How to peacefully kill a long-term relationship
October 11, 2005 3:52 PM Subscribe
I love my girlfriend but I'm starting to think I need to move on. I've never broken up with anyone before. Help.
We've been together in a long distance capacity for almost six years. Over the past year or so she's started to show less interest in me, and perhaps even take me for granted; she hasn't told me she loved me in at least that long and I feel like maybe we're still together out of inertia. We live apart, but if we're staying together she'll leave me to do all the cleaning, cooking, food buying and so on. We often go out to dinner, and I always pay. She rarely initiates shows of affection. In some ways I feel taken advantage of, and I can't live like this forever, although she shows willingness to (and now wants to move in with me in order to take a job). Other people occasionally show an interest, and I start to think maybe ...
But there are so many good and beautiful things about her. I love her. I know breaking up will hurt her, and I can't bear to do that. I don't know where to start. I really need advice.
We've been together in a long distance capacity for almost six years. Over the past year or so she's started to show less interest in me, and perhaps even take me for granted; she hasn't told me she loved me in at least that long and I feel like maybe we're still together out of inertia. We live apart, but if we're staying together she'll leave me to do all the cleaning, cooking, food buying and so on. We often go out to dinner, and I always pay. She rarely initiates shows of affection. In some ways I feel taken advantage of, and I can't live like this forever, although she shows willingness to (and now wants to move in with me in order to take a job). Other people occasionally show an interest, and I start to think maybe ...
But there are so many good and beautiful things about her. I love her. I know breaking up will hurt her, and I can't bear to do that. I don't know where to start. I really need advice.
The title says "peacefully kill a long-term relationship". Well, you might not be able to. Breaking up is messy. It's never the right time (e.g., she wants to move in with you.) It will hurt her at first. That's just how breakups usually go.
But breaking up with someone, even if you hurt them in the process, isn't something to feel guilty about. Sometimes it's the Right Thing To Do. Being with someone you shouldn't really be with, just because you want to spare them the pain of a breakup, is ultimately destructive for both parties.
You need to start thinking a little bit selfishly - you have an obligation to make decisions, within ethical boundaries, that keep you happy and healthy.
posted by lbergstr at 4:36 PM on October 11, 2005
But breaking up with someone, even if you hurt them in the process, isn't something to feel guilty about. Sometimes it's the Right Thing To Do. Being with someone you shouldn't really be with, just because you want to spare them the pain of a breakup, is ultimately destructive for both parties.
You need to start thinking a little bit selfishly - you have an obligation to make decisions, within ethical boundaries, that keep you happy and healthy.
posted by lbergstr at 4:36 PM on October 11, 2005
You'll have better luck peacefully killing her than killing this relationship.
You should talk abou this stuff, why you're upset, and either get a commitment to change (and a set time period to work things out), or give the ol' "I gotta see other people" heave ho. (In fact, seeing other people in a long distance relationship doesn't mean that you have to end the relationship, though that often happens. Just be honest about it though...)
posted by klangklangston at 5:23 PM on October 11, 2005
You should talk abou this stuff, why you're upset, and either get a commitment to change (and a set time period to work things out), or give the ol' "I gotta see other people" heave ho. (In fact, seeing other people in a long distance relationship doesn't mean that you have to end the relationship, though that often happens. Just be honest about it though...)
posted by klangklangston at 5:23 PM on October 11, 2005
Long distance relationship for SIX YEARS? Maybe she still likes you but she's bored out of her skull with the routine and can't work up much enthusiasm anymore. Start doing some unpredictable things - be spontaneous, mysterious, challenging, playful. Be attractive. Pretend you've just met this girl and you want to show her how exciting you are.
If she responds, keep doing it, and give the move-in a try. If she still won't participate in the romance and can't work herself up to a dreamy "I love you," then cut both your losses. (per lbergstr, above.)
posted by Tubes at 6:24 PM on October 11, 2005
If she responds, keep doing it, and give the move-in a try. If she still won't participate in the romance and can't work herself up to a dreamy "I love you," then cut both your losses. (per lbergstr, above.)
posted by Tubes at 6:24 PM on October 11, 2005
Break-ups are very difficult, but there are a few ways you can make it less so:
1.) Give the relationship an ending that dignifies what you two have had together. Do it face to face, express how glad you are that the two of you have had so many good times and learned so much from one another, but that you've decided that it has to end.
