Lifeless in Palo Alto.
December 4, 2013 2:22 PM   Subscribe

Six months ago I moved from Maryland to the Bay Area to start a new life in tech. I knew no one here before moving. The weather here is wonderful. I live and work in Palo Alto at a startup-y job with long hours. I am often pretty dang miserable outside of work. How can I have more fun day to day?

Right now my activities are as follows: work, work, work, sleep, rapidly trying to skill up on tech stuff, listening to music at home, and sitting in overcrowded cafes surrounded by loud groups of amorous high-schoolers. On weekends, I sometimes walk the Dish and catch a 40's B&W crowd favorite at the Stanford.

Socially, I know zero people outside of work. I've looked on Meetup, Craigslist, Idealist, and Schemer, and so far haven't found existing things that drew my interest or matched my schedule. There are several bar-hopping groups for "just graduated and moved to Silicon Valley" singles, and I'm both too old for those groups and not really into spending time in bars. The tech meetups are over my head (I don't have dev-level skills in anything) and I generally can't get to them without a car. By and large, my coworkers either do couples' stuff or play a lot of DOTA.

I am very happy with the fact that I can easily walk to work and to all the major amenities: supermarkets, stores, the doctor, the bank, the gym, the library, the post office, the train station. But as far as building a life outside of work, it's kind of been a disaster.

Social dance isn't something I'm interested in at all, and I'm neither athletic nor outdoorsy. I can't go to the city during the week (I leave work late, train stops running pretty early), and I generally have no idea what to do there besides touristy stuff, which I've already done.

Should I just break down and start saving for a car that I don't really need? What else can I do to actually start… living?
posted by Nomyte to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (19 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do you have a bike? That really opens up the south bay area around Palo Alto.

I found living in Palo Alto was pretty quiet but was able to get out an about.

I got myself into a large group of people who cooked dinner together at one person's house and they had monthly dinners with 30+ people. That opened a lot of connections for meeting up afterward.

There was aways something interesting going on at Stanford, talks, readings, movies, etc.. that were open to the larger community.

There is a late night bus that runs even after Caltrain stops. Check out 511.org or google maps transit directions.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 2:27 PM on December 4, 2013


You know, usually my go-to for this is to link to IRL, but man--there is just NO mefite activity out around SF. What the heck? So I would suggest maybe going on over there and proposing a meetup.

I have a number of friends who have moved out to the Bay Area for work, and for the most part they're friends with coworkers. Given the nature of tech startups, though, many of them have changed jobs a pile of times so have huge coworker/past coworker pools of friends upon which to draw. But they also hang out a lot with people they know either from or because of college. SF and the surroundings is the kind of place people move for work, so unless you went to a super small school there's probably some sort of alumni presence in your area. Reach out to your school's alumni association and see if they have any (not recent grad) mixers.
posted by phunniemee at 2:29 PM on December 4, 2013


You should definitely get a bike. That will expand your reach of things that are accessible by Caltrain, and just in the general PA area by a lot. But I agree with the other posters. What do you like to do? Find things that interest you and then do those things. I will admit that I haven't done a great job of meeting new people since moving out to the Bay Area either, and part of that is that PA is definitely quiet as compared to a bigger city. But there's enough going on down there that you should be able to find some things for you to do and by extension, people to do them with.
posted by thewumpusisdead at 2:36 PM on December 4, 2013


This is really hard to answer without knowing what you do like. Two suggestions for now:

1. Consider zipcar or similar. There's a discount if you're affiliated with the university.

2. If you're working long hours most of yourfun stuff is going to happen on the weekends anyways. So commit to.going up to sf once each weekend and go to a museum or check out event listings on funcheapsf or the squid list. You don't have to like everything you do but if you're in a rut trying things you're not sure you'll like might lead you out of it.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 2:36 PM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Do you like other people? Would you consider dating any of them? An OKCupid profile that says you just moved to the area could work wonders. A lot of people work in your industry, with those time constraints, in that part of the world/Bay Area.
posted by rhizome at 2:48 PM on December 4, 2013


I didn't think I was outdoorsy till I moved to the Bay Area, where the things that made the outdoors too annoying back home suddenly more or less disappeared. I wouldn't rule out outdoorsy Meetups right away.

Three things you could consider:
- onebrick.org, which has volunteering activities that are just one day and involve a social activity after
- lectures and receptions etc. on topics of interest to you at Stanford
- taking a class at Mission or DeAnza or whatever's close to you -- I made some great friends after a couple semesters with the same people in a Japanese class at Mission College. (Evening language classes have lots of people like you in them.)
posted by wintersweet at 3:18 PM on December 4, 2013


I lasted in Mountain View for a year before I gave up and moved to San Francisco.

