"Am I too wacky?" - another OkCupid profile review
March 9, 2014 8:54 AM Subscribe
Loads of "hooks", as received wisdom says is the right thing to do - but does it make me sound undateably wilfully eccentric? Profile here. Any and all feedback welcome, whether it's related to my suspected issues with the profile or not.
I enjoyed this Ask MeFi thread about a guy with an overly-intellectual, overly-specific profile, and want to be interesting and honest without falling into that trap.
Other OkCupid users might enjoy this episode of the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast about the site, which is what made me first consider the "right" way to write a profile.
I enjoyed this Ask MeFi thread about a guy with an overly-intellectual, overly-specific profile, and want to be interesting and honest without falling into that trap.
Other OkCupid users might enjoy this episode of the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast about the site, which is what made me first consider the "right" way to write a profile.
I don't have anything constructive to add or any useful tips, but I wanted to let you know that I like your profile and I think it's fine to leave it as is. It's witty, humorous, interesting, and not too over the top wacky.
posted by Fairchild at 9:09 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Fairchild at 9:09 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
I agree with Ideefixe on your pictures.
The write-up is great. You sound like someone I would happily message, were I single and looking for a fun, interesting date. The one thing that struck me is odd is that you seem to have a relatively fun, sunny write-up... until you get to your favorite books. While many of those are also on my favorite books list, they're all maybe a wee bit on the "dark and psychologically disturbed / disturbing" side of the literary spectrum, and it's kind of jarring after the rest of your profile. Maybe say a bit about why you're drawn to that sort of literature?
Definitely not too wacky or overly precious or anything. I think you sound absolutely fun.
posted by erst at 9:10 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
The write-up is great. You sound like someone I would happily message, were I single and looking for a fun, interesting date. The one thing that struck me is odd is that you seem to have a relatively fun, sunny write-up... until you get to your favorite books. While many of those are also on my favorite books list, they're all maybe a wee bit on the "dark and psychologically disturbed / disturbing" side of the literary spectrum, and it's kind of jarring after the rest of your profile. Maybe say a bit about why you're drawn to that sort of literature?
Definitely not too wacky or overly precious or anything. I think you sound absolutely fun.
posted by erst at 9:10 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
You sound smart and quirky and flippant. If that is who you are, I would leave it. The only line that is a turnoff is your flipping a coin joke. It's too self deprecating, even if you are joking. I agree with Ideefixe about the photo.
posted by gt2 at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
"You flip a coin and you lose..."
I would take this line out; I know you're just joking, but it smells of low self-esteem and that would put me off.
posted by I_read_somewhere_that_. . . at 9:15 AM on March 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would take this line out; I know you're just joking, but it smells of low self-esteem and that would put me off.
posted by I_read_somewhere_that_. . . at 9:15 AM on March 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Agree with most of the above. There's a small typo, though - should be "wardrobe staple" (but it does make me curious to see that shirt).
posted by mireille at 9:21 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mireille at 9:21 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I like the third blue-shirt picture better than the one that's currently first. The lighting isn't as good but your smile is nice in that one. I agree though - these pictures are okay but not great, so see if you can get a couple of better ones, and include at least one full-body picture of you doing something.
You have a lot of details and invitations for further conversation that make it easy for someone to message you, so that's good.
I agree that you should take out the flip the coin bit. In general I would also go through and try to find places where you can tone down the smartness a little bit. You're coming across to me as a really friendly, nice, smart and quirky person, but there is just a hint of trying-too-hard-to-be-smart-and-funny. Which, I know, is practically impossible to avoid. So for instance, don't say "cogitating," just say thinking. But that is a pretty minor quibble. Overall I think it's a great profile. Get better pictures and you'll be in good shape!
posted by aka burlap at 9:24 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
You have a lot of details and invitations for further conversation that make it easy for someone to message you, so that's good.
I agree that you should take out the flip the coin bit. In general I would also go through and try to find places where you can tone down the smartness a little bit. You're coming across to me as a really friendly, nice, smart and quirky person, but there is just a hint of trying-too-hard-to-be-smart-and-funny. Which, I know, is practically impossible to avoid. So for instance, don't say "cogitating," just say thinking. But that is a pretty minor quibble. Overall I think it's a great profile. Get better pictures and you'll be in good shape!
posted by aka burlap at 9:24 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
You really need better pictures.* That's not a critique of how you look - it's a criticism of the pictures themselves. Get someone with a good DSLR to take some pictures of you. Spend some time on it. Make sure you have good lighting. Take a lot of pictures, choose the best.
I don't really like your first factlet. It sounds humble-braggy (and if you are going to brag, why not just say the comedian's name? It's less affected that way). Maybe if you flipped the order and started with the story about negotiating with the French police it'd be less off-putting. But something about starting your profile with things you've done that relate to fame/status really rubbed me the wrong way.
