Am I uptight, or is he being a perv?
April 16, 2014 7:56 AM   Subscribe

I'm a woman in my mid 40's, and my husband is in his early 50's. We've been married over 20 years, have 3 great kids and a relatively good life. But our sex life has taken a weird turn here lately (at least for me).

I'll be the first to admit that getting into the mood for me has a lot to do with outside factors. If we aren't seeing eye-to-eye about something (think money disputes, disagreements over homework responsibilities with the kids,etc), there is no way I'm going to want to have sex. It just gets me out of the mood. So for me, sex is an emotional thing first. It's a head-game for me to be attracted to someone and want to get physically intimate.

So long story short, with age (or hell, maybe medication) my husband's erection has left a lot to be desired. He used to be huge and hard as a rock and I would have no problem having an orgasm, and neither would he. But now, things are a little soft and it takes him more (and consequently me) to get off. I'll give him credit, he will work hard to try to get me there. Sometimes with success.
But the hitch is that there only seems to be one way he can get himself there and that is by vocalizing that my friends are watching us. And that creeps. me. the. fuck. out! Mainly because one of the ladies that he always mentions just happens to be one of my closest friends and our fucking neighbor. He wants me to participate by saying things like "yeah, she's there...watching you fuck me", etc. If I do this, he will orgasm-guaranteed.
This cycle has been going on for about a year. He'll bring it up during the act, I'll do it to make the madness stop (he knows I hate it) and then I'll be pissed. I've even had to tell him pre-coitus before that I'd better not hear it, etc. He'll abide by that for a while, but then he always returns to it. I've told him it's fine with me if he needs to visualize that to get himself off, but I don't want to have to hear it because it immediately turns me off and repulses me. But for some reason he needs to hear me say it.

Am I being selfish? Should I be more flexible on this point? Afterwards, he says that it doesn't mean anything and I really do believe him, but it still grosses me out to no end. And sometimes it's hard to look my friend in the eye and not think about what happens in our bedroom.

So basically, knowing that this is always a possibility going into it, I'm reluctant to have sex with him. Which is a shame, because our sex life was at its peak before all this started.

I'm a strong-willed person, and it makes me feel weak and cheap to do this. But I can also see that sometimes I like to be too controlling. Am I being a bitch? Is this me just thinking about this too much? Is it okay to do something like this when it feels so wrong? Is what happens in the bedroom separate from what happens outside the bedroom? Help me out here, peeps.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

Sex shouldn't be a time for you to be doing something that makes you angry or hurt. However, I would believe him when he says that the words mean nothing out of the bedroom. We all have fantasies that we only use during this time, and it doesn't mean that suddenly we want whatever scenarios we use to heighten the experience to actually happen in real life.
posted by xingcat at 8:03 AM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

it makes me feel weak and cheap to do this

This is your answer. Listen to your feelings. This will make you feel worse and worse in the long run. Tell him exactly this and tell him that you won't want to have sex anymore if he keeps this up. I don't think the fantasies themselves are wrong, but he has to respect you. If he doesn't, and you keep going along with this despite feeling horrible, you will end up not respecting yourself. It is the worst feeling.
posted by desjardins at 8:07 AM on April 16, 2014 [38 favorites]

I have the impression that the fact he names your good friend and neighbor is the crux here.
Would it be okay if he spoke about an alternate scenario with strangers watching you? Might be a compromise.
posted by travelwithcats at 8:09 AM on April 16, 2014 [11 favorites]

See also this discussion of being Good, Giving and Game in bed. Specifically, being GGG does not mean doing things that turn you off or upset you.
posted by alms at 8:10 AM on April 16, 2014 [7 favorites]

Yeah, seconding travelwithcats-- if he needs a particular kind of exhibitionist fantasy to get off, but the one he's using with your friend (understandably!!) creeps you out, could he work on developing a similar fantasy that pushes his buttons but without icky real-life elements, and then have you participate in that? I'm guessing the internet must be a rich trove of varied scenarios catering to this particular taste.

