Handling the shame of suicide
April 13, 2014 9:45 AM Subscribe
I attempted suicide a week ago. Things are good now. New meds and more therapy. Tons of support. Really really glad I am alive and feel safe and secure that it won't happen again. But how do I deal with the shame of seeing how I hurt people who love me?
I have attempted in the past (life long depression here) and never felt this shame before. In the past I didn't have friends or a lover to be concerned with. Or I was so numb that it never mattered. This one is different.
For one I apparently contacted a friend to say goodbye while waiting out the OD and they phoned the ambulance and cops. I am really embarrassed that I did this to them. They never heard an update until I got out of the hospital and were worried sick. I never actually considered that my actions would hurt anyone. And I am having a hard time facing people because of it.
My girlfriend was also worried sick and angry but says she forgives me. She told friends of ours and while I understand that she needs emotional outlets for her pain and feelings about it I feel ashamed that she told them. I feel bad that people prayed for me (I am an atheist). I feel awkward about the concern and pity looks they give me now.
I will be bringing this up in therapy in our next session but I even feel like I let my therapist of three years down. It was a sudden snap decision that really none of us can figure out why. Especially since I have been feeling happier than ever.
If you have been a friend of someone who attempted what do you want to hear from them about it? If you have attempted did you feel bad for the people you put in pain without realising it? How did you manage to face them and what did you say the first time you saw them?
I have attempted in the past (life long depression here) and never felt this shame before. In the past I didn't have friends or a lover to be concerned with. Or I was so numb that it never mattered. This one is different.
For one I apparently contacted a friend to say goodbye while waiting out the OD and they phoned the ambulance and cops. I am really embarrassed that I did this to them. They never heard an update until I got out of the hospital and were worried sick. I never actually considered that my actions would hurt anyone. And I am having a hard time facing people because of it.
My girlfriend was also worried sick and angry but says she forgives me. She told friends of ours and while I understand that she needs emotional outlets for her pain and feelings about it I feel ashamed that she told them. I feel bad that people prayed for me (I am an atheist). I feel awkward about the concern and pity looks they give me now.
I will be bringing this up in therapy in our next session but I even feel like I let my therapist of three years down. It was a sudden snap decision that really none of us can figure out why. Especially since I have been feeling happier than ever.
If you have been a friend of someone who attempted what do you want to hear from them about it? If you have attempted did you feel bad for the people you put in pain without realising it? How did you manage to face them and what did you say the first time you saw them?
Been there, done that.
Most of the intense shame you're feeling right now is most likely due to the same brain chemistry malfunction that made you suicidal in the first place. Thus, it is only temporary.
Basically, you can't trust anything your brain is telling you about yourself right now, so you just have to wait it out until you stabilize. It might take a few weeks or a couple of months. Try not to ruminate on it too much while you wait.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:02 AM on April 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
Most of the intense shame you're feeling right now is most likely due to the same brain chemistry malfunction that made you suicidal in the first place. Thus, it is only temporary.
Basically, you can't trust anything your brain is telling you about yourself right now, so you just have to wait it out until you stabilize. It might take a few weeks or a couple of months. Try not to ruminate on it too much while you wait.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:02 AM on April 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
My husband attempted suicide nine years ago. I maybe had a flash of that hurt and confusion that he would choose to leave me, but any of those sorts of feelings were absolutely dwarfed by sadness and guilt on my part for not seeing how much he'd been suffering, worry about the immediate future, and above all a profound gratefulness that he made it through and was still alive.
You can show people how much you care about them right now by devoting all your energy toward getting better. Anybody who holds any of this stuff against you is not worth thinking about. You're alive and the people who love you are grateful for that and relieved you're still with them.
posted by something something at 10:02 AM on April 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
You can show people how much you care about them right now by devoting all your energy toward getting better. Anybody who holds any of this stuff against you is not worth thinking about. You're alive and the people who love you are grateful for that and relieved you're still with them.
posted by something something at 10:02 AM on April 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
I have had multiple friends attempt suicide, some successfully.
I have only wanted to hear how they are healing and what they need from me to avoid another attempt. I have thought "fuck depression" the same way I have thought "fuck cancer" when it threatened my friends.
My upset is mine and not something you need to help me deal with. It's not even really a problem to fix, it's a symptom of love for friends in pain. Help your friends by focusing on your own health right now.
Congrats on surviving. You can survive this part too.
posted by heatherann at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2014 [23 favorites]
I have only wanted to hear how they are healing and what they need from me to avoid another attempt. I have thought "fuck depression" the same way I have thought "fuck cancer" when it threatened my friends.
My upset is mine and not something you need to help me deal with. It's not even really a problem to fix, it's a symptom of love for friends in pain. Help your friends by focusing on your own health right now.
