Dating Woes
October 21, 2013 4:33 PM Subscribe
My partner has an abundance of free time. I do not. This is a constant source of conflict for us. I thought I had a practical solution, but it's not working. Can you help me figure this out?
Me: late 20s, I work full-time in a social-services environment and I'm in grad school.
Him: late 30s, self-employed, sets his own hours, works alone. We've known each other for about a year, we've been dating for about two months.
I'm a busy person and an introvert to boot. I really value my free time, but I've been sacrificing a lot of it to spend time with my partner. Sometimes I need space to get things done or just have 'me-time' to decompress after work/school/whatever. Instead of just saying "I need space! Leave me alone!" and leaving him hanging, I usually say, "Hey, I need some time to do XYZ, can we meet up at 7:00?". I feel that this is a good compromise because I'm expressing my need to be alone but also setting up a concrete time to be with him, so I'm not blowing him off entirely.
What has been happening is that he'll just show up at my house or call me before our scheduled time. It frustrates me because sometimes I'll be in the middle of doing something, and I feel like I have to drop whatever I'm doing to pay attention to him and spend time with him. Last night, we made plans to meet somewhere at 8. He asked if he could come over before, and I said, "No, I need to run some errands and do things. I'll just meet you in an hour, at 8." He comes over anyway, 15-20 minutes later, looking super-distressed and says "Are we okay? I feel like you don't want to spend time with me!" This was obviously very irritating. We talked about it last night, and I felt like we had some resolution, but it happened again today.
He tried to bring me lunch at work, but I was in a meeting, so he dropped it off. I texted him 'Thank you, you're so sweet'. Later, he tried calling me. Then he texted me, asking if he could bring me a smoothie. I couldn't talk, so I texted him "thanks, but I don't need one. Let's meet up later". I called him when I had a free minute, told him I had to work late, and made plans to meet up at 7:30. At 5:30, he calls me, super-distressed again, saying "I just wanted to apologize for calling and bothering you all day today" and I got upset, saying "I cannot talk about this right now. I will talk to you at 7:30."
I don't know what to do in this situation. We've talked about it over and over again, but we're both frustrated. I know it's hard for him to be by himself all of the time (he works in construction, so it's just him and a bunch of wood, little human interaction). I try to send cute little texts or notes or call when I have time, but I can't be the only social outlet for him. It's too much for me to bear.
I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, but maybe I am? I want to spend time with him, but am I being selfish for wanting to do it on my own terms? I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years, so I don't have a good frame of reference for how these things work. I'm so used to spending time by myself, it's hard to adjust to having another person in my life. I'm hoping the Hivemind can give me some perspective because I don't know what to do.
Me: late 20s, I work full-time in a social-services environment and I'm in grad school.
Him: late 30s, self-employed, sets his own hours, works alone. We've known each other for about a year, we've been dating for about two months.
I'm a busy person and an introvert to boot. I really value my free time, but I've been sacrificing a lot of it to spend time with my partner. Sometimes I need space to get things done or just have 'me-time' to decompress after work/school/whatever. Instead of just saying "I need space! Leave me alone!" and leaving him hanging, I usually say, "Hey, I need some time to do XYZ, can we meet up at 7:00?". I feel that this is a good compromise because I'm expressing my need to be alone but also setting up a concrete time to be with him, so I'm not blowing him off entirely.
What has been happening is that he'll just show up at my house or call me before our scheduled time. It frustrates me because sometimes I'll be in the middle of doing something, and I feel like I have to drop whatever I'm doing to pay attention to him and spend time with him. Last night, we made plans to meet somewhere at 8. He asked if he could come over before, and I said, "No, I need to run some errands and do things. I'll just meet you in an hour, at 8." He comes over anyway, 15-20 minutes later, looking super-distressed and says "Are we okay? I feel like you don't want to spend time with me!" This was obviously very irritating. We talked about it last night, and I felt like we had some resolution, but it happened again today.
He tried to bring me lunch at work, but I was in a meeting, so he dropped it off. I texted him 'Thank you, you're so sweet'. Later, he tried calling me. Then he texted me, asking if he could bring me a smoothie. I couldn't talk, so I texted him "thanks, but I don't need one. Let's meet up later". I called him when I had a free minute, told him I had to work late, and made plans to meet up at 7:30. At 5:30, he calls me, super-distressed again, saying "I just wanted to apologize for calling and bothering you all day today" and I got upset, saying "I cannot talk about this right now. I will talk to you at 7:30."
I don't know what to do in this situation. We've talked about it over and over again, but we're both frustrated. I know it's hard for him to be by himself all of the time (he works in construction, so it's just him and a bunch of wood, little human interaction). I try to send cute little texts or notes or call when I have time, but I can't be the only social outlet for him. It's too much for me to bear.
I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, but maybe I am? I want to spend time with him, but am I being selfish for wanting to do it on my own terms? I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years, so I don't have a good frame of reference for how these things work. I'm so used to spending time by myself, it's hard to adjust to having another person in my life. I'm hoping the Hivemind can give me some perspective because I don't know what to do.
You are not being unreasonable. Even if you both had super open schedules, it would STILL be important for you to have your own interests, activities, friends, etc. and you'd still have the right to request and receive down time. I think you should help your boyfriend brainstorm other social outlets -- maybe getting a membership at a co-working place in your area (we have one in our city that a friend of mine swears by, NextSpace), working at coffee shops more often, meeting up with another self-employed friend for afternoon work sessions, taking a class by himself, etc. etc. But ultimately this is his problem to solve.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:42 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:42 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have been here and it is really not your problem to fix, it's his. If he doesn't want to be alone as much as he is, then he needs to expand his social circle, change his work arrangements, etc. However if you keep taking his calls and answering his texts, he'll keep calling and texting. If you say 7:30, be unavailable until 7:30. And if it were me my office would be 100% off limits. You're working.
It's been only 2 months and you've already got a recurring daily issue. If he can't respect your boundaries now, when do you think he will?
posted by headnsouth at 4:50 PM on October 21, 2013 [38 favorites]
It's been only 2 months and you've already got a recurring daily issue. If he can't respect your boundaries now, when do you think he will?
posted by headnsouth at 4:50 PM on October 21, 2013 [38 favorites]
Whoa. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I don't think he's trying to control you either. I think he's just really needy. He sounds like he likes and needs way more contact throughout the day and week than you do. Yeah, it probably doesn't help that he's self-employed and works from home and you are busy in an office, but it just sounds like you two aren't compatible as things are right now.
