Finding a gym partner in unique circumstances

December 6, 2013 8:25 AM

I have a lot of trouble getting motivated to go to the gym and staying motivated once I'm there. I need a gym partner, but snowflake details are making it difficult.

So over the past year I've been making shambling steps towards fitness, mainly centered around 5-Factor Fitness, which I love because it gives really precise reps, rests, and exercises and the workouts are only 30-40 minutes long. My goals are appearance based, I'm not kidding myself. My BMI is 29 and I'm tired of the spare tire. I go to my apartment complex's gym, which is pretty decent for what it is.

I'm having trouble motivating myself to 1) Get to the gym, and 2) Work out hard once I'm there. What I really need is a gym partner.

Here are the issues I'm facing:

I just started my first 8-5 job, and I work out in the morning at around 6 because I'm terrible about exercising after work. I come home to change and I never leave.

A lot of mornings, I dawdle getting out of bed and making my breakfast smoothie, and by the time I get to the gym it's 6:30. I do half the workout and then go to work.

When working out, I don't really push myself, though I try to. My form isn't good, and I'm not working as hard as I know I should, because I feel like no one's holding me accountable.

I'm not in good shape, and I'm pretty weak for a guy my size. I'm embarrassed by it, and I feel like most guys my age (23) are much stronger than me and want a gym partner who can match them.

I need help. How can I get and stay motivated? How can I find someone to work out with who won't make me feel ashamed of how far behind I am? More general tips about fitness are also welcomed if you think they'll be helpful.

posted by nickhb to Health & Fitness (8 answers total)

Don't go to your apartment first. Take your workout clothes and a power bar or somesuch with you to work in the morning, then change and have a snack before you leave. When you get to your apartment complex, go straight to the gym.

Think of your day as "work, gym, home." Three distinct segments. You only get to go home after the gym.
posted by Etrigan at 8:34 AM on December 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Take it easy on yourself! You don't have to push yourself to your limits every day and if you skip some of the exercises sometimes, who cares? You're still there, doing it, which is more than a lot of people do. I would try to focus on just getting up and going, making it an unskippable habit, for a while. Once you're in a routine, then you can start worrying about pushing yourself.

You might consider going to an off-site gym that puts some distance between your workout area and your apartment. Or, if you can afford it, schedule some sessions with a personal trainer.

Also: I'm also a morning-or-not-at-all gym person, and I've found that it helps me a lot more to focus on working out for non-weight-loss reasons rather than it being a thing I'm doing to try to lose weight. I have a bad back and I know if I lift weights it feels better, so that's my motivation for now.
posted by something something at 8:48 AM on December 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

My workout partner is a lifelong fitness guru. When we started working out together I didn't know anything other than the fact that I wanted to look better. I'm also in the mid-20's range. After not missing a day in the gym for nearly a year now I have closed the gap in our fitness differences (read: he still is in much better shape than myself, but I have learned a lot and kinda know what I'm doing now). But never missing the gym really comes from him holding me accountable. As an avid people watcher, I see a lot of people working out together in the gym where it seems like one person is the more experienced lifter. I would venture to say if you approached a peer that you know works out and say something along the lines of "you're really in great shape, and I would love to workout with you but I'm pretty inexperienced." They would be super flattered and would love to help you out. This may mean joining their gym versus using the one in your apartment, but think of it as an investment towards your future self.
posted by Stan Grossman at 8:49 AM on December 6, 2013

Do they have to be there with you? BecauseiI'll definitely bug you long distance about going.
posted by theichibun at 8:54 AM on December 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

Are you sure that you need a workout partner? What makes you say that the partner is what will make you go? It makes sense to me, it works very well, but what exactly is it that the partner will do for you? Motivate you to push yourself harder? Make sure that you show up? Maybe write down what you think a workout partner could do for you, and see if there are other tricks you can do to get you there.

Once you are feeling more confident, it may be easier for you to get a friend to work out with you.

Exercising should not feel depressing or humiliating! Recognizing where you are and being okay with that is the first step to really starting to kick ass.

Another option is to try wearing an activity tracker. I just got a Fitbit Flex, and my sort of sad and sorry efforts to get in shape have become much more focused and useful.

I was sort of where you were, my workouts were halfassed and I would skip out on just a few too many of them to start to see real results. It all felt pretty pointless but still very difficult and I was seriously hatin' on myself because of it. What I like about the fitbit is that it challenges you to fill a bar up with steps, and then it becomes a little easier to just say "ok, I will just walk on the treadmill until I get one more dot" instead of pushing yourself farther than you are ready.

