Brain and body not both in love, makes me feel bad

November 27, 2013 11:14 AM

I have been dating a woman for just under six months that I met unexpectedly when visiting another city. She is almost perfect: smart,funny, sassy, intellectually stimulating, kind, attentive, independently minded, socially aware, positive, sociable, generous, emotionally strong and sensitive, likes and wants to have children, easy going and has great friends. She dresses well and is pretty, has a lovely smile and is healthful. We enjoy straightforward communication and are open and honest with each other. I am not very physically attracted to her.

We have had a great relationship via video chat and messaging, but when she came to visit for a week we had a great time but I did not feel the physical attraction I am used to in a relationship. I really wanted it to work and couldn't imagine a world without her. In the months prior to her arrival I attempted to direct my sexual fantasies toward her, but as that was largely unsuccessful I stopped having sexual thoughts so that I wasn't being imaginarily unfaithful. I thought a bit of sexual tension could possibly help me transfer my affections to a real woman who I loved. When she arrived I decided to let things develop as naturally as possible, but it was clear that I was lagging behind her in the sexual desire stakes. Not being able to be honest about this drives a wedge between us. If I have to end the relationship I don't want to tell her that I don't find her attractive as she is has expressed some anxiety about her physical appearance which is unfortunately normal if you do not conform to the constrictions of current mainstream looks. She is beautiful to me, but unfortunately that does not transfer to me feeling physical attraction. It would appear that I have particular preferences in the physical department that are different to her physical attributes. I don't even want to talk to mutual friends about it in case they let it slip even if they promise not to ever mention it. I don't mind if she is not happy with me, I just don't want her to be unhappy with herself.

I had been in an unhealthy relationship for a number of years which ended six months prior to our meeting and should have ended a lot earlier. I am now sensitive to the need to stop things if they are not quite right. She has been single for an equally long time and emphasizes how lucky we are to have such a good connection with each other. This is true, meeting and getting to know her has been the best thing. Do I listen to my body or my brain?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Listen to heart which should be telling you that if you stay in this relationship you have the potential to really hurt this person on a deep level. I'm not the most attractive woman and I dated a man once for several months who wasn't attracted to me, he ended up telling me when I forced the issue because it was becoming increasingly obviouse to me that the physical spark wasn't there yet he kept acting otherwise like we were a great match and making plans for out future.

While I think sexual attraction can develop I think that since you seem sure it's not going to you owe it to her not to stay in the relationship. Getting broken up with is worlds kinder than finding out the person your with finds you unattractive later on.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 11:21 AM on November 27, 2013 [7 favorites]

Everyone's superficial. You're no exception. Deal with it. Anyone who tells you not to be superficial has done the exact same thing in one way or another. You know you're not interested in her as a lover. You've just described a good friend. It doesn't matter how much any random internet user thinks looks should matter in a relationship; they obviously matter a lot to you, or else you wouldn't have bothered to post this. Deal with the situation in an adult way. Don't stay in a relationship you don't want to be in just because you aren't sure of the exact right words to use when breaking up. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be later.
posted by John Cohen at 11:21 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

Just break up with her. You haven't been dating very long. You don't have to come up with a "good" reason for breaking up with her, because if you no longer wish to be in the relationship, that is all the reason you need.

I'm sure the next 50 people to comment will all link to Miko's breakup advice. It's good advice and I think suits your situation well.

Basically: you are great, but I'm just not feeling strongly enough about this relationship and I feel it needs to end. This wasn't an easy decision for me to make because I think you're wonderful and I don't want to hurt you. Etc.

One thing is clear, though...your body and brain aren't at disagreement about this. You aren't attracted to her and you know that breaking up is the right thing to do. So stop fretting and feeling bad about it. It sucks, but sometimes life sucks. It's ok.
posted by phunniemee at 11:22 AM on November 27, 2013 [13 favorites]

phunniemee: "One thing is clear, though...your body and brain aren't at disagreement about this."

Quoted for truth.

I've been intensely physically attracted to women that, in all honesty, I wouldn't have picked out of a "lineup" of average-looking women to date, based on looks. But I knew her when, and the now issues with her beauty didn't matter.

