I think of all the education that I've missed.
October 28, 2005 6:20 AM Subscribe
I have a crush on my TA. Is it appropriate for me to ask her out?
I'm very attracted to the TA of my design class. It's a large-ish lecture class, meaning there's no chance for a quiet moment to talk to her, but it's small enough that she recognizes me on the street. I talked to her briefly yesterday as we walked to class together.
I'm late to college, so I'm 25 in a class with mostly sophomores, and she's a grad student, so she's probably not too much older than me.
Is it appropriate to ask her out? Should I wait until the last day of class to do it? How should I bring it up? I'm not the greatest at flat out asking people out anyway.
I'm very attracted to the TA of my design class. It's a large-ish lecture class, meaning there's no chance for a quiet moment to talk to her, but it's small enough that she recognizes me on the street. I talked to her briefly yesterday as we walked to class together.
I'm late to college, so I'm 25 in a class with mostly sophomores, and she's a grad student, so she's probably not too much older than me.
Is it appropriate to ask her out? Should I wait until the last day of class to do it? How should I bring it up? I'm not the greatest at flat out asking people out anyway.
I would wait until the end of the semester. Even if she likes you, she'd probably have reservations about dating someone whose papers she's grading.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
There is most likely a policy about these situations, so if you do ask her out, don't be surprised if she can't. Unfortunately, if she has any influence over your grade in the class, it is probably inappropriate.
On the other hand, I say go for it. Even if she has to turn you down now for those reasons, she'll know you're interested and can act accordingly after you're done with the class.
posted by shinynewnick at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2005
On the other hand, I say go for it. Even if she has to turn you down now for those reasons, she'll know you're interested and can act accordingly after you're done with the class.
posted by shinynewnick at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2005
I would wait till you are done with the class, though perhaps make some effort to get to know her throughout the term.
posted by chunking express at 6:35 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by chunking express at 6:35 AM on October 28, 2005
I'd do it...heck, I ended up marrying my Photography TA.
posted by Wiggo at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by Wiggo at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2005
Waiting until the last day of class is probably a good idea. Your school may frown upon TA-student liasions, and even if it doesn't, either dating or being rejected could make the rest of the term much more awkward for you in class. There's also a conflict of interest when the person grading you is also dating you.
posted by ubersturm at 6:41 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by ubersturm at 6:41 AM on October 28, 2005
If you’ve only spoken with her one time, it’s probably a bit soon to ask her out anyway, regardless of whether or not she’s your TA. You should talk with her a few more times and get to know her a little bit first. You might be able to get a sense of whether or not she’s interested, or even available. Then if everything still looks promising at the end of the semester, go for it. Good luck!
posted by boomchicka at 6:43 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by boomchicka at 6:43 AM on October 28, 2005
Wait until the class is over. Whatever the policies of your school, I think it's just flat-out shady for a T.A. to date one of the students in her class. You can wait several weeks, can't you?
Do you have her phone number? I'm somewhat of a chicken when it comes to asking people out, and I've done it successfully over the phone before. Or, when the class is over or about to end, when you run into her, casually mention that you'd like to grab a coffee or go out for drinks sometime.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 6:44 AM on October 28, 2005
Do you have her phone number? I'm somewhat of a chicken when it comes to asking people out, and I've done it successfully over the phone before. Or, when the class is over or about to end, when you run into her, casually mention that you'd like to grab a coffee or go out for drinks sometime.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 6:44 AM on October 28, 2005
Yes, it's appropriate, but don't do it until after class is over and the grades are in.
That said, if you ask her out and the only non-professional social interaction you've had is talking to her briefly on the street once, it may seem pretty weird. Despite what one might think, student crushes on TAs are rather common, so much so that some may actually see them as a nuisance. If you haven't established the ability to carry on a conversation with her outside of a professional environment, you'll probably be out of luck if you do eventually ask her out.