I like the next section, but I'd suggest trying for more specifics and fewer generalities. Give an example of a social justice issue you like to debate instead of saying social justice issues. Give an example of a sitcom you like to watch and the breakfasts you like to make. This is probably the easiest way to make your profile better - every time you see a generality, make it specific. That will help shift your profile away from being a general, vague description of a person and towards being a snapshot of what it might be like to hang out with you for a weekend.
I actually really like the rest of your profile. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Someone who met their spouse through his well-written online profile
*I know it probably sounds shallow, but when you're online dating, pictures aren't just about whether you're attracted to somebody. They're about whether you trust this stranger enough to meet up with them in person, whether to give someone you're on the fence about a chance. See this post for more info.
posted by leitmotif at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
I don't really like your first factlet. It sounds humble-braggy (and if you are going to brag, why not just say the comedian's name? It's less affected that way). Maybe if you flipped the order and started with the story about negotiating with the French police it'd be less off-putting. But something about starting your profile with things you've done that relate to fame/status really rubbed me the wrong way.
I like the next section, but I'd suggest trying for more specifics and fewer generalities. Give an example of a social justice issue you like to debate instead of saying social justice issues. Give an example of a sitcom you like to watch and the breakfasts you like to make. This is probably the easiest way to make your profile better - every time you see a generality, make it specific. That will help shift your profile away from being a general, vague description of a person and towards being a snapshot of what it might be like to hang out with you for a weekend.
I actually really like the rest of your profile. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Someone who met their spouse through his well-written online profile
*I know it probably sounds shallow, but when you're online dating, pictures aren't just about whether you're attracted to somebody. They're about whether you trust this stranger enough to meet up with them in person, whether to give someone you're on the fence about a chance. See this post for more info.
posted by leitmotif at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Better photos, yes.
Now to the coup de grace: I think you comes across as trying too hard to be wacky and quirky - rather being authentically quirky and wacky. An example:
I once spent an evening negotiating in broken French with Parisian police who were trying to search the bus of the electro/dance band I was touring with.
You are doing the whole "gosh, I am not good at French" self-deprecating thing whilst going "and I used to be in a band" impressive fact-dropping. It doesn't really work. Compare it to:
I used to tour with an electro-dance band whilst led to an unfortunate linguistic encounter with the French police
You are saying the same thing but the sequence on facts is reversed making you end of a humble, humorous note. You are using the same anecdote but you sound far less try-hard and cooler?
posted by kariebookish at 9:31 AM on March 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
Now to the coup de grace: I think you comes across as trying too hard to be wacky and quirky - rather being authentically quirky and wacky. An example:
I once spent an evening negotiating in broken French with Parisian police who were trying to search the bus of the electro/dance band I was touring with.
You are doing the whole "gosh, I am not good at French" self-deprecating thing whilst going "and I used to be in a band" impressive fact-dropping. It doesn't really work. Compare it to:
I used to tour with an electro-dance band whilst led to an unfortunate linguistic encounter with the French police
You are saying the same thing but the sequence on facts is reversed making you end of a humble, humorous note. You are using the same anecdote but you sound far less try-hard and cooler?
posted by kariebookish at 9:31 AM on March 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
This profile reads a little try-hard and not incredibly heartfelt to me. Maybe in the first few responses, say something that isn't clever and is really close to who you are.
I think your photos could be improved, but only quality-wise. You're a cute dude (says a dude who's into dudes, so take that as you will).
posted by xingcat at 9:33 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think your photos could be improved, but only quality-wise. You're a cute dude (says a dude who's into dudes, so take that as you will).
posted by xingcat at 9:33 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
More photos, maybe some candid shots?
Otherwise, I really like your profile and if we lived in the same time zone I would consider making an OKCupid profile just to ask you out.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:34 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, I really like your profile and if we lived in the same time zone I would consider making an OKCupid profile just to ask you out.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:34 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'd probably just leave out the opening anecdotes. Too many quirky anecdotes makes me think one of two things: either this person's already told me all the interesting things about himself, or he's got a lot more in store and will talk my ear off about wacky adventures in his past.
Besides, I'm more interested in what people are doing now. If I were single and looking, I'd be more likely to ask where you go for pub quizzes than what happened between you and the police in Paris.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:52 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Besides, I'm more interested in what people are doing now. If I were single and looking, I'd be more likely to ask where you go for pub quizzes than what happened between you and the police in Paris.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:52 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Guy here, with several successful okcupid relationships in my past. Maybe take out the two lead-ins? "Three honest-to-goodness factlets" and "Here's the meandering". I think that's what makes it try-hard? It's stronger and still flows if it's bullets and then paragraphs. Also, consider just completely blanking out sections below. They don't appear as blank, they just don't show up. It can make the profile stronger when there's less there, but what's there is dense. Overall, this is pretty good.
posted by zeek321 at 9:57 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by zeek321 at 9:57 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm gonna disagree here. You come off as quite pretentious. You are trying so hard to be wacky it makes you seem less than authentic. I can see someone spending hours on this write-up, trying to make it just so. You seem like a fun guy who would be exhausting because every damn thing is a quirk.
