How do I get used to not having an item I loved?
November 16, 2013 12:21 PM   Subscribe

My house was burglarized this week and I'm taking it surprisingly well. This isn't my first time having my place broken and entered, and I know I'll eventually start feeling safe here again. But one thing that was stolen had profound sentimental value, and I feel like I'm in a bit of denial and trying to understand how to heal.

I had one piece of heirloom jewelry that was taken from me, that used to be my grandmother's. It was by far my favorite piece of jewelry...not worth much money, but it meant so much to me to have it. It's killing me to think that the thieves are probably just going to toss it because its resale value is so low. I keep finding myself thinking unrealistic things like, "Maybe they'll bring it back," or, "Maybe I'll find it on craigslist." Please. I live in Los Angeles. It's a big place. There is literally zero chance I'll ever see it again.

We've filed our police report and bought our alarm system and closed our checking accounts and put freezes on our credit, and I'm sleeping okay for someone who came home to a ransacked house just a few nights ago, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to go on with my life knowing I failed to protect this thing that meant so much to me. I no longer own anything I care that much about, but instead of feeling lighter because the burden of caring for these things has been lifted from me, I feel weighed down by guilt and regret that I didn't do more to make sure they'd stay in my possession. I know I'm blaming the victim here, but I can't help it.

See, even now, I'm tempted to add, "If you have any ideas for how I find it, let me know!" and hoping maybe the burglars are Mefites who will see this, know what I'm talking about, and contact me. This is ridiculous. It's not coming back. How do I let myself stop hoping it will?
posted by town of cats to Grab Bag (15 answers total)
 
Do something symbolic to recognize the loss.
Maybe write a letter, on nice stationary, to your grandmother about how much the necklace meant to you and how sad you are that it is gone. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes and say goodbye.
posted by metahawk at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


Sorry. That really sucks...one of my fears is losing a treasured ring from my grandma. I can't imagine how sad you must be feeling. You could call around to pawn shops in your area (or in an are areas of high crime) and put them on the alert...you can also call around to antique shops and jewelry shops, and try scouting at flea markets. I've also seen people put up flyers (like for a missing pet)... Or even post an anon rant on Craigslist, or flyer around your neighborhood asking for it back. (Only sentimental value, no questions asked for its return...)

That said, don't feel guilty about losing it. You kept it in your house, which should be a safe place! You didn't leave it dangling out a window, I assume.

But since the chances are low that you will ever get it back, is there anything else that you can do to memorialize your grandmother? Plant a tree that reminds you of the missing jewelry in your yard?
posted by stillmoving at 12:28 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


There comes a moment in life where everybody feels what you're feeling, I think. It can be one "small" object (such as this piece of jewelry) or something considerably larger-scale (one's home, its contents, perhaps even pets and loved ones). You're grieving a loss, which is totally understandable and OK to feel. Wishing you didn't have to feel it will not make it less acute.

But objects, and people, and relationships, and anything else to which we naturally attach value and significance - including ourselves - well ... it all goes away. Impermanence is the only "true" state of being. I know it sounds very hokey and new-agey, but it is a useful thing to think about.

In the last five years, I've lost my mom, the house I grew up in, my record collection (the cornerstone of my existence until age 25), a few really close friends, artworks and music that I created as a younger man ... all things that, at one point in time, constituted "The World" to me. But even though the physical objects are gone, the feelings they represented, the experiences you had, the love of your grandmother, that's eternal. You'll never lose it, and it can never be stolen from you.
posted by mykescipark at 12:30 PM on November 16, 2013 [15 favorites]


If it doesn't return to you, that lost jewellery will probably pass from person to person (mostly good people, not criminals) over many years. One day someone will fall in love with it. And many years from now, someone else may see it and remember their grandmother.

Think of it not as a loss, but as a moving-on. Objects can have complex lives.
posted by pipeski at 12:32 PM on November 16, 2013 [46 favorites]


Do you have any photos of yourself or your grandmother wearing the piece? If you do, maybe you could get one printed nicely and framed.

Do you have any idea who the maker of the piece was, or where to find something similar? I wonder if you could get someone on Etsy to make you a piece inspired by / in memory of that piece. It would not be the same as having the jewelry that your grandmother wore, but that was only a symbol in the first place.

I do empathize as someone once stole some costume earrings that had belonged to my great-grandmother. It's been more than ten years since I lost them and I still think about those and wish I had them now. But at least I have the memory.
posted by BlueJae at 1:14 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Would searching for the ring help you accept the loss, knowing you did everything you could? I've recovered stolen items in a similarly unlikely situation. It's improbable but not impossible.

Either way, I wouldn't ridicule yourself as much as you're doing for your hopes of recovering the ring. Denial is our body's natural mechanism for allowing us to accept loss at a pace we can tolerate, so that wishful thinking serves a function.

Pain motivates recrimination (how could this happen??) and a search for relief. Could you blame the criminal and burn off the "search for relief" energy by actually searching for the jewelry until you're ready to accept the loss, forgive yourself, and find other ways to meet the deeper need it filled?
posted by salvia at 1:45 PM on November 16, 2013


P.S. It sounds to me like you took perfectly reasonable precautions and that greater precautions (e.g., a safe deposit box) would've interfered with your enjoyment of the item. I doubt your grandmother would've wanted you to live in a fortress and spend lots of money on a security system just to protect some physical item she owned.
posted by salvia at 1:45 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


It might be to your advantage to keep checking with the LAPD. They keep in touch with the community via lapdonline these days and twice over the last few years they have recovered a couple of caches of jewelry from repeat offenders. On those two occasions I remember, the police posted notices to the community to encourage people who had lost items to come in to the station for a look.