Does she have office hours? You should drop by her office hours to talk sometime--start with conversation about academics ("I have a question about this week's reading, etc."), then change the subject to more personal or trivial issues and see what happens. If she doesn't respond to the change in subject, then I'd be reluctant to pursue it further.
posted by Prospero at 6:44 AM on October 28, 2005
That said, if you ask her out and the only non-professional social interaction you've had is talking to her briefly on the street once, it may seem pretty weird. Despite what one might think, student crushes on TAs are rather common, so much so that some may actually see them as a nuisance. If you haven't established the ability to carry on a conversation with her outside of a professional environment, you'll probably be out of luck if you do eventually ask her out.
Does she have office hours? You should drop by her office hours to talk sometime--start with conversation about academics ("I have a question about this week's reading, etc."), then change the subject to more personal or trivial issues and see what happens. If she doesn't respond to the change in subject, then I'd be reluctant to pursue it further.
posted by Prospero at 6:44 AM on October 28, 2005
I think it would be wise to wait till the end of class to actually start the luvin, but dude, you gotta get in there and make your feelings known so that the decision to wait is mutual..otherwise, cute girl..college campus...some other slickster is gonna swoop in. I'd say going up to her and acting like and adult and saying 'so, I find you interesting and attractive and I was wondering if, when the semester is over, you'd have dinner with me' or some such, would be your wisest move. That essentially 1) lets her know you are interested without forcing the issue and 2) gives her an opportunity to say 'why wait?' if in fact she doesn't have any reservations about dating students in her class. Ball in her court and all that jazz.
posted by spicynuts at 6:45 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by spicynuts at 6:45 AM on October 28, 2005
Go for it. I wouldn't wait if the feeling is right. Just coffee and whatnot until the semester is over though, otherwise you put her in a tight spot. Often the best relationships start slowly anyway.
posted by caddis at 6:49 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by caddis at 6:49 AM on October 28, 2005
Putting her in a job-threatening position is a bad way to start off a relationship.
Wait.
posted by katieinshoes at 6:49 AM on October 28, 2005
Wait.
posted by katieinshoes at 6:49 AM on October 28, 2005
Response by poster: Our only graded assignments are fill-in-the-blank tests, so she'd never be in a subjective grading situation. Nonetheless, I will try to get to know her better before dropping the bomb. I like spicynuts's idea of asking her out sooner, but not actually going out until the class is over.
posted by patgas at 6:51 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by patgas at 6:51 AM on October 28, 2005
I wouldn't worry about. That happened a lot when I was in school and you are older. I guess you could wait, but it's not a huge deal - especially if you keep it quiet.
posted by BigBrownBear at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by BigBrownBear at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
Response by poster: Oh, I guess I should also mention that she doesn't teach the class. She takes attendance and presumably grades our (like I said, objective) tests.
posted by patgas at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by patgas at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
It's a conflict of interest for her to date you until you have your final grade (which is usually a week or two after the last day of class). You should probably approach her and flirt/ask for her number on the last day of class, but don't ask her out until after your grades are in.
Also feel free to approach her after class during the semester. I love it when a student stays late to discuss a topic a bit further. In this way you can get to know her a bit better and she will definitely get to know you. That way you aren't a complete stranger when you ask for her number at the end of the semester.
posted by oddman at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
Also feel free to approach her after class during the semester. I love it when a student stays late to discuss a topic a bit further. In this way you can get to know her a bit better and she will definitely get to know you. That way you aren't a complete stranger when you ask for her number at the end of the semester.
posted by oddman at 6:54 AM on October 28, 2005
I am a TA. I would be *very* uncomfortable if a student asked me out while his grade still depended on me at least partially. That is even at my institution where the policy is "it's okay as long as you disclose it." It would be rather uncomfortable to go to the professor in charge of the class and say "fyi, I have a date with a student Friday night."
Wait until the end of the semester.
posted by copperbleu at 7:19 AM on October 28, 2005
Wait until the end of the semester.
posted by copperbleu at 7:19 AM on October 28, 2005
Go for it! Don't let the fact that she's your TA deter you. If she were your professor then that's something different, but she's just a TA. She's a student there too. If you start dating and it really goes well, what's the university going to say, you're not allowed to date eachother? Not allowed to see eachother at all except during class? Worst case scenario is she gets really angry at you and starts grading you harshly...so just don't be a dick, and things will be fine ;)
posted by mfbridges at 7:26 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by mfbridges at 7:26 AM on October 28, 2005
It's a bad idea. I was a TA for many years. I got hit on more in the lab, especially near the end of term, than any other place. Do women dig guys in lab coats that much?
