Am I doing something *wrong* in my Okcupid profile? Can I stop?
December 17, 2013 5:21 PM Subscribe
OKCupidFilter, sorry. I am getting dramatically fewer visitors and messages these past couple weeks. I haven't gotten a year older. I tried switching around pictures, editing answers, all the stuff I could think of to do. But, other than the "hey, beautiful lady, I hop ur write me back!" messages, I'm getting crickets.
Here is my profile. (Please be nice, I know I'm older.)
Is there something I can do to fix this? Or is it out of my hands?
Thanks ever so much!
Yeah, it's the holidays. Most folks won't be looking for dates in the span between Thanksgiving and the new year. Don't be surprised if the messages pick up in early January.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Thirding holidays. People are too busy shopping to date. Wait until the new year.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
I like it! You sound smart and complex and funny. I think people are right about the holidays. My only suggestion (primarily because I like offering suggestions) is that maybe the ending could be a little more positive. I'm not saying be bubbly or anything - maybe just try to keep the focus on the types of things that *would* interest you instead of the things that wouldn't.
posted by leitmotif at 5:48 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by leitmotif at 5:48 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is not meant as an attack and I'm trying to help from a different perspective. I'm not in your target demographic FWIW, so you may want to ignore.
I think things like:
If you have the phrases ...."enjoy life", ..." or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
would scare me off if I saw it in a prospective date's profile. Now I don't have those words in my profile (I don't think that I do), but some of those terms are very innocuous, so in my head, if that bothers the prospective date, then what else bothers the person?
What you could do instead is not list those things but filter back your responses if words like easygoing bother you (ie, ignore the users who have those words in their profile).
The other small thing that I see is in your profile in the first few sentences, you mention that you are not as into drugs as your profile suggests, but one of your answers suggests drug use. I'm not judging, but you may want to elaborate in your answer to those questions (what kind of drugs,how often), because some people filter for drug use/alcohol use, and may take a chance on someone who doesn't use it as much, but they may want to do the filtering before they meet the person,so you may want to consider spelling it out for them.
Just some ideas.
posted by Wolfster at 5:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
I think things like:
If you have the phrases ...."enjoy life", ..." or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
would scare me off if I saw it in a prospective date's profile. Now I don't have those words in my profile (I don't think that I do), but some of those terms are very innocuous, so in my head, if that bothers the prospective date, then what else bothers the person?
What you could do instead is not list those things but filter back your responses if words like easygoing bother you (ie, ignore the users who have those words in their profile).
The other small thing that I see is in your profile in the first few sentences, you mention that you are not as into drugs as your profile suggests, but one of your answers suggests drug use. I'm not judging, but you may want to elaborate in your answer to those questions (what kind of drugs,how often), because some people filter for drug use/alcohol use, and may take a chance on someone who doesn't use it as much, but they may want to do the filtering before they meet the person,so you may want to consider spelling it out for them.
Just some ideas.
posted by Wolfster at 5:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
Any chance you can make your profile visible to non members so we don't have to set up an account (or dig out our password from 2005 or whatever) to view it?
posted by salvia at 6:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by salvia at 6:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
Nthing that it's probably the holiday.
But, some genuine well-meaning feedback:
It sounds kind of negative overall.
I'm trying to help other peoples' lives be better without destroying my own.
Destroying your own? Really? Kind of dramatic. Makes me think you are unstable. If you ARE unstable, then some people are into that, so keep it in ;)
I moved to San Diego for work recently and I hardly know anyone here.
Maybe something more positive, about how you are making new friends or still discovering the cool local haunts? Someone who hardly has any friends = makes me worry that they will be clinging, needy, dependent...or dump me once they get settled and make friends. I'm on OkCupid and I avoid anyone who moved to my city in the last 6 months.
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
You want to take me bowling.
Funny is good. Superlatives about my appearance will get you exactly nowhere. Taking yourself seriously will produce the opposite effect in me. You get the idea.
Start with with the positive, and frame it as positive. "You want to take me bowling. You're funny and don't take yourself too seriously." I would cut the whole thing about actual content and appearances comments - just delete those messages right off the bat.
--
Maybe another photo in which you are smiling? I love the sexy artsy photos, but with just a single smile the overall effect is a little dour.
Could you add a little more about what you like to do? Do you go to shows? hang out at bookstores? walk your dog on the beach? cook a lot? This helps people envision spending time with you.
posted by amaire at 6:08 PM on December 17, 2013 [20 favorites]
But, some genuine well-meaning feedback:
It sounds kind of negative overall.
I'm trying to help other peoples' lives be better without destroying my own.
Destroying your own? Really? Kind of dramatic. Makes me think you are unstable. If you ARE unstable, then some people are into that, so keep it in ;)
I moved to San Diego for work recently and I hardly know anyone here.