I agree he could use his own friends or some other social obligations to take up his time. I swear my active involvement in college radio, profssional associations, bands, and rec league soccer (none of which my partner partakes in) is the key to my happy relationship.
So tell him he needs to chill and pull back a bit, and if he can't break up. It's not going to work out.
posted by kendrak at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I agree he could use his own friends or some other social obligations to take up his time. I swear my active involvement in college radio, profssional associations, bands, and rec league soccer (none of which my partner partakes in) is the key to my happy relationship.
So tell him he needs to chill and pull back a bit, and if he can't break up. It's not going to work out.
posted by kendrak at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
What did he do with all his spare time before you started going out? Like, in July, what was he doing then? He should do more of that. And you should not reply to his texts until it's a good time for you.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:07 PM on October 21, 2013
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:07 PM on October 21, 2013
Best answer: You've been dating for two months? Consider this problem an early warning sign. If a friend, never mind a boyfriend, and I were communicating this badly about something so basic, I would think very hard about how much time/effort I'd want to invest in that relationship, because man, it is not going to get any easier from here on out.
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:08 PM on October 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:08 PM on October 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
No, you are not being unreasonable. It doesn't matter whether he's being controlling or needy, what matters is that he is not respecting your needs and space even though it sounds like you are doing a lot to try to respect his.
If this is something he's not willing to work on -- having other outlets, respecting your space - you are probably in the wrong relationship.
posted by sm1tten at 5:14 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If this is something he's not willing to work on -- having other outlets, respecting your space - you are probably in the wrong relationship.
posted by sm1tten at 5:14 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're not being unreasonable, you two may simply be a poor match for each other. I've been in a similar situation - struggling to meet in the middle basically meant that neither of us were very happy, and ultimately I'm glad we're not together - that's no slight on her, she was wonderful.
He needs more people-time than can come from you alone. He should be filling the gap with time with friends. This might involve making more friends, or becoming active in more groups. I don't think it all needs to be you-time, but he needs to get his social time somehow.
posted by anonymisc at 5:16 PM on October 21, 2013
He needs more people-time than can come from you alone. He should be filling the gap with time with friends. This might involve making more friends, or becoming active in more groups. I don't think it all needs to be you-time, but he needs to get his social time somehow.
posted by anonymisc at 5:16 PM on October 21, 2013
I don't disagree with what other folks have said, but I want to add a different angle -- when you don't have time to talk to him, and you have set a time to meet/talk and he calls early, maybe you should try not answering the phone.
That isn't the entire solution, but it should 1, mean that you get your alone time with less disruption, and 2, over time mean that he starts sticking to the schedule more, since he won't be able to get attention by calling you early. If you really need it, you can have a not-to-be-abused emergency code (like a text message that says "EMERGENCY" or something).
posted by willbaude at 5:17 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
That isn't the entire solution, but it should 1, mean that you get your alone time with less disruption, and 2, over time mean that he starts sticking to the schedule more, since he won't be able to get attention by calling you early. If you really need it, you can have a not-to-be-abused emergency code (like a text message that says "EMERGENCY" or something).
posted by willbaude at 5:17 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
He sounds really needy, and I wouldn't be surprised if you could never have enough free time for him.
It's been two months? I'd move on, and be prepared for a flurry of apologies.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:27 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's been two months? I'd move on, and be prepared for a flurry of apologies.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:27 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
HE sounds needy. Bringing lunch to work? Coming over when uninvited ( 2 hours early). Sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries. Don't answer the door, don't reply to his texts right away. If he asks why, just say "I was working. I don't like to be interrupted." That should be enough if not, then he is dense as hell. And the whole calling to apologize for calling too much? Seems like he realized he has a problem, yet sadly doesn't know what to do in his situation.
Maybe he is more extroverted than you? You two need to sit down and discuss "I need more down time than you. Maybe you can get some hobbies?"
The advice above is good.
posted by eq21 at 5:33 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Maybe he is more extroverted than you? You two need to sit down and discuss "I need more down time than you. Maybe you can get some hobbies?"
The advice above is good.
posted by eq21 at 5:33 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You aren't unreasonable, but he is passive-agressively controlling, especially considering you've only been dating for two months.
It isn't YOUR fault that he has chosen to work alone, with very little human interaction; and correspondingly, it isn't your responsibility to make up for that lack in his life. You're already compromising by telling him you'll see him or call at 7:30 or whatever when you actually have other things you want or need to to; now HE needs to back the heck off and do some compromising of his own.
It might seem nice for him to bring your lunch, but unless he has received your approval IN ADVANCE he should stay away from your office. If you tell him to come over in an hour and he shows up in 15 minutes, tell him you're sorry, but come back later and then CLOSE THE DOOR. The multiple emails, texts and phone calls are even easier: tell him now that you cannot keep responding to him on company time, then let his calls go to voicemail and ignore his messages until after you have gotten off work or out of school for the day.
For this early in a relationship, he's really dumping an unreasonable amount of pressure on you.
posted by easily confused at 5:40 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
It isn't YOUR fault that he has chosen to work alone, with very little human interaction; and correspondingly, it isn't your responsibility to make up for that lack in his life. You're already compromising by telling him you'll see him or call at 7:30 or whatever when you actually have other things you want or need to to; now HE needs to back the heck off and do some compromising of his own.
It might seem nice for him to bring your lunch, but unless he has received your approval IN ADVANCE he should stay away from your office. If you tell him to come over in an hour and he shows up in 15 minutes, tell him you're sorry, but come back later and then CLOSE THE DOOR. The multiple emails, texts and phone calls are even easier: tell him now that you cannot keep responding to him on company time, then let his calls go to voicemail and ignore his messages until after you have gotten off work or out of school for the day.
For this early in a relationship, he's really dumping an unreasonable amount of pressure on you.
posted by easily confused at 5:40 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Even if you don't need more time or are an introvert or a recluse or just plain mean*, that is no excuse for him to treat your requests as so much noise. He's not listening to you and not respecting you. I agree with everyone above that you should not be available to him when you say you aren't: don't answer texts, don't take phone calls, don't answer the door if possible. At the same time, try to find out why he can't be okay with meeting you at 7:30. This may be something you can sort out, but you can't be available when you say you aren't, and see if there's anything you can discuss that will help if he's feeling needy or bored. If he's doing this to be controlling then he can take a hike.
