How to tactfully explain to people that I’m not straight?

April 12, 2014 6:45 AM

I got married last year (!). My husband and I are both queer, and both have a history of same-sex relationships before we met one another. This hasn't caused any problems in our own relationship, but it’s causing some unexpected confusion at our LGBT-friendly church.

A little bit of background: my husband identifies as male and queer, and reads as gay to a lot of people, so there’s sometimes some confusion when I’m introduced as his wife. (This doesn’t bother us.) I’m queer and fairly femme, but my gender identity is a bit complicated, and I don’t generally discuss it with anyone but my husband. Neither of us like the term “bisexual”, since it seems very binary, which I’m particularly uncomfortable with.

My husband does not come from a religious background, but I do, and he was willing to start coming to church with me (I haven’t been for about ten years, and we’ve moved cities since). We very deliberately picked a LGBT church, since I didn’t want to risk ever sitting through a sermon about “traditional marriage” or proper gender roles or something equally gross. I was also hoping we might meet some more people like us, since only a few of our friends aren’t straight. We started attending services a couple of months ago.

We got off to an okay start – when we’re together we do look exactly like a couple of super-duper straight people, so I understand why some people in the congregation came up and told us how nice it was to have some more straight people joining their church. We’ve been tactfully replying with something like “well, neither of us actually identify that way, but no worries! What a great sermon blah blah blah…”

I’ve discussed my identity in more detail with a few of my closer church friends, but some people just. Aren’t. Getting. It. I keep having this conversation with well-meaning people:

Well-meaning person: “So, how are you finding our church?”
Me: “Oh, it’s been good! Everyone’s very welcoming, and I really like the blah blah blah…”
WMP: “Oh, that’s great that you’re so comfortable here! We really like having straight people here, too!”
Me: “I’m actually not – ”
WMP: “Yeah, I know that.”
Me: "Uh, okay."

I’ve also gotten the “oh, you’re bisexxxxxual!” thing, which is closer to correct but still sort of annoying, since that’s not what I call myself, and I’ve been quite clear about that. Pretty much all of our good friends outside church know we're not straight, and it was remarkably easier to explain this to them.

Short of wearing a flashing neon “not 100% hetero” sign, how can I tactfully handle this? It’s really soured my feelings towards a church which I otherwise like. I get that I have passing privilege, and that my experience in the world is different from people who are more obviously queer (I remember the sort of nonsense I came across when I dated women). I also understand we could just go join some other church and never mention the queer thing and just pretend like we’re a straight married couple, but this stuff is part of my identity and I don’t like to pretend like it’s not important to me.

I would bring it up with our pastor, but a couple of weeks ago he described our congregation as “gay, lesbian, confused, transgender and seeking”, so…yeah. I worry that I’m being seen as an interloper rather than a member of the community, and it bothers me.

Sorry for the wall of text – what I really want to know is a polite but effective way of explaining that I’m not 100% straight-or-gay, without coming off as snarky or defensive, and especially when I’m having the conversation for the second or third time.

posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (32 answers total)

If "queer" is the word you're most comfortable with, are you using it in your conversations with Well-Meaning Persons?

WMP: “Oh, that’s great that you’re so comfortable here! We really like having straight people here, too!”
Me: “Oh, hon, I definitely wouldn't call me straight! People in what look like hetero relationships can be huge queers, too!"

Also, you're lucky and I envy you and you're not the only couple I know with this issue (unless we're secretly Twitter friends).
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:52 AM on April 12, 2014 [19 favorites]

(I mean that I envy that you found a fellow-queer who gets your gender stuff to spend your life with, not that you're having this issue!)
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:53 AM on April 12, 2014 [9 favorites]

It sounds to me like you are doing a perfectly good job of explaining your situation - it's the people on the other side of the conversation who are failing to hear. From the outside, I would say that this is probably not the right church for you - being gay doesn't necessary equate to being progressive, and trying to "educate" these folks sounds like an uphill battle. I don't know what you can say to individual people, short of what you have been saying, patiently and repeatedly: "That's not how I identify; both my husband and I are queer," and then being willing to explain further if asked: "Actually, I don't really like the term 'bisexual,' because it reads as very binary..." And so on.