I see a lot of good stuff here, good qualities, but sometimes it's okay to just say things, not every word needs to be devoted to how quirky you are. I wouldn't make any big changes, just tone it down so your readers don't feel like you are trying so hard to put on a show.
posted by Aranquis at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
I see a lot of good stuff here, good qualities, but sometimes it's okay to just say things, not every word needs to be devoted to how quirky you are. I wouldn't make any big changes, just tone it down so your readers don't feel like you are trying so hard to put on a show.
posted by Aranquis at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Guy here, with several successful okcupid relationships in my past.
(My point being, in retrospect, the ladies typically message me, not the other way around. Hope the above helps.)
posted by zeek321 at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
(My point being, in retrospect, the ladies typically message me, not the other way around. Hope the above helps.)
posted by zeek321 at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with the consensus for including more/better quality photos and taking out the "coin flip" sentence.
Overall, I really liked your profile, and I feel like I had a pretty good sense of who you are and potential conversation starters after reading it. With that being said, I would recommend totally ditching those first three bullet points. You describe them as, "Three honest-to-goodness factlets that tell you more about me than any amount of boring, meandering, self-exploratory paragraphs," but I didn't find that to be the case at all. I'm sure all three of those things make for compelling stories, but that's the kind of information that's good for adding an additional layer of interest and nuance after I already have some idea of who you are. I also think it primes the reader to start categorizing you as trying too hard/affected/overly eccentric, which then makes someone more likely to view the rest of your profile through that filter.
Really, if you update the photos and ditched that first intro section, I think you're good to go.
(I'm a female, straight, in her 20s for what it's worth. Wrong continent though.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 10:02 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Overall, I really liked your profile, and I feel like I had a pretty good sense of who you are and potential conversation starters after reading it. With that being said, I would recommend totally ditching those first three bullet points. You describe them as, "Three honest-to-goodness factlets that tell you more about me than any amount of boring, meandering, self-exploratory paragraphs," but I didn't find that to be the case at all. I'm sure all three of those things make for compelling stories, but that's the kind of information that's good for adding an additional layer of interest and nuance after I already have some idea of who you are. I also think it primes the reader to start categorizing you as trying too hard/affected/overly eccentric, which then makes someone more likely to view the rest of your profile through that filter.
Really, if you update the photos and ditched that first intro section, I think you're good to go.
(I'm a female, straight, in her 20s for what it's worth. Wrong continent though.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 10:02 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
25-year-old okcupid woman here (hence your target audience?):
Overall I think your profile is very personal and informative, providing anyone interested with a lot of conversation points should they want to start one.. I would agree with a couple things others have said: I don't really like your first factlet. It sounds humble-braggy (and if you are going to brag, why not just say the comedian's name? It's less affected that way).
Your write up sounds fine, is a bit vague--why ponies? Social justice for what cause? I disagree. If anything, go more vague. Less is more and you are simply trying to pique people's interest, not tell them all your good stories at once.
I wouldn't sweat it, too much. Looks good!
posted by la_rousse at 10:06 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Overall I think your profile is very personal and informative, providing anyone interested with a lot of conversation points should they want to start one.. I would agree with a couple things others have said: I don't really like your first factlet. It sounds humble-braggy (and if you are going to brag, why not just say the comedian's name? It's less affected that way).
Your write up sounds fine, is a bit vague--why ponies? Social justice for what cause? I disagree. If anything, go more vague. Less is more and you are simply trying to pique people's interest, not tell them all your good stories at once.
I wouldn't sweat it, too much. Looks good!
posted by la_rousse at 10:06 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your introduction is just terrible -- you did stand-up once and gave up, ran for office unseriously and lost, and had a run-in with the cops, and you like to talk social justice in a context where you clearly aren't doing anything about it, and you are a bookish extrovert (which is confusing at first, and then as you explain it is what essentially everyone on OKC is).
Try this exercise. Think of as many women you know well whom you regard as attractive who are in relationships. What were your first impressions of their boyfriends, and what were some central tendencies in those first impressions? That set is what you want to evoke with your profile.
posted by MattD at 10:09 AM on March 9, 2014 [9 favorites]
Try this exercise. Think of as many women you know well whom you regard as attractive who are in relationships. What were your first impressions of their boyfriends, and what were some central tendencies in those first impressions? That set is what you want to evoke with your profile.
posted by MattD at 10:09 AM on March 9, 2014 [9 favorites]
I like your intro but I do think the headings and bulletpoints make it try-hard. You seem very . . . intense? I don't know if that is the right word, but for me personally it comes across as "Whoa, too much!" But I know LOTS of women who would be all about it, so keep on doing your thing!
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:10 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:10 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think the mixed feedback you're getting indicates that you'd be right for some women and not for others. I didn't see anything wrong with your profile. I think you're super-cute, like a young John Lennon; I love your list of books and your dry humor, and relate to your Leftist politics. If you found a younger, British version of me she'd probably fancy the hell out of you.
posted by xenophile at 10:14 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by xenophile at 10:14 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I like the suit pic and the last one. Don't sweat the comments re...a lot of things- if you are looking for a partner in the UK then that reads a lot differently for them than the American interpretations of your profile.