* I am not saying you are at all, I think you are the one being put upon here; but even mean people get to set boundaries!
posted by oneirodynia at 5:41 PM on October 21, 2013
* I am not saying you are at all, I think you are the one being put upon here; but even mean people get to set boundaries!
posted by oneirodynia at 5:41 PM on October 21, 2013
I think this is not a red flag, but it's a warning sign.
Once you've made plans, don't answer his calls or texts during the day until your meeting time. (You could text him once at lunch, and once after work, but this might be too much.) If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. If he says you don't want to spend time with him, say that you do, but not when you've said you need time for yourself.
Either he will be okay with this or he won't be. It's okay for him to want a lot of time with you. (It isn't okay for him to do what he's doing.) It's okay for you to want time on your own. But this might make you guys a bad match.
posted by jeather at 5:55 PM on October 21, 2013
Once you've made plans, don't answer his calls or texts during the day until your meeting time. (You could text him once at lunch, and once after work, but this might be too much.) If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. If he says you don't want to spend time with him, say that you do, but not when you've said you need time for yourself.
Either he will be okay with this or he won't be. It's okay for him to want a lot of time with you. (It isn't okay for him to do what he's doing.) It's okay for you to want time on your own. But this might make you guys a bad match.
posted by jeather at 5:55 PM on October 21, 2013
He needs to join some kind of volunteer thing. Bonus: he'll meet people who might eventually lead to more business for him. If he doesn't need more business, trust me, there are untold other benefits to be had (aside from helping you keep your sanity).
posted by amtho at 6:02 PM on October 21, 2013
posted by amtho at 6:02 PM on October 21, 2013
Whoa, I was about to say cut the guy some slack, and then I saw it had only been 2 months. You guys should still be getting used to each other, not be attached at the hip already! I'm also an introvert and it takes me time to integrate someone into my life. No way would it happen after only 2 months!
This would drive me bananas and I would stop picking up the phone. I think in the long term it would strangle my blooming affection. Talking to him about it will only do so much good; I mean, you've done that and it hasn't worked, and he hasn't been able to change your position either.
I hate to jump to DT(not a)MFA, but I think this is a big ol' warning sign.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:17 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This would drive me bananas and I would stop picking up the phone. I think in the long term it would strangle my blooming affection. Talking to him about it will only do so much good; I mean, you've done that and it hasn't worked, and he hasn't been able to change your position either.
I hate to jump to DT(not a)MFA, but I think this is a big ol' warning sign.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:17 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hey... I've been that guy, though it was when I was very young. The girl I was dating was never explicit about her need for time to herself, and I was too dumb to read between the lines. So she started pulling away which made me think "I have to try HARDER" and I did crazy things like this guy is doing.
I know better now but maybe... just maybe... I would have backed off if we'd had a chat about it and she'd been up front about her need for her own space. So the only concrete advice I can give you other than DTMFA is to reverse this phrase:
"Instead of just saying 'I need space! Leave me alone!' and leaving him hanging, I usually say, 'Hey, I need some time to do XYZ, can we meet up at 7:00?'"
Though I might phrase it more like "hey, I'm a busy person and an introvert to boot. I really value my free time. Sometimes I need space to get things done or just have 'me-time' to decompress after work/school/whatever. I need you to respect this."
Good luck.
posted by Admira at 6:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [14 favorites]
I know better now but maybe... just maybe... I would have backed off if we'd had a chat about it and she'd been up front about her need for her own space. So the only concrete advice I can give you other than DTMFA is to reverse this phrase:
"Instead of just saying 'I need space! Leave me alone!' and leaving him hanging, I usually say, 'Hey, I need some time to do XYZ, can we meet up at 7:00?'"
Though I might phrase it more like "hey, I'm a busy person and an introvert to boot. I really value my free time. Sometimes I need space to get things done or just have 'me-time' to decompress after work/school/whatever. I need you to respect this."
Good luck.
posted by Admira at 6:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [14 favorites]
Hmm. For what it's worth, I can sort of sympathize with your boyfriend. Can you tell him when he shows up something to the effect of, "Dude, you can totally be here and I think you are great, but until 7:30 on the dot I am going to be vigorously doing X and completely ignoring you. Please sit there and do not talk to me. Then at 7:31 I will give you a big hug."
Is it an overarching issue of him wanting to be close and you needing space, or is it confined to this thing?
posted by mermily at 6:27 PM on October 21, 2013
Is it an overarching issue of him wanting to be close and you needing space, or is it confined to this thing?
posted by mermily at 6:27 PM on October 21, 2013
Best answer: You are communicating your needs, empathizing with his, compromising, and being honest -- you are being perfectly reasonable. He, on the other hand, is not. He's not only *not* doing any of the above things that you are, he's crossing your boundaries and turning it around on you when you aren't super pleased about it. To me, that's a huge red flag.
Imagine him still refusing to respect your boundaries or listen to you, only now you live in the same apartment as him/sleep in the same bed as him/have children with him. Disrespectful boundary-trampling is something that gets even tougher to deal with as your lives become more intertwined and you're more intimate. It can easily become dangerous, but even if it doesn't, it's crazy-making. Personally, if I were you, I'd be freaked enough at his disregard and disrespect that I'd DTMF. If you don't feel that's warranted, though, I think you should at least lay it out for him:
-- he's disregarding what you say
-- he's putting his needs above yours
-- he's guilt-tripping you when you call him on it
Is he OK with that? Is that what he wants to communicate to you -- that he doesn't care what you say or need, and he's willing to use emotional blackmail to make you do things his way? If not, then his behavior needs to change. Changes he could make: sticking by agreements, respecting your time and that you get to decide what you do with it (ie, not showing up at whatever time he wants), respecting that your work and home are yours and you get to decide who is there when (ie, not showing up at those places uninvited or twisting your arm for an invitation), taking enough ownership over his own needs that you aren't burdened with taking care of all them, putting your needs ahead of his at times (also known as compromising)...etc.
