Help me handle a tricky family situation.
September 29, 2013 5:24 AM Subscribe
My sister-in-law is doesn't hang out with my kids and my mother-in-law thinks it's my fault. How do I defuse the situation?
My sister-in-law isn't into kids. Which is fine; she's younger and more focused on her career and social life than being an involved aunt. (She once referred to my sick, upset toddler as "birth control" in jest.) Because of her demanding work schedule, she often breaks plans at the last minute, or arrives late when we invite her over. Consequently, she has never babysat them, and sees them 3-5 times a year even though we live within walking distance. Still, my children love it when she sees them, and often ask about her. And she really does love them and have good intentions; she's just over-extended. I've accepted all this, and am careful to set expectations by not telling them she's going to visit until she actually shows up.
Here's the problem: recently, my mother-in-law has been pressuring me to "let" SIL spend more time with the kids rather than spending money on babysitters. We have a newborn, so things are tough right now and I hired a part time nanny. Last night, we cancelled some weekend plans due to a combination of sick babies and exhausted parents, and MIL was very disappointed. She said that we should accept more help, and that SIL thinks that we don't trust SIL to babysit, and told us (gently) that we were being too overprotective and should relax a bit. (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my MIL is putting a ton of pressure on SIL to settle down and have kids). It got very uncomfortable, with MIL blaming us for keeping SIL from having a close relationship with our kids.
My husband is livid about this. He routinely helps her in big brother type ways, and is already miffed that she backed out of babysitting when our youngest was born. He's all set confront SIL guns blazing, and I'm afraid neither of us is in a good place to approach her in a productive manner.
Sorry if this is rambling; did I mention that my toddler and preschooler have decided to join the new baby in the super late night fun time club? I don't care if SIL doesn't babysit; I just want everyone to get along. My brain is mush, so please help me figure out what to say to my in-laws!
My sister-in-law isn't into kids. Which is fine; she's younger and more focused on her career and social life than being an involved aunt. (She once referred to my sick, upset toddler as "birth control" in jest.) Because of her demanding work schedule, she often breaks plans at the last minute, or arrives late when we invite her over. Consequently, she has never babysat them, and sees them 3-5 times a year even though we live within walking distance. Still, my children love it when she sees them, and often ask about her. And she really does love them and have good intentions; she's just over-extended. I've accepted all this, and am careful to set expectations by not telling them she's going to visit until she actually shows up.
Here's the problem: recently, my mother-in-law has been pressuring me to "let" SIL spend more time with the kids rather than spending money on babysitters. We have a newborn, so things are tough right now and I hired a part time nanny. Last night, we cancelled some weekend plans due to a combination of sick babies and exhausted parents, and MIL was very disappointed. She said that we should accept more help, and that SIL thinks that we don't trust SIL to babysit, and told us (gently) that we were being too overprotective and should relax a bit. (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my MIL is putting a ton of pressure on SIL to settle down and have kids). It got very uncomfortable, with MIL blaming us for keeping SIL from having a close relationship with our kids.
My husband is livid about this. He routinely helps her in big brother type ways, and is already miffed that she backed out of babysitting when our youngest was born. He's all set confront SIL guns blazing, and I'm afraid neither of us is in a good place to approach her in a productive manner.
Sorry if this is rambling; did I mention that my toddler and preschooler have decided to join the new baby in the super late night fun time club? I don't care if SIL doesn't babysit; I just want everyone to get along. My brain is mush, so please help me figure out what to say to my in-laws!
So, let me get this straight - MIL says SIL really really wants to babysit for you and save you money. She also says you're to blame for preventing SIL from having a close, intimate relationship with your kids.
To me I don't necessarily see anything to confront SIL on - I would bring it up in a one on one (e.g. Husband and SIL) chat as in "Boy, Mom is really upping the ante on some of the crazy talk recently. Would you believe she has been telling Wife and I that you really want to babysit for us in your essentially non-existent free time AND that we're keeping you from having the close relationship you want with the kids?"
See how she responds. To me it sounds like MIL is trying to engineer a number of desirable circumstances for herself by manipulating the players. Once SIL stops laughing herself silly, she and Husband will be able to talk openly about this (I bet there is a corollary side to this that your SIL is getting from MIL as well something like "Brother and Wife are crying every night because you're too selfish to help them...too selfish to give them cousins for their young children....").
