He loves blowjobs, I'm disgusted by them ... How do we resolve this?
October 11, 2013 6:28 PM Subscribe
My SO wants blowjobs, to the extent that this issue may be a deal-breaker for him. I'm repulsed by the very thought of giving or receiving oral. Am I a total weirdo? Is there a strategy I can use to suppress my visceral reactions? Are we doomed?
My SO is a kind, gentle, caring person, but we differ in our sexual tastes. He is very into oral, whereas I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I desperately want to please him -- e.g. I willingly give him handjobs, even though it squicks me out a bit. But I have a very negative visceral reaction to the thought of oral. He thinks this is highly unusual and hopes that I'll change; I'm not sure I can. My questions are:
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Am I really way outside the norm?
How can I fix myself? Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? Like, I dunno, warm jello or something?
Any help is much appreciated. He has indicated that this may be a deal-breaker, but I love him and don't want to lose him!
My SO is a kind, gentle, caring person, but we differ in our sexual tastes. He is very into oral, whereas I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I desperately want to please him -- e.g. I willingly give him handjobs, even though it squicks me out a bit. But I have a very negative visceral reaction to the thought of oral. He thinks this is highly unusual and hopes that I'll change; I'm not sure I can. My questions are:
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Am I really way outside the norm?
How can I fix myself? Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? Like, I dunno, warm jello or something?
Any help is much appreciated. He has indicated that this may be a deal-breaker, but I love him and don't want to lose him!
You're not a freak. It's not super common, maybe, but if it weirds you out this much... you're not just being withholding for the fun of it. My boyfriend is pretty grossed out by the idea of anal sex. I don't make him have it, regardless of my personal preferences. There are lots of other things to do. He's not a "weirdo," even thought the stereotype is that any guy will sell his birthright for anal. (Just as an example.)
Fleshlight? With a lips opening? Not sure. It's his right to say it's a dealbreaker, but I personally would be kind of "have a nice life" over this. Then again, I used to date a guy (for about 1-2 years) with specific sexual preferences that I didn't share, and no amount of negotiation/gentle reminders/tears/anger would get him to really take my needs seriously, because we spent so much energy meeting his.
How long have you been dating? I would feel uncomfortable both with 1) knowing my boyfriend wanted me to do something I really really couldn't stand on a regular basis (not only would it be repellant, but I would probably start to feel a weird sense of sex "belonging" to him, from past experience), and 2) feeling "inadequate" over this, when maybe it wouldn't even be an issue in another relationship. If you can see yourself becoming desensitized to it/eventually liking it more, maybe that's the best case scenario?
posted by stoneandstar at 6:43 PM on October 11, 2013
Fleshlight? With a lips opening? Not sure. It's his right to say it's a dealbreaker, but I personally would be kind of "have a nice life" over this. Then again, I used to date a guy (for about 1-2 years) with specific sexual preferences that I didn't share, and no amount of negotiation/gentle reminders/tears/anger would get him to really take my needs seriously, because we spent so much energy meeting his.
How long have you been dating? I would feel uncomfortable both with 1) knowing my boyfriend wanted me to do something I really really couldn't stand on a regular basis (not only would it be repellant, but I would probably start to feel a weird sense of sex "belonging" to him, from past experience), and 2) feeling "inadequate" over this, when maybe it wouldn't even be an issue in another relationship. If you can see yourself becoming desensitized to it/eventually liking it more, maybe that's the best case scenario?
posted by stoneandstar at 6:43 PM on October 11, 2013
I think oral sex is pretty standard these days, but it's OK to be different.
If you want to work up to it, do more body kissing and at some point try kissing his penis, you don't have to start with a "proper" blowjob.
If you don't like handjobs or receiving oral either, you are apparently somewhat uneasy about sex generally. You might want to take a step back and introspect about this in a general way.
Making blowjobs into a deal breaker is unreasonable, BTW. Oral sex is nice, and it would be good for you if you could learn to like it, but don't get pushed into something that really puts you off. Sex is supposed to be fun for both of you.
posted by mattu at 6:44 PM on October 11, 2013 [21 favorites]
If you want to work up to it, do more body kissing and at some point try kissing his penis, you don't have to start with a "proper" blowjob.
If you don't like handjobs or receiving oral either, you are apparently somewhat uneasy about sex generally. You might want to take a step back and introspect about this in a general way.
Making blowjobs into a deal breaker is unreasonable, BTW. Oral sex is nice, and it would be good for you if you could learn to like it, but don't get pushed into something that really puts you off. Sex is supposed to be fun for both of you.
posted by mattu at 6:44 PM on October 11, 2013 [21 favorites]
Your sexual preferences are your own. It doesn't matter what other people consider normal because you have to respect your own body and your own desires. In this case, it seems that your desires are in the way of a relationship, and that is a situation where you have to decide if you want to change the relationship or change yourself.
If you want to change yourself, therapy/introspection could help you identify just why you think oral sex is so gross. With a certain amount of work, you can learn to change those feelings, but you might also find that you are more ok leaving the relationship. A strong visceral reaction like that could be a sign of a whole lot of things that are worth looking into, especially if you are interested in being more sexually adventurous.
But, if you are not interested in being more adventurous, that is totally fine and within the realm of normal human existence. It just might not be workable for your relationship unless you can get him to compromise.
posted by ohisee at 6:46 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you want to change yourself, therapy/introspection could help you identify just why you think oral sex is so gross. With a certain amount of work, you can learn to change those feelings, but you might also find that you are more ok leaving the relationship. A strong visceral reaction like that could be a sign of a whole lot of things that are worth looking into, especially if you are interested in being more sexually adventurous.
But, if you are not interested in being more adventurous, that is totally fine and within the realm of normal human existence. It just might not be workable for your relationship unless you can get him to compromise.
posted by ohisee at 6:46 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread addresses pretty similar concerns.
When you say he indicates it may be a dealbreaker, do you mean he pressures you to do something, or more that he is feeling that your sexual connection isn't great? Definitely don't let him hold anything over your head...
posted by mdn at 6:47 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
When you say he indicates it may be a dealbreaker, do you mean he pressures you to do something, or more that he is feeling that your sexual connection isn't great? Definitely don't let him hold anything over your head...
posted by mdn at 6:47 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's ok for not getting head to be a dealbreaker for him, and it's ok for not wanting to give it to be a dealbreaker for you. Depends how invested you both are in the relationship. This is a more edge case of sexual incompatibility, but it's still sexual incompatibility, which is a totally common reason to break up. Neither of you should push the other into a position of dissatisfaction or discomfort if you want a healthy relationship.
posted by supercres at 6:49 PM on October 11, 2013 [36 favorites]
posted by supercres at 6:49 PM on October 11, 2013 [36 favorites]
I don't think you're a freak -- unusual maybe, but not a freak. Certainly no more of a freak than someone who would consider giving up a happy, loving relationship over never getting a blowjob again, you know? And that doesn't make him a freak, either.
Sexual preferences just are. Yours and his are unfortunately mismatched. That this is happening over blow jobs and not frequency or anal or willingness to do it with the lights on is just an accident of compatibility, and it could have been one of those other things just as easily.
He shouldn't be pressuring you into doing things you're actually grossed out about, because that's not kind, loving behavior on the part of a partner. But that doesn't mean the two of you should remain together if this situation is going to mean one of you ends up unhappy and self-sacrificing until the end of time.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:51 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Sexual preferences just are. Yours and his are unfortunately mismatched. That this is happening over blow jobs and not frequency or anal or willingness to do it with the lights on is just an accident of compatibility, and it could have been one of those other things just as easily.
He shouldn't be pressuring you into doing things you're actually grossed out about, because that's not kind, loving behavior on the part of a partner. But that doesn't mean the two of you should remain together if this situation is going to mean one of you ends up unhappy and self-sacrificing until the end of time.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:51 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
There's this. At least if there's some way for you to be in the driver's seat, as it were.
posted by XMLicious at 6:51 PM on October 11, 2013
posted by XMLicious at 6:51 PM on October 11, 2013
As others have said, you shouldn't feel compelled to do anything you don't want to do.