Also, if he's been partly conditioning this dependency in himself, by focusing on a particular piece of porn with this plotline/ returning to this fantasy in masturbation, you wouldn't be out of line at all, imho, to ask him to cut that right out and change things up.
posted by Bardolph at 8:13 AM on April 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

I agree with travelwithcats and bardolph.

I think you should talk to him, explain that it really creeps you out (if strangers wouldn't, then suggest that).

You also might want to try emphasizing that you're open to trying new things and discussing other fantasies that he might have (if you are) to see if there is something else that works for him that doesn't ick you.
posted by needlegrrl at 8:16 AM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

Am I being a bitch?

You are not being a bitch for not wanting to do something you hate in bed. If you hate something, you should not do it.

Is this me just thinking about this too much?

You appear to be thinking about it an appropriate amount.

Is it okay to do something like this when it feels so wrong?

It's okay if you're okay with it. It's not okay if you're not. For some people, "this feels so wrong" is a huge part of the draw; for some people, it's not.

Is what happens in the bedroom separate from what happens outside the bedroom?

It can be. In your situation, it sounds like it is: he says it doesn't mean anythng and you say you believe him.

It sounds like he has a thing for exhibitionism, and that there's an element of the familiar to it, like the fact that they're real women is a huge factor. It also seems like your participation in it is another factor.

Bearing this in mind, here's a question: What would a compromise look like to you?

Serious question. You know yourself, and him, and your situation, better than I do. Is there a way through this that you can see where he gets some version of what he's after and you don't do things that gross you out?

If that conversation is going to happen, it should happen at a non-sexy moment. Have a glass of wine and a sit-down of an evening. This is important to you and you should be able to talk to him about it.

It occurs to me that if he's like most dudes with a strong kink, he probably masturbates a whole lot; he might have more success in bed if he cuts back on that.

Also, this:

I'll do it to make the madness stop (he knows I hate it)

These are two bad ideas. Sex should be fun for everyone involved. If you do something to get him to shut up, that's not good. If he wants you to participate in a sex act he knows you hate, that's also not good. This suggests maybe a new approach would be a good idea - maybe couples counseling?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:16 AM on April 16, 2014 [11 favorites]

It's your personal call whether you want to participate in the fantasy. The fact that he's been pushing it (or ANYTHING that makes you feel so uncomfortable) on you while you're having sex is really not okay, just as much as it would not be okay if he was making you touch parts of him you didn't want to. You should have a conversation, clothed, about this. He needs to recognize that this is not your kink, but that saying these things to you when you don't want him to is making damn sure this will never be your kink because it's nonconsensual sexual behavior. Think of ways to meet him halfway (there are some good suggestions above), sure, but make sure he understands that pushing your boundaries this way is not hot and not acceptable.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 8:18 AM on April 16, 2014 [9 favorites]

So, like almost everything else to do with sex, there isn't really a simple answer and I don't think this is just about the sex. It's about how you two communicate in your relationship. It's fine that he has fantasies. It's fine that you don't like them. You're both 'in the right' here, and the purpose of you figuring this out should be to find a solution that works for Team You Guys, not to feel like one of you is right and the other one is a pervert/uptight.

It says in the question that you've talked about this, but have you talked about this OUTSIDE the bedroom in a mature way, with the goal of how can we both be happy in mind? I know you said, "I've even had to tell him pre-coitus before that I'd better not hear it, etc.," That's a very aggressive phrasing, which sounds like it's punishing him for having a fantasy. Now, that sort of harsh clarity may very well be warranted, but did you start by saying, "I really don't like X fantasy, but I do really love getting you off and the sex we have otherwise. Can we work on some kind of compromise? Is there something else that really turns you on that you'd like me to do?" Or did you just start with, "I'd better not hear ____ in bed this time!" If you started out with the second one, it's time to backtrack and have a real conversation about it, and see if you can find something that both of you enjoy. If you started out with the first one and then found you needed to escalate to ultimatims in order for him to respect your wishes, then that's a serious problem.

