Can/Should I rebuild trust in an LDR? How difficult might that be?
December 9, 2013 11:26 AM   Subscribe

I broke up with my LDR significant other ("SO") because of SO's emotional affair, which SO concealed from me. Is my regret and doubt for breaking up with SO a signal to reconcile or a natural part of the loss?

I was recently in an LDR for about 2 years. We are 28. We saw each other once a month. When the relationship started and we became exclusive, I was dating someone else and stopped shortly thereafter. I never told the SO about the prior indiscretion (spoiler alert: double standard!). SO's career is narrowly focused and exists exclusively in the city where SO currently lives. My career has some mobility to it, although re-locating is not easy. SO and I had a lot of physical attraction and compatibility with one another. I sense this attraction as well as the psuedo-mystery/excitement of LDR kept us together. We had discussed long-term plans and met each other's family. A year into the relationship, SO had declared SO's love for me, only to have me respond by breaking up with SO and then reconciling a week or two later. SO then provided an ultimatum that I had to decide whether or not I am in love with SO by a certain date ("point X"). By point X, I decided that I was in love.

Benchmarking against past relationships, I at times had felt a bit unfulfilled in this relationship in two respects. First, I prefer to investigate and discuss ideas more than SO. One can refer to this as a disagreement in the appropriate amount of "intellectualism" (or how cerebral we are). Second, although SO's and my sense of humor overlap, SO rarely makes me laugh (at least not a belly bursting laugh the way others do) nor does SO seem to enjoy a lot of my humor or ill-timed frivolous nature. These issues alone were insufficient to end the relationship.

SO tells white lies, which SO generally attributed to poor memory or embarrassment. SO's white lies became more suspicious. For instance, SO went abroad shortly before point X. SO later volunteered that SO had met an individual on the trip who later sent SO a romantic gift. Given my surprise that someone would do such a thing for someone else in an exclusive relationship, SO revealed that although no cheating occurred, SO "connected" with the gift-giver on the trip and even expressed doubts to gift-giver regarding SO's and my relationship (prior to point X). SO shortly thereafter introduced a password on her cellphone. I discover (not through SO) that in between the delivery of the ultimatim and point X, SO had an ongoing interaction with another person for a month or two. This interaction included spending multiple evenings alone, cooking dinner together, watching movies, dancing, massages, talking on a daily basis, sharing certain sexually-desirous thoughts (e.g., "I want you"), and discussing sexual preferences (e.g., not preferring it "rough"). At the time, SO and I were not communicating daily or or very well; I was incredibly busy with work and not a very good partner in this respect. SO had also somewhat emotionally withdrawn due to my (at the time) unreciprocated declaration of love.

Because I could not reveal how I discovered the emotional affair, I confronted SO merely on the general topic. We discussed and agreed that any behavior even providing the appearance of dating others would likely be inappropriate, and at the least, should be shared openly between us. SO promised to be honest going forward. A few weeks later, I discover that SO went to a film with a person who may have been courting SO. SO did not physically cheat that evening because we spoke after the event. But SO lied and claimed to be doing something else that evening with friends. Upon confrontation, SO copped to the lie, albeit noting that the movie-goer was merely expressing a platonic interest. SO decided to lie, SO claimed, because SO was concerned that I would become unnecessarily worried or jealous. Given this explanation, I invited SO to "come clean" about all past events that SO may have concealed. SO provided a crumb where I wanted the whole cookie: SO revealed that SO actually had considered, shortly before point X, whether SO would leave me for the gift-giver. I tried to beat around the bush re: the emotional affair, and SO only said that the interaction with that person did not pan out.