Congrats on surviving. You can survive this part too.
posted by heatherann at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2014 [23 favorites]
"How did you manage to face them and what did you say the first time you saw them?"
Oh, and be prepared for a rash of spontaneous hugs from lots of people you didn't consider yourself on hugging terms with. It seems to be an incredibly common impulse even among casual acquaintances.
To keep it from getting awkward, just hug back briefly and say "thank you" but DON'T assume that you are now on hugging terms with these people in the future. In my experience, post-suicide-attempt hugs are one-time events and just something that a lot of people feel compelled to do.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:11 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Oh, and be prepared for a rash of spontaneous hugs from lots of people you didn't consider yourself on hugging terms with. It seems to be an incredibly common impulse even among casual acquaintances.
To keep it from getting awkward, just hug back briefly and say "thank you" but DON'T assume that you are now on hugging terms with these people in the future. In my experience, post-suicide-attempt hugs are one-time events and just something that a lot of people feel compelled to do.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:11 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
My Dad attempted when I was fifteen. He was on a business trip and realized that it was a perfect time because my mom, sister and I wouldn't have to find the body. He called my uncle to tell him that he finally did it and that was enough time to get the cops and paramedics there.
Honestly I hated him for it, hatred that he would do that to my mom and the rest of our family. I was young and didn't understand depression the way I do now. You have to expect that some people are just going to be angry about it and that expression of emotion is valid.
That only lasted a week or so. Once I saw him in the hospital I realized that he was really, truly sick and I was just glad he survived it.
He still struggles today over twenty years later, but all I really feel about that day now is relief. I still have my dad, my kids got to meet their grandpa, and its okay that he's sick. To me it's no different than surviving a heart attack. He was sick, he almost died, but he made it.
That's my advice to you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Focus on getting help, work on yourself as much as you can, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
You were sick. You almost died. You made it.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2014 [30 favorites]
Honestly I hated him for it, hatred that he would do that to my mom and the rest of our family. I was young and didn't understand depression the way I do now. You have to expect that some people are just going to be angry about it and that expression of emotion is valid.
That only lasted a week or so. Once I saw him in the hospital I realized that he was really, truly sick and I was just glad he survived it.
He still struggles today over twenty years later, but all I really feel about that day now is relief. I still have my dad, my kids got to meet their grandpa, and its okay that he's sick. To me it's no different than surviving a heart attack. He was sick, he almost died, but he made it.
That's my advice to you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Focus on getting help, work on yourself as much as you can, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
You were sick. You almost died. You made it.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2014 [30 favorites]
What I have wanted to hear most from my friends was what they were doing to keep it from happening again. What had changed in their brains, what their safety plan was, etc.
Apologies are not necessary, as said above, but they are not inappropriate either if they would make you feel better. The best apologies are those that show you are in a different place now. I have appreciated apologies that acknowledged what I went through and explain why it won't happen again.
Feel better and keep up the good work.
posted by metasarah at 10:27 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Apologies are not necessary, as said above, but they are not inappropriate either if they would make you feel better. The best apologies are those that show you are in a different place now. I have appreciated apologies that acknowledged what I went through and explain why it won't happen again.
Feel better and keep up the good work.
posted by metasarah at 10:27 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think it's probably important to share the fact that you feel ashamed with your girlfriend and your therapist. The more you can get that feeling out of your head and into conversations with the people who are on your mental health team, the more you can use their outside perspective to grapple with it.
(That's true for all the irrational feelings related to depression, by the way. Any time you can share them with your inner circle, you force them out of the echo chamber of your own head into the open plain of human interaction, where others can help you see how they're a symptom of the disease, not an inherent trait.)
posted by ocherdraco at 10:42 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
(That's true for all the irrational feelings related to depression, by the way. Any time you can share them with your inner circle, you force them out of the echo chamber of your own head into the open plain of human interaction, where others can help you see how they're a symptom of the disease, not an inherent trait.)
posted by ocherdraco at 10:42 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
"I have appreciated apologies that acknowledged what I went through and explain why it won't happen again."
I... really don't think this is something you need to do. You are recovering for you, and that's wonderful and enough. You can't make any promises about the future. Any friend who felt they need you to promise them not to do it again is probably not going to be the best for you as you continue to work with your depression. YOU might not even know if it will or won't happen again, regardless of your current recovery and progress. I don't know, the idea of owing an explanation just seems inappropriate to me. Especially for you, OP, when your attempt came seemingly out of the blue.
posted by mymbleth at 10:50 AM on April 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
I... really don't think this is something you need to do. You are recovering for you, and that's wonderful and enough. You can't make any promises about the future. Any friend who felt they need you to promise them not to do it again is probably not going to be the best for you as you continue to work with your depression. YOU might not even know if it will or won't happen again, regardless of your current recovery and progress. I don't know, the idea of owing an explanation just seems inappropriate to me. Especially for you, OP, when your attempt came seemingly out of the blue.
posted by mymbleth at 10:50 AM on April 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
So many people have already said it well: No need for apologies, no reason to feel ashamed. I just wanted to say how very glad I am that you're here and taking steps to be well. Take good care of yourself.
posted by Boogiechild at 11:17 AM on April 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Boogiechild at 11:17 AM on April 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
I feel bad that people prayed for me (I am an atheist).
