Did I get rejected by her?
February 13, 2014 5:45 AM   Subscribe

Hi I asked a girl out for valentines day for the first time by text (I would have done face to face but there's like a lot of snow where I am and I have midterms and stuff so I was very busy) but she said that she was thankful that I asked her out but she feels burdened because valentines day is supposed to be with someone special. She asked me if it was ok to see in the weekend. As I asked before on this website, the girl is a friend that I would like to be my girlfriend. Last time we had lunch together, I felt that she liked me but I wasn't too sure haha. I don't know if she still likes me or not after reading her text. I'm not sure if she wants to meet in the weekend because she feels sorry for me. What do you guys think?
posted by soul24rage to Human Relations (24 answers total)
Valentines Day for a first date is pretty intense. I'd take her at her word and ask her sometime else.
posted by geegollygosh at 5:48 AM on February 13, 2014 [41 favorites]

Valentine's Day suggests romance.. and she might not be ready for romance with you yet. Take her at her suggestion, and see if she'll go out with you on Saturday or Sunday.
posted by royalsong at 5:49 AM on February 13, 2014

Go out on the weekend and make sure she knows it's a date. Call her and ask her (text is NOT the right thing for this) and say, "I get what you're saying about Valentines Day, so let's do our date on Saturday."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:50 AM on February 13, 2014 [55 favorites]

I am with Ruthless Bunny. Go out on the weekend and find out directly.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:54 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ruthless Bunny has this right on. Put on your Big Boy Pants and CALL HER and ask her out on a DATE for this weekend. Her answer will let you know everything you need to know.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:55 AM on February 13, 2014 [6 favorites]

Also, here is a thing I learned late in life: many people, unlike me, don't develop huge crushes on people before going out with them so that they go into the relationship with a lot of feelings already. They just start dating someone who they like all right and then see where it goes. It's quite possible that this girl is all "I don't want to jump into a Giant Romance but I like this guy enough to go on a couple of dates and see what happens". I think it's much more reassuring to envision things as "everyone already has made up their minds by the time the first date happens" but that isn't how it works, especially among adults. On the other hand, this is good for you in this situation, since you haven't been rejected!
posted by Frowner at 6:16 AM on February 13, 2014 [23 favorites]

Valentine's Day is pretty serious for a first date. I think her decision to turn down that suggestion is understandable, and doesn't tell you whether she is rejecting the idea of dating you. I don't know whether she is romantically interested in you, but her suggestion of seeing you this weekend indicates she may be open to the possibility of romance with you. So, follow up on her suggestion and ask her on a date. As others have said, use the word "date" so there is no confusion.
posted by Area Man at 6:30 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think based on the information you've given, and on my own experience with polite rejection, she doesn't want to date you but is happy to be friends. You could ask more explicitly if you want to, though, as others have suggested.
posted by mlle valentine at 6:35 AM on February 13, 2014 [5 favorites]

It sounds to me like you were sent to the Friend-Zone.
That said, I would still go out with her on Saturday, and be specific. Make it clear you want more than friends, and then graciously accept whatever she says in response.
posted by Flood at 6:42 AM on February 13, 2014

Believe what she told you - a date on Valentine's Day surrounds what should be a relaxed exploration of possibility for you both with a ton of expectation and intensity and assumptions by others that are all probably not warranted at this stage. Tell her you'd be delighted to get together on the weekend, and make sure it is clear your interest is romantic.
posted by Miko at 6:51 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Maybe she is interested enough to go on a date with you to see how it goes. That's a far cry from wanting to immediately be boyfriend/girlfriend, which a date on valentines day tends to suggest. Maybe a date is just a date for her, and your expectations are too high or intense.

Or, maybe she just wants to be friends. Try to hang out over the weekend and see what happens.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:52 AM on February 13, 2014

It sounds to me like you were sent to the Friend-Zone.

That term is so loaded with MRA / PUA bullshit that I really wouldn't ever use it.

OP: I suggest you take her at her word. She doesn't want to go out on Valentine's day, because it puts the date under a "romantic" cloud that she doesn't feel comfortable with at the moment. She's left the door open for you to ask her out on a date another time, so do that. If she says yes, then yay, if not, then not.
posted by pharm at 6:52 AM on February 13, 2014 [37 favorites]

Congratulations on taking the risk, I know that can be scary. It sounds like you and she are young. Take her at her word when she says "She asked me if it was ok to see in the weekend". She might be interested but wants to take some time. It's good to ask, hell it's the only way dates ever happen.

I would watch for this though; some people [both women and men] don't want to hurt your feelings when you ask them out [though it sounds like you were fairly clear and she understood with it being Valentines day an all] and so will say yes to something else in order to not hurt your feelings.

If she contacts you without you contacting her first that is a good sign she is interested. If she isn't interested in a romantic relationship you might still find a friend.