This kind of thing doesn't survive daylight. Once you both know the line MIL is feeding the other one, the appropriate response is, "Mom, you know that that isn't true. I talked to SIL last week and she is doing IMPORTANT PROJECT. She'd love to help out, she just doesn't have the time." Or similar.
posted by arnicae at 5:32 AM on September 29, 2013 [116 favorites]
To me I don't necessarily see anything to confront SIL on - I would bring it up in a one on one (e.g. Husband and SIL) chat as in "Boy, Mom is really upping the ante on some of the crazy talk recently. Would you believe she has been telling Wife and I that you really want to babysit for us in your essentially non-existent free time AND that we're keeping you from having the close relationship you want with the kids?"
See how she responds. To me it sounds like MIL is trying to engineer a number of desirable circumstances for herself by manipulating the players. Once SIL stops laughing herself silly, she and Husband will be able to talk openly about this (I bet there is a corollary side to this that your SIL is getting from MIL as well something like "Brother and Wife are crying every night because you're too selfish to help them...too selfish to give them cousins for their young children....").
This kind of thing doesn't survive daylight. Once you both know the line MIL is feeding the other one, the appropriate response is, "Mom, you know that that isn't true. I talked to SIL last week and she is doing IMPORTANT PROJECT. She'd love to help out, she just doesn't have the time." Or similar.
posted by arnicae at 5:32 AM on September 29, 2013 [116 favorites]
I came in here to say what arnicae said.
I would be very skeptical that your MIL is accurately representing anything said by your SIL. It doesn't make sense that she would see you as a barrier to her spending time with the kids, when past experience (based on what you have said here) indicates she is perfectly willing and able to take the initiative to see the kids, but the barrier is that she has other priorities that interfere. I would echo the recommendation to talk to SIL first to get the story straight from her.
If you have the wherewithal to be an intermediary in this situation (which you are not obliged to be), your intuition and empathy might be useful when communicating with your SIL. It sounds like your husband, if his first instinct was to blame SIL, may not appreciate the lengths to which some mothers will go to pressure their daughters to settle down and get with the baby-making.
(Full disclosure: I am at SIL's stage of life, and have been on the receiving end of such misguided machinations)
posted by AV at 5:48 AM on September 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
I would be very skeptical that your MIL is accurately representing anything said by your SIL. It doesn't make sense that she would see you as a barrier to her spending time with the kids, when past experience (based on what you have said here) indicates she is perfectly willing and able to take the initiative to see the kids, but the barrier is that she has other priorities that interfere. I would echo the recommendation to talk to SIL first to get the story straight from her.
If you have the wherewithal to be an intermediary in this situation (which you are not obliged to be), your intuition and empathy might be useful when communicating with your SIL. It sounds like your husband, if his first instinct was to blame SIL, may not appreciate the lengths to which some mothers will go to pressure their daughters to settle down and get with the baby-making.
(Full disclosure: I am at SIL's stage of life, and have been on the receiving end of such misguided machinations)
posted by AV at 5:48 AM on September 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
Unless SIL has shown any tendencies to be manipulative or cause conflict with MIL previously I think arnicae is right. I am a bit like SIL in that I am career minded, very stretched at work and don't really know what to do with young children most of the time. So even when I lived close by I didn't really spend much time with them. But being very stretched also means I simply wouldn't have time for this kind of drama. My solution here would actually be to pay for your babysitter/contribute to help in some financial way to give you a chance to sleep or leave the house or whatever...
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:02 AM on September 29, 2013
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:02 AM on September 29, 2013
Talk directly to SIL. Tell her MIL said she wants to babysit & ask her if that's true. Make sure she knows you're fine either way & that the kids adore her so she's always welcome to come round. And mean it - not everyone is into kids & while it would be nice to have family as free on-call sitters loving your kids as much as you do, it's not the way your SIL feels about it and she gets to choose how to spend her time. Straight-up clearing the air is called for whenever meddling MILs are involved.
posted by headnsouth at 6:05 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 6:05 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Thirding arnicae's statement.