Atheist here, too, and I have lots of well-intentioned, traditionally religious friends and family. I get prayed for all the time for various things and it felt weird for years. I found it helps to think that what we atheists think of as general positive thoughts and energy, they just call it God. (People attribute a lot of positivity to God.) Translating this internally as a linguistic/taxonomy thing instead of a religious thing has helped me bridge that gap. They care about you, but they just say it in a way that makes sense to them.
And, hey, I'm glad you're still around. There's good here. Enjoy the small things and the rest will work out.
posted by mochapickle at 11:36 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Atheist here, too, and I have lots of well-intentioned, traditionally religious friends and family. I get prayed for all the time for various things and it felt weird for years. I found it helps to think that what we atheists think of as general positive thoughts and energy, they just call it God. (People attribute a lot of positivity to God.) Translating this internally as a linguistic/taxonomy thing instead of a religious thing has helped me bridge that gap. They care about you, but they just say it in a way that makes sense to them.
And, hey, I'm glad you're still around. There's good here. Enjoy the small things and the rest will work out.
posted by mochapickle at 11:36 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
There is no reason to be ashamed of a condition that nearly killed you.
I can't offer a way to logic your way into embracing this line of thinking, because shame doesn't always operate within the bounds of reason, but try to keep that in mind.
I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions. It was only the last time - when I called my best friend from the ward's phone, and she broke down sobbing - that I felt anything at all. It was a mix of relief ("oh my god...people DO care if I'm alive") and distress, because their concern became mine. The unhealthy way of dealing with that would be to focus all your energy on making sure other people aren't uncomfortable around you - which is what I did, to my peril. I had a lot of "are you okay" conversations and multiple check-ins. There were also people who SHOULD NOT have known about my suicide attempts who did, but they mostly avoided me like the plague when I got back from the hospital. You may find the prospect of that comforting. If you feel like the Spoons Theory applies to you, try to frame it as "they were not worth the spoons today." And that's totally fine, because anyone who isn't supportive isn't healthy for you right now.
Do you have a "need to know" list? If so, consider making one. I have a short list of people to whom I am comfortable disclosing my particular issues, and who are notified when something happens to me. Anyone else, aside from my employer, gets a "Ashen isn't feeling well" or similar polite shut-down. Maybe have a conversation with your girlfriend about implementing something like that? Because yes - this was stressful for her - but I imagine that some of those people probably didn't need to know the details of your health, at all. Therapy is not just for people with depression, but is useful for the people whose loved ones are depressed. She may consider taking advantage of that.
And one more thing: just as you do not need to apologize for being sick, you also do not need anyone's forgiveness. Forgiveness implies that you transgressed - which you did not. Your brain's attempt to kill you is not a transgression against anyone else. And I would stay the hell away from anyone who would want an apology.
posted by Ashen at 11:57 AM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I can't offer a way to logic your way into embracing this line of thinking, because shame doesn't always operate within the bounds of reason, but try to keep that in mind.
I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions. It was only the last time - when I called my best friend from the ward's phone, and she broke down sobbing - that I felt anything at all. It was a mix of relief ("oh my god...people DO care if I'm alive") and distress, because their concern became mine. The unhealthy way of dealing with that would be to focus all your energy on making sure other people aren't uncomfortable around you - which is what I did, to my peril. I had a lot of "are you okay" conversations and multiple check-ins. There were also people who SHOULD NOT have known about my suicide attempts who did, but they mostly avoided me like the plague when I got back from the hospital. You may find the prospect of that comforting. If you feel like the Spoons Theory applies to you, try to frame it as "they were not worth the spoons today." And that's totally fine, because anyone who isn't supportive isn't healthy for you right now.
Do you have a "need to know" list? If so, consider making one. I have a short list of people to whom I am comfortable disclosing my particular issues, and who are notified when something happens to me. Anyone else, aside from my employer, gets a "Ashen isn't feeling well" or similar polite shut-down. Maybe have a conversation with your girlfriend about implementing something like that? Because yes - this was stressful for her - but I imagine that some of those people probably didn't need to know the details of your health, at all. Therapy is not just for people with depression, but is useful for the people whose loved ones are depressed. She may consider taking advantage of that.