Might work for you, if you can afford it, I suggest you give it a try.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:57 AM on December 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Dude, if you can, find a bootcamp (HIIT is great for mood elevation and motivation) or a gym that offers morning classes (like spinning). You need great instruction without the 1-on-1 intimidation. I did this for years and it was great. For someone in your position I would pass on personal training. It's prohibitively expensive and you can get the same results in class. Save that for later, or not at all.

I'm also a morning person. Can't even fathom going to the gym after work. Do the class. Trust me. Try to be a little outgoing. Make a friend or two. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone's at the gym for the same reason as you. And in class you'll see some serious fatasses that will make you feel better about yourself. If you cut yourself some slack, you'll realize this is a positive lifestyle change that will only get more awesome with time, and you know who is the only winner? You.
posted by phaedon at 10:08 AM on December 6, 2013

I do an interval class twice a week and work with a trainer once a week - incentives - 1, it's prepaid and 2 they'll give me grief if I skip. Besides, it's fun and I get pushed much harder than I could push myself and try things I wouldn't have known to try.
posted by leslies at 10:50 AM on December 6, 2013

Best answer: Sorry to chime in late to the party. I agree with others--if you can afford to, put some money down. Hire a trainer for a few sessions (and mention your motivation issues to him or her, so they'll professionally nag you about it), or sign up for a class. If you don't have good form, or know how to use certain machines, or if you can't make yourself hold that pose for two minutes no cheating ohgodwhywon'ttheclockmoveithurtsI'mgoingtostop GAH, they'll help you with that; at least, there will be a scheduled time when you know (and the instructor knows, and the other people in the class know) you're supposed to be there! Don't beat yourself up about not doing it perfectly enough (I mean, try to learn the right ways, so you don't injure yourself), just keep doing it and you *will* see results eventually.

When I saw your title that you had "unique circumstances," I was expecting to read that you lived alone on a lighthouse or worked midnight shifts and had a backwards schedule from everyone you knew or needed a wheelchair-compatible gym or something. No offense, but your circumstances sound 100% completely ordinary to me! You're not as fit as you'd like to be, and you'd like to get a little fitter. It's hard to make yourself go to the gym, even when it's just downstairs. Sounds like almost everybody.

But that's good for you! Ask around. I'd be surprised if you don't know someone else who wants to get fitter. Does the other person need to be a man? Do they need to be "ahead" of you--can they be someone who's currently physically weaker but significantly more motivated and will get both your variously-sized butts out the door to the gym where you'll carry out your respective workouts and cheer each other's progress on? How's your social group on this kind of thing, and how do they treat food (which is the other big part of this equation)? People tend to do what's normal for the people they hang out with, so it can be really hard if you're working against the grain all the time. Just something to be aware of--if you're the only one of your friends who is working out, or saying no to the pizza and beer or whatever, it can feel like a huge imposition and like a really big deal. But lots of people do.

If you're 23 and starting your first 8-5 job, are you recently out of college? Yeah, a lot of things'll be pretty different for awhile. Adjusting to all of the changes at the same time probably makes it even harder. But that's OK. And you've got a big start.


It sounds like you've got 1. trouble getting yourself to go to the gym, 2. trouble getting yourself to push yourself once you're there, 3. you're intimidated by the idea that you're "behind" and don't want to ask people to help you because you're ashamed of that.

You might be able to solve 1 and 2 by paying for a trainer, class, or gym-outside-your-house membership. Maybe you can get into a sport or get your friends to start playing pick-up games--as you recognize, having someone else rely on you is a big motivator. For number 3, can you just...ask? People are a lot less judge-y about these things than you think. Most people would be flattered! Those people you think wouldn't want to help you are probably themselves wishing that they were more fit than they are now, or that someone had told them X helpful thing when they got started, or really enjoy teaching and find it motivating themselves. Worst thing that could happen, is you really don't push each other very well, and you go back to where you are right now, right?

You're doing great. I wish I'd tried harder, earlier, to get fit. But I'm working on it, and so are you. You've got to start from somewhere. Fitness isn't a road where there's a clear beginning and end. It's a continuous and internal journey toward a healthier body and mind. Even if you're just doing it to look better, this is the case. People who are at any given place on the road aren't necessarily ahead or behind of each other, any more than cars in neighboring lanes on the highway came from the same place or are going to the same place. Don't worry about where you think you should be by now, just work on getting to the place you want, starting from where you are. Good luck!
posted by spelunkingplato at 11:51 AM on December 8, 2013