I love it when you...don't do that.
February 14, 2014 3:41 PM   Subscribe

What is an effective way to speak to a new partner about bettering their ability to perform cunnilingus?

Having sex with a new partner. He's great! But really not great at oral sex, though he seems to be trying! I'm bad at teaching people how to do this well because of a combination of not wanting to hurt his feelings/offend him + my previous partners were already really good at it so I was too busy enjoying myself to notice exactly what they were doing that worked.

How do I bring this up? And then how do I offer tips when I don't know concretely what tips to offer? The rest of the advice on All Of The Internet is to masturbate, but hey I already do that and I'm not sure how what I do with my fingers correlates to what he is doing with his tongue.

Help! Anything helps! So far the only thing I can think is "please lick instead of sucking on that" but that doesn't seem very specific.
posted by anonymoosemoosemoose to Human Relations (19 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Ooh! That's not working for me. Please lick instead of sucking on that.

*He licks instead of sucking. It's still not working.*

So...could you indulge me for a sec? I'd love it if you could try a few different, um, methods. Let's see which one I like the best.

*He tries a few different methods. You give unequivocal positive feedback when it works.*

posted by mynameisluka at 3:46 PM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm at work, so I can't search for this right now, but I've seen on the internets a video that was basically porn stars teaching how to give cunnilingus. It was more informative, and less like a porn video, and they seemed to be big name porn stars. Ron Jeremy was there, as were a bunch of others (men and women) and I seem to remember it had a fairly crude name (How to eat pussy? Something like that...) So, maybe find that or something like that and ask him to watch it (with or without you, however you roll) and tell him what in it turns you on.
posted by Weeping_angel at 3:48 PM on February 14, 2014

Thinking about this logically...assuming he's not just always doing one thing, just let him know (moan and groan or tell him "OMG that feels great") when he does the right thing, and don't react when he does the wrong thing. I think he'll figure it out pretty quickly that way!
posted by Dansaman at 3:49 PM on February 14, 2014

Maybe send him this old Sam Kinnison bit.
posted by Sophont at 3:56 PM on February 14, 2014

Say, "You know what really gets me off? When you [do X]."

When he does [X], make sure he knows that you like it (if you do). He'll be sure to do [X] again, with positive reinforcement.
posted by xingcat at 4:00 PM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

my previous partners were already really good

Reframe how you are thinking about this. Your previous partners happened to already know and like to use cunnilingus techniques that were really great for you, but your new partner is using different techniques (that their past partners might have thought were really good!).

You don't know specifically what techniques you liked -- in a way, they are new to you! Explore together and find what works for you.

If you have a babeland-ish sort of boutique sex shop near you, they might have classes. I took one of these and it was very educational. There was no nudity, but there were mangos.
posted by yohko at 4:44 PM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm at work, so I can't search for this right now, but I've seen on the internets a video that was basically porn stars teaching how to give cunnilingus.

I'd seen a link on some sex-positive tumblr a while back to Nina Hartley's part in it.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:48 PM on February 14, 2014 [4 favorites]

It's maybe good that you don't know exactly what you like, because you can frame it as wanting to try a bunch of things as an experiment, rather than instructing him about what he's doing right and wrong.

If I were you, next time before he starts, say that you want to experiment a bit more and find out what feels best when he's giving you oral, so can he mix it up a bit, and try as many different things as he can think of for like 20 seconds each, and you'll tell him which feel awesome.
posted by lollusc at 5:13 PM on February 14, 2014

Give him She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Then practice, practice, practice!
posted by Floydd at 5:18 PM on February 14, 2014 [2 favorites]

Sometimes even when both partners have the best of intentions, issues tied to a partner's technique (or lack thereof) can be very difficult to correct.

I'm a dude, and I have an identical issue with my wife's fellatio technique*. I've tried all of the suggestions given above (short of showing her a video about how to give BJs, which I know would not go over well with her), and this is still an unresolved issue between us. And we've been very happily married for 20+ years, with a sex life that's otherwise awesome (!!) and frequent, despite two kids.

Sometimes, no amount of positive reinforcement, coaching, or even IKEA-level instruction is going to change the way someone acts when they close their eyes and go to town. Not everyone is coachable in every situation, and sometimes people do things a certain way because they like doing it that way, and damn the consequences. I hope this is not the OP's situation, but know that even GGG adults can have blind spots and gaps in their ability to follow simple instructions/requests. Sigh...

