How do I stop being so negative and pessimistic at work?
October 2, 2013 6:40 AM Subscribe
Management told us that we need to be positive and upbeat at work. I can be fairly pessimistic and jaded. How do I reconcile these two things? Lots of snowflakiness inside.
Apologies for the snowflakiness in here. Also apologies if this doesn't make all that much sense.
I'm a team lead at a firm. Our team is under 50 people, so we're sort of tight knit. Recently we received an announcement from upper management that said that everyone needs to be more positive and that negativity isn't going to really be tolerated. Trying to eliminate all negativity isn't going to work ever, so it seems silly to try to do so. It also means that the company is going to become more one-minded, and that sort of consistent patting each other on the back could lead to us biting off more than we can chew and getting ourselves in trouble with our clients.
Now admittedly, I am a generally pessimistic person. I don't have it in me to be gung-ho and overly optimistic about things. I can't bring myself to say, "Crazy project due in 3 days? We can do it!" When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble. I'm also fairly jaded, and that comes out a bit too. For example, when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be), I tend to be a bit vocal about it internally with my team. Honestly I think my team responds well to this, as they're also down in the trenches dealing with our clients. I get why this may rub management the wrong way, as negativity breeds negativity, and that needs to be reined in so that our actual work doesn't suffer.
Anyway, I'm concerned that I can't be the person that management wants me to be, and that my position in the company is going to suffer as a result. I don't know how to just turn off my pessimism and jadedness - it's a part of me and always has been. As I said, a little pessimism could be good for our company so that we don't end up going off the deep end. Maybe I take it a bit too far at times, but I don't know how to rein that in. I am in therapy, but we haven't quite made it to this issue yet.
It seems like there are a few ways out of this. One, I can try to be the person management wants me to be. Alternatively, I can somehow convince them that my brand of healthy dissent is constructive and helps us be more successful. But I need AskMeFi's help on this. If the answer is the first one - that I should try to fill management's expectations - how do I do that? How do I stop myself from being negative? If the answer is the second one, how do I phrase that so that it actually sounds constructive? With whom do I discuss that? What do I do if they turn a deaf ear to me and start stonewalling me in my position? Is there another solution here that I'm not seeing? If you've been in this position, how did you get out of it?
Apologies for the snowflakiness in here. Also apologies if this doesn't make all that much sense.
I'm a team lead at a firm. Our team is under 50 people, so we're sort of tight knit. Recently we received an announcement from upper management that said that everyone needs to be more positive and that negativity isn't going to really be tolerated. Trying to eliminate all negativity isn't going to work ever, so it seems silly to try to do so. It also means that the company is going to become more one-minded, and that sort of consistent patting each other on the back could lead to us biting off more than we can chew and getting ourselves in trouble with our clients.
Now admittedly, I am a generally pessimistic person. I don't have it in me to be gung-ho and overly optimistic about things. I can't bring myself to say, "Crazy project due in 3 days? We can do it!" When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble. I'm also fairly jaded, and that comes out a bit too. For example, when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be), I tend to be a bit vocal about it internally with my team. Honestly I think my team responds well to this, as they're also down in the trenches dealing with our clients. I get why this may rub management the wrong way, as negativity breeds negativity, and that needs to be reined in so that our actual work doesn't suffer.
Anyway, I'm concerned that I can't be the person that management wants me to be, and that my position in the company is going to suffer as a result. I don't know how to just turn off my pessimism and jadedness - it's a part of me and always has been. As I said, a little pessimism could be good for our company so that we don't end up going off the deep end. Maybe I take it a bit too far at times, but I don't know how to rein that in. I am in therapy, but we haven't quite made it to this issue yet.
It seems like there are a few ways out of this. One, I can try to be the person management wants me to be. Alternatively, I can somehow convince them that my brand of healthy dissent is constructive and helps us be more successful. But I need AskMeFi's help on this. If the answer is the first one - that I should try to fill management's expectations - how do I do that? How do I stop myself from being negative? If the answer is the second one, how do I phrase that so that it actually sounds constructive? With whom do I discuss that? What do I do if they turn a deaf ear to me and start stonewalling me in my position? Is there another solution here that I'm not seeing? If you've been in this position, how did you get out of it?
I think there's a difference between "Nope, not gonna work," and "Hmmm, that timeframe seems really tight. Can we figure out what's essential, and hold off on the other stuff for a bit?"
I've worked in a company with an IT manager who seemed to say "Nope," with no further discussion allowed, to every suggestion any other department made, and it was demoralizing and exhausting professionally, even though I really liked the guy personally. He left/was fired (not really sure which), and the new manager never over-promised anything, nor was he particularly perky or rah!rah!rah! or anything, but he would sit down with us and figure out how to do what we needed in ways that would work. Which certainly involved saying "No" from time to time, but not in ways that shut down the conversation.
Is there a way that you can internally notice the "pain points," but bring them up in a way that's less "This isn't going to work" and more "How can we solve this"?
posted by jaguar at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
I've worked in a company with an IT manager who seemed to say "Nope," with no further discussion allowed, to every suggestion any other department made, and it was demoralizing and exhausting professionally, even though I really liked the guy personally. He left/was fired (not really sure which), and the new manager never over-promised anything, nor was he particularly perky or rah!rah!rah! or anything, but he would sit down with us and figure out how to do what we needed in ways that would work. Which certainly involved saying "No" from time to time, but not in ways that shut down the conversation.
Is there a way that you can internally notice the "pain points," but bring them up in a way that's less "This isn't going to work" and more "How can we solve this"?
posted by jaguar at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
There's Pessimism, there's Pragmatism and there's Eeyore.
Most of this is in the presentation.
First of all, stupid people are stupid. Accept it. It's not worthy of comment so stop commenting on it.
Now, if something is assigned to you without sufficient resources to complete it correctly in the time alloted, it is not pessimism to say, "I understand that we're all under a time-crunch on this project, as it stands now, we don't have the time or resources to complete this to the level of quality I'm comfortable with. Here are my ideas for doing so: X, B, Q."
In other words, voice your skepticism, but only if you can offer alternatives. Don't just complain to complain. That helps no one.
Finally, if you're being asked to dig the Panama Canal with a tea spoon, if you don't like it, find a job where the resources and expectations are more in line with your way of thinking.
I used to think that my dour comments and Cassandra-like predictions of doom were funny. They weren't. It annoyed people and made them think I was a know-it-all smart ass. It was WORSE if I turned out to be right. I sometimes think I would be Vice President of something if only I knew how to keep my mouth shut. Oh well, I learned too late in life.
You have to rehab this NOW.
Don't accept that you're a pessemist. Smile more, think of positive things to say.
Instead of saying, "Don't Forget" say, "Remember". It's more positive.
Be conscious of doing it, bite your tongue, reward good tries.
But knock this shit off.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
Most of this is in the presentation.
First of all, stupid people are stupid. Accept it. It's not worthy of comment so stop commenting on it.