And one more thing: just as you do not need to apologize for being sick, you also do not need anyone's forgiveness. Forgiveness implies that you transgressed - which you did not. Your brain's attempt to kill you is not a transgression against anyone else. And I would stay the hell away from anyone who would want an apology.
posted by Ashen at 11:57 AM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
It was a sudden snap decision that really none of us can figure out why. Especially since I have been feeling happier than ever.
This one's probably pretty simple at least - sometimes when you finally have the energy to do something that something is try to die. This is pretty common and it's regularly documented that people coming out of deeper depression are at a higher risk for suicide attempts. It's just yet another hump that you've gotten over on your way out. The trick is continuing to say "fuck you" to depression and not letting this pull you back. That shame is like hump-leftovers.
posted by Mizu at 1:02 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
This one's probably pretty simple at least - sometimes when you finally have the energy to do something that something is try to die. This is pretty common and it's regularly documented that people coming out of deeper depression are at a higher risk for suicide attempts. It's just yet another hump that you've gotten over on your way out. The trick is continuing to say "fuck you" to depression and not letting this pull you back. That shame is like hump-leftovers.
posted by Mizu at 1:02 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Everyone is correct that you have no reason, no ethical or logical reason, to feel guilt. But, at the same time, your thoughts and feelings are very common and they are very reasonable in the internal logic of suicide. Feeling that you are a burden to others is a major indicator of the risk of an actual attempt.
Here is my thought: you probably think and feel that you are a burden to others in a kind of background low-level way all the time. Then THIS. Wow, what a thing to do to these people, what a major increase in burden!
This process is one reason that we have people create contracts with therapists, family members, partners. Maybe do that. Maybe use your burdensome worries to keep you safe. I like that hack because for me it sort of transforms the feelings of guilt into a more positive version of themselves - more 'I am an important and necessary part of this [diad, community, whathaveyou]' than 'I have to keep this show going or the audience will want their money back'.
I am speaking from both a professional (although OBVIOUSLY IANYT) and personal perspective.
I have one friend that I contract with when it gets bad for me. She has said things to me like "I need you to not do that to the kids", things that I could not say or have said to me in a professional capacity because of the risk of increasing those feelings of burden. But, for me, it works. It reminds me that I am an auntie, that I am a part of this family that would much prefer to have me around.
Your partner has feelings of anger as part of a huge spectrum of emotion. Facing the risk of losing you is going to bring up a whole range of feels. Try to remember that, even when there is anger in that mix, it is ALL motivated by love for you. Love creates all kinds of feelings all the time, it's not all happy feeling even when it's just about getting through an average day.
Also, talk about it, as much as you can. Everyone you can manage to share this issue with will provide you some helpful framing, and the more you can get of that, the better.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 1:42 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Here is my thought: you probably think and feel that you are a burden to others in a kind of background low-level way all the time. Then THIS. Wow, what a thing to do to these people, what a major increase in burden!
This process is one reason that we have people create contracts with therapists, family members, partners. Maybe do that. Maybe use your burdensome worries to keep you safe. I like that hack because for me it sort of transforms the feelings of guilt into a more positive version of themselves - more 'I am an important and necessary part of this [diad, community, whathaveyou]' than 'I have to keep this show going or the audience will want their money back'.
I am speaking from both a professional (although OBVIOUSLY IANYT) and personal perspective.
I have one friend that I contract with when it gets bad for me. She has said things to me like "I need you to not do that to the kids", things that I could not say or have said to me in a professional capacity because of the risk of increasing those feelings of burden. But, for me, it works. It reminds me that I am an auntie, that I am a part of this family that would much prefer to have me around.
Your partner has feelings of anger as part of a huge spectrum of emotion. Facing the risk of losing you is going to bring up a whole range of feels. Try to remember that, even when there is anger in that mix, it is ALL motivated by love for you. Love creates all kinds of feelings all the time, it's not all happy feeling even when it's just about getting through an average day.
Also, talk about it, as much as you can. Everyone you can manage to share this issue with will provide you some helpful framing, and the more you can get of that, the better.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 1:42 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm so glad you're ok, for you and for those that love you. They aren't angry, just scared at how close they came to losing you. Shame is an emotion with a very limited usefulness that gets triggered really easily; it's ok to put it aside when it's just in the way of getting better.
I feel about the friends I lost to suicide the same way I feel about my father, who was killed (or at least had his life considerably shortened) by cigarette addiction: no anger, just frustration that our treatments for these things are so inadequate. I could be mad at my dad for not being able to quit, but I saw how hard he tried, for how long, and I know his struggle was real. I could be angry at the friends I lost, but they were suffering and struggling too. If they were here, I would hug them, not yell at them. Even though I miss them every day.
