How can I match my girlfriend in X-rated talk?
December 10, 2013 11:11 AM   Subscribe

Ladies, please help an out-of-practice man talk dirty to a new girlfriend who wants to be more verbal in bed.

I'm a male, 30s, in a sexual relationship with a woman for the first time in a long while, and the first ever who really likes to be verbally explicit in bed. I have always liked the thought of dirty talk, but now that it's a reality I feel like I'm lacking the spontaneity. When I ask her what things she'd want to hear me say, she seems disappointed as though she'd rather me just go with the moment rather than quiz her. She likes James Deen and the way he looks women in the eye and talks to them, but I don't know what he's saying!

Lady Mefites, have there been specific examples of dirty talk men have used in bed that have been attractive and exciting and not gross or lame? Luckily, the woman I'm with does not seem put off easily, but I'm also trying not to make a fool of myself. Thanks for helping with this embarrassing question.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

The usual advice, for starting out, is to just kinda... describe what's going on. "I love doing [thing I'm doing] to you," "do you like it when I [thing] your [thing]," etc. Also, compliment her body and the things she's doing. I love your [thing], I love it when you [thing].
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:17 AM on December 10, 2013 [7 favorites]

1. not an embarrassing question

2. go watch some James Deen porn

3. Deen is dominant, he doesn't ask questions

4. be firm, tell her what to do and how to do it

5. more confidence, dude

Also, have fun!
posted by travelwithcats at 11:17 AM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

2. go watch some James Deen porn

The problem here is that he deliberately whispers so that only the person in the scene can hear him. That's not very helpful in the OP's case, he seems to have seen these already.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:19 AM on December 10, 2013

what showbiz_liz said.
also read some erotica, should get your vocabulary where it needs to be:

more templates:
when you do X, it drives me wild.
i was waiting all day to do X to you.
god your X (body part) is perfect/hot/amazing.

Go have fun =c)
posted by pyro979 at 11:24 AM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not embarrassing.

And yes, it is not as difficult as you are setting yourself up for--just describe what you're doing, and describe some things you might do. "Do you like how I'm [verb-ing] your [noun]? Yeah? What if I [verb-ed] your [noun], would you like that too?"

When I ask her what things she'd want to hear me say, she seems disappointed as though she'd rather me just go with the moment rather than quiz her.

This is something to work on, though. She must have some idea of what she likes, and if she doesn't, it would be responsible of her to think up some things she likes rather than expecting you to read her mind. Make a game of it, ask her to write down some dirty things on slips of paper. Then you can use those for your mad libs as above.
posted by epanalepsis at 11:26 AM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

I find that what's easy to conjure in my head was difficult for me to say out loud when my partner wanted me to be more vocal (I blame 15 years of Catholic school!). So I practiced out loud when I was alone first. Having the first time you're hearing yourself talk like that be in the moment when you're wanting to please your partner is an unnecessary added level of stress. You'll still want to be spontaneous in the moment and not sound like you're reciting lines, but it might help to get the feeling-like-a-fool part out of the way in private.

As for examples? Compliments on physical things about me you're liking in the moment and action stuff I'm doing phrased in dirty ways work for me.
posted by cecic at 11:38 AM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Epanalepsis has it - stick to the "would you like if I [verbed] your [noun]" kinds of things and praise body parts for now. As you get used to it, more things will come to you.

A caveat about certain kinds of dirty talk, if you're a beginner at this - certain words like "slut" or the like can backfire on you, because some women have no problem with potentially-loaded words like that, and others really do. And sometimes the same woman can have two totally different reactions depending on her mood and her comfort level with the guy in question; I once had a guy tell me he was gonna "use me like his sex toy" in the middle of things once, and I REALLY didn't like it, but then after a few months he said practically the same thing to me on another occasion and I really dug it. So if you're new at this, and new with her, there are a couple words you may want to avoid until you know each other better.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on December 10, 2013 [5 favorites]

The great thing about dirty talk is that there is basically no need to be novel or original with it. You don't have to worry about avoiding cliches. You're allowed to repeat things. If a particular word or phrase is especially hot for the two of you, you should repeat it, and elaborate on it too eventually. Think of this stuff like a pet name you use all the time, or an inside joke that gets funnier the more often you riff on it. At a certain point, it gets kind of self-reinforcing and That Thing We Always Say When We're Fucking is hot just because it's That Thing We Always Say When We're Fucking — it's this comforting familiar thing that reminds you of all the sexy fun times you've had together.