These were some of the things I did to cope with the boredom and isolation of living in suburbia:

1) Biked
2) Joined a book groupI discovered through Craigslist
3) Went to the Improv group in Mountain View
4) Went to SF on the weekends
5) Rented a car on the weekend through Enterprise, they have great weekend specials
6) Occasionally went hiking...I am not outdoorsy either but I enjoy doing easy hikes
7) Joined the Palo Alto board gaming group
8) Volunteered with One Brick

And didn't we meet at a Mefi meetup in PA last year?
posted by so much modern time at 4:08 PM on December 4, 2013


I seem to recall you're sort of into board games, and that could be a dead simple, car-free way to get those DOTA players to be more social over lunch or after work. I see there are also several active meetups for that in Palo Alto.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 4:14 PM on December 4, 2013


Response by poster: There's a bunch of stuff I, uh, "latently like." I don't want to say "find me the nearest jet waterski place," because (a) I can Google that by myself, and (b) I'll get sent halfway across the Bay because I must love jet waterskiing so much.

I mean, I'm a nerd, I've mostly worked for universities all my life. I like nerdy and academic things. I like movies, but generally not the blockbusters; books, but generally not the bestsellers or books about how to be an entrepreneur; video games, but not beige shooters or e-sports, and so on. I like social science and foreign languages and math. I just don't know about social outlets for things I might like.

Also, there are only two Zipcars in Palo Alto. They have limited availability.
posted by Nomyte at 4:43 PM on December 4, 2013


One solution that worked very well for my husband when he was in a new country was to be the ringleader - pick something social you'd like to do, a few weeks off so people have time to plan, and invite your friendlier-seeming co-workers to join you.

It's a slog, you might only get 1-2 or even no-shows! But if it's an event you would have enjoyed anyway, you can still have fun. And keep at it. It takes a loooong time to build a network.
posted by paddingtonb at 4:49 PM on December 4, 2013


Quite honestly, Palo Alto is a boring town. It's not big, it has a very limited amount of diversity. Which means that if you want to keep living as close to the things you like, you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone and be more willing to try things that you are not sure you'll like or can do. No one ever met anybody by scheming the perfect way to meet people and dismissing anything that didn't seem just right. So there aren't many Zipcars in Palo Alto: the more members they have, the more cars they add (and there are more than two, but you may have to take a bus to get to them. Car sharing is like that in the City and Oakland as well). As a member, if there's a rare opportunity to use one, you have a much better chance of getting it than a non-member. You may need to hang out with couples. Not optimal, I know, but people with partners can still be interesting people and have interesting, single friends. They can't introduce you to them if they don't know you, though. You may have to do more things that read as "outdoorsy", because people are more likely to make meaningful relationships when they've shared things with other people, like hiking up a steep hill in the rain, or studying for a test- versus sharing the same space while they drink a latte and peck at their computer. My partner goes to many "hacker" events, and there are often newbies there who don't have tons of coding skills but are interested and want to contribute.

Long story short: don't let perfect be the enemy of good. Stretch your tolerances, don't talk yourself out of things. As a critical and sensitive person I understand the impulse to avoid situations where it may be uncomfortable or hard or irritating or seemingly pointless to partake, but people don't get more friends by shutting down less than ideal opportunities; they take less than ideal opportunities and work them. Best of luck.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:11 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also, there are only two Zipcars in Palo Alto. They have limited availability.

I just looked it up and it seems there are many more than that on the Stanford campus. Which can be a bit far to walk but if you can afford a bike it's only a 10-15 min bike ride from the transit center.


Sorry if this is too obvious, but if you're into movies there's the Stanford Theater (old movies) and the Aquarius (indie) and the Guild (same management as the Aquarius but in Menlo Park). If you're into used bookstores there's Feldman's Books in Menlo Park, just down the street from Kepler's. I used to go there for a few hours just to browse, it's nice. There's also Bell's Books off of University and Know Knew Books on California Ave. I realize these aren't inherently social activities, but especially with the movies, they're things you can invite acquaintances to do with you without it being too weird.

I'm a little like you in that my interests don't lend themselves easily to social activities. If you're used to having a group of friends with whom you can just hang out and talk, it can be hard to rebuild that. I've found that the key is to invite people to do things you find interesting/cool. Once you've done that a few times you have an acquaintance and eventually you'll have a friend that you can just hang with without planning something elaborate. A few more suggestions:

-Try all the *favorite ethnic food* restaurants in SF. You obviously won't get to them all, but it can be a fun quest to try and rope people into helping with.

-People watch in Dolores Park or tourist-watch in Union Square. This time of year there's an ice rink in Union Square and Macy's has their holiday display so it's extra-nice.

-Check out Japantown if you haven't already. There are a bunch of Japanese stationary stores and some food stores that are fun to poke around in. There are also restaurants and the movie theater plays some non-mainstream movies. If you're into spas, Kabuki Spas is nice.

-If you're at all a foodie then check out off the grid. It's a bunch of food trucks and is fun to walk around.

