Is she the one?
October 11, 2005 3:57 PM Subscribe
I am in love with a long time friend. Do you think it would be emotionally/ otherwise risky to go visit her?
The details:
We went to college together, and never became romantically involved, despite caring deeply about each other. Actually, in hindsight this is probably a good thing -- since moving to different cities about two years ago, we’ve been able to compare notes, help each other confront serious emotional baggage and now have both more experience and more confidence in life and in relationships (having each been through several iffy ones). Consequently, we’re both single for the first time since those uncertain, foolish college days but comparatively more mature and in tune.
The Dilemma:
I have fallen for her in a serious way that is positively exhilarating and absolutely frightening all at once (since I already know the deepest secrets). It is too late to become romantically involved? Am I violating our close friendship or being dishonest by not telling her my true feelings?
I feel that if I don’t do something now, it will be too late -- but at the same time it feels like this is just a fantasy that will continue to be one, especially considering that we live 3000 miles apart given the likely scenario that we will not soon be able to live in the same city.
Hopping on a plane will probably determine if she wants to be romantically involved (because I will undoubtedly make a move), but if it fails, things might be awkward for the rest of the trip, if not for the rest of eternity. A lot is at stake, and I’m not thinking logically since becoming enamored. Is buying that plane ticket a risk I should be willing to take?
The details:
We went to college together, and never became romantically involved, despite caring deeply about each other. Actually, in hindsight this is probably a good thing -- since moving to different cities about two years ago, we’ve been able to compare notes, help each other confront serious emotional baggage and now have both more experience and more confidence in life and in relationships (having each been through several iffy ones). Consequently, we’re both single for the first time since those uncertain, foolish college days but comparatively more mature and in tune.
The Dilemma:
I have fallen for her in a serious way that is positively exhilarating and absolutely frightening all at once (since I already know the deepest secrets). It is too late to become romantically involved? Am I violating our close friendship or being dishonest by not telling her my true feelings?
I feel that if I don’t do something now, it will be too late -- but at the same time it feels like this is just a fantasy that will continue to be one, especially considering that we live 3000 miles apart given the likely scenario that we will not soon be able to live in the same city.
Hopping on a plane will probably determine if she wants to be romantically involved (because I will undoubtedly make a move), but if it fails, things might be awkward for the rest of the trip, if not for the rest of eternity. A lot is at stake, and I’m not thinking logically since becoming enamored. Is buying that plane ticket a risk I should be willing to take?
Make your move.
Yes, awkward; yes, risky -- but faint heart never won fair lady and all that.
Consider the risk of not acting: the creeping falseness and constraint that comes of an important unacknowledged truth between you (I know whereof I speak). Not to mention the damage to your own integrity and self-respect caused by smothering such a profound feeling.
Wouldn't you want to know in her place?
posted by ottereroticist at 4:07 PM on October 11, 2005
Yes, awkward; yes, risky -- but faint heart never won fair lady and all that.
Consider the risk of not acting: the creeping falseness and constraint that comes of an important unacknowledged truth between you (I know whereof I speak). Not to mention the damage to your own integrity and self-respect caused by smothering such a profound feeling.
Wouldn't you want to know in her place?
posted by ottereroticist at 4:07 PM on October 11, 2005
I think the trick is to be fully honest about it, by saying more or less the following. Of course, you'll be able to say this more naturally, but be sure to hit the main points:
"I know you may not reciprocate this, but I'm in love with you. I trust you enough to tell you this even so, because I trust that we'll be able to continue as friends even if you don't reciprocate. I'm ready for that - but I don't feel comfortable carrying this around on my own shoulders, so I thought I should share."
Then you can become incoherent, or whatev fits the moment.
posted by metaculpa at 4:15 PM on October 11, 2005
"I know you may not reciprocate this, but I'm in love with you. I trust you enough to tell you this even so, because I trust that we'll be able to continue as friends even if you don't reciprocate. I'm ready for that - but I don't feel comfortable carrying this around on my own shoulders, so I thought I should share."
Then you can become incoherent, or whatev fits the moment.
posted by metaculpa at 4:15 PM on October 11, 2005
lalochezia has it perfectly right. Regretting actions not taken is significantly worse than anything that could happen if you're just honest with yourself and her. Besides, you must be curious about what will happen. Finding that out alone seems to justify all risks involved.
posted by allen.spaulding at 4:18 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by allen.spaulding at 4:18 PM on October 11, 2005
I'm all for "just do it," but I saw nothing in your post that hinted that she reciprocates your feelings for her. We are not all blessed with a sturdy emotional constitution. If you are, then go for it. But rethink why you never had a relationship in college.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 4:20 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by Saucy Intruder at 4:20 PM on October 11, 2005
You've only got one life and this is it. Your friendship is deep and true and if she happens not to have the same romantic feelings, then the two of you can weather this (true friendships will weather even worse circumstances). Beautiful things happen when we take risks. Details, like distance, will work themselves out (one step at a time).
And, yes, I consider it a violation and a dishonesty if you don't tell her your feelings. If you don't, there will always be 'this' to come between you.
posted by LadyBonita at 4:21 PM on October 11, 2005
And, yes, I consider it a violation and a dishonesty if you don't tell her your feelings. If you don't, there will always be 'this' to come between you.
posted by LadyBonita at 4:21 PM on October 11, 2005
You have to do it. Just ensure you either stay in a hotel or have somewhere to go in the event of any fallout. Good luck!
posted by fire&wings at 4:24 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by fire&wings at 4:24 PM on October 11, 2005
Anecdote: the same thing happened to me, and my feelings were not requited. She & I are still close friends and I'm OK with it staying that way.