Just be honest and respectful.

posted by vapidave at 6:58 AM on February 13, 2014

Did you ask "want to go out on Friday?" or did you ask "want to go out on Valentines Day?". If you specified the holiday, you could also be seen as coming on too strong. If so, the fact that she agreed to go out at all could then be seen as a really good sign - that she's willing to give you a chance but needs to see if you can handle a bit of preliminary (healthy) arm's length.

If you didn't specify the holiday but she immediately went there and said no because of it, it could mean she just wants you as a friend - or it could be that she has associations with the holiday (or maybe a recent breakup) and is asking for a bit of space for herself.

Only way to know is to ask.
posted by Mchelly at 7:31 AM on February 13, 2014

I'd take her at her word. From what you've said she sounds interested but undecided and is probably interested in a few more low pressure dates to try you on for size so to speak. To me it's good that she said no to a date on Valentine's day as it sounds like she is a together person who will make what she thinks clear and that is great in a relationship. Take her at her word, ring her, ask her out, make sure to use the word date, her response should let you know where you stand.
posted by wwax at 7:43 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Valentines day is loaded with implications, both broad social implications, and whatever you personally bring to it. Do you have intentions for a date on Valentines day? Does she think you do? Are you more serious about her because you want your first date to be on Valentines Day? What if it all falls apart? Then you had a bad first date on Valentines Day, and as a result, you are even more alone than before, when you had the possibility of having a relationship build in the future.

In short, what most everyone else is saying in here - call her, ask her on a date for the weekend, and stop thinking about Valentines Day.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:18 AM on February 13, 2014

Valentines Day is a terrible day for a first date! Even if you try to not put romantic expectations on it yourself, the whole atmosphere would lend a lot of pressure and awkwardness to a first date. For instance, restaurants often do things a bit differently for the holiday, plus they are crowded with established couples.

Ask her out (on a DATE) for later on in the weekend, and you'll probably have a much less awkward first date!

I'm not sure if she wants to meet in the weekend because she feels sorry for me

I imagine that she probably has lots of other things to be doing with her life besides going on pity dates with people she doesn't like. So, if she wants to meet with you she probably enjoys your company, whether or not she wants to go on a date with you.
posted by yohko at 8:25 AM on February 13, 2014 [4 favorites]

the girl is a friend that I would like to be my girlfriend

Some girls are really specifically not into this - the fork in the road is very early on in your knowing each other, and you either go down the friend fork or the boyfriend fork and you almost never get to (and certainly should not expect the right to) change forks.

This is why everyone is telling you to be explicit with her about whether you are asking her on a date or a friendly outing. Do not ask her to join you in another ambiguous outing just because you think that merely being in her presence is somehow preferable to finding out how she actually feels about you and the possibility of dating you. The answer to that question already exists; refusing to find it out is like knowing the doctor has your test results but refusing to go in to talk about them. You still have cancer even if you haven't had the conversation.

You've already had one ambiguous outing that did not result in sparkage and follow-up dating, and if her response was really "let's see/maybe this weekend"...she's probably not especially interested in dating you though she may be interested in being friends.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:25 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

you're way overthinking this. shovel the snow, study for the midterms and dial down the girl. if she likes you, the distance will make you seem more attractive and she will make some effort to bridge it.
posted by bruce at 8:42 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Adding to the chorus saying to take here at her word: heck, I feel weird going out on Valentine's Day with my HUSBAND because of all the societal expectations surrounding it! (We celebrate National Cheap Candy Day instead.)
posted by telophase at 9:47 AM on February 13, 2014

She asked me if it was ok to see in the weekend.

You are doing ok here: a concrete alternative without much delay. If she was blowing you off she wouldn't have said this, or would have suggested you meet "some other time".

But like everybody says, it looks like there is potential for confusion here: make sure you let her know this is a date.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:14 AM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Anything you spend more than 10 seconds wondering about someone else (that is any of your damned business) is something you should just ask them about rather than playing what-if in your head.

As others said above, you got a firm "x instead" which is not a rejection. Yay for you. So take her up on that offer and simply say "you know I mean this as a date, right?"

She may say nuh-uh, not interested that way. She may say super. She may, reasonably, ask "what exactly does that mean?"

Do you know? I mean that seriously. Some people like their romance very structured, things are dates, you have to plan/schedule them in advance, they mean a path towards physical intimacy and maybe partnering up exclusively. Other people may just want to hang and see where it goes.

I see a lot of complaining from my single friends in their 20s-30s that nobody wants to Really Date. Might be this person doesn't want to commit to a compartment up front, so you should be prepared to know if that's a problem for you. But don't make it into a big-ass mystery - just ASK. And if that's a deal-breaker for you, JUST SAY SO.
posted by phearlez at 2:19 PM on February 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm going to go a little against the grain here...my guess would be that she's not interested romantically. Of course, you won't know until you ask, but I would be prepared for the idea that she just wants to be friends.
posted by three_red_balloons at 2:51 PM on February 13, 2014

What did she write, exactly (not your summary of it)? It would be easier for us to figure it out if we had her wording instead of her words through your filter.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:10 PM on February 13, 2014

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