Even if you're sincere, especially if you're sincere, wait until the end of term. Many TA's take their section to the bar at the end of term (at least I always did). Buy her a beer or two and see what happens.
posted by bonehead at 7:26 AM on October 28, 2005
Even if you're sincere, especially if you're sincere, wait until the end of term. Many TA's take their section to the bar at the end of term (at least I always did). Buy her a beer or two and see what happens.
posted by bonehead at 7:26 AM on October 28, 2005
some other slickster is gonna swoop in
Too true, but there's still nothing you can do about it until after the class is over.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:28 AM on October 28, 2005
Too true, but there's still nothing you can do about it until after the class is over.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:28 AM on October 28, 2005
Oh blah blah blah wait for the class to end rules rules rules. Look, the University is a machine designed to take your money, and now you find yourself with a way to take tangible returns on your investment. Waiting is for losers.
posted by jon_kill at 8:02 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by jon_kill at 8:02 AM on October 28, 2005
I second everything oddman says: its a conflict of interest; wait until the end of term; in the meantime have a clever question for her once in a while or linger after class. Don't be too obvious though.
And I would add, do well in the class - grad students tend to look down their noses at underachieving undergrads.
posted by Rumple at 8:03 AM on October 28, 2005
And I would add, do well in the class - grad students tend to look down their noses at underachieving undergrads.
posted by Rumple at 8:03 AM on October 28, 2005
Plus, if you did date her, she could get in a boatload of trouble if the pwers that be find out. And they would find out. If one of my grad students dated an undergrad s/he was TAing, I would flip out - its completely unprofessional and a serious conflict of interest.
posted by Rumple at 8:06 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by Rumple at 8:06 AM on October 28, 2005
There's no need to wait. I hit on TAs and dated them All. The. Time. It was like a running joke. Go ahead and ask her out now and let her know you like her. Likely, it's no big deal. You're probably both good people so there'll be no "bedroom favors." If it is a big deal, then tell her you can't wait for the class to be over so you can try again next semester.
posted by nixerman at 8:07 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by nixerman at 8:07 AM on October 28, 2005
Ask her out now... but don't be to disappointed if she wants to wait till after class is over. At least let your intensions be known. But go for it! And good luck.
posted by ruwan at 8:29 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by ruwan at 8:29 AM on October 28, 2005
the University is a machine designed to take your money..
Umm...no. The university is a machine designed to do research, to give your TA money and to provide institutional support for your TA when she begins her career. Taking your money is only incidental to those functions, don't kid yourself into thinking it's the purpose.
So, the university gives money to your TA and supports her in beginning her career. Do you see how "stick it to the university. screw their rules!" might not be in the TAs best interest? Even if no formal sanctions ensue, it will make her less professional in the eyes of her colleagues, and in academia your colleagues hold the fate of your career in their hands.
As Rumple said, it's a conflict of interest and it's unprofessional for the TA to date you. Even if the tests are objective, she still holds control over your grades both directly, and in the many indirect ways that teachers influence how students perform (grade-wise) in a course.
Wait until the final grades are in and ask her then. A few months is hardly an eternity.
posted by duck at 8:40 AM on October 28, 2005
Umm...no. The university is a machine designed to do research, to give your TA money and to provide institutional support for your TA when she begins her career. Taking your money is only incidental to those functions, don't kid yourself into thinking it's the purpose.
So, the university gives money to your TA and supports her in beginning her career. Do you see how "stick it to the university. screw their rules!" might not be in the TAs best interest? Even if no formal sanctions ensue, it will make her less professional in the eyes of her colleagues, and in academia your colleagues hold the fate of your career in their hands.
As Rumple said, it's a conflict of interest and it's unprofessional for the TA to date you. Even if the tests are objective, she still holds control over your grades both directly, and in the many indirect ways that teachers influence how students perform (grade-wise) in a course.