Spontaneity gets easier when you quit worrying about being original and just say whatever old shit you feel like saying.

Also, it sounds like you're sort of approaching this as an exercise in mind-reading: "What would my girlfriend like me to say?" But it's not all about her. It's about you too, and what you find sexy. What would you like to say? What words or phrases do you find sexy? That'll also help in the spontaneity department. It's easier to be spontaneous when you're doing shit you like.

If you don't know what words and phrases you find sexy, I'm with cecic: talk to yourself while you masturbate. In addition to helping you get over the awkwardness, it also gives you nice immediate feedback. If you find something that Really Works for you, your dick will be all "Yes! Awesome! More of that please!"
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2013 [4 favorites]

"She likes James Deen and the way he looks women in the eye and talks to them, but I don't know what he's saying!"

Haha, this made me laugh! I love it when James Deen does that too, but I also have no idea what he's saying. He just mumbles a bunch of stuff really fast! Maybe you can mumble a bunch of indecipherable stuff fast then it won't matter what you're saying. It will just be really sexy.
posted by Blitz at 11:54 AM on December 10, 2013 [5 favorites]

Does she also like being verbal in bed, or is this all on you? If she's also verbal, you can mirror some of her phrases and vocabulary and avoid the kind of "THIS word, not THAT one" issue that EmpressCallipygos mentions above.
posted by MadamM at 11:57 AM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's a great question :) Very funny and alive and not embarrassing at all.. she's lucky you're so thoughtful and willing to put yourself out there.

James Dean I was thinking 1950's and a quiff.. which is the one I'd probably personally prefer.

Check out Betty Dodson.. this woman is great she has a site dodsonandross. com She's in her 80s!! Don't be totally freaked by that cos it's weird how much it doesn't come into in it bar for all the life experience.

She liberated a lot of folk about sex... not in a porny way.. bah.. it's too much to explain here... she's funny, warm and unembarrasable.

Talking dirty/similar can go really wrong but even when it's cheesy it's pretty amusing. Sex should be fun right? Not all this clinical rubbish we are fed.

Yep anything that affirms you're into her/ how much you love doing x/y/z - hopefully you do though? Faking anything gets no one anywhere and how hot she is... etc - whose not going to guzzle that down so to speak ;) at a time like that.

Maybe injecting something into chit chat when she's not expecting it? That can be hot if the timing's right.

I once read about a man approaching a woman in a club and saying "I'd really like to lick your clit" which got me hot and flustered just reading it.

Ofcourse that could have gone SOO wrong and he could have been completely the wrong man.. but they went home together.. he read her well. She's your beloved so you can take a fair few of the potential bad ends out of that equation.
Have fun :)
posted by tanktop at 12:01 PM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

I like guys who are verbal in bed too, but from my perspective I prefer it when the dirty talk either 1) takes me somewhere else, a shared other place with my partner or 2) the guy says something so dirty that I never would have guessed those words would come out of his mouth (I'm excited when I'm shocked). So while the usual "I really think it's hot when you do this and this...I love doing this to your this.." is also nice, it's not what I most like about dirty talk. I could see that being just me though, I don't know. But to elaborate on 1), I love it when the guy starts describing an elaborate sexual scenario/fantasy, that can have both of us present, or one of us, alone or with others. It's like masturbating but getting to share the sexual fantasy in a really intimate way. I also completely hate it if a guy uses words like slut/whore/dirty, so I agree that it's not a given that kind of language should be included.
posted by Blitz at 12:06 PM on December 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

I am assuming you have seen this now-classic AskMe comment. While it's funny, it's also fairly spot-on. With the caveat that EmpressCallipygos mentions above (i.e., check with her to make sure if she's down with being compared to someone who likes sex as though it were her profession), you can basically use that basic script with your own embellishments to suit the situation.
posted by coppermoss at 12:08 PM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

There seem to be two general categories of dirty talk:

1) (discussed thoroughly above) is the "you like this, don't you?" "I like doing this to you/ with you." "Oh, you are so naughty." etc.