...so go for it. You may find it easier, however, if you psych yourself up for rejection before going for it (I think this helped me a lot).
If you assume you'll be rejected you'll have had time to adjust, so if you are rejected it won't be such a crushing blow. And if things work out, then it'll be a happy surprise. IMHO, anyway (on preview, I agree with 23skidoo and base this agreement on personal experience).
posted by aramaic at 4:40 PM on October 11, 2005
...so go for it. You may find it easier, however, if you psych yourself up for rejection before going for it (I think this helped me a lot).
If you assume you'll be rejected you'll have had time to adjust, so if you are rejected it won't be such a crushing blow. And if things work out, then it'll be a happy surprise. IMHO, anyway (on preview, I agree with 23skidoo and base this agreement on personal experience).
posted by aramaic at 4:40 PM on October 11, 2005
From personal experience:
I've had a close friend for upwards of seven years, we met in highschool, and though we didn't know it at the time, each harbored a bit more than a crush for the other. We each were dating, and while we both dated several people, we never managed to be single at the same time, so we never really talked about our feelings, other than vague talk about how we were exceptionally close, and how important we were to each other, in short, everything but admit those dangerous couldn't-we-be-more-than-friends things.
We eventually established that we loved each other (but y'know as friends) and we visted each other 2-3 times a year. Then there was this one visit, and we awkwardly talked about sleeping arrangements (I was at his place, and offered to take the couch, but he insisted I stay in his bed, and he take the couch and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable) so we ended up sleeping in the same bed, each saying how, really, it was just sleeping. Then somewhere in the night between casual we're-pretending-to-be-asleep cuddling, we caught ourselves awake and finally admitted to the inevitable, that we did actually care in that way and also, that we both were really keen on the sex thing.
Right now, he lives two hours away, and we're in the most loving committed relationship I've ever had, and a lot of that is because it took us so long to get here. I know two hours is vastly different than 3000 miles, but at this scale, it's working.
posted by nile_red at 4:46 PM on October 11, 2005
I've had a close friend for upwards of seven years, we met in highschool, and though we didn't know it at the time, each harbored a bit more than a crush for the other. We each were dating, and while we both dated several people, we never managed to be single at the same time, so we never really talked about our feelings, other than vague talk about how we were exceptionally close, and how important we were to each other, in short, everything but admit those dangerous couldn't-we-be-more-than-friends things.
We eventually established that we loved each other (but y'know as friends) and we visted each other 2-3 times a year. Then there was this one visit, and we awkwardly talked about sleeping arrangements (I was at his place, and offered to take the couch, but he insisted I stay in his bed, and he take the couch and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable) so we ended up sleeping in the same bed, each saying how, really, it was just sleeping. Then somewhere in the night between casual we're-pretending-to-be-asleep cuddling, we caught ourselves awake and finally admitted to the inevitable, that we did actually care in that way and also, that we both were really keen on the sex thing.
Right now, he lives two hours away, and we're in the most loving committed relationship I've ever had, and a lot of that is because it took us so long to get here. I know two hours is vastly different than 3000 miles, but at this scale, it's working.
posted by nile_red at 4:46 PM on October 11, 2005
Do it.
I made this exact mistake once: fell deeply in love, became great friends, never fessed up to the love out of cowardice. Trust me, even if she kicks you in the nuts and never talks to you again when you tell her, it won't be worse than doing nothing and regretting it.
Because the regret will last forever.
posted by teece at 4:51 PM on October 11, 2005
I made this exact mistake once: fell deeply in love, became great friends, never fessed up to the love out of cowardice. Trust me, even if she kicks you in the nuts and never talks to you again when you tell her, it won't be worse than doing nothing and regretting it.
Because the regret will last forever.
posted by teece at 4:51 PM on October 11, 2005
Sorry, I assumed the poster was male in my comment. That might not be the case. But I don't think it matters.
posted by teece at 4:54 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by teece at 4:54 PM on October 11, 2005
Go for it. If you leave things as they are, and keep it bottled up, your feelings will probably continue to build and build. Unless you are superhuman at keeping them under the surface, they are likely to change the nature of your friendship at some point. So if you weigh up both sides, you have:
- don't tell her: you may risk your friendship in some way.
- tell her: you may risk your friendship in some way (and the effects of this will be probably be more immediately obvious than through not telling her). But there's a chance you might end up living happily ever after.
Both options could put your friendship at risk, but only one option gives you the possibility of getting together.
By way of personal experience, I have been in a similar situation. It was a teenage crush rather than anything more involved, but I never told her. Had I told her and she'd felt the same way, I am in no doubt at all that it would have fizzled out after a few months - I have since happily settled down with the perfect woman, but part of me will always wonder what those few months would have been like, and how fun they might have been. This is only idle nostalgia on my part, but imagine how much worse you will feel wondering whether you could ever have been together. Take the risk, and good luck!
Is there any way of doing an update on anonymous posts? I want to know how it goes if you decide to go for it...
posted by greycap at 5:04 PM on October 11, 2005
- don't tell her: you may risk your friendship in some way.
- tell her: you may risk your friendship in some way (and the effects of this will be probably be more immediately obvious than through not telling her). But there's a chance you might end up living happily ever after.