Now, if something is assigned to you without sufficient resources to complete it correctly in the time alloted, it is not pessimism to say, "I understand that we're all under a time-crunch on this project, as it stands now, we don't have the time or resources to complete this to the level of quality I'm comfortable with. Here are my ideas for doing so: X, B, Q."
In other words, voice your skepticism, but only if you can offer alternatives. Don't just complain to complain. That helps no one.
Finally, if you're being asked to dig the Panama Canal with a tea spoon, if you don't like it, find a job where the resources and expectations are more in line with your way of thinking.
I used to think that my dour comments and Cassandra-like predictions of doom were funny. They weren't. It annoyed people and made them think I was a know-it-all smart ass. It was WORSE if I turned out to be right. I sometimes think I would be Vice President of something if only I knew how to keep my mouth shut. Oh well, I learned too late in life.
You have to rehab this NOW.
Don't accept that you're a pessemist. Smile more, think of positive things to say.
Instead of saying, "Don't Forget" say, "Remember". It's more positive.
Be conscious of doing it, bite your tongue, reward good tries.
But knock this shit off.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
Let me offer two notions:
a. Vent up. When you really, really have something negative to say, tell it to your supervisor rather than to your team. It's important to be allowed to say negative things--but in a safe environment where you won't have to worry about it being taken the wrong way, or spread like a virus, or have you painted as 'negative' (which often just means 'realistic').
b. Use humor and suggest solutions to defuse negativity with your team. You have to raise the red flags, you have to keep everyone aware of the problems that can harm a project. But it can be done with humor and good spirits! Everyone knows when I start a sentence with, "Here, let me complicate things a little bit," that there is going to be a lecture on everything that can go horribly wrong with a project...but I try to keep that lighthearted, and I offer a few options, so that everyone knows I trust them to get the thing fixed.
I'm not a big fan of the overly positive thing, as it makes communication stilted and weird, but I don't think you have to change your personality--maybe just your audience and slight bits of your presentation--to make it work.
posted by mittens at 6:58 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
a. Vent up. When you really, really have something negative to say, tell it to your supervisor rather than to your team. It's important to be allowed to say negative things--but in a safe environment where you won't have to worry about it being taken the wrong way, or spread like a virus, or have you painted as 'negative' (which often just means 'realistic').
b. Use humor and suggest solutions to defuse negativity with your team. You have to raise the red flags, you have to keep everyone aware of the problems that can harm a project. But it can be done with humor and good spirits! Everyone knows when I start a sentence with, "Here, let me complicate things a little bit," that there is going to be a lecture on everything that can go horribly wrong with a project...but I try to keep that lighthearted, and I offer a few options, so that everyone knows I trust them to get the thing fixed.
I'm not a big fan of the overly positive thing, as it makes communication stilted and weird, but I don't think you have to change your personality--maybe just your audience and slight bits of your presentation--to make it work.
posted by mittens at 6:58 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have worked in a similar environment in the past. Some suggestions:
1) Only raise the important points where you will have actual traction. If client needs the project in two days, that may not be negotiable. The size of your team may be. Focus on the problems that are (a) potentially devastating, or (b) solvable. Whenever possible, don't raise a problem without suggesting a solution.
2) Talk about your objections as "challenges" to be "solved", not "fucking bullshit from Client, how fucking stupid do they think we are?" Everyone who needs to read between the lines of "challenge" will do so, and Management hear you being positive.
3) When talking to your team, try to focus more on "I know this is hard, but Client wouldn't ask this of us if they didn't know we could deliver! I am super-proud of everyone for getting this done." I know that sounds fake to you right now. I have coworkers who can deliver this and not have it sound fake. Work on it. If you are truly proud of your team for rising to these challenges, let that show.
4) Who is managing your clients, that they keep being stupid for so long? It sounds like your client leads need (NEED) to do a better job of managing those relationships. Sure, you'll have a few clients who drive you nuts, but if your experience is truly that 100% of your clients are insane, that sounds like more of a client lead issue than a client issue. See if there is anything that can be done. (Calling clients to see if they have upcoming work. Better design of the work in advance, so changes aren't needed. Sending sample work product before full roll-out. Whatever works in your field.)
5) It sounds like you may be having trouble managing stress, and that may be coming out as negativity. Try taking a step back -- taking a deep breath -- leaving the office for a ten minute walk in the sunshine. Squeezing a little hand-exerciser. Whatever works for you to get you perspective on the fact that this is a job, not (I assume) life and death.
6) It's difficult to tell (from your question) if you are being asked to do difficult but achievable things, or if you are in a sick system. If it's the second one, start looking at moving on.
posted by pie ninja at 7:04 AM on October 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
1) Only raise the important points where you will have actual traction. If client needs the project in two days, that may not be negotiable. The size of your team may be. Focus on the problems that are (a) potentially devastating, or (b) solvable. Whenever possible, don't raise a problem without suggesting a solution.
2) Talk about your objections as "challenges" to be "solved", not "fucking bullshit from Client, how fucking stupid do they think we are?" Everyone who needs to read between the lines of "challenge" will do so, and Management hear you being positive.
3) When talking to your team, try to focus more on "I know this is hard, but Client wouldn't ask this of us if they didn't know we could deliver! I am super-proud of everyone for getting this done." I know that sounds fake to you right now. I have coworkers who can deliver this and not have it sound fake. Work on it. If you are truly proud of your team for rising to these challenges, let that show.
4) Who is managing your clients, that they keep being stupid for so long? It sounds like your client leads need (NEED) to do a better job of managing those relationships. Sure, you'll have a few clients who drive you nuts, but if your experience is truly that 100% of your clients are insane, that sounds like more of a client lead issue than a client issue. See if there is anything that can be done. (Calling clients to see if they have upcoming work. Better design of the work in advance, so changes aren't needed. Sending sample work product before full roll-out. Whatever works in your field.)
5) It sounds like you may be having trouble managing stress, and that may be coming out as negativity. Try taking a step back -- taking a deep breath -- leaving the office for a ten minute walk in the sunshine. Squeezing a little hand-exerciser. Whatever works for you to get you perspective on the fact that this is a job, not (I assume) life and death.
6) It's difficult to tell (from your question) if you are being asked to do difficult but achievable things, or if you are in a sick system. If it's the second one, start looking at moving on.
posted by pie ninja at 7:04 AM on October 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
"always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble."
How about rephrasing this? You start off the process by looking for the areas or issues that have potential for a bottleneck or slow-down, and you offer concrete solutions so that your team can nimbly avoid trouble.
I used to be the --I thought--voice of reason and caution, but I was really just complaining before anything got started. Ever watch Call the Midwife? Chummy, with her chipper " bit of a sticky wicket'" positivity became my role model.
Push through, keep breathing, have a cuppa, pip-pip.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:05 AM on October 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
How about rephrasing this? You start off the process by looking for the areas or issues that have potential for a bottleneck or slow-down, and you offer concrete solutions so that your team can nimbly avoid trouble.
I used to be the --I thought--voice of reason and caution, but I was really just complaining before anything got started. Ever watch Call the Midwife? Chummy, with her chipper " bit of a sticky wicket'" positivity became my role model.