But regarding this:
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
...yes, absolutely it is possible. I would guess--I could be wrong about this and hope I don't get jumped on for it--that the majority of women don't grow up just longing to suck on a penis. But it's something that you can acclimate yourself to (and of course many women love it). Being very VERY into the moment helps! mattu is right that you can start with kissing, and see if your tolerance level changes from there.
You don't say whether you are having PIV sex, or if these other activities are in lieu of intercourse. If the latter, then I would say you have an even better chance of eventually acquiring the taste for oral. Inhibitions tend to come down the longer and more fully you are sexually active.
But yeah, as others have said, some people just aren't into it, and that's fine too.
posted by torticat at 6:58 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
But regarding this:
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
...yes, absolutely it is possible. I would guess--I could be wrong about this and hope I don't get jumped on for it--that the majority of women don't grow up just longing to suck on a penis. But it's something that you can acclimate yourself to (and of course many women love it). Being very VERY into the moment helps! mattu is right that you can start with kissing, and see if your tolerance level changes from there.
You don't say whether you are having PIV sex, or if these other activities are in lieu of intercourse. If the latter, then I would say you have an even better chance of eventually acquiring the taste for oral. Inhibitions tend to come down the longer and more fully you are sexually active.
But yeah, as others have said, some people just aren't into it, and that's fine too.
posted by torticat at 6:58 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
p.s. I should say, forgive me for presuming you are a woman if that's not the case. It comes from the no-doubt false generalization that all men love blowjobs.
posted by torticat at 7:01 PM on October 11, 2013
posted by torticat at 7:01 PM on October 11, 2013
Neither one of you is weird (well, not because of this) nor wrong, but you do need to come to an understanding about how much this affects your relationship.
You could learn to like giving oral. He could learn to do without. You could find some alternate solution.
However, I'm of the opinion that you can't hope that some change in your S.O. will improve your relationship to where it's okay. If you're not happy with your S.O. the way they are today, then you have no guarantee that you'll be happy with your S. O. in the future.
posted by xingcat at 7:01 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
You could learn to like giving oral. He could learn to do without. You could find some alternate solution.
However, I'm of the opinion that you can't hope that some change in your S.O. will improve your relationship to where it's okay. If you're not happy with your S.O. the way they are today, then you have no guarantee that you'll be happy with your S. O. in the future.
posted by xingcat at 7:01 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
I could be wrong about this and hope I don't get jumped on for it--that the majority of women don't grow up just longing to suck on a penis
Not jumping on you, but lots of women do actually enjoy it and aren't just doing it out of learned tolerance or anything.
Which is part of why, to me, it seems even more valid to say that you might just not be into it. Like, it's not like all women go through a blow-job conditioning process, and the OP just hasn't graduated yet. Por ejemplo, Miracle Whip... I hate Miracle Whip. Maybe my life would rule if I learned to like Miracle Whip, but I have no plans to learn to like it in the near future, and if it was someone's dealbreaker because they wanted to be able to prepare Miracle Whip-based noodle salads for dinner, I might think about it, but also might think that was a lot of undue pressure.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:04 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
Not jumping on you, but lots of women do actually enjoy it and aren't just doing it out of learned tolerance or anything.
Which is part of why, to me, it seems even more valid to say that you might just not be into it. Like, it's not like all women go through a blow-job conditioning process, and the OP just hasn't graduated yet. Por ejemplo, Miracle Whip... I hate Miracle Whip. Maybe my life would rule if I learned to like Miracle Whip, but I have no plans to learn to like it in the near future, and if it was someone's dealbreaker because they wanted to be able to prepare Miracle Whip-based noodle salads for dinner, I might think about it, but also might think that was a lot of undue pressure.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:04 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
This is totally a thing that might not apply to you and I don't mean to imply that it's universal, but it's just A Thing To Think About: In my late teens and through most of my twenties, I thought that I had sort of a low sex drive and just wasn't into doing certain things. If you find certain parts of male bodies generally squicky when you're in intimate contact with them--and in a way, hands/mouth is more direct contact because you're actually probably *looking* and stuff--then, um, sometimes the problem is that no matter how much you love the person, male bodies (or at least his particular type of male body) are not actually what you're into and you need to free that person up to go find someone who is, and go find the sort of bodies you actually like touching.
There are also some people who are totally into men in every other possible way and just have this one quirk and that's also okay. I only post this because it took a very long time for it to occur to me that there were in fact other people out there who I was going to be a whole lot more into, and that wanting to make someone happy is not an adequate substitute for wanting to have sex with them.
posted by Sequence at 7:09 PM on October 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
There are also some people who are totally into men in every other possible way and just have this one quirk and that's also okay. I only post this because it took a very long time for it to occur to me that there were in fact other people out there who I was going to be a whole lot more into, and that wanting to make someone happy is not an adequate substitute for wanting to have sex with them.
posted by Sequence at 7:09 PM on October 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
Hey anon, memail me.
posted by windykites at 7:12 PM on October 11, 2013
posted by windykites at 7:12 PM on October 11, 2013
How old are you? Are you guys having the old PIV, too? Does he want to reciprocate? How have you dealt with this in prior relationships, or this your first sexual relationship? I am assuming you haven't done this before, because you said " I don't think I can bring myself to do it."
My feeling is, most importantly, you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do sexually. And your SO is allowed to feel like this is a dealbreaker for him -- anything can be a dealbreaker for anyone, even if it's something that you think makes them jerky. That being said, I would never call you a weirdo, but oral is a pretty standard menu item and I tend to think that if you're in a good relationship with a loving, sensitive, trustworthy partner, you might as well try anything (anything safe) once (that goes both ways, by the way, so if you want him to....I don't know, dress up like Batman, he needs to be willing to try that too). I want to stress that you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't want to do -- get the sense that you are pretty young? -- but just that in a healthy, mature relationship, sometimes you take sex stuff for a test drive, and sometimes you end up liking it and sometimes you end up being like, "no more Batman, that was weird," and both are okay.
My other question is, is this dude being cool about your need to -- at best -- warm up to this? Because if his way of indicating that it might be a dealbreaker is to be all, "DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON'T EVEN BLOW ME" and acting like a douche about it, THAT should be a dealbreaker for you. There are a lot of great guys out there who will be supportive while you feel this out (no pun intended) and who won't pull any, "if you loved me, you'd do this" BS. If he IS being cool about it, you could always consider trying it out, with the caveat that if you hate it, you're going to stop. As an anecdote, when I was a teen, I totally thought the idea of oral was GROOSSSSSSS -- I think it was just too intimate for me and I wasn't ready for that -- and now as a thirtysomething lady, I don't feel that way at all.
If you HAVE tried it and you just don't like it, of course, then it's just a sexual compatibility. You're allowed to not like stuff, and I'm sure you're not the only one.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:26 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
My feeling is, most importantly, you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do sexually. And your SO is allowed to feel like this is a dealbreaker for him -- anything can be a dealbreaker for anyone, even if it's something that you think makes them jerky. That being said, I would never call you a weirdo, but oral is a pretty standard menu item and I tend to think that if you're in a good relationship with a loving, sensitive, trustworthy partner, you might as well try anything (anything safe) once (that goes both ways, by the way, so if you want him to....I don't know, dress up like Batman, he needs to be willing to try that too). I want to stress that you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't want to do -- get the sense that you are pretty young? -- but just that in a healthy, mature relationship, sometimes you take sex stuff for a test drive, and sometimes you end up liking it and sometimes you end up being like, "no more Batman, that was weird," and both are okay.
My other question is, is this dude being cool about your need to -- at best -- warm up to this? Because if his way of indicating that it might be a dealbreaker is to be all, "DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON'T EVEN BLOW ME" and acting like a douche about it, THAT should be a dealbreaker for you. There are a lot of great guys out there who will be supportive while you feel this out (no pun intended) and who won't pull any, "if you loved me, you'd do this" BS. If he IS being cool about it, you could always consider trying it out, with the caveat that if you hate it, you're going to stop. As an anecdote, when I was a teen, I totally thought the idea of oral was GROOSSSSSSS -- I think it was just too intimate for me and I wasn't ready for that -- and now as a thirtysomething lady, I don't feel that way at all.