Good thoughts to you. Metafilter wants you to stick around.
posted by emjaybee at 2:13 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I feel about the friends I lost to suicide the same way I feel about my father, who was killed (or at least had his life considerably shortened) by cigarette addiction: no anger, just frustration that our treatments for these things are so inadequate. I could be mad at my dad for not being able to quit, but I saw how hard he tried, for how long, and I know his struggle was real. I could be angry at the friends I lost, but they were suffering and struggling too. If they were here, I would hug them, not yell at them. Even though I miss them every day.
Good thoughts to you. Metafilter wants you to stick around.
posted by emjaybee at 2:13 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I know how you're feeling, and I'd like to talk to you about it privately if you're open to it. Please feel free to get in touch with me if you want to.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:07 PM on April 13, 2014
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:07 PM on April 13, 2014
I tend to not be prone to shame. My attempted suicide at age 17 is one of the few things I felt ashamed of. I was probably around 40-ish when I discussed it at length with an Internet friend, not to help me but to help them, and finally stopped feeling that way.
It has been a few years, but I think I probably felt like a failure. I was a good student and people had high expectations for me and I think I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough or something. It seemed to me like a cop-out. But with talking about it with my friend, I realized that, in my case, it was a statement that other people could kill me but could not control me. For me, it set a precedent that got other people to back off. And I made my peace with it. So perhaps you need to journal about it or something and figure out what it personally means to you. Why do you feel ashamed? And is that shame a realistic assessment of events? I concluded that "not trying hard enough" or "failure" were not a realistic interpretation of those events. It did take me a really long time to get there. But reassessing the events helped me stop feeling like a screw-up.
With battling to get back my physical health, I do not suffer depression per se but I frequently find myself ranty, ragey and suicidal. My adult sons and I view it as just another side effect of the physical suffering I am enduring. So I would be inclined to view your "mysterious" suicide attempt as having a biological basis. In that sense, it may well truly be a sickness, not in some metaphorical sense but literally rooted in physical causes that fucked up your brain chemistry.
I am also reminded of an episode of "Kung Fu" where a wanted killer ends up dead because he "loses his edge." Caine talks with the man at some point and learns that he is so good at killing other people because he sees them as targets only, not people, and feels nothing. When he finally makes a human connection to a couple of people, he hesitates to shoot the sheriff that comes looking for him and, instead, winds up dead.
I think change is hard because sometimes the change itself puts you in danger in a way that being one thing or the other would not do. I kind of suspect your shame is a symptom of greater emotional health in some way. You are going through an important transition and these new feelings are part of being more whole. I sometimes try to cherish "the awkward moment" as ...an affirmation that being born anew is cold and scary and hard and very oh, fuck, what is happening? this can't be right! I sometimes view difficult experiences that way. (I wrote about that when I got evicted, in a blog that no longer exists.)
posted by Michele in California at 3:14 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
It has been a few years, but I think I probably felt like a failure. I was a good student and people had high expectations for me and I think I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough or something. It seemed to me like a cop-out. But with talking about it with my friend, I realized that, in my case, it was a statement that other people could kill me but could not control me. For me, it set a precedent that got other people to back off. And I made my peace with it. So perhaps you need to journal about it or something and figure out what it personally means to you. Why do you feel ashamed? And is that shame a realistic assessment of events? I concluded that "not trying hard enough" or "failure" were not a realistic interpretation of those events. It did take me a really long time to get there. But reassessing the events helped me stop feeling like a screw-up.
With battling to get back my physical health, I do not suffer depression per se but I frequently find myself ranty, ragey and suicidal. My adult sons and I view it as just another side effect of the physical suffering I am enduring. So I would be inclined to view your "mysterious" suicide attempt as having a biological basis. In that sense, it may well truly be a sickness, not in some metaphorical sense but literally rooted in physical causes that fucked up your brain chemistry.
I am also reminded of an episode of "Kung Fu" where a wanted killer ends up dead because he "loses his edge." Caine talks with the man at some point and learns that he is so good at killing other people because he sees them as targets only, not people, and feels nothing. When he finally makes a human connection to a couple of people, he hesitates to shoot the sheriff that comes looking for him and, instead, winds up dead.