However, like I said, this guy pings my alarms because he is ignoring your boundaries and trying to manipulate you (the "super distressed" calls, etc) into thinking that's OK. It is *not* reasonable for him to expect complete access to you and all areas of your life, and it is *not* reasonable for him to expect you to meet *all* of his needs (especially while he ignores yours) -- it *is* perfectly reasonable for that to freak you out and overwhelm you. Please don't twist yourself into knots trying to meet unreasonable demands. At least try to slow things down a bit, because it seems like he's trying to get you on lock-down, and *awfully* fast.
posted by rue72 at 7:32 PM on October 21, 2013 [13 favorites]
Imagine him still refusing to respect your boundaries or listen to you, only now you live in the same apartment as him/sleep in the same bed as him/have children with him. Disrespectful boundary-trampling is something that gets even tougher to deal with as your lives become more intertwined and you're more intimate. It can easily become dangerous, but even if it doesn't, it's crazy-making. Personally, if I were you, I'd be freaked enough at his disregard and disrespect that I'd DTMF. If you don't feel that's warranted, though, I think you should at least lay it out for him:
-- he's disregarding what you say
-- he's putting his needs above yours
-- he's guilt-tripping you when you call him on it
Is he OK with that? Is that what he wants to communicate to you -- that he doesn't care what you say or need, and he's willing to use emotional blackmail to make you do things his way? If not, then his behavior needs to change. Changes he could make: sticking by agreements, respecting your time and that you get to decide what you do with it (ie, not showing up at whatever time he wants), respecting that your work and home are yours and you get to decide who is there when (ie, not showing up at those places uninvited or twisting your arm for an invitation), taking enough ownership over his own needs that you aren't burdened with taking care of all them, putting your needs ahead of his at times (also known as compromising)...etc.
However, like I said, this guy pings my alarms because he is ignoring your boundaries and trying to manipulate you (the "super distressed" calls, etc) into thinking that's OK. It is *not* reasonable for him to expect complete access to you and all areas of your life, and it is *not* reasonable for him to expect you to meet *all* of his needs (especially while he ignores yours) -- it *is* perfectly reasonable for that to freak you out and overwhelm you. Please don't twist yourself into knots trying to meet unreasonable demands. At least try to slow things down a bit, because it seems like he's trying to get you on lock-down, and *awfully* fast.
posted by rue72 at 7:32 PM on October 21, 2013 [13 favorites]
I think you should explain to him that you're an introvert and you need that alone time to decompress and recharge. With your plan of telling him "I have to do x until 7", you're going to constantly be trying to figure out what x is going to be this time. And it could start to feel like you're making excuses not to see him. He might already feel that from your tone or body language or whatever. And then he comes over early (not ok, btw) and if you're not not busy doing whatever or if you stop to see him, it feels like whatever your "excuse" was was ingenuine. And then he freaks out gets clingy because he feels you pulling away and wants to fix it. (I've been on both sides of this dynamic; they both suck.)
So I think you should straight up tell him "I need some alone time. Sometimes being around people all day exhausts me and I need to be alone to recharge. I might not be "busy" but it's just as important as if I were. I'll always need that and I'd need it no matter who I were dating, so I need you to respect that. "
posted by Weeping_angel at 8:15 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
So I think you should straight up tell him "I need some alone time. Sometimes being around people all day exhausts me and I need to be alone to recharge. I might not be "busy" but it's just as important as if I were. I'll always need that and I'd need it no matter who I were dating, so I need you to respect that. "
posted by Weeping_angel at 8:15 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think you need to break up with him because you cannot possibly give him enough attention and he is apparently miserable about it. Plus what everyone else said about boundaries and clingy and having his own life.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on October 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on October 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
It is a hard-line dealbreaker for me if people won't accept my "no."
Last night, we made plans to meet somewhere at 8. He asked if he could come over before, and I said, "No, I need to run some errands and do things. I'll just meet you in an hour, at 8." He comes over anyway, 15-20 minutes later, looking super-distressed and says "Are we okay? I feel like you don't want to spend time with me!" This was obviously very irritating. We talked about it last night, and I felt like we had some resolution, but it happened again today.
Honestly I'd have a hard time letting this above situation go, but I could perhaps see the merit in one come-to-Jesus talk. But then having it happen again the very next day, well, I would break up with the person instantly. Because best-case scenario we're just totally incompatible; worst-case is that they're boundary-breaking on purpose.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:14 PM on October 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
Last night, we made plans to meet somewhere at 8. He asked if he could come over before, and I said, "No, I need to run some errands and do things. I'll just meet you in an hour, at 8." He comes over anyway, 15-20 minutes later, looking super-distressed and says "Are we okay? I feel like you don't want to spend time with me!" This was obviously very irritating. We talked about it last night, and I felt like we had some resolution, but it happened again today.
Honestly I'd have a hard time letting this above situation go, but I could perhaps see the merit in one come-to-Jesus talk. But then having it happen again the very next day, well, I would break up with the person instantly. Because best-case scenario we're just totally incompatible; worst-case is that they're boundary-breaking on purpose.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:14 PM on October 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: No. You're not unreasonable. You're not being selfish. Please NEVER feel that you're being selfish/unreasonable because you are trying to set your own boundaries.
He may disagree or not understand things your way. He may be trying to manipulate you. The nervous introverted part of me is saying: GTFO, before he puts you in complete shutdown and controls your every waking moment! He's twisting this to make it all about him, and making you out to be the bad guy because you wouldn't meet his every need. The logical part of me is saying that maybe he's just lonely, too shy to make new friends, or simply needy. The optimistic side of me is saying he's just in love with you and that he doesn't realize what he's doing. There are many possibilities.
The key thing, however, is saying... YOU feel smothered, frustrated, unsure what to do, and obviously, a burden. Is this a healthy relationship? No. It's not. It's not fair to you. I'd recommend a "come-to-jesus" talk, upon preview of what vegrtanipla suggested. If that doesn't work, buh-bye. You can do better than that. Clingy people aren't healthy for you, and it's not fair to keep him in the relationship, too, because he could be completely oblivious to your feelings.
I know relationships are complicated and hard, but I seriously think there's something not quite right about this picture. I consider myself clingy at times with people (something I'm working on), but I'd NEVER show up before expected when explicitly asked to, and I sure as hell wouldn't continue to call. I'd just wait until 7:30 to share my feelings instead of freaking out and calling every few hours. Something's wrong, me thinks.
Good luck. Hang in there. Ask yourself: is this the kind of thing you really want to cope with for the rest of your life? Is he really worth it?
posted by dubious_dude at 9:18 PM on October 21, 2013
He may disagree or not understand things your way. He may be trying to manipulate you. The nervous introverted part of me is saying: GTFO, before he puts you in complete shutdown and controls your every waking moment! He's twisting this to make it all about him, and making you out to be the bad guy because you wouldn't meet his every need. The logical part of me is saying that maybe he's just lonely, too shy to make new friends, or simply needy. The optimistic side of me is saying he's just in love with you and that he doesn't realize what he's doing. There are many possibilities.