Wait until the final grades are in and ask her then. A few months is hardly an eternity.
posted by duck at 8:40 AM on October 28, 2005
Don't ask her out... ask for some kind of TA related assistance with the class (discuss the philosophy of design or something) ...be a little silly/shy about it... this way it's not a date, you get to have a conversation with her and see if it's any fun... it's not formal, it's not going anywhere, there's no pressure... it's just a conversation... dates, no matter how you look at it, are fundamentally "constructive" i.e. either leading somewhere or not... conversations, on the other hand, are delightfully ambiguous while simultaneously being excellent fact finding missions...
posted by ewkpates at 8:40 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by ewkpates at 8:40 AM on October 28, 2005
The solution here is to create a pleasantly ambiguous situation that gives both you and your TA a lot of freedom. I.e., ask to meet her for coffee because you can't make her office hours, and talk to her about design and so on. Have some coffee dates throughout the semester and slowly make them later and later in the day; and then at the end of the semester ask her out for real.
posted by josh at 8:48 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by josh at 8:48 AM on October 28, 2005
If you start dating and it really goes well, what's the university going to say, you're not allowed to date eachother? Not allowed to see eachother at all except during class? Worst case scenario is she gets really angry at you and starts grading you harshly
Umm...I can think of plenty of worse case scenarios:
1) She gets disciplined based on the schools teacher code of conduct code/sexual harassment code, which may (and likely does) explicitly prohibit dating students.
2) Colleagues think less of her and view her as unprofessional, leading to less strong letters of rec when she goes on the job market (letters matter a lot for getting a job) and less strenuous advocacy in general resulting in damage to her job prospects.
3) Students note that you're dating and think ill of it, reflected on her course evaluations. While teaching barely matters at all in getting a job, many schools still request "evicence of teaching excellence". A bunch of reviews bitching about her dating a student will hurt her on the market. Being a great teacher might not help much, but that kind of thing on the reviews would hurt her.
4) Things don't work out and you file a complaint against her.
posted by duck at 8:51 AM on October 28, 2005
Umm...I can think of plenty of worse case scenarios:
1) She gets disciplined based on the schools teacher code of conduct code/sexual harassment code, which may (and likely does) explicitly prohibit dating students.
2) Colleagues think less of her and view her as unprofessional, leading to less strong letters of rec when she goes on the job market (letters matter a lot for getting a job) and less strenuous advocacy in general resulting in damage to her job prospects.
3) Students note that you're dating and think ill of it, reflected on her course evaluations. While teaching barely matters at all in getting a job, many schools still request "evicence of teaching excellence". A bunch of reviews bitching about her dating a student will hurt her on the market. Being a great teacher might not help much, but that kind of thing on the reviews would hurt her.
4) Things don't work out and you file a complaint against her.
posted by duck at 8:51 AM on October 28, 2005
I was a TA for a few years and got asked out by students a few times. Ignore all the "go for it RIGHT NOW!" bits of advice you are getting and wait till the class is over! I don't care about all the "hey, I used to date TAs all the time" anecdotes you're hearing, because I guarantee you that your university has some sort of policy about this, and to start dating before the end of the term can be a very dicey situation for either or both of you. It's more likely you could date after you're out of the class, but even that might be a no-no. Depends.
In any case, let your TA do her job vis-a-vis the class (grading your papers, chairing discussions -- whatever she does in terms of being your TA) without the distraction of your asking her out right now. On the last day, try to hang out afterwards to chat and see if you can ask her for her phone number; if you can't, drop her an email after the term break is over and ask if she's free for coffee.
And yes: do well in the class!
posted by scody at 9:00 AM on October 28, 2005
In any case, let your TA do her job vis-a-vis the class (grading your papers, chairing discussions -- whatever she does in terms of being your TA) without the distraction of your asking her out right now. On the last day, try to hang out afterwards to chat and see if you can ask her for her phone number; if you can't, drop her an email after the term break is over and ask if she's free for coffee.