And I've felt "Oh, yeah, I'm TOTALLY getting laid with this FOX!" make the sad falling pennywhistle noise when I realized something terribly unsexy about her personality (typically stupidity, but whatever).

Sexual attraction is not mere physical judgment. Don't be ruled by it, of course, but it's foolish to not listen to it.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:07 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

If physical attraction is what you really need, then break up. Remember, physical attraction is fleeting. Good looks do not last, yours or hers.
posted by wandering_not_lost at 12:32 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

In the long run, a wonderful friendship makes for a nice marriage. Are you thinking of her as a 'good girl' and not feeling the heat? Do you prefer women who are more/ less aggressive, girl-y, overtly sexy? Spend a little time with her being physical - hiking, dancing, building something, and see if anything changes. If not, cut her loose.
posted by theora55 at 12:34 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think I disagree. A wonderful friendship and sexual attraction make a nice marriage. I have some great friends but I wouldn't marry one of them.

This relationship is brand new OP. I think you should probably move on and find someone who does it for you both emotionally and physically.
posted by Justinian at 12:36 PM on November 27, 2013 [9 favorites]

Nope.

Shut it down.

You have this awesome friend who is, in your own words, "smart,funny, sassy, intellectually stimulating, kind, attentive, independently minded, socially aware, positive, sociable, generous, emotionally strong and sensitive, likes and wants to have children, easy going and has great friends. She dresses well and is pretty, has a lovely smile and is healthful. We enjoy straightforward communication and are open and honest with each other."

You are not sexually attracted to her.

Do you know what that is called?

That is called friendship.

It's nice that you have this great friend. It is truly hard to find kindred spirits in this world, and she sounds like a wonderful person to know.

But this is not a romantic relationship, and you need to clarify that to all parties concerned, ASAP. It's really not fair of you to continue to lead her on by pretending that you are dating, when you are in fact just friends.
posted by Sara C. at 12:40 PM on November 27, 2013 [13 favorites]

There is no reason to think your lack of feeling any sexual chemistry is "superficial" whether or not you are reasoning it based on certain physical attributes (in your description). The physical is not always superficial. It makes complete sense for you to feel the lack of sexual attraction as an important lack.

Just a possibility since no one has mentioned it, but it is very, very different and unnatural to have all your feelings and relationship develop without the presence of the person. You mention that until a visit recently all your interactions were through video chat and messaging. I think when you develop real feeling for a person in one way it may be hard to reconcile that in another way, the way your experience of her is really just a representation you interact with onscreen. It doesn't matter if many people have had similar experiences and had it not be a problem, it is still a possible issue.
posted by Blitz at 12:42 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

You are not in a romantic relationship with this woman. (In fact, I question whether you are in a relationship at all, but that's not terribly relevant.) It sounds like you have a great, albeit platonic, connection. Break up with her. It's okay. (And no, you don't have to spell it out that you aren't physically attracted to her.)
posted by sm1tten at 12:59 PM on November 27, 2013

She deserves to be in a relationship with someone who isn't questioning their desire for her. You deserve to be in a relationship where you desire your partner. This isn't it for either of you. Break up.
posted by plonkee at 1:21 PM on November 27, 2013

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

BUT.

It sounds like your mind is telling your body what it "should" feel (sexually attracted), and this pressure could prevent any close feelings of intimacy from actually developing. You're really trying to force yourself to feel something and that won't work.

I wouldn't talk to her about it, not in an overt "ugh I don't want to kiss your face" way, that would be unnecessary and cruel. But give yourself permission to have high and low feelings of attraction to someone, as this is normal. Don't force yourself to feel sexy about her, don't fake a sexy smile back at her if you're not feeling it. Just stop. Feel what you are feeling. Feel those feelings of appreciation and friendship and intimacy. Then see where they go.

tl;dr - don't force it, let it flow. If it still doesn't come, let it go.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:26 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think it's two-pronged. You find attractive what you find attractive. But at some point you have to ask yourself if your standards are actually in line with the sort of person you have a reasonable expectation of ending up with. I mean, if you're talking about societal standards of beauty, where are you on that scale? Because if you're an 8 and she's a 5 and a really lovely person but you sort of like that societal standard and the next girl you ask out is probably going to be an 8, then you're probably going to be fine. If you're a 5 and she's a 5 but the only women you find attractive are 8s, then it's not that there's Something Wrong With You, but if you want a good chance at long-term happiness then it might be something to start exploring and trying to expand your horizons and whatnot. It is something I've seen people--guys!--do, usually coming back to earth after a youth of porn and whatnot. A therapist might help. Maybe.