Maybe something more positive, about how you are making new friends or still discovering the cool local haunts? Someone who hardly has any friends = makes me worry that they will be clinging, needy, dependent...or dump me once they get settled and make friends. I'm on OkCupid and I avoid anyone who moved to my city in the last 6 months.
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
You want to take me bowling.
Funny is good. Superlatives about my appearance will get you exactly nowhere. Taking yourself seriously will produce the opposite effect in me. You get the idea.
Start with with the positive, and frame it as positive. "You want to take me bowling. You're funny and don't take yourself too seriously." I would cut the whole thing about actual content and appearances comments - just delete those messages right off the bat.
--
Maybe another photo in which you are smiling? I love the sexy artsy photos, but with just a single smile the overall effect is a little dour.
Could you add a little more about what you like to do? Do you go to shows? hang out at bookstores? walk your dog on the beach? cook a lot? This helps people envision spending time with you.
posted by amaire at 6:08 PM on December 17, 2013 [20 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, salvia, thought I did, but did not save changes. Done now.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:08 PM on December 17, 2013
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:08 PM on December 17, 2013
Straight female here and I would totally date you. I like it and think you are funny. I don't perceive it as negative, dour, or bereft of fun activities you and your soon-to-be SO could do together. Just need everyone not to be so busy and then things will pick up. No reason to worry or change.
posted by notcomputersavvy06 at 6:15 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by notcomputersavvy06 at 6:15 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
Change your cover photo. It is monochromatic and features some kind of a headrest. Whats with that? It doesn't give any idea at all of what you look like.
There are a lot of negative comments and dismissive comments-things that don't answer the questions and come off sounding flippant. A little flip is good, but a lot of flip is very off-putting.
Or, what Amaire said. And she says it better than I do.
posted by SLC Mom at 6:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are a lot of negative comments and dismissive comments-things that don't answer the questions and come off sounding flippant. A little flip is good, but a lot of flip is very off-putting.
Or, what Amaire said. And she says it better than I do.
posted by SLC Mom at 6:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would agree with Dec 17th being a tough time for first dates, most people just trying to get to Jan 2nd without incident. Also, no smiling pics, and the business about destroying your own life, and the dying alone sort of stuff (and yeah, I totally know where you are coming from) can maybe be read the wrong way. Over all though, you should be you, and just wait 'til 2014 for the messages to pick back up.
posted by bquarters at 6:22 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 6:22 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
[full disclosure: I'm a straightish female so also not your target audience]
In addition to what others have said, your profile is a bit sparse on content in general. Not that short answers are bad, but I don't know much about the specifics of your life from this (what inspires you? what do you eat on Fridays when you're hungry? where else have you lived before?) and therefore 1) can't judge super easily whether I would want to hang out with you or not, and 2) wouldn't have a lot of common ground with which to start a message.
You've outlined a lot of stuff you don't like, but presumably dating you would involve doing something you DO like, which … I'm not sure what it would be. Don't focus on actually answering the questions in the profile, just say whatever it is that you'd want people to actually know about you that's relevant to them dating you.
posted by mokudekiru at 6:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
In addition to what others have said, your profile is a bit sparse on content in general. Not that short answers are bad, but I don't know much about the specifics of your life from this (what inspires you? what do you eat on Fridays when you're hungry? where else have you lived before?) and therefore 1) can't judge super easily whether I would want to hang out with you or not, and 2) wouldn't have a lot of common ground with which to start a message.
You've outlined a lot of stuff you don't like, but presumably dating you would involve doing something you DO like, which … I'm not sure what it would be. Don't focus on actually answering the questions in the profile, just say whatever it is that you'd want people to actually know about you that's relevant to them dating you.
posted by mokudekiru at 6:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I like your profile quite a bit, I totally get the skepticism expressed about trite sayings like "enjoy life", "love to laugh" (my example), etc. I also totally get the "trying to help other people's lives without destroying my own". I don't think either of these things are too "negative" (absurd). There can be a very fine line between doing something you can feel good about and many of the jobs that are out there. Perhaps some people with certain employment histories don't understand that? My criticism however is one that would apply to MANY Okcupid profiles. You seem cool and witty and fun, but you don't stand out and you don't really reveal a unique personality. I get that everyone is trying to dumb down their profile so as to appeal to as many people as possible, but perhaps insert some stuff that is more revealing/personal/serious to balance the jokes. I don't message most people on Okcupid precisely because their profile sounds a lot like yours, nothing wrong with it but it just blends into the MASS of Okcupid profiles. I know people are very unique in real life but you would never know it by looking at profiles. Perhaps reflect on some things you can say that REALLY gets at who you are and add that to your profile.
posted by Blitz at 6:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Blitz at 6:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
people react to profiles consciously and subconsciously, and your "dying alone in a world designed by social animals but made to isolate and destroy human connection and love" might be a tad too bleak and close to home for some readers.
posted by bruce at 6:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by bruce at 6:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]
More about who you are, what you do, and your interests.