I did find the first bit confusing- "let me be brief" followed by "let me be meandering". But whatever, be who you are, dating is hard enough without having to perfectly package yourself...just be you!
posted by bquarters at 10:20 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I did find the first bit confusing- "let me be brief" followed by "let me be meandering". But whatever, be who you are, dating is hard enough without having to perfectly package yourself...just be you!
posted by bquarters at 10:20 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your profile says you are 5'10" but the first photo makes you look much shorter. Definitely kill the first photo. You need better photos in general. Your profile is too verbose and has too many parenthesis. Trim out 4/5 of each section. Try to consolidate each section into a zinger of a sentence which is wry but still gives up some pertinent information. First contact is often on a phone and nobody will slog through a long profile. Plus, the more you reveal about yourself, the less reason anyone has to bother meeting you in person. Short quips plus hot pics has worked the best for me.
posted by BabeTheBlueOX at 10:23 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BabeTheBlueOX at 10:23 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
'The "honest to goodness" part sounds self-indulgent and the "self-indulgent" stuff sounds more real.
My suggestion would be to move everything below "here's the meandering self-indulgent stuff" up to the top, and then if you want to keep the bulleted points, put them afterward, perhaps with a heading to the effect of, 'hey, here are some interesting things about me:'
For those bulleted facts, you might want to make it a little more clear where you're trying to go with those. The running for office one is okay, but I think the other two sound a little humble-brag-y (as others have pointed out). To mitigate that you could offer more detail. For example, pick one neat part about the standup gig that says something about you - right now all it says that you were near someone who might be famous. That doesn't really say anything about *you.* The French speaking one: more context, maybe frame it in terms of the outcome, and at least a hint of why it would have been bad if they did search the bus. (Or am I too naive and everyone in your demographic will know it's drugs? Also, is that a big part of your life, and thus a conclusion you are okay with people drawing?)
Also, I would take out or revise the part about the meaning of life and social justice. I think you can just leave it as "[...]long chats in independent coffee houses [...]" To me, it seems like you're trying too hard to sound deep. Everyone likes deep conversations so you don't lose a lot by leaving that out. If there's a specific example of social justice issues you're interested or something you've done with that cause, maybe mention it somewhere else.
I've not been on okcupid for awhile, do they do the bolding of keywords automatically? If not, I'd remove it - it looks contrived.
The picture of you in the suit is the best of them, IMO. And yeah, fewer pictures of you with dudes if you're trying to attract women. Are there pictures of you doing the things you mention in your profile? Those would be best.
Good luck in the dating jungle!
posted by AV at 10:30 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
My suggestion would be to move everything below "here's the meandering self-indulgent stuff" up to the top, and then if you want to keep the bulleted points, put them afterward, perhaps with a heading to the effect of, 'hey, here are some interesting things about me:'
For those bulleted facts, you might want to make it a little more clear where you're trying to go with those. The running for office one is okay, but I think the other two sound a little humble-brag-y (as others have pointed out). To mitigate that you could offer more detail. For example, pick one neat part about the standup gig that says something about you - right now all it says that you were near someone who might be famous. That doesn't really say anything about *you.* The French speaking one: more context, maybe frame it in terms of the outcome, and at least a hint of why it would have been bad if they did search the bus. (Or am I too naive and everyone in your demographic will know it's drugs? Also, is that a big part of your life, and thus a conclusion you are okay with people drawing?)
Also, I would take out or revise the part about the meaning of life and social justice. I think you can just leave it as "[...]long chats in independent coffee houses [...]" To me, it seems like you're trying too hard to sound deep. Everyone likes deep conversations so you don't lose a lot by leaving that out. If there's a specific example of social justice issues you're interested or something you've done with that cause, maybe mention it somewhere else.
I've not been on okcupid for awhile, do they do the bolding of keywords automatically? If not, I'd remove it - it looks contrived.
The picture of you in the suit is the best of them, IMO. And yeah, fewer pictures of you with dudes if you're trying to attract women. Are there pictures of you doing the things you mention in your profile? Those would be best.
Good luck in the dating jungle!
posted by AV at 10:30 AM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Too long! That's close to 1000 words - edit ruthlessly, 400 or less. Stick to stuff which conveys your very essence, leave the rest to talk about face to face. Get better photos, and if you're going to post pics with the "old hair" make sure you're doing something cool and youthful in them (playing in a band, jumping a bicycle, whatever). Be clear about your position on kids - "might want them" isn't going to make you popular with anyone. Good luck!
posted by dickasso at 10:46 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by dickasso at 10:46 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
You have so many parenthetical asides. It's exhausting to read and it feels pretentious and try-hard. If information is important enough to include, no need to wrap it in parentheses. Otherwise, cut it out!
posted by telegraph at 10:52 AM on March 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by telegraph at 10:52 AM on March 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would shorten that to
* Once performed stand up comedy.
