What do you do when you're new in a job, and your life goes to hell?

November 22, 2013 1:15 PM

I'm new in a job, and so far I've received extremely positive reviews, however I've noticed that I'm making mistakes that are unlike me because I'm terribly distracted by personal challenges. Some snowflakes inside.

This is not (yet) causing any professional repercussions.

The challenge is that in the few months since I started this job, we've endured two miscarriages, the discovery of serious medical problems with my spouse, and a family member suddenly being diagnosed with cancer, and almost immediately having their condition deteriorate quite terribly. My personal life is distracting me.

In an ideal world, it wouldn't bother me, but I'm human. I haven't mentioned any of this to anybody at work, and I fear they mistake my B- game for my A game. I don't know if there's something I should be doing, but am too proud to do, or if I'm handling it well. It's vital that I perform well, as I am the primary source of income for both my immediate family and some of my extended family.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

In the US (where I'm assuming that you are) people tend to be very private about grief and sickness especially with almost strangers.

I had a very serious illness at the beginning of my last job. It took several months to get all the insurance/medical appointment/general hysteria on my part somewhat behind me, and in the meanwhile I soured some of my professional relationships. I didn't realize it until later, because it was so important for me psychologically in dealing with this personal crisis that I keep up appearances of normalcy. I realized much later, with a lot of regret, that had a given a brief indication of what I was going through at the time, that things would have been much easier for me.

I suggest that you say casually to your boss, tacked on to the end of another conversation, something like the following, "By the way, I'm really loving my new job responsibilities and I hope that I'm doing a great job. Someone very very important (I might not want to mention the exact relationship if it was an immediate family member just yet) to me was diagnosed with cancer recently, and I've been very stressed out about it, and I'm hoping that it hasn't affected my job performance too much." (You have a lot of stressors, but personally I would just mention one- I would not want to be known as the person with the messy personal life.)

Lots of hugs and hope for everything, you can take steps to make sure that your career doesn't become partial victim to this.
posted by cacao at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]

If nobody is noticing that you're not on top of your game, it's probably not as noticeable as you expect. If you think that you're going to be distracted to the point of making noticeable errors at some near point in the future, I would talk with the folks close to you at work and say that some health/family issues have been happening, and that you may want to find ways of making sure you have enough time to get your work done and other strategies to make sure that small errors don't become big ones.
posted by xingcat at 1:25 PM on November 22, 2013

If they're like most people, even if you tell them all the problems you've been having, they will make absolutely zero connection in their heads that it could possibly have anything to do with your job performance.

That has to be explicitly stated. You can never assume that just because a person somehow rose to the level of being your employer, they are therefore capable of putting two and two together.

Instead, what will likely happen is that they will hear you out and then they will inquire with deep wonderment, as if they had just replaced a pod person and therefore missed the whole spiel:

"But why haven't you been doing as well at your job lately?"
posted by serena15221 at 1:30 PM on November 22, 2013

There are asses like that, but in general I disagree. I still think you're better off being upfront. However, the focus in this work discussion should not be telling all about your problems, but what solutions you offer to minimize impact on your work.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:54 PM on November 22, 2013

"Hey boss can we talk in private? {enter private space} I just wanted to let you know I've been going through some personal stuff recently, a death in the family and some other stuff. I hope it's not affecting my performance here but I may need a personal day or two coming up to deal with X and Y. Just wanted to give you a heads up! I'm really liking my job here and can't wait to finish project ABC, but I have been a little distracted the past few weeks by this personal stuff. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to make myself more useful round these parts. Bye."
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:24 PM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]

I would not mention it. If you say there is a reason for poor work performance, your boss may start to notice poor work performance, where he/she didn't notice it before. Having an "excuse" won't prevent you from getting fired for poor performance anyway. There is no upside to mentioning it. On the other hand, having the boss paying attention to your performance level under a microscope might lead to you not getting promoted, or getting laid off, etc.

Most people are mediocre performers. Most people have ups and downs. And lastly, anyone can get fired for basically any reason. If you are worried about your performance, I think the best you can do is to dust off your resume and come up with backup plans, at least in your mind. I don't think that simply letting your boss know protects you from anything.

In your shoes, I wouldn't tell. Especially true if you are a woman.
posted by htid at 2:41 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

I wouldn't say anything, for the reasons that htid noted. I was in a similar situation -- I started a new job at the same time that I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.

The fact is that most people perform at a "B-" level when they're new to a role, and there's no need to draw attention to it or give the appearance of making excuses. As the distractions from your personal life wane, your performance will improve and you'll be rewarded for it. If you make excuses now, returning to your "A" game will become an expectation you could be punished for missing, instead of a pleasant suprise that your boss can take credit for ("I nurtured so-and-so and now s/he's an exemplary performer!").