If you HAVE tried it and you just don't like it, of course, then it's just a sexual compatibility. You're allowed to not like stuff, and I'm sure you're not the only one.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:26 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
When I first started having sex, I wasn't really into giving blowjobs (though it sounds like I didn't hate them to the extent you do). At some point, though, everything completely changed, and eventually I loved oral sex so much that when I started dating a guy who *didn't* like blowjobs, I was disappointed. So, take that as one example that your preferences can change. That said, I don't think you should try to change for him. Personally, it seems strange to me that a relationship would hinge on this, and that everything else wouldn't outweigh it. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who saw this as a dealbreaker.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:29 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:29 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can use condoms and other barrier protection for giving and receiving oral, if you feel like you would have a different reaction that way it's worth a try.
Some people far prefer oral over anything else. It's good he knows it's a dealbreaker for him, and I don't think it makes him a bad person to not have everything else outweigh it in starting a relationship. If you don't want to participate in oral sex at all despite trying, you can certainly make that a dealbreaker for yourself that will outweigh other things. It's probably much more common to have dealbreakers related to wanting to do or avoid certain sexual acts than most people admit to, and you are much better off with him being upfront about this.
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Am I really way outside the norm?
You're only a little outside the norm, and this is a completely legitimate sexual preference (which may or may not change over time, with different people, or different techniques).
posted by yohko at 8:06 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people far prefer oral over anything else. It's good he knows it's a dealbreaker for him, and I don't think it makes him a bad person to not have everything else outweigh it in starting a relationship. If you don't want to participate in oral sex at all despite trying, you can certainly make that a dealbreaker for yourself that will outweigh other things. It's probably much more common to have dealbreakers related to wanting to do or avoid certain sexual acts than most people admit to, and you are much better off with him being upfront about this.
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Am I really way outside the norm?
You're only a little outside the norm, and this is a completely legitimate sexual preference (which may or may not change over time, with different people, or different techniques).
posted by yohko at 8:06 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
What is it about it specifically that freaks you out about it? Is it purely a dislike of the physical sensations of it, or are you having some thought process where it feels like you're wrong or bad when you do it?
If you simply don't like the way it feels, then it sounds like it's just your sexual preference and not something that you need to change. That's okay. If there's some psychological component to it, you might want to explore what it is that is making you uncomfortable, and notice what your thought processes are when you are in the situation.
posted by mermily at 8:30 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you simply don't like the way it feels, then it sounds like it's just your sexual preference and not something that you need to change. That's okay. If there's some psychological component to it, you might want to explore what it is that is making you uncomfortable, and notice what your thought processes are when you are in the situation.
posted by mermily at 8:30 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
You might consider trying it in the shower. Having him be freshly washed will take away any olfactory aspect and most of the taste, and makes the aftermath a non-issue as well. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:49 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:49 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
Try giving him a blowjob in the shower after either you or he have thoroughly washed all his junk. Some of the aversion to sucking cock might be sweaty ball smell.
Also, if you have any sort of post-nasal drip or other congestion issues from allergies, acid reflux, or a sinus infection, get that fixed ASAP. Otherwise the suction can dislodge mucus into the back of your throat right onto your gag reflex spot.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:52 PM on October 11, 2013
Try giving him a blowjob in the shower after either you or he have thoroughly washed all his junk. Some of the aversion to sucking cock might be sweaty ball smell.
Also, if you have any sort of post-nasal drip or other congestion issues from allergies, acid reflux, or a sinus infection, get that fixed ASAP. Otherwise the suction can dislodge mucus into the back of your throat right onto your gag reflex spot.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:52 PM on October 11, 2013
It is safe to say that at this stage of my sexual life, I am a pretty big fan of oral. This is about 160 degrees away from where I was when I became sexually active. I mean, it wasn't exactly unpleasant, but there is no way I could have an orgasm that way, not even close, and, worse, I would have a tendency to start hyperventilating, which killed my erection dead.
So, I just really didn't like it. When women wanted to go down on me, the thought in my head was, "well, all right, I'm supposed to like this, let's try again." I once made the mistake of saying that I didn't like blowjobs in friendly company. You would have thought I'd just admitted to murder or revealed antennae or something.
Then, my tastes changed, in large part because I dated a few women who loved giving head and took it as a challenge to get me off that way. (This was obviously not the worst period of my life.) Eventually, I learned how to, and I started enjoying it more, and now no blowjobs would probably be a deal-breaker for me.
But there is a very plausible alternate-universe me who never came around to liking it, and that's totally ok. That version of me, which I used to be, would have loved the fact that my partner wasn't trying to blow me and that I didn't have to force interest in a thing I didn't much care for. That version of me, I can say with confidence, would have been exactly as comfortable with his sexuality now as I am with mine. I wouldn't have been any more or less repressed or uncomfortable. My tastes would have just gone a different way, that's all.
Which is all a way of saying, there are plenty of alternate-universe mes around where this is concerned, and it's not remotely weird. But it's also a way of saying, yes, I believe it's possible to like, even love, something you weren't really into before, as long as you are interested in trying. If you're not, that would be absolutely fine, and you wouldn't be weird or a freak, and there would be many, many dudes who loved that about you. If you're interested in trying, then try it, in as many variations as you're comfortable with and as he is, and acknowledge that this is a period of sexual exploration for you that may not end up where your partner wants it to.
Having never given a blowjob, I'm unqualified to tell you how it might work out for you or what to try, if you do want to try. I just wanted to give you the way-too-long masculine side of why there's nothing wrong with you at all.
posted by Errant at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
So, I just really didn't like it. When women wanted to go down on me, the thought in my head was, "well, all right, I'm supposed to like this, let's try again." I once made the mistake of saying that I didn't like blowjobs in friendly company. You would have thought I'd just admitted to murder or revealed antennae or something.
Then, my tastes changed, in large part because I dated a few women who loved giving head and took it as a challenge to get me off that way. (This was obviously not the worst period of my life.) Eventually, I learned how to, and I started enjoying it more, and now no blowjobs would probably be a deal-breaker for me.
But there is a very plausible alternate-universe me who never came around to liking it, and that's totally ok. That version of me, which I used to be, would have loved the fact that my partner wasn't trying to blow me and that I didn't have to force interest in a thing I didn't much care for. That version of me, I can say with confidence, would have been exactly as comfortable with his sexuality now as I am with mine. I wouldn't have been any more or less repressed or uncomfortable. My tastes would have just gone a different way, that's all.
Which is all a way of saying, there are plenty of alternate-universe mes around where this is concerned, and it's not remotely weird. But it's also a way of saying, yes, I believe it's possible to like, even love, something you weren't really into before, as long as you are interested in trying. If you're not, that would be absolutely fine, and you wouldn't be weird or a freak, and there would be many, many dudes who loved that about you. If you're interested in trying, then try it, in as many variations as you're comfortable with and as he is, and acknowledge that this is a period of sexual exploration for you that may not end up where your partner wants it to.
Having never given a blowjob, I'm unqualified to tell you how it might work out for you or what to try, if you do want to try. I just wanted to give you the way-too-long masculine side of why there's nothing wrong with you at all.
posted by Errant at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? Like, I dunno, warm jello or something?
No.
posted by deadweightloss at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
No.
posted by deadweightloss at 9:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
No, you're not a freak. Your feelings on the matter are a little outside the norm of my own experience, but people have different likes/dislikes around sex and this just happens to be one of yours. You are under no obligation to perform or receive oral sex if you don't like it, and you're under no obligation to try to train yourself to like it (and I'm not sure that's even possible).
Your boyfriend's not a freak either, for what that's worth. Lots of people consider oral sex a necessary part of a fulfilling sexual relationship. It's OK for him to have that need, though it's not OK for him to pressure you about it.
What you're looking at here appears to be a simple sexual incompatibility. This may not be something that has a satisfactory solution for you and your boyfriend. If that's so, and the two of you can't find a way to get to a place where your shared sex life is fulfilling and comfortable for both of you, then it may indeed be time to break up. Most people consider sexual compatibility very important in a partner, as important as anything else, so it's normal (if unfortunate) that this lack of compatibility should be putting a lot of strain on your relationship.