And yes: do well in the class!
posted by scody at 9:00 AM on October 28, 2005
Okay, so I guess the answer to your question is a question: "Do you care about conflicts of interest or unprofessionalism?"
posted by jon_kill at 9:30 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by jon_kill at 9:30 AM on October 28, 2005
scody's right. Potentially, it could be a "very dicey situation." And potentially the sun will not come up tommorow. But neither is likely to happen. I always figured, in this situation, it's A-OK as long as the student makes the first move. A student coming on to a TA or professor is no big deal. When it happens the other way around, that's when things get dicey. She'll either say yes, not interested, or point out that she wouldn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with a student. It's her decision so put the ball in her court and let her decide. You have nothing to lose but much to gain.
The whole "But the rules!" attitude is childish. You're both mature adults. You both grasp what could happen. But preemptively shutting yourself down because of what could happen maybe due to some rules some lawyer came up with long time ago in a place far away is silly. Really. This isn't a big deal. And, for example, the rules are probably so hopelessly vague and provide little guidance. They really exist just so the University can cover its ass.
Also, I'd be wary of the whole "ambiguous situation" approach. More than likely, if she's a smart girl, she'll pick up on your true intentions. She might not appreciate you wasting her office hours time just to spend time with her. And as she's a student, her life is probably busy enough. I've always found being up front and clear about these things is best for everybody.
On preview, what jon_kill said. The real question is how you and she feel about it. Forget the rules.
posted by nixerman at 9:34 AM on October 28, 2005
The whole "But the rules!" attitude is childish. You're both mature adults. You both grasp what could happen. But preemptively shutting yourself down because of what could happen maybe due to some rules some lawyer came up with long time ago in a place far away is silly. Really. This isn't a big deal. And, for example, the rules are probably so hopelessly vague and provide little guidance. They really exist just so the University can cover its ass.
Also, I'd be wary of the whole "ambiguous situation" approach. More than likely, if she's a smart girl, she'll pick up on your true intentions. She might not appreciate you wasting her office hours time just to spend time with her. And as she's a student, her life is probably busy enough. I've always found being up front and clear about these things is best for everybody.
On preview, what jon_kill said. The real question is how you and she feel about it. Forget the rules.
posted by nixerman at 9:34 AM on October 28, 2005
Don't ignore the fact that even making your intentions known before the end of the term is putting her in an uncomfortable situation that she neither invited or gave any indication she was open to, and that is really not very mature just because you can't wait until after class is over to step over a boundary. You two are not equals. She is in a power position until you are no longer in her class.
posted by archimago at 9:45 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by archimago at 9:45 AM on October 28, 2005
Listen to scody—as usual, her advice is sound. But just because you should wait on asking her out doesn't mean you have to act indifferent in the interim. Be charming, converse intelligently, flirt a little. Then when the time comes, asking her out won't be a big surprise—and if her response to your charm has been nothing but cold water, you'll know better than to try to take it further.
posted by languagehat at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by languagehat at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
Conflict of interest? Sheet, at my university my TA for Speech Communication was my mom. It's entirely possible (especially later in your Undergrad career) that you might be dating someone that ends up being your TA. Are you supposed to break up?
I suppose she might consider it inappropriate for her to date you, but I doubt that. Either way, it doesn't make it inappropriate for you to ask
Putting her in a job-threatening position is a bad way to start off a relationship.
Oh, pu-leeze.
Actually, why don't you call the graduate department and find out if there actually are rules that forbid this conduct, and how often they're enforced. It shouldn't be that hard to find out really. If they are, then wait. If they're not (which would be my suspicion) then feel free to ask right away.
Umm...I can think of plenty of worse case scenarios:
Sure, and she could turn out to be a psycho and have you murdered by her ex-boyfriend. The potential needs to be balanced by the probability of it actually happening.
I agree that this is the best approach. Try to be friendly, get to know her, and so on during the semester, and after you feel comfortable as her friend, ask her out.
Right, and what do you mean by 'date' anyway? I'm sure the rules don't prohibit TA's hanging out with students. Just meet up for coffee, etc. Slow play it and see if you have chemistry. After (and if) you become friends ask her if she thinks it would be OK to date while she's TAing.
It won't be a big deal.
posted by delmoi at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
I suppose she might consider it inappropriate for her to date you, but I doubt that. Either way, it doesn't make it inappropriate for you to ask
Putting her in a job-threatening position is a bad way to start off a relationship.