So, yeah, it's theoretically possible to learn how to find someone sexy, but the key is that it generally works when the rest of the dating pool you'd be in is not providing anything you DO want, where the alternative is loneliness. I'm not sure you're apt to have much luck if you know that the next girl could be different. It's not, in any case, something to beat yourself up about. Just don't tell her it has anything to do with her waistline or whatever else, because it really doesn't. You really like her but you don't LIKE like her, to borrow a middle-school phrasing, and that's a thing that happens, especially with online hookups.
posted by Sequence at 1:28 PM on November 27, 2013

I don't want to tell her that I don't find her attractive as she is has expressed some anxiety about her physical appearance which is unfortunately normal if you do not conform to the constrictions of current mainstream looks

I'm getting a feeling there's some kind of dumb "But i should be attracted to her because she's pretty in an unconventional way, and that makes me all progressivey Dan Savage 21st century guy!", and that somehow by not being attracted to her you're some chauvinist gross 1950s pig who only likes pornstars.

That's uh... not how it works, but i understand how you could feel that way, trust me.

The way to frame this in your mind isn't "I should be attracted to this woman even though she traditionally attractive", but rather "I'm not physically attracted to this woman, but that's up to a million tiny factory, plenty of which are probably some really deep primate monkey brain shit. That does not make me a bad person, and there will likely be other women who aren't "traditionally pretty" that i'll be really in to"

Forcing yourself into this and burning her later because you think you should be would make you a shittier person than admitting that you're not physically attracted now and moving on.

Relationships are about feelings, and feelings aren't always logical. Every time i see people try and apply some kind of moral compass to who they find attractive it makes me groan.
posted by emptythought at 1:34 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm wondering if you have some secret desire that you need satisfied to find someone attractive. Maybe you like tall women, or women who are super smiley, or women who look vulnerable, or women who look strongly ethnic in a particular way. Most of us have something like this that matches an archetype in our minds, such as "He's a teddy bear" or "She's an Amazon". I'd give a think if you have an archetype like this, and if you do, if she fulfills it. My guess is that there is some combination of physical and psychological cues that has nothing to do with prettiness or being an 8 or a 10 that makes the difference for attraction for you.
posted by 3491again at 2:34 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

You can't fake chemistry. It's either there or it isn't.

It does not reflect badly on either of you if the chemistry isn't there. You're cool, she's cool, but the relationship isn't right.

If you try to fake it, you're only going to make it worse.
posted by nathanfhtagn at 3:04 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have dated men whom I found objectively handsome or attractive but just didn't have sexual chemistry with when it came to getting up close and kissing them (and more). It's something pheromonal, it's not rational and not about how pretty or fit she is. Sometimes you just don't have it with people. I'd break it off.
posted by amaire at 3:12 PM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

There's actually a word for someone who you have a really great relationship with but who you don't want to have sex with. That word is: Friend.

Your instinct to never, ever, ever mention your lack of attraction to her seems smart to me. She'll probably assume that's the reason anyway, but hearing it from a lover is a nearly insurmountable ego hit. When she has a future lover who is sincerely attracted to her, she could still be insecure from that kind of hurt. If she presses, there are some nice half-truths like, "I couldn't picture a future together," or "I don't know. I just don't feel that we will work out ever. I feel it in my gut." If she's at all prone towards limerence, she may need to hear the "never" part.

Then you (yes, you) initiate no contact for a while. Again, if she's at all limerent, that's 6 months minimum and for realsies no contact. Not half assed no contact.

The reason I mention limerence is because it's pretty rare for someone to pursue another person who is as luke warm as you are about this relationship. There might be more going on in her head than you know.