In my experience it's not worth persisting in a relationship that is under a lot of ongoing, unresolved strain. It's much kinder for both people to move on and eventually find relationships with people with whom they are more compatible.
posted by Scientist at 9:22 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your boyfriend's not a freak either, for what that's worth. Lots of people consider oral sex a necessary part of a fulfilling sexual relationship. It's OK for him to have that need, though it's not OK for him to pressure you about it.
What you're looking at here appears to be a simple sexual incompatibility. This may not be something that has a satisfactory solution for you and your boyfriend. If that's so, and the two of you can't find a way to get to a place where your shared sex life is fulfilling and comfortable for both of you, then it may indeed be time to break up. Most people consider sexual compatibility very important in a partner, as important as anything else, so it's normal (if unfortunate) that this lack of compatibility should be putting a lot of strain on your relationship.
In my experience it's not worth persisting in a relationship that is under a lot of ongoing, unresolved strain. It's much kinder for both people to move on and eventually find relationships with people with whom they are more compatible.
posted by Scientist at 9:22 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Am I really way outside the norm?
I think other people are underselling how outside the norm it is to refuse oral in an understandable effort to make you feel better. Which is fine but maybe a disservice. You are, obviously, perfectly fine to not do anything you don't want to do but at least in the demographics I am familiar with it would be considered extremely unusual. That's not to say you should change if you don't want to change. It's just, since you asked, quite unusual.
posted by Justinian at 9:28 PM on October 11, 2013 [19 favorites]
I think other people are underselling how outside the norm it is to refuse oral in an understandable effort to make you feel better. Which is fine but maybe a disservice. You are, obviously, perfectly fine to not do anything you don't want to do but at least in the demographics I am familiar with it would be considered extremely unusual. That's not to say you should change if you don't want to change. It's just, since you asked, quite unusual.
posted by Justinian at 9:28 PM on October 11, 2013 [19 favorites]
(I should note that OP said that even handjobs squick him/her out which I assume everyone would agree is pretty extreme.)
posted by Justinian at 9:52 PM on October 11, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 9:52 PM on October 11, 2013 [10 favorites]
Not trying to start a back-and-forth, so I won't weigh in further on this, but no, I know plenty of people who like giving blowjobs but hate giving handjobs, and plenty of people who feel the same on the receiving end. In my sexual experience, handjobs are far more uncommon than head and more distasteful/boring. Everyone's mileage varies, obviously. I just would hate for the OP to think that she was some wild outlier on any of these spectra when she's not.
posted by Errant at 10:03 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Errant at 10:03 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've met plenty of men and women who aren't into oral -- giving and/or receiving. I don't think you are weird.
posted by nacho fries at 10:04 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by nacho fries at 10:04 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
See table 1: Females aged 15 to 24, gave oral sex, 59.6 percent (compared to 72.4 percent having "any sexual contact"). Females aged 20 to 24, gave oral sex, 78.6 percent (compared to 90.2 percent having "any sexual contact"). So, having sex without giving oral sex is, you know, a measurable group of people, albeit a minority of the people having sex.
Aside: Young people get a lot of action, goodness.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Aside: Young people get a lot of action, goodness.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:07 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
To counterbalance a bit, before the internet the standard menu was a lot more vanilla than it is today. For every girl who thinks she loved oral from the beginning there's another who either disliked it or only jumped on the bandwagon because she was told it was a standard menu item and there are people who just don't enjoy it. Don't be intimidated into doing something you don't like to do.
However, I believe not only you don't change people's sexual tastes once they've discovered something they enjoy but also that many people who start out not liking something seem to become more adventurous sexually with experience and maturity. So I think he won't change but you might. And the likelihood of your changing depends on having good experience with your partner--and I mean experience that's good for you!
If you are rather young or inexperienced (and I assume that might be true), or if you are a person who needs a loving, committed relationship in order to completely enjoy sex, it is perfectly normal that you don't see this his way. It might be different for you later or with another partner. Nobody sets the gold standard about your sex experience except you.
posted by Anitanola at 10:09 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
However, I believe not only you don't change people's sexual tastes once they've discovered something they enjoy but also that many people who start out not liking something seem to become more adventurous sexually with experience and maturity. So I think he won't change but you might. And the likelihood of your changing depends on having good experience with your partner--and I mean experience that's good for you!
If you are rather young or inexperienced (and I assume that might be true), or if you are a person who needs a loving, committed relationship in order to completely enjoy sex, it is perfectly normal that you don't see this his way. It might be different for you later or with another partner. Nobody sets the gold standard about your sex experience except you.
posted by Anitanola at 10:09 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Sexual incompatibility is not the same as having different dietary or TV or even neatness preferences. You are relying on each other for sexual fulfillment. He will feel unfulfilled without oral sex. You will feel disgusted by oral sex. That doesn't sound reconcilable to me.
posted by Dansaman at 10:11 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 10:11 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
It really does depend on why you don't want to do it.
If it's because you find it physically uncomfortable, then fair enough.
If it's because your guy has terrible hygiene tell them to fix it (asking for a shower is perfectly fine.)
If it's because you don't want semen in your mouth because it tastes icky, you can ask for that.
If it's because you think the act of touching a guy's penis is somehow dirty and disgusting, think about why you think it's dirty and disgusting.
We have a lot of ingrained beliefs taught to us by our (often traditional) parents and school friends. Then there is a strong psychological component to thinking it's dirty/degrading/disgusting.
Physically, if someone has showered properly, a penis is not dirty. You presumably want your partner to enjoy themselves.
How can you change? Figure out what you're averse to - and why! If it is psychological, you can consider talking to a psychologist about it, if you want to.
If you're young and inexperienced, I would strongly suggest aiming to at least try to attack the psychological component of this. As you might be able to see from the statistics above, it's about 10-15% of relationships that don't have this as a component in the late 20's age group - you will most likely encounter this situation again.
posted by Ashlyth at 11:43 PM on October 11, 2013
If it's because you find it physically uncomfortable, then fair enough.
If it's because your guy has terrible hygiene tell them to fix it (asking for a shower is perfectly fine.)
If it's because you don't want semen in your mouth because it tastes icky, you can ask for that.
If it's because you think the act of touching a guy's penis is somehow dirty and disgusting, think about why you think it's dirty and disgusting.
We have a lot of ingrained beliefs taught to us by our (often traditional) parents and school friends. Then there is a strong psychological component to thinking it's dirty/degrading/disgusting.
Physically, if someone has showered properly, a penis is not dirty. You presumably want your partner to enjoy themselves.
How can you change? Figure out what you're averse to - and why! If it is psychological, you can consider talking to a psychologist about it, if you want to.
If you're young and inexperienced, I would strongly suggest aiming to at least try to attack the psychological component of this. As you might be able to see from the statistics above, it's about 10-15% of relationships that don't have this as a component in the late 20's age group - you will most likely encounter this situation again.
posted by Ashlyth at 11:43 PM on October 11, 2013
ClaudiaCenter, I came back here to link to that same study, and I had the same reaction you did about the young people getting busy! I actually find it hard to believe that the number of early 20s women who are not sexually active is under 10%, wow.
Another thought on oral sex to try to reconcile some of the divergent views in this thread: I think that some people see oral as foreplay or "sex lite," including young people who may use it to avoid pregnancy or STDs, and so have it as part of their early sexual repertoire. Other people, though, feel that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse, requires a greater deal of mutual trust, etc. For people in the second group, it may take time to work up to a point where giving (or receiving) a blowjob is enjoyable. Sometimes just relaxing is something a person has to learn how to do.
If a person is squicked out by a sexual practice but would like to be able to experience and enjoy it, the only way to get there is to try it out. I don't think a couple should jump to "sexual incompatibility!!" based on early squickiness, especially if, as Anitanola says, one or both of them are inexperienced.