Oh, pu-leeze.
Actually, why don't you call the graduate department and find out if there actually are rules that forbid this conduct, and how often they're enforced. It shouldn't be that hard to find out really. If they are, then wait. If they're not (which would be my suspicion) then feel free to ask right away.
Umm...I can think of plenty of worse case scenarios:
Sure, and she could turn out to be a psycho and have you murdered by her ex-boyfriend. The potential needs to be balanced by the probability of it actually happening.
I agree that this is the best approach. Try to be friendly, get to know her, and so on during the semester, and after you feel comfortable as her friend, ask her out.
Right, and what do you mean by 'date' anyway? I'm sure the rules don't prohibit TA's hanging out with students. Just meet up for coffee, etc. Slow play it and see if you have chemistry. After (and if) you become friends ask her if she thinks it would be OK to date while she's TAing.
It won't be a big deal.
posted by delmoi at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
Think of it like this... you're showing her a lot of respect by waiting to tell her after your grade is in. You can even say "I've wanted to say this for a while, but I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable..." to her. Showing plenty of respect like that is guaranteed to give you a good solid plus in her books.
posted by shepd at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by shepd at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2005
I would absolutely approach her now. Why wait until she finds someone else?
You can easily say 'I'd love to ask you out for dinner but am concerned that maybe it would be against school policy'.
That way she gets the message that you're interested, you haven't put her in a compromising position, and you've put her in the driver's seat.
Go for it!
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on October 28, 2005
You can easily say 'I'd love to ask you out for dinner but am concerned that maybe it would be against school policy'.
That way she gets the message that you're interested, you haven't put her in a compromising position, and you've put her in the driver's seat.
Go for it!
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on October 28, 2005
It doesn't matter what the rules are in my experience. If another student complains about sexual favoritism, say, what's the easiest thing for the university senate to do: conduct a thorough, fair investigation or can the TA for sexual harassment? University administrations are not known for standing behind their staff (except maybe to give them a good shove). A harassment charge, even unsubstatiated, would be the kiss-of-death for her career.
And before anyone brings it up, speaking as a former union rep, TA unions work about as well as an ice pack in a blast furnace.
posted by bonehead at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2005
And before anyone brings it up, speaking as a former union rep, TA unions work about as well as an ice pack in a blast furnace.
posted by bonehead at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2005
I fell for a TA once. My approach was consistent with the advice you're getting from ewkpates, josh, and languagehat. We didn't date, but we spent a lot of time talking about what the class was about, hanging out, and laughing. We lent each other armloads of books. We didn't have to discuss any policy issues because it was obvious what was on both of our minds, and as soon as the class was over we were at it like rabbits.
posted by tangerine at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by tangerine at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2005
I think it's worth noting that the academics and grad student types are the ones saying "wait." Your TA is a grad student/academic type.
And delmoi, the probability that she will be viewed as unprofessional if she dates a student is very high. And since academics operate in small communities (the relevant people aren't "design people" but A) "people in her department" and B) "people who study art-deco sky-scrapers restored in the 1990s" or whatever her area is. These are small groups of people and A) will certainly find out and think less of her, and convey that "think less of her" to B). So balancing the probability of this happening, it's best to wait.
posted by duck at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2005
And delmoi, the probability that she will be viewed as unprofessional if she dates a student is very high. And since academics operate in small communities (the relevant people aren't "design people" but A) "people in her department" and B) "people who study art-deco sky-scrapers restored in the 1990s" or whatever her area is. These are small groups of people and A) will certainly find out and think less of her, and convey that "think less of her" to B). So balancing the probability of this happening, it's best to wait.
posted by duck at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2005
Go for it. Part of the thrill is not getting caught!
posted by lorbus at 10:50 AM on October 28, 2005
posted by lorbus at 10:50 AM on October 28, 2005
I would add this: If you ask her out now, the risks for you are small.
But if she accepts, the risks for her are NOT. I saw someone get fired for much less than a date, and he was a tenured professor (and the situation was entirely consensual and even non-sexual). Hopefully the rules are more lenient for TAs at your school, but still, SHE is at risk in this situation, not you.