Your friend deserves the chance to find someone who loves her for everything that she is.
posted by Skwirl at 3:50 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's totally fine to break up with someone because you are not attracted to them. If sexual chemistry is something you need in a romantic relationship (and most people do need that, though to varying degrees) and you're not attracted enough that you are finding the relationship satisfying, then that sounds like a perfectly reasonable dealbreaker to me. The specific reason you are not attracted to this person is unimportant – you don't even have to know what that reason is. Just the lack of attraction, if attraction is something you need, is enough.

Break up with this woman and free both of you up to go find a relationship where mutual attraction is present at a satisfying level. You probably shouldn't tell her "hey I don't think you're sexy so I'm dumping you," but something like "I really like you and think you're a wonderful person but for whatever reason I'm just not feeling that spark that I need to feel, so I don't think it's fair to either of us to keep going like this" might be appropriate.

There's no reason to feel bad about it. In fact, breaking up with this woman is the humane and compassionate thing to do under the circumstances. Don't do it in a way that makes this person feel any worse about themselves than they inevitably will just by virtue of being dumped, but do it, and soon.
posted by Scientist at 5:05 PM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you're not attracted to her, do her the favor of letting her be with someone who desires her and makes her feel beautiful, and do yourself the favor of being with someone who fulfills your needs completely.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:13 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

She doesn't want to be with someone who has to work at being attracted to her. Would you? No.

Shut it down.
posted by discopolo at 7:55 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Break up with her. Go no contact for a bit, see if you can remain friends afterwards.

You might not be fully over your previous unhealthy relationship, especially if it lasted for years and years. Give yourself time to mourn and heal.
posted by RainyJay at 1:01 AM on November 28, 2013

Going by my own romantic relationship history I know naff all about healthy relationships but a part of me is inclined to agree with Peepsburg... yep.. trying to force the feeling can't feel too sexy.. and I wonder if part of what is difficult to let in is that she is available to you. I am only suggesting this because I think I may have had this recently myself...
I can't remember the words you used for your relationship prior.. but unhealthy came into that.
Well I have that template and know now (as much as I hate to admit it) that potent and immediate chemistry for means WALK AWAY.

I wonder if she stepped away from you a little (which she's not going to do because she's emotionally available and doesn't mindf**k you).. but I do wonder.. if you might not feel a pull to her a little more? What do you think?
posted by tanktop at 2:04 PM on November 28, 2013

"I am now sensitive to the need to stop things if they are not quite right."

Yes, and that's exactly how we should be! It's about having healthy boundaries - doubt means don't. You'll do this woman a huge favor by not dating her for months or years on end when you've just never honestly found her sexually attractive. Sounds like you're already pretty clear she is in this "no sex, please" category for you personally, so you know what you need to do. Yet, you're holding back from ending it because she is very close to your ideal in a lot of other respects - and maybe you're afraid women like her don't come along very often? Put those fears aside.

That you're seeing why it needs to end now is actually a very healthy thing. A sign that you're attracting more appropriate partners now than you used to. Now you know what to look for next time: a woman like her who you DO actually want to sleep with. FWIW, I strongly suspect you'll find someone like that within the next 2 years - you sound like a very respectful, (dare I say feministy?) kind of guy, and I read a lot of empathy for women in the way you wrote your question. Keep at it.

"It would appear that I have particular preferences in the physical department that are different to her physical attributes."

My curiosity is killing me, and I wish you would spell that part out a bit more, but I also get why you chose not to. You've posted anon but still you held back from saying whatever it is explicitly. I sense a taboo with you about talking about women's bodies: you're very polite, and it is incredibly honorable of you not to demean her looks to your friends. Props to you. That being said, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging privately to yourself that, say, you are most attracted to women who have a low waist-to-hip ratio and proportional features.

I'm going to disagree with everyone else here who has said never tell her the truth about why you're going to break up with her. I agree with @Scientist here who suggested, if pressed, you initially say there's not enough "spark." However, if more time passes, and she someday comes back and asks you for your honest feedback, please be brave enough to share it. I know you'll say it in the kindest way possible.
posted by hush at 11:10 PM on November 29, 2013

wandering_not_lost: Remember, physical attraction is fleeting. Good looks do not last, yours or hers.

You have been lied to. I'm sorry you grew up in an environment where you could believe such a thing... but it's patently and obviously not true. I have known many old, wrinkly people praising their partner's looks.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:43 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]