How to support friend, untangle my issues, and set proper boundaries?
December 9, 2013 3:28 PM Subscribe
One of my best friends disclosed to me over the summer regarding a long-held secret that involves his sexuality in relation to physical identity, gender-expression, and self-esteem vis-a-vis body-dysphoria issues. I am trying to be supportive, but am afraid I've failed and become more of an enabler in the process. I feel like I'm being pressured to be his therapist & could use some advice re: how to proceed. Snowflakes apply; more inside.
(Me) I've spent this past year recovering from a major depressive episode, so I am struggling with my own issues right now, too. (Assume I'm doing all the right things to aid recovery.) I'm active in mental health and lgbtqia* areas & I participate in a peer-support group. I'm often the “counselor” in my friend-group; my friends know they can come to me for generally enthusiastic, warm, caring support. This is important to me, but if I'm not careful, it can derail into unhealthyness and get codependent-y and messy. I'm still learning proper balance in this regard.
(Friend) He is a socially conservative IT dude who is secretly active in the fetish community. His particular special interest overlaps some of my subcultural interests, more fashion-wise and not so much kink-wise. We have been friends for over a decade and aside from this specific issue, he's a good egg and we understand each other.
Friend has some physical issues that affect his abilities and appearance, and he's very, very hard on himself about this. He hasn't dated much and hasn't had a long-term serious relationship. He is self-admittedly terrified of intimacy and is very controlling of people as a result. I think he uses his special interest to feel better about himself and as an emotional crutch, but I'm concerned it's becoming unhealthy and obsessive. (Like, he's "escalating" since he disclosed to me.) He spends all of his free time outside of work focused on it, has isolated himself socially from potential dating partners, and he is both covetous and resentful of his desired gender of potential sexual partners bc he feels his issues make him an untouchable. He's given up and thinks he'll be alone for life, and is really bitter about it. I've suggested that he work on practicing better self-care for starters (healthier diet, mild exercise, put some effort into personal style, etc.) and also begin therapy to work on his issues.
The problem: I have let myself get way too involved in Friend's situation and he has become way too involved in mine, we've argued, and are now at an impasse. Friend has no other "conspirators" nearby other than me. (He's disclosed to an ex-gf but she no longer lives in the area.) He won't go to public scene-events because his physical issue makes him recognizable, and he is terrified of the potential work/social repercussions of being outed. I've agreed to be his “beard,” if you will, and so our outings often center around ways for him to engage in his special interest out of the closet. It's all he wants to do and all he wants to talk about. I think he's both a.) excited to finally be able to talk about it for real, and b.) using it as a means of bonding through shared troubles.
In return, Friend has helped me a lot these past few months, usually things like groceries, car rides when needed, etc. I can't afford to repay him yet but Friend says that “my support of him offsets his support of me, so we're even.” The thing is, we aren't really, and we both know it. Friend has begun to use his ability to help me financially to pressure me into supporting other aspects of his special interest, but I just can't “go there.” It's triggering, or it smacks straight into my feminist-filter, or I just personally have no interest in it. It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to. So he's not respecting my boundaries and that's really what we fought over. I've been relying on his support too much, so it's gotten mutually-exploity and that's bad. I am working through patterns like this in therapy and I'm finally able to see that this has gotten unhealthy, and that I can find other resources for support, without being put in a compromising ethical position in an important friendship.
I feel a lot of compassion and empathy for Friend. I want to support him in having healthy self-esteem and to feel better about himself as a person. I've been in the body-shamed camp myself and so I understand how hard it can be to feel good about yourself despite not being model-perfect. He is very resistant to the idea of actual therapy, though, so it's turned into this Catch-22 situation. I feel like, if I back off now, I'll seem like an uncaring hypocritical bastard, but I really need a break from being involved in this. It's been affecting my mental health more than I have cared to let on, and I'm starting to resent that.
Any advice as to how to proceed?
tl;dr: I am trying to support my friend who recently disclosed his sexual identity to me, but it is beginning to tax my emotional resources. We have allowed a semi-unhealthy pattern to develop and I need to take control of the situation and establish healthier boundaries. Advice requested.
Throwaway email is crossdressingfriend.help@gmail.com if you prefer to reply privately. Thanks in advance.