The thieves may have a pattern or neighborhood they are working repeatedly or a method for fencing the jewelry. Maybe you can figure out a method for looking for the item in the right places. Good luck finding it!
posted by effluvia at 2:06 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm having a hard time figuring out how to go on with my life knowing I failed to protect this thing that meant so much to me. I no longer own anything I care that much about, but instead of feeling lighter because the burden of caring for these things has been lifted from me, I feel weighed down by guilt and regret that I didn't do more to make sure they'd stay in my possession.

Think about what you mean when you say you "failed to protect it." (You don't have to do that here in public; just consider it. Turn over the meaning in your mind.) Do you mean "put it in a safe deposit box"? Or "put it in a wall safe"? Or just "put it out of sight"?

There's the trade-off: for a piece of jewelry you wear often, it is often most convenient and more pleasing to keep it where you can see it often. To me, wearing an item of jewelry often – and keeping it close and handy – is one way of cherishing it. Is it more risky than stashing it away, under lock or out of sight? Certainly. Is it a reasonable way of keeping the object in your mind from day to day, even when you're not wearing it? Certainly.

Consider that by keeping the jewelry where you could use it, wear it, treasure it, you have honored both the object and your memories of your grandmother. You wore and adored it, which is more than can be said for much jewelry and for many heirlooms.

I'm very sorry you've lost a beloved piece of jewelry and a memento of your loved one; I'm so happy for you that you had it as long as you did, and especially that you treasured and enjoyed it.
posted by Elsa at 2:31 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


My dad made me a tea box when I left for college. It was made from the Tulip Poplar tree that was in our yard after it was damaged in a storm. I practically spent my entire 8th summer in that tree.

Four years later, in my first rental house, I was burglarized and the theives took almost every thing I had, from the electronics to the beer in the fridge. They even took my tea box.

I lost a lot of very personal and important things that day. I lost the figurines my parents had collected for me every year on my birthday. I lost the music boxes that my boyfriend had given me every year we'd dated. I lost all the ticket stubs from every movie and concert I'd been to that were stashed in the cute little rag pot that I made in 4-H.

It's been over a decade and I still get a little pissed off when I remember those things that disappeared forever because some damn crack head wanted some cash. But I also learned that my memories don't have to be tied to a physical thing. I still spent a summer in a Tulip Poplar tree. My dad still loved me enough to make a tea box out of that tree. And no thief can take that away from me.
posted by teleri025 at 2:35 PM on November 16, 2013 [9 favorites]


It's not lost, it's released. You'd be separated from it eventually, so now is the time to remember the good that it was and let it go.
posted by scruss at 2:40 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think sometimes we feel guilty for getting attached to physical things, because they're Just Things. You know, what? Fuck that, it sucks when something is taken from you, and it doubly sucks that some asshole broke into your home and took it. It's OKAY that you feel loss, and OKAY to mourn for it.
posted by radioamy at 2:42 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm really sorry to hear that. I have had something similar happen, about 20 years ago, and it took a long time for the sickness and the ache over the loss to fade. But it did. Sometimes I still think of the items and it feels sad, but it passes quickly. It's just a little healed scar, a reminder, but not painful. The same will be true for you. Just be careful of yourself, because even though you think you're getting by ok now, it's likely that the shock and anger will come rushing through soon. Be prepared and be really gentle with yourself. Own all your feelings right now, they are completely understandable.

I'm not a Buddhist but two koans helped me. Maybe they'll give you a bit of comfort.

The Master Ikkyu showed his wisdom even as a child. Once he broke the precious heirloom teacup of his teacher, and was greatly upset. While he was wondering what to do, he heard his teacher coming. Quickly he hid the pieces of the cup under his robe.
"Master," he said, "why do things die?"
"It is perfectly natural for things to die and for the matter gathered in them to separate and disintegrate," said the teacher.
"When its time has come every person and every thing must go.
"Master," said little Ikkyu, showing the pieces, "it was time for your cup to go.


The Master Ryokan lived in a poor little hut on a mountainside.
One moonlight night he came home and found a burglar looking for something to steal. But Ryokan was a hermit who owned nothing.
"Poor fellow," he said to the robber. "You have come a long way and have found nothing. But I don't want you to leave me empty-handed. Please take my clothes." And Ryokan stripped, and handed the clothes to the robber.
"Poor fellow," said naked Ryokan, going outdoors again when the inconsiderate robber had left, "How I wish I could have given him this wonderful moon."

The second one in particular helped me. They may have taken the "things", but no one could take away the love they represented. Remember that you didn't love the jewellery in and of itself, it represented the fact that you loved your Grandmother. No one can ever take that away from you. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 2:45 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


I know a woman who had a serious problem letting the material things of loved ones go. We had a long talk about it, and she realized that she was confusing the things with the people. When she was able to accept that the necklace, the figurine, the hat, the brooch, the scarf, was not a part of her mother, she was able to finally let go of some things.

The one thing that you can never lose is the memory of your loved one. She does not live on in things, but in you.
posted by dinger at 2:54 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


We were burglarized this year, too. Like you, I lost some inherited jewelry that I miss, though not as profoundly as you. One thing I thought about doing was creating some kind of artwork about it. In my case, I probably would have gone with colored pencil sketches of the lost items, as parts of a collage with other images I associate with them. The idea of having a new object with as much of the old object as possible embedded in it appeals to me. I never got around to making what I had in mind, but maybe you could.
posted by daisyace at 6:53 AM on November 17, 2013


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