The key thing, however, is saying... YOU feel smothered, frustrated, unsure what to do, and obviously, a burden. Is this a healthy relationship? No. It's not. It's not fair to you. I'd recommend a "come-to-jesus" talk, upon preview of what vegrtanipla suggested. If that doesn't work, buh-bye. You can do better than that. Clingy people aren't healthy for you, and it's not fair to keep him in the relationship, too, because he could be completely oblivious to your feelings.
I know relationships are complicated and hard, but I seriously think there's something not quite right about this picture. I consider myself clingy at times with people (something I'm working on), but I'd NEVER show up before expected when explicitly asked to, and I sure as hell wouldn't continue to call. I'd just wait until 7:30 to share my feelings instead of freaking out and calling every few hours. Something's wrong, me thinks.
Good luck. Hang in there. Ask yourself: is this the kind of thing you really want to cope with for the rest of your life? Is he really worth it?
posted by dubious_dude at 9:18 PM on October 21, 2013
Best answer: You are not being unreasonable; he's being super-clingy. And despite everyone else's advice in this thread, this is NOT about you being an introvert. It makes no difference if you're not seeing someone until 8 because you want alone time or because you're scrubbing mold off the shower curtain or because you're wanking to anime pony porn; the point is, you have a date at 8 and him continually showing up earlier, needy and whining, that is totally about his "special personality features", not yours.
Some people need to be together all the time in a relationship. It is important that you and whomever you are dating be well-matched in independence. This is apparently not soo much that guy.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:19 PM on October 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
Some people need to be together all the time in a relationship. It is important that you and whomever you are dating be well-matched in independence. This is apparently not soo much that guy.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:19 PM on October 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
I have been the person who felt brushed off/that my guy had no time for me. He'd call me as he was getting off work on a night that we had plans and beg off, claiming that he was too tired to hang out. Repeatedly. It sucked, but even so, I read your question and I was like, "This dude needs to back the fuck off!"
Bringing you lunch at work? Then trying to come back later with a smoothie? My guess is that he is a high-strung person who is sabotaging your relationship due to his own neuroses, because he is seriously acting like a nut.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:21 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Bringing you lunch at work? Then trying to come back later with a smoothie? My guess is that he is a high-strung person who is sabotaging your relationship due to his own neuroses, because he is seriously acting like a nut.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:21 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
He really doesn't seem to get what a normal work environment looks like. Or relationship.
This crosses several lines.
Push back or push it off.
Actually say, out loud, "I need space! Leave me alone!"
posted by RainyJay at 11:09 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This crosses several lines.
Push back or push it off.
Actually say, out loud, "I need space! Leave me alone!"
posted by RainyJay at 11:09 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're not being nearly clear enough. He isn't a mind reader- he doesn't know that you are an introvert who needs alone time because you aren't saying that; instead, you are making up flimsy excuses like "I need to run errands". No wonder he thinks you don't like spending time with him- it sounds like you're giving him the brush-off and playing games, even though that's not your intention.
You need to be honest. Tell this man that you like dating him, but that you are an introvert who needs alone-time to decompress. And if you don't want to see him before 8 o'clock because you need alone time, say "I don't want to get together before 8 o'clock because I need some time to be alone. But after that, I'll be well rested and super thrilled to see you". Stop playing games.
posted by windykites at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
You need to be honest. Tell this man that you like dating him, but that you are an introvert who needs alone-time to decompress. And if you don't want to see him before 8 o'clock because you need alone time, say "I don't want to get together before 8 o'clock because I need some time to be alone. But after that, I'll be well rested and super thrilled to see you". Stop playing games.
posted by windykites at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
I personally think you're being quite clear - you're giving actual times here!
I think the thing is his work is very different from yours. Maybe explain to him that you can't just talk to him whenever you want because of the nature of what you do and that you need to decompress after work so you need x amount of time after the whole thing to get your brain back.
posted by heyjude at 12:14 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think the thing is his work is very different from yours. Maybe explain to him that you can't just talk to him whenever you want because of the nature of what you do and that you need to decompress after work so you need x amount of time after the whole thing to get your brain back.
posted by heyjude at 12:14 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't even think it's an introvert thing- your work space and home should be sacrosanct- he can't just appear after you've told him you are busy at those times. Definitely tell him "8pm means 8pm" and that he needs to find another outlet for his energy. The gym, a hobby, additional work hours etc. Or, you will end up breaking up with him, making his neediness a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, it's not you, it's him. He needs to listen to you and respect your boundaries and schedule.
posted by bquarters at 12:44 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 12:44 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You say you talked about it at night, but what did he actually say? Did he agree to respect your "no"'and your time frames in future?
If he did and then went on to bring you lunch unasked this is a serious problem that makes it worth breaking up for. It means he won't or can't give you space because his need is too great.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:04 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If he did and then went on to bring you lunch unasked this is a serious problem that makes it worth breaking up for. It means he won't or can't give you space because his need is too great.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:04 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Maybe he's just more into you than you're into him.
I am an introvert, but when I really, really like someone I will rearrange my life a bit to spend time with them. It sounds like you want this relationship to be really 'rational' and undisruptive, and that's fine, but maybe he wants something more. It sounds a bit wooly to call this 'romantic', but that's what it is - a worldview which values people's attachment to each other over the smooth running of their lives. AskMe can be a very unromantic place, and you've been getting a lot of validation of your worldview, which is different to his. Well, fine. But maybe he's hoping that at some point you're going to start wanting to spend every waking moment with him too.
I would give my right arm to banish the term 'needy' from the dictionary, by the way. He has feelings. You have feelings. People in relationships need one another. It cannot always be a contractual meeting of two independent entities.
I think you should probably break up, as you are not suited to each other.
posted by Acheman at 1:56 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am an introvert, but when I really, really like someone I will rearrange my life a bit to spend time with them. It sounds like you want this relationship to be really 'rational' and undisruptive, and that's fine, but maybe he wants something more. It sounds a bit wooly to call this 'romantic', but that's what it is - a worldview which values people's attachment to each other over the smooth running of their lives. AskMe can be a very unromantic place, and you've been getting a lot of validation of your worldview, which is different to his. Well, fine. But maybe he's hoping that at some point you're going to start wanting to spend every waking moment with him too.