(Me) I've spent this past year recovering from a major depressive episode, so I am struggling with my own issues right now, too. (Assume I'm doing all the right things to aid recovery.) I'm active in mental health and lgbtqia* areas & I participate in a peer-support group. I'm often the “counselor” in my friend-group; my friends know they can come to me for generally enthusiastic, warm, caring support. This is important to me, but if I'm not careful, it can derail into unhealthyness and get codependent-y and messy. I'm still learning proper balance in this regard.
(Friend) He is a socially conservative IT dude who is secretly active in the fetish community. His particular special interest overlaps some of my subcultural interests, more fashion-wise and not so much kink-wise. We have been friends for over a decade and aside from this specific issue, he's a good egg and we understand each other.
Friend has some physical issues that affect his abilities and appearance, and he's very, very hard on himself about this. He hasn't dated much and hasn't had a long-term serious relationship. He is self-admittedly terrified of intimacy and is very controlling of people as a result. I think he uses his special interest to feel better about himself and as an emotional crutch, but I'm concerned it's becoming unhealthy and obsessive. (Like, he's "escalating" since he disclosed to me.) He spends all of his free time outside of work focused on it, has isolated himself socially from potential dating partners, and he is both covetous and resentful of his desired gender of potential sexual partners bc he feels his issues make him an untouchable. He's given up and thinks he'll be alone for life, and is really bitter about it. I've suggested that he work on practicing better self-care for starters (healthier diet, mild exercise, put some effort into personal style, etc.) and also begin therapy to work on his issues.
The problem: I have let myself get way too involved in Friend's situation and he has become way too involved in mine, we've argued, and are now at an impasse. Friend has no other "conspirators" nearby other than me. (He's disclosed to an ex-gf but she no longer lives in the area.) He won't go to public scene-events because his physical issue makes him recognizable, and he is terrified of the potential work/social repercussions of being outed. I've agreed to be his “beard,” if you will, and so our outings often center around ways for him to engage in his special interest out of the closet. It's all he wants to do and all he wants to talk about. I think he's both a.) excited to finally be able to talk about it for real, and b.) using it as a means of bonding through shared troubles.
In return, Friend has helped me a lot these past few months, usually things like groceries, car rides when needed, etc. I can't afford to repay him yet but Friend says that “my support of him offsets his support of me, so we're even.” The thing is, we aren't really, and we both know it. Friend has begun to use his ability to help me financially to pressure me into supporting other aspects of his special interest, but I just can't “go there.” It's triggering, or it smacks straight into my feminist-filter, or I just personally have no interest in it. It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to. So he's not respecting my boundaries and that's really what we fought over. I've been relying on his support too much, so it's gotten mutually-exploity and that's bad. I am working through patterns like this in therapy and I'm finally able to see that this has gotten unhealthy, and that I can find other resources for support, without being put in a compromising ethical position in an important friendship.
I feel a lot of compassion and empathy for Friend. I want to support him in having healthy self-esteem and to feel better about himself as a person. I've been in the body-shamed camp myself and so I understand how hard it can be to feel good about yourself despite not being model-perfect. He is very resistant to the idea of actual therapy, though, so it's turned into this Catch-22 situation. I feel like, if I back off now, I'll seem like an uncaring hypocritical bastard, but I really need a break from being involved in this. It's been affecting my mental health more than I have cared to let on, and I'm starting to resent that.
Any advice as to how to proceed?
tl;dr: I am trying to support my friend who recently disclosed his sexual identity to me, but it is beginning to tax my emotional resources. We have allowed a semi-unhealthy pattern to develop and I need to take control of the situation and establish healthier boundaries. Advice requested.
Throwaway email is crossdressingfriend.help@gmail.com if you prefer to reply privately. Thanks in advance.
I once had a close friend tell me, gently but clearly, that I needed to be in therapy to hash out the issues I was working through, and that he could no longer fill that role for me.
From everything you've said, this seems like an open and shut case for the same treatment. "Friend, I love you and want you to be happy, but I cannot be your therapist. You need to seek out someone who is properly qualified to help you with this."
My friend who did this also had a bit of a cooling off period where we didn't really hang out for a while, so I couldn't be tempted to say "OK yeah therapy sure" and then keep leaning on him.
posted by Sara C. at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
From everything you've said, this seems like an open and shut case for the same treatment. "Friend, I love you and want you to be happy, but I cannot be your therapist. You need to seek out someone who is properly qualified to help you with this."