Push through, keep breathing, have a cuppa, pip-pip.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:05 AM on October 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
I can't bring myself to say, "Crazy project due in 3 days? We can do it!"
They aren't asking you to. They are just asking you not to be all "Well, this is going to be HELL! Everybody get ready for three days of misery!". You can be not-negative while still not being insincere (which I think is your problem with all of this). For example, you could say "Well, the timeline is pretty intense but not impossible. Lets just work our hardest and do our best to get it done. Maybe I can get management to spring for some food/afternoon off/reward of some type if we get it out on time!" If you are the team leader than part of your job is likely to MOTIVATE. Your pessimism is not only unprofessional (sorry, but it is), it also isn't motivating your team. It is doing the dead opposite. You should spend some time thinking about that. And it really is creating a negative work culture and attitude within your team.
For example, when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be), I tend to be a bit vocal about it internally with my team.
This is extremely unprofessional and is almost definitely a big part of what management is taking issue with. Dude, seriously? You're the team lead, you of all people needs to not be doing that. If your team sees/hears you doing that then they are going to think it is okay behaviour so then THEY are going to bitch about the clients as well. That negative attitude towards your clients is almost definitely having an effect on how people approach the projects, how people interract with clients, etc. What motivation does your team have to do a good job if they are being told by their team leader that their clients are a bunch of idiots and schmucks? If I was being told that by MY supervisor I would hear that as permission to do a half assed job. If you don't respect your clients then who the eff cares what sort of end result they get! Seriously, you can not be an effective leader if you are openly and vocally trashing your clients.
You really need to think about how your attitude is having an effect on:
1. the quality of work produced by your team
2. how your team is approaching the projects
3. the pride your team is taking in their work
4. the work environment your team is working within
5. the respect your team has for you
6. your future career (because, again, the behaviours you are describing are very unprofessional and your higher ups are seeing it and aren't happy about it)
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:18 AM on October 2, 2013 [9 favorites]
They aren't asking you to. They are just asking you not to be all "Well, this is going to be HELL! Everybody get ready for three days of misery!". You can be not-negative while still not being insincere (which I think is your problem with all of this). For example, you could say "Well, the timeline is pretty intense but not impossible. Lets just work our hardest and do our best to get it done. Maybe I can get management to spring for some food/afternoon off/reward of some type if we get it out on time!" If you are the team leader than part of your job is likely to MOTIVATE. Your pessimism is not only unprofessional (sorry, but it is), it also isn't motivating your team. It is doing the dead opposite. You should spend some time thinking about that. And it really is creating a negative work culture and attitude within your team.
For example, when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be), I tend to be a bit vocal about it internally with my team.
This is extremely unprofessional and is almost definitely a big part of what management is taking issue with. Dude, seriously? You're the team lead, you of all people needs to not be doing that. If your team sees/hears you doing that then they are going to think it is okay behaviour so then THEY are going to bitch about the clients as well. That negative attitude towards your clients is almost definitely having an effect on how people approach the projects, how people interract with clients, etc. What motivation does your team have to do a good job if they are being told by their team leader that their clients are a bunch of idiots and schmucks? If I was being told that by MY supervisor I would hear that as permission to do a half assed job. If you don't respect your clients then who the eff cares what sort of end result they get! Seriously, you can not be an effective leader if you are openly and vocally trashing your clients.
You really need to think about how your attitude is having an effect on:
1. the quality of work produced by your team
2. how your team is approaching the projects
3. the pride your team is taking in their work
4. the work environment your team is working within
5. the respect your team has for you
6. your future career (because, again, the behaviours you are describing are very unprofessional and your higher ups are seeing it and aren't happy about it)
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:18 AM on October 2, 2013 [9 favorites]
All of the above advice is very good but there is one other thing to consider: Recently we received an announcement from upper management that said that everyone needs to be more positive and that negativity isn't going to really be tolerated.
Perhaps this announcement came because someone on your team complained to upper management about your negativity. I would take this as a big warning sign.
posted by FreezBoy at 7:31 AM on October 2, 2013 [15 favorites]
Perhaps this announcement came because someone on your team complained to upper management about your negativity. I would take this as a big warning sign.
posted by FreezBoy at 7:31 AM on October 2, 2013 [15 favorites]
when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be)
Yeah, I was on your side until this. The only reason you all have jobs is because you know how to do things that the client doesn't understand how to do. They're not stupid, they're ignorant. And that's a good thing.*
When you feed your team attitudes like "the client is stupid" you're helping to create an adversarial relationship with the client, which is a pretty good way to lose clients. Your team may respond well to it in the short term, but in the long term it's really demoralizing to work in that sort of environment.
A huge part of your job as a manager or team lead is insulating your team from the inevitable bullshit; it sounds like you're magnifying it instead. By all means continue to be critical of RFPs and protective of the schedule -- but your pushback on that should be going up to management, not down to your team.
You seem to see this as a polarized choice between continuing as you are, or going to the other extreme and being a gung-ho cheerleader, but it's not like those are the only options. Don't try to be Fakey Chipper-McHappyson, that won't work. Just stop being a drag.
* If it helps, try imagining the client as an enormous toddler. You wouldn't call a toddler stupid, right? Sure, he's blundering around knocking over his blocks tower and bursting into tears because gravity works -- but that's not because he's stupid, it's because he doesn't know any better! Also this toddler will pay you lots and lots of money to help him build his blocks tower and okay the metaphor has broken down but you get what I mean
posted by ook at 7:48 AM on October 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I was on your side until this. The only reason you all have jobs is because you know how to do things that the client doesn't understand how to do. They're not stupid, they're ignorant. And that's a good thing.*
When you feed your team attitudes like "the client is stupid" you're helping to create an adversarial relationship with the client, which is a pretty good way to lose clients. Your team may respond well to it in the short term, but in the long term it's really demoralizing to work in that sort of environment.
A huge part of your job as a manager or team lead is insulating your team from the inevitable bullshit; it sounds like you're magnifying it instead. By all means continue to be critical of RFPs and protective of the schedule -- but your pushback on that should be going up to management, not down to your team.
You seem to see this as a polarized choice between continuing as you are, or going to the other extreme and being a gung-ho cheerleader, but it's not like those are the only options. Don't try to be Fakey Chipper-McHappyson, that won't work. Just stop being a drag.
* If it helps, try imagining the client as an enormous toddler. You wouldn't call a toddler stupid, right? Sure, he's blundering around knocking over his blocks tower and bursting into tears because gravity works -- but that's not because he's stupid, it's because he doesn't know any better! Also this toddler will pay you lots and lots of money to help him build his blocks tower and okay the metaphor has broken down but you get what I mean
posted by ook at 7:48 AM on October 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Just to full answer your question - you are never going to convince management that your pessimism and negativity is somehow helpful or good, and I hope you are seeing why YOU shouldn't be gunning for that option. To answer your question for how to be less negative, you need to see it as hugely important and not an option. You don't have a choice of whether or not you can. You just have to. Fake it. Create a work persona if you have to (I had to for other reasons) and make that work persona be more professional. Make a list of common situations where you would be outwardly pessimistic and negative. Come up with alternative ways of viewing the situation and have some scripts/lines at the ready to use. You say you always identify and prepare for all the reg flags in advance. Approach this issue the same way. Identify the times when you are going to have trouble with this and come up with ways around it NOW.