If you are really determined to keep going to this church, I would definitely bring it up with the pastor. Not just in passing - set up a meeting to talk with him about it, and tell him how much the situation has been bothering you - that you're considering leaving the congregation over it. It's his job, more than it is yours, to educate the congregation so that you feel welcomed in, and if he's worth his salt, I wouldn't be surprised if he devoted at least part of a sermon to doing some teaching on the subject.

If it doesn't work out, I would definitely not assume your only option is to go to a different church and never mention the queer thing. My guess is that explicitly gay friendly churches where the majority of the congregation is straight, but also young and left-leaning, might actually be a little more open-minded than the place you are right now.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:04 AM on April 12, 2014 [4 favorites]

I think "queer" is a great word for this, and might as well just put it out there--I really doubt anybody's seeing you as an "interloper" in the least, but if someone asks how you found them, the simplest and most direct answer is "we're both queer and we were looking for a church that was going to be friendly to that". Gay people can have just as many biases to overcome as straight people, but I think in a crowd like this you'll probably find people more likely to want to try. And the biases aren't always from an exclusionary place--given the difficulty that small churches have in this day and age, I'd guess that if it's coming from anywhere, it's probably coming from them wanting to be more inclusive and therefore wanting some straight members.
posted by Sequence at 7:12 AM on April 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

I have to say, as a layman I'm totally lost as to what the situation is. You don't mention your sex in the question. As someone who doesn't know you, I can see why you can come across as a little puzzling.

My only advice would be to not care so much what people think. Everyone runs into people on a daily basis who make assumptions about them. I just smile and nod and move on and cross that person off as "doesn't get it".
posted by PSB at 7:23 AM on April 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

Well, I don't think you can both make people respect your queer identity AND not come across as snarky and/or defensive. You're in a situation where you feel invalidated by rude people- that's going to make a person snarky. And defensive. If it's not enough to just keep saying "Actually I'm queer (or pan, or whatever you identify as)" whenever this comes up, and it is really really that important to you that members of the congregation get your identity, then you might have to be a bit more forceful. "Hey, not everyone is visibly LGBT, you should know that". "Straight-passing does not mean straight." Something like that. And hey- if they are supposed to be LGBT are they policing everyone's gender identity or forcing disclosure as well? Not cool.

I do think, though, that it might be one occasion where you just let it slide with the stubborn ones. You say you have friends there, who presumably understand your situation, so why is it so important that EVERYONE you talk to knows the ins and outs of your identity? You're not being asked to leave, they're still being welcoming. Just moving on in the conversation with the obtuse people might cause you a lot less hassle. Your identity is important, but it is not going to be destroyed if a few churchgoers can't quite grasp its nuances. You don't need every person in the world to validate you.
posted by mymbleth at 7:33 AM on April 12, 2014 [6 favorites]

Is your concern that people aren't totally understanding your identity and are, therefore, unable to really be potential friends....or that you are seen as an "interloper" in your church community?

As a cis straight woman I know I have all kinds of privilege here, but I do attend a lefty LGBTQ-friendly UU church. My sense from how our diverse bunch of church folks operate is that probably no one is really giving your identity too much thought. People saying "oh hey, you're straight, glad you're here" are probably just awkwardly making somewhat oblivious small talk, rather than deliberately "not getting it."

I think the suggestions upthread to just affirm your queerness and move on to other topics are probably good ones, unless you get more of a sense of a problem. I tend to assume cluelessness rather than bad intent....but I may be wrong.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:38 AM on April 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

Short of wearing a flashing neon “not 100% hetero” sign

Ok, I know this is not necessarily the way you want to go, but I can definitely see these pride collar clips being very cute and church-appropriate on a shirt dress, button-up, or cardigan!

I kind of want to buy them now myself...if they're sold out by the time you click on that it was probably me.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:15 AM on April 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

How about a response like, "Oh sweetie, straight? We're as twisted as they come!"

If you really like the services, and you feel like these folks are 'your people' the rest will come in good time.