I also think you should take your husband's word at face-value that this is just a sexy bed-game to him. We all have fantasies that we have no desire to act out in the real world, but that seem like a great idea in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't let that aspect bother you too much. Shaming him about it or indicating distate for the fantasy itself is probably not very productive. If he presses for a reason, feel free to tell him it makes you uncomfortable (but that you're okay with the fact he's into that idea.) But otherwise, I'd just treat the whole thing as a, "How do we have better sex?" conversation, not a, "What you feel is weird and I hate it!" conversation.

Don't get me wrong. It's really not cool that you feel pressured to do something you're uncomfortable with. But it doesn't sound like you two have addressed it in any productive way. Maybe try that before giving up on having great sex with your hubs?

Please note: this only applies if your husband is genuinely trying to work with you on this issue. If you get the impression that you have stated your boundaries in a way that indicates you are willing to work with him, just not with this particular fantasy, and he is still bringing it up repeatedly against your will, then that's a Big Problem. Like, counselling big.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:19 AM on April 16, 2014 [7 favorites]

Upon a re-read of my comment, I really do want to clarify: I think this is a fine line to walk. I do think a conversation would be helpful. But if this is escalating to the point where you're really, really uncomfortable with it and you feel like he's stepping on your boundaries in a damaging way, then you have absolutely every right to protect yourself in whatever way you see fit, including not having sex with him. Your bodily autonomy is your own and only you know when it crosses the line from "this is an annoying thing that I think we need to work on" to "this makes me feel disrespected and abused" (as opposed to just a bit uncomfortable). Whatever you decide on that spectrum will be right for you, and I hope you can make your husband aware of how you feel.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:23 AM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

he knows I hate it

That's a pretty fucking ugly way to treat someone you allegedly like. This isn't perverted, it's mean. He's not getting off on his little storyline, he's getting off on making you feel bad.

I'd make therapy a requirement for ever getting within arm's reach of me again, but I have a really low bar for abuse in this particular arena.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:28 AM on April 16, 2014 [39 favorites]

I sometimes have to have certain stuff going on in my head, to get there. . .but the key is that stuff STAYING in my head, and at the same time being present for my partner. Have you talked to him about maybe not vocalizing all of this?
posted by Danf at 8:46 AM on April 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

I feel for you. My ex made me do all kinds of things that I really did not want to do in bed and he did them in a similar way - he'd pretend to hear me when I said beforehand that I was not interested in something he liked and that in fact it made me feel really bad to do these things and he would say that he wouldn't do them... and then we'd be having sex and surprise, he would do the boundary violating things. I eventually just capitulated, dug my nails into my palms, and just let him do whatever he wanted every time we had sex.

Someone said to me "that kind of sounds like rape" and yeah, it kind of sounds like rape. My ex was also incredibly abusive so obviously my story is different. And yet...

You two should sit down and talk in a well lit room with all your clothing on, after you've eaten and are well rested, about all this. Tell him how bad it makes you feel. I'm sorry but if my partner told me "hey it makes me feel kind of crummy when you want to do that thing in bed" I would just stop. If he said "I am turned off and repulsed" I would probably lose all desire to do whatever it was with him even if it was a kink
of mine. The fact that he hasn't responded this way is concerning. And the fact that you have told him how you feel and he does it anyway? That is a real problem. That is a real violation of you as a person. If he can't have an open, honest conversation about this with you that is a really bad sign and I would personally stop having sex until it can be resolved - not as a punishment obviously, but to preserve your well being.

I can't help but wonder if he is getting off on doing things he knows make you feel repulsed. Or on doing something transgressive that he has been told not to do. So if that is the case you need to work on some role playing scenarios or something because there is no need to actually feel repulsed so that your partner can get his rocks off.