Stop self defining as pessimistic and jaded, you aren't doing yourself any favours. Honestly, you'd be well served to adopt a less pessimistic attitude in all areas of your life I'd bet, and it would be a lot easier for you to make the change in your work life if you are making the same change in your personal life. If you have to bring it up in a therapy session and make that issue a priority.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:02 AM on October 2, 2013
Stop self defining as pessimistic and jaded, you aren't doing yourself any favours. Honestly, you'd be well served to adopt a less pessimistic attitude in all areas of your life I'd bet, and it would be a lot easier for you to make the change in your work life if you are making the same change in your personal life. If you have to bring it up in a therapy session and make that issue a priority.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:02 AM on October 2, 2013
So I've written a bit previously on how to rephrase things, here and here, although the second one is only sort of tangentially related.
You don't have to become pep!pep! RAH RAH RAH. You don't. You do need to rephrase things, and it's going to feel awkward at first, but you can do it. I completely understand this:
When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble.
This is recognized as a necessary team dynamic in some change management schools of thought. However, for members of your team who don't work this way (and their way is valid and adds value to the team as well!), it's really depressing. Really, really depressing. Because all one hears is, "pain, pain, pain, sad, pain, sad, sad, 12 hours days, pain." There's a way to do this that isn't viewed as negative. You've gotten some good scripts above, but if you need specific translations for things you typically see, please feel free to memail me. I can give you non-negative translations you can use and adhere to the management request.
Here's another thing: my current boss is very forthright, blunt, generally pessamistic, and also happens to be a misanthrope. He's also a senior team lead in a major, global corporation, and is well-liked by senior management. He doesn't fake who he is, but also manages to remain mostly positive. How?
"Look guys. I know this is a short turnaround. I'm not super thrilled about it either, but I KNOW this team can deliver. I've talked with (his senior manager), and Senior Manager understands our concerns. However, the date can't budge. What can we do to get this out?"
"Hey team. I know this has been a big pain point. I've talked with (CIO) and he wants us to put together some numbers on why this new process isn't working. Who can get me some metrics to take back to him?"
"Ok, I'm hearing that the current process in working with ThisOtherGroup has broken down suddenly, and we don't know why. Is there a volunteer who would like to take this on, and work with ThisOtherGroup to figure out what's going on?"
When discussing an internal client who is frankly crazy and demanding and completely batshit: "Look. They're not my favorite team to work with either, but they're not going anywhere and neither all we. What can we do to fix this? What can I do to help?"
The other thing is that he actively manages up, maybe even more than he manages down. When upper management drops some new crazy thing on us, he's very upfront with upper management: "That sounds like a great project, and I know who I'd love to have lead this. Our plate is overfull as it is. Can we discuss which projects can be tabled for now, while we work on NewProject? Or, can we get some more contractor resources?" Now - we're stretched, but upper management understands that we just can't take on more without either expanding the team or shelving some lower priority projects. If your upper management doesn't get that ("No! Do MORE with LESS!"), then you have a sick system on your hands, and that's a completely different issue.
posted by RogueTech at 8:04 AM on October 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
You don't have to become pep!pep! RAH RAH RAH. You don't. You do need to rephrase things, and it's going to feel awkward at first, but you can do it. I completely understand this:
When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble.
This is recognized as a necessary team dynamic in some change management schools of thought. However, for members of your team who don't work this way (and their way is valid and adds value to the team as well!), it's really depressing. Really, really depressing. Because all one hears is, "pain, pain, pain, sad, pain, sad, sad, 12 hours days, pain." There's a way to do this that isn't viewed as negative. You've gotten some good scripts above, but if you need specific translations for things you typically see, please feel free to memail me. I can give you non-negative translations you can use and adhere to the management request.
Here's another thing: my current boss is very forthright, blunt, generally pessamistic, and also happens to be a misanthrope. He's also a senior team lead in a major, global corporation, and is well-liked by senior management. He doesn't fake who he is, but also manages to remain mostly positive. How?
"Look guys. I know this is a short turnaround. I'm not super thrilled about it either, but I KNOW this team can deliver. I've talked with (his senior manager), and Senior Manager understands our concerns. However, the date can't budge. What can we do to get this out?"
"Hey team. I know this has been a big pain point. I've talked with (CIO) and he wants us to put together some numbers on why this new process isn't working. Who can get me some metrics to take back to him?"
"Ok, I'm hearing that the current process in working with ThisOtherGroup has broken down suddenly, and we don't know why. Is there a volunteer who would like to take this on, and work with ThisOtherGroup to figure out what's going on?"
When discussing an internal client who is frankly crazy and demanding and completely batshit: "Look. They're not my favorite team to work with either, but they're not going anywhere and neither all we. What can we do to fix this? What can I do to help?"
The other thing is that he actively manages up, maybe even more than he manages down. When upper management drops some new crazy thing on us, he's very upfront with upper management: "That sounds like a great project, and I know who I'd love to have lead this. Our plate is overfull as it is. Can we discuss which projects can be tabled for now, while we work on NewProject? Or, can we get some more contractor resources?" Now - we're stretched, but upper management understands that we just can't take on more without either expanding the team or shelving some lower priority projects. If your upper management doesn't get that ("No! Do MORE with LESS!"), then you have a sick system on your hands, and that's a completely different issue.
posted by RogueTech at 8:04 AM on October 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yeah, sorry, people don't view you as the clear-eyed voice of reason, they view you as the bad guy ruining all the fun. It took me forever to figure it out, too. Some of it is your presentation.
When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble.
This is what most people mean by negativity because you're finding ways it won't work. It doesn't mean you should stay silent, but it does mean you need to offer solutions rather than just raising red flags. Don't complain or bring something up as an issue without being able to offer potential solutions or compromises.
As for what to do, you got some good thoughts above. Me personally, I went freelance and do a bunch of work through an agency where they're good about managing our work and client load and being able to pick and choose my clients makes things much easier, plus everyone assumes I'm a money-driven mercenary anyway so there's no need to play happy happy nicey nicey with the workplace culture.
But something I often say in these threads is it doesn't matter if you're right. Doesn't matter if you can always see what's going wrong and call it out before it happens. It matters if they like you. You're better off buckling in as the happy bus goes over the cliff than fighting against it, because they'll probably drive over the cliff anyway, then blame you for being too negative about it.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:13 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
When we get an RFP or an estimate in, I always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags so that we don't end up getting ourselves in trouble.
This is what most people mean by negativity because you're finding ways it won't work. It doesn't mean you should stay silent, but it does mean you need to offer solutions rather than just raising red flags. Don't complain or bring something up as an issue without being able to offer potential solutions or compromises.
