awkward sex question

May 12, 2014 8:37 AM

I am interested in having sex with an older woman (late 60's). I am a younger male (50's) and my partner is obviously older, and hasn't had intercourse in a long time (many years). What should I expect in terms of the biology of things? I guess these are my questions: -will sex be the same as I remember it being with women my own age? -Will nature take care of the lubrication or should I be prepared with something else? -is an orgasm a realistic possibility? -Obviously we'll figure a lot of this out as we go, but I want to be sensitive to the possibility of things not working. -Any other thoughts, tips or experience? I want it to be enjoyable for her (me too of course) Thanks all!
posted by Blackcow167 to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Everyone's biology is different. The best person to ask is her and have open communication during.

Lube can't hurt to bring but don't phrase it as an age thing. There are many 20 somethings that need it too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:46 AM on May 12, 2014 [6 favorites]

Lots of changes come about with menopause. Here is a resource that addresses some of your questions.
posted by Houstonian at 9:02 AM on May 12, 2014

Definitely bring lube. But there may be other issues:

[...]between 17% and 45% of postmenopausal women say they find sex painful[...]


Things shrink, things get too tight, things get thinner, things dry out. If she hasn't had sex in a long time, she may not even know if any of this is an issue for her. So be prepared to possibly not be able to have PIV* sex at all the first time, but also be aware that there are treatments available (which she may or may not be aware of.)

Good luck!

*penis in vagina
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:02 AM on May 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Seconding everyone above, though you basically need to proceed as you would with having sex for the first time with any woman of any age who has not had sex in a while. Take it slow, with foreplay, lube as needed, be mindful if she says it hurts as you may need to build to PIV sex (as MexicanYenta calls it).

Do you know if she masturbates in any way or uses a vibrator, as that may make a difference in how things go. She could always talk to her gynecologist if she feels comfortable with doing that (mine has specific lube he recommends, for example, and you can get it from his office). Yes, orgasm is possible.

(My mother-in-law had a good healthy sex life well into her 80's, including a second marriage and several boyfriends.)
posted by gudrun at 9:12 AM on May 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm 99.9% certain that she doesn't and hasn't masturbated. She was in a sexless marriage for a long time (not that it would have prevented masturbation, I just don't think she did).

I wondered about foreplay, I'm glad to hear that it can help. Taking it slow sounds good.
posted by Blackcow167 at 9:28 AM on May 12, 2014

they don't run to a type. a woman in her sixties may be a demographic in the supermarket or voting booth, but she's an individual in bed, and you'll find out in due course. congratulations, a ten year gap isn't a big deal.
posted by bruce at 9:30 AM on May 12, 2014 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: thanks, Bruce. It is actually more like a 17 year gap, but who's counting.
posted by Blackcow167 at 9:32 AM on May 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

Talk with her, before, during and after whatever happens.
posted by Carol Anne at 10:03 AM on May 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Foreplay isn't just something that can help; for many, many women it's the only way sex is any fun at all. It's a very important part of sex, for some or many of us it is in fact the main course.

Please don't see intercourse as 'sex' and all the other fun stuff as 'things that must be done in order to have sex'. All sex is sex! If intercourse doesn't feel good, stick with other things for now, and try again if and when she feels like it.

Orgasm is certainly possible if she was orgasmic before; if not, it may still be possible. Most women don't get them from intercourse alone (just in case you don't know).

Lube is wonderful, even for those that don't need it. It helps things feel great. If no latex condoms will be used, try coconut oil, it's lovely stuff. Even letting it melt on your skin (it's solid at room temperature) feels nice. Great as a massage oil, too.

Take it slow, keep your eyes and ears open for feedback, and enjoy... you lucky bastard. :-)
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:12 PM on May 12, 2014 [8 favorites]

Agreed that communication and lubrication are your top priorities. Yes, each woman is an individual, but the lack of estrogen after menopause causes vaginal dryness and vulvar/vaginal atrophy. So, foreplay is great (penetration should be taken slow) and don't be afraid to incorporate sex toys, like small/thin vibrators or dildos, if your erection is too big or full.

Have fun!
posted by stillmoving at 8:28 PM on May 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised, and so will she. I'd get some sexy lube and definitely agree about the foreplay because that's what's going to make both of you comfortable, but have no fear about her age interfering with her ability to orgasm or to enjoy sex; she's in her 60s, not her 90s.

The one thing that might adversely affect your good time would be medication - if either of you take certain meds there can be sexual difficulties, but otherwise you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
posted by aryma at 11:02 PM on May 12, 2014

A, uh, friend reports that (regardless of age) after not having sex for a while, things will tend to tighten up. Like suddenly trying to touch your toes when you haven't stretched in a year tight, ouch. Lube and be open to the idea that the first few times may only be fingers or small toys, and basically just follow her lead (especially in terms of roughness of thrusting and how long the penetration part lasts).
posted by anaelith at 4:42 AM on May 13, 2014 [1 favorite]