how can i be less dependent on my SO for happiness?
January 8, 2014 1:34 AM Subscribe
i find myself investing too much of my time in analyzing relatively minor problems in my long-term relationship, and wish that i could redirect those energies into other interests.
not sure if this is helpful or not, but i'm an INFP and 4w5 enneagram, both of which i've found to be very accurate in describing my strengths, fears, and general motivations... but not especially helpful in terms of addressing weaknesses. i am a creative person who seems to be perpetually restless, self-conscious, and generally depressed and insecure about a lack of meaning and significance in my life.
currently, the problem that i see is that my SO is pretty much the most important figure in my life, and i spend too much time ruminating on any perceived issues that i inevitably find. i am still struggling to find my place in life, and for the next couple of months, have a bit more free time on my hands than i would like, and lots of plans for how i would like to use it... but an apparent inability to do anything when i am feeling emotional. one of my biggest weaknesses is focusing too much on fleeting thoughts or emotions and letting them dominate my ability to live fully and presently.
i am not opposed to counseling or therapy, but find myself hesitant to spend the money, and also doubtful that it could provide anything more helpful than creative outlets, which make me the happiest. i have also attended several volunteer orientations in the hopes of finding a way to put the focus on others instead of my own thoughts and feelings, but have been disappointed in the sorts of tasks that are most needed at the places i want to volunteer... administrative work, etc., when i would rather be interacting with people, i think. (i'm very introverted, but one of the most rewarding volunteer experiences i had in college involved spending one-on-one time with patients in a psychiatric hospital.)
i go through periods of feeling very creative and eager to work on music, art projects, writing, and so forth, and then periods of complete lethargy, where it's a struggle not to oversleep and worry or ruminate for hours on end. i am trying to eat more healthily and exercise more, which seems to temporarily improve my self-esteem, and i am also trying to ignore whether or not i am actually in the "mood" to do something... and to just force myself to do whatever it is anyway, since doing things almost always makes me feel better than just thinking about doing them.
regardless, large chunks of time are spent worrying and thinking about problems rather than being productive, and i feel that it is also creating problems in places where there aren't actually any. i am feeling increasingly dependent on my SO for attention and affection, and increasingly disappointed when he is unavailable. he does his best to make me feel welcome always, but i know it's frustrating for me to always feel like something is slightly off or missing. i also know that i'll never be able to accurately judge the health and potential of my relationship without first sorting out my own life, if that makes any sense.
any advice?
not sure if this is helpful or not, but i'm an INFP and 4w5 enneagram, both of which i've found to be very accurate in describing my strengths, fears, and general motivations... but not especially helpful in terms of addressing weaknesses. i am a creative person who seems to be perpetually restless, self-conscious, and generally depressed and insecure about a lack of meaning and significance in my life.
currently, the problem that i see is that my SO is pretty much the most important figure in my life, and i spend too much time ruminating on any perceived issues that i inevitably find. i am still struggling to find my place in life, and for the next couple of months, have a bit more free time on my hands than i would like, and lots of plans for how i would like to use it... but an apparent inability to do anything when i am feeling emotional. one of my biggest weaknesses is focusing too much on fleeting thoughts or emotions and letting them dominate my ability to live fully and presently.
i am not opposed to counseling or therapy, but find myself hesitant to spend the money, and also doubtful that it could provide anything more helpful than creative outlets, which make me the happiest. i have also attended several volunteer orientations in the hopes of finding a way to put the focus on others instead of my own thoughts and feelings, but have been disappointed in the sorts of tasks that are most needed at the places i want to volunteer... administrative work, etc., when i would rather be interacting with people, i think. (i'm very introverted, but one of the most rewarding volunteer experiences i had in college involved spending one-on-one time with patients in a psychiatric hospital.)
i go through periods of feeling very creative and eager to work on music, art projects, writing, and so forth, and then periods of complete lethargy, where it's a struggle not to oversleep and worry or ruminate for hours on end. i am trying to eat more healthily and exercise more, which seems to temporarily improve my self-esteem, and i am also trying to ignore whether or not i am actually in the "mood" to do something... and to just force myself to do whatever it is anyway, since doing things almost always makes me feel better than just thinking about doing them.
regardless, large chunks of time are spent worrying and thinking about problems rather than being productive, and i feel that it is also creating problems in places where there aren't actually any. i am feeling increasingly dependent on my SO for attention and affection, and increasingly disappointed when he is unavailable. he does his best to make me feel welcome always, but i know it's frustrating for me to always feel like something is slightly off or missing. i also know that i'll never be able to accurately judge the health and potential of my relationship without first sorting out my own life, if that makes any sense.
any advice?