My friend who did this also had a bit of a cooling off period where we didn't really hang out for a while, so I couldn't be tempted to say "OK yeah therapy sure" and then keep leaning on him.
posted by Sara C. at 3:44 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Friend has begun to use his ability to help me financially to pressure me into supporting other aspects of his special interest, but I just can't “go there.” It's triggering, or it smacks straight into my feminist-filter, or I just personally have no interest in it. It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to. So he's not respecting my boundaries and that's really what we fought over.
yeah, predatory behaviour and not ever okay. Disengage, you are not being a bad feminist or anything else by telling this guy to back off with the pressure.
posted by Mistress at 4:28 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
yeah, predatory behaviour and not ever okay. Disengage, you are not being a bad feminist or anything else by telling this guy to back off with the pressure.
posted by Mistress at 4:28 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Friend has helped me a lot these past few months, usually things like groceries, car rides when needed, etc. ... I've been relying on his support too much, so it's gotten mutually-exploity and that's bad.
He's helping you with groceries... in other words, he knows his friend is having trouble getting enough to eat and he sees an opportunity to trade that friend food in exchange for participating in his sexual fetish with him?
I don't see this as "mutually exploity," I see this as pretty shockingly callous of him. This is no way to treat so-called friends. Could you imagine? Finding out your friend didn't have enough to eat, and instead of just feeding your friend, trying to get them to trade you sexual gratification for food?
I'm sorry, I know that he is your friend and you consider him to be a good egg, and I know it upsets people sometimes to hear outside views of their friend's behavior that aren't very positive, but that is my view of the situation.
I think this is important because what you are doing is not actually helping your friend. It sounds like he is resistant to working on his actual problems around how he interacts with people, especially the gender he is attracted to. Being covetous and resentful towards people of this gender. Trading his friends food for sexual gratification. Being self-absorbed and self-centered. Doing absolutely no self-work. Getting into this mindset that he just needs to find someone who, in exchange for very little, will just give him his own way and let everything be centered around him and his fetishes, is not actually going to help him find an adult relationship with another human being who doesn't badly need financial help.
Setting firm boundaries is going to help him. Because ignoring and steamrolling over other people's boundaries is not going to help him find a relationship or even simply a full adult life. If he starts feeling like that is totally okay to do, he's just going to find himself more, and more isolated.
It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to.
Just do not discuss it or argue with him at all. You absolutely do not need to justify yourself to him in any way. Here is what you say.
"Bob, I'm not willing to do that with you. If you want, we can do X or Y."
When he argues, you say,
"I'm not willing to argue about this at all, and this is not up for discussion."
You don't have to be wide open to everything that anybody wants at any time in order to be a good friend or a good person. You don't have to go to the extent of self-harm to "be there" for someone who doesn't seem to be all that concerned with how his desires are affecting you.
posted by cairdeas at 4:38 PM on December 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
He's helping you with groceries... in other words, he knows his friend is having trouble getting enough to eat and he sees an opportunity to trade that friend food in exchange for participating in his sexual fetish with him?
I don't see this as "mutually exploity," I see this as pretty shockingly callous of him. This is no way to treat so-called friends. Could you imagine? Finding out your friend didn't have enough to eat, and instead of just feeding your friend, trying to get them to trade you sexual gratification for food?
I'm sorry, I know that he is your friend and you consider him to be a good egg, and I know it upsets people sometimes to hear outside views of their friend's behavior that aren't very positive, but that is my view of the situation.
I think this is important because what you are doing is not actually helping your friend. It sounds like he is resistant to working on his actual problems around how he interacts with people, especially the gender he is attracted to. Being covetous and resentful towards people of this gender. Trading his friends food for sexual gratification. Being self-absorbed and self-centered. Doing absolutely no self-work. Getting into this mindset that he just needs to find someone who, in exchange for very little, will just give him his own way and let everything be centered around him and his fetishes, is not actually going to help him find an adult relationship with another human being who doesn't badly need financial help.
Setting firm boundaries is going to help him. Because ignoring and steamrolling over other people's boundaries is not going to help him find a relationship or even simply a full adult life. If he starts feeling like that is totally okay to do, he's just going to find himself more, and more isolated.
It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to.
Just do not discuss it or argue with him at all. You absolutely do not need to justify yourself to him in any way. Here is what you say.