Both options could put your friendship at risk, but only one option gives you the possibility of getting together.
By way of personal experience, I have been in a similar situation. It was a teenage crush rather than anything more involved, but I never told her. Had I told her and she'd felt the same way, I am in no doubt at all that it would have fizzled out after a few months - I have since happily settled down with the perfect woman, but part of me will always wonder what those few months would have been like, and how fun they might have been. This is only idle nostalgia on my part, but imagine how much worse you will feel wondering whether you could ever have been together. Take the risk, and good luck!
Is there any way of doing an update on anonymous posts? I want to know how it goes if you decide to go for it...
posted by greycap at 5:04 PM on October 11, 2005
n+1 for go for it, but be prepared for things to be a little awkward for a sec regardless of whether she feels the same way... even if she's madly in love with you that doesn't mean that the orchestra swells and everything goes slow motion, necessarily... though i suppose you could hire an orchestra...
Now I need to go watch that one scene from Chasing Amy again...
posted by softlord at 5:11 PM on October 11, 2005
Now I need to go watch that one scene from Chasing Amy again...
posted by softlord at 5:11 PM on October 11, 2005
Oh, read up on the other AskMe threads and do it already. My own anecdotal experiences (mine and friends) have been nothing but good (except for one girl/guy pair of friends, but they were both mental. So, um, don't be mental and it'll work. Also, don't cheat. But that's pretty general advice.)
JUST GO FOR IT! Be ready to bounce back if it's not reciprocated, be ready for whatever happens, let the chips fall as they may, but do it.
You can blame us all later and ask for advice on how to get out of it.
posted by klangklangston at 5:19 PM on October 11, 2005
JUST GO FOR IT! Be ready to bounce back if it's not reciprocated, be ready for whatever happens, let the chips fall as they may, but do it.
You can blame us all later and ask for advice on how to get out of it.
posted by klangklangston at 5:19 PM on October 11, 2005
Do it. What everybody else said. Be prepared for failure, try not to weird the poor girl out too much, but absolutely do it.
Friends - proper friends, the sort of friends worth keeping - are actually surprisingly good at still being your friend even after you've told them you loved them and you've completely embarrassed yourself and possibly been a little scary, it turns out.
posted by flashboy at 5:21 PM on October 11, 2005
Friends - proper friends, the sort of friends worth keeping - are actually surprisingly good at still being your friend even after you've told them you loved them and you've completely embarrassed yourself and possibly been a little scary, it turns out.
posted by flashboy at 5:21 PM on October 11, 2005
I gotta weigh in for the other side. I've certainly been in the position more than once where this happened -- I became best friends with a girl and we were both dating and never both alone, then we were, then I wanted to tell her I loved her.
For the first one, shortly after high school, it took me about six months but I finally worked up the courage to approach the subject and kinda sorta told her I wanted to be more than friends and the response was that it was perfectly natural to feel that way but she wasn't interested. Then I asked myself why I was driving an hour to see her a couple times a week if it was never going to progress beyond friends (we would go out to dinner, see movies, etc -- basically everything you do when you date except the romantic involvement). I let it fade away and was kind of pissed at her for not being clear early on.
In college, I became friends with another woman, same situation, long time friends for years. We were never both out of a relationship at the same time so I never got a chance. At one point I confided in a friend that I really dug her and should I make the leap and tell her my true feelings and he slapped some sense into me. He was good friends with her as well (perhaps also romantically interested, I dunno) but I know now in hindsight that he was right. Doing so would have ended the friendship and I would have had to deal with working awkwardly near her in college for a number of years.
I ended up introducing her to her husband and though I can recall maybe one night where I harbored some guilt about her getting married and me never getting my chance, I realized the longer I knew her how incompatible we would have been. I think deep down I was smitten with her cuteness and personality at first sight and didn't see all the ways it would have never worked.
It's now ten years since I had the hots for her and looking at who she is as a person, if we would have ever gotten together I'm certain we'd be apart now. I found someone totally compatible and I couldn't be happier.
So my advice would be to play it very carefully and be prepared to never speak to them again as a rejection will be very awkward. If it is worth losing a friend over, go ahead, but unless you're really sure or have some feeling that it's not entirely one-sided, I'd be cautious. There are a million fish in the sea.
posted by mathowie at 5:22 PM on October 11, 2005
For the first one, shortly after high school, it took me about six months but I finally worked up the courage to approach the subject and kinda sorta told her I wanted to be more than friends and the response was that it was perfectly natural to feel that way but she wasn't interested. Then I asked myself why I was driving an hour to see her a couple times a week if it was never going to progress beyond friends (we would go out to dinner, see movies, etc -- basically everything you do when you date except the romantic involvement). I let it fade away and was kind of pissed at her for not being clear early on.
In college, I became friends with another woman, same situation, long time friends for years. We were never both out of a relationship at the same time so I never got a chance. At one point I confided in a friend that I really dug her and should I make the leap and tell her my true feelings and he slapped some sense into me. He was good friends with her as well (perhaps also romantically interested, I dunno) but I know now in hindsight that he was right. Doing so would have ended the friendship and I would have had to deal with working awkwardly near her in college for a number of years.
I ended up introducing her to her husband and though I can recall maybe one night where I harbored some guilt about her getting married and me never getting my chance, I realized the longer I knew her how incompatible we would have been. I think deep down I was smitten with her cuteness and personality at first sight and didn't see all the ways it would have never worked.