> (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my MIL is putting a ton of pressure on SIL to settle down and have kids)
I'd be willing to bet money that your MIL is trying to get SIL to babysit your kids more, with the hope that if SIL spends more time with your kids, she'll go "What have I been doing with my life? I need to settle down and start having kids right away!"
BTW: As someone who's happily child-free, thank you for being understanding about your SIL not being into kids right now. Those of us who decided at a young age that having children wasn't the right choice for us are subject to these sort of machinations from relatives, and it's always good to have others in the family who support our choices, and are willing to call out b.s. when they see it.
posted by magstheaxe at 6:06 AM on September 29, 2013 [30 favorites]
> (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my MIL is putting a ton of pressure on SIL to settle down and have kids)
I'd be willing to bet money that your MIL is trying to get SIL to babysit your kids more, with the hope that if SIL spends more time with your kids, she'll go "What have I been doing with my life? I need to settle down and start having kids right away!"
BTW: As someone who's happily child-free, thank you for being understanding about your SIL not being into kids right now. Those of us who decided at a young age that having children wasn't the right choice for us are subject to these sort of machinations from relatives, and it's always good to have others in the family who support our choices, and are willing to call out b.s. when they see it.
posted by magstheaxe at 6:06 AM on September 29, 2013 [30 favorites]
I think you need to confront your MIL on this and leave your SIL alone. Plenty of aunts and uncles are hands off, and that's fine. This is about your husband's mother being manipulative and trying to force her daughter into "family" mode, IMHO.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:27 AM on September 29, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:27 AM on September 29, 2013
My husband is livid about this. He routinely helps her in big brother type ways, and is already miffed that she backed out of babysitting when our youngest was born. He's all set confront SIL guns blazing, and I'm afraid neither of us is in a good place to approach her in a productive manner.
I don't understand this part. You convey that your SIL is very busy with work. You convey that you are exhausted, busy parents with a part-time nanny. You say that SIL loves your kids. You had to back out of weekend plans because you had a sick child and you and your husband were tired. MIL is upset that you were not able to go through with plans, because you didn't ask SIL? I don't know why this has anything to do with your husband being livid unless you asked and SIL backed out, or something. You never asked the SIL. It was your decision to cancel plans and stay home.
I would let comments from MIL go in one ear and out the other and not say anything to SIL. Accept the situation as it is. SIL has very demanding schedule and is sometimes late. She loves your kids but has her own life. This is not a problem. I would continue to try to build a relationship. Keep inviting her over. Do things with her and the kids together. There is no reason why she should be a built-in babysitter. This is what the nanny is for. These are my thoughts but I don't know the whole story. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 6:45 AM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't understand this part. You convey that your SIL is very busy with work. You convey that you are exhausted, busy parents with a part-time nanny. You say that SIL loves your kids. You had to back out of weekend plans because you had a sick child and you and your husband were tired. MIL is upset that you were not able to go through with plans, because you didn't ask SIL? I don't know why this has anything to do with your husband being livid unless you asked and SIL backed out, or something. You never asked the SIL. It was your decision to cancel plans and stay home.
I would let comments from MIL go in one ear and out the other and not say anything to SIL. Accept the situation as it is. SIL has very demanding schedule and is sometimes late. She loves your kids but has her own life. This is not a problem. I would continue to try to build a relationship. Keep inviting her over. Do things with her and the kids together. There is no reason why she should be a built-in babysitter. This is what the nanny is for. These are my thoughts but I don't know the whole story. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 6:45 AM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
my mom pulls similar crap all the time. my brother and i have vowed to never get upset at each other due to our mother's telling of a situation.
posted by nadawi at 6:48 AM on September 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:48 AM on September 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
Another vote here for MIL is trying her best to manipulate you, your husband and your SIL.
Solution: talk directly to SIL, not MIL. There's no reason whatsoever to be mad at SIL, since SIL hasn't complained about her time with the kids, has she? All you have is MIL's second hand he said/she said, which may be totally made up.