All sexual behavior is learned one way or another, and exploration is how that happens. Which doesn't mean a person should be pressured to do something she or he doesn't want to--BUT that if she (or he) genuinely wants to enjoy something like oral sex, it is something that can (most?) often be learned.
posted by torticat at 1:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another thought on oral sex to try to reconcile some of the divergent views in this thread: I think that some people see oral as foreplay or "sex lite," including young people who may use it to avoid pregnancy or STDs, and so have it as part of their early sexual repertoire. Other people, though, feel that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse, requires a greater deal of mutual trust, etc. For people in the second group, it may take time to work up to a point where giving (or receiving) a blowjob is enjoyable. Sometimes just relaxing is something a person has to learn how to do.
If a person is squicked out by a sexual practice but would like to be able to experience and enjoy it, the only way to get there is to try it out. I don't think a couple should jump to "sexual incompatibility!!" based on early squickiness, especially if, as Anitanola says, one or both of them are inexperienced.
All sexual behavior is learned one way or another, and exploration is how that happens. Which doesn't mean a person should be pressured to do something she or he doesn't want to--BUT that if she (or he) genuinely wants to enjoy something like oral sex, it is something that can (most?) often be learned.
posted by torticat at 1:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Many POVs here. Mine comes with the assumption that your partner is not pressuring you, not being a jerk, but is simply and understandably deeply disappointed. If he is kind and patient then I suggest he may be the absolute perfect person with whom to experiment with some oral exploration.
If you decide you're game, give it a try after you're both fresh from a shower and talk through it together. The fun of being the giver is that you are responsible for the intense pleasure your partner is experiencing. Perhaps it would help to focus on that if you decide to try this. (On a similar note, I think you are also saying you don't want to receive oral sex. Would suggest you approach this in much the same way, especially if you have a giving lover ready and eager to pleasure you).
Think of it like dancing. If you give it the old college try, say 2-3 times, and you still just hate every moment of it, you may simply be incompatible with this particular partner. Doesn't mean the next partner won't sweep you off your feet, even to the same song.
A couple more random thoughts:
1) no guy wants his gal down there acting all skeeved out and making "ew gross" faces at his penis; if you aren't enjoying it, he won't enjoy it.
2) the point of oral sex is PLEASURE. If you give it a try and it's not fun, why bother?
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:14 AM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you decide you're game, give it a try after you're both fresh from a shower and talk through it together. The fun of being the giver is that you are responsible for the intense pleasure your partner is experiencing. Perhaps it would help to focus on that if you decide to try this. (On a similar note, I think you are also saying you don't want to receive oral sex. Would suggest you approach this in much the same way, especially if you have a giving lover ready and eager to pleasure you).
Think of it like dancing. If you give it the old college try, say 2-3 times, and you still just hate every moment of it, you may simply be incompatible with this particular partner. Doesn't mean the next partner won't sweep you off your feet, even to the same song.
A couple more random thoughts:
1) no guy wants his gal down there acting all skeeved out and making "ew gross" faces at his penis; if you aren't enjoying it, he won't enjoy it.
2) the point of oral sex is PLEASURE. If you give it a try and it's not fun, why bother?
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:14 AM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Am I a freak for not wanting oral?
No. The word "freak" implies a negative connotation, and not wanting to perform a specific sexual act is never wrong. It's always OK to say no.
Am I really way outside the norm?
I don't know how many women out there feel neutrally about performing oral sex on men or even enjoy doing it. But even if you're the only person on the planet who doesn't like it - so what? You don't like it, and that's OK. It's completely OK.
How can I fix myself?
You're not broken.
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
If you really want to go down this route, I'd suggest you think long and hard about it. You're asking how to change a part of your personality to suit someone else. I promise you, this guy is not the only guy out there that you can fall in love with. Roughly half of the population of the entire planet is a potential suitor for you. Your current beau is not special.
I have no experience of doing what you're asking for, but I would approach it like overcoming a phobia. Start with a very small exposure to the stimulus, like putting your face near to his penis. Then work your way up very slowly from there. To disable your gag reflex, fold your left thumb over into the palm of your hand, then fold your fingers down over it and squeeze gently.
I have no idea if this idea of gradual exposure would work or not, and honestly, I'd counsel you spending a lot of time thinking about whether or not this is worth it to you. Only do this if you want to do it 100% and only do it because you want to. Don't do it because you don't want to lose your boyfriend, that's NOT the same as wanting to do it for yourself.
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? Like, I dunno, warm jello or something?
You should probably ask your boyfriend this.
You're 100% OK as you are. You don't ever have to do anything that you don't want to do, sexually. You can, if you want, do things that you don't want to do just to keep a partner, but you're selling yourself short at that point. There is nobody in the world who is worth you not being honest to yourself with. Never compromise about something as important as sex.
posted by Solomon at 2:21 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
No. The word "freak" implies a negative connotation, and not wanting to perform a specific sexual act is never wrong. It's always OK to say no.
Am I really way outside the norm?
I don't know how many women out there feel neutrally about performing oral sex on men or even enjoy doing it. But even if you're the only person on the planet who doesn't like it - so what? You don't like it, and that's OK. It's completely OK.
How can I fix myself?
You're not broken.
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it?
If you really want to go down this route, I'd suggest you think long and hard about it. You're asking how to change a part of your personality to suit someone else. I promise you, this guy is not the only guy out there that you can fall in love with. Roughly half of the population of the entire planet is a potential suitor for you. Your current beau is not special.
I have no experience of doing what you're asking for, but I would approach it like overcoming a phobia. Start with a very small exposure to the stimulus, like putting your face near to his penis. Then work your way up very slowly from there. To disable your gag reflex, fold your left thumb over into the palm of your hand, then fold your fingers down over it and squeeze gently.
I have no idea if this idea of gradual exposure would work or not, and honestly, I'd counsel you spending a lot of time thinking about whether or not this is worth it to you. Only do this if you want to do it 100% and only do it because you want to. Don't do it because you don't want to lose your boyfriend, that's NOT the same as wanting to do it for yourself.
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? Like, I dunno, warm jello or something?
You should probably ask your boyfriend this.
You're 100% OK as you are. You don't ever have to do anything that you don't want to do, sexually. You can, if you want, do things that you don't want to do just to keep a partner, but you're selling yourself short at that point. There is nobody in the world who is worth you not being honest to yourself with. Never compromise about something as important as sex.
posted by Solomon at 2:21 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Noted: the absence, here, of any "Okay so this might sound weird but what I really love to do is suck on his toes and gently torture his nipples and..." Oral sex is repulsive, hand jobs squick OP out, and we haven't been told of the preferred alternatives, which you'd think would have been mentioned if they existed.
OP, are you sure you actually want to be in bed with this guy, or any guy? Are you maybe conflating 'great friend who I love who has great boyfriend-y characteristics' with 'so, he should be my boyfriend'?
I can't conceive of 'this squicks me out but I'll do it anyway' even being particularly pleasant for the other party. (Well, either party...) I don't know what the answer is here but probably the idea that this relationship doesn't have to include a physical component should be on the table.
posted by kmennie at 7:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
OP, are you sure you actually want to be in bed with this guy, or any guy? Are you maybe conflating 'great friend who I love who has great boyfriend-y characteristics' with 'so, he should be my boyfriend'?
I can't conceive of 'this squicks me out but I'll do it anyway' even being particularly pleasant for the other party. (Well, either party...) I don't know what the answer is here but probably the idea that this relationship doesn't have to include a physical component should be on the table.
posted by kmennie at 7:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
Sex is such a personal thing, you have to like what you're doing. I never enjoyed giving head until recently. Even now, it's only because of my partner - I like giving HIM oral.
Justinian said it's way outside the norm to not enjoy giving head. I think he is flat wrong. Some people don't like having a cock in their face or their mouth. That's totally fucking okay! It may, however, be a deal breaker for your relationship.
I would ask myself this: "If I had to give him head every day, would I enjoy the relationship in a year?"
If you really want to learn to like giving head, you have to think about his penis as something you WANT in your mouth. You have to get hot at the thought of it. It won't work for him unless it's working for you. Or, if you just suffer through it to get him off, YOU won't have fun, and that's a mood killer. I think the shower suggestion is good. Smell and taste are super important!
posted by SarahBellum at 8:01 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Justinian said it's way outside the norm to not enjoy giving head. I think he is flat wrong. Some people don't like having a cock in their face or their mouth. That's totally fucking okay! It may, however, be a deal breaker for your relationship.