I think change is hard because sometimes the change itself puts you in danger in a way that being one thing or the other would not do. I kind of suspect your shame is a symptom of greater emotional health in some way. You are going through an important transition and these new feelings are part of being more whole. I sometimes try to cherish "the awkward moment" as ...an affirmation that being born anew is cold and scary and hard and very oh, fuck, what is happening? this can't be right! I sometimes view difficult experiences that way. (I wrote about that when I got evicted, in a blog that no longer exists.)
posted by Michele in California at 3:14 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I attempted suicide two weeks ago. I have some notion of what you're feeling. MeMail/email (in profile) me if you need some help working through the shame/embarrassment, I don't really want to open that can of worms again.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:18 PM on April 13, 2014
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:18 PM on April 13, 2014
I'm going to offer another perspective here. You made a choice. A really bad one. You could have made a different choice (called a helpline, used a skill to manage thoughts/feelings, called 911, taken yourself to an ER, called your therapist etc). Family members and friends have a right to their anger, distrust etc. I think it is your responsibility to have a conversation with these folks to hear how they feel about your choice and to answer their questions about what led you to that choice. I hope you can have this conversation when you are feeling more stable and safe. While there are factors (biochemical, biological, situational etc) that may have played a role in this, your level of responsibility will probably go a long to mending these relationships and moving through the shame. For what it's worth, your concern and writing of this question seem to me to be a sign of health. I think it would be much worse if you weren't concerned about how you impacted your friends/family.
posted by rglass at 3:30 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by rglass at 3:30 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Maybe it will help to remind yourself that people are concerned, upset, or even angry, only because they care about you and your survival. If they didn't care, they wouldn't feel those things. So that is concrete proof that those people are a potential support system that you should take advantage of in the future. You don't need to feel suicidal to reach out for help - please do it before you ever get to that point again.
Your loved ones are probably having a lot of tangled emotions and thoughts about your suicide attempt, but I can't imagine any of them want you to feel guilty about it. Rather than this being a case of something you did to wrong them, I would bet that many of your loved ones feel that they have wronged you, by not helping you before you got to that point. Feeling guilty is not something that's going to help any of you, but maybe thinking about the root of the guilt (not wanting to cause pain) will help you reach out in the future, and keep yourself safe.
Personally, I have learned to translate "I'm praying for you" into "You are in my best thoughts, because I care about what you're going through." It helps me accept the sentiment without getting tripped up by the religious aspect (which I do not share).
I've never attempted suicide, but I have gotten damn close. Please drop me a line if you ever feel like talking. I won't judge you, and I am friendly. I am just another stranger on the internet, but you are in my best thoughts, because I care about what you're going through.
posted by jessicapierce at 3:47 PM on April 13, 2014
Your loved ones are probably having a lot of tangled emotions and thoughts about your suicide attempt, but I can't imagine any of them want you to feel guilty about it. Rather than this being a case of something you did to wrong them, I would bet that many of your loved ones feel that they have wronged you, by not helping you before you got to that point. Feeling guilty is not something that's going to help any of you, but maybe thinking about the root of the guilt (not wanting to cause pain) will help you reach out in the future, and keep yourself safe.
Personally, I have learned to translate "I'm praying for you" into "You are in my best thoughts, because I care about what you're going through." It helps me accept the sentiment without getting tripped up by the religious aspect (which I do not share).
I've never attempted suicide, but I have gotten damn close. Please drop me a line if you ever feel like talking. I won't judge you, and I am friendly. I am just another stranger on the internet, but you are in my best thoughts, because I care about what you're going through.
posted by jessicapierce at 3:47 PM on April 13, 2014
They aren't angry, just scared at how close they came to losing you.
Mmmmm not necessarily! I'm still angry about friends who killed themselves decades ago, and I get angry when people I know attempt suicide without reaching out for help. I mean, not angry in a nutso unhealthy way (I hope!) but certainly in a way that makes me sit up and take notice and go into action when people are suicidal now.
But you are going to feel much better after you see them and give an honest "Thank you for your concern" or "Thank you for your help." People (including your therapist!) don't want you to debase yourself, or apologize, or whatever. They want you to look them in the eye, and they want to know that you are healing and taking care of yourself.
Anger is a manifestation of hurt, which is caused by concern, affection, and care. You don't have to be afraid of it, or anything else other people are feeling.
I also think that part of your shame is shock. You're ashamed of yourself. That may mean that you have slapped yourself awake, and you're probably scared about your impulse control issues. That's a good thing.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:22 PM on April 13, 2014
Mmmmm not necessarily! I'm still angry about friends who killed themselves decades ago, and I get angry when people I know attempt suicide without reaching out for help. I mean, not angry in a nutso unhealthy way (I hope!) but certainly in a way that makes me sit up and take notice and go into action when people are suicidal now.
But you are going to feel much better after you see them and give an honest "Thank you for your concern" or "Thank you for your help." People (including your therapist!) don't want you to debase yourself, or apologize, or whatever. They want you to look them in the eye, and they want to know that you are healing and taking care of yourself.
Anger is a manifestation of hurt, which is caused by concern, affection, and care. You don't have to be afraid of it, or anything else other people are feeling.