It's now ten years since I had the hots for her and looking at who she is as a person, if we would have ever gotten together I'm certain we'd be apart now. I found someone totally compatible and I couldn't be happier.
So my advice would be to play it very carefully and be prepared to never speak to them again as a rejection will be very awkward. If it is worth losing a friend over, go ahead, but unless you're really sure or have some feeling that it's not entirely one-sided, I'd be cautious. There are a million fish in the sea.
posted by mathowie at 5:22 PM on October 11, 2005
Love = Risky
If you are totally risk averse forget about love.
posted by Carbolic at 5:25 PM on October 11, 2005
If you are totally risk averse forget about love.
posted by Carbolic at 5:25 PM on October 11, 2005
However, do try to avoid the following dialogue:
Jenny: Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you trusted me enough to be open about your feelings! What was it that gave you the courage to fly all the way out here?
Brian: THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO DO IT.
posted by flashboy at 5:26 PM on October 11, 2005
Jenny: Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you trusted me enough to be open about your feelings! What was it that gave you the courage to fly all the way out here?
Brian: THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO DO IT.
posted by flashboy at 5:26 PM on October 11, 2005
And what flashboy said. (My new excuse for everything.)
posted by Carbolic at 5:29 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by Carbolic at 5:29 PM on October 11, 2005
They say that all poets must have and unrequited lovethere's no love question that cannot be answered by a TT D'Arby song. go for it
As all lovers must have thought provoking fears
posted by matteo at 6:03 PM on October 11, 2005
and if you get lucky, just get the lyrics for She Kissed Me
posted by matteo at 6:04 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by matteo at 6:04 PM on October 11, 2005
There is an awful lot of "go for it" here and very little consideration of the details given.
You are 3000 miles away and not soon going to live in the same city. Should you buy a plane ticket? Well, it depends. Tell her how you feel first, on the phone, or via your favorite means of communication. Her answer will make it very easy for you to decide whether or not to visit.
Of course, if may be tempting to skip that step and just get on the plane. But that would be stupid. It's easy to fantasize that the journey itself is romantic, and that therefore, by making it, you are bringing romance with you. But that ain't the truth. You should ask yourself why you are even tempted to buy the ticket without first telling her how you feel. If you really need a 3000 mile trip to work up the courage to confess your 'love,' then you have a problem. Spend some time dwelling on that problem. Be honest about it. Explore various ways to deal with it that do not involve serious and potentially futile investments of time, money, and energy.
posted by bingo at 6:16 PM on October 11, 2005
You are 3000 miles away and not soon going to live in the same city. Should you buy a plane ticket? Well, it depends. Tell her how you feel first, on the phone, or via your favorite means of communication. Her answer will make it very easy for you to decide whether or not to visit.
Of course, if may be tempting to skip that step and just get on the plane. But that would be stupid. It's easy to fantasize that the journey itself is romantic, and that therefore, by making it, you are bringing romance with you. But that ain't the truth. You should ask yourself why you are even tempted to buy the ticket without first telling her how you feel. If you really need a 3000 mile trip to work up the courage to confess your 'love,' then you have a problem. Spend some time dwelling on that problem. Be honest about it. Explore various ways to deal with it that do not involve serious and potentially futile investments of time, money, and energy.
posted by bingo at 6:16 PM on October 11, 2005
bingo, he'll regret it if he doesn't do it. when she marries another guy, especially.
posted by matteo at 6:21 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by matteo at 6:21 PM on October 11, 2005
matteo: He'll regret it if he doesn't *tell her.* Not if he doesn't *fly 3000 miles without knowing.*
posted by bingo at 6:32 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by bingo at 6:32 PM on October 11, 2005
There is nothing better than marrying one's best friend. Go for it. Just remember that staying in love requires some amount of effort.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:32 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by five fresh fish at 6:32 PM on October 11, 2005
he needs to look her in the eyes.
she needs to look him in the eyes. then she'll know
posted by matteo at 6:34 PM on October 11, 2005
she needs to look him in the eyes. then she'll know
posted by matteo at 6:34 PM on October 11, 2005
Bingo, bingo.
Matteo, you're being a bit moony...
posted by klangklangston at 6:52 PM on October 11, 2005
Matteo, you're being a bit moony...
posted by klangklangston at 6:52 PM on October 11, 2005
I can share a similar story: Mad crush on a friend. We had a couple of tries at intimacy but it didn't click for her, so she retreated and avoided me for some time. But I was able to be patient and persistent in demonstrating that I valued our friendship over all. Once she understood that I wasn't going to be a creepy stalker like some of her former dumpees, we got back on the right track and we're best buds to this day.
So, IMHO, act on your feelings, but do it with some grace and good humor so she can be comfortable with whatever reaction she feels.
Maybe share a bottle of wine and a blanket on the porch swing, and steer conversation towards your long, close friendship that has survived while each other's various romances have come and gone. When the pregnant pause arrives and your eyes inevitably meet in that silent, meaningful gaze, glance down at her lips, then back to her eyes. If she's still locked on you, move for the kiss.
If she turns ahead, drains her glass, and starts calling for the cat, retreat gracefully.
posted by Tubes at 6:56 PM on October 11, 2005
So, IMHO, act on your feelings, but do it with some grace and good humor so she can be comfortable with whatever reaction she feels.
Of course, you'll be able to say this more naturally, but be sure to hit the main points:Ugh, yeah, more naturally please.