I would ask myself this: "If I had to give him head every day, would I enjoy the relationship in a year?"
If you really want to learn to like giving head, you have to think about his penis as something you WANT in your mouth. You have to get hot at the thought of it. It won't work for him unless it's working for you. Or, if you just suffer through it to get him off, YOU won't have fun, and that's a mood killer. I think the shower suggestion is good. Smell and taste are super important!
posted by SarahBellum at 8:01 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you don't like handjobs or receiving oral either, you are apparently somewhat uneasy about sex generally. You might want to take a step back and introspect about this in a general way.
This is a massive assumption. It's perfectly possible to not like some sexual activities while enjoying sex.
OP: you're not a freak and drawing conclusions from stats thrown out about how many people engage in a sexual activity is useless because a) sex should be about what both partners want and enjoy or else it's not going to work and b) those are not necessarily the same stats as how many people are eager to engage in that activity.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 8:02 AM on October 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is a massive assumption. It's perfectly possible to not like some sexual activities while enjoying sex.
OP: you're not a freak and drawing conclusions from stats thrown out about how many people engage in a sexual activity is useless because a) sex should be about what both partners want and enjoy or else it's not going to work and b) those are not necessarily the same stats as how many people are eager to engage in that activity.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 8:02 AM on October 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
For me I don't like oral at all because I've had so many guys just expect it and not seem to care that I don't get anything out of it, or that we don't even have a good relationship where they really care how I feel so why would I want to do something that makes me feel like I'm being used as a masturbation object by someone who doesn't care about me? I don't like receiving oral either, I find it HORRIBLE, I don't like warm sensations, the slimy spit grosses me out, I don't like mouths on genitals at all and I get even MORE turned off by the amount of pressuring and work that goes into getting someone to like blow jobs when they don't.
Also in the past, for me, partners have come to expecting blowjobs with a whole nother load of expectations they have gotten from watching porn and telling me what they want to do because of what they saw on porn, and I really DO NOT like porn that is about objectifying bodies into sexual objects without seeing their humanity or caring how they actual feel during the sexual experience or how that effects them in the long run etc etc. I feel like people who watch porn and don't feel concerned about why women are being treated this way or want to know if they are ok or if they feel loved or why sex is so detached from love for them or really not emotionally compatible with my views about really loving someone before you have sex with them.
Essentially I feel like I'm just in the wrong time period because objectifying people is en vogue as is demanding sexual acts as being more innately important than emotional needs. I do not think I could learn to like blow jobs with a partner for whom blow jobs are a deal breaker because I would ultimately just know that learning to do them was something I was going to be required to do, and having had my head shoved in enough crotches and having been pressured and negotiated into so many blow jobs I did not want to do, I've just exhausted of the subject. If the goal is to help me learn to LIKE it, then how I feel should be part of the process and an ultimatum makes it clear that my welfare is not the point of trying to do the blowjobs. It's for him. And the "maybe you would like it if you submitted to it enthusiastically" strikes me as dishonest intent, he's going to ditch you if you can't learn to like it and he not helping you learn to like something because he cares about you-- it's just something he wants.
I think it's possible with someone who didn't have some really deep need for blow jobs, I could see learning to like doing them. I've never had a good partner before so I really don't know what it's like to have the kind of partner that's not pressuring you to do all these sexual things when they aren't as interested as finding out what your needs are. But I'm not sure I could ever really get into them. I don't like how it's assumed the sacrifice should be made on the part of the person who doesn't like a sex act rather than the person who would learn to like not getting blow jobs. I feel like this is Dan Savages gift to relationships. It's reasonable to ask you to learn to like something that sounds horrible to you but totally unreasonably to ask a partner to deal with not having a sex act when that feels horrible to them. I just feel like this really prioritizes people's sexual needs over emotional needs and I don't want to date people with that mentality. I honestly wouldn't want to make that kind of sacrifice for someone who wasn't also willing to make a sacrifice of dealing with no blow jobs if I just couldn't do them.
I wish I had better advice for you, I just want you to feel that you not wanting to do oral sex is totally ok and that is JUST AS VALID as him wanting blowjobs. Breaking up is really sad, and I don't know what you should do, but I really hate you're in this spot because essentially he asked you to choose between a sex act you don't want and breaking up.
You might just need to find a partner that is ok with not having blow jobs, and explore doing them at your own pace if you feel like it. It's ok to break up over this. It's ok to stay and try to figure it out but I'm one who has done these blowjobs with people trying to "help me like them" and it just solidified how much they didn't care about me because they wanted me to do them so much they didn't care it made be feel horrible. On thing you could think about is if there something specific you might like that isn't really his "thing" whether sexual or otherwise that he could do special for you and see if you could find a way to enjoy the fact your partner is happy when you do the thing. It would need to feel like that willingness to do difficult things and "learning to like them" is going both ways though. I feel like asking your partner to do a special gift for you and to get in the spirit of liking it while issuing an ultimatum seems like a difficult premise to do this "learning to like" business. So I guess I'm just suggesting that if you DO try, make sure you're really feeling ok about experimenting and be ok trying to get in the mood but being honest if it just doesn't happen and you're feeling really bad during the attempt. You can probably have more fun with if if you know that IT IS OK at any moment to just say... you know this isn't going to work, I can't do this. Good luck!
posted by xarnop at 8:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
Also in the past, for me, partners have come to expecting blowjobs with a whole nother load of expectations they have gotten from watching porn and telling me what they want to do because of what they saw on porn, and I really DO NOT like porn that is about objectifying bodies into sexual objects without seeing their humanity or caring how they actual feel during the sexual experience or how that effects them in the long run etc etc. I feel like people who watch porn and don't feel concerned about why women are being treated this way or want to know if they are ok or if they feel loved or why sex is so detached from love for them or really not emotionally compatible with my views about really loving someone before you have sex with them.
Essentially I feel like I'm just in the wrong time period because objectifying people is en vogue as is demanding sexual acts as being more innately important than emotional needs. I do not think I could learn to like blow jobs with a partner for whom blow jobs are a deal breaker because I would ultimately just know that learning to do them was something I was going to be required to do, and having had my head shoved in enough crotches and having been pressured and negotiated into so many blow jobs I did not want to do, I've just exhausted of the subject. If the goal is to help me learn to LIKE it, then how I feel should be part of the process and an ultimatum makes it clear that my welfare is not the point of trying to do the blowjobs. It's for him. And the "maybe you would like it if you submitted to it enthusiastically" strikes me as dishonest intent, he's going to ditch you if you can't learn to like it and he not helping you learn to like something because he cares about you-- it's just something he wants.
I think it's possible with someone who didn't have some really deep need for blow jobs, I could see learning to like doing them. I've never had a good partner before so I really don't know what it's like to have the kind of partner that's not pressuring you to do all these sexual things when they aren't as interested as finding out what your needs are. But I'm not sure I could ever really get into them. I don't like how it's assumed the sacrifice should be made on the part of the person who doesn't like a sex act rather than the person who would learn to like not getting blow jobs. I feel like this is Dan Savages gift to relationships. It's reasonable to ask you to learn to like something that sounds horrible to you but totally unreasonably to ask a partner to deal with not having a sex act when that feels horrible to them. I just feel like this really prioritizes people's sexual needs over emotional needs and I don't want to date people with that mentality. I honestly wouldn't want to make that kind of sacrifice for someone who wasn't also willing to make a sacrifice of dealing with no blow jobs if I just couldn't do them.
I wish I had better advice for you, I just want you to feel that you not wanting to do oral sex is totally ok and that is JUST AS VALID as him wanting blowjobs. Breaking up is really sad, and I don't know what you should do, but I really hate you're in this spot because essentially he asked you to choose between a sex act you don't want and breaking up.