"Bob, I'm not willing to do that with you. If you want, we can do X or Y."
When he argues, you say,
"I'm not willing to argue about this at all, and this is not up for discussion."
You don't have to be wide open to everything that anybody wants at any time in order to be a good friend or a good person. You don't have to go to the extent of self-harm to "be there" for someone who doesn't seem to be all that concerned with how his desires are affecting you.
posted by cairdeas at 4:38 PM on December 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
Sometimes, I've had to say, "Look, I want you to get better/be able to deal with this, but I just don't have the skills to make that happen. You need a professional, not just my amateur work; I don't want to delay you from getting that help, and of course I'll support you through that process but I can't be the locus of it."
posted by klangklangston at 4:38 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by klangklangston at 4:38 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I feel like, if I back off now, I'll seem like an uncaring hypocritical bastard,
Don't worry about it seems. If the truth is that you care but need to draw back for your sake (especially since continuing to engage in this way is not actually healthy/helpful to your friend, then focus on that truth. He probably won't like it. He will probably say things to try to make you change your mind that are designed to make you feel like a bad friend. Do the right thing anyway.
posted by metahawk at 5:04 PM on December 9, 2013
Don't worry about it seems. If the truth is that you care but need to draw back for your sake (especially since continuing to engage in this way is not actually healthy/helpful to your friend, then focus on that truth. He probably won't like it. He will probably say things to try to make you change your mind that are designed to make you feel like a bad friend. Do the right thing anyway.
posted by metahawk at 5:04 PM on December 9, 2013
so it's turned into this Catch-22 situation. I feel like, if I back off now, I'll seem like an uncaring hypocritical bastard
I didn't understand how your friend's refusal to seek therapy is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation until you mentioned that he's manipulated you into feeling responsible for his emotional state. You feel like you will be perceived as uncaring etc because he wants you to feel like he needs you. He doesn't. Is he going to die if you tell him to go see a sex therapist instead of using you as a dressup proxy? No, he won't. He's a rich closeted IT guy and you need help with groceries. You are the one whose needs have to be taken care of right now. He is going to be fine. His emotional state is not the emergency right now, even though, through that mixture of controlling behavior and covetousness you've described, he has managed to convince you that it is. His job. Not yours.
I can't afford to repay him yet but Friend says that “my support of him offsets his support of me, so we're even.” The thing is, we aren't really, and we both know it.
Yeah, this is a wildly uneven situation, but not in the way you think it is.
Your friend is taking tremendous financial advantage of you. It's not okay for him to make you play both his therapist and his domina/crossdressing kink partner (If I'm misgendering you I apologize, I'm assuming you are female.) I know that the two of you have been friends for a long time, but right now he is trying to turn your friendship into a transactional relationship, and on top of that is not even compensating you fairly. It is cheap and exploitative of him to refuse to go to a professional for these professional services and to pressure you into performing these jobs, essentially for free. It is not okay for him to expect you to perform two or more emotionally labor-intensive jobs, which are very highly paid in the real world, in exchange for groceries and rides, and then guilt you into thinking you're the one who owes him something.
Everyone here has offered good lines for telling him to seek therapy, but I want to bold and highlight what cairdeas said here:
You don't have to be wide open to everything that anybody wants at any time in order to be a good friend or a good person. You don't have to go to the extent of self-harm to "be there" for someone who doesn't seem to be all that concerned with how his desires are affecting you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:21 PM on December 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
I didn't understand how your friend's refusal to seek therapy is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation until you mentioned that he's manipulated you into feeling responsible for his emotional state. You feel like you will be perceived as uncaring etc because he wants you to feel like he needs you. He doesn't. Is he going to die if you tell him to go see a sex therapist instead of using you as a dressup proxy? No, he won't. He's a rich closeted IT guy and you need help with groceries. You are the one whose needs have to be taken care of right now. He is going to be fine. His emotional state is not the emergency right now, even though, through that mixture of controlling behavior and covetousness you've described, he has managed to convince you that it is. His job. Not yours.
I can't afford to repay him yet but Friend says that “my support of him offsets his support of me, so we're even.” The thing is, we aren't really, and we both know it.
Yeah, this is a wildly uneven situation, but not in the way you think it is.