* I ran for election for Liverpool City Council a couple of years ago.
Leave that third part out~ a story for another time.
Too wacky? No, there's lots of wacky chicks out there for you. But it's too clever by half.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 11:11 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
* Once performed stand up comedy.
* I ran for election for Liverpool City Council a couple of years ago.
Leave that third part out~ a story for another time.
Too wacky? No, there's lots of wacky chicks out there for you. But it's too clever by half.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 11:11 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm going to be honest here and say you're not my type at all (personality, not looks your pictures are mostly fine except the fact that I have no idea what your hair looks like), but your problem isn't that you're "too wacky," your problem is that you're trying very hard to come off as wacky and it reads fake and, quite frankly, annoying.
Take the intro: all it tells me is that you once did an amateur stand-up night where someone else was probably the loss leader (this might just be a personal-preference thing, but I find guys who do standup to be highly correlated to guys who aren't funny or particularly interesting and are totally convinced they are), you staged some unserious city council run, and you had the kind of language-barrier problems that everyone deals with (especially if you're already in Europe!) and that really aren't that amusing or unique. It only says one thing about you, but that comes through loud and clear, which is that you think you are far more interesting than you actually are. Granted, this is a side effect of the dating-profile format (99% of them read like this), plus the fact that most people aren't nearly as interesting as they think they are, but there you have it.
Elsewhere, nothing else says much either. You listen and you smile. Congratulations, you're a minimally functional human being. You have goals and ambitions and sometimes make lunch. That's... cool? You listen to podcasts. That's like saying you watch television shows. What podcasts? Evangelical Christian sermons? SEO marketing seminars? Erotic brony fanfiction readings? "Wacky" isn't the problem here at all. It's vagueness.
Also, a couple things that might turn some women off (take it or leave it as you will, and I'm not necessarily endorsing any of it, but it's useful feedback to have):
* This is stupid but your favorite books, music and movies sections either imply or outright state that you're not really into any of the above. "I don't read as much fiction as I used to," "I don't know much about [various vague/fusty genres]," "I have a long list of movies I haven't seen." It comes off as a person who doesn't really have any particular taste. Whether that's a problem or not is debatable -- I personally hate the reductionist Facebook-style "you like a book? I like a book!" "connection" that's encouraged by online dating tropes like this -- but lots of people might find it as a red flag. (I would.)
* It might be legit and it might be not but "freelance digital marketing" is going to code as "basically unemployed" to a lot of women. I sympathize, being in the same boat, but there it is.
* The mere mention of 4chan is probably going to be an automatic nope for a lot of people. Perez Hilton is probably going to nope out a lot of the people the former didn't. ("Perez Hilton meets 4chan" is pretty close to my idea of dystopian hell, but even so, it's worth mentioning.)
* A lot of writing-style bugaboos. "I cogitate" -- no, you think. Lots of Internet-meme talk that seems at odds with what you're going for. The bolding, which was mentioned above. All of these are little things that add up and are key factors in the "read profile, delete message" decision that probably gets made.
I'm sorry if any of this seemed harsh, but it's my honest opinion, I doubt I'm alone, and online dating tends to bring out people's most brutal weeding. (Which, again, is an online-dating problem, but it's one no one is going to solve, so best deal with it practically.)
posted by dekathelon at 11:22 AM on March 9, 2014 [18 favorites]
Take the intro: all it tells me is that you once did an amateur stand-up night where someone else was probably the loss leader (this might just be a personal-preference thing, but I find guys who do standup to be highly correlated to guys who aren't funny or particularly interesting and are totally convinced they are), you staged some unserious city council run, and you had the kind of language-barrier problems that everyone deals with (especially if you're already in Europe!) and that really aren't that amusing or unique. It only says one thing about you, but that comes through loud and clear, which is that you think you are far more interesting than you actually are. Granted, this is a side effect of the dating-profile format (99% of them read like this), plus the fact that most people aren't nearly as interesting as they think they are, but there you have it.
Elsewhere, nothing else says much either. You listen and you smile. Congratulations, you're a minimally functional human being. You have goals and ambitions and sometimes make lunch. That's... cool? You listen to podcasts. That's like saying you watch television shows. What podcasts? Evangelical Christian sermons? SEO marketing seminars? Erotic brony fanfiction readings? "Wacky" isn't the problem here at all. It's vagueness.
Also, a couple things that might turn some women off (take it or leave it as you will, and I'm not necessarily endorsing any of it, but it's useful feedback to have):
* This is stupid but your favorite books, music and movies sections either imply or outright state that you're not really into any of the above. "I don't read as much fiction as I used to," "I don't know much about [various vague/fusty genres]," "I have a long list of movies I haven't seen." It comes off as a person who doesn't really have any particular taste. Whether that's a problem or not is debatable -- I personally hate the reductionist Facebook-style "you like a book? I like a book!" "connection" that's encouraged by online dating tropes like this -- but lots of people might find it as a red flag. (I would.)