SO profusely apologized, expressed regret, and asked what SO could do to rebuild trust and offered to provide all passwords to electronic media. The last point struck me as (a) not fool-proof because SO can still find a way to be dishonest (particularly in LDR), and (b) problematic because the desire or need to monitor SO's activities appears to be the antithesis of a trusting and healthy relationship. SO also began to offer to move to me (or at least try as much as I would try to move to SO) in the coming years. SO's moving could require a career sacrifice on SO's part and engender eventual bitterness. After (perhaps artificially) fast-tracking my view of the relationship of SO (e.g., whether I could envision spending my life with SO), I left SO. Given that this was the first individual with whom I was in love, the pain is very new. SO continues to be on my mind rather consistently, including resisting the temptation to reveal to SO my knowledge of SO's prior indiscretions. I have followed the general advice I have seen in other threads: exercise, seeing a therapist, friends/family, hobbies, etc. This has done little to change the lingering questions, which I present below:

QUESTIONS:
(1) Am I being too hasty - acting on feelings of anger and hurt - in ending this relationship? Or is it appropriate to believe that your partner must be someone you trust unconditionally? That is, at the age of 28, is honesty (or the lack thereof) with a partner a character trait that one cannot change?

(2) Are you aware of anyone who has rebuilt trust in an LDR? (If you have experienced being in love with a partner in an LDR whom you did not trust, I would be interested to know if you came to a resolution.)

(3) For those who have left a loved one under similar circumstances (at least the lack of trust part), did you view your doubt and regret as healthy or a signal that a decision was made hastily? (I have also been told that if one is truly in love, they work through most any issues.)

I am interested in others' potentially relevant experiences or insight, albeit realizing YMMV. Thank you.
posted by sciolisticfelix to Human Relations (14 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Oh, gosh. You don't have proof of physical cheating, but you're dreaming if you think it didn't happen. Dreaming.

I had a relationship that ended in cheating, was apart for a while, got back together, and it ended again (more cheating, but it was doomed anyway). This person had very similar patterns of lying - both about the cheating, and just lying to impress people; only dribbling out the truth as it became necessary; hiding things; generally acting suspicious; etc. Two things I learned for good:

1) Don't let yourself get drawn into this thing where you turn into an amateur PI because you're looking for "proof". You know what's going on, you don't need any more proof. Out of everything I've ever done in my relationships in my life, this is the thing I'm most ashamed of. Should have just walked with my dignity.

2) You should only even consider getting back together if you're positive you can let this go 100% and rededicate yourself to the relationship. That doesn't mean forgetting it, but it means not halfassing the relationship because you're holding a grudge.

But geez, don't get the grass-is-greener syndrome here. Of course you miss this person, but the flaws here don't sound like some one-time crime of opportunity, like what would happen if my wife found herself trapped on a desert island with Hugh Jackman; this sounds like a character issue. My estimation is that you should leave this one where it is.
posted by ftm at 1:17 PM on December 9, 2013


As someone who has struggled with attaching to people who are unhealthy for me, I would advise you to leave this relationship, to *BLOCK* contact. To torch the bridge.

You'll be happier if you treat trust as non-negotiable, and dishonesty as a deal-breaker.

Now, here is the part where I project my own personal experience onto your situation. Depending on what patterns were established in your childhood, you may have developed the idea that sucking it up, and over-extending yourself with trust and giving the benefit of the doubt were part of what made you a good person. It may have been an emotional survival strategy you had to adopt as a child if the people who were supposed to take care of you were abusive or had substance abuse problems or mental illness.

So forgiving that person would make those failures go away, make you feel secure again, and make you feel like a good person, and it was the only choice because as a child you were forced to be there.

As a grown-up, you can choose to leave, but those patterns can be so ingrained that it can feel like you're being flayed alive to leave someone who mistreats you, when you've been conditioned all your life to preserve that bond. They can also draw untrustworthy people to you if you don't have the boundaries to keep them out.

So, I think you should leave this person, and be careful about entering another relationship until you are sure that you won't tolerate mistreatment, and can trust yourself to assert boundaries if the person you are seeing starts acting dodgy.

I would read Baggage Reclaim.
posted by alphanerd at 1:30 PM on December 9, 2013 [14 favorites]


We don't know what happened. We do know that whatever feelings you have about something are not objective signs that a particular course of action should or should not be taken. They are emotional reactions to the event. What you should do is what you rationally think to be your best course of action.

Given the information above, my advice would be find someone else.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:35 PM on December 9, 2013


SO then provided an ultimatum that I had to decide whether or not I am in love with SO by a certain date ("point X").