2.) Hold your own. She will probably scream and cry and beg and try to bargain with you. If you break up and then get back together again (or sleep together again) and then break up again... well, it's just exponentially worse. It's much better (although initially more painful) to make a clean break and end all contact for at least a few months. This is the hardest part, I think, because you'll be losing a friend, confidante, etc. in addition to losing a girlfriend.
3.) Lastly, you can not simultaneously hurt her and comfort her. You have to make the break, apologize, tell her that you're so very sorry, then say goodbye. When she needs a shoulder to cry on about the break-up, do not let it be yours. You will probably also need some support to deal with having to go through this transition, and to forgive yourself for doing something mean to someone you love. Find that support somewhere other than her arms.
PS If you can't do it face to face, do it over the phone. Be very very clear but try not to be cruel. Do not be open to negotiation. Good luck.
posted by bonheur at 6:30 PM on October 11, 2005
1.) Give the relationship an ending that dignifies what you two have had together. Do it face to face, express how glad you are that the two of you have had so many good times and learned so much from one another, but that you've decided that it has to end.
2.) Hold your own. She will probably scream and cry and beg and try to bargain with you. If you break up and then get back together again (or sleep together again) and then break up again... well, it's just exponentially worse. It's much better (although initially more painful) to make a clean break and end all contact for at least a few months. This is the hardest part, I think, because you'll be losing a friend, confidante, etc. in addition to losing a girlfriend.
3.) Lastly, you can not simultaneously hurt her and comfort her. You have to make the break, apologize, tell her that you're so very sorry, then say goodbye. When she needs a shoulder to cry on about the break-up, do not let it be yours. You will probably also need some support to deal with having to go through this transition, and to forgive yourself for doing something mean to someone you love. Find that support somewhere other than her arms.
PS If you can't do it face to face, do it over the phone. Be very very clear but try not to be cruel. Do not be open to negotiation. Good luck.
posted by bonheur at 6:30 PM on October 11, 2005
Six years is a damn long time. Why on earth did you let it get this far? Err, anyways, drop the "can't bear to hurt her" bit. You are not happy with this relationship, you want to kill it, so do it. And rest assured, if this is how you feel, she probably feels a bit worse. Most likely nobody's happy with the current situation.
Anyways, the SOP in this situation I think is to write one of those long, 10-page letters that describe in detail how wonderful she is and all the good times you had and then on the last page explain why you're ending the relationship and you want to be friends. Then the question is whether to deliver the letter to her face or let the postal man do it for you.
posted by nixerman at 6:44 PM on October 11, 2005
Anyways, the SOP in this situation I think is to write one of those long, 10-page letters that describe in detail how wonderful she is and all the good times you had and then on the last page explain why you're ending the relationship and you want to be friends. Then the question is whether to deliver the letter to her face or let the postal man do it for you.
posted by nixerman at 6:44 PM on October 11, 2005
Let me warn you from personal experience; sort out these issues before doing ANYTHING about moving in with her. Be it as far as breaking up (which is next to impossible to do painlessly) or strengthening what you've got, make sure the air is clear before the moving thing.
posted by dazed_one at 8:48 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by dazed_one at 8:48 PM on October 11, 2005
One important thing is to realize that "sympathetic" feelings of "I don't want to hurt her and therefore stay with her to avoid this" almost always have "selfish" roots, as in, "I'm avoiding this for my own reasons but it's easier to think I'm doing it for her sake."
This isn't a bad thing. IMO, all relationship decisions are, in the end, "selfish" (as in self-based, not necessarily assholish).
posted by gottabefunky at 9:05 PM on October 11, 2005
This isn't a bad thing. IMO, all relationship decisions are, in the end, "selfish" (as in self-based, not necessarily assholish).
posted by gottabefunky at 9:05 PM on October 11, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by LunaticFringe at 4:06 PM on October 11, 2005