Morning Wood
October 18, 2005 8:52 AM   Subscribe

GuyFilter: How do you handle peeing with morning wood? No, seriously...

When you go to the bathroom in the morning and have an erection, what do you guys do?

I generally sit down to piss in the morning. As I walk to the bathroom and then after sitting, I push down against my boner which serves two purposes: 1) helps me go partially limp; and 2) helps me aim.

But after reading this comment on a men's health forum, I'm worried I'm actaully doing damage by using this technique.

So what other options are there, and does pushing down really stretch muscles that shouldn't be stretched?
posted by If I Had An Anus to Health & Fitness (47 answers total)

From what I can recall of health class, you get hard because of blood pooling in your penis, not because of a muscle. So I don't think you're causing damage with your technique. If you're really concerned, you could just piss in the shower.
posted by cmonkey at 8:59 AM on October 18, 2005

The sink. (You asked for options.)
posted by smackfu at 9:01 AM on October 18, 2005

Don't get all worked up over an anonymous posting in a message forum. You don't know what that guy's credentials are -- they're probably none. To the best of my knowledge, erections are not held aloft by muscles, they are caused by blood-engorged spongy tissue, so I really doubt this would have any negative effect. In any case, stretching muscles doesn't make them weaker.
posted by kindall at 9:02 AM on October 18, 2005

Pee in the shower.
posted by Rubber Soul at 9:02 AM on October 18, 2005

Go downstairs and drink a glass of OJ. The 2 minutes that it takes should result in a more usable dangle angle
posted by gaby at 9:04 AM on October 18, 2005

Ah, the difference between hard and light.
posted by sagwalla at 9:05 AM on October 18, 2005

Tip the teapot.
posted by influx at 9:17 AM on October 18, 2005

Superman pose, forward hand against wall, so you're at an angle:

posted by Kickstart70 at 9:21 AM on October 18, 2005

Janet Reno
posted by UncleHornHead at 9:22 AM on October 18, 2005

If I have to pee really badly, I usually just hold it for thirty seconds or so. This usually isn't that hard, and results in enough mobility to pee without trouble.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 9:24 AM on October 18, 2005

Janet Reno
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:27 AM on October 18, 2005

The poster in the linked comment is probably referring to the penile suspensory ligament.

Although many erect penises point upwards (see illustration), it is common and normal for the erect penis to point nearly vertically upwards or nearly vertically downwards, depending on the tension of the suspensory ligament that holds it in position.
posted by jbrjake at 9:28 AM on October 18, 2005

I'm with Kickstart70 on the Superman pose (although I had never seen it described as such).
posted by goatdog at 9:29 AM on October 18, 2005

Do a couple push-ups.
posted by mullacc at 9:32 AM on October 18, 2005

hold it and make breakfast.
posted by rxrfrx at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2005

I don't think think there's any satisfactory remedy to this horrible affliction other than sharing the pain with a understanding community.

That, and waiting it out.
posted by xmutex at 9:43 AM on October 18, 2005

jbrjake, thanks, that helps explain things a bit.

Re: Superman pose...maybe it's a "penile suspensory ligament" thing, but I still don't see myself pointing the right direction. If I'm a particularly uppy-pointing kinda guy, maybe I could do with a little stretching (as a goggle search of the ligament shows releasing it may actually increase length).

Re: OJ or way. I'm talking about getting up and having to GO NOW! (yet being blocked).

Re: Janet Reno that might help if I combine it with the pushups.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:46 AM on October 18, 2005

Think about very old nuns.
posted by Scoo at 9:51 AM on October 18, 2005

What kickstart suggested. I use the one-handed stand back push-up pose. Put your feet far from the head, lean one arm against the wall and then you are pushing the angle less than when sitting.
posted by terrapin at 9:57 AM on October 18, 2005

Oh, I get it now. Interesting.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:59 AM on October 18, 2005

Stand in the bath and pee across the room in a high arc. Probably best to clear the dirty towels off the bathroom floor first though.
posted by bifter at 10:13 AM on October 18, 2005

Personally I am unconcerned with if my cock points straight up when hard so long as it continues to get hard, but your priorities may vary. Others commented on the shower and if you don't find it too skeevy you could always just stand next to it and piss into there. Once your flow starts you'll lose pressure fast and it'll be easier to aim.

Your co-habitants may be less happy with this solution but if you rinse it off afterwards they would be hard pressed to tell.
posted by phearlez at 10:27 AM on October 18, 2005

Wait ten years... you won't have to worry about wood.
posted by Marky at 10:35 AM on October 18, 2005

Either sitting down (like you), or in the shower, depending on whether the shower's in use or not.

Or, trot across the bedroom and pop it out the window (doesn't work if you live upstairs from a balcony, or if you have any kind of SO).
posted by 5MeoCMP at 10:40 AM on October 18, 2005

Pee in the shower.