You say your job is in education/academia, you have a Masters degree, you spend time thinking about sociopolitical nonsense, and you would do anything for science. Do you have an Arts degree? Is it a Science degree? I can't tell. What classes do you teach? Do you have any research interests?
What kind of comedy do you like (other than Louie)? What kind of things do you enjoy doing, other than bowling?
I have to read closely to get a sense of who you are, and there's nothing attracting me at just a glance. Instead, what sticks out at a quick glance is the negative comments.
Also, for me, that part about destroying your life being a possibility, along with the comment about not being as much into your drugs as your answer suggests would make me think you're a bit unstable or unaware.
posted by spicytunaroll at 6:34 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You say your job is in education/academia, you have a Masters degree, you spend time thinking about sociopolitical nonsense, and you would do anything for science. Do you have an Arts degree? Is it a Science degree? I can't tell. What classes do you teach? Do you have any research interests?
What kind of comedy do you like (other than Louie)? What kind of things do you enjoy doing, other than bowling?
I have to read closely to get a sense of who you are, and there's nothing attracting me at just a glance. Instead, what sticks out at a quick glance is the negative comments.
Also, for me, that part about destroying your life being a possibility, along with the comment about not being as much into your drugs as your answer suggests would make me think you're a bit unstable or unaware.
posted by spicytunaroll at 6:34 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's the Holidays.
Nobody has time for internet dating around this time of year. We were chatting at work today and somebody in my department noted that they have social obligations every day between today and the second week of January. Every single day.
posted by Sara C. at 6:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nobody has time for internet dating around this time of year. We were chatting at work today and somebody in my department noted that they have social obligations every day between today and the second week of January. Every single day.
posted by Sara C. at 6:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm not going to offer profile criticism, but did your profile recently become not "new" in the eyes of the OKCupid search algorithm? I don't know when the cutoff is, but I had a lot less traffic once my profile was a month old than I did when it was new, just because OKC tends to steer a little more attention to newer profiles.
posted by LionIndex at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by LionIndex at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The sudden dropoff is mostly the holidays. People are either busy with holiday plans or assuming you will be.
It's hard to tell what's going on in your picture; I'd advise swapping it for one that shows your face more clearly. In the rest of your photos, you look a little exasperated, except for the one that shows your shirt and only half your face. An expression like that in any of the other pics would be incredibly appealing; you're attractive and stylish and the photos themselves are interesting.
And I agree that there's too much dismissiveness going on in your profile. A little bit is fine - you and your ideal date are much smarter than the average dating cliché, and snark is fun - but in this case it comes at the expense of content. Nearly all I know about you is that you're tired of insipid half-literate dating profiles; I don't know what makes you different or fun to be around, and I don't know what to ask to get to know you better. And at this point, making fun of the clichéd profiles has become a cliché in itself.
Imagine what you'd write for each answer if you'd never seen another OKC profile before. Once you've got that, I think you're gold.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's hard to tell what's going on in your picture; I'd advise swapping it for one that shows your face more clearly. In the rest of your photos, you look a little exasperated, except for the one that shows your shirt and only half your face. An expression like that in any of the other pics would be incredibly appealing; you're attractive and stylish and the photos themselves are interesting.
And I agree that there's too much dismissiveness going on in your profile. A little bit is fine - you and your ideal date are much smarter than the average dating cliché, and snark is fun - but in this case it comes at the expense of content. Nearly all I know about you is that you're tired of insipid half-literate dating profiles; I don't know what makes you different or fun to be around, and I don't know what to ask to get to know you better. And at this point, making fun of the clichéd profiles has become a cliché in itself.
Imagine what you'd write for each answer if you'd never seen another OKC profile before. Once you've got that, I think you're gold.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think much of the problem is just the time of year. I like your profile (though I'm not in your target demographic). But, I do have some constructive suggestions:
1. Add more photos of you smiling, and make sure one of them is your profile photo. All of your photos are attractive, but they make you seem somewhat unapproachable.
2. I think If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along. is a bit of a turnoff. Don't get me wrong - I feel where you're coming from! But I think many men will worry that you will be super picky/difficult. If you don't want to remove it, I'd at least move it further down your profile page.
But I think your profile is good. I would not worry too much about the dearth of messages right now...it is probably just the holidays.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Add more photos of you smiling, and make sure one of them is your profile photo. All of your photos are attractive, but they make you seem somewhat unapproachable.
2. I think If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along. is a bit of a turnoff. Don't get me wrong - I feel where you're coming from! But I think many men will worry that you will be super picky/difficult. If you don't want to remove it, I'd at least move it further down your profile page.
But I think your profile is good. I would not worry too much about the dearth of messages right now...it is probably just the holidays.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, on the off chance that this is a veiled request for profile critiques, the one thing I'd say is that you come off as being kind of negative/defensive.
