I'm actually into someone. Uh... what now?
November 13, 2013 11:59 AM   Subscribe

I've taken a liking to someone and it seems that whenever this happens said person loses interest - even when they were previously quite into me. How do I prevent this from happening this time? Also, how do I not mess things up inbetween dates?

We're in our mid/early twenties.

I've only been talking to this person for two weeks and have only been on one date with them... Don't laugh but I am really into them, which freaks me out because usually I feel lukewarm about someone at best.

Now I don't know what to do between first and second date, second and third, and so on. Here's the gist of the story: Met on OkCupid, long messages back and forth, switched to texting after maybe a week. He started calling me pet names, and said he prefers to "talk to" only one person at once. I on the other hand told him to cut out the pet names because it weirded me out, and that I tended to talk to multiple people at once.

Now that I've actually been out with him and found I'm really into the guy, I don't know where I stand/what to do. I did tell him pet names were OK. Other than that, do I change anything or continue on as normal? I'm worried that if I change nothing he'll think I've lost interest or otherwise forget about me, because my communication level between dates tends to be rather low. (I could go days without talking, for examole.) On the other hand, I've had it in the past where people interested in me complained about my lack of communication - only to lose interest when I upped the communication/affection level. So I'm guessing I overdid it or something, and I don't want to do that here!

I'm also wondering if he's still talking to others as well since I said I preferred to do that when we first talked about it, but after I met him and what-not I kind of let the other people drop off and am hoping he's still doing the same. Should I bring this up? I probably shouldn't, right? It doesn't necessarily bother me if he is, moreso bothered that I was like "Yeah I don't do that," and now I'm like "Wait, uh, can I take that back?"

On his end, nothing has really changed. He hasn't complained about my level of communication and has had good things to say about me; his level hasn't dropped off, although this is hard to gauge due to the scarcity of my own messaging. But, it seems things are pretty normal.

I know I'm over-thinking here; it scares me because I'm rarely ever into someone after the first few dates. Usually it takes a long-ass time. And even if I am into someone and they're into me I tend to freak out and otherwise tell them to back off, because I don't trust things that take off quickly. But this time I don't want to do that. I just want to let things go as they naturally will and part of me worries I've already messed that up by telling him to back off in the beginning.

Oh, in case it's relevant, the first date was fine. It was hot and heavy, yadda yadda yadda, we both seemed to like each other. We both have full schedules so the second date won't happen for another week or so, which is fine with me.

I haven't talked to him about my overthinking other than to ask what he thought of me, and letting him know it was just to gauge interest since I couldn't tell. His response was positive. Other than that I feel mentioning anything else would be off-putting, and I also don't want to hurry things along... I just don't want to somehow throw the train off the tracks before it reaches it's destination, regardless of whether it's a positive or negative one.
posted by Autumn to Human Relations (8 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Why not be honest? "I'm really into you. For now, I'm going to focus on dating you alone, and see where this goes."

You can put your profile on hold for the time being.

If it doesn't work out, no biggie, just get back on again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:02 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: My opinion is that you are who you are and to just be you. To try to game the system is a short term solution. Sooner or later he has to appreciate and like you for who you are. If you think it is reasonable to talk to him about it, do so. If you want to wait until after the second date or on the second date, do that.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:04 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I haven't talked to him about my overthinking other than to ask what he thought of me

Keep that shit private. Nothing kills the first few dates like spilling insecurities.

Yes, be yourself; but be your best self, your confident self. Eventually they'll know your insecurities, but by this time they will have gotten to know your strengths and will be in a position to decide how they holistically feel about you. But for now.... yeah don't spew your inner monologues like that. Call your BFF instead.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I'd like to echo Ruthless Bunny. If you like him, tell him you like him. This can be as simple as a text that says: "Hey, I like you. Really looking forward to next Thursday :)"

Don't needle him for how he feels about you. That shit's annoying. Just be direct. If you like the guy, say so.
posted by phunniemee at 12:15 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hmm, I guess one thing stood out to me. It looks like you are feeling like you have to calculate all of the next steps just right because you're afraid of doing something to ruin it. But, if he's attracted to you (or not attracted to you) what he is liking is sort of the essence of how you are as a person, not the fact that up until this point you have followed steps A, B, C and D to get him to like you. You can't really make someone like you, or stop liking you for that matter. Be your best self and let him make up his mind. Your best self is probably not the hand-wringing one. (File under - advice I definitely need to take myself!)

If you are female, general dating norms make it so that he's not going to lose interest if you don't call him. It might make him like you more if you don't care so much. So maybe you should take it easier. Not in order to make him like you, but to make it easier on yourself.
posted by mermily at 1:56 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The safest assumption with online dating is to assume that he is contacting other people, and possibly dating them, unless he's said otherwise. And until it becomes real -- that is, until he has spent a good amount of time with you, and has volunteered to take down his profile and be exclusive with you-- he's not your boyfriend.

I don't see any advantage to you taking down your profile until he's made his full interest and intention clear. There's no reason to be emotionally monogamous with a guy you barely know.
posted by nacho fries at 9:51 PM on November 13, 2013

Best answer: It looks like you are feeling like you have to calculate all of the next steps just right because you're afraid of doing something to ruin it.

Sometimes doing the wrong thing makes people more appealing. Everyone is different and there's not one right way to be in relationships. If it's meant to be, it'll be easy. The hard stuff isn't supposed to come in the first few dates.
posted by empath at 3:02 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I guess it doesn't make any sense to mark them all as best answer, but they were all helpful! I told him I was really into him and left it at that; not going to say anything else about whether he likes me etc etc.
posted by Autumn at 3:27 PM on November 14, 2013

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