* It might be legit and it might be not but "freelance digital marketing" is going to code as "basically unemployed" to a lot of women. I sympathize, being in the same boat, but there it is.
* The mere mention of 4chan is probably going to be an automatic nope for a lot of people. Perez Hilton is probably going to nope out a lot of the people the former didn't. ("Perez Hilton meets 4chan" is pretty close to my idea of dystopian hell, but even so, it's worth mentioning.)
* A lot of writing-style bugaboos. "I cogitate" -- no, you think. Lots of Internet-meme talk that seems at odds with what you're going for. The bolding, which was mentioned above. All of these are little things that add up and are key factors in the "read profile, delete message" decision that probably gets made.
I'm sorry if any of this seemed harsh, but it's my honest opinion, I doubt I'm alone, and online dating tends to bring out people's most brutal weeding. (Which, again, is an online-dating problem, but it's one no one is going to solve, so best deal with it practically.)
posted by dekathelon at 11:22 AM on March 9, 2014 [18 favorites]
Well, I liked it quite a bit.
The main suggestion I have is the bit when you talk about messaging you if she would "fancy doing any of these things together somewhere down the line: laughter yoga, a creative writing class, jogging, Spanish lessons, going to an ice hockey game, skating, learning to play ukulele, attending a poetry reading, something fun and life-enriching you suggest."
Maybe it's just my style of relationship-ing, or maybe I'm having trouble putting myself in the mindset of a single person, but a lot of those feel like way too much togetherness and enmeshment. In my relationship, I go to the creative writing class while he goes jogging, and then we have dinner together and talk about our days. My thought was something like "we have to want to learn the same instrument now?" The "normal" one-off stuff got lost within these multi class series in large group environments like creative writing and ukelele learning. I'm basically like you, an outgoing introvert, and I was really feeling the lack of "discussing books or politics over some tea" on that list. I might not have even suggested it because you say you want it to be both fun and life enriching. The activities we do together have to be life-enriching now? We can't just go do our own preferred enrichment activities separately and have one another be our comfortable home base where we finally just relax?
posted by salvia at 11:31 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
The main suggestion I have is the bit when you talk about messaging you if she would "fancy doing any of these things together somewhere down the line: laughter yoga, a creative writing class, jogging, Spanish lessons, going to an ice hockey game, skating, learning to play ukulele, attending a poetry reading, something fun and life-enriching you suggest."
Maybe it's just my style of relationship-ing, or maybe I'm having trouble putting myself in the mindset of a single person, but a lot of those feel like way too much togetherness and enmeshment. In my relationship, I go to the creative writing class while he goes jogging, and then we have dinner together and talk about our days. My thought was something like "we have to want to learn the same instrument now?" The "normal" one-off stuff got lost within these multi class series in large group environments like creative writing and ukelele learning. I'm basically like you, an outgoing introvert, and I was really feeling the lack of "discussing books or politics over some tea" on that list. I might not have even suggested it because you say you want it to be both fun and life enriching. The activities we do together have to be life-enriching now? We can't just go do our own preferred enrichment activities separately and have one another be our comfortable home base where we finally just relax?
posted by salvia at 11:31 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh crap, I thought of one more (although this is more an issue for people seeking men than people seeking women): to a lot of people, "social justice" brings to mind a specific Tumblr-y connotation, which may or may not be what you want to present yourself as. Maybe it's exactly what you want to present yourself as! But just know that it's a loaded phrase.
posted by dekathelon at 11:33 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by dekathelon at 11:33 AM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
My feeling as a women within your age range is that you've got the "hooks" thing down but that the profile lacked a sense of who you are. Hooks are great but you have to get to the "I want to write this person" stage before they become really useful.
I would flip the bullet points and the "self indulgent stuff" because while the bullet points are interesting they come off as a bit too "I'm cool, I've travelled, and I have good stories" which is all great but doesn't give me any feeling of what you'd be like to hang out with or whether we our personalities would mesh. I would also consider not calling it "self indulgent stuff" because it's not self indulgent you're writing it for the person reading it.
I also think you should be more specific. I like the "My favourite thing in the world is to have long chats about the meaning of life (or debates about social justice and culture) in independent coffee shops that serve fancy single-origin brews." but I'd rewrite it to something like "My favourite thing in the world is to have long chats about (insert issue you care about here) and (another maybe less serious issue) in (coffee shop in specific neighbourhood) while drinking (insert type of single-origin brew you really like).
Give the person some less generic idea of who you are right off the bat that reflects what you like to do on a regular basis not just trivia fact-lets about cool stuff you've done. I also think you need to tell people what your adventure was and what your dream job would be. Overall though I liked your profile.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 11:48 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would flip the bullet points and the "self indulgent stuff" because while the bullet points are interesting they come off as a bit too "I'm cool, I've travelled, and I have good stories" which is all great but doesn't give me any feeling of what you'd be like to hang out with or whether we our personalities would mesh. I would also consider not calling it "self indulgent stuff" because it's not self indulgent you're writing it for the person reading it.