And another reason to talk to SIL is, you need to find out what MIL is telling her that you & Husband are saying: who knows, MIL may be telling SIL you don't want SIL near the kids!
posted by easily confused at 7:04 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Solution: talk directly to SIL, not MIL. There's no reason whatsoever to be mad at SIL, since SIL hasn't complained about her time with the kids, has she? All you have is MIL's second hand he said/she said, which may be totally made up.
And another reason to talk to SIL is, you need to find out what MIL is telling her that you & Husband are saying: who knows, MIL may be telling SIL you don't want SIL near the kids!
posted by easily confused at 7:04 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Yeah your SIL doesn't seem like she's done anything wrong. I guess it's up to you guys if you want to have a chat with MIL about acceptable behavior.
God I can't imagine my mom pulling stunts like this.
posted by kavasa at 7:05 AM on September 29, 2013
God I can't imagine my mom pulling stunts like this.
posted by kavasa at 7:05 AM on September 29, 2013
Don't get upset. Go to SIL and say "Your mother has told me that you might want to spend more time with the kids. Is that true? Could we work this out?" (Or using arnicae's phrasing.)
In all likelihood, SIL will say either "no, I guess MIL wants more grandkids, god, so meddlesome" or "Yes, but I told mom it was impossible because of MY schedule, not yours, so there's no problem."
I firmly believe that SIL is probably not the troublemaker here.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 7:05 AM on September 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
In all likelihood, SIL will say either "no, I guess MIL wants more grandkids, god, so meddlesome" or "Yes, but I told mom it was impossible because of MY schedule, not yours, so there's no problem."
I firmly believe that SIL is probably not the troublemaker here.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 7:05 AM on September 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
You, my dear, should not have to worry your head about this! Your husband should take care of it. There is no need for you to get yourself involved in the drama.
posted by yarly at 7:16 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 7:16 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nthing that the problem is your MIL, not SIL. Even if SIL said any of those things to your MIL, your MIL should not be interfering. It's your business to find childcare for your kids, and SIL's business to spend time with her nieces/nephews, if she wishes. There's no rational reason for MIL to insert herself between your family and SIL.
posted by donajo at 7:35 AM on September 29, 2013
posted by donajo at 7:35 AM on September 29, 2013
What does your husband want to confront your sister about? She doesn't want to spend that much time with your kids. I know that is hard to believe for your mother in law or your husband, but she just doesn't (seem to) want to. Is he going to 'force' her to babysit? Maybe she feels badly because she can't have her own right now, maybe she is tired from her job, maybe she has other things going on, who knows. I think flibbertigibbet above has the correct script. Tell your MIL that you will accept all offers of babysitting but you're not recruiting family members unwillingly for the process right now....and that SIL is welcome ANYTIME she wants to see the kids (with appropriate phone call etc arrangements made first). I think the MIL is just creating drama where none is required.
posted by bquarters at 7:37 AM on September 29, 2013
posted by bquarters at 7:37 AM on September 29, 2013
I'm sensing that there is a strong culture of non-outspoken expectations in your family-in-law. In an ideal world, it would be helpful if you and your husband could totally dial that back to zero, regarding your part in this drama.
Doing this would - for example - give your husband the option to reflect upon the situation without getting upset. It would give you the option of interacting with your sister-in-law directly - as others have said, this seems to be best - in an open and sincere spirit. Don't accept the intervention of others. Just ask her about her own preferences when it comes to interacting with you and your kids. Be sincere and direct.
Then ask you mother-in-law over for coffee and cookies and tell her there's never been a problem.
That is my advice.
posted by Namlit at 7:40 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Doing this would - for example - give your husband the option to reflect upon the situation without getting upset. It would give you the option of interacting with your sister-in-law directly - as others have said, this seems to be best - in an open and sincere spirit. Don't accept the intervention of others. Just ask her about her own preferences when it comes to interacting with you and your kids. Be sincere and direct.
Then ask you mother-in-law over for coffee and cookies and tell her there's never been a problem.
That is my advice.
posted by Namlit at 7:40 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, my mom does stuff like this sometimes. She thinks it's "helping", like she knows us better than we know ourselves, and if we all just followed along to what she was trying to engineer, we'd all be happy! (no.) Arnicae has it. When you've had more than 2-3 hours of sleep, and at least one child isn't (as) sick, maybe ask SIL about it. "Hey, MIL mentioned you might like to spend more time with the kids. Let's talk about that - what do you envision?"