Hang in there, some folks are just slower on the uptake than others.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:24 AM on April 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

I have a similar (maybe?) take as PSB on the situation. I grew up in the South, but have always been progressive in regards to relationships, gender identities, and so on. Now that I'm in in the North however, I feel like I still have a ways to go in knowing what to do and say in certain situations. My department at our regular semester meeting invited members from the schools LGBTQ resource center to come and talk to us, and among several of the things they emphasized to us, was to never make assumptions about the other person, whether they're a student of ours or someone of the streets, we shouldn't make assumptions about if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, if they identify with their sex or not, if their relationship matches their sexual orientation, and many other things that I've just never thought about or encountered before.

The thing is, this is brand new territory for 90% of the population. Some people who are older, are probably never going to fully "get it" even if they are generally supportive. Many other people because they're not used to it, aren't going to "get it." And many people are just too simple minded and concerned about their own affairs, that they're never going to "get it" either.

There might be some good suggestions in this thread about maybe some new things to tell people, but I think at the end of the day, regardless of what's right and wrong about it, this might just be something you have to shrug off.
posted by SollosQ at 8:30 AM on April 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

What you need is the church gossip. Someone who tells everyone else who and what you are, so the message gets out. I'm going to assume people at your church are well meaning but are just a little confused. It's much easier for them to sort out their confusion in private, not in real time talking to you. Also saves you the burden of having to educate everyone face to face.

(And I second Juliet Banana's suggestion that "queer" should be plenty of description for you and your husband. Or "bent", if you're being a little funny.)
posted by Nelson at 8:31 AM on April 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

One thing I've learned as a bisexual person is that queer people can be just as weird about assumptions and putting their feet in their mouth as straight people are.

Unless you are being asked not to come back to this church, I think you should just keep doing what you're doing.

It might be helpful to either have a term for your sexuality that makes sense to people (even if it's little used), or to have a way of explaining rather than "nuh-uh". Even if it's not a label that really speaks to you or which is 100% universally perfect at describing your specific sexuality. A lot of people who think bisexual is "too binary" like pansexual. There are probably other comparable terms I've not heard.

Being queer but having your current relationship map to what looks like a traditional hetero pairing is totally frustrating. I sympathize.
posted by Sara C. at 8:35 AM on April 12, 2014 [6 favorites]

People tend to want to apply labels, and they have expectations about those labels. Two gay people of the opposite sexes in a marriage is confounding. You can choose to be mysterious, but you cannot be surprised when people are mystified.
posted by yclipse at 8:45 AM on April 12, 2014 [24 favorites]

Why bother? if it makes the rest of the church members feel warm and fuzzy to think the church is attracting all sorts of people, let them. And if there's someone who thinks you're " interlopers", well, that person doesn't seem to grasp the idea of being a congregation, gathered together in His name. If I was in your queer shoes, I'd let them all keep guessing.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:06 AM on April 12, 2014

I'm with PSB here. What are your ultimate reasons for attending this church? If you get the "ultimate" thing out of it, I think the rest you'll just have to deal with.

I'm black. When I talk to acquaintances about my SO, they usually assume he's a black man. When my mid-50s rocker dude boyfriend shows up, people are usually a little shocked. Nonetheless, I'm not going to run around saying to people "hey, I've got a white boyfriend" just so they won't be confused.

You're handling it fine. When the opportunity to explain yourself comes up, do so and move on.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 9:12 AM on April 12, 2014 [22 favorites]

"Having both spent many years in same sex relationships, Joe and I both feel more at home here."

I'm assuming you're female:
"Oh yes, my ex girlfriend recommended this church and we love it here."
posted by salvia at 9:17 AM on April 12, 2014 [8 favorites]

I would bring it up with our pastor, but a couple of weeks ago he described our congregation as “gay, lesbian, confused, transgender and seeking”,

I feel bad for anyone in your congregation who does identify as bisexual, having their own pastor write them off as falling into confused/seeking category would be a real slap in the face.

I agree with everyone else above that you should try to find some way to describe yourself beyond "not straight". Nature & conversation abhors a vacuum - if you tell people what you are not without telling them what you are, then all they have to go on are their assumptions. If being assumed bisexual (which seems like a pretty logical assumption for someone to make in this context) is going to bother you that much, you should skip right past the 'not straight' part of the conversation and start with the "I am [identifier]".
posted by oh yeah! at 9:18 AM on April 12, 2014 [9 favorites]

Also, once you get your rap down, I do think it's completely fine to be totally repetitive. It's okay to answer the same questions or assumptions with the same answer – even *exactly* the same answer; maybe even especially *exactly* the same answer – again and again... and again, even if it feels awkward.