You should never feel bad so that someone else can feel good.
posted by sockermom at 8:47 AM on April 16, 2014 [48 favorites]

if you tell your sex partner that something makes you uncomfortable, he should absolutely respect your wishes, no matter what it is, pervy or not. failure to abide by this condition should result in no more sex ever.

as a proposal for compromise, would the two of you be ok with imagining that hillary clinton or michelle obama was watching you?
posted by bruce at 8:53 AM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

This is a formerly sexually-capable man trying to deal with his declining sexual power. For a man, the decline of the ability to perform adequately can be very upsetting, confusing and really mess with your head as well as self-esteem. Unfortunately, he has focused on a specific type of stimulation that help him perform which you find offensive and ugly.

You two really need to sit down and talk deeply about both of your needs, and try to find something that works for the both of you. Make it part of your sex play.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:56 AM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

It's OK to have limits. Assuming you have sat down calmly in a none sexual situation and explained it to him that this is one of your limits, if he isn't respecting it he isn't respecting you. Next time he does it stop cold. Just say no and stop, stop the sex, if you have a safe word use it, if not do what you have to do to get his attention get up and walk away. You don't have to do something that makes you feel bad just because your partner likes it.

As much as I don't want to think it I suspect as Lyn Never said you feeling squirked is probably what is hot about it for him and not the subject matter. He is not being a perv, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with his fantasy, and playing bedroom games like that if both people want to, what is wrong is forcing you to be an unwilling participant in those fantasies.

Draw you lines, stick to them. Develop a safe word if you don't already have one and use it.
posted by wwax at 8:57 AM on April 16, 2014 [4 favorites]

I'm totally kink friendly. What you are describing is a sexual violation, not kink.

He is not being loving towards you, he's being very hurtful. That the focus of his fantasy is your neighbor and best friend, someone you are close with but do not want in your fantasy sex life, is 1,000 different kinds of wrong.

The problem is that you have explicitly told him you hate this behavior and he still goes back to it.

I think a large chunk of this is generational. For example, excluding extreme violence, marital rape was not even thought of as rape - it was just doing your duty. So while what he's doing is really really ugly, he likely has not thought it through and realized this.

Right now, he sounds like an awful person. I'm sure he doesn't think of himself this way, so you are going to have to explain it to him fully.

Again, I'm totally kink friendly. What you are describing is not kink.
posted by jbenben at 9:11 AM on April 16, 2014 [20 favorites]

I'm a strong-willed person, and it makes me feel weak and cheap to do this.

This isn't about his fantasy or your GGGness. You guys need a way of relating to each other where you both feel like the other is on your side, that the relationship is a team effort & you're in it together. It seems like there may be room for compromise, or at the very least, there's more that both of you can do to understand the other. For him to ignore your feelings is not helpful. But it's probably not helpful for you to say "you'd better not!" either.

Neither one of you seems to be acting like you feel like the relationship is a joint effort.

If you need to muster all the strength of your willpower to interact with your partner, the communication is not working. Talk with him outside of sex. Communicate your feelings clearly. But also try to stop judging his needs/desires There's nothing inherently wrong about any fantasy qua fantasy.

If, after a few times of really trying to talk this out, you're not making progress, try couples therapy. This is a big deal and may require the assistance of a professional.
posted by univac at 9:16 AM on April 16, 2014

It sounds like basically he's just trying to go further and further to compensate for increasing physical problems. There are medications that can help with that part, and I would exhaust those avenues if at all possible, because like many things, when you have an underlying physiological problem, you can sometimes psych yourself past it--to a point. And then you hit this stage where the coping mechanism you were using is no longer even vaguely sane, and that is this point. Get him to a doctor, make sure that everything possible has been done for the underlying issue--ED meds, variations on antidepressants, whatever it happens to be.
posted by Sequence at 9:18 AM on April 16, 2014

The problem is that you don't like it, not whether he's a "perv".