Honestly, it sounds like you have a good thing going with SIL. I give you Internet Permission to ignore MIL's suggestions completely, and to take a nap instead.
posted by RogueTech at 7:44 AM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds like you have a good thing going with SIL. I give you Internet Permission to ignore MIL's suggestions completely, and to take a nap instead.
posted by RogueTech at 7:44 AM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm 99% sure it went down like this: MIL bugged SIL about spending more time with your kids, or getting her own kids, or whatever. SIL offhandedly made excuse like "mom, I don't know anything about taking care of kids! They don't want an ignoramus like me in charge of their children!"
MIL intentionally or unintentionally misunderstands the remark, crafts a whole narrative around it, and takes it back to you complete with demands and drama.
I would probably ignore the whole thing, except I agree it might be useful to let SIL know that this was what was said, because it's entirely possible that MIL has been saying similarly bizarre stuff about you, and this is all fertile ground for hurt feelings.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on September 29, 2013 [14 favorites]
MIL intentionally or unintentionally misunderstands the remark, crafts a whole narrative around it, and takes it back to you complete with demands and drama.
I would probably ignore the whole thing, except I agree it might be useful to let SIL know that this was what was said, because it's entirely possible that MIL has been saying similarly bizarre stuff about you, and this is all fertile ground for hurt feelings.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on September 29, 2013 [14 favorites]
Oh man I am secretly worried this is about me, except that my mom would not do this. I have a crazy job and am a terribly unreliable aunt, even though I love my nephews dearly.
Please address this with your MIL, and only bring it up to your sister-in-law as a "hey, Mom mentioned this thing, and we're wondering if it's just something she made up or if you really do feel left out of the kids' lives." If she has no idea what you're talking about - or if it's what fingersandtoes says, which is not unlikely - then do address the unreliability if it bothers you (I would never promise to babysit unless I meant it! which means I rarely promise, but that's terrible for other reasons), but please don't blame her for your MIL's comments.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:31 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Please address this with your MIL, and only bring it up to your sister-in-law as a "hey, Mom mentioned this thing, and we're wondering if it's just something she made up or if you really do feel left out of the kids' lives." If she has no idea what you're talking about - or if it's what fingersandtoes says, which is not unlikely - then do address the unreliability if it bothers you (I would never promise to babysit unless I meant it! which means I rarely promise, but that's terrible for other reasons), but please don't blame her for your MIL's comments.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:31 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Is your husband upset because your SIL didn't speak to you directly? Or because your MIL implied some criticism came from SIL? Because in either case you probably want to assume some miscommunication. It's possible your MIL is projecting her wants onto SIL, or that she's genuinely not understanding SIL, or SIL is fobbing her off, or SIL is deflecting criticism of her own flakiness with your kids.
Whatever the reason, continuing to assume good faith on SIL's part, and refusing to allow MIL to act as a go-between seems most sensible. Speak directly to your SIL about whether she feels excluded from your kids. I suspect she doesn't - or if she does, recognises it's a result of her own busy-ness which she may not be able to change.
posted by plonkee at 8:58 AM on September 29, 2013
Whatever the reason, continuing to assume good faith on SIL's part, and refusing to allow MIL to act as a go-between seems most sensible. Speak directly to your SIL about whether she feels excluded from your kids. I suspect she doesn't - or if she does, recognises it's a result of her own busy-ness which she may not be able to change.
posted by plonkee at 8:58 AM on September 29, 2013
Nthing that your MIL is almost certainly trying to stir things up, and that your husband -- for whatever reason(s) -- is allowing himself to be stirred. I don't know if MIL is actually doing this out of malice or, more likely, a misplaced sense of "helping," but either way she is interfering.
Please talk to SIL directly, respectfully, and with an open mind. Your husband does not need to confront anyone with guns blazing, though I suspect he may need to let his mother know (kindly but firmly) that this sort of "helping" needs to be knocked off.
posted by scody at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2013
Please talk to SIL directly, respectfully, and with an open mind. Your husband does not need to confront anyone with guns blazing, though I suspect he may need to let his mother know (kindly but firmly) that this sort of "helping" needs to be knocked off.
posted by scody at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2013
Mumsie is being controlling. Just tell her, "We've got it under control, SIL is welcome to see the kids at anytime."