Your friend is taking tremendous financial advantage of you. It's not okay for him to make you play both his therapist and his domina/crossdressing kink partner (If I'm misgendering you I apologize, I'm assuming you are female.) I know that the two of you have been friends for a long time, but right now he is trying to turn your friendship into a transactional relationship, and on top of that is not even compensating you fairly. It is cheap and exploitative of him to refuse to go to a professional for these professional services and to pressure you into performing these jobs, essentially for free. It is not okay for him to expect you to perform two or more emotionally labor-intensive jobs, which are very highly paid in the real world, in exchange for groceries and rides, and then guilt you into thinking you're the one who owes him something.
Everyone here has offered good lines for telling him to seek therapy, but I want to bold and highlight what cairdeas said here:
You don't have to be wide open to everything that anybody wants at any time in order to be a good friend or a good person. You don't have to go to the extent of self-harm to "be there" for someone who doesn't seem to be all that concerned with how his desires are affecting you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:21 PM on December 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
You know what might also help him? Taking some time to realize that if he hangs out with liberals, most of them won't really give a shit about his peccadilloes. "Social conservative" plus closeted about whatever the fuck this is plays into each other. Unless he can't get off without ramming his cock down goose necks in some sort of fois gras fantasy, he's likely to find socially liberal surroundings almost tautologically more friendly.
posted by klangklangston at 7:00 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 7:00 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't over think this one. Your explanation clearly demonstrates someone that has really internalized this situation, but how much of this has been externalized? Have you tried saying no? No to Friend's extracurricular actives? No to grocery assistance? It seems like you are functioning in a co-dependant cycle, one that you are enthusiastically participating in. But this is pretty easy to fix. Just say no. If Friend has a problem with this, then maybe they are not really your friend. But I bet he just has no idea you feel this way.
posted by KMoney at 7:20 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by KMoney at 7:20 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
It makes me really uncomfortable, but I have difficulty articulating it in ways that he will listen to.
I'm not sure if one aspect of how it is difficult to articulate this boundary has to do with needing him to continue to help you buy food. If you don't have some other way to afford/acquire food, your survival instincts will make it difficult for you to not do the thing that the primitive part of your brain has linked to not starving to death.
If you are having trouble buying food, put on your own oxygen mask first here and look at food pantries or any other resources you can find. If you don't know where to look for that, call a women's shelter and tell them that you are looking for a way to get food without being around someone who violates your boundaries. You don't have to give your name or your friend's name.
As moonlight on vermont points out, it's like you have a very poorly paid job here. If you can get to where you don't feel pressured to keep that job, you will have a much easier time enforcing your boundaries.
secretly active in the fetish community
It sounds like he doesn't feel the part of the community he is involved with would keep his secrets very secret, or be very accepting. There might be other groups around where he would be more comfortable, or groups that meet more privately. Crossdressing is hardly uncommon -- on the other hand, if he really gets off on it being secret, but is unhappy with having to keep it secret, well, if he decides to try therapy he should look for a kink friendly therapist.
If you are suggesting therapy to him it can be good to frame it as something that you feel you don't have enough skills to help with, and to mention some specific things he might want to talk about in therapy -- if he feels unhappy about being as obsessed with it as he is, and spending as much free time on this as he is, those are are things that an accepting (screen for that) therapist can help with.
It's possible to accept someone's activities without participating in them. It's certainly not hypocritical -- if could only express acceptance through participation, you wouldn't have time to be accepting of more than a few things! And you can be accepting about someone else's preferences while letting them know that you don't share them and won't be doing those things with them.
posted by yohko at 7:39 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure if one aspect of how it is difficult to articulate this boundary has to do with needing him to continue to help you buy food. If you don't have some other way to afford/acquire food, your survival instincts will make it difficult for you to not do the thing that the primitive part of your brain has linked to not starving to death.
If you are having trouble buying food, put on your own oxygen mask first here and look at food pantries or any other resources you can find. If you don't know where to look for that, call a women's shelter and tell them that you are looking for a way to get food without being around someone who violates your boundaries. You don't have to give your name or your friend's name.
As moonlight on vermont points out, it's like you have a very poorly paid job here. If you can get to where you don't feel pressured to keep that job, you will have a much easier time enforcing your boundaries.
secretly active in the fetish community
It sounds like he doesn't feel the part of the community he is involved with would keep his secrets very secret, or be very accepting. There might be other groups around where he would be more comfortable, or groups that meet more privately. Crossdressing is hardly uncommon -- on the other hand, if he really gets off on it being secret, but is unhappy with having to keep it secret, well, if he decides to try therapy he should look for a kink friendly therapist.