"I know you may not reciprocate this, but I'm in love with you. I trust you enough to tell you this even so, because I trust that we'll be able to continue as friends even if you don't reciprocate. I'm ready for that - but I don't feel comfortable carrying this around on my own shoulders, so I thought I should share." -metaculpa
Maybe share a bottle of wine and a blanket on the porch swing, and steer conversation towards your long, close friendship that has survived while each other's various romances have come and gone. When the pregnant pause arrives and your eyes inevitably meet in that silent, meaningful gaze, glance down at her lips, then back to her eyes. If she's still locked on you, move for the kiss.
If she turns ahead, drains her glass, and starts calling for the cat, retreat gracefully.
posted by Tubes at 6:56 PM on October 11, 2005
My take on this:
a) There's not enough information given about either of you to offer a really compelling answer.
b) Given what we know: you're wanting to apply risk-benefit analysis to the potential consequences and effects of the proposed transaction.
That ain't no kind of way to be in love, man.
Frankly, I think that if you have to ask, you already ain't never going to find out; and if you should have ought, you already would have done.
So my answer is:
No.
Invest the plane ticket money in government bonds at a guaranteed 3.62% rate of return. That's the smart ticket.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:15 PM on October 11, 2005
a) There's not enough information given about either of you to offer a really compelling answer.
b) Given what we know: you're wanting to apply risk-benefit analysis to the potential consequences and effects of the proposed transaction.
That ain't no kind of way to be in love, man.
Frankly, I think that if you have to ask, you already ain't never going to find out; and if you should have ought, you already would have done.
So my answer is:
No.
Invest the plane ticket money in government bonds at a guaranteed 3.62% rate of return. That's the smart ticket.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:15 PM on October 11, 2005
Do it. I gotta shoot bingo down in flames, here. DO NOT confess your love over the phone, in an email, etc. Do it in person. If you fly 3000 miles and are totally rejected, it was still worth it. If you were to do it over the phone and it somehow turned out ok (she didn't lose respect for you for not doing it in person), you'd make the trip anyway, right?
Make plans with her for the trip. Don't just show up on her doorstep unannounced. Call her, tell her you've got some time off coming up, you thought it would be nice for you to come out and the two of you could hang out for a few days. Keep it light, but make sure you'll have some alone time.
Also, if it works out, and it's meant to be, 3000 miles is nothing. You'll figure it out.
Okay, my story, if it helps: It was in college, almost a decade ago now. She was the first girl I was ever really in love with. (I felt that at the time and still believe it now - perhaps more so.) I hemmed and hawed, tried to tell her, wussed out, made excuses, etc. I finally did it - but I did it wrong. I wrote her a letter, and I received a very polite one in reply. After that, things were very awkward between us, and we didn't spend much time together anymore - and almost none alone. I don't think her answer would have been different if I had spoken to her in person, but I do think it would have been a lot less awkward and damaging to our friendship in the long run. Do I regret even asking? Heck no! I am extremely glad that I asked, and that I found out whether or not she felt the same way. It was a learning and growing experience, and I am a better person for it. Looking back, I think we are different enough people I'm not sure it would have worked out in the end, but at the time I sure didn't feel that way. If I had never asked, I would still be kicking myself, and I might not have realized to this day that it wasn't likely to work out - which would make the regret even worse.
posted by attercoppe at 7:19 PM on October 11, 2005 [1 favorite]
Make plans with her for the trip. Don't just show up on her doorstep unannounced. Call her, tell her you've got some time off coming up, you thought it would be nice for you to come out and the two of you could hang out for a few days. Keep it light, but make sure you'll have some alone time.
Also, if it works out, and it's meant to be, 3000 miles is nothing. You'll figure it out.
Okay, my story, if it helps: It was in college, almost a decade ago now. She was the first girl I was ever really in love with. (I felt that at the time and still believe it now - perhaps more so.) I hemmed and hawed, tried to tell her, wussed out, made excuses, etc. I finally did it - but I did it wrong. I wrote her a letter, and I received a very polite one in reply. After that, things were very awkward between us, and we didn't spend much time together anymore - and almost none alone. I don't think her answer would have been different if I had spoken to her in person, but I do think it would have been a lot less awkward and damaging to our friendship in the long run. Do I regret even asking? Heck no! I am extremely glad that I asked, and that I found out whether or not she felt the same way. It was a learning and growing experience, and I am a better person for it. Looking back, I think we are different enough people I'm not sure it would have worked out in the end, but at the time I sure didn't feel that way. If I had never asked, I would still be kicking myself, and I might not have realized to this day that it wasn't likely to work out - which would make the regret even worse.
posted by attercoppe at 7:19 PM on October 11, 2005 [1 favorite]
Any anecdotes from women who have had someone go 3000 miles for them? I'd imagine it's more creepy and desperate than a phone call... I dunno. Especially if it's a surprise.
posted by klangklangston at 7:36 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by klangklangston at 7:36 PM on October 11, 2005
well, i have a good story but i dont feel like typing it.
posted by naxosaxur at 7:47 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by naxosaxur at 7:47 PM on October 11, 2005
Why would you buy a plane ticket when you have a perfectly good telephone?
(I am assuming you have a perfectly good telephone.)
Much less immediate pressure on her that way. MUCH less. Flying across the continent to tell her this could be romantic, but it could also feel weirdly coercive for her and frustrating for you.
posted by 88robots at 8:17 PM on October 11, 2005
(I am assuming you have a perfectly good telephone.)