As far as you needing to relax and not be so overprotective, just change the subject. She really needs to MYOB.
Not sure why husband is miffed at SIL--she isn't obliged to provide him with childcare.
If you really would like to see your SIL more often, extend informal invitations to Sunday lunch or something of that nature. Invite her to the zoo with you. Or not.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:35 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
As far as you needing to relax and not be so overprotective, just change the subject. She really needs to MYOB.
Not sure why husband is miffed at SIL--she isn't obliged to provide him with childcare.
If you really would like to see your SIL more often, extend informal invitations to Sunday lunch or something of that nature. Invite her to the zoo with you. Or not.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:35 AM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
In addition to MIL being interfering, is it possible she's miffed about you not letting her spend as much time with the grandkids as she wants, or in the ways she wants? That the "You're being overprotective!" complaint may be her projecting her feelings onto SIL?
posted by jaguar at 10:40 AM on September 29, 2013
posted by jaguar at 10:40 AM on September 29, 2013
Yeah, your MIL is what they call a 'firestarter'.
A combo of multiple not entirely accurate accusations with a heavy dose of he/she said about a person not in the room to clarify of defend themselves (SIL says you've not been giving her kid time - why don't you like her? You need to lighten up). The strategic mistake people make is to start a defensive fight on two fronts, rather than to 1) team up and vanquish the firestarter from both sides and 2) stand your ground/shut it down.
That is, the rookie mistake your husband is making is responding to his mom's accusations by accepting both arguments (wait, what, how could my sister say that - grar sister! to the left) and (but wait mom, that's not true! Here's what really happened! And why do you believe sister? AND I do not need to lighten up! to the right). Result: Firestarter happy, because you've just totally exhausted yourself AND fed the fire.
I also agree that you and your husband and your SIL fight this fire competently from all sides, giving it no oxygen and no quarter. So team up: Call you SIL and say that she is loved, and you entirely understand that she is busy, and you want to clarify that you are entirely happy with the amount of time that she spends with the kids, and if anyone, including your MIL says differently, the woman is blowing smoke and don't believe it for a moment. And stand your ground/shut it down: the next time your MIL says ANYTHING, don't get defensive. Start hearing the voice of charlie brown's teacher if you have to, or elevator music - but do not listen. The only answer is 87 variations of 'Well that's odd, because that's not what she told us' and 'Huh, really. That's interesting, because that's not what she said last time we spoke, and we think it's important to trust her'. Repeat, repeat, repeat, even as she escalates (When did SIL talk to you last - your intel is off! Are you calling me a liar? Well, she feels too terrible to tell you the truth...)
The point is you need to stop treating your MIL as the arbiter of truth, and somehow more knowledgable, and more insightful about your behaviors/decisions than any of you. People who behave that way are usually afraid that they are being marginalized and ignored, and start making proclamations/accusations just to feel that they are necessary. Stop feeding that - you and your husband aren't fifth grade gossipy girls - don't get sucked in by your MIL's efforts to stir up drama (SIL says she doesn't like you anymore! What? Why not? Cue tears.)
Remember, your MIL is consciously or unconsciously feeding off of it. Stop feeding her. You'll probably never been able to deprive her of enough oxygen to stop her from grumbling about something, but the fires will be much, much smaller over time, or move to new topics.
posted by anitanita at 10:45 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
A combo of multiple not entirely accurate accusations with a heavy dose of he/she said about a person not in the room to clarify of defend themselves (SIL says you've not been giving her kid time - why don't you like her? You need to lighten up). The strategic mistake people make is to start a defensive fight on two fronts, rather than to 1) team up and vanquish the firestarter from both sides and 2) stand your ground/shut it down.
That is, the rookie mistake your husband is making is responding to his mom's accusations by accepting both arguments (wait, what, how could my sister say that - grar sister! to the left) and (but wait mom, that's not true! Here's what really happened! And why do you believe sister? AND I do not need to lighten up! to the right). Result: Firestarter happy, because you've just totally exhausted yourself AND fed the fire.