If you are suggesting therapy to him it can be good to frame it as something that you feel you don't have enough skills to help with, and to mention some specific things he might want to talk about in therapy -- if he feels unhappy about being as obsessed with it as he is, and spending as much free time on this as he is, those are are things that an accepting (screen for that) therapist can help with.
It's possible to accept someone's activities without participating in them. It's certainly not hypocritical -- if could only express acceptance through participation, you wouldn't have time to be accepting of more than a few things! And you can be accepting about someone else's preferences while letting them know that you don't share them and won't be doing those things with them.
posted by yohko at 7:39 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are plenty of books, support groups and events to help men figure out crossdressing's meaning and role in their lives, including how to handle the euphoria that comes from revealing one's true self to sympathetic friends, families and love interests. That euphoria is what your friend is experiencing and it's a known phenomenon. Everyone who cares for a crossdresser has been in your shoes; it may take months for your friend to regain equilibrium. As you bow out or taper down your engagement, steer him to www.crossdressers.com and www.tri-ess.org (and there are others) where he'll find a vibrant, discreet and supportive community that can help him navigate these waters and where he can offer help to other CD newbies.
posted by carmicha at 9:11 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by carmicha at 9:11 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Any advice as to how to proceed?
Bear in mind at all times that there are good and sufficient reasons for fitting your own oxygen mask first.
posted by flabdablet at 9:39 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Bear in mind at all times that there are good and sufficient reasons for fitting your own oxygen mask first.
posted by flabdablet at 9:39 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Trannies can sometimes be selfish, crazy jerks. I say this as a tranny, myself. Many of us have spent our whole lives in denial, desperately trying not to be ourselves, trying to pretend we're these large, joyless, ugly creatures society sees us as. I've often compared it to growing up wearing a hot, itchy gorilla suit, one that you can't take off without everybody you know shrieking in horror. It can make us very angry and depressed and ingrown, and when we finally come out it's not so surprising that there can be a lot of crap to work through.
So I feel for this guy, I really do. (I am calling him a he because you did and I don't know his preference.) He's spent his life in misery and he's finally come out, and you're the one person who has been supporting him through it all. But I feel for you too, and it sounds like he's just asking for too much. If you don't want to go out with him at all anymore, you are entitled to say that. If you would still like to go out sometimes or help him other ways, you are entitled to say that, too. Maybe there is a compromise that will satisfy both of you.
I don't really see how having you as his "beard" is going to make him less recognizable. I suspect it's more about having a friend along so he doesn't have to do these scary things alone. You won't be a bad friend if you start pushing him to do some of the things he needs to do to be happier. You can draw a sharp boundary, and still be supportive. You need to sit down with him and work out a plan to get you both where you want to be. What is it going to take to make him a happy, out cross-dresser, what do you want out of your friendship, and how can you both achieve your goals?
Right now you're working too hard to satisfy him half-way. You're not his lover, and you're apparently not as into this as he wants you to be. You are helping him scratch an itch that desperately needs scratching, but he's not really treating his rash. If he's come out this much, he needs to KEEP coming out, and get serious about therapy and finding new people to share his new self with. If you can convince him of this, it'd be the best thing you can ever do for him as a friend.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:36 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
So I feel for this guy, I really do. (I am calling him a he because you did and I don't know his preference.) He's spent his life in misery and he's finally come out, and you're the one person who has been supporting him through it all. But I feel for you too, and it sounds like he's just asking for too much. If you don't want to go out with him at all anymore, you are entitled to say that. If you would still like to go out sometimes or help him other ways, you are entitled to say that, too. Maybe there is a compromise that will satisfy both of you.
I don't really see how having you as his "beard" is going to make him less recognizable. I suspect it's more about having a friend along so he doesn't have to do these scary things alone. You won't be a bad friend if you start pushing him to do some of the things he needs to do to be happier. You can draw a sharp boundary, and still be supportive. You need to sit down with him and work out a plan to get you both where you want to be. What is it going to take to make him a happy, out cross-dresser, what do you want out of your friendship, and how can you both achieve your goals?