As for what to do, you got some good thoughts above. Me personally, I went freelance and do a bunch of work through an agency where they're good about managing our work and client load and being able to pick and choose my clients makes things much easier, plus everyone assumes I'm a money-driven mercenary anyway so there's no need to play happy happy nicey nicey with the workplace culture.
But something I often say in these threads is it doesn't matter if you're right. Doesn't matter if you can always see what's going wrong and call it out before it happens. It matters if they like you. You're better off buckling in as the happy bus goes over the cliff than fighting against it, because they'll probably drive over the cliff anyway, then blame you for being too negative about it.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:13 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Relentless, forced positivity creates a bad work environment, but knee-jerk negativity creates an even worse one. A lot of people who make a habit of aiming for healthy dissent and constructive criticism tend to overshoot; if you "always start by finding the pain points and raise red flags," you're probably coming across as too harsh and cynical. Changing your attitude doesn't have to be tantamount to papering your cube with Successories posters and doing the Walmart squiggly cheer every morning; there's a good bit of middle ground.
Practice hearing people out; if something really is a concern, wait a little bit and bring it up later. Start proposing solutions and alternatives instead of presenting problems: instead of "Three days?! That's ridiculous!" present it as "Similar projects have taken five to eight days in the past, so I suggest a similar timeframe so we can manage the client's expectations and deliver a quality product etc." And stop viewing your clients as enemies or subhuman; stupid and horrible clients do happen, but if you can't work with clients without resentment, you need to find a different set of clients or a job that puts you far far away from them.
I don't know how to just turn off my pessimism and jadedness - it's a part of me and always has been.
You can't turn it off instantly, but you can teach yourself to curb your cynicism. It's as much a part of you as your hair: you can't remove it forever, but you can style it as you wish. I'm far less cynical than I was ten years ago; it took some practice for me to consciously recognize when I was being needlessly negative and to attempt to cultivate positive thoughts instead. It also took some uncomfortably honest looking at myself: negativity can be a defense mechanism. For me it was a weird form of oneupsmanship (I don't have to be better than anything if I hate everything!) and an attempt to preempt failure by anticipating it.
It's not completely clear from your question whether the negativity is endemic in your workplace, or if you're the one bringing it. If it's everywhere, it'll be hard to recover no matter how hard management pushes, and you might want to consider switching jobs. If it's mostly you, you're going to need to work on reining it in no matter where you work.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:21 AM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Practice hearing people out; if something really is a concern, wait a little bit and bring it up later. Start proposing solutions and alternatives instead of presenting problems: instead of "Three days?! That's ridiculous!" present it as "Similar projects have taken five to eight days in the past, so I suggest a similar timeframe so we can manage the client's expectations and deliver a quality product etc." And stop viewing your clients as enemies or subhuman; stupid and horrible clients do happen, but if you can't work with clients without resentment, you need to find a different set of clients or a job that puts you far far away from them.
I don't know how to just turn off my pessimism and jadedness - it's a part of me and always has been.
You can't turn it off instantly, but you can teach yourself to curb your cynicism. It's as much a part of you as your hair: you can't remove it forever, but you can style it as you wish. I'm far less cynical than I was ten years ago; it took some practice for me to consciously recognize when I was being needlessly negative and to attempt to cultivate positive thoughts instead. It also took some uncomfortably honest looking at myself: negativity can be a defense mechanism. For me it was a weird form of oneupsmanship (I don't have to be better than anything if I hate everything!) and an attempt to preempt failure by anticipating it.
It's not completely clear from your question whether the negativity is endemic in your workplace, or if you're the one bringing it. If it's everywhere, it'll be hard to recover no matter how hard management pushes, and you might want to consider switching jobs. If it's mostly you, you're going to need to work on reining it in no matter where you work.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:21 AM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Speaking as someone who deals with "stupid" clients frequently, I find that the majority of their stupidity stems from ignorance of how we work.
It's not necessarily that they don't know their respective fields (although they may not know how to do the thing they're paying us for), but rather they are not aware of the details which are required by the thing(s) they're asking me to do.
When frustrated by a client's seeming ignorance and mired down in some pointless back and forth where I feel like I've been saying the same thing over and over, I often find it helpful to ask them: "What can I do to make your decision making process/job/project direction easier for you? What do you need from me to allow me to help you better?"
This usually has the benefit of: a) clearing up unspoken misunderstandings and/or assumptions (whether it's on my part or theirs) b) sometimes helping them to realize in a face-saving way that they have no idea what they're talking about or c) helping to solidify what exactly needs to be done now and what they expect from me.
I also have long stopped playing the "blame game," and digging through email folders for evidence of exactly where I received misdirection or wrong information (unless it involves money, charge backs, or the reputation of the business, of course), but rather just gently direct the communications back on track to what can be done now about the problem at hand.
I also can be a negative, judgmental person, and while I know that most of my fits are brief, harmless (and childish) tantrums, and really mean nothing more to me than a way to blow off some steam, not everyone else does.
There are deprecating things I have said about clients which have caused people to pay less attention to their work when they deal with this client "because they're assholes anyway" as I give off the vibe when I do this that the company really doesn't need them.
It's something I struggle with to this day, and while I have learned to keep my mouth shut (for the most part) and vent to my wife or friends later, from time to time I still have my moments, which I can usually combat by composing a nasty e-mail to the client (leave the To: field blank!!!) and then slowly rewording it as if I was going to actually send it. If I can't say it to the client's face, there's no reason I should be saying it to my team, otherwise it's just shit-talking.
posted by Debaser626 at 8:24 AM on October 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's not necessarily that they don't know their respective fields (although they may not know how to do the thing they're paying us for), but rather they are not aware of the details which are required by the thing(s) they're asking me to do.
When frustrated by a client's seeming ignorance and mired down in some pointless back and forth where I feel like I've been saying the same thing over and over, I often find it helpful to ask them: "What can I do to make your decision making process/job/project direction easier for you? What do you need from me to allow me to help you better?"
This usually has the benefit of: a) clearing up unspoken misunderstandings and/or assumptions (whether it's on my part or theirs) b) sometimes helping them to realize in a face-saving way that they have no idea what they're talking about or c) helping to solidify what exactly needs to be done now and what they expect from me.
I also have long stopped playing the "blame game," and digging through email folders for evidence of exactly where I received misdirection or wrong information (unless it involves money, charge backs, or the reputation of the business, of course), but rather just gently direct the communications back on track to what can be done now about the problem at hand.
I also can be a negative, judgmental person, and while I know that most of my fits are brief, harmless (and childish) tantrums, and really mean nothing more to me than a way to blow off some steam, not everyone else does.
There are deprecating things I have said about clients which have caused people to pay less attention to their work when they deal with this client "because they're assholes anyway" as I give off the vibe when I do this that the company really doesn't need them.