Should you be more flexible? That's up to you. But he should talk to you about, not force it. (I will say that this is really vanilla sex-talk. It's not a particularly odd thing to do.) Nonetheless, you don' have to do anything you don't want to do.
posted by spaltavian at 9:25 AM on April 16, 2014

Hey, I like swinging from the chandlers with a chocolate eclair in one hand and a tricked out power drill with an adjustment clutch in the other as much as the next married couple, but he's being an ass.

If you're not comfortable with this, then you're not comfortable with it and that's ok, period, full stop. Him continuing to engage in this activity is all sorts of fucked up, especially from a partner of 20 years.

You two need to do some serious talking outside of the bedroom.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:26 AM on April 16, 2014 [8 favorites]

as a proposal for compromise, would the two of you be ok with imagining that hillary clinton or michelle obama was watching you?


I was going to suggest a specific person he knows but you do not as a compromise, but maybe the First Kinky Lady works too.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:55 AM on April 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

I should add that no matter what the kink is, you are always within your rights to say it's not working for you, and it needs to stop, no matter how long you have been doing it for. If he doesn't stop after you have discussed it rationally outside of bed, I would consider that a dealbreaker.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:09 AM on April 16, 2014

Don't 'do it to make the madness stop'; that clearly is not working.

Tell him in a nice, calm, rational conversation that this kink is repulsing you, and that next time he starts with it, you will call a halt to all sexual activity and leave the room.

Then follow through, every single time.
posted by Salamander at 10:17 AM on April 16, 2014 [10 favorites]

If all the reasonable discussion and offering other fantasies doesn't work, you could try some negative conditioning. As soon as he says it, you pull away, get up, turn on the lights and leave the room. Maybe cry a little, if your frustration so moves you. Whatever your authentic reaction is that is not "grin and bear it and cooperate to get him off." If that won't cut his association with this being sexy, I'm not sure what will.
posted by amaire at 10:57 AM on April 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

Huh. I feel differently from most people here.

Seems to me that if you and your husband want a satisfying sex life together, this is your joint issue to resolve, not his or yours alone. So I think you will want to approach it from a place of compassion and love, which means aiming to empathise with his point of view.

I get that this creeps you out and especially the idea that it's your neighbour he sometimes wants to talk about. I think you're correct to believe him that "it doesn't really mean anything." I disagree with the commenters here who are saying he is awful, violating you, etc. And I think, in the spirit of you wanting to have a good sex life, it'd be worth you examining your own feelings and motivations and reactions to what he wants.

I think sometimes people are uncomfortable with sex talk because they're imagining it as revealing their 'real selves' -- like, 'I really am a dirty slutty person who wants the neighbours to watch,' or whatever. And they imagine it being repeated in front of their kids or published in the newspaper, and how awful that would be. I don't think that's the right frame, though. I think it's more accurate to imagine sex talk as a form of play or even humour: like, an imaginative, creative game that you are playing together, in part as an expression of trust.

So I agree with people who say you shouldn't do things sexually that gross you out. But I also think that people generally have more play and flexibility in themselves than they may be aware of, and that growth and change are good not bad. So I'd say yes, sit down together and talk it through from the perspective of both of you wanting to have a great sex life. Maybe set some initial limits (like, no neighbour talk) and then throw yourself into it whole-heartedly, as a game, and see what happens. Maybe this specific thing will never work for you, but in trying it you may stumble across something else that does. Basically, it's in your mutual interest to explore this a little before writing it off completely.
posted by Susan PG at 11:09 AM on April 16, 2014 [8 favorites]

I agree with others, maybe if he knows in the moment that you are very unhappy, it will kill the mood for him. If it does not, if he still wants to go through with it, then I don't know what to say. I am pretty horrified at the thought, and that would be a dealbreaker for me.

You said you've already had this discussion (or at least told him) pre- and post-, so your next logical step is during.
posted by desjardins at 11:12 AM on April 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

Among other things, what this boils down to is him prioritizing his own orgasm over yours. He is doing something that ruins the mood for you in order to get himself off. Once he disregards your pleasure and your engagement in sex, he's just using your body to give himself pleasure. That's not cool at all.