I also think that part of your shame is shock. You're ashamed of yourself. That may mean that you have slapped yourself awake, and you're probably scared about your impulse control issues. That's a good thing.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:22 PM on April 13, 2014
Forgive yourself first and foremost.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:41 PM on April 13, 2014
posted by five fresh fish at 6:41 PM on April 13, 2014
Mod note: From the OP:
Since I am ashamed of the way this happened and I do not want it connected with my Metafilter account people can contact me at: ashamedsuicidalattempt@gmail.com.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 8:10 PM on April 13, 2014
There is just a lot of shock/shame involved in this incident. I think I am having a hard time forgiving myself as just the week before in therapy I had told my therapist that I didn't think I could kill myself if I even wanted to and that I didn't want to. And then *BAM* suddenly this happened. I even quit therapy over e-mail as soon as my therapist and I reconnected when I got out of the hospital. Obviously I immediately reconsidered but I'm even ashamed and anxious about seeing him for our first appointment after the fact.
I have been using jokes mostly to deal with the feelings of it with myself but as each day passes I am getting more atilt at what I did and having a real hard time facing people.
I don't know how I can begin to forgive myself. Or ask others to forgive me but thank you for your responses. They gave me something to think about and realize that it is mostly internal shame. I want to isolate and not face people. I want to break up with my girlfriend so she doesn't have to deal with such actions. Though, I've been in enough therapy to know that now it is time to slow down and not make any sudden decisions (already made that fatal one). I just feel ashamed down to the bone of how I hurt people.
I'm responding to your follow-up message to re-emphasize that the malfunctioning brain chemistry of depression frequently manifests itself as feelings of intense shame and guilt even when the person feeling them does not have any logical reason to feel ashamed or guilty.
So please please please don't act on these feelings. Don't break up with your girlfriend, don't withdraw from your friends, don't punish yourself in any way. This is just a temporary brain fart. It will go away as your new medications stabilize your brain and later you will look back on all this with a clearer perspective and wonder why you were so hard on yourself right now.
To use an analogy, it is like someone being very very sick with strep throat. While you have strep throat, you are bedridden and miserable and can't eat most things. That doesn't mean you should make any drastic life decisions like quitting your job, school, and outside hobbies and throwing out all the food in your pantry under the assumption that you will never be able to get out of bed or eat normally again. You just take your antibiotics and wait to get better because you understand that strep throat is a temporary condition and that you will feel differently once you've recovered.
Remember this: DEPRESSION IS A VERY PERSUASIVE LIAR. Right now your depression is telling you that you should be ashamed and guilty about your suicide attempt and it sounds pretty convincing. But it is lying to you! Don't listen to it! You need to give yourself about three months on the new medication before you can safely assume that your feelings might be your own legitimate feelings and not just the lies that your depression is telling you.
I know that it is hard to have perspective when your own brain is lying to you. But please trust me as someone who has been through what you're going through that right now you just have to wait it out because it WILL go away. If you're having a hard time avoiding ruminating on these feelings, find some way to distract yourself while you wait, like an immersive video game or marathoning a engrossing TV series.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:33 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
So please please please don't act on these feelings. Don't break up with your girlfriend, don't withdraw from your friends, don't punish yourself in any way. This is just a temporary brain fart. It will go away as your new medications stabilize your brain and later you will look back on all this with a clearer perspective and wonder why you were so hard on yourself right now.
To use an analogy, it is like someone being very very sick with strep throat. While you have strep throat, you are bedridden and miserable and can't eat most things. That doesn't mean you should make any drastic life decisions like quitting your job, school, and outside hobbies and throwing out all the food in your pantry under the assumption that you will never be able to get out of bed or eat normally again. You just take your antibiotics and wait to get better because you understand that strep throat is a temporary condition and that you will feel differently once you've recovered.
Remember this: DEPRESSION IS A VERY PERSUASIVE LIAR. Right now your depression is telling you that you should be ashamed and guilty about your suicide attempt and it sounds pretty convincing. But it is lying to you! Don't listen to it! You need to give yourself about three months on the new medication before you can safely assume that your feelings might be your own legitimate feelings and not just the lies that your depression is telling you.
I know that it is hard to have perspective when your own brain is lying to you. But please trust me as someone who has been through what you're going through that right now you just have to wait it out because it WILL go away. If you're having a hard time avoiding ruminating on these feelings, find some way to distract yourself while you wait, like an immersive video game or marathoning a engrossing TV series.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:33 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
...I apparently contacted a friend to say goodbye while waiting out the OD and they phoned the ambulance and cops. I am really embarrassed that I did this to them.I lost a good friend to suicide a couple of years ago.
I was the last person who knew him to see him alive. I wish he would've given me some inkling--or in your case, the full info--of what he was planning. Even if for some reason I was mad at him for calling me (I wouldn't have been), I'd rather that-times-1000 than never being able to talk with him again as long as I live.
I am so glad that you are okay.