Much less immediate pressure on her that way. MUCH less. Flying across the continent to tell her this could be romantic, but it could also feel weirdly coercive for her and frustrating for you.
posted by 88robots at 8:17 PM on October 11, 2005
I agree with 88robots that flying out to see her is kind of iffy--- though it sounds wildly romantic. My boyfriend and I live 3000 miles apart too. We had previously been close friends but he decided to let me know his growing romantic feelings for me by email (i.e., he did not fly, call). I read it over and over, thrilled to pieces really because I realized that I felt the same for him, that it was there all along. So corny! He told me later that he was so nervous when clicking "send" but just had to know about the possibilities or he'd live to regret it. So in your case perhaps writing to her would be not only a face saver for you if she isn't interested romantically but would show her as well that you are not pressuring her for an immediate answer. She can then take her time reflecting on it and word her own response to you whether "yes" or "no". Either way she will write you back in a loving way if your friendship is a deep one. So yeah I concur that flying over there and springing it on her unexpectantly may not be the best idea.
Of course, a lot of posters here have stories---some totally contrary in advice but this is mine. I am a woman in NYC btw and he lives in London.
posted by clon7 at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2005
Of course, a lot of posters here have stories---some totally contrary in advice but this is mine. I am a woman in NYC btw and he lives in London.
posted by clon7 at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2005
Slightly different scenario, but I had an ex from an amicable "Let's be friends" break-up (initiated by him) come to stay with me at one point, and halfway through the evening he suddenly decided that he was interested in me again. I wasn't interested, since he had firmly moved back in the "friends" category, and it made me WILDLY uncomfortable to then have this guy sleeping in my apartment.
So if the other end of this plane ride has you staying as her houseguest, I'd probably side with the "tell her before you get there" people, so that she'll have some time to react or adjust. Because otherwise she will very likely feel pressured into sex, even if that's not your intention at all. There's just an intimacy to staying at someone's house that can get icky quickly.
posted by occhiblu at 9:26 PM on October 11, 2005
So if the other end of this plane ride has you staying as her houseguest, I'd probably side with the "tell her before you get there" people, so that she'll have some time to react or adjust. Because otherwise she will very likely feel pressured into sex, even if that's not your intention at all. There's just an intimacy to staying at someone's house that can get icky quickly.
posted by occhiblu at 9:26 PM on October 11, 2005
In college, this girl I knew wound up being one of my best friends. So much so that I nearly forgot that she was a girl and I treated her like one of my regular buddies. We spent a lot of time laughing at the same terrible things, getting drunk, sharing important opinions, and getting into mischief. I couldn't believe that I could be friends with a girl in the same way that I was friends with a guy (it had never happened to me before).
But one night, we hooked up, out of the blue. We were petrified that it'd ruin our relationship, that we'd wake up the next day and be all awkward, silent, and avoident. To our surprise and our joy, everything was perfectly normal. It was great, even. (Aside from a mean hangover.) The next day was even better, and the day after that was better than the day before. I got out of the lousy relationship that I was avoiding to be with this wonderful girl and made her my full-time priority. Day after day, the relationship was better and better. Then, she moved in with me.
She's my wife now.
She's still my best friend and the fantastic person that I was so impressed by and enamored with at the beginning. And she's still surprising me.
But, what separates that from the previous rejections that I experienced, being a friend who wanted to be more, was that the romantic attraction surprised me or snuck up on me in this case. I was so satisfied just to be friends with her that the thought of being more than that barely crossed my mind until the opportunity to go further was upon us.
In my experience, the path to lust clouds judgment (/Yoda voice). Would she be as amazing if you didn't want her physical love? Remember all of the girls who turned to to be not so great once you got over them.
But, yeah, I took a risk. It wasn't a financial risk, the way a plane ticket is (and that's a hefty gamble. Would you take that kind of cash to a poker table?). But if I had blown it with this unbelievable woman, I'd have had to see her all day every day for the remaining year and a half that we were in school together, knowing that I'd screwed it up and dealing with the excruciating awkwardness. Take comfort in the fact that if, this doesn't work out the way you wanted, there's a convenient 3000 mile buffer zone.
However, that convenient buffer zone is also an enormous obstacle in the event of success. What are you going to do if she feels strongly for you? I mean, she's not going to put this great friendship on the line just for a booty-call, no matter what distance you traveled. She's not likely to take this risk with you for a long distance relationship. Are you willing to move 3000 miles? Have an answer ready because she'll ask for one.
You seem to know this girl pretty well, having been her friend for so long and having kept in touch with her over this distance. Don't let the excitement of this prospective trip cloud your judgment and ask yourself: Realistically, what would she think if a guy flew across the continent to confess his love? Is she the kind of person who'd think that's fantastic? Or would she find it desperate and creepy?
Remember her reactions to similar events that she's told you about. Drop hints about coming to visit her and see how excited she sounds. 88robots makes a good point. I've known some women who feel coerced and pressured when a guy takes them to dinner or does favors for them. Knowing her, what kind of pressure do you think she'd feel if you spent the obvious time, money, and effort on a cross-country plane trip just to see her? How would she handle that? Ultimately, it might be better to know how she feels about you before you drop such a huge bomb on her. Although the phone might seem distancing, impersonal, and less than ideal, it might be the best option. If you don't wind up spilling your guts, at least sound her out on the possibility of visiting her.