It's something I struggle with to this day, and while I have learned to keep my mouth shut (for the most part) and vent to my wife or friends later, from time to time I still have my moments, which I can usually combat by composing a nasty e-mail to the client (leave the To: field blank!!!) and then slowly rewording it as if I was going to actually send it. If I can't say it to the client's face, there's no reason I should be saying it to my team, otherwise it's just shit-talking.
posted by Debaser626 at 8:24 AM on October 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think you may be confusing negativity and disagreement. It's very possible -- and really, essential -- for people to disagree in productive ways, because diversity of opinions actually improves the end product. So yes, healthy dissent is constructive, but "your brand" of it may not be.
Taking your example of "crazy project due on three days," try framing a constructive response. The conclusion you may have reached is "uh uh, no way," but if you say that out of the gate, it will sound negative and defeatist. What you need to show the team is the steps in your thinking that got you there, and present those as problems in need of solutions. "I think we lack resources X, Y, and Z to make that happen. Let's think about this as a team and see what we can do to work through those."
Part of this process involves valuing other people's opinions and realizing they have information and ideas that you don't. When you're tempted to say "no" to something, you need to verify with the team that you haven't missed out on some piece of information or insight that could turn it into a yes.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 8:46 AM on October 2, 2013
Taking your example of "crazy project due on three days," try framing a constructive response. The conclusion you may have reached is "uh uh, no way," but if you say that out of the gate, it will sound negative and defeatist. What you need to show the team is the steps in your thinking that got you there, and present those as problems in need of solutions. "I think we lack resources X, Y, and Z to make that happen. Let's think about this as a team and see what we can do to work through those."
Part of this process involves valuing other people's opinions and realizing they have information and ideas that you don't. When you're tempted to say "no" to something, you need to verify with the team that you haven't missed out on some piece of information or insight that could turn it into a yes.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 8:46 AM on October 2, 2013
Perhaps this announcement came because someone on your team complained to upper management about your negativity. I would take this as a big warning sign.
I think FreezBoy has it.
Listen. You're the team lead. A big part of your role is to lead with confidence, calmness, and equanimity. If you are rolling your eyes about "stupid" clients or doom-and-glooming about "pain points", you are probably sucking oxygen out of your workgroup. It's exhausting working under someone with that attitude.
Jadedness is a form of willful ignorance -- you are saying that you've seen it all, you know it all, and you know how it all will end. You might want to rethink if this is a characteristic you want to be so attached to in yourself.
And no, management is NOT ever going to think your way is the right way. They've made that clear with the memo.
posted by nacho fries at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think FreezBoy has it.
Listen. You're the team lead. A big part of your role is to lead with confidence, calmness, and equanimity. If you are rolling your eyes about "stupid" clients or doom-and-glooming about "pain points", you are probably sucking oxygen out of your workgroup. It's exhausting working under someone with that attitude.
Jadedness is a form of willful ignorance -- you are saying that you've seen it all, you know it all, and you know how it all will end. You might want to rethink if this is a characteristic you want to be so attached to in yourself.
And no, management is NOT ever going to think your way is the right way. They've made that clear with the memo.
posted by nacho fries at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
I was in a similar position. It took me a long and painful time to learn that management did not want to hear about even preventable obstacles, whether they were presented with solutions or not. The culture was to enthusiastically barrel ahead, correct problems as they arose, and see failures as "lessons learned." So yes, this is a thing. I found it intolerable.
posted by Wordwoman at 8:52 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Wordwoman at 8:52 AM on October 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I too have struggled with the type of mannerisms that you are describing here. When I run in to this I try to remember a few things:
-Have a solution-orientation. If you can phrase your misgivings in the form of solutions and not problems, it sounds more positive. You become the person with the answer key, not the homework. Often it is the same damn information. Having a solution-orientation is a world view that helps me deal with all of my cynicism. If you cannot translate problems into solutions then (and I mean this in the most constructive possible way) you might want to re-think who is being "dumb".
-Don't be the wall; point to it. Instead of saying "that can't happen" or "that is impossible" you can say "that is going to be a challenge with our current level of resources". If there is an onerous demand, do not say it is onerous; rather explain what would need to happen in order for the demand to be met. You can point out tradeoffs for example. Point out that a certain deadline will cost additional resources or potentially compromise the high quality bar that you all collectively set for your organization. Perhaps the tradeoff is "right now the team is working on Project A for SuperBigCustomerWhoAccountsForMostOfOurRevenue; to make that deadline with SmallCustomerWeAreJustTryingOnForSize, Project A is going to be delayed for 3 days, is that OK?" Ask the question and let someone (or a group of someones) answer it. You are giving them information and solutions... not problems. You give them the options and let them choose what is right for the company. It is effectively the same except you are giving options.
-Remember, the client pays the bills. Without the client, you are jobless. Your job is to make them happy.
-If you are continually being put behind the eight ball with respect to deadline and project timeframes, request that you sit in on the meetings where the projects are specced. If the project spec has to happen without you (I take it you are on the execution side, there is probably an account management side that does this part) give them the most positive possible guidelines on how you might be more successful working together (remember, solutions, not problems). "Our projects have three main parts, one part is by far the most time-consuming. Projects with that part will take longer, projects without that part can be turned around much faster."
-Share successes from the account back with the team. If all they do is grind, that sucks. Ask the account manager how it went. You get feedback if there are things that you did great, share it with the team. You may even learn that there are steps you take that are no longer important to your clients.
-A trick I learned from a colleague (who rocked, by the way). Instead of saying "no, that can't happen" just talk through the problem out loud. His favorite phrases for the situations you describe were "I think that is going to be a challenge..." and "Here is what I struggle with..." those phrases invite people in together to talk about the issues at hand in a welcoming way. He was REALLY good at building consensus and making everyone in the room believe that they had collectively settled on the right solution.
-Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends and Influence People. My first boss was like "look man, you are brilliant, but a pain in the ass to work with. If you can be easier to work with, there is no ceiling on what you are capable of... read this book."
Good luck!
posted by milqman at 9:01 AM on October 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
-Have a solution-orientation. If you can phrase your misgivings in the form of solutions and not problems, it sounds more positive. You become the person with the answer key, not the homework. Often it is the same damn information. Having a solution-orientation is a world view that helps me deal with all of my cynicism. If you cannot translate problems into solutions then (and I mean this in the most constructive possible way) you might want to re-think who is being "dumb".
-Don't be the wall; point to it. Instead of saying "that can't happen" or "that is impossible" you can say "that is going to be a challenge with our current level of resources". If there is an onerous demand, do not say it is onerous; rather explain what would need to happen in order for the demand to be met. You can point out tradeoffs for example. Point out that a certain deadline will cost additional resources or potentially compromise the high quality bar that you all collectively set for your organization. Perhaps the tradeoff is "right now the team is working on Project A for SuperBigCustomerWhoAccountsForMostOfOurRevenue; to make that deadline with SmallCustomerWeAreJustTryingOnForSize, Project A is going to be delayed for 3 days, is that OK?" Ask the question and let someone (or a group of someones) answer it. You are giving them information and solutions... not problems. You give them the options and let them choose what is right for the company. It is effectively the same except you are giving options.
-Remember, the client pays the bills. Without the client, you are jobless. Your job is to make them happy.