You both need to talk about being selfish in the bedroom and what you both can agree on going forward. I don't think he's a perv as this is a common fantasy, but his general disregard for your sexual satisfaction and boundaries is a problem that needs to be addressed.
posted by quince at 11:40 AM on April 16, 2014 [4 favorites]

He might be happier with Viagra. And you might too.
posted by Capri at 11:49 AM on April 16, 2014 [6 favorites]

It can be very vulnerable to talk about sexual fantasies. Assuming that you guys do have a generally good marriage with a solid foundation of love, when you talk about this your husband, start with a lot of reassurance (I love you and I really want us to have a good sex life together). Second, avoid judging his fantasies - the most helpful thing to say (over and over if needed) is "that doesn't work for me". if you want to talk about alternative fantasies, it might help to have an explicit rule that no one says anything negative about the other person's suggestion - just take whatever parts you do like (or can work with) and add whatever you think might make it better for you. You can make it more productive if you also add a rule that each person has to have something new in their proposal (can't just repeat an old one). The idea is to have a playful conversation, not a tense, defensive one.

Also, think about what fantasy options might work for you - doing it in a car or public place or his office? Wearing special clothes? Ravaged by pirates? Or maybe hearing him tell you how hot and sexy you are while he is doing it? Remember, you want to have fun too.
posted by metahawk at 11:49 AM on April 16, 2014

I think it's more accurate to imagine sex talk as a form of play or even humour: like, an imaginative, creative game that you are playing together, in part as an expression of trust.

Sure, but when people just change the rules of the imaginative, creative game that you're playing, and that change in rules makes you feel angry, repulsed, grossed out, weak, and turned off, and you express it and they don't listen to you? That makes it really hard to continue to express trust, because you don't feel it. How can you trust someone who does things to you and your body even though they know it makes you feel bad? That's a situation where trust is being actively eroded, not built up or expressed or anything like that.

Things like this can be very damaging - which is why this is important to address by discussing it, fully clothed, when you have a lot of time to talk and process and reflect and discuss this all together as a team. Because what happens in the bedroom is separate from what happens outside the bedroom, sure, in some ways, but in some ways they are very closely connected. If you cannot trust your partner to take care of you when you are naked and vulnerable and making love, how can you trust them at all?
posted by sockermom at 12:24 PM on April 16, 2014 [11 favorites]

In my opinion it is not OK to keep doing something sexual with a partner who has repeatedly told you she doesn't want you to do it, however, I am not going to jump on calling this abusive.

Clearly, like many, many, many people, your husband needs a specific fantasy to make him come. If you want to continue to have a good, satisfying sex life, you both must be willing to push yourselves a bit. So since talking about your friends is a hard-limit for you, I'd suggest, if you want to help him get off, being open to some other kinky fantasy talk instead.

"Honey, I am really getting pissed off that you keep talking about [neighbor] watching you fuck me. I do not think it's hot and it gives me the creeps. But I do want to help you get off. What if we talked about an imaginary person watching us/What if we looked at porn together while we have sex/What if we talk about that time we did that really hot kind of dirty thing together while we have sex/What if we put this full length mirror next to the bed while we have sex and you can watch yourself fuck me?[Etc.]"

Basically, what can you give that will feel OK to you, even if it's not on your personal super-hot fantasy list?
posted by latkes at 12:27 PM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't think pretending the neighbors are watching you is his kink -- from what you've said here, I think making you do something humiliating is his kink. And that's fine, but only if you're a willing partner.

It sucks that he is putting you in this position, but I think at this point you are just going to have to be draconian about drawing the line, even if that means pushing him off you and putting your clothes back on. Please do not feel guilty about this! You have every right to state what you will and will not do in the bedroom, just as he does.
posted by jess at 12:34 PM on April 16, 2014 [6 favorites]

I think you might want to talk to him about the kink. Has this always been his kink? Is he bringing it into the bed because it's the only thing that makes him hard any more? Was sex non-optimal for him before?