What the hell? Emotional entanglements, long-distance drama, sleuthing, lies ... none of this is good for you. And ultimatums are no good for anyone.
posted by headnsouth at 1:35 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you were starting today from scratch, and you knew what you know now about SO, would you choose to enter into a long-distance relationship with her? I mean, sure, maybe it's *possible* to make this relationship work, but do you even want to?

Here's the short short version of how you describe your relationship: You don't trust SO; you decided that you were in love with SO when SO told you that the relationship would end unless you said you were in love; you get along with each other pretty well and are physically attracted to each other. Maybe you left out the good stuff? But I don't know that I would go to a lot of effort over that relationship. Cut off contact and move on with your life.
posted by mskyle at 1:46 PM on December 9, 2013


Yes, you are right to end this relationship. I'd be surprised if anyone told you otherwise.

And yes, it is absolutely normal to feel doubt, regret, or the desire for one more chance upon ending a relationship. That feeling has zero correlation with how good the relationship was, or how appropriate your decision to break up was. None whatsoever.

Allow yourself to grieve this relationship, but do not go back to it. You've made the right move and the hardest part is sticking to that decision.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:56 PM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


from what you've written i have a really hard time believing you were ever in love with this SO. no, do not get back together.
posted by wildflower at 2:03 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


You don't sound like you loved your SO or that you ever trusted them. Let it go
posted by spunweb at 2:30 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


You were very right to end this. LDR is generally best avoided unless participating parties are financing renovations at the same address.
posted by parmanparman at 2:55 PM on December 9, 2013


Nthing the very clinical nature of this question.

It does seem rather arbitrary to provide a date and time where someone must have a certain feeling otherwise it's over. I understand making a point of - "I want a serious relationship, and how long am I going to wait for this person to want to be in a serious relationship with me" - but there is a way to make those internal decisions and stating that by Monday you must love me or it's over, is not the way to do it.

Deciding that you loved SO so that the relationship wouldn't end by Monday is not how one "decides" to be in love. You don't connect intellectually or as friends, and SO lies about whereabouts, contact of a sexual nature (Saying I want you to one another means platonic is out the window and all contact at that point is, at minimum, sexually charged). What part of this relationship is bringing you joy other than you are physically attracted to SO? What part of this relationship is work the long and hard fight to rebuild trust? From the way you have posed this question, it sounds like there is nothing redeeming about your relationship to make working around her lies, and your assumed disinterest.

I had a LDR for 3 years, and breaking it off after he had an emotional affair was the best decision I ever made. It was very freeing to not worry about who they were with when they were out, and if he was lying to me. Stay apart and don't look back.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 2:57 PM on December 9, 2013


Is my regret and doubt for breaking up with SO a signal to reconcile or a natural part of the loss?

Short answer: These are not mutually exclusive.

In my experience, it was extremely hard to rebuild broken trust over long distance with someone with whom I had a profound and growing emotional and physical disconnect. It wasn't too long into the second take that I broke it off permanently because even at its best, the relationship wasn't enough for me and I really believed that I could do better. This was also my first "serious" relationship.
posted by sm1tten at 3:55 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Outside of religious cults or full-body casts, two adult human beings cannot be alone in a room giving each other massages and talking about how much they want each other without something else happening.

This person is a cheater. You were wise to dump them.
posted by gentian at 4:20 PM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]


Doing a cost/benefit analysis here I see the following: Costs: Two years with only monthly visits. Very clear indications of the person's inability to be faithful. Acknowledgement of intellectual incompatability. Benefits: I don't see any. Rebuilding trust? It doesn't seem like you had much to begin with. Please allow the (very natural) process of grieving to run its course and move on.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 8:17 AM on December 10, 2013


Response by poster: Thank you for all your comments.

As for the notes about leaving out the "good stuff" (mskyle), the doubts that I was in love with or trusted SO (wildflower; spunweb), and the clinical nature of the question (Suffocating Kitty), perhaps I should clarify: there was good stuff in our positive shared experiences and the love that we shared, about which I certainly could be more effusive (e.g., great sex, our compatibility, getting lost in the other's eyes, feeling at peace with the other, etc.). But that all aside, the lack of trust remains a damning obstacle, as various posters have helpfully pointed out.

alphanerd - Thank you for the Baggage Reclaim rec.
posted by sciolisticfelix at 9:41 PM on December 10, 2013


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