So, if you really do care about her, you should consider that very carefully. Is it OK for you to ask her to take that risk? Wouldn't it be better to wait for a couple months, rather than ask her to jeopardize her career?
Get to know her, sure, but do it over the course of the semester in a way that does not risk her job/career.
posted by teece at 11:02 AM on October 28, 2005
But if she accepts, the risks for her are NOT. I saw someone get fired for much less than a date, and he was a tenured professor (and the situation was entirely consensual and even non-sexual). Hopefully the rules are more lenient for TAs at your school, but still, SHE is at risk in this situation, not you.
So, if you really do care about her, you should consider that very carefully. Is it OK for you to ask her to take that risk? Wouldn't it be better to wait for a couple months, rather than ask her to jeopardize her career?
Get to know her, sure, but do it over the course of the semester in a way that does not risk her job/career.
posted by teece at 11:02 AM on October 28, 2005
I concur with delmoi, ask her for a drink. There's no university policy against friends and unless you have a lot more success on first dates than I ever used to that's all a first date is - hanging out and talking. If there's some click you can figure out how to work within university policy and decorum then. Besides, it's almost November already, how much longer is this likely to be an issue.
Which is, in my mind, another great reason to gently start now - end of term and beginning of holiday is a hectic and emotional time.
posted by phearlez at 11:16 AM on October 28, 2005
Which is, in my mind, another great reason to gently start now - end of term and beginning of holiday is a hectic and emotional time.
posted by phearlez at 11:16 AM on October 28, 2005
I've been a TA for a while, and when one of my students starts flirting with me, the first thought on my mind is that she's kissing ass to get a better grade. So, I'd be cautious if I were you. Wait until after the class is over.
posted by epimorph at 12:44 PM on October 28, 2005
posted by epimorph at 12:44 PM on October 28, 2005
I was a TA and lost my virginity to one of my students. She had been hitting on me all through the term, but I waited until after the class had ended to ask her out. Via "talk", I believe. Can't get nerdier than that. Anyway, my advice is to wait. Don't shit in a small pond and expect to keep on swimming happily.
Background: I was only a year older than her and a little precocious with the coding. I believe the class was C Programming with Unix. Hey, in 1988, C was *cool*. C got me laid, not many people can claim that. So in my book, it was mega-cool.
posted by meehawl at 1:15 PM on October 28, 2005
Background: I was only a year older than her and a little precocious with the coding. I believe the class was C Programming with Unix. Hey, in 1988, C was *cool*. C got me laid, not many people can claim that. So in my book, it was mega-cool.
posted by meehawl at 1:15 PM on October 28, 2005
Response by poster: mr_roboto: No, I don't know for sure if she's single. I have fallen into this trap a lot in the pursuit of women, so I don't let it worry me anymore. If she's taken, she'll let me know.
posted by patgas at 2:12 PM on October 28, 2005
posted by patgas at 2:12 PM on October 28, 2005
I ended up TA'ing my gf's class a couple of years after we started living with each other...
She was so worried about how it 'seemed' that she sabotaged her own effort in the course. Barely passing, even though she did pretty well in the sequel course the next year.
I had to mark one question on the final exam and I knew exactly when I hit her paper. Only a couple of people in the class used her solution for that question, I ended up marking it wrong. Because I was concerned about the ethics of the situation I asked one of the profs to double check... After a few minutes of thinking and scribbling he realized my mistake and added a bunch of marks to her paper!
Worry about making it work with her! If you are at all ethical in your day to day life you will be able to get over the other problems.
This isn't always the case! 25 year old TAs have no business dating 18 year old F!rosh.
posted by Chuckles at 2:24 PM on October 28, 2005
She was so worried about how it 'seemed' that she sabotaged her own effort in the course. Barely passing, even though she did pretty well in the sequel course the next year.
I had to mark one question on the final exam and I knew exactly when I hit her paper. Only a couple of people in the class used her solution for that question, I ended up marking it wrong. Because I was concerned about the ethics of the situation I asked one of the profs to double check... After a few minutes of thinking and scribbling he realized my mistake and added a bunch of marks to her paper!