What does the exhibitionism mean to him? Why does it thrill him? What part of his brain does it tickle?

I think this is the sort of thing that deserves an in-depth conversation with clothes on and, possibly, a bit of wine if it's hard to talk about.

And yes, if it bugs you, don't do it. But see if there's something you don't mind that would be almost as good for him. To do that, you probably need to discuss how broad his kink is, and what it means to him.

You mention medication. Is he on anti-depressants? Those can really mess with erection and/or orgasm. I'd talk to your doctor about that. Perhaps he can shift to a different drug, or perhaps it's safe to take an erectile dysfunction drug.
posted by musofire at 12:45 PM on April 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

"I've told him it's fine with me if he needs to visualize that to get himself off, but I don't want to have to hear it because it immediately turns me off and repulses me. But for some reason he needs to hear me say it."

Ugh. You're being about as nice and compromising on this topic as I can think of--"fine, you can think about it, just don't SAY it or make me say it"--and he's insisting on doing it. I nth everyone else that he's specifically insisting on doing something you hate and that's what he's getting off on. You've asked repeatedly that he stop and he keeps on going to force you into it. Hell, I wouldn't want to have sex with him any more either. I'm inclined to tell you to not have sex with him until he freaking stops it, because right now he's getting everything he wants by forcing you to be uncomfortable and creeped out and not turned on. Ugh.

I'm thinking Viagra and a few marital/sexual counseling sessions might be in order.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:53 PM on April 16, 2014 [6 favorites]

"I've told him it's fine with me if he needs to visualize that to get himself off, but I don't want to have to hear it because it immediately turns me off and repulses me. But for some reason he needs to hear me say it."

Everyone suggesting that you need to sit down with our husband and discuss his kinks and that you should use this as an opportunity for growth and change clearly skipped this sentence. You've had a talk with him and he continues to steamroll your boundaries and sexually violate you. I think you should stop having any sex with him until he realizes how unacceptable this behavior is, because like many people are saying, that place of taking someone's disrespect is awful, and you don't deserve that.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:04 PM on April 16, 2014 [8 favorites]

I've told him it's fine with me if he needs to visualize that to get himself off, but I don't want to have to hear it because it immediately turns me off and repulses me.

That's really the only thing that matters. He just has to fantasize about this mentally and accept that neither of you are going to vocalize it. I know: for some reason he needs to hear me say it. But then, he just has to have the auditory fantasy of you saying it. (How hard is that, really? Don't people have bits of conversation and music running through their head all the time?)

There are many situations where I'd recommend sex partners compromising with each other. But mentioning your friends, when he knows you hate this, is absolutely over the line, totally unacceptable. It's not a grey area or a subject for compromise.
posted by John Cohen at 7:18 PM on April 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

My first thought would be..."Is she really watching him fuck me? Without my knowing?"
If so that's a whole other divorce right there.
Otherwise, look into getting him some penis pills.
Once he gets back into the regular routine of having a nice hard-on, his sexual psych should change. (IANYT)
posted by QueerAngel28 at 7:24 PM on April 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

His behaviour is out of line (since you've asked him to stop it, he has understood why he should stop, etc), and your objections in no way make you a prude. But I'd second Thorzdad that there are other factors behind it than him simply being a "perv".

"This is a formerly sexually-capable man trying to deal with his declining sexual power. For a man, the decline of the ability to perform adequately can be very upsetting, confusing and really mess with your head as well as self-esteem. Unfortunately, he has focused on a specific type of stimulation that help him perform which you find offensive and ugly."

One possible solution to this, that is generally quite easy and reliable? Erection pills. Viagra is fine, but Cialis/Tadalafil, which last longer, is even better. He should talk to his doctor about it.

Best of luck!
posted by Drexen at 3:48 AM on April 17, 2014

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