I would give my right arm to banish the term 'needy' from the dictionary, by the way. He has feelings. You have feelings. People in relationships need one another. It cannot always be a contractual meeting of two independent entities.
I think you should probably break up, as you are not suited to each other.
posted by Acheman at 1:56 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
It sounds like he has an Anxious attachment type. Anxious people will try harder to get close to someone they feel is pulling away from them. If you're Avoidant, this situation will just get worse. The Avoidant will move away from the Anxious to get some space so the Anxious will ramp up their need for closeness and try harder to get that. It's like two magnets, in a way.
Neither of you are bad people. You just need different things from one another, and perhaps those are things that you can't give one another.
posted by Solomon at 3:07 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Neither of you are bad people. You just need different things from one another, and perhaps those are things that you can't give one another.
posted by Solomon at 3:07 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Ask him to read "Caring for Your Introvert."
posted by Carol Anne at 6:33 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 6:33 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is not about introversion. This is about a man who repeatedly ignores the boundaries set by his partner.
posted by winna at 7:17 AM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by winna at 7:17 AM on October 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think you two are just too different. Maybe he is a controlling jerk, or maybe he is just massively insecure. Doesn't really matter, frankly. You have some core personality differences and core needs that are mismatched. This is very unlikely to get better, and in fact is likely to become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on. As he keeps pushing your boundaries and not respecting your need for space and time apart from him you are going to increasingly resent him and want to spend even LESS time with him. And that will probably make his behaviour even worse. Lather rinse repeat. Breakup.
You're allowed to break up with someone over issues like this, and I really think you should.
My guess (not that it matters) is that he has done this in past relationships. I'd bet that he has been instrusive and needy and "Why don't you want to spend time with me? Are we okay?!" with girlfriends past, and that pushed them away, and each relationship that this happens in makes him worse and worse, more and more insecure and worried. As each person recoils from his neediness and instrusiveness, he gets more and more reasons to be worried about the status of his relationships, so he gets more and more needy. His behaviour is creating the very situation he is trying to curtail and avoid. This is not your issue to solve, it does not fall to you to fix him or to correct this self-destructive behaviour. You are absolutely allowed to cut your losses and save yourself more and more stress and irritation.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:52 AM on October 22, 2013
You're allowed to break up with someone over issues like this, and I really think you should.
My guess (not that it matters) is that he has done this in past relationships. I'd bet that he has been instrusive and needy and "Why don't you want to spend time with me? Are we okay?!" with girlfriends past, and that pushed them away, and each relationship that this happens in makes him worse and worse, more and more insecure and worried. As each person recoils from his neediness and instrusiveness, he gets more and more reasons to be worried about the status of his relationships, so he gets more and more needy. His behaviour is creating the very situation he is trying to curtail and avoid. This is not your issue to solve, it does not fall to you to fix him or to correct this self-destructive behaviour. You are absolutely allowed to cut your losses and save yourself more and more stress and irritation.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:52 AM on October 22, 2013
The actions you described all have flags on them. Unexpected visits could indicate that he's checking up on you. If you think about it, this may be the doorway to hell. There may be a less serious explanation.
It's possible that a long, sincere talk may help clear the air, because, it turns out that he's just a super-gregarious guy. But once the rules are laid out, he either accepts your version of how the relationship ought to go, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, it's up to you to decide whether you want to accommodate his needs.
It may not be accurate to color his actions with the template I described, because, after all is said and done, we all are just little snowflakes in the blizzard of life, and most of the time it's good to cut someone slack, at least until the weirdness quotient gets too high.
But boundaries ought to be observed. Your narrative seems reasonable. What you ask of him seems reasonable. He ought to know that when you say "no" it means no, not maybe. None of this analysis has anything to do with whether he's sweet, or whatever. In the end, it's the fit that counts. Friends don't always make good SO's.
Start with "Work is off limits." As I see it, you need to be able to get through your working day without dealing with his needs. In the worst-case response, he will use some form of emotional blackmail to make his case. Plant that flag firmly in the ground. This would be where you decide on whether the wear and tear of this relationship outweighs his companionship.
posted by mule98J at 9:44 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's possible that a long, sincere talk may help clear the air, because, it turns out that he's just a super-gregarious guy. But once the rules are laid out, he either accepts your version of how the relationship ought to go, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, it's up to you to decide whether you want to accommodate his needs.
It may not be accurate to color his actions with the template I described, because, after all is said and done, we all are just little snowflakes in the blizzard of life, and most of the time it's good to cut someone slack, at least until the weirdness quotient gets too high.
But boundaries ought to be observed. Your narrative seems reasonable. What you ask of him seems reasonable. He ought to know that when you say "no" it means no, not maybe. None of this analysis has anything to do with whether he's sweet, or whatever. In the end, it's the fit that counts. Friends don't always make good SO's.
Start with "Work is off limits." As I see it, you need to be able to get through your working day without dealing with his needs. In the worst-case response, he will use some form of emotional blackmail to make his case. Plant that flag firmly in the ground. This would be where you decide on whether the wear and tear of this relationship outweighs his companionship.
posted by mule98J at 9:44 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well if you want to try to stay together, can you give him a honey-do list? I kinda see that as the only mutually beneficial arrangement between your lifestyles. He can feel important picking up tampons and bread and making a coffee table for you while you get the extra free time from not having to pick up your own tampons and bread and coffee table. Otherwise, I'd make an exit. It think it's too early in the relationship for this kind of messiness.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:49 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by WeekendJen at 9:49 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
> The actions you described all have flags on them. Unexpected visits could indicate that he's checking up on you. If you think about it, this may be the doorway to hell. There may be a less serious explanation.
Eh, he sounds like me when I was 17. I wasn't a stalker or controlling, just clueless and in need of some self-esteem.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:50 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Eh, he sounds like me when I was 17. I wasn't a stalker or controlling, just clueless and in need of some self-esteem.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:50 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would give my right arm to banish the term 'needy' from the dictionary, by the way. He has feelings. You have feelings. People in relationships need one another. It cannot always be a contractual meeting of two independent entities.
True, but respect should come into it. And repeatedly forcing your presence, communications, feelings onto somebody who has explicitly asked not to see you or talk to you until a certain time, and had the request accepted, can have two reasons. It's either deliberate indicating extreme disrespect or it indicates extreme levels of incompatibility, if he does not want to be disrespectful, but doesn't understand he is. And neither are a good basis for any kind of relationship.