You might just need to find a partner that is ok with not having blow jobs, and explore doing them at your own pace if you feel like it. It's ok to break up over this. It's ok to stay and try to figure it out but I'm one who has done these blowjobs with people trying to "help me like them" and it just solidified how much they didn't care about me because they wanted me to do them so much they didn't care it made be feel horrible. On thing you could think about is if there something specific you might like that isn't really his "thing" whether sexual or otherwise that he could do special for you and see if you could find a way to enjoy the fact your partner is happy when you do the thing. It would need to feel like that willingness to do difficult things and "learning to like them" is going both ways though. I feel like asking your partner to do a special gift for you and to get in the spirit of liking it while issuing an ultimatum seems like a difficult premise to do this "learning to like" business. So I guess I'm just suggesting that if you DO try, make sure you're really feeling ok about experimenting and be ok trying to get in the mood but being honest if it just doesn't happen and you're feeling really bad during the attempt. You can probably have more fun with if if you know that IT IS OK at any moment to just say... you know this isn't going to work, I can't do this. Good luck!
posted by xarnop at 8:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
Sex is such a funny one. I'm nthing the point made above that it's always OK to say no (and it's equally OK for him to ask for his needs to be met, but not OK to be a dick about it).
I spent a long time in a marriage that eventually ended in part because my ex pressured me to do a sex act that I really didn't want to do. What I find interesting about this is that I happily do it with my current partner, who has never pressured me. Pressure is the (lady)boner-killer.
I suspect at this point there may be too much pressure tied up in it for you to learn to like it. What's the ideal outcome here? For him I guess it's that you come to like sucking him off. For you? That you never have to? That you are able to get to the point you are with handjobs with it?
If you honestly want to learn to like it, I think it's totally possible, but it seems like he would need to totally back off the pressure and accept that it might never happen, and you would have to not take that as a get-out-of-jail-free card and explore the reasons behind its repulsiveness to you and work on putting your mouth on or near his junk without retching as and when you feel you can, and the eventual compromise is that he gets fewer blowjobs than he'd like but accepts it's a big deal for you and appreciates the effort, and you do more than you'd like but you do it because you want to make him happy. But that requires uncomfortable effort on both your parts and I know from having been somewhere akin to your situation that I never trusted him to back the hell off with it, and I never trusted him not to take it and run with it as soon as I tried to start, and in the end I stopped even wanting to try to make him happy any more.
Option X is to let him get his cock sucked elsewhere. How's your communication and trust?
posted by corvine at 9:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I spent a long time in a marriage that eventually ended in part because my ex pressured me to do a sex act that I really didn't want to do. What I find interesting about this is that I happily do it with my current partner, who has never pressured me. Pressure is the (lady)boner-killer.
I suspect at this point there may be too much pressure tied up in it for you to learn to like it. What's the ideal outcome here? For him I guess it's that you come to like sucking him off. For you? That you never have to? That you are able to get to the point you are with handjobs with it?
If you honestly want to learn to like it, I think it's totally possible, but it seems like he would need to totally back off the pressure and accept that it might never happen, and you would have to not take that as a get-out-of-jail-free card and explore the reasons behind its repulsiveness to you and work on putting your mouth on or near his junk without retching as and when you feel you can, and the eventual compromise is that he gets fewer blowjobs than he'd like but accepts it's a big deal for you and appreciates the effort, and you do more than you'd like but you do it because you want to make him happy. But that requires uncomfortable effort on both your parts and I know from having been somewhere akin to your situation that I never trusted him to back the hell off with it, and I never trusted him not to take it and run with it as soon as I tried to start, and in the end I stopped even wanting to try to make him happy any more.
Option X is to let him get his cock sucked elsewhere. How's your communication and trust?
posted by corvine at 9:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I completely agree with xarnop. Why should you be the one to make the sacrifice?
I detest oral sex - giving and receiving. I have had fights with partners over this and have come to the realization that I would rather be single than ever give a partner oral sex again. I have come to the conclusion that men who make the lack or oral sex a deal-breaker are very controlling and I don't want to be with a controlling person. I can understand a man being disappointed over the lack of oral sex, but that's his problem.
I think about it like this. If I tell a man that I detest oral sex and he still wants me to do it anyway, what kind of person is he? What kind of person enjoys sex with someone who isn't enjoying it or truly willingly going along with it?
I tried to learn how to like oral sex, but I could not get past feeling like I was being forced by a "partner" to do something I hated. Perhaps if you feel like oral sex is a choice and not just a way to avoid breaking up, then you can learn to tolerate it.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:00 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
I detest oral sex - giving and receiving. I have had fights with partners over this and have come to the realization that I would rather be single than ever give a partner oral sex again. I have come to the conclusion that men who make the lack or oral sex a deal-breaker are very controlling and I don't want to be with a controlling person. I can understand a man being disappointed over the lack of oral sex, but that's his problem.
I think about it like this. If I tell a man that I detest oral sex and he still wants me to do it anyway, what kind of person is he? What kind of person enjoys sex with someone who isn't enjoying it or truly willingly going along with it?
I tried to learn how to like oral sex, but I could not get past feeling like I was being forced by a "partner" to do something I hated. Perhaps if you feel like oral sex is a choice and not just a way to avoid breaking up, then you can learn to tolerate it.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:00 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
It's fine to want a thing and have it be a deal breaker (partner who dresses as a cartoon fox)
It's fine to never want to do a thing sexually (dress as a cartoon fox)
Neither party is wrong, but they'll only be happy apart.
posted by French Fry at 10:02 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
It's fine to never want to do a thing sexually (dress as a cartoon fox)
Neither party is wrong, but they'll only be happy apart.
posted by French Fry at 10:02 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
Are you young? Have you had a lot or a little sexual experience? It took me a while to get used to the idea of giving a blowjob, to figure out how to do it, and to learn to enjoy giving that pleasure. Maybe someday it's something you'll feel more comfortable about, or not.
I hope that the dealbreaker for you is being pressured.
How do we resolve this? You resolve it as an issue that needs the 2 of you to solve it.
Am I a total weirdo? Nope.
Is there a strategy I can use to suppress my visceral reactions? Yes, practice, no deep thrusts by him into your mouth & throat, no coming in your mouth or on you, start out with baby steps like licking him, and progress only at whatever rate you are really comfortable with, no oral unless you feel comfortable.
Are we doomed? Be sure he's as Good, Game and Giving as he wants you to be.
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Nope.
Am I really way outside the norm? Nope.
How can I fix myself? You Are Not Broken.
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it? Yes. Take showers. Have him lie still, no thrusting, no pushing your head towards his penis. Lights low, if that feel better to you. Check out his penis, his balls, his ass, and any other parts of him you have curiosity about. Play with his penis, try different things that might be nice for him. Some flavored lube might be fun. Smell him, give his penis a little taste. Caress him. Do as much as you feel comfortable doing, and then stop. Have penis in vagina sex, or not.
Consider that a blowjob is intensely pleasurable to him. Some women feel powerful at giving that much pleasure. Try it again as often or not-often as feels okay to you. It can take time to feel good about different ways of being sexual, and that's fine. It's fine to never feel okay about giving a blow job.
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? well-lubricated hand job. Many men these days seem to want anal sex; that may not appeal to you. Penis in vagina sex is really swell, really, really swell.
Like, I dunno, warm jello or something? Get some good sex lube. It makes sexy fun times sexy, fun, slippery and nice.
He has indicated that this may be a deal-breaker, but I love him and don't want to lose him! I am troubled by this. Does he give you lots of good oral sex? Does he really listen to you, and does he really understand that sucking his penis is something you find repulsive? Are you having orgasms? Are you sure? Any partner who pressured me to do something I find repulsive is someone I would be wary of. If he rushes and/or pressures you, you're likely to feel worse.
posted by theora55 at 12:39 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I hope that the dealbreaker for you is being pressured.
How do we resolve this? You resolve it as an issue that needs the 2 of you to solve it.
Am I a total weirdo? Nope.
Is there a strategy I can use to suppress my visceral reactions? Yes, practice, no deep thrusts by him into your mouth & throat, no coming in your mouth or on you, start out with baby steps like licking him, and progress only at whatever rate you are really comfortable with, no oral unless you feel comfortable.
Are we doomed? Be sure he's as Good, Game and Giving as he wants you to be.
Am I a freak for not wanting oral? Nope.
Am I really way outside the norm? Nope.
How can I fix myself? You Are Not Broken.
Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it? Yes. Take showers. Have him lie still, no thrusting, no pushing your head towards his penis. Lights low, if that feel better to you. Check out his penis, his balls, his ass, and any other parts of him you have curiosity about. Play with his penis, try different things that might be nice for him. Some flavored lube might be fun. Smell him, give his penis a little taste. Caress him. Do as much as you feel comfortable doing, and then stop. Have penis in vagina sex, or not.
Consider that a blowjob is intensely pleasurable to him. Some women feel powerful at giving that much pleasure. Try it again as often or not-often as feels okay to you. It can take time to feel good about different ways of being sexual, and that's fine. It's fine to never feel okay about giving a blow job.
Are there any alternatives that might please him in a similar way? well-lubricated hand job. Many men these days seem to want anal sex; that may not appeal to you. Penis in vagina sex is really swell, really, really swell.
Like, I dunno, warm jello or something? Get some good sex lube. It makes sexy fun times sexy, fun, slippery and nice.
He has indicated that this may be a deal-breaker, but I love him and don't want to lose him! I am troubled by this. Does he give you lots of good oral sex? Does he really listen to you, and does he really understand that sucking his penis is something you find repulsive? Are you having orgasms? Are you sure? Any partner who pressured me to do something I find repulsive is someone I would be wary of. If he rushes and/or pressures you, you're likely to feel worse.
posted by theora55 at 12:39 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't think saying something might be a dealbreaker is out of line. That's exactly the sort of honest communication we tend to encourage in relationships. If something is a requirement for you in a relationship you have to tell your partner that; they aren't a mind reader.
There's nothing wrong with oral sex being a dealbreaker to OP (in terms of not wanting to do it) OR the OP's boyfriend.
posted by Justinian at 2:14 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with oral sex being a dealbreaker to OP (in terms of not wanting to do it) OR the OP's boyfriend.
posted by Justinian at 2:14 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Is it possible to learn how to like it, or at least tolerate it? ...I love him and don't want to lose him!"
I'd like to return to this, as the question is still open and has stuck with me. It reminds me of an old saw, "men see love as a path to having sex, while women see sex as a means to having love." OF COURSE, that is simplistic and not a little cynical but, even so, it highlights the truth of the often transactional partnership which can cheat both parties--the sex-seeker is too willing to forfeit real love, and the love-seeker cheats herself of the absolutely transcendent experience of fulfilling sex with an adored and adoring partner. Love and intimacy take time and partners are not interchangeable. It might not be you who is not clicking here -- it might be him.
Some women learn only slowly how to become fully responsive sexually. If you see yourself as having the responsibility for learning a technique to enhance his sexual fulfillment so that he will stay with you (which is almost the tone of your question), you are not only forcing a kind of violation on yourself but also short-changing yourself. He should be turning you on and you both should be paying enough attention to this that you are having orgasms at least as wonderful as the ones he is seeking. This is not something you should be overlooking. What I discovered, after I discovered how to have orgasms, was, for me, oral sex was a greater level of intimacy than PIV sex and my participation depended on my being very physically attracted to AND loving my partner. It was, as you say, visceral--either I was or I wasn't that attracted and, even if I was, that physical response could disappear if the relationship eroded. I think I can con myself that my good intentions are enough but my body doesn't lie.
For what it's worth, there will be questions and problems centering on sex and love as long as you are alive so consider this the norm. If it's always going to be fraught, you might as well find out what you like and do that (as long as you've a consenting partner--or none). You can't make someone else happy or make them stay with you. They have to want to. You could find the perfect partner and be blissfully happy for years, decades, and then shit happens and there's the problem again. Sex is one thing that is just not worth doing if you're not doing it for you.
posted by Anitanola at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'd like to return to this, as the question is still open and has stuck with me. It reminds me of an old saw, "men see love as a path to having sex, while women see sex as a means to having love." OF COURSE, that is simplistic and not a little cynical but, even so, it highlights the truth of the often transactional partnership which can cheat both parties--the sex-seeker is too willing to forfeit real love, and the love-seeker cheats herself of the absolutely transcendent experience of fulfilling sex with an adored and adoring partner. Love and intimacy take time and partners are not interchangeable. It might not be you who is not clicking here -- it might be him.
Some women learn only slowly how to become fully responsive sexually. If you see yourself as having the responsibility for learning a technique to enhance his sexual fulfillment so that he will stay with you (which is almost the tone of your question), you are not only forcing a kind of violation on yourself but also short-changing yourself. He should be turning you on and you both should be paying enough attention to this that you are having orgasms at least as wonderful as the ones he is seeking. This is not something you should be overlooking. What I discovered, after I discovered how to have orgasms, was, for me, oral sex was a greater level of intimacy than PIV sex and my participation depended on my being very physically attracted to AND loving my partner. It was, as you say, visceral--either I was or I wasn't that attracted and, even if I was, that physical response could disappear if the relationship eroded. I think I can con myself that my good intentions are enough but my body doesn't lie.
For what it's worth, there will be questions and problems centering on sex and love as long as you are alive so consider this the norm. If it's always going to be fraught, you might as well find out what you like and do that (as long as you've a consenting partner--or none). You can't make someone else happy or make them stay with you. They have to want to. You could find the perfect partner and be blissfully happy for years, decades, and then shit happens and there's the problem again. Sex is one thing that is just not worth doing if you're not doing it for you.
posted by Anitanola at 8:00 PM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Fantastic advice from Anitanola. You have to do what's right for you of course and whatever you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you might feel up to do it and have fun with it and other times you might not. That's okay. Trust me, I'm sure your partner would enjoy it a lot more if you were actually into it and a bit clumsy, etc. than if you were completely repulsed at the moment and gave it a less than enthusiastic go about it. I think in this situation quality definitely trumps quantity. (Or at least it should, if your partner doesn't feel that way then maybe you should be having a different conversation).
However, if it's something that you have pinpointed the specific reason as to why, and not just practice, then that will help a lot. Best recommendations for getting more comfortable is of course, physically being as comfortable as possible. From there, it might help if your partner is freshly scrubbed/trimmed as to be suitable to your liking (it helps if you enjoy it too of course and are attracted to the idea rather than just a "labor of love". You shouldn't force yourself to do something you really don't want to do. Especially in a relationship, especially something as intimate as sex. It sets a terrible precedent and this way leads to heartache).
Some people suggested lube, jelly, or an assortment of other 'flavorings' to make it a bit more palatable, but you might want to try coconut oil. Also, the best thing you can really do in this situation besides logistics, is ask your partner. For tips/tricks/pointers what gets them going, what it is you can do that really puts them over the edge. If you feel discouraged, stop and then try again when you're feeling more up to it. Making this as no pressure as possible is the key. Also, if you'd prefer it to be an anniversary/birthday/holiday thing, that is a perfectly fine and reasonable thing to ask for. If they don't go for that and want it every day, all the time, etc. then maybe you might want to re-evaluate your needs and how they are prioritized in the relationship.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:21 PM on October 16, 2013
However, if it's something that you have pinpointed the specific reason as to why, and not just practice, then that will help a lot. Best recommendations for getting more comfortable is of course, physically being as comfortable as possible. From there, it might help if your partner is freshly scrubbed/trimmed as to be suitable to your liking (it helps if you enjoy it too of course and are attracted to the idea rather than just a "labor of love". You shouldn't force yourself to do something you really don't want to do. Especially in a relationship, especially something as intimate as sex. It sets a terrible precedent and this way leads to heartache).
Some people suggested lube, jelly, or an assortment of other 'flavorings' to make it a bit more palatable, but you might want to try coconut oil. Also, the best thing you can really do in this situation besides logistics, is ask your partner. For tips/tricks/pointers what gets them going, what it is you can do that really puts them over the edge. If you feel discouraged, stop and then try again when you're feeling more up to it. Making this as no pressure as possible is the key. Also, if you'd prefer it to be an anniversary/birthday/holiday thing, that is a perfectly fine and reasonable thing to ask for. If they don't go for that and want it every day, all the time, etc. then maybe you might want to re-evaluate your needs and how they are prioritized in the relationship.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:21 PM on October 16, 2013
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posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:43 PM on October 11, 2013 [13 favorites]