You should add more about who you ARE and what you WANT and take away some of the things about how dumb you clearly think this whole exercise is. You don't come off as being particularly excited to be using a dating site.
posted by Sara C. at 6:44 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
You should add more about who you ARE and what you WANT and take away some of the things about how dumb you clearly think this whole exercise is. You don't come off as being particularly excited to be using a dating site.
posted by Sara C. at 6:44 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, I think this
My only suggestion (primarily because I like offering suggestions) is that maybe the ending could be a little more positive. I'm not saying be bubbly or anything - maybe just try to keep the focus on the types of things that *would* interest you instead of the things that wouldn't.
is exactly right.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
My only suggestion (primarily because I like offering suggestions) is that maybe the ending could be a little more positive. I'm not saying be bubbly or anything - maybe just try to keep the focus on the types of things that *would* interest you instead of the things that wouldn't.
is exactly right.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
people react to profiles consciously and subconsciously, and your "dying alone in a world designed by social animals but made to isolate and destroy human connection and love" might be a tad too bleak and close to home for some readers.
Yeah, but right after that, she puts: comedy. That cracked me up laughing. And the OP also likes Louie, so maybe that actually does give the people reading her profile insight into her sense of humor.
Anyway, OP, I'm a straight woman, not your target audience, but I thought the profile as a whole was great. Really funny, and even though it's sparse, there's enough so that I'd know what to do if I thought we might hit it off -- message you for bowling, for example.
I agree that this is a rough time of year in terms of people's schedules, and that's likely the overriding reason why you're not getting many messages. But if you are going to change anything, this is the stuff I would change:
The "Self Summary" section is funny, but it's (and sorry, this is very picky) kind of contradictory -- you'd do anything for comedy and/or science...except drugs? There's nothing wrong with either statement, I don't think, they just go together in a weird way.
I don't think the answers for "What I’m doing with my life" and "On a typical Friday night I am" are especially off-putting (well maybe the part where you mention not destroying your life, but just because that's really strong language, not because the sentiment is off-putting), but they're kind of dull. Maybe you could tweak those sections so your answers are more personal/thoughtful?
Along the same lines, I think the photos are OK, especially the middle one of you laughing. But a smiling, full-face shot couldn't hurt. Also, maybe one of you further away, so people can see your body? It's shallow, but I always hear that people do prefer to see at least one picture of the face, and at least one of the body.
The picture you picked for your main profile picture is also not bad or unflattering or anything, but since you're in a weird position and wearing sunglasses and stuff, it's very hard to see what you actually look like, so maybe you're not getting as much bang for your buck there as you could. Plus, sunglasses and no smile is a pretty guarded/unfriendly look to put as your main picture.
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
Funny is good. Superlatives about my appearance will get you exactly nowhere. Taking yourself seriously will produce the opposite effect in me. You get the idea.
I'd cut those answers, because they're more focused on people you don't like than on you. The point of reading your profile is to see what you're like, and I doubt you define yourself by your hatred of people who say "special lady" and superlatives about your appearance, so at best, these answers are telling us nothing. And at worst, they're linking you with people you don't like. Also, you know the kind of clueless guys you're hoping to target with those statements aren't going to self-select out anyway, so don't even bother.
I'd say the same about this one, except that I laughed when I read it:
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
posted by rue72 at 6:46 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, but right after that, she puts: comedy. That cracked me up laughing. And the OP also likes Louie, so maybe that actually does give the people reading her profile insight into her sense of humor.
Anyway, OP, I'm a straight woman, not your target audience, but I thought the profile as a whole was great. Really funny, and even though it's sparse, there's enough so that I'd know what to do if I thought we might hit it off -- message you for bowling, for example.
I agree that this is a rough time of year in terms of people's schedules, and that's likely the overriding reason why you're not getting many messages. But if you are going to change anything, this is the stuff I would change:
The "Self Summary" section is funny, but it's (and sorry, this is very picky) kind of contradictory -- you'd do anything for comedy and/or science...except drugs? There's nothing wrong with either statement, I don't think, they just go together in a weird way.
I don't think the answers for "What I’m doing with my life" and "On a typical Friday night I am" are especially off-putting (well maybe the part where you mention not destroying your life, but just because that's really strong language, not because the sentiment is off-putting), but they're kind of dull. Maybe you could tweak those sections so your answers are more personal/thoughtful?
Along the same lines, I think the photos are OK, especially the middle one of you laughing. But a smiling, full-face shot couldn't hurt. Also, maybe one of you further away, so people can see your body? It's shallow, but I always hear that people do prefer to see at least one picture of the face, and at least one of the body.
The picture you picked for your main profile picture is also not bad or unflattering or anything, but since you're in a weird position and wearing sunglasses and stuff, it's very hard to see what you actually look like, so maybe you're not getting as much bang for your buck there as you could. Plus, sunglasses and no smile is a pretty guarded/unfriendly look to put as your main picture.