Personally, I'd refuse to answer the phone at work and if he turns up at my house after 15 mins, when we'd agreed two hrs I'd tell him to leave and come back in two hrs, unless it was an emergency. If he's clueless he can learn that this is important for you and can learn to communicate better with you. If he doesn't care or is manipulative and does this intentionally he'll lose interest if he can't manipulate you and you're not available at all times.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:27 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
True, but respect should come into it. And repeatedly forcing your presence, communications, feelings onto somebody who has explicitly asked not to see you or talk to you until a certain time, and had the request accepted, can have two reasons. It's either deliberate indicating extreme disrespect or it indicates extreme levels of incompatibility, if he does not want to be disrespectful, but doesn't understand he is. And neither are a good basis for any kind of relationship.
Personally, I'd refuse to answer the phone at work and if he turns up at my house after 15 mins, when we'd agreed two hrs I'd tell him to leave and come back in two hrs, unless it was an emergency. If he's clueless he can learn that this is important for you and can learn to communicate better with you. If he doesn't care or is manipulative and does this intentionally he'll lose interest if he can't manipulate you and you're not available at all times.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:27 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: He may actually feel like he's trying to be helpful and sweet. He's not. He's disregarding your explicitly stated wants and needs, and doing something else, something else which makes life difficult for you.
I am someone who is an introvert, who work long-ish hours. I was doing part time grad school when I met my partner. At the time, he had way more free time than I did. We spent so much time together that I told him flat out, "I can't spend this much time with you. It's making me cranky. Give me two hours a day to myself." He respects that and it all worked out.
If he hadn't, I would've started ignoring him. I would not let him in, if he arrived early consistently, after I explicitly told him no. It's actually completely crazy to me that someone would *ask* "Can I come over early?", be told "No.", and then do so anyway.
posted by ethidda at 11:51 AM on October 22, 2013
I am someone who is an introvert, who work long-ish hours. I was doing part time grad school when I met my partner. At the time, he had way more free time than I did. We spent so much time together that I told him flat out, "I can't spend this much time with you. It's making me cranky. Give me two hours a day to myself." He respects that and it all worked out.
If he hadn't, I would've started ignoring him. I would not let him in, if he arrived early consistently, after I explicitly told him no. It's actually completely crazy to me that someone would *ask* "Can I come over early?", be told "No.", and then do so anyway.
posted by ethidda at 11:51 AM on October 22, 2013
Best answer: Nope. Nope nope nope. He showed up at your house? After you explicitly told him not to? That is such a violation of your boundaries I'm shocked you're even asking us this question.
For the record, you're not being unreasonable. You're not being selfish. His behaviour is completely unacceptable, more than a little unsettling to me, and grounds for an immediate DTMFA-ing.
This is how relationships work: You express your needs. Your partner either does or doesn't make a good-faith effort to meet those needs. If they do make that effort, hooray. But if they don't, then your only choice is to stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met, or leave.
You've expressed your needs. It does not appear that he's made any kind of effort to meet them. In fact, he's given you the opposite. So now the ball's back in your court. You can try expressing your needs again, try setting the firmest, clearest boundaries you can, but that hasn't worked so far, and I don't see any reason to expect that will change.
But. If you want to give him another chance, then be as blunt and direct as you can be. "I need my space. This is not negotiable. Calling me at work is not okay. Showing up at my house uninvited is not okay. I like you, and I like spending time with you, but I also need time to myself, and if you can't respect that, I can't keep dating you."
Andwhen if that doesn't work, if he crosses the line you have very, very clearly drawn, break up with him immediately. If you don't follow through on your words with actions, he'll learn that he was right not to listen to your words. And that sort of thing tends to be the top of a slippery slope with a very ugly bottom.
posted by Zozo at 12:26 PM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
For the record, you're not being unreasonable. You're not being selfish. His behaviour is completely unacceptable, more than a little unsettling to me, and grounds for an immediate DTMFA-ing.
This is how relationships work: You express your needs. Your partner either does or doesn't make a good-faith effort to meet those needs. If they do make that effort, hooray. But if they don't, then your only choice is to stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met, or leave.
You've expressed your needs. It does not appear that he's made any kind of effort to meet them. In fact, he's given you the opposite. So now the ball's back in your court. You can try expressing your needs again, try setting the firmest, clearest boundaries you can, but that hasn't worked so far, and I don't see any reason to expect that will change.
But. If you want to give him another chance, then be as blunt and direct as you can be. "I need my space. This is not negotiable. Calling me at work is not okay. Showing up at my house uninvited is not okay. I like you, and I like spending time with you, but I also need time to myself, and if you can't respect that, I can't keep dating you."
And
posted by Zozo at 12:26 PM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think you should skip the more vague way of managing this, and go straight to the direct express version.
And listen to your inner voice:
>>>I can't be the only social outlet for him. It's too much for me to bear.<>
Be more direct, and if he can't respect your boundaries at that point (this is assuming you haven't already been very direct -- my impression from your question is that you have not), it's not gonna work out.
posted by ravioli at 7:09 PM on October 22, 2013
And listen to your inner voice:
>>>I can't be the only social outlet for him. It's too much for me to bear.<>
Be more direct, and if he can't respect your boundaries at that point (this is assuming you haven't already been very direct -- my impression from your question is that you have not), it's not gonna work out.
posted by ravioli at 7:09 PM on October 22, 2013
It's not your issue to solve, certainly, but you should communicate with him and continue to do so. It sounds like you're doing a good job telling him what you need but you may want to ease up on replying immediately and giving in when he steps over a boundary. Ultimately, this is his problem - if you set clear boundaries and communicate and tell him these things directly - not implicitly - and he doesn't respect them, it's ok to break up with him.
So, yes - set clear boundaries directly and keep setting them if and as your relationship progresses. If he continues to step on them, you should leave him, because it's not going to get any better.
posted by k8lin at 7:34 PM on October 22, 2013
So, yes - set clear boundaries directly and keep setting them if and as your relationship progresses. If he continues to step on them, you should leave him, because it's not going to get any better.
posted by k8lin at 7:34 PM on October 22, 2013
Also: you're doing a great job saying "lets meet at 8" and so forth. He's not respecting that. Were I dating someone who expressed those needs clearly, as you have, I would respect them. He sounds like he doesn't understand your needs and isn't willing to meet in the middle.