The reason I say this is that I notice that some people just don't digest information, or retain information, or care enough to note information, or are absent-minded or generally confused, or whatever, and that just patiently responding with the exact same thing that I've said before (and before), while it seems to me that it would or should be taken as a bit insulting or condescending, really isn't, because they just don't grok whatever it is for whatever reason. With repetition, most do... eventually.

Some people will be interested and attentive to the information others share about themselves at once, and some will completely forget everything in about 30 seconds, while others will not even reflect on the exchange that long. Usually it's not personal or malicious at all (and for those, if any, who are acting in bad faith, other indicators will soon reveal this). So don't feel embarrassed to keep correcting / answering with the same old thing again and again until the whole thing is so old news and well-worn it's completely a non-issue... and there will be plenty of oldtymer congregants to fill in any new folks who are confused.

Sometimes with stuff like this, I find it really helps to imagine yourself living in Stars Hollow.
posted by taz at 9:21 AM on April 12, 2014

"Actually, I identify as queer." I'm unclear why it needs to be more complex than that. If people then say "Ooooh, you're bisexual!" it actually isn't your burden to educate them.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:38 AM on April 12, 2014 [8 favorites]

Do you feel that when your pastor said your congregation was "gay, lesbian, confused, transgender and seeking" he was dismissing any identity that didn't fit within a gay/straight binary? Or do you think it was an awkward turn of phrase by someone who is well-meaning but not a smooth speaker?

The larger question you're raising is whether your gender identity is truly welcomed at the church. I'm confused that an LGBT-friendly church would have people coming up and telling you that they think you're straight. It sounds like congregation members are lacking an understanding of passing, and of the diversity of gender and sexual identities in the world.

Try talking with the pastor about this (that's part of his job). If he doesn't offer suggestions I would look around for other churches to see if there are other congregations where you'd feel more welcome.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 10:10 AM on April 12, 2014

The classic Miss Manners response is " I beg your pardon?"
posted by brujita at 10:36 AM on April 12, 2014

The classic Miss Manners response is " I beg your pardon?"

I can't see this response being anything other than confusing and incredibly awkward. I like salvia or DarlingBri's responses.
posted by JenMarie at 11:01 AM on April 12, 2014 [7 favorites]

"I'm confused that an LGBT-friendly church would have people coming up and telling you that they think you're straight."

Me too. I grew up in an LGBT-friendly church because my mother, who is married to my father, didn't want to hear about "proper gender roles or something equally gross" like you. No one ever said a word to her about her orientation or asked why she was there. What I'm saying is that I don't think this would be an issue at all or even many LGBT-friendly churches.
posted by entropyiswinning at 11:05 AM on April 12, 2014

If it was me, I would reply "oh, do we look straight?" and smile.
posted by gt2 at 11:28 AM on April 12, 2014 [5 favorites]

How you identify really shouldn't be anyone's business.

This gets complicated within LGBTQI circles, where identity is usually talked about more openly than it is out in the wider culture.

If the OP is attending an explicitly LGBTQI church -- as opposed to a church that is "welcoming" -- I can see this sort of thing being more fair game for casual conversation than at your typical Lutheran congregation.

That said, the questioners are probably expecting a simple "My husband is bisexual and I identify as genderqueer" type of answer, or a face-value explanation of why a seemingly hetero couple happened to choose this particular church. You should come up with an appropriately simple answer, whether that's "My husband is bisexual and I identify as genderqueer", or "we just like not hearing sermons against gay marriage", or "none of your business", or whatever you feel is most appropriate.
posted by Sara C. at 1:31 PM on April 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

So yeah. I feel you, truly. Your identity is yours, and always will be. I do think in general, this will resolve itself in time at the church.

And...

