So...is it my turn to ask him out now?
October 9, 2013 12:54 AM Subscribe
Online dating (*sigh*). Two successful dates with the same guy. Is it okay to wait for him to contact me, or should I be more proactive?
He contacted me on an online dating site, about 4 weeks ago. We chatted a bit, then he suggested meeting that Saturday afternoon. We met, got along like a house on fire, and the date only finished when I had to leave for another appointment.
The following day, he left for a two-week holiday. He emailed when he got there, and we emailed back and forth for the rest of the time. He messaged me the day he arrived back in town and asked me out for dinner that weekend.
Dinner went great and conversation flowed for hours. He paid (I tried to pay half, but he insisted), and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodnight. He said he loved my company and would definitely be in touch. The next day, we had a brief text interaction when I messaged him to say 'thanks again for dinner'.
It's now Wednesday. I would like to catch up with him this weekend. My question is, given that he has been quite traditional in the way he's gone about things so far (initiating contact, booking the restaurant & paying, etc.), should I wait for him to make the next move (or not)? Or is it 'my turn', so to speak?
Answering 'Don't play games/ if you want to call him, call him/ everyone is different so there's no way to know what he's thinking', whilst probably valid, is not really helpful. :) I am trying to understand if there's some acceptable protocol for this kind of thing. I don't want to force something if he's not really interested, but I don't want to turn him off by sitting around passively and letting him do all the legwork.
Thanks!
He contacted me on an online dating site, about 4 weeks ago. We chatted a bit, then he suggested meeting that Saturday afternoon. We met, got along like a house on fire, and the date only finished when I had to leave for another appointment.
The following day, he left for a two-week holiday. He emailed when he got there, and we emailed back and forth for the rest of the time. He messaged me the day he arrived back in town and asked me out for dinner that weekend.
Dinner went great and conversation flowed for hours. He paid (I tried to pay half, but he insisted), and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodnight. He said he loved my company and would definitely be in touch. The next day, we had a brief text interaction when I messaged him to say 'thanks again for dinner'.
It's now Wednesday. I would like to catch up with him this weekend. My question is, given that he has been quite traditional in the way he's gone about things so far (initiating contact, booking the restaurant & paying, etc.), should I wait for him to make the next move (or not)? Or is it 'my turn', so to speak?
Answering 'Don't play games/ if you want to call him, call him/ everyone is different so there's no way to know what he's thinking', whilst probably valid, is not really helpful. :) I am trying to understand if there's some acceptable protocol for this kind of thing. I don't want to force something if he's not really interested, but I don't want to turn him off by sitting around passively and letting him do all the legwork.
Thanks!
FWIW men (looking for women at least) pretty much have to initiate contact on dating sites, so I wouldn't count that as any sort of indication that he would not like you to ask him out.
posted by clorox at 1:11 AM on October 9, 2013
posted by clorox at 1:11 AM on October 9, 2013
I can't imagine he'd be anything but pleased to have you take the initiative with a plan!
"I really enjoyed our dinner the other night and I'd love to reciprocate. Would you join me for dinner on Saturday?"
No dude with half a brain is going to go the route of "well darn, after two great dates she has to go and ruin things by taking the initiative."
You go for it girl! Two great dates feels GOOD; you deserve a third.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 1:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
"I really enjoyed our dinner the other night and I'd love to reciprocate. Would you join me for dinner on Saturday?"
No dude with half a brain is going to go the route of "well darn, after two great dates she has to go and ruin things by taking the initiative."
You go for it girl! Two great dates feels GOOD; you deserve a third.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 1:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
I would pick a specific activity you would like to do, and ask him if he's interested in doing that thing.
posted by gryftir at 1:31 AM on October 9, 2013
posted by gryftir at 1:31 AM on October 9, 2013
I've never online dated, so take this with a pinch of salt, but...
You've had two dates. He's emailed you while on holiday. He loved your company. He sounds keen to me. Dating is a kabuki dance of sorts. He's likely to be just as worried about making you claustrophobic as the reverse.
If he likes you, and it sounds like he does, you'll make his day by inviting him out. Men hate having to make all the moves. They have the same insecurities about how soon is too soon, how keen is too keen.
