Take my husband, please.
November 16, 2013 9:39 PM   Subscribe

Calling all the comedy writers of MetaFilter! Mr. BlahLaLa have a low-key but long-running marital dispute. I've decided that I need some snappy one-liners to throw at him the next time this happens. Give them to me?

Okay. I adore Mr. BlahLaLa, let me just say this. But he gets cold in our house and we argue about whether or not (and how high) to turn up the heat. Bonus difficulty: when he's cold, Mr. B is invariably sitting around stark naked, or in just undies, or perhaps shorts. I've spent years begging him to put on a robe, or a sweatshirt or at the very least socks, to no avail.

This winter when he hits me with, "Turn up the heat, I'm cold!" I want to come back with something funny. And I can't think of a damn thing. Help!
posted by BlahLaLa to Grab Bag (30 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
"Oh, is that your excuse?" and glance meaningfully to... certain areas.
posted by Etrigan at 9:45 PM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]

"Once I kill you over this argument, you'll have Eternity to be quite warm enough."

I know, harsh! But this is SOP in my quite acerbic, but very loving, relationship. We mock-fight NONSTOP. It is such a part of our relationship that we had this engraved inside our rings:
His: "No guns"
Mine: "No knives"
as a reminder that fighting is fine, but keep it above the belt and non-lethal.
posted by thebrokedown at 10:02 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]

"Oh, I forgot to tell you: 1977 called! Jimmy Carter said to tell you to PUT ON A DAMN SWEATER."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:04 PM on November 16, 2013 [30 favorites]

"Oh, it's shrinkage! Men who wear socks don't get that, you know."

"Put on a robe, I'll help you take it off later."
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

"If you still want me to think you're Hot, you'd better start acting like it!"
posted by OHenryPacey at 11:12 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]

"Too bad that you are allergic to clothing."
posted by jadepearl at 11:12 PM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]

You may smell like a wild animal, but you don't have the fur of one, so put some fucking clothes on like a normal human being.
posted by Dansaman at 11:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]

He's nearly naked, you say?

"It's OK, Baby. I'll warm you up...;)"
posted by jbenben at 12:07 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

You'll be warm in hell, which is where people go when they waste fossil fuel.
posted by theora55 at 12:07 AM on November 17, 2013 [19 favorites]

Step One (critical): buy him a Slanket. Step Two: repurpose a whole bunch of songs for silly fun times, because now, now.... he's SLANKETMAN!

Spiderman theme becomes "Slanketman, slanketman / does whatever a blanket can / fits a sofa, any size / traps the heat between his thighs..."

Rocketman becomes, "Oh, no, no, no, I'm a Slanketman / Slanketman warming up his fuse up here alone / Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids / In fact, it's cold as Hell / And there's no one there to raise them if you did / And all this heat appliance I don't understand / It's just my job five days a week / A Slanketman, a Slanketman"

Secret Agent Man becomes, "There's a man who is a heat exchanger / To everyone he meets he stays a stranger / With every move he makes, another blanket he takes / Odds are he won't still be warm tomorrow / Secret Slanketman, secret Slanketman / They've given you a blankie and taken away your name"

Nowhere Man becomes, "He's a real Slanketman / Sitting in his Slanket land / Making all his blanket plans for nobody"

Slanketman of Constant Sorrow, etc. etc. Musical Fun for the whole family!
posted by taz at 1:57 AM on November 17, 2013 [42 favorites]

If I call your clothes "afterskin", will you put them on?
posted by Namlit at 3:08 AM on November 17, 2013

"I'm not firing up all the burners to reheat one cold sausage. Put some damn clothes on."
posted by Trivia Newton John at 3:13 AM on November 17, 2013 [38 favorites]

"I like to keep the comedy fresh."
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 3:23 AM on November 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

"If only there was something one could do about that, perhaps some not-yet-invented wearable technology future generations will discover, spun of plants or wool, that might somehow shield one from the effects of this bitter, bitter 66F environment."
posted by zippy at 3:48 AM on November 17, 2013 [34 favorites]

My patter skews a little ruder than some, so feel free to disregard. I'd make the following comment with love:
'Y'know friction is effective at raising temperature, so maybe you could go fuck yourself?'