I would tell him that this needs to stop or your relationship won't work - because it's good to give him a warning. Not to punish him, but to let him know how important this is to you.
posted by k8lin at 7:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would tell him that this needs to stop or your relationship won't work - because it's good to give him a warning. Not to punish him, but to let him know how important this is to you.
posted by k8lin at 7:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
OMG, this is so the beginning of someone who is trying to control your every moment and minute, get out of this now. What you describe is just over the top creepy.
posted by OhSusannah at 3:24 AM on October 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by OhSusannah at 3:24 AM on October 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm an extrovert, I love romantic things like flowers at work every so often, and this would make me crazy. When I'm working, I'm working. I manage a team of programmers, do some programming myself, and my husband knows that if I don't ping back on IM during the day, or pick up or immediately return a call, it's because I'm in a meeting or working on a project. You have a professional image to maintain, and having a boyfriend show up all the time unannounced at work will not help that. My husband also knows that if he calls my desk phone, then immediately calls my cell, and then my other cell, it better be serious. Again .... working! And there's nothing wrong with keeping work time work time and personal time personal time.
You're doing great with boundary and expectation setting. I would seriously be contemplating a breakup, simply because this is a lot of emotional reliance really early in a relationship. It's great that he's head over heels for you, if one takes the charitable version. But even in a best case scenario, I would wonder what it's going to be like when you're more involved, when you're living together or married. It gives me the heebie jeebies, and like I said, I'm an extrovert and love my husband dearly, and spends tons of time with him. It's just ... that level of attention seeking is rarely healthy, in my experience. I've had (now ex-) friends who behaved in a similar way, and I eventually had to drop them because they were emotional vampires, trying to fill the emotional hole in their lives with whatever they could get from me.
posted by RogueTech at 9:11 PM on October 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're doing great with boundary and expectation setting. I would seriously be contemplating a breakup, simply because this is a lot of emotional reliance really early in a relationship. It's great that he's head over heels for you, if one takes the charitable version. But even in a best case scenario, I would wonder what it's going to be like when you're more involved, when you're living together or married. It gives me the heebie jeebies, and like I said, I'm an extrovert and love my husband dearly, and spends tons of time with him. It's just ... that level of attention seeking is rarely healthy, in my experience. I've had (now ex-) friends who behaved in a similar way, and I eventually had to drop them because they were emotional vampires, trying to fill the emotional hole in their lives with whatever they could get from me.
posted by RogueTech at 9:11 PM on October 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: For the record, I did DTMFA, 5 months after I posted this question, for reasons tangentially related to this issue.
But oh man, you guys were right about red flags and boundaries. When I broke up with him that night, he tried to physically restrain me from leaving, then he blocked my car so I wouldn't leave, then when I was able to leave, he came over to my house and knocked & called for a half hour, then came to my bedroom window and tried to talk to me, even though I told him to leave. I went to the bathroom to sleep, but I was about to call the police. Then came by the next morning while I was leaving for work to talk, he came to my office during the day and I told him to leave, he went to my best friend's job during the day to try to talk to her, then tried to find me after work in the evening; I'm almost positive he followed my car from work. I went to his house later that evening to pick up the rest of my things, and he tried to stand in front of my car to stop me from leaving.
I was reminded of this question because last week would've been our 1-year anniversary and he sent me a text and we met up at the place we had our first date (dumb decision, I know). He told me he knew that I was dating someone else and basically slut-shamed me and accused me of cheating when I was with him. When I tried to leave, he pulled my arm, physically restraining me and preventing me from getting into the elevator. He followed me to my car, stopped my car in the middle of traffic, went to my house, saw I wasn't there, tracked me down to my new bf's place (the building is closed access, thank God) and called and texted relentlessly.
Holy shit, I had no idea how much crazy I had signed up for 10 months ago when I asked this question. After everything went down last week, I still felt guilty about leaving him and 'betraying' him, but reading everyone's answers really reminds me that I definitely made the right decision. Love makes you do stupid shit, y'all.
posted by chara at 6:43 AM on August 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
But oh man, you guys were right about red flags and boundaries. When I broke up with him that night, he tried to physically restrain me from leaving, then he blocked my car so I wouldn't leave, then when I was able to leave, he came over to my house and knocked & called for a half hour, then came to my bedroom window and tried to talk to me, even though I told him to leave. I went to the bathroom to sleep, but I was about to call the police. Then came by the next morning while I was leaving for work to talk, he came to my office during the day and I told him to leave, he went to my best friend's job during the day to try to talk to her, then tried to find me after work in the evening; I'm almost positive he followed my car from work. I went to his house later that evening to pick up the rest of my things, and he tried to stand in front of my car to stop me from leaving.
I was reminded of this question because last week would've been our 1-year anniversary and he sent me a text and we met up at the place we had our first date (dumb decision, I know). He told me he knew that I was dating someone else and basically slut-shamed me and accused me of cheating when I was with him. When I tried to leave, he pulled my arm, physically restraining me and preventing me from getting into the elevator. He followed me to my car, stopped my car in the middle of traffic, went to my house, saw I wasn't there, tracked me down to my new bf's place (the building is closed access, thank God) and called and texted relentlessly.
Holy shit, I had no idea how much crazy I had signed up for 10 months ago when I asked this question. After everything went down last week, I still felt guilty about leaving him and 'betraying' him, but reading everyone's answers really reminds me that I definitely made the right decision. Love makes you do stupid shit, y'all.
posted by chara at 6:43 AM on August 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry, this sounds horrible. I've never dealt with anyone like this but it sounds like you did a great job standing up for yourself.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:10 AM on August 30, 2014
posted by Room 641-A at 11:10 AM on August 30, 2014
Christ! This is awful. Do what you can to stay safe, okay? You don't deserve any of this shit.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2014
posted by Omnomnom at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
When you said he could not come over, and he did anyway, that is not okay.
I think he should be free and open to contact you and express his needs, whatever they may be. But I don't think you should be responsible for replying to him immediately, especially if he contacts you at work or when you are busy. You can make this clear by setting a timeframe when he can usually expect you to reply (later that night, within the same day, etc.) but also saying that it should not be perceived as an absolute requirement on you (might be earlier sometimes, might be later). That's what I'd do.
posted by htid at 4:41 PM on October 21, 2013 [8 favorites]