Dividing the labour splits the risk of rejection and doubles the opportunity of meeting up with the person you like more often. Online dating is a funnel. Lots of unsuitable people and a small number of suitable ones you hope feel the same way about you. If you've got as far as a second date and he's said he likes you the chances that a third date will go well are far more likely than the reverse.
tl:dr go for it.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:36 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've had two dates. He's emailed you while on holiday. He loved your company. He sounds keen to me. Dating is a kabuki dance of sorts. He's likely to be just as worried about making you claustrophobic as the reverse.
If he likes you, and it sounds like he does, you'll make his day by inviting him out. Men hate having to make all the moves. They have the same insecurities about how soon is too soon, how keen is too keen.
Dividing the labour splits the risk of rejection and doubles the opportunity of meeting up with the person you like more often. Online dating is a funnel. Lots of unsuitable people and a small number of suitable ones you hope feel the same way about you. If you've got as far as a second date and he's said he likes you the chances that a third date will go well are far more likely than the reverse.
tl:dr go for it.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:36 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just to clarify: I know that my taking the initiative is not likely to turn him off if he is interested. What I am worried about is that if he is not that interested, and was undecided about seeing me again, and I take the initiative he might just...go along with it. To see what's in it for him/ leave his options open.
Sadly, yes, I do think (some) guys do this. Hence the existence of books like 'He's Just Not That Into You'. (And no, that book is not my Bible or anything - far from it, I think it's reductive and simplistic. However, based on experience, I do think there are kernels of truth in it.)
I'll stop threadsitting. Thanks for all the replies so far.
posted by Salamander at 1:41 AM on October 9, 2013
Sadly, yes, I do think (some) guys do this. Hence the existence of books like 'He's Just Not That Into You'. (And no, that book is not my Bible or anything - far from it, I think it's reductive and simplistic. However, based on experience, I do think there are kernels of truth in it.)
I'll stop threadsitting. Thanks for all the replies so far.
posted by Salamander at 1:41 AM on October 9, 2013
Call him, ask him out. Your fear of rejection is obscuring your perspective on this one; dude wouldn't have emailed you all the time he was away if he was just going along.
posted by smoke at 2:10 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by smoke at 2:10 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If you look at my AskMe answering history, you will see that I pop up whenever a woman asks about making the first move (or, in this case, the third move), and I always have the same answer: go for it! My wife asked me out on our first date. That was 20 years ago, and I have been thankful every single day since then that she made the first move.
But to put my personal biases aside, I would do a cost/benefit analysis on this. If he's not into you, and you ask him out and he goes along with it just to keep his options open, eventually it will just peter out. You will have wasted a little time on him, but it's no big deal.
On the other hand, if he is into you (and it sounds like he is) and if he's a great match for you (and it sounds like he might be), and you let things fade away because you're afraid of taking the initiative-- you'll have missed out on the chance for something great. And I think that is a much bigger risk.
posted by yankeefog at 2:13 AM on October 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
But to put my personal biases aside, I would do a cost/benefit analysis on this. If he's not into you, and you ask him out and he goes along with it just to keep his options open, eventually it will just peter out. You will have wasted a little time on him, but it's no big deal.
On the other hand, if he is into you (and it sounds like he is) and if he's a great match for you (and it sounds like he might be), and you let things fade away because you're afraid of taking the initiative-- you'll have missed out on the chance for something great. And I think that is a much bigger risk.
posted by yankeefog at 2:13 AM on October 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
ASK HIM OUT!
Also, everything that yankeefog said.
posted by clorox at 2:22 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, everything that yankeefog said.
posted by clorox at 2:22 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ask him. You have no idea why he hasn't called you. Maybe he's been busy or maybe he lost your number or maybe he doesn't like you or maybe he really likes you and is worried about coming on too strong. You have no idea.