But whatever you do, tell her how you feel. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Either a) you wind up in a relationship with her or b) the knowledge that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings frees you to pursue love wherever you may find it. Go for it (but maybe wait on the plane trip).
posted by Jon-o at 9:53 PM on October 11, 2005
But one night, we hooked up, out of the blue. We were petrified that it'd ruin our relationship, that we'd wake up the next day and be all awkward, silent, and avoident. To our surprise and our joy, everything was perfectly normal. It was great, even. (Aside from a mean hangover.) The next day was even better, and the day after that was better than the day before. I got out of the lousy relationship that I was avoiding to be with this wonderful girl and made her my full-time priority. Day after day, the relationship was better and better. Then, she moved in with me.
She's my wife now.
She's still my best friend and the fantastic person that I was so impressed by and enamored with at the beginning. And she's still surprising me.
But, what separates that from the previous rejections that I experienced, being a friend who wanted to be more, was that the romantic attraction surprised me or snuck up on me in this case. I was so satisfied just to be friends with her that the thought of being more than that barely crossed my mind until the opportunity to go further was upon us.
In my experience, the path to lust clouds judgment (/Yoda voice). Would she be as amazing if you didn't want her physical love? Remember all of the girls who turned to to be not so great once you got over them.
But, yeah, I took a risk. It wasn't a financial risk, the way a plane ticket is (and that's a hefty gamble. Would you take that kind of cash to a poker table?). But if I had blown it with this unbelievable woman, I'd have had to see her all day every day for the remaining year and a half that we were in school together, knowing that I'd screwed it up and dealing with the excruciating awkwardness. Take comfort in the fact that if, this doesn't work out the way you wanted, there's a convenient 3000 mile buffer zone.
However, that convenient buffer zone is also an enormous obstacle in the event of success. What are you going to do if she feels strongly for you? I mean, she's not going to put this great friendship on the line just for a booty-call, no matter what distance you traveled. She's not likely to take this risk with you for a long distance relationship. Are you willing to move 3000 miles? Have an answer ready because she'll ask for one.
You seem to know this girl pretty well, having been her friend for so long and having kept in touch with her over this distance. Don't let the excitement of this prospective trip cloud your judgment and ask yourself: Realistically, what would she think if a guy flew across the continent to confess his love? Is she the kind of person who'd think that's fantastic? Or would she find it desperate and creepy?
Remember her reactions to similar events that she's told you about. Drop hints about coming to visit her and see how excited she sounds. 88robots makes a good point. I've known some women who feel coerced and pressured when a guy takes them to dinner or does favors for them. Knowing her, what kind of pressure do you think she'd feel if you spent the obvious time, money, and effort on a cross-country plane trip just to see her? How would she handle that? Ultimately, it might be better to know how she feels about you before you drop such a huge bomb on her. Although the phone might seem distancing, impersonal, and less than ideal, it might be the best option. If you don't wind up spilling your guts, at least sound her out on the possibility of visiting her.
But whatever you do, tell her how you feel. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Either a) you wind up in a relationship with her or b) the knowledge that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings frees you to pursue love wherever you may find it. Go for it (but maybe wait on the plane trip).
posted by Jon-o at 9:53 PM on October 11, 2005
I'll comment, although I don't have a positive answer. I can't say 'do this' or 'don't do that'.
A very similar thing happened to me recently. I confessed my feelings, she sweetly and gently slipped the knife in, and now we're back to working at our desks side-by-side as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't dream the whole thing.
However.
I think the argument that goes 'tell her or you'll regret it forever' is flat-out wrongheaded. Regret isn't some toxic substance that must be purged from your psyche. It's that part of you that makes you gentle and careful, and encourages you to think things through.
I told her not because I was afraid I'd regret not doing it. I told her because I didn't mind if I regretted it or not. I simply didn't care what the personal cost might be. Because I knew I'd survive no matter what the outcome was.
If you do tell her, use the phone. She's not Meg Ryan and you're not Tom Hanks. Your life is not a movie. Sure, it's as romantic as hell for you to fly across a continent, but only if she reciprocates. Otherwise it's just desperate and sad. Just pick up the phone and pour your heart out in a stammering, rambling monologue the way the rest of us did.
posted by Ritchie at 11:15 PM on October 11, 2005
A very similar thing happened to me recently. I confessed my feelings, she sweetly and gently slipped the knife in, and now we're back to working at our desks side-by-side as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't dream the whole thing.
However.
I think the argument that goes 'tell her or you'll regret it forever' is flat-out wrongheaded. Regret isn't some toxic substance that must be purged from your psyche. It's that part of you that makes you gentle and careful, and encourages you to think things through.
I told her not because I was afraid I'd regret not doing it. I told her because I didn't mind if I regretted it or not. I simply didn't care what the personal cost might be. Because I knew I'd survive no matter what the outcome was.
If you do tell her, use the phone. She's not Meg Ryan and you're not Tom Hanks. Your life is not a movie. Sure, it's as romantic as hell for you to fly across a continent, but only if she reciprocates. Otherwise it's just desperate and sad. Just pick up the phone and pour your heart out in a stammering, rambling monologue the way the rest of us did.
posted by Ritchie at 11:15 PM on October 11, 2005
Ritchie, I understand your point of view here, but romance was made for moments such as these. Make a trip, have a good time, confess your feelings. If it turns out to be nothing, yeah it will hurt but I'm sure she'll be touched you took all the effort just to tell her. I doubt this friend will be weirded out too much over taking a plane trip just for this - either she wants a platonic relationship or she doesn't, but going to this effort just means anon cares.
posted by Happydaz at 11:52 PM on October 11, 2005
posted by Happydaz at 11:52 PM on October 11, 2005
Hm, having a good time is not an option no matter what anon does. The moment of telling her is going to be pure torture: for anon, for the beloved, and for any casual onlookers.