Please do not ever do this.
posted by orange swan at 10:41 AM on October 18, 2005

Man, the worst is when you're gettin' ready to go with the wood and either the stream goes off at some crazy angle or splits off into two crazy angles.
Of course, if I sat down, there'd be no challenge. (My girlfriend will upbraid me for this and I'll have to clean the toilets tonight).
posted by klangklangston at 10:47 AM on October 18, 2005

100 situps or leg lifts. By the end of that, you'll be in too much pain or too thoroughly exerted to still have wood.
posted by alumshubby at 11:00 AM on October 18, 2005

I kneel on the floor.

Please do not ever do this.

Who let the girl in the thread?
posted by trevyn at 11:01 AM on October 18, 2005

iirc Morning wood is partially caused by the buildup of urine in the bladder which causes it to press against the prostate.

Janet Reno/Old nuns might work. Or you could rub one out first.

Why shouldn't guys urinate in the shower? We can aim, and I usually aim into the drain...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:42 AM on October 18, 2005

I want to know if there are serious issues with shower pissing, I almost made a post on that! It's a different type of wastewater, but does it differ that much in where it's going?
posted by mikeh at 11:43 AM on October 18, 2005

Actually, I follow the same method you follow, IIHAA. Please don't go peeing in the shower unless you like cleaning up afterwards.

As long as you're not bending your dick out of shape, I wouldn't worry too much about pressing gently while sitting on the toilet seat to get your aim right. It also helps in a situation that klangklangston describes above: splitting streams.

But be aware that I'm not a doctor (but neither is that dude in the forum.)
posted by madman at 11:51 AM on October 18, 2005

Take a long and leisurely walk to the end of the driveway to retrieve the paper, stopping occasionally to wave hello to neighbors and dog-walkers. By the time I get inside it's usually at a workable angle.
posted by Atom12 at 12:07 PM on October 18, 2005

The downside of Atom12's suggestion, of course, is a host of odd feelings towards you from you neighbours and, possibly, dogs.
posted by eurasian at 12:48 PM on October 18, 2005

Headstand. Watch your aim.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:51 PM on October 18, 2005

Please do not ever do this.

So a frothy stew of toejam, dingleberries, dead skin, smegma and sweat washed down the drain is A-OK, but a pint of sterile urine is a no-no. Just making sure I have the rules down.
posted by docpops at 12:57 PM on October 18, 2005

It's probably not caused by pooling, it probably caused by a spike in T level. These kind of spikes frequently occur in the early morning...
posted by ewkpates at 1:15 PM on October 18, 2005

Brush your teeth first. The pause ought to do it, if gazing upon your own lovely morning mug doesn't.
posted by sacre_bleu at 1:23 PM on October 18, 2005

sleep through the mornings, and start waking-up in the late afternoons. problem solved.
posted by naxosaxur at 1:38 PM on October 18, 2005

1. Tune into The Today Show.
2. Rub one out to Katie Couric.
3. Hit the john.
posted by gigawhat? at 2:01 PM on October 18, 2005

1. Tune into The Today Show.
2. Rub one out to Katie Couric.

I'd personally have to add 1.5 Press mute lest the horrendous nattering on that show kill any desire I had in me.
posted by phearlez at 3:29 PM on October 18, 2005

I can't piss with an erection because it hurts. It hurts while I'm pissing and for some minutes after. I'm going to assume this results from some quirk of my anatomy because nobody else mentioned anything about pain.
posted by TimeFactor at 4:59 PM on October 18, 2005

You mean I shouldn't be doing anything at an angle with my erection!!
You can always adopt a reverse kangaroo - but please omit the skid marks.
posted by tellurian at 7:14 PM on October 18, 2005

Okay - so, now I am stumped, and I'm afraid of googling the answers here at the office. What's a "reverse kangaroo" and what are "T levels" and why do they spike?
posted by Irontom at 6:16 AM on October 19, 2005

I find that if I just stand there and wait for it to go away it's gone within a minute since it's purely physical and there's no mental sexual stimulus to keep it there.

urbandictionary says re: reverse kangaroo, "an Australian term relating to a person using a toilet backwards, and leaving a resultant skidmark on the wrong side of the bowl."

I imagine T-levels just means testosterone levels, which vary throughout the day--they spike in the morning and are lowest at night. It's just part of the male hormonal cycle. As for why, I don't know... there's probably some evolutionary reason.
posted by Kosh at 6:22 AM on October 19, 2005

You mean do it the way Janet Reno does?
posted by joeclark at 12:48 PM on October 19, 2005

Wow, I thought I was the only one who did the superman pose.
posted by sirion at 11:14 PM on October 19, 2005

stand a yard back and arc it
posted by scarabic at 1:44 PM on December 4, 2005

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