I would suggest an additional approach: probe her fantasies and talk about them during sex.

Probe her fantasies during foreplay. It gives you new, intimate information about what really turns her on and it adds to the arousal. Over time you will learn which fantasies turn her on the most.

For example, maybe she fantasies being with two parners.

Use that info during sex to say things like, "Would you like it if Bob was here with us and touched you *here*?" or "Bob is in the hall, waiting his chance to..."

Find out what turns her on and take her there with your words.
posted by gnossos at 12:38 PM on December 10, 2013

in the 1990s, i read in the newspaper that monica lewinsky had given bill clinton a copy of nicholson baker's novel "vox". because i was curious to know the president a little better vicariously through his reading, i checked it out of the library and read it. it wasn't the book for me, but it is the book for you.
posted by bruce at 12:52 PM on December 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

Start with expressions of enjoyment that aren't dirty and work your way up to that. Also, play a game and in bed, demand that she tell you what she wants. Act like she doesn't want to admit it and all of that. Then repeat back what she says all dirty.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:07 PM on December 10, 2013

Also make sounds of enjoyment. Some guys seem to get so used to masturbating and being quiet I swear you can give them mind blowing sex and barely get a grunt out of them. Don't fake it, but don't be afraid to make sounds of pleasure, moans, groans and sighs are hawt. They also might then make you less self conscious about talking dirty as you'll be used to actually making sound in the bedroom. Even a yes, yes, yes, like that groaned out is great and a simple place to start. Then add a yes, I love it when you xyz. Then as confidence grows move on to I love to xyz you, I'm going to xyz you so hard/all night/till you beg me to stop etc.
posted by wwax at 1:29 PM on December 10, 2013 [8 favorites]

Why not try being honest? Having someone talk frankly about how attractive they find you and the things they want to do to you is pretty damn exciting.

So ... do you find her attractive? What parts of her do you find most attractive? Does she wear clothing that you find sexy? Does she do things that make you feel good? Do you want to make her feel good? What things do you want to do to her? What things do you fantasize about doing to her that might not be practical IRL? Are there moments when you are having dinner or going on a walk or doing whatever when you have special sexy thoughts, or she does something that turns you on?

The answers to those questions (and hopefully there are at least 3-5 answers for each) are your raw material. Now work on expressing it in whatever way is most natural for you.

It might be fun to play with this by writing some tag-team erotic stories, or incorporating talk into foreplay.

It seems like the real hurdle for you is opening up and being vulnerable about your desire for her. That is exactly what makes it so hot. If you are just reciting lines that someone else told you would be good to say, it won't have the same impact for her.
posted by bunderful at 1:36 PM on December 10, 2013

Luckily, the woman I'm with does not seem put off easily, but I'm also trying not to make a fool of myself.

Don't worry about making a fool of yourself. If you do, it becomes a point of amusement and she'll probably be charmed by it in some way. Part of this is finding what works. So a few mistakes are totally natural as you two figure out what works for both of you.

When I ask her what things she'd want to hear me say, she seems disappointed as though she'd rather me just go with the moment rather than quiz her. She likes James Deen and the way he looks women in the eye and talks to them, but I don't know what he's saying

Then be in the moment and say whatever comes to mind. This isn't a board meeting or dinner with her parents. She's not looking for you to be usual nice and respectful way, but an animal and in this moment with her. There's just the two of you there, let your freak flag fly. If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know and then of course listen to her. Otherwise verb the shit out of her noun.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:46 PM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seconding Blitz here. Scenarios and fantasies with the two of you are great jumping off points, the dirtier the better. Bonus points for describing to her what kinky/sexy sort of thing she's wearing, what she looks like/feels like in it, and what she's about to do to you, the neighbor, the football team et al.
posted by pandalicious at 2:25 PM on December 10, 2013

I don't know if this was addressed above, but one thing that is useful is matching her terminology. There are a lot of ways to talk about bodies and sex, ranging from the sweet/cute to the harsh, and it makes sense to refer to her and her body in a way that's congruent with the terms she uses herself.

It might also be fun to read some smut together, out loud.
posted by feets at 8:27 PM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

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