How to provide some support from afar?
October 4, 2013 12:08 PM Subscribe
What are some ways that I can provide support from afar for friends dealing with illness?
A friend of mine is supporting another friend through serious illness. They just received more bad news last night.
I asked the caretaker friend if wanted to talk or anything and she said thank you but she was too tired to talk right now, and that she needed to conserve energy for what is to come. She is staying in the house with the ill friend.
I'm on the other side of the country. I've thought of having food and flowers delivered, but this doesn't seem quite right. What are some ways that I can provide support from afar?
A friend of mine is supporting another friend through serious illness. They just received more bad news last night.
I asked the caretaker friend if wanted to talk or anything and she said thank you but she was too tired to talk right now, and that she needed to conserve energy for what is to come. She is staying in the house with the ill friend.
I'm on the other side of the country. I've thought of having food and flowers delivered, but this doesn't seem quite right. What are some ways that I can provide support from afar?
Rather than asking, "What can I do", say, "I'd like to send a meal, what can she eat?"
The caretaker is almost always too exhausted to think of things for you to do - even if you mean it in the most giving way.
Meals are always right. Rarely does a caretaker have time or energy to cook. Also, cards and letters to let the ill person know that you're thinking about them is really nice as well.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:55 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
The caretaker is almost always too exhausted to think of things for you to do - even if you mean it in the most giving way.
Meals are always right. Rarely does a caretaker have time or energy to cook. Also, cards and letters to let the ill person know that you're thinking about them is really nice as well.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:55 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Do you think the caretaker would like a gift certificate for a massage? Maybe they could have it done at the house they are staying at....or maybe paying for respite for the caretaker.
posted by cairnoflore at 4:53 PM on October 4, 2013
posted by cairnoflore at 4:53 PM on October 4, 2013
The money you'd use for flowers or a massage or whatever, send that money to the caretaker, telling them that "Hey, I thought of sending you flowers or a massage or something but thought to send the money instead, and let you decide you want to use it for." Then they can buy some nice tea, or a cup of coffee, or a loaf of really good bread, or a hat, or whatever else it is they want to use the care your money represents.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:40 PM on October 4, 2013
posted by dancestoblue at 7:40 PM on October 4, 2013
Things that meant a lot to me in similar circumstances:
- a small bouquet of flowers with a thoughtful note that meant a lot. It was a really small bouquet in a self-contained vase, so all I had to do was put it on a table, and I have kept the note.
- An envelope with cash for expenses, given by a third party so we to this day have no idea who it was, which made the gesture somehow even more loving and kind.
- random postcards and boxes of little silly gifts, without the expectation of a return needed, just that they were thinking of me. Always bright funny cards.
- handmade things, or hand-me-downs with a family story for a particular child. Or very pretty things I would never have bought for the child, given with affection.
- Coffee store cards.
- Shopping. Online or offline, shopping takes time and effort, and a friend went and did two big shopping errands for us that meant we could spend the day at the hospital instead.
Things that really didn't help were offers to talk or "anything you need, just ask". We were often too exhausted and sad to ask for help (asking, organising and delegating takes time - there are lots of metafilter posts on good websites and practices for stuff like organising meals and transport for patients with a group), and we had practical help. It was being cheered up that really made a difference.
Practical help is great, but being a cheerful (and not about the illness - just ordinary normal life stuff talk) friend is a real gift. Phonecalls and letters (real ones, not email) can mean so much.
posted by viggorlijah at 9:40 PM on October 4, 2013
- a small bouquet of flowers with a thoughtful note that meant a lot. It was a really small bouquet in a self-contained vase, so all I had to do was put it on a table, and I have kept the note.
- An envelope with cash for expenses, given by a third party so we to this day have no idea who it was, which made the gesture somehow even more loving and kind.
- random postcards and boxes of little silly gifts, without the expectation of a return needed, just that they were thinking of me. Always bright funny cards.
- handmade things, or hand-me-downs with a family story for a particular child. Or very pretty things I would never have bought for the child, given with affection.
- Coffee store cards.
- Shopping. Online or offline, shopping takes time and effort, and a friend went and did two big shopping errands for us that meant we could spend the day at the hospital instead.
Things that really didn't help were offers to talk or "anything you need, just ask". We were often too exhausted and sad to ask for help (asking, organising and delegating takes time - there are lots of metafilter posts on good websites and practices for stuff like organising meals and transport for patients with a group), and we had practical help. It was being cheered up that really made a difference.
Practical help is great, but being a cheerful (and not about the illness - just ordinary normal life stuff talk) friend is a real gift. Phonecalls and letters (real ones, not email) can mean so much.
posted by viggorlijah at 9:40 PM on October 4, 2013
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Otherwise, a meal delivery certificate is a really nice thing.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:17 PM on October 4, 2013