I also think you should be more specific. I like the "My favourite thing in the world is to have long chats about the meaning of life (or debates about social justice and culture) in independent coffee shops that serve fancy single-origin brews." but I'd rewrite it to something like "My favourite thing in the world is to have long chats about (insert issue you care about here) and (another maybe less serious issue) in (coffee shop in specific neighbourhood) while drinking (insert type of single-origin brew you really like).
Give the person some less generic idea of who you are right off the bat that reflects what you like to do on a regular basis not just trivia fact-lets about cool stuff you've done. I also think you need to tell people what your adventure was and what your dream job would be. Overall though I liked your profile.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 11:48 AM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm a guy and fairly oblivious sometimes. But I'm not at all sure I found much room for Her in your life. It seems busy and interesting, but where is a lady going to insert herself into all this? Maybe somehow open it up a little more to convey yes, I am interested in dating, and no, she doesn't have to be quite as cool and eccentric and varied as I am
posted by Jacen at 12:45 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 12:45 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your profile seems just fine to me.
On the subject of "wacky", here's the question you should be asking yourself. Does the wackiness level of the profile match the wackiness level of who you are in real life?
Is a woman who is looking for a freewheeling standup comedy electro dance band kind of guy going to be disappointed when she meets you and you are a pretty sedate dude who mostly just sits home on the weekends and listens to NPR?
Conversely, is the quiet Malcolm Gladwell reading Green Party member going to skip over your profile assuming you're an exhausting Manic Pixie extrovert?
Because both sides of that coin are present in your profile, and while it's tempting to pull out the most outrageous personal anecdotes to illustrate what a fun person you are, if that doesn't reflect who you are right now, it might not achieve the desired result.
posted by Sara C. at 2:13 PM on March 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
On the subject of "wacky", here's the question you should be asking yourself. Does the wackiness level of the profile match the wackiness level of who you are in real life?
Is a woman who is looking for a freewheeling standup comedy electro dance band kind of guy going to be disappointed when she meets you and you are a pretty sedate dude who mostly just sits home on the weekends and listens to NPR?
Conversely, is the quiet Malcolm Gladwell reading Green Party member going to skip over your profile assuming you're an exhausting Manic Pixie extrovert?
Because both sides of that coin are present in your profile, and while it's tempting to pull out the most outrageous personal anecdotes to illustrate what a fun person you are, if that doesn't reflect who you are right now, it might not achieve the desired result.
posted by Sara C. at 2:13 PM on March 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
I really like the quirkiness of the coin flip part, but its self deprecation conspicuously doesn't fit this context. I would replace it with "If you flip a coin and I win"
posted by Blasdelb at 3:55 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 3:55 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
"True or false?"
This reads to me as if you may be into tall tales enough that I have no idea if I've just wasted my time reading an entirely 'enhanced' profile with nothing really real on it. That you once ran for public office is pretty cool though and I'd keep that on there.
posted by Blasdelb at 3:59 PM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
This reads to me as if you may be into tall tales enough that I have no idea if I've just wasted my time reading an entirely 'enhanced' profile with nothing really real on it. That you once ran for public office is pretty cool though and I'd keep that on there.
posted by Blasdelb at 3:59 PM on March 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am female in your age range and I really like your profile. If I were looking, I would message you.
I don't think it comes off as pretentious or too quirky.
I agree that better photos would help. And I agree that the intro is the weakest part (it does sound a little bit like you are trying to make a thing about "I was in a band, I have been to France, and I know famous people".) Once I read further that was no big deal because the rest of the profile convinced me that you weren't arrogant or pretentious, but I guess some people might stop reading at that point, so I agree that it wouldn't hurt to revise that section.
posted by lollusc at 6:29 PM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't think it comes off as pretentious or too quirky.
I agree that better photos would help. And I agree that the intro is the weakest part (it does sound a little bit like you are trying to make a thing about "I was in a band, I have been to France, and I know famous people".) Once I read further that was no big deal because the rest of the profile convinced me that you weren't arrogant or pretentious, but I guess some people might stop reading at that point, so I agree that it wouldn't hurt to revise that section.
posted by lollusc at 6:29 PM on March 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think this is a 99% fine profile, though I will nth the recommendation that you deep-six "cogitate." I'm almost certainly not your type nor you mine, but I can easily extrapolate from your profile a) what kind of person you are and b) what kind of girl is probably going to email you.
One nitpicky thing: no boldface formatting unless it's a header, dude. Might be just a personal pet peeve, but random boldface accent words is what my boss does in email when developers are behind schedule. It is a little...action-itemy. Which is also really at odds with the vibe of your profile!
Good points:
* If I were looking (and in the UK) I would like that you're bringing specific ideas to the concept of date activities. It's great to have chill, drink-beers-and-talk style dates, but at the beginning an adventure or two is a way to take the pressure off. And as a prospective, I'd be glad that I didn't have to conjure up all the ideas myself.