I also agree that you and your husband and your SIL fight this fire competently from all sides, giving it no oxygen and no quarter. So team up: Call you SIL and say that she is loved, and you entirely understand that she is busy, and you want to clarify that you are entirely happy with the amount of time that she spends with the kids, and if anyone, including your MIL says differently, the woman is blowing smoke and don't believe it for a moment. And stand your ground/shut it down: the next time your MIL says ANYTHING, don't get defensive. Start hearing the voice of charlie brown's teacher if you have to, or elevator music - but do not listen. The only answer is 87 variations of 'Well that's odd, because that's not what she told us' and 'Huh, really. That's interesting, because that's not what she said last time we spoke, and we think it's important to trust her'. Repeat, repeat, repeat, even as she escalates (When did SIL talk to you last - your intel is off! Are you calling me a liar? Well, she feels too terrible to tell you the truth...)
The point is you need to stop treating your MIL as the arbiter of truth, and somehow more knowledgable, and more insightful about your behaviors/decisions than any of you. People who behave that way are usually afraid that they are being marginalized and ignored, and start making proclamations/accusations just to feel that they are necessary. Stop feeding that - you and your husband aren't fifth grade gossipy girls - don't get sucked in by your MIL's efforts to stir up drama (SIL says she doesn't like you anymore! What? Why not? Cue tears.)
Remember, your MIL is consciously or unconsciously feeding off of it. Stop feeding her. You'll probably never been able to deprive her of enough oxygen to stop her from grumbling about something, but the fires will be much, much smaller over time, or move to new topics.
posted by anitanita at 10:45 AM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Just chiming in to agree with everyone above. I have two older brothers with kids and I'm the youngest sister with no kids (yet) and the demanding job, and I could totally see my drama-stirring mother make that EXACT COMMENT about needing to be less controlling and "let" other people help to Brother #1 and his wife, based on twisting something I would say about not thinking they would want to have me watch their kids. The exact right way to handle this is to talk directly to SIL, starting from an assumption that MIL is making this up / misinterpreting, but wanting to clear things up just in case there's some truth to what MIL passed along.
In the future, you and your husband need to get really good at saying "You know what, if SIL wants hang out with our kids more and feels like we don't let her, she needs to bring that up with us directly rather than complain to you. You can feel free to tell that to her or anyone else who complains about something we're doing. We really don't want to hear this stuff second-hand from you or anyone other than the person who has the problem."
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, and unless your MIL is really an above-grade manipulator, it won't take more than a few times of hearing this for her to knock this particularly annoying habit off.
As a side note, having watched two older brothers have kids and get dramatically different results in terms of how much family babysitting help or kid-involvement they get, I think there are definitely strategies you and your husband can adopt that might your SIL more confident and willing to babysit. That's pretty irrelevant to how your husband should handle *this* situation, though, so feel free to hit me up by memail (or post another ask!) if ideas on that front would be helpful.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:42 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
In the future, you and your husband need to get really good at saying "You know what, if SIL wants hang out with our kids more and feels like we don't let her, she needs to bring that up with us directly rather than complain to you. You can feel free to tell that to her or anyone else who complains about something we're doing. We really don't want to hear this stuff second-hand from you or anyone other than the person who has the problem."
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, and unless your MIL is really an above-grade manipulator, it won't take more than a few times of hearing this for her to knock this particularly annoying habit off.
As a side note, having watched two older brothers have kids and get dramatically different results in terms of how much family babysitting help or kid-involvement they get, I think there are definitely strategies you and your husband can adopt that might your SIL more confident and willing to babysit. That's pretty irrelevant to how your husband should handle *this* situation, though, so feel free to hit me up by memail (or post another ask!) if ideas on that front would be helpful.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:42 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
i just want to say that you, and other families, are not entitled to mandatory (free?) child care from your relatives. challenging your husband's assumption about this could help him calm down.
posted by cupcake1337 at 3:44 PM on September 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by cupcake1337 at 3:44 PM on September 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
This is your husband's problem. Get him to talk to his mum, explain that she's got the wrong end of the stick, that his sister isn't interested in babysitting/doesn't have the time, and to back off. It's his family, and he should insulate you from their nonsense.