Right now you're working too hard to satisfy him half-way. You're not his lover, and you're apparently not as into this as he wants you to be. You are helping him scratch an itch that desperately needs scratching, but he's not really treating his rash. If he's come out this much, he needs to KEEP coming out, and get serious about therapy and finding new people to share his new self with. If you can convince him of this, it'd be the best thing you can ever do for him as a friend.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:36 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
"Wanted to add an update after reading the replies:posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:31 AM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I should've included that I am a cisgendered, bi woman and my friend is a cisgendered, straight ("but-not-narrow") man.
My situation isn't quite as dire as it sounds; I do get SNAP benefits and I have access to a community food bank. Funds are just really tight right now since I am not back to work yet, so sometimes he was helping with groceries here and there to do something constructive to help me out. I was trying to play along for a while...like, we'd get all tarted up and go out on the town or go look at clothes or whatever. I do enjoying going clubbing on occasion or going to scene shows, so I have a few outfits that are similar to what he enjoys. (Like I said, we like a lot of the same things fashion-wise.) It was fun at first but after a while it did start to feel like a job, and he kept trying to nudge things to the next level.
I am embarrassed that I have been putting up with his behavior this long, to be honest. Friend has outright, ah, "requested my services." I get that he is frustrated and he feels safer with someone he already knows, but ffs, that's going way, way too far. We are strictly platonic friends; he knows this. And yeah, yohko, for a while there I felt like, "Welp, gotta just grit my teeth and deal with his smarmy comments, bc sometimes I need his help, we're still friends and hang out, etc." I treated the request in a jokey-sarcastic, "Pfft, you wish!" manner, but it was deeply offensive to me and really made me feel like shit and disrespected.
I wish he were more aware of privilege theory, but I don't think he's at a place yet to even consider it. Long story short, I appreciated that he felt secure enough in our friendship to share this with me (he did hide it well), and of course I want to be supportive. But his circumstance doesn't give him leeway to be an asshat about it.
Well, thank you everyone for the comments, very much so. They've given me some food for thought and have firmed up my resolve to tell Friend that play-time is absolutely over for now. I will direct him to the resources that were posted."
Okay somehow I read your post and thought he was gay; knowing that you are a member of the resented/coveted gender of his choice changes things A LOT. I dont' think I made it clear in the last reply but NO IT IS NOT OKAY FOR THIS PERSON TO EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY PRESSURE YOU INTO DOING SEX WORK FOR HIM, NO IT IS NOT OKAY FOR HIM TO TRY TO BUY YOU AS A GIRLFRIEND OR SEX PARTNER. IT IS NOT OK FOR HIM TO GUILT YOU INTO BEING HIS LOVER. Okay. Psa over. Anon, please stay safe.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:31 AM on December 10, 2013
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:31 AM on December 10, 2013
The OP update does indeed change things. I wasn't sure of the OP's gender, and hadn't gotten the impression that he was pressuring her to participate in sex acts. I thought they were clearly friends and no more. The extra info makes his behavior a lot less sympathetic than I thought it was, and now her acceptance of his financial help does sound like it's possibly edging into prostitution. It sounds like their friendship has gone down a very dark path, and it's now less important for her to support him than it is for her to pull out of a bad situation and protect herself. Maybe they can salvage their friendship at some point, but for now things have just gone too wrong and she needs to get out.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:59 PM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:59 PM on December 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
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If you don't want to do something (the supporting other aspects you mentioned), you don't have to make a case for it. You only have to say no: No, I'm not interested. No, I don't want that. No, I'm sorry, I know this is important to you, but that is not something I'm comfortable with. No, I've told you no several times now, and you persist in trying to push through my boundaries, and I am stating for the record that this is not okay.
He'll whine and cry and probably he'll try to hold money over your head somehow. Persist. You cannot be his only outlet for this and it's not fair of him to expect that or ask for it.
He can join Fetlife if he wants to, and lurk on local groups and be a known quantity online before he does so in person. That way, he'll get a better sense of who's cool and who's not going to try to out him.
And he probably won't, but it's not important, because his well-being is his job, not yours. You've fallen into a pattern where he's tried to convince you otherwise, but trust me: his job. Not yours. Guilt will happen, because it does, but you need to back off - it's the healthiest thing for everyone.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:39 PM on December 9, 2013 [6 favorites]