* I LIKE that you don't pretend to know everything about everything. It takes balls to admit that you haven't seen all the Most Important Films or read all the Most Important Novels, but fucking hell, ain't NOBODY actually done that. What a relief, I won't have to pretend I've seen Bergman's entire oeuvre while I hide behind my Smithwick's.
* Your profile makes you seem like a person. A particular type of person, sure, who isn't maybe everyone's type of person, but a real one that someone could imagine pouring a cup of coffee or lazing around a flat with This American Life on.
Don't go changin! Except that boldface. Lord, change that boldface ;)
posted by like_a_friend at 7:43 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
One nitpicky thing: no boldface formatting unless it's a header, dude. Might be just a personal pet peeve, but random boldface accent words is what my boss does in email when developers are behind schedule. It is a little...action-itemy. Which is also really at odds with the vibe of your profile!
Good points:
* If I were looking (and in the UK) I would like that you're bringing specific ideas to the concept of date activities. It's great to have chill, drink-beers-and-talk style dates, but at the beginning an adventure or two is a way to take the pressure off. And as a prospective, I'd be glad that I didn't have to conjure up all the ideas myself.
* I LIKE that you don't pretend to know everything about everything. It takes balls to admit that you haven't seen all the Most Important Films or read all the Most Important Novels, but fucking hell, ain't NOBODY actually done that. What a relief, I won't have to pretend I've seen Bergman's entire oeuvre while I hide behind my Smithwick's.
* Your profile makes you seem like a person. A particular type of person, sure, who isn't maybe everyone's type of person, but a real one that someone could imagine pouring a cup of coffee or lazing around a flat with This American Life on.
Don't go changin! Except that boldface. Lord, change that boldface ;)
posted by like_a_friend at 7:43 PM on March 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
If this is who you are, please keep your (written) profile this way! My impression is that a lot of people here want you to make your profile more generic. But the way it is does give a good indication of what you're like (assuming honesty) and it has loads of things begging for a response or further enquiry. I see nothing wrong with your profile and if I were still on okcupid I'd message you, or at least think about messaging you (but if I didn't it wouldn't be because of what you'd written). If you genericked it up I might not.
What this profile will do is help weed out the people you wouldn't want to date anyway. It sounds like you know yourself fairly well and you know who you'll get on with so why try to attract anyone else?
I do think you need more pictures though.
posted by Polychrome at 6:11 AM on March 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
What this profile will do is help weed out the people you wouldn't want to date anyway. It sounds like you know yourself fairly well and you know who you'll get on with so why try to attract anyone else?
I do think you need more pictures though.
posted by Polychrome at 6:11 AM on March 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all for the useful feedback! Confirmed some suspicions, made me realise some new things, and also in places made me feel good about myself :-)
I'm going to start editing now, but feel free to comment on whatever's there when you follow the link.
posted by Junebug79 at 7:20 AM on March 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm going to start editing now, but feel free to comment on whatever's there when you follow the link.
posted by Junebug79 at 7:20 AM on March 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Don't hate me but I really like the picture of you with long hair. Also, I think you have really cool and interesting interests, but something about the way you say "I am (this way)" and "I am (that way)" seems a little rigid, like you're the way you are and you like what you like and there's no room for growth.
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:47 AM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:47 AM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
One comment on your updates. You refer to quality sitcoms twice. To me that reads as "sitcoms I like" x "my taste is superior to those who have different tastes." The self deprecating bits like the part about The Onion work better.
posted by salvia at 10:25 AM on March 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:25 AM on March 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Well, to me, your new-and-improved profile hits all the targets. If I were a single lady from your area, I'd ask you out. Your profile now makes me want to watch all the classics we haven't watched together, and learn more about you.
I love the short hair and nicer shirts, btw. This is merely an opinion of course, but I think shorter hair and an actual shirt with buttons on a guy makes him look more serious. Serious guys who can also be enthusiastic and silly are a major turn on....so, um, like I said, that's an opinion. Well done on the edit.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:49 PM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
I love the short hair and nicer shirts, btw. This is merely an opinion of course, but I think shorter hair and an actual shirt with buttons on a guy makes him look more serious. Serious guys who can also be enthusiastic and silly are a major turn on....so, um, like I said, that's an opinion. Well done on the edit.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:49 PM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
NIce job on the edits! I think it's much improved now. Count me as another person in your demographic who would message you if I were in the same city.
posted by aka burlap at 8:51 PM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by aka burlap at 8:51 PM on March 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not in your target demographic but you are in mine and, barring that limitation, I'd totally message you based on your new profile.
There is one last thing I noticed though. You use the word 'silly' a few times, which is a diminutive, you might consider at least sprinkling 'playful' in there as a substitute.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:37 AM on March 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
There is one last thing I noticed though. You use the word 'silly' a few times, which is a diminutive, you might consider at least sprinkling 'playful' in there as a substitute.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:37 AM on March 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Your write up sounds fine, is a bit vague--why ponies? Social justice for what cause?
posted by Ideefixe at 9:06 AM on March 9, 2014 [5 favorites]