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
Funny is good. Superlatives about my appearance will get you exactly nowhere. Taking yourself seriously will produce the opposite effect in me. You get the idea.
I'd cut those answers, because they're more focused on people you don't like than on you. The point of reading your profile is to see what you're like, and I doubt you define yourself by your hatred of people who say "special lady" and superlatives about your appearance, so at best, these answers are telling us nothing. And at worst, they're linking you with people you don't like. Also, you know the kind of clueless guys you're hoping to target with those statements aren't going to self-select out anyway, so don't even bother.
I'd say the same about this one, except that I laughed when I read it:
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
posted by rue72 at 6:46 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm in your target demographic and on OKC, I'd have a hard time coming up with something to put into a message to you. I get the overall witty vibe you're trying to put out there, but there's very little specific information that I can connect to and put into a message. Your "favorites" and "thinking about" are very terse and mostly generic. And then you close by setting a threshold for acceptable messages, at which point I'd be on to the next profile.
posted by doctord at 6:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by doctord at 6:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: In person, you'd probably be saying some of the more negative comments with a grin, to defuse them. But it's not, and the pictures only have one smile, too.
You don't have to *smile* really widely, but even a half smile, or looking like you are amused, would be good?
When I'm worried about dragging people down, I just make sure to have at least a 4 to 1 ratio of happy/neutral comments to negative ones. I'm extrapolating from what should be a 5 to 1 ratio on positive interactions between couples, but it's just a little thing I keep in mind when I'm worried I'm being a bit of a downer with my friends.
So, going through your post, you have currently stated many more things you don't like than things you do. Just rework them. Put as many things you don't like as you want, but just try and state more things you do like, as well.
I do like several of your pictures, is that a tattoo on your neckline? But the overall impression is a touch sad or grumpy. I get the feeling you'd be more awesome to hang out with in person, though.
posted by Elysum at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
You don't have to *smile* really widely, but even a half smile, or looking like you are amused, would be good?
When I'm worried about dragging people down, I just make sure to have at least a 4 to 1 ratio of happy/neutral comments to negative ones. I'm extrapolating from what should be a 5 to 1 ratio on positive interactions between couples, but it's just a little thing I keep in mind when I'm worried I'm being a bit of a downer with my friends.
So, going through your post, you have currently stated many more things you don't like than things you do. Just rework them. Put as many things you don't like as you want, but just try and state more things you do like, as well.
I do like several of your pictures, is that a tattoo on your neckline? But the overall impression is a touch sad or grumpy. I get the feeling you'd be more awesome to hang out with in person, though.
posted by Elysum at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nthing-the time of year and yeah, I wouldn't call it negative, but there's something that comes off as overly defensive. I get that a lot of women get lambasted with horrid messages on online dating sites (trust me, I have *many* friends that have told me horror/laughing stories), but in something that is such a numbers game in an area as large as San Diego, I'd think it'd be much easier to stop trying to turn off the asshole-dam (it's gonna happen anyways) and let open the occasional decent guy creek.
Also, you don't make any mention of it, but have you been finding guys on there that you actually *are* interested in and messaging them first? Even if I was a bit turned off by your profile, hey, I like bowling, dogs, Louie *and* the Clash. If you show a little bit of interest first, you may get more thoughtful responses. Pretty much every woman I wound up meeting with via online dating (which was under ten, but whatever) messaged me first, for whatever reason, including the two that led to decent (albeit not-permanent) relationships.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:55 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, you don't make any mention of it, but have you been finding guys on there that you actually *are* interested in and messaging them first? Even if I was a bit turned off by your profile, hey, I like bowling, dogs, Louie *and* the Clash. If you show a little bit of interest first, you may get more thoughtful responses. Pretty much every woman I wound up meeting with via online dating (which was under ten, but whatever) messaged me first, for whatever reason, including the two that led to decent (albeit not-permanent) relationships.
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:55 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
1. I hate most of those phrases too (so cheesy!) but this makes you sound kind of difficult. Also, I would wonder why you would not get along with an easygoing person? How hard could that be? And that would make me worry that maybe you were some kind of drama addict or just one of those people who are constantly snarky and negative and too cool to enjoy stuff and have fun.
2. I really like most of your photos, but I think the black and white is less than flattering. You look older in that one, and sad. I saw your cover pic, thought "oh, she's cute" and then the black and white popped out and I thought "hmmm."
3. I like your sense of humor but I think you should find a way to squeeze in a few more revealing answers alongside the flippancy. I feel like I didn't learn much about you except you are dryly funny and have cool tats.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. I hate most of those phrases too (so cheesy!) but this makes you sound kind of difficult. Also, I would wonder why you would not get along with an easygoing person? How hard could that be? And that would make me worry that maybe you were some kind of drama addict or just one of those people who are constantly snarky and negative and too cool to enjoy stuff and have fun.
2. I really like most of your photos, but I think the black and white is less than flattering. You look older in that one, and sad. I saw your cover pic, thought "oh, she's cute" and then the black and white popped out and I thought "hmmm."