You're looking at the volunteering as a thing to help you, rather than a mutual act of service. You're stuck in your head thinking about things as they affect you, and not practicing looking at other people and the world. Switching focus and spending time on helping people in generosity (not expecting a benefit to yourself, except for the satisfaction of seeing something else improved) would probably be a bigger boost to your life than feel-good volunteering that has no real benefit to the organisation.
The gratitude journal is a good idea too. Meditation/prayer is very helpful, but it sounds like you need to join an organized group to provide the structure for you to make this a habit.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
The gratitude journal is a good idea too. Meditation/prayer is very helpful, but it sounds like you need to join an organized group to provide the structure for you to make this a habit.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I exactly like you! My SO has been making up too large a piece in the misspony pie. I tend to want more reassurance than he is able to give and it becomes an issue. 2 months ago I had the epiphany that being needy like that upset the balance of power between us and made me really vulnerable.
Here is what I have been doing:
- specifically NOT asking for reassurance. Catching myself about to ask for it and then NOT asking for it. Just shutting my mouth. If its coming from a loving and happy place then I will say what I want- but if I'm asking because of my own insecurity then I STFU. (I do this most of the time, it becomes more difficult if I'm on my period)
-Imagining the life that I want FOR ME and ME ALONE. What does the life that misspony wants look like? What kind of house do I want? what does it look like? where is it? In my ideal life, how do I spend my time? What are my hobbies? How often do I go out? What do I do? How much friend time do I have?
The reality is that I need to be Misspony and when I spend too much time trying to make sure that all is well, then I end up trying to fit my life around him, and that just doesn't feel good and is totally counter productive- because Mr Pony finds me more attractive when I am self confident....
And through thinking about what I want in life, I get a better idea of who I really am, and I realise that I don't need him to be happy. And no healthy relationship requires that one partner be responsible for another's happiness.
-Ruminating on negative thoughts- I am trying to use meditation and just accept that I am fine and normal. I could use more work on this.
-Eating healthy, rest and exercise... and doing other things that make me feel confident... the more confident I am, the happier I am and things feel a lot easier.
Good luck!
posted by misspony at 4:50 AM on January 8, 2014 [20 favorites]
Here is what I have been doing:
- specifically NOT asking for reassurance. Catching myself about to ask for it and then NOT asking for it. Just shutting my mouth. If its coming from a loving and happy place then I will say what I want- but if I'm asking because of my own insecurity then I STFU. (I do this most of the time, it becomes more difficult if I'm on my period)
-Imagining the life that I want FOR ME and ME ALONE. What does the life that misspony wants look like? What kind of house do I want? what does it look like? where is it? In my ideal life, how do I spend my time? What are my hobbies? How often do I go out? What do I do? How much friend time do I have?
The reality is that I need to be Misspony and when I spend too much time trying to make sure that all is well, then I end up trying to fit my life around him, and that just doesn't feel good and is totally counter productive- because Mr Pony finds me more attractive when I am self confident....
And through thinking about what I want in life, I get a better idea of who I really am, and I realise that I don't need him to be happy. And no healthy relationship requires that one partner be responsible for another's happiness.
-Ruminating on negative thoughts- I am trying to use meditation and just accept that I am fine and normal. I could use more work on this.
-Eating healthy, rest and exercise... and doing other things that make me feel confident... the more confident I am, the happier I am and things feel a lot easier.
Good luck!
posted by misspony at 4:50 AM on January 8, 2014 [20 favorites]
Get more people in your life. Spread the love around. It's a heavy burden to be someone's everything. If you find yourself open to more adventures and experiences with other friends, then you don't have to be thinking of your SO all the time.
So find a meetup group in your area that does something on a regular basis and do it. Book club, hiking group, pottery classes...whatever interests you. You'll make new friends and you'll get out of your own head.
posted by inturnaround at 5:39 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
So find a meetup group in your area that does something on a regular basis and do it. Book club, hiking group, pottery classes...whatever interests you. You'll make new friends and you'll get out of your own head.
posted by inturnaround at 5:39 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
perpetually restless, self-conscious, and generally depressed and insecure about a lack of meaning and significance in my life.