He routinely helps her in big brother type ways, and is already miffed that she backed out of babysitting when our youngest was born.
Also, your husband needs to accept that nobody 'owes' him babysitting services, like cupcake says.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:30 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
He routinely helps her in big brother type ways, and is already miffed that she backed out of babysitting when our youngest was born.
Also, your husband needs to accept that nobody 'owes' him babysitting services, like cupcake says.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:30 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
SIL is childfree. It's highly likely that MIL is trying to persuade her to have kids. It's highly likely that at some point she's made an offhand comment like "They don't want me looking after the kids because I'm hopeless and they're overprotective" to excuse the fact that she doesn't look after them much. Because, hell, it's kinda exhausting when everyone keeps trying to persuade you to have kids, and you might want to escape the conversation sometimes.
I suggest asking SIL what she actually wants (while making sure she knows that any answer is fine.) SIL probably isn't interested in babysitting - most childfree people aren't. If she says 'not interested' - don't ask her to babysit, and she won't need to flake on you.
Then you get the fun of pointing out to your husband and MIL that she's not a free babysitting service.
posted by Ashlyth at 11:14 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I suggest asking SIL what she actually wants (while making sure she knows that any answer is fine.) SIL probably isn't interested in babysitting - most childfree people aren't. If she says 'not interested' - don't ask her to babysit, and she won't need to flake on you.
Then you get the fun of pointing out to your husband and MIL that she's not a free babysitting service.
posted by Ashlyth at 11:14 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Pre-schooler, toddler, newborn. That's not a situation you want to bring an amateur into for babysitting purposes. Really not up to SIL to solve any problems there - as you have initimated. But also, not your job at the moment to do family ruffled-feather soothing.
Your SIL sounds cool, and you sound agreeable together. I think you should mention to her what her mother said, because, as others have mentioned above, this sounds like the scheming of the grandchild-accumulating matriarch. And maybe tell your husband to cool it, as due no doubt to new-baby stress he's let himself get mis-directed as to where the solutions are.
posted by glasseyes at 7:46 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your SIL sounds cool, and you sound agreeable together. I think you should mention to her what her mother said, because, as others have mentioned above, this sounds like the scheming of the grandchild-accumulating matriarch. And maybe tell your husband to cool it, as due no doubt to new-baby stress he's let himself get mis-directed as to where the solutions are.
posted by glasseyes at 7:46 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
p.s. if your MIL thinks you're so in need of voluntary baby-sitting, why isn't she offering? Might it be because looking after really tiny children isn't a walk in the park? I mean sometimes they cry for hours for no obvious reason (they might just be missing their mother. Or not) and that's quite panic-inducing for someone who hasn't been around kids much.
Aunty duty is much easier and more fun for everyone concerned once the children are older.
posted by glasseyes at 7:58 AM on September 30, 2013
Aunty duty is much easier and more fun for everyone concerned once the children are older.
posted by glasseyes at 7:58 AM on September 30, 2013
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks everyone for your advice! My family is of the brutally direct style of communication, so it never occurred to me that MIL was being underhanded in her quest for yet more grandchildren. She did indeed take an offhand comment and turn it into A Thing, and I will no longer worry my tired little head about it.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:54 PM on October 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also, in my husband's defense, his irritation isn't with the lack of babysitting, but with the constant flaking out. Neither of us feel entitled to childcare, and finances aren't an issue. SIL had volunteered to babysit for the hour or so it takes my parents to get from their house to mine should I go into labor in the middle of the night and then just didn't answer her phone when the moment arrived. As a result, husband practically had to deliver the baby himself in the hospital lobby, which was less than ideal.
Moral of story: beware of sneaky mother-in-laws.
This thread is closed to new comments.
Either your MIL is interfering and with three little kids, this is not worth the hassle to confront her over because you sound really reasonable and relaxed about her being this way already. Or your SIL is sort of passive-aggressive wanting to spend time or feeling guilty, in which case, who has time for that? Give her the opportunity, have low expectations and be delighted when 3-5 times a year becomes a dozen times.
I hope they sleep through the night soon!
posted by viggorlijah at 5:32 AM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]