3. I like your sense of humor but I think you should find a way to squeeze in a few more revealing answers alongside the flippancy. I feel like I didn't learn much about you except you are dryly funny and have cool tats.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've read your profile and I know very little about you other than you are sarcastic. A profile is there to 'sell' you. Here's a critique on some current commercials. The same problem with these commercials is present in your profile.
Show me the features. Show me a compelling reason why someone wants to date you. Give someone a compelling reason. Your best line right now is 'You want to take me bowling.' From that I know that you like bowling and that if I like bowling that we might have that in common. Oddly enough, if I liked bowling I'd also be a little unsure if you were serious at that line or whether you were joking. So once again, even if you do like bowling - I'm not sure whether I should be isolated or not.
You need to be differentiating yourself from other profiles, not trying to appear funny by destroying your profile before I meet you. I need to know what makes you different. I should not be questioning whether you are going to kill yourself or whether you will die alone before we even go on a date. Save that material for the second date.
Limiting the pool is a good idea, telling people you are limiting the pool and that they must be this tall to enter makes some people not even want to see if they qualify - especially when someone reading it really doesn't know whether anything about you is true or not. This is the problem with dripping sarcasm.... what is real and what isn't?
Funny and sarcasm is good, but there are better ways to show you are funny and sarcastic without tearing down yourself and people you are prospectively dating. Make sure I know something about you before I leave your profile.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Show me the features. Show me a compelling reason why someone wants to date you. Give someone a compelling reason. Your best line right now is 'You want to take me bowling.' From that I know that you like bowling and that if I like bowling that we might have that in common. Oddly enough, if I liked bowling I'd also be a little unsure if you were serious at that line or whether you were joking. So once again, even if you do like bowling - I'm not sure whether I should be isolated or not.
You need to be differentiating yourself from other profiles, not trying to appear funny by destroying your profile before I meet you. I need to know what makes you different. I should not be questioning whether you are going to kill yourself or whether you will die alone before we even go on a date. Save that material for the second date.
Limiting the pool is a good idea, telling people you are limiting the pool and that they must be this tall to enter makes some people not even want to see if they qualify - especially when someone reading it really doesn't know whether anything about you is true or not. This is the problem with dripping sarcasm.... what is real and what isn't?
Funny and sarcasm is good, but there are better ways to show you are funny and sarcastic without tearing down yourself and people you are prospectively dating. Make sure I know something about you before I leave your profile.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your profile made me laugh out loud more than once, and if you had a blog, I'd totally read it. But I'm scared of you.
You don't have to be an easygoing special lady living life to the fullest, but as others are suggesting, there is definitely room here to sound more approachable.
Without more about what you do, what you like, and what you want, all the mention of things you hate and thinking about dying alone get overwhelming.
I want to hear more about all the nonsense!
posted by loveatfirstsite at 7:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
You don't have to be an easygoing special lady living life to the fullest, but as others are suggesting, there is definitely room here to sound more approachable.
Without more about what you do, what you like, and what you want, all the mention of things you hate and thinking about dying alone get overwhelming.
I want to hear more about all the nonsense!
posted by loveatfirstsite at 7:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm also a straight female and I also really liked your profile. I think you're pretty and sound smart, fun and put-together.
The only thing I would mention is what a few other people have mentioned. Steer clear of any kind of negativity or "I don't like this" kind of stuff. Specific examples:
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
I don't know how guys are, but I might not respond to this kind of thing because I'd be worried the person would be judging me on lots of other things.
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
People not worth answering will not read this far and will send you a message that says "how you doin tonite" anyway. These are super easy to filter out. People worth answering will (I think) generally make a little more effort even without you asking specifically for it.
And maybe a few more details about yourself couldn't hurt and will give guys a good conversation-starter. Good luck!
posted by triggerfinger at 7:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
The only thing I would mention is what a few other people have mentioned. Steer clear of any kind of negativity or "I don't like this" kind of stuff. Specific examples:
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
I don't know how guys are, but I might not respond to this kind of thing because I'd be worried the person would be judging me on lots of other things.
your message has actual content. I'm not such a snob that I'm saying you have to send me the most meaningful, original message ever. But seriously, if we have a 20+ enemy percentage and you send me a "Hi" message, what I'm hearing is the sound of a net dragging along the bottom of the Ocean of the Internet.
People not worth answering will not read this far and will send you a message that says "how you doin tonite" anyway. These are super easy to filter out. People worth answering will (I think) generally make a little more effort even without you asking specifically for it.
And maybe a few more details about yourself couldn't hurt and will give guys a good conversation-starter. Good luck!
posted by triggerfinger at 7:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Right up front, the profile picture jumped out at me as kind of dour and unflattering. Looking at your other pics, I don't think they're presenting you in the best light either. I'm not saying you need a big fake smile, but this is supposed to be a profile to get you dates so you want to look approachable.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're so cute. Take out the third and fourth pics though, they aren't flattering. 1, 2 and 5 are way better.