This is the issue. Ruminating over things with your SO, volunteering to fill your time, etc. are ways to avoid the issue. What you are doing is seeking external, dependent ways of filling your head when anxious. Therapy can help you find internal, independent ways of coping with anxiety. It can help you find that internal calm, a touchstone for yourself, so that your relationship with your SO is a bonus that you enjoy, and your volunteer work is rewarding no matter the task, because you are there to help others.
posted by headnsouth at 6:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is the issue. Ruminating over things with your SO, volunteering to fill your time, etc. are ways to avoid the issue. What you are doing is seeking external, dependent ways of filling your head when anxious. Therapy can help you find internal, independent ways of coping with anxiety. It can help you find that internal calm, a touchstone for yourself, so that your relationship with your SO is a bonus that you enjoy, and your volunteer work is rewarding no matter the task, because you are there to help others.
posted by headnsouth at 6:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I struggle with this too. I appreciate you asking the question and it will be helpful to see responses. I have found that if the relationship is generally in a good spot, I don't need to analyze everything. If I do that, than I know I'm either bored in life, feeling low self-esteem, need to expand my outside interests, or am transferring angst about something else onto the relationship.
My own efforts include trying to find activities that I do without my SO. We spend nearly all our free time together, and I think it would be better for me to have some time alone/away. I'm also trying to search myself when asked questions about what I want....whether it is choosing furniture, or where to have dinner. Simple stuff, but I find myself considering both of our interests before responding. My partner can respond. Then compromise begins, after.
posted by Kitty Cornered at 6:24 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
My own efforts include trying to find activities that I do without my SO. We spend nearly all our free time together, and I think it would be better for me to have some time alone/away. I'm also trying to search myself when asked questions about what I want....whether it is choosing furniture, or where to have dinner. Simple stuff, but I find myself considering both of our interests before responding. My partner can respond. Then compromise begins, after.
posted by Kitty Cornered at 6:24 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Seconding Kitty Cornered! One other thing that I TRY to do is make more choices. When SO asks what I would like to eat, watch, do... I will often say, "I don't mind, I'm flexible"... now I try to make a choice just for the hell of it once in a while... because I imagine that when people like us are feeling super dependent we will end up acting like non-people in an attempt to weirdly deserve the attention and approval we're seeking.
posted by misspony at 6:40 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by misspony at 6:40 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
This sounds familiar to me too. One thing that really helps me is to focus on doing things that will make me feel proud of myself because when I feel proud of myself, a lot of other things become possible. Going to the gym, trying new things, being a good friend and family member, getting places on time all make me feel proud of myself. What makes you feel proud of yourself?
Another thing that helps me is identifying things that I like that my partner does not. My partner doesn't like doing yoga or running but I do, so carving time out for those things makes me feel separate from my partner and I feel proud of myself for doing them.
Hope that helps. I deal with this myself and it's been rough over the past few weeks because he was sick and we were together a lot for the holidays. Something that's big for me is that I'm planning a volunteer trip soon that he's not coming on. That will be a big thing for me and I'm excited.
posted by kat518 at 7:18 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Another thing that helps me is identifying things that I like that my partner does not. My partner doesn't like doing yoga or running but I do, so carving time out for those things makes me feel separate from my partner and I feel proud of myself for doing them.
Hope that helps. I deal with this myself and it's been rough over the past few weeks because he was sick and we were together a lot for the holidays. Something that's big for me is that I'm planning a volunteer trip soon that he's not coming on. That will be a big thing for me and I'm excited.
posted by kat518 at 7:18 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I too have this problem, and in my case it comes from a history of codependence and unstable loved ones. I just fell into a pattern of feeling like if I wasn't NEEDED ALL THE TIME then I wasn't secure in the relationship. So, naturally I spent every minute analyzing and in a weird way almost feel better when something is "wrong" that I can fixate on.
Therapy certainly did help (years of it) but I sympathize about the cost. Maybe do some reading on codependent patterns and see if it speaks to your experience. If it does, maybe try a local Al-Anon group in your area. They are free and very welcoming and open, even if you don't have an alcoholic in your life per se, and focus a lot on exactly these types of problems.
Only you know if this is something that can be fixed by just having more hobbies of your own or whether there is a fundamental wiring issue in your brain that will need to be addressed for you to feel better, but I suspect it's more of the latter than the former. Good luck.
posted by annekate at 10:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Therapy certainly did help (years of it) but I sympathize about the cost. Maybe do some reading on codependent patterns and see if it speaks to your experience. If it does, maybe try a local Al-Anon group in your area. They are free and very welcoming and open, even if you don't have an alcoholic in your life per se, and focus a lot on exactly these types of problems.
Only you know if this is something that can be fixed by just having more hobbies of your own or whether there is a fundamental wiring issue in your brain that will need to be addressed for you to feel better, but I suspect it's more of the latter than the former. Good luck.
posted by annekate at 10:07 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, ARE there issues within the relationship that need to be resolved?