Everything you posted points towards him liking you. Get in touch. It's on him to say no if he doesn't want to see you.
posted by Magnakai at 3:00 AM on October 9, 2013
Everything you posted points towards him liking you. Get in touch. It's on him to say no if he doesn't want to see you.
posted by Magnakai at 3:00 AM on October 9, 2013
You've got nothing to lose by asking. If he's the kind of guy who's turned off so easily after two great dates and all that positive interaction, then you're better off finding out now that he's got such arbitrary standards and apparently wants a passive receptor of his advances rather than an equal partner. And if he's having the same "gosh she's great, I hope she's into this!" feelings you are, you initiating plans will reassure him nicely. Go for it!
posted by lemniskate at 3:25 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by lemniskate at 3:25 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am trying to understand if there's some acceptable protocol for this kind of thing.
There is not. Ask him out.
posted by Mizu at 3:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
There is not. Ask him out.
posted by Mizu at 3:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What I am worried about is that if he is not that interested, and was undecided about seeing me again, and I take the initiative he might just...go along with it.
I'd call this a good thing--guy is on the fence about you, gives you another shot. Maybe it all works out.
I met my beloved wife on Match.com. She messaged me first and asked me out. I was delighted. We had a good first date, but I think she thought I was not all that in to her (I was). We went out on a second date, at which I was pronouncing her name wrong, which got on her nerves. We salvaged the date, and had a good time. We have been together four years now, and are very, very happily married.
I'd hate to think where I'd be if she and I didn't get second chances in those early dates.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:04 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd call this a good thing--guy is on the fence about you, gives you another shot. Maybe it all works out.
I met my beloved wife on Match.com. She messaged me first and asked me out. I was delighted. We had a good first date, but I think she thought I was not all that in to her (I was). We went out on a second date, at which I was pronouncing her name wrong, which got on her nerves. We salvaged the date, and had a good time. We have been together four years now, and are very, very happily married.
I'd hate to think where I'd be if she and I didn't get second chances in those early dates.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:04 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Okay, I just texted him and asked if he wants to see Gravity in 3D at the cinema this weekend. Done and done. Thanks!
posted by Salamander at 4:12 AM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Salamander at 4:12 AM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: He said yes. :)
posted by Salamander at 4:56 AM on October 9, 2013 [49 favorites]
posted by Salamander at 4:56 AM on October 9, 2013 [49 favorites]
Here's the protocol:
If you didn't like him, don't ask.
If you didn't like him and he asks, say no.
If you did like him and he did not like you (by his actions or words), don't ask.
If you did like him and he obviously (by his actions or words) liked you, ask.
If you did like him and was not clear about you, hesitate for 12 seconds then ask.
(Enjoy the movie, it was great. You will have a lot to talk about afterwards.)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you didn't like him, don't ask.
If you didn't like him and he asks, say no.
If you did like him and he did not like you (by his actions or words), don't ask.
If you did like him and he obviously (by his actions or words) liked you, ask.
If you did like him and was not clear about you, hesitate for 12 seconds then ask.
(Enjoy the movie, it was great. You will have a lot to talk about afterwards.)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:29 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
"He said yes. :)"
Wishing you two the best of luck.
posted by vapidave at 5:43 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wishing you two the best of luck.
posted by vapidave at 5:43 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Awesome. Wanted to chime in and say that you should be 100% yourself with this guy. That way if he's into you, he's into the REAL you.
Don't over think stuff, don't edit yourself, be real.
Great relationships aren't tortured things, they're easy and fun.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't over think stuff, don't edit yourself, be real.
Great relationships aren't tortured things, they're easy and fun.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
"He said yes. :)
Good for you, and have a great time!
posted by Dolley at 6:17 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Good for you, and have a great time!
posted by Dolley at 6:17 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you get the impression that he is traditional/conservative, invite him to your home for a home-cooked dinner. That kills several birds with one stone. Even if he wants to be the date initiator, there's no way he could initiate a house date at your place. And traditional men lovee to be nurtured. Plus there are a number of studies that have shown that positive regard increases dramatically around delicious food.
Dinner need not be fancy. Just yummy.
posted by janey47 at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Dinner need not be fancy. Just yummy.
posted by janey47 at 7:02 AM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Why not? There is no set protocl for this sort of thing, and I think expecting him to do all of the running is... queer. If he's not interested he'll turn you down.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:06 AM on October 9, 2013 [9 favorites]