Romance is wonderful, but we all have to accept the terms of the world. Aircraft flights are exquisitely expensive thanks to high fuel costs. A better option would be to send a token (i.e. a small charming gift of some kind) through the mail to her and call her once she's received it. Then anon will be physically present with her by way of the gift - by proxy, if you will. She will be holding it or looking at it or wearing it while they talk on the phone. It's symbolic. It's romantic. It isn't over-extravagant; it's just enough. It goes right up to the line without actually crossing it.
posted by Ritchie at 12:28 AM on October 12, 2005
Romance is wonderful, but we all have to accept the terms of the world. Aircraft flights are exquisitely expensive thanks to high fuel costs. A better option would be to send a token (i.e. a small charming gift of some kind) through the mail to her and call her once she's received it. Then anon will be physically present with her by way of the gift - by proxy, if you will. She will be holding it or looking at it or wearing it while they talk on the phone. It's symbolic. It's romantic. It isn't over-extravagant; it's just enough. It goes right up to the line without actually crossing it.
posted by Ritchie at 12:28 AM on October 12, 2005
It is too late to become romantically involved?
I like this phrase from your question. Use this. Call her on the phone and ask her, just like this. I mean, this is what you really want to know, anyway -- you just wanna start dating and and being in a romantic relationship instead of a friend one. The True Love stuff can come later. Just because it took you all those years to fall for her doesn't mean you shouldn't take things slow now.
posted by JanetLand at 6:34 AM on October 12, 2005
I like this phrase from your question. Use this. Call her on the phone and ask her, just like this. I mean, this is what you really want to know, anyway -- you just wanna start dating and and being in a romantic relationship instead of a friend one. The True Love stuff can come later. Just because it took you all those years to fall for her doesn't mean you shouldn't take things slow now.
posted by JanetLand at 6:34 AM on October 12, 2005
If you're going to spend the cash for a 3000 mile fligh, also spend the cash for a hotel room. Sure, it's lose-lose monetarily (If she doesn't feel the same way, you've wasted a ticket. If she does, you've wasted a hotel) but it'd be much less awkward.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:42 AM on October 12, 2005
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:42 AM on October 12, 2005
JanetLand: You're right on. A lot of reactions here seem very black or white, but there's got to be something in the middle.
Why profess your love at all? Come on too strong, and she'll be scared away. Come on mildly, and it can grow. Ask her out on a date. Make it clear that it's a date, all romantic like. Then, fly out for the date.
I knew my wife was something special the first time I saw her. I won't say I fell in love with her that day, but it was not terribly long after. Five years later, I still loved her. We were both single at the same time. So, I took her out. Had I not taken her out, or had I come on too strong, and we might not have our baby girl, born just last month.
posted by devo at 7:51 AM on October 12, 2005
Why profess your love at all? Come on too strong, and she'll be scared away. Come on mildly, and it can grow. Ask her out on a date. Make it clear that it's a date, all romantic like. Then, fly out for the date.
I knew my wife was something special the first time I saw her. I won't say I fell in love with her that day, but it was not terribly long after. Five years later, I still loved her. We were both single at the same time. So, I took her out. Had I not taken her out, or had I come on too strong, and we might not have our baby girl, born just last month.
posted by devo at 7:51 AM on October 12, 2005
I think Ritchie, JanetLand, and devo are spot on. You don't have to choose between Mad Romance and a life of regret; you don't even have to choose between telling her on the phone and flying blind. Call her up (perhaps after sending a gift, as Ritchie suggests) and suggest going to visit her; do it in a way that's bubbly/romantic without being explicit about your feelings. Then see how she responds. If she has the sort of feelings you're hoping for, she'll be bubbly and excited in return ("Oh, what a great idea! I'm dying to see you! I can take you to my favorite restaurant, and you've just got to see [&c]"). If not, she'll be practical and perhaps a bit discouraging ("Well, it would be great to see you, but I don't know... I'm pretty busy these days... give me some time and I'll get let you know how it looks, OK?"). In the latter case, you can save both your money and your pride. In the former, you can book the flight with a decent chance of a good outcome.
All that said, 3,000 miles is really difficult, and you might want to give some serious thought to what exactly you're going to do if all goes according to your wildest fantasy.
posted by languagehat at 9:07 AM on October 12, 2005
All that said, 3,000 miles is really difficult, and you might want to give some serious thought to what exactly you're going to do if all goes according to your wildest fantasy.
posted by languagehat at 9:07 AM on October 12, 2005
I know I'll get flack for this but I stand by it, regarding the long distance thing - in the long term, if you're not willing to move for it, it ain't really love. No exceptions.
posted by nanojath at 9:01 PM on October 12, 2005
posted by nanojath at 9:01 PM on October 12, 2005
« Older Ever feel guilty about relating your volunteer... | Trying to download a specific version of the US... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
See -romantic sub-plot within.
PS I wish sometimes I walked the walk as well as talking the talk.
PPS YMMV!
posted by lalochezia at 4:07 PM on October 11, 2005