-If you are continually being put behind the eight ball with respect to deadline and project timeframes, request that you sit in on the meetings where the projects are specced. If the project spec has to happen without you (I take it you are on the execution side, there is probably an account management side that does this part) give them the most positive possible guidelines on how you might be more successful working together (remember, solutions, not problems). "Our projects have three main parts, one part is by far the most time-consuming. Projects with that part will take longer, projects without that part can be turned around much faster."
-Share successes from the account back with the team. If all they do is grind, that sucks. Ask the account manager how it went. You get feedback if there are things that you did great, share it with the team. You may even learn that there are steps you take that are no longer important to your clients.
-A trick I learned from a colleague (who rocked, by the way). Instead of saying "no, that can't happen" just talk through the problem out loud. His favorite phrases for the situations you describe were "I think that is going to be a challenge..." and "Here is what I struggle with..." those phrases invite people in together to talk about the issues at hand in a welcoming way. He was REALLY good at building consensus and making everyone in the room believe that they had collectively settled on the right solution.
-Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends and Influence People. My first boss was like "look man, you are brilliant, but a pain in the ass to work with. If you can be easier to work with, there is no ceiling on what you are capable of... read this book."
Good luck!
posted by milqman at 9:01 AM on October 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
As others have said, phrase your thoughts helpfully rather than negatively, and don't assume you know 1) everything 2) the other people's full thinking and intentions.
Then present your thoughts openly, seeking to understand your coworkers and clients, such as:
"This design will explode" --> "And what did you do to ensure exploding won't happen?"
"You completely forgot to X" --> "Have you considered X?"
"The client is an idiot" --> "I'm having a hard time understanding where the client is coming from."
When you find a missed area ("mistake"), no gloating or extra digging. Be diplomatic and polite. For eg., Person mumbles and tries to hide the fact that they didn't consider the design could explode. "No problem, get back to me on how you plan to ensure the exploding won't happen. Ok, next item to talk about is...."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:15 AM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then present your thoughts openly, seeking to understand your coworkers and clients, such as:
"This design will explode" --> "And what did you do to ensure exploding won't happen?"
"You completely forgot to X" --> "Have you considered X?"
"The client is an idiot" --> "I'm having a hard time understanding where the client is coming from."
When you find a missed area ("mistake"), no gloating or extra digging. Be diplomatic and polite. For eg., Person mumbles and tries to hide the fact that they didn't consider the design could explode. "No problem, get back to me on how you plan to ensure the exploding won't happen. Ok, next item to talk about is...."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:15 AM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Gossip (about clients and workplace stuff) often turns negative, and can lead to more negative attitudes in a surprisingly short periods of time. My team has historically been through highs and lows, and managing employee discussions during the lows is really important for how people approach work and how management perceives you.
Regular, frequent meetings, either group or one on one are a great tool. Gossip is largely guess and speculation. Limit that ("We don't know that. Let's not assume."), but equally be as open and clear about what's happening as you can be. In addition, I try to be honest about the limits of what I can say, and what I don't know. More good information, in my experience, will build respect for you as a straight dealer.
Pessimism, as you put it, need not be a negative. Use it to trouble shoot. When someone gives you a plan, do go through it and raise issues. Train yourself to do it not reactively ("That's a terrible idea! That will never work!"), but collegialy ("Have you considered X? If Y happens, what then?"). To balance the negative, have solutions ready ("If Y happens, we could do Z instead"). That makes you seem like a problem solver, not part of the problem.
However, when a decision is made, respect it as best you can. Holding back will make you appear negative. The way to address your concerns is to make sure your contingencies are ready, if you feel that wise. If this doesn't work for you---you don't trust management's decisions, for example, that's when you need to polish the resume.
posted by bonehead at 9:42 AM on October 2, 2013
Regular, frequent meetings, either group or one on one are a great tool. Gossip is largely guess and speculation. Limit that ("We don't know that. Let's not assume."), but equally be as open and clear about what's happening as you can be. In addition, I try to be honest about the limits of what I can say, and what I don't know. More good information, in my experience, will build respect for you as a straight dealer.
Pessimism, as you put it, need not be a negative. Use it to trouble shoot. When someone gives you a plan, do go through it and raise issues. Train yourself to do it not reactively ("That's a terrible idea! That will never work!"), but collegialy ("Have you considered X? If Y happens, what then?"). To balance the negative, have solutions ready ("If Y happens, we could do Z instead"). That makes you seem like a problem solver, not part of the problem.
However, when a decision is made, respect it as best you can. Holding back will make you appear negative. The way to address your concerns is to make sure your contingencies are ready, if you feel that wise. If this doesn't work for you---you don't trust management's decisions, for example, that's when you need to polish the resume.
posted by bonehead at 9:42 AM on October 2, 2013
When I first started working in client service someone told me how they approached essentially all projects, problems, situations, etc. with clients (and management): they framed their response as "Yes, and..."
You can almost always say "Yes" to any request as long as you follow it up with "...and here is what it will take."
First, you set up every situation in a positive, non-confrontational light. Then you can lay out the parameters, requirements, pain points, etc.
Super easy to remember. Super easy to do. It's all in the perspective and framing.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:09 AM on October 2, 2013
You can almost always say "Yes" to any request as long as you follow it up with "...and here is what it will take."
First, you set up every situation in a positive, non-confrontational light. Then you can lay out the parameters, requirements, pain points, etc.
Super easy to remember. Super easy to do. It's all in the perspective and framing.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:09 AM on October 2, 2013
For example, when our clients are being stupid (as all clients tend to be), I tend to be a bit vocal about it internally with my team.
Never, ever do this. There's an old maxim in the Army that you complain up, only, ever. And when the CO has said, "I hear your issues with this plan, and we're doing it anyway," then you go to your team and say, "This is the plan" (not "This is the higher-ups' plan"). Let them complain, and say, "I hear your issues with this plan, and we're doing it anyway."
I've also come to think of my personal approach to problems as "Why" vs. "How":
"Why did things get this shitty?" is not helpful, because it's just looking for someone to blame.
"How did things get this shitty?" can be helpful, because I'm looking for the actual problems, and identifying the problems is the first step in solving them.
That simple shift from "Why" to "How" has saved me a lot of internal processing time.
posted by Etrigan at 10:38 AM on October 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
Never, ever do this. There's an old maxim in the Army that you complain up, only, ever. And when the CO has said, "I hear your issues with this plan, and we're doing it anyway," then you go to your team and say, "This is the plan" (not "This is the higher-ups' plan"). Let them complain, and say, "I hear your issues with this plan, and we're doing it anyway."
I've also come to think of my personal approach to problems as "Why" vs. "How":
"Why did things get this shitty?" is not helpful, because it's just looking for someone to blame.
"How did things get this shitty?" can be helpful, because I'm looking for the actual problems, and identifying the problems is the first step in solving them.