Worry about making it work with her! If you are at all ethical in your day to day life you will be able to get over the other problems.
This isn't always the case! 25 year old TAs have no business dating 18 year old F!rosh.
posted by Chuckles at 2:24 PM on October 28, 2005
Damnit there's no ambiguity in this particular situation. I am a TA, if one of my students started hitting on me or asked me out, I would feel VERY uncomfortable about it. Show some respect, wait, and don't put her in a situation which puts her career at risk.
posted by onalark at 2:43 PM on October 28, 2005
posted by onalark at 2:43 PM on October 28, 2005
This really makes me wish I had made a move on my TA crush...so yes, go for it. But no, not now. This is mostly repeated advice. Go to office hours. Talk to her more, even if it is about school. Your grades will likely improve. If you ever run into her on or around campus, make sure you say hi. After grades are in, send an email about enjoying the class and her as a TA, ask to meet for coffee and go from there.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 4:29 PM on October 28, 2005
posted by jetskiaccidents at 4:29 PM on October 28, 2005
Do you think the feelings are mutual?
If you think she'll say yes, I'd wait until the end of the semester. In the meantime, impress her with your work and just, generally, play it cool.
If you think she'll say no anyway, you could ask her now, giving her the "out" of the faculty/student appropriate conduct guidelines. Less awkward for both of you.
posted by Alt F4 at 6:30 PM on October 28, 2005
If you think she'll say yes, I'd wait until the end of the semester. In the meantime, impress her with your work and just, generally, play it cool.
If you think she'll say no anyway, you could ask her now, giving her the "out" of the faculty/student appropriate conduct guidelines. Less awkward for both of you.
posted by Alt F4 at 6:30 PM on October 28, 2005
Spicynuts was the best answer. Be casual, be mature, don't get creepy. No big deal. If she's going to freak out over something that small, you wouldn't have wanted to date her anyway.
posted by klangklangston at 10:24 AM on October 29, 2005
posted by klangklangston at 10:24 AM on October 29, 2005
By the way. All you people who say "don't do it" what are you supposed to do if you start dating someone who becomes your TA?
posted by delmoi at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2005
posted by delmoi at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2005
delmoi: I can see how the situations are in your mind as the same, but they aren't.
In the case of dating someone in one of your classes, you are violating professional privilege. This goes from doctors to teachers to any sort of position where you have an authoritative role.
On the other hand, if your personal relationship predates the professional relationship, you are not violating any professional rules.
Its not the being in a relationship that's a problem, its the questionable act of engaging in a personal relationship with somebody who you have authority over.
posted by onalark at 6:39 PM on October 29, 2005
In the case of dating someone in one of your classes, you are violating professional privilege. This goes from doctors to teachers to any sort of position where you have an authoritative role.
On the other hand, if your personal relationship predates the professional relationship, you are not violating any professional rules.
Its not the being in a relationship that's a problem, its the questionable act of engaging in a personal relationship with somebody who you have authority over.
posted by onalark at 6:39 PM on October 29, 2005
My best friend in college is now happily married to his freshman calculus TA. He waited until after grades were given out to ask her out.
posted by mrkohrea at 9:54 AM on October 31, 2005
posted by mrkohrea at 9:54 AM on October 31, 2005
For what it's worth, I'm another former TA who would not have appreciated being asked out by someone in one of my classes (and not just because I wasn't single).
On the other hand, I think making an effort to get to know her during the semester and asking her out afterwards is a perfectly reasonable course of action. Does she hold her own office hours or recitation or other small-group event that you could regularly attend? If so, do that, then shoot her an email or give her a call after the final and ask if she's interested in having a drink with you.
posted by emmastory at 10:55 AM on November 4, 2005
On the other hand, I think making an effort to get to know her during the semester and asking her out afterwards is a perfectly reasonable course of action. Does she hold her own office hours or recitation or other small-group event that you could regularly attend? If so, do that, then shoot her an email or give her a call after the final and ask if she's interested in having a drink with you.
posted by emmastory at 10:55 AM on November 4, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by andrew cooke at 6:27 AM on October 28, 2005