You're engaged now in a life-long man-woman marriage. That is a heterosexual arrangement, which reads as a straight couple. It looks like a straight couple, and has the attendant respect of a straight couple. So this is what you're going to get from people, and I don't see any conceivable reason that people gay, straight or otherwise should possibly not address you as a "straight couple." (As incorrect as it turns out to be of you as individuals!)

The reason some gays get bent out of shape about queers adopting public queerness while living in heterosexual arrangements is that you get all of the privilege and none of the flack. You get to pass.

You already know all this stuff, at least intellectually; you wrote about it eloquently.

Pretty much every time you bring this up you're going to be hitting gay-arrangement-living folks with something that maybe doesn't feel great to them while they are in their gay church. Is that your problem or theirs? I honestly can't decide. On the one hand, people's minds should be open! And on the other hand, you're probably also meeting a lot of gays who've been Kinsey 6's all their lives and never met anyone more interesting. :)

I have been in complicated arrangements of all sorts in my life and I get it. The core stuff of who you are is for your friends, though—the ones who get you. The rest of it doesn't matter, and is, I think not really necessary to express on the regular. We all have things like this, but we can only bring so much of, say, our class or family identity out with regularity when those kinds of assumptions are made too. ("What does your father do?" "Actually I don't know," or, "I don't have a father," or a million other kinds of answers, most of which one wouldn't say to a stranger or a coworker.)

So I do think you should have a witty or friendly comeback, as people suggested above, sure, why not. I always think you need to not be defensive about who you are and how you're perceived.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:03 PM on April 12, 2014 [25 favorites]

"...We really like having straight people here, too!"

"It's great that they can feel welcome here too. Maybe I'll invite my friend/sibling who's straight!"

They claim to "know" you're not straight, so clearly they don't mean you when they talk about straight people, right?
posted by teremala at 3:39 PM on April 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Maybe something like: "I am happy to give the church more appearance of heteronormative diversity. But I came here to find My People since I am not straight."

Or maybe "It's mere coincidence that we look heteronormative. Neither of us is."

I think I would try to focus on stating that this is a case of "appearances can be deceiving" in as casual a manner as I could because, yeah, it kind of makes people feel stupid and insulted to be too blunt about stating the obvious. Since you don't seem to have (or perhaps there isn't in common usage) a good term for how you identify, I think it is fine to define it as "not straight" or something like that.

(I don't really identify as hetero either but basically live like I am hetero, so I usually don't bother to correct such assumptions. Still, I also don't really have a term for someone like me since I don't think "bisexual" really works either. You have my sympathies.)
posted by Michele in California at 3:56 PM on April 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

I just wanted to echo what Taz said. I am super slow to remember things. I do not learn very well from listening, alas. As my friends and family know all too well. Reading? Much better for me. So those people who keep asking you? Just keep answering them. It's nothing personal. I mean, they are trying to welcome you so their hearts are in the right place even if their gray cells are slow to catch up.

I was once the only self-identified white person at a meeting for black writers. It was really interesting when the male speaker/chair took another woman to task for her comments based on the idea that she was white. Turned out that she was born and raised in the black community but that was not obvious to the speaker.

Our brains take shortcuts. It saves energy. Sometimes the shortcuts backfire. Also, that confused thing? That would annoy me. I'd be talking about the minister about that for sure.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:27 PM on April 12, 2014

How about a response like, "Oh sweetie, straight? We're as twisted as they come!"
If it was me, I would reply "oh, do we look straight?" and smile.

I find it best to avoid anything that could be construed as a come-on at church.

Pretty much all of our good friends outside church know we're not straight, and it was remarkably easier to explain this to them.

My parents have belonged to a LGBT friendly church for years and years. It's liberal and all but its still a church crowd, older, more traditional / conservative (or some synonym thereof), more family oriented and probably more interested in defining relationships. And nosier.
posted by fshgrl at 6:10 PM on April 12, 2014

'We're a straight couple, but we're not straight individually"

"Thanks, we actually identify as queer."

I would definitely talk to the pastor though about opening a briader conversation (that would involve the community at some point) about inclusiveness and identity and all the things that have evolved since the time some of the original members were first coming out and spending a lot of time on these issues.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:24 AM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

I posted the MM response because it's rude of the fellow congregants to say this.
posted by brujita at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]