* I know, some men would kill to be in a position to even complain about a partner's fellatio technique. This fact is not lost on me.
posted by plowhand at 5:21 PM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

Maybe watch videos where the performers are actually good at it? Viv Thomas and the Reality Kings' "We Live Together" series are pretty good for this. The plus side is it's more authentic, and the performers are not "enhanced."

A potential negative is that these are girl-girl movies. It's also porn.

Nina Hartley's "How To Eat Pussy" video is pretty instructional too. The techniques seem to work.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:37 PM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

In my experience, different women like different things in cunnilingus. More generally, different people like different things in sex. Most generally, different people like different things. My point is, he may not be bad at cunnilingus per se; rather, he's just not doing the things that you like. You're going to have to teach him.

To the extent that you know what you like, tell him what you like. Ideally, do this before he starts eating you out. Foreplay is usually a good time for this, when you're still just sort of fooling around and making sexy talk.

Give positive reinforcement. When he does something that works for you, make it obvious. You can be explicit ("Fuck yes, more of that!") or just amp up your response to his actions whenever he's scratching your itch just right.

Give him some directions while he's down there. It's probably best not to do this too much or in too detailed a way – unless he really likes being ordered around that's likely to kill the mood a bit – but things like "harder!", "faster!", "lower!", and "bite it!" can work well.

Consider setting up an experimentation session. Specifically tell him that you want to try out different cunnilingus techniques with him, to see if the two of you can find some extra good ways of getting you off. Don't frame it as teaching him to be better at cunnilingus; frame it as the two of you working together to find some new tricks. Might be a good idea to make it a reciprocal thing – even if you're really good at giving him head, there's no reason you can't both have some fun trying to make it even better. Then you can give more specific directions, and he can feel more free to experiment with different techniques. It's possible that he's built up a repertoire over the years that's served him well in the past but which isn't working for you, and that might help him get out of that groove (pun intended).
posted by Scientist at 8:07 PM on February 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

moan when you like what he's doing, say "ow" when you don't
posted by Jacqueline at 9:19 PM on February 14, 2014

Arrrgh. There was a really, *really*, REALLY good article/instruction on the web a while back, and I still can't find it. Just reading it was a turn-on, it was that make-me-melt hot.

You know how some people have just one celebrity crush they'd drop everything to be with? For me, it's nobody famous, just the guy who wrote it, because he'd have to be incredible.

I've been re-looking for it for a while now (want to share it with the guy I'm with now) and can't find it... anyone who can scrounge up a link would have my undying devotion.
posted by stormyteal at 10:35 PM on February 14, 2014

Hold his head still with both your hands and grind against his lips or flattened tongue. That's for communicating pace and pressure. Then make him watch up close and imitate your fingers as you get yourself off. That's for communicating location and direction.
posted by ead at 11:52 PM on February 14, 2014

The best line I ever read about cunnilingus (and think it maybe applies for fellatio) is variety in the beginning, consistency in the end.

Maybe 'model' behaviour a bit?? "Do you like x/y/z? Would you prefer it if I....? Can you let me know if I...?" Perhaps he might pick up a few ideas for checking things out... though a tad hard to ask with a mouth full of woman.

Else how about a little "just that amount of pressure../just a little less etc.. slightly to the left.. mm yes yes yes.. please stay just there"... that is a bit too intense.. that is just how I like it.. you're very good at that..
posted by tanktop at 2:24 AM on February 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

Propose a fun game of Follow The Leader:
while doing 69, he needs to repeat on your parts (as well as possible what with your parts differing from his) what you are doing on his. If something works extra-well, be sure to let him know. Take turns being the Leader.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:22 AM on February 15, 2014

you can always show him this vice magazine how to article.
posted by zdravo at 4:11 PM on February 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's best to keep in mind that you both (likely) have the same goal: your pleasure. Helping him help you achieve that goal is totally win/win.

After a lengthy marriage (and pretty good sex life), I'm now divorced and seeing someone new. What worked on my ex-wife doesn't work as well on my girlfriend. She couched it by asking me "Do you know what really gets me off?", which made me ready for the feedback.

If he's trying like you say he is, it's likely he'll welcome the help. And, you can also ask him if there's anything he'd like you to do differently which will also be win/win.
posted by Twicketface at 5:08 PM on February 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

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