I totally feel you on the "easygoing" stuff, but … yeah. This list makes you sound kind of bitchy. I am bitchy too, and funny, and my husband and my favorite boyfriends have loved that about me, but I don't know that it's the first thing to put out there, before people know that you're also kind and fun and easy to be with.
Put more stuff about your interests, maybe the kind of work you do since it sounds like that's important to you. Talk about what you like.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:43 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I totally feel you on the "easygoing" stuff, but … yeah. This list makes you sound kind of bitchy. I am bitchy too, and funny, and my husband and my favorite boyfriends have loved that about me, but I don't know that it's the first thing to put out there, before people know that you're also kind and fun and easy to be with.
Put more stuff about your interests, maybe the kind of work you do since it sounds like that's important to you. Talk about what you like.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:43 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Four photos and only one is smiling. Your profile photo shows you in the passenger seat with a guy(?) or another person driving. I think you might want to swap that for a shot of you alone, smiling. Your writing is fun to read, but maybe a bit terse?
posted by Ideefixe at 7:59 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 7:59 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sunglasses and greyscale photos have got to go.
Felt like everything else was pretty good though.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 8:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Felt like everything else was pretty good though.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 8:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Metroid Baby nailed it with this
I agree that there's too much dismissiveness going on in your profile.
and this
Imagine what you'd write for each answer if you'd never seen another OKC profile before.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 PM on December 17, 2013
I agree that there's too much dismissiveness going on in your profile.
and this
Imagine what you'd write for each answer if you'd never seen another OKC profile before.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:33 PM on December 17, 2013
Response by poster: Golly.
I had considered ONE of these things - that one being some pictures might not be so great. From the holidays to my coming across as negative (or clingy! or unstable!), I had not a clue.
I'm so totally stable, positive and not clingy. I know I have faults, but none of those things have been issues for me, so it's obvious that I'm not coming across well. And by "well", I mean "accurately". I clearly need to take the damn thing down and rewrite it (after the holidays).
Thanks so much, you guys.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I had considered ONE of these things - that one being some pictures might not be so great. From the holidays to my coming across as negative (or clingy! or unstable!), I had not a clue.
I'm so totally stable, positive and not clingy. I know I have faults, but none of those things have been issues for me, so it's obvious that I'm not coming across well. And by "well", I mean "accurately". I clearly need to take the damn thing down and rewrite it (after the holidays).
Thanks so much, you guys.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm guessing I'm at least a bit your demographic, being about the same amount #ahem# older and probably equally dispirited by the whole online dating scene. And, I have to admit I feel a bit judged before even writing to you. I pretty much figure at best one in many first messages I send out will even get a response, and that means I have to either be inspired by something in the profile that's so unique and good I need to write, or, more often, a profile of someone who seems approachable and gives me enough to write a personal note that acknowledges them, without feeling like its a huge research and creative writing exercise. As it is, I'd probably note you, not know what to say, and lose track.
Also, yeah, I've already decided no new messages are going out until after the holidays. So that's a big factor.
Suggestions:
You're now smiling in your cover photo which is delightful, one more with a grin?
Give concrete offers of shared interests so I have something to mention when I write.
Put something a bit boundary pushing somewhere in there that might catch the sort of attention you want - sexually, politically, socially, doesn't matter. Just so long as it aligns with who you are it will be good.
Describe exactly what you want, even going as far as listing interesting dates you'd like to be taken on. Why not? Bowling is a start.
I'm not sure you intend to be defensive, but dating is definitely being out there and vulnerable. Right now it doesn't quite seem like you're putting it on the line, and that bit is intimidating when I want to message you out of the blue.
Final thought: wait until January 3 and then start sening out some messages yourself.
posted by meinvt at 9:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, yeah, I've already decided no new messages are going out until after the holidays. So that's a big factor.
Suggestions:
You're now smiling in your cover photo which is delightful, one more with a grin?
Give concrete offers of shared interests so I have something to mention when I write.
Put something a bit boundary pushing somewhere in there that might catch the sort of attention you want - sexually, politically, socially, doesn't matter. Just so long as it aligns with who you are it will be good.
Describe exactly what you want, even going as far as listing interesting dates you'd like to be taken on. Why not? Bowling is a start.
I'm not sure you intend to be defensive, but dating is definitely being out there and vulnerable. Right now it doesn't quite seem like you're putting it on the line, and that bit is intimidating when I want to message you out of the blue.
Final thought: wait until January 3 and then start sening out some messages yourself.
posted by meinvt at 9:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree: removing your exclusion criteria and including a few specific details about things you like and do will communicate your ROI more clearly to prospective daters. (Though I get you were going for a rhythm, and I also thought you were funny.)