I ask because I can very much relate to your words. In my case, I didn't have any of my own 'stuff' because I made all of my ex's trials and tribulations (which unfortunately were many) My Business, and before I knew it I had no identity of my own within the relationship or outside of it. Almost a year after the breakup I'm still struggling with my own identity and having my own interests, and what to do with all my free time when I'm not obsessing over her/our problems… like you, I'd like to try therapy but can't justify the cost (although if I had any money I'd probably just pay it). Don't know if it's true for you but I find myself to be pretty codependent; as someone above mentioned, you might want to read up on codependency and think about whether that's part of it (and if it is I've heard that Al-Anon is helpful with this kind of thing, even if you don't have an addict in your life per se. Kind of silly maybe for me to suggest this given I haven't tried it, but it's on my list).
How about aiming to do one thing for yourself per week? Something that you wouldn't normally do, WITHOUT your partner, maybe slightly outside of your comfort zone? If nothing else, it's a nice distraction. As for volunteering, I know what you mean about the tasks that you aren't really satisfied with- but just because it's mundane doesn't mean it isn't meaningful in its own way. Maybe if you give it a shot and see it as a way to get out and about, meet some new people, and get your foot in the door at an organization that does good work- over time you can possibly do different things there, meet people, and have a good experience.
posted by anad487 at 7:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I ask because I can very much relate to your words. In my case, I didn't have any of my own 'stuff' because I made all of my ex's trials and tribulations (which unfortunately were many) My Business, and before I knew it I had no identity of my own within the relationship or outside of it. Almost a year after the breakup I'm still struggling with my own identity and having my own interests, and what to do with all my free time when I'm not obsessing over her/our problems… like you, I'd like to try therapy but can't justify the cost (although if I had any money I'd probably just pay it). Don't know if it's true for you but I find myself to be pretty codependent; as someone above mentioned, you might want to read up on codependency and think about whether that's part of it (and if it is I've heard that Al-Anon is helpful with this kind of thing, even if you don't have an addict in your life per se. Kind of silly maybe for me to suggest this given I haven't tried it, but it's on my list).
How about aiming to do one thing for yourself per week? Something that you wouldn't normally do, WITHOUT your partner, maybe slightly outside of your comfort zone? If nothing else, it's a nice distraction. As for volunteering, I know what you mean about the tasks that you aren't really satisfied with- but just because it's mundane doesn't mean it isn't meaningful in its own way. Maybe if you give it a shot and see it as a way to get out and about, meet some new people, and get your foot in the door at an organization that does good work- over time you can possibly do different things there, meet people, and have a good experience.
posted by anad487 at 7:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
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- Don't give up on volunteering. If the things you tried were too admin-oriented, try something else that is specifically about working with people. Find out if there are soup kitchens/vans that feed meals to the homeless/down-and-out and see if they either need helpers or have any suggestions. See if you can read to elderly people in hospital. I'm not sure where you are, but there are general volunteer websites like VolunteerMatch and I bet if you google "volunteer +name of nearby city" you will get more local stuff coming up.
- It will seem counter-intuitive, but one of the things that helps with rumination and excessive introspection is meditation. I know it seems like navel-gazing but it is being aware of yourself and the present moment as it actually is - pushing away the ruminations, pushing away all those worries and self-doubts and everything. Just be gentle. Everyone does this, everyone has the monkey mind chattering at them. You're not its slave.
- Try to create a bit of structure for yourself. Paradoxically, creativity is one of those things that can really flourish when given a few strictures. "I can do anything I want" is all very well, but sometimes the creative juices really get going when you're limited to "but whatever I create has to use 6 random words I look up in the dictionary" (if painting or similar can create visual representations). Or something. If you have unstructured time, structure it. Decide on a set time when you are going to devote yourself to doing something creative and stick to it (eg every day from 9-11am). If you don't feel inspired, then noodle around on the keyboard or write about people you saw on the street and what their stories might be or play with different colour combinations. Just do something.
- Keep a gratitude journal. Every day write down at least 5 good things that have happened and 5 things that you are grateful for. If you find yourself always wanting to put the same things (I'm grateful that SO loves me, I'm grateful that I have my health) then make it more specific. What did your SO do to make you feel grateful? What reminded you that being in good health is actually a wonderful thing rather than something to be taken for granted? This can help turn you around from focusing on the little negative things to the little positive things - because they don't have to be big things. It could be as simple as "I'm grateful peaches are in season because I love eating peaches!" (Well, they're in season here.) And try to make it an actual positive thing rather than being grateful something worse didn't happen. I know this all sounds very power-of-positive thinking but there is something weird about all those little bad things, they pile up and it's easy to think that they mean something bigger is also wrong. Focusing on the little good things is really helpful.
Good luck!
posted by Athanassiel at 2:29 AM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]