Now, that assumes that the distractions in your personal life will wane... One can never assume that the ordeals will end, but you can take steps to make them less distracting. Mindful meditation is a wonderful tool. Talk therapy is another one. So is exercise. Use these tools now, and you may find that someday you'll be performing at an "A+" level when your trials abate.
posted by telegraph at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

A lifesaver for me periodically is co-counselling. This is International (CCI)- you do a weeks training and have free access for life for co/peer counselling. Whilst this isn't the same as having a professionally trained person it uses established therapeutic techniques (a lot of Gestalt based stuff about releasing painful emotion cathartically). Don't be spooked by the fact it's 2 breaks away from scientology as weird as that sounds:-s!!! It has no trace of that whatsoever these days, if it did I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

For the most part is an aging hippy mother demographic mainly (though there is some mix) who have full interesting lives and are really supportive and empathic. About 20% in the UK are health professionals.

I dip into at low/tough times but I have a friend who checks in with someone every day just for a couple of minutes as a sanity saver. Your exchanges are always reciprocal and mutually agreed so there's no power shit. So say if you needed to cry and vent at a certain point in your lunch break you could have set times to check in with someone you like.

I'm sorry you're having such a crap time. Things do shift .. eventually.
posted by tanktop at 3:26 PM on November 22, 2013

If you decide to mention it, I'd personally I'd keep it to one specific thing, like the serious medical problems with the spouse or family member with cancer, and not say "personal stuff." I just feel like people use "personal stuff" as an excuse for stuff that isn't actually a big deal. OP is dealing with real issues.

But before saying anything, I'd try to gauge how you're doing or how it's perceived. If there's no chance of getting fired, it may not even matter that you're on level B because you can turn into an A-level player after you weather the storm and that will still be recognized.
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:32 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

What cacao said: an afterthought, not assuming it IS affecting your work, just a quick heads up about one thing.
posted by salvia at 4:29 PM on November 22, 2013

What telegraph said: right now they don't expect you to be perfect at the job. Enjoy that while it lasts. Use it. Don't tell anyone you're having that many problems unless the issue is forced and you absolutely have to.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:40 PM on November 22, 2013

I agree with what AppleTurnover, telegraph, and jenfulmoon have said, but I also like PotomacAvenue's approach. If you have a good rapport with your immediate supervisor, I don't think it can hurt to speak privately to them. Most people would be very sympathetic to the fact that you have a relative who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Just be brief and state that you wanted to explain the situation and want to be proactive about making sure your work is meeting company standards. If you came into the position highly-recommended and have an otherwise strong work history, I think most employers will be understanding that a.) it takes a good 7-9 months to really settle into a new position, and b.) dealing with a family illness is a thing that happens to all of us at some point, and so an employee may need some support in that regard.

If you have an Employee Assistance Plan, can you follow up with that? If you aren't in counseling yet, now is the time to pursue it. You can't deal with all of this on your own, and you shouldn't be expected to do so. It might even help you to mentally get through each week: "Okay, I just have to get through Mon-Weds. Thursday night I have my therapy session and can vent about X, Y, Z. Friday's good because it's Friday and then I'll have two days of a break from work-stressors."

However, I do have a warning: be very careful with this and really assess beforehand if your company actually gives a shit about its employees. If your gut is telling you not to disclose, then pursue counseling and just try to continue doing your best at work. Maybe take a personal day or two, give yourself a long weekend to rest, and go from there.

I had a similar situation last year, and unfortunately, it was a toxic workplace to begin with and the company was structured in such a way that I had to deal directly with the HR Director. I was trying to be honest and do the right thing, and tried to work out a flex-schedule arrangement with the company. However, not long after I disclosed my situation, I began to be harassed on a weekly basis by the HR Director, to the point that I still have nightmares about her sometimes. It made an unbearable situation even worse.

I think she took pleasure in bullying me when I was already down. It wasn't long before I dreaded walking in the door every day, I felt like I was constantly being watched, and I started being given the worst dreck assignments possible. I had a *stellar* work history prior to this and the job was actually far below my capabilities and skillset, but I took it because I thought it would be less stressful. (Har!) They were very clearly trying to get me to quit, and in hindsight, I should have stuck it out and made them fire me. I ended up quitting my job on the spot one day -- packed up and walked out at lunch -- because I couldn't take the harassment any longer. Luckily, I had a side job at the time and it helped me get by for a while.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have taken the job in the first place and should have listened to my gut, but live and learn, right? Please just be careful. You don't need to deal with the stress, pain, and drama of work problems on top of everything else on your plate. Focus on taking care of you, and definitely follow up with counseling. If you find yourself dwelling on the issues and being distracted throughout the workday, you might need to practice some CBT-type skills: tell yourself, "I can focus on this after the workday. While I am here, I need to do my job because my family is relying on me." If you have an hour lunch break, take 15 minutes of it to go for a short walk, find a private space and listen to a relaxation tape, write in a journal, whatever. Think if your day as two four-hour chunks, or however it's scheduled...get through the first four, take your break, get through the next four. And don't be too hard on yourself right now...you're dealing with a lot of stress that *is* going to affect your cognition, attention span, etc. Do the best you can with what you've got and continue to practice good self-care. Good luck and I wish you the best!
posted by cardinality at 6:49 PM on November 22, 2013