Take it easy, and know that You are loved so very much.
posted by blueberry at 10:07 PM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Please trust that if you reach out to the people you are feeling particular shame about and let them know you are having this emotion that it will help.
Hearing what they have to say may help in ways you don't expect. I once told someone how bad I felt about "not being there for them" during a very hard thing in their life and, much to my shock, I was told "But you were there for me..." and given a list of ways in which my long distance support had made a critical difference for them during this very hard time in their life. It really made a big difference to how I felt about the situation.
The viewpoint of other people may not be at all what you are expecting. And, honestly, sometimes getting an assholish reply can also help you cut someone loose and stop feeling obligated. So you might feel a whole lot better after talking to them regardless of whether they are super nice about it or really awful.
posted by Michele in California at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2014
Hearing what they have to say may help in ways you don't expect. I once told someone how bad I felt about "not being there for them" during a very hard thing in their life and, much to my shock, I was told "But you were there for me..." and given a list of ways in which my long distance support had made a critical difference for them during this very hard time in their life. It really made a big difference to how I felt about the situation.
The viewpoint of other people may not be at all what you are expecting. And, honestly, sometimes getting an assholish reply can also help you cut someone loose and stop feeling obligated. So you might feel a whole lot better after talking to them regardless of whether they are super nice about it or really awful.
posted by Michele in California at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2014
If you have been a friend of someone who attempted what do you want to hear from them about it?
Primarily: that you're alive, safe, healthy, getting help, reaching out, hopeful.
Very distant secondarily: that you're unlikely to try it again.
posted by ead at 3:17 PM on April 14, 2014
Primarily: that you're alive, safe, healthy, getting help, reaching out, hopeful.
Very distant secondarily: that you're unlikely to try it again.
posted by ead at 3:17 PM on April 14, 2014
As someone who recently was the one to find a friend who attempted suicide (they'd arranged it that way), I have to disagree with the people who say apologies are not needed. My friend has apologized several times in the last few days, and especially the first apologies made a Huge difference. While it's true that the disease sucks and your first priority should be working on your own recovery, rebuilding trust with your closest people will help, too.
My friend, too, has been feeling a lot of shame, that seems common, and we will be going to a joint therapy session to work on the fact that it's now a trauma for me as well as them. Because Not talking about it seemed like a horribly perfect way to continue the shame and bury my anger and not help make things better between us.
The main things that will help me now are learning about the changes in treatment and situation that will hopefully make changes to the depression. That they're working on it honestly, earnestly, and in good faith. If other things come up in our therapy session this week that seem appropriate I'll share those with you, too.
Thanks for sticking around. I know your loved ones are mostly Deeply Grateful.
posted by ldthomps at 5:06 PM on April 14, 2014
My friend, too, has been feeling a lot of shame, that seems common, and we will be going to a joint therapy session to work on the fact that it's now a trauma for me as well as them. Because Not talking about it seemed like a horribly perfect way to continue the shame and bury my anger and not help make things better between us.
The main things that will help me now are learning about the changes in treatment and situation that will hopefully make changes to the depression. That they're working on it honestly, earnestly, and in good faith. If other things come up in our therapy session this week that seem appropriate I'll share those with you, too.
Thanks for sticking around. I know your loved ones are mostly Deeply Grateful.
posted by ldthomps at 5:06 PM on April 14, 2014
I've been where you are. I am glad that you are here, and that you are getting help.
Two things, from my own experience:
Good luck, and you can always memail me if you need support. What you are going through is hard, and please try to respect yourself for every effort, no matter how seemingly small.
posted by scrump at 12:57 PM on April 15, 2014
Two things, from my own experience:
- Start by forgiving yourself. All else follows from that. As for where to start: I have found that a good first step was to wear a rubber band on my wrist. Every time I recognized that I was judging myself, I snapped the band against my wrist, and the shock was usually enough to break me out of the habitual self-loathing.
- When people tell you that they were only worried for you, and that they weren't (or aren't) angry, believe them.
Good luck, and you can always memail me if you need support. What you are going through is hard, and please try to respect yourself for every effort, no matter how seemingly small.
posted by scrump at 12:57 PM on April 15, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
You don't owe anyone anything right now, least of all apologies. Your depression is a disease and it almost killed you. Think of it like cancer; would someone who almost died of cancer owe their loved ones an apology or an explanation? Hell no!
If you were my friend I would want to know that you were on the path to recovery. So share as much of your recovery as you're comfortable with them. But don't ever apologize for your depression or for your suicide attempt, because it is not your fault. If you feel safe doing so, perhaps you could tell them that you're worried about their reactions (as you've expressed here) in order to help them be as supportive as possible.
But really: please don't feel sorry for this. It's a symptom of an illness, nothing more. Please repeat that until you believe it. And good luck with everything!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2014 [18 favorites]