-Any interest in playing board games? There are lots of nerds into that kind of thing and I bet there's a meet up group devoted to them.

Mostly though, if your interests aren't inherently social you're going to have to either find new social interests or find things you want to do and invite people to do them with you.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 7:12 PM on December 4, 2013


I am going to throw things at you because I grew up in Palo Alto and moved to San Francisco, but still have friends and family in PA so I'm down there fairly often. Feel free to MeMail me if you have questions or want more ideas.

- Have you spent much time exploring the Caltrain-adjacent downtowns, like Castro Street in Mountain View? I used to take the 35 bus from downtown PA to Mountain View as an independent-but-no-car teenager, but you could easily take Caltrain. Downtown Redwood City is pretty cool; in the summer they do free live concerts on Friday nights, and the Fox/Little Fox usually have something going on too. (There's also a Five Guys right there, if that counts for anything!) San Mateo and San Carlos also have their Caltrain stations in their downtown (or walkably close to their downtown), so go check them out; they're just the next fare zone over, and San Mateo has lots of cool restaurants.

- Also, you can check out Palo Alto Weekly's events calendar -- they have one online at PaloAltoOnline.com or you could pick up a paper Weekly. Or check out the Palo Alto library events calendar.

- If you like swimming, there's Rinconada Pool -- they're open from 6:30 to 8:45 pm on Monday/Wednesday/Friday, and it's $5 daily admission for adults for lap swimming or you can sign up for a membership.

- Or go out to Shoreline Lake if you like or would be interested in sailing, kayaking, windsurfing, etc. They close at 5 on weekdays but are open until 5:30 on the weekends. The cafe isn't bad either in terms of food or people-watching.

- My friend took a Stanford continuing ed class on film; I took a creative writing one on a weekend. Winter term starts in January, and one of the film classes is "San Francisco history through cinema" which sounds delightful.

- How about ice skating? Tis the season for the Winter Lodge! Yes, you'll likely have to duck children, but it's still fun. They do open skates from 8-10 pm on Wednesday and Friday so there are probably fewer little kids at those skates.
posted by littlemisslaika at 10:56 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


You didn't respond to the bike suggestions, but it's a great idea. And if it's more your speed (ha), consider investing in an electric-assist bike. They are so cool! But one of those will seriously expand your range if you aren't generally big into biking.

Meetups. Just pick three that sound even sorta interesting and make yourself go. You can post in the group for rides. You have to start somewhere.

And from left field: contra dancing? You don't have to know how to dance to contra dance. It's a kind of gathering that tends to attract really genuine, accessible people. Worth a go at least once. And...not so much my cuppa tea, but...church? It's a community after all. Unitarian is often lacking the heavy churchy vibe. Quaker (Friends Gathering) even more so. And volunteering is a great idea.

Bottom line you just have to force yourself out there. You may be surprised at what you discover.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:58 AM on December 5, 2013


Join the UU Church, the odds are good, but the goods are odd, so you'll fit right in.

The big deal there is coffee time after the service. Lots of opportunity to meet folks. Go a few times if you like the vibe, join the choir or a service committee.

I met TONS of folks this way and it really helped cement my feeling of community.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:09 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd try some online dates.

You need a car. Unlike other places I've lived, the public transport around here is not adequate, so everybody is expected to have a car. You don't need to "save up" for a car because you have a job and can get credit.
posted by w0mbat at 6:12 AM on December 5, 2013


Another suggestion for boardgaming. If you can't find anything at a local gaming store, use www.boardgamegeek.com to find a local group.
posted by salmacis at 7:48 AM on December 5, 2013


Move to SF. Commute to PA if you have to. Silicon Valley is a cultural wasteland, and you're not going to find a mate out there. Go to meetups and art events and whimsical social events, the kind of stuff that gets written up on Squidlist and funcheapsf and Sfist. Befriend people and start throwing potlucks and dinner parties. Go to other peoples' potlucks and dinner parties. You're gonna have to put yourself out there and be the one who takes the initiative. It's tiring, but it will pay off.

Develop the side of yourself that isn't an engineer. I'm not saying that to be mean; I'm an engineer, too. Always defy the stereotype. Being well-rounded is underrated. There are plenty of engineers here, but if you can talk literature and modern art, that'll make you stand out.

The best thing about the Bay Area is the people. They're just a lot more open to conversing with a random stranger here than they are on the east coast. So put yourself in the kinds of situations where you'll meet the people you want to meet.
posted by evil otto at 3:48 AM on December 8, 2013


Response by poster: My undergraduate degree is in cognitive science and anthropology. I am the farthest thing from a typical engineer.

But this also means that I can't easily job-hop, like a more typical Silicon Valley engineer. I'm pretty much stuck either living in PA or enjoying long daily commutes to PA, adding two hours to my already long workdays.
posted by Nomyte at 1:37 PM on December 11, 2013


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