That simple shift from "Why" to "How" has saved me a lot of internal processing time.
posted by Etrigan at 10:38 AM on October 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
I am like you. I don't think you're gonna be able to poop sunshine and rainbows, but keeping your mouth SHUT and staying as neutral as possible (if not Perky! and Optimistic!) is probably where you need to start. Don't make any public judgments or estimates, just literally stay as bland, quiet, and neutral as you can manage. If they say 3 days, then just literally say they gave us 3 days, not "this is impossible and ridiculous." Bite your tongue, even. And you can never grumble about stupid clients to your team again, even if you're right. Your team may appreciate it, but ...probably not, really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:13 PM on October 2, 2013
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:13 PM on October 2, 2013
The client prolly thinks your company is stupid too. And prolly your supplier thinks your company is stupid and unreasonable. And their other clients think they're stupid. Everyone is stupid. Vocalizing it is cathartic but pointless and kinda poisonous if it gets out of hand.
posted by ian1977 at 1:19 PM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ian1977 at 1:19 PM on October 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
i think the biggest thing is just keeping those negative thoughts to yourself. think them all you want but just don't say them to anyone you work with whether during or after work. as a team leader it really is unprofessional to be so negative. you are setting an example as a leader and you really need to do better as negativity can create quite a toxic environment. i also think it would be good to rethink the "all clients are stupid" thing. this is really a reflection on your thinking and not your clients at all and it is probably bad for business. if you are just really unhappy with your job then maybe looking for a new job would help in the long term.
posted by wildflower at 5:56 PM on October 2, 2013
posted by wildflower at 5:56 PM on October 2, 2013
: " If the answer is the first one - that I should try to fill management's expectations - how do I do that? How do I stop myself from being negative?"
Consider the following thinking out loud more than tested advice; I'm a fundamentally negative person who's considering how to change that just a bit. The first thing to realize is that you cannot flip a switch and become someone else overnight. But we might be able to shift the heading a bit, or at least alter your public perception. Soften the edges, if you will.
The obvious thing to do when you want to get better at something is practice. So, practice being positive over the course of a day. One possible way to practice this is making it a game. Borrowing a technique I've heard applied elsewhere, find some clay poker chips -- they're quiet but carry some heft. You start the day putting chips in the atypical pocket, usually your left pocket (where you don't normally put keys or spare change). Every time you demonstrate positive behavior, you shift a chip from one pocket to the normal pocket. The goal is to end every day with chips cleared. If you can do that for a week, add another chip. If you get to four or five chips a day, add the additional constraint that public negative behavior requires you flip all the chips back.
The point of this is that the awkward chip placement brings to your conscious forefront a reminder to look for ways to do something positive. But what does positive behavior mean? Agreeing with people (the "yes, and" technique mentioned above, which comes from improv). Scouring reddit / slashdot / WSJ / blogs / RSS feeds / relevant-publication-here for interesting articles to endorse or share with coworkers. Celebrate important project milestones and give credit where it's due, etc. Ideally the person telling you to 'be positive' would use observable behaviors (criticize, insult, whatever) rather than subjective opinions of personality, but such is the life of small organizations.
posted by pwnguin at 11:34 PM on October 2, 2013
Consider the following thinking out loud more than tested advice; I'm a fundamentally negative person who's considering how to change that just a bit. The first thing to realize is that you cannot flip a switch and become someone else overnight. But we might be able to shift the heading a bit, or at least alter your public perception. Soften the edges, if you will.
The obvious thing to do when you want to get better at something is practice. So, practice being positive over the course of a day. One possible way to practice this is making it a game. Borrowing a technique I've heard applied elsewhere, find some clay poker chips -- they're quiet but carry some heft. You start the day putting chips in the atypical pocket, usually your left pocket (where you don't normally put keys or spare change). Every time you demonstrate positive behavior, you shift a chip from one pocket to the normal pocket. The goal is to end every day with chips cleared. If you can do that for a week, add another chip. If you get to four or five chips a day, add the additional constraint that public negative behavior requires you flip all the chips back.
The point of this is that the awkward chip placement brings to your conscious forefront a reminder to look for ways to do something positive. But what does positive behavior mean? Agreeing with people (the "yes, and" technique mentioned above, which comes from improv). Scouring reddit / slashdot / WSJ / blogs / RSS feeds / relevant-publication-here for interesting articles to endorse or share with coworkers. Celebrate important project milestones and give credit where it's due, etc. Ideally the person telling you to 'be positive' would use observable behaviors (criticize, insult, whatever) rather than subjective opinions of personality, but such is the life of small organizations.
posted by pwnguin at 11:34 PM on October 2, 2013
Hey, this is my major "challenge" at work, too. Things that have helped:
- Acting as though everyone has good intentions...most people actually do. The belief that "all clients are stupid" is simply poisonous - my clients aren't stupid, they just don't know how to do my job, which is why I have a job. You have nothing to lose by treating people as though they mean well.
- Thinking of the desired end state not as "positive", which sounds too much like "perky", and more as "calm", which sounds more like "wise" and "reliable" and other genuinely positive things.
- Paying attention to other people at work who have trouble controlling their negative emotions, and observing how this affects their teams. It's difficult to work with someone volatile, and even harder to work for someone volatile. Leading a team of 50, there are almost certainly people who don't care for your venting but aren't comfortable expressing it.
- Not having actually lost my cynicism...Keeping my resume up to date helps, and keeping my eyes open for other jobs. I get more bitter about work when it feels like I'm trapped there forever.
posted by orangejenny at 7:41 PM on October 3, 2013
- Acting as though everyone has good intentions...most people actually do. The belief that "all clients are stupid" is simply poisonous - my clients aren't stupid, they just don't know how to do my job, which is why I have a job. You have nothing to lose by treating people as though they mean well.
- Thinking of the desired end state not as "positive", which sounds too much like "perky", and more as "calm", which sounds more like "wise" and "reliable" and other genuinely positive things.
- Paying attention to other people at work who have trouble controlling their negative emotions, and observing how this affects their teams. It's difficult to work with someone volatile, and even harder to work for someone volatile. Leading a team of 50, there are almost certainly people who don't care for your venting but aren't comfortable expressing it.
- Not having actually lost my cynicism...Keeping my resume up to date helps, and keeping my eyes open for other jobs. I get more bitter about work when it feels like I'm trapped there forever.
posted by orangejenny at 7:41 PM on October 3, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Why are you saying bad things about the clients? I mean, I know why you're saying bad things about the clients, but, like, stop it, ok? It's unprofessional. It's one of those things you just don't get to do at work. Sorry.
Take a coffee break midday or get some drinks after work with your coworkers. If you must bitch about the clients, bitch about the clients when you're not in the office.
Management doesn't see that pessimism=you don't go off the deep end. Management sees pessimism=really unprofessional, and client relationship-ruining if it ever got out. So management wants you to stop being so pessimistic. It makes sense.
When you feel like saying something cynical, shut your mouth. If you really need to get it out, write it down on a piece of paper and run the piece of paper through the shredder (I do this a LOT). It's pretty cathartic.
posted by phunniemee at 6:54 AM on October 2, 2013 [30 favorites]