If you do that and communicate a bit more lightness visually, there's little else I'd recommend for the text -- I think the right pics will soften the gist impression men will get from the profile as a whole (which is currently, I agree, 'intense').
I love the 2nd image so much! Nth a photo with you smiling (or bemused).
Your stance seems a bit guarded in the body pics, and agree about a middle-distance shot vs the selfies - they read as a touch (again) 'intense', because you are not making a duckface or similarly stereotypically 'feminine' expression to moderate the perceived closeness.
According to one of the OKCupid blog posts that analyzed such things, physical movement, or a demonstration of engaging in a favourite activity, would be good too. Pics of women playing guitar or tennis did well, as I recall. Maybe an action bowling shot for you? Something showing your sense of fun, that you're relaxed and at home with yourself, would suggest you might offer the same to someone else.
I am also not your demographic but agree you're cute.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you do that and communicate a bit more lightness visually, there's little else I'd recommend for the text -- I think the right pics will soften the gist impression men will get from the profile as a whole (which is currently, I agree, 'intense').
I love the 2nd image so much! Nth a photo with you smiling (or bemused).
Your stance seems a bit guarded in the body pics, and agree about a middle-distance shot vs the selfies - they read as a touch (again) 'intense', because you are not making a duckface or similarly stereotypically 'feminine' expression to moderate the perceived closeness.
According to one of the OKCupid blog posts that analyzed such things, physical movement, or a demonstration of engaging in a favourite activity, would be good too. Pics of women playing guitar or tennis did well, as I recall. Maybe an action bowling shot for you? Something showing your sense of fun, that you're relaxed and at home with yourself, would suggest you might offer the same to someone else.
I am also not your demographic but agree you're cute.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
One other note about online dating, you don't have to limit who contacts you. If you don't want to date someone all you need to do is say that you are flattered that someone contacted you, but you've started seeing someone and you'd like to see where things go before you take down your profile.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you have the phrases "living life to the fullest", "enjoy life", "special lady" or the word "easygoing" anywhere in your profile, we will not get along.
I don't know how guys are, but I might not respond to this kind of thing because I'd be worried the person would be judging me on lots of other things.
Hi there, can't see the rest of the profile but I like you already. If it's a honest sentiment, keep it in there.
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:14 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't know how guys are, but I might not respond to this kind of thing because I'd be worried the person would be judging me on lots of other things.
Hi there, can't see the rest of the profile but I like you already. If it's a honest sentiment, keep it in there.
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:14 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Follow up! Just in case y'all think I don't hang on your every word. Updated!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 9:27 AM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 9:27 AM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Great work! This is a million times better and really quite good! And I'm glad you kept the bit about "Dying alone in a world designed by social animals but made to isolate and destroy human connection and love." :)
posted by salvia at 5:43 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 5:43 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your inbox is going to EXPLODE. Have a great 2014!
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:53 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:53 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: My inbox has *exploded*! I got a date for tomorrow night by yesterday afternoon! The first day it was up! And I messaged him first! You guys are the BEST!!!
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:36 PM on January 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:36 PM on January 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I LOVE YOUR SHEEP VERTEBRAE!
Ok, so I'm 3/4 your age, a female, and a continent away, but I wish I could take you out on a date, which suggests you have nailed it. ;D
As for the dates themselves - who knows. Some may result in friends, some romances, and some may make amusingly terrible stories (possibly in the aggregate). Good luck, and have a great time in 2014!
You have motivated me to get out there.
posted by Elysum at 9:14 PM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ok, so I'm 3/4 your age, a female, and a continent away, but I wish I could take you out on a date, which suggests you have nailed it. ;D
As for the dates themselves - who knows. Some may result in friends, some romances, and some may make amusingly terrible stories (possibly in the aggregate). Good luck, and have a great time in 2014!
You have motivated me to get out there.
posted by Elysum at 9:14 PM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ack, just seeing this update and now it shows your account as "not found." (Could you have been that successful already?!)
Glad the re-write was so effective. Happy dating!
posted by amaire at 1:14 AM on January 13, 2014
Glad the re-write was so effective. Happy dating!
posted by amaire at 1:14 AM on January 13, 2014
Response by poster: Follow up, mostly for the edification of anyone who is wondering if having Metafilter critique their OKCupid profile is effective or not.
I went on two dates on January 3. The first one was the guy I messaged. He was a terrible human being. While I hid from him in the restaurant bathroom, another guy I'd been messaging from the site called me and asked if he could drive getaway for me.
I met up with him an hour later. Then this happened a couple weeks ago.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:52 AM on July 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
I went on two dates on January 3. The first one was the guy I messaged. He was a terrible human being. While I hid from him in the restaurant bathroom, another guy I'd been messaging from the site called me and asked if he could drive getaway for me.
I met up with him an hour later. Then this happened a couple weeks ago.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:52 AM on July 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
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posted by Anonymous at 5:23 PM on December 17, 2013