Or the silly:
"We can't turn on the heat, I've just got my hypercolour tank exactly the shade I want it."
"But you know Tuesday is suspended animation night"
"Nope, it would harsh my penguin cosplay vibe." *flippers and penguin noises*
posted by Trivia Newton John at 4:06 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wrap his robe around him while loudly singing in an exaggerated Jagger accent

When you're ooooold when you're ooooold
nobody will knooooowww
that you were a beauty a sweet sweet beauty

And don't forget to shout, while you wrestle it onto him:
I'm a bleedin volcAAAAA--NOOOOO!
posted by third rail at 4:41 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

My wife and I occasionally say to one another "It sounds like you need to audit some courses at STFU."
posted by 4ster at 5:07 AM on November 17, 2013 [33 favorites]

"Yes, I'll direct you to our complaints department - you can go to Helen Waite."
posted by sonika at 6:15 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

You know those songs which, once heard, haunt one? Dancing Queen is one, but maybe your husband has a particular...favorite.

Let us know what that song is, and we can compose an appropriate lyrics snippet. This snippet could associate the concepts of "being cold", "wearing clothing", and "waiting five minutes", leading to a glorius chorus expounding the joys of being warm through the satisfying application of one's own abilities and the sartorial rewards of one's labors. There might or might not be macho affirmations in said lyrics.

A few repetitions of said song, in the right circumstances, perhaps with an edible treat added, should help reinforce these concepts. Eventually, you should be able to sing it together.
posted by amtho at 6:19 AM on November 17, 2013

"As the Norwegians say, there is no bad weather, only bad clothes. Or in your case, no clothes."
posted by lakeroon at 6:36 AM on November 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

zippy's response is for the win. But it should be followed up with is that you won't turn up the heat until he's still complaining of cold WHILE FULLY CLOTHED. Until then, you just don't buy that baby, it's cold inside.

I am totally picturing that episode of Sex in the City where Harry kept wandering around naked now, so um....thanks for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:23 AM on November 17, 2013

Just tell him he's not dressed well enough to complain.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:08 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'd just start reciting quotes on stubbornness.

"I don't know why I had to fall in love with someone who's more stubborn than I am." (Cassandra Clare)

"The voices of cold reason were talking, as usual, to deaf ears." (Ellis Peters)

"A man will do more for his stubbornness than for his religion or his country." (E.W. Howe)
posted by Specklet at 9:11 AM on November 17, 2013

No Socks, No Sweater, No Service.

You must be at least this clothed [raise hand to own shoulder level] to bitch about the temperature.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:22 AM on November 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Response by poster: OMG you guys are so funny. I can't wait to unleash these on him!
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:59 AM on November 17, 2013

"my darling, light of my life, sword unto my quaking loins...

i want you to know that whatever befalls us on the road of life...

you'll always be husband #1."
posted by bruce at 10:07 AM on November 17, 2013

Brrr. You could hang meat in here.

If you're cold put a hat on.
posted by three blind mice at 10:48 AM on November 17, 2013

Whenever someone close to me is being unreasonable (and don't get me wrong, this is usually me), I look lovingly into their eyes and say "It's good to want things..." and as I continue to smile, turn my attention back to whatever I was doing.

It's more Buddha than Oscar Wilde, so without sarcasm.

When done consistently, it has the nice effect of pleasantly reminding them to think about what they just asked for and if it's worth it. Not passive aggressive so much as acknowledging that sometimes we just need perspective. Useful all year round, too.

A kiss on the top of the head can be a nice coup de grĂ¢ce.
posted by qwip at 12:11 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sorry dear, I'm keeping it cold in here in hopes that you'll grow some nice fur.
*gently claw his chest* Rawwr!
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:30 PM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Not a one liner, but simply remove all your own clothing and then agree with him.
posted by sianifach at 2:36 PM on November 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

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