How to deal with jealousy and loathing; Sibling edition.
September 27, 2013 1:38 PM Subscribe
Can you give me some tips how to deal with an increasingly antagonistic brother? I'm a pretty soft-hearted slow-minded wuss who can't keep up with his clever snarky retorts or find a diplomatic way to rise above them and still resolve the issues which we are unfortunately linked together to. How, in preparation for a future when I will have to face up to him, can I learn to be stronger and ignore or deal with his attitude? Long winded whine inside.
I know you're not my psychiatrist. But perhaps you are like me and have been in a similar situation.
I can't quite believe I've got to middle age and still haven't found a reasonable solution to this problem.
My brother is three years older than I. We have never been close; I was the goofy little sis who looked up to him and got nothing but coldness and nastiness back. Anything I've done he has treated with disdain (getting married, moving to a different location, that sort of usual mundane thing).
So, into adulthood we've never much stayed in touch, and our paths cross only when they really have to, probably every five years at some sort of parental anniversary. And still he can't find just a little civility towards me. He can shoot me down in flames with a single comment - even in the limo following our father's coffin last year, in the company of our mother, his grown up kids and my husband; a snarky belittling remark which drove me to tears at a time when I really needed to be strong.
He has been an alcoholic for thirty years, and will not accept the fact or help from family or groups. He acts like a hard case, very stony faced and aloof with everyone except for a small clique of like-minded souls who he spends all his time and money with down at his local bar.
The worst thing is that he is fleecing our 83 year old mother for anything he can get. I found out about this last year when I stayed with her during my father's last days, the funeral and for a few weeks afterwards. My brother would lay on sob stories regarding poverty or fines to be paid or the car needing to be fixed and would extract a tidy sum quite regularly (and then spend the money down the bar. He does actually have a good job...). I think my mother has wisened up to the bull he has been feeding her, but finds it hard to say no. I want to protect her from him, but my presence in itself enrages my brother - I think he is terrified that I'm out to cut him out of our mother's life/the estate/his rightful inheritance or whatever - which is not the case at all.
I should add that my brother's loathing of me was extended somewhat to our parents too, although he turns on the charm for my mother until he gets what he wants. In return for the money, he gives her nothing. He lives 10 miles away and visits infrequently (perhaps 4-5 times a year) to get this money. He phones her every few weeks. He does not buy her anything for her birthday or Christmas. He did not come to see our father on his death bed, but managed to turn up the day after he died and get a chunk of money from our mother.
Its making me sick to see him treating her like this but I feel powerless to do anything about it. The mere mention of anything to do with me sends him into a fit of rage. (We've given up trying to understand why he hates me so much - I asked him many times but he's not giving anything up. I just seem to be a jealousy inducing, loathsome creature in his life. He has always disliked and I have learned to live with it. Its fine, but his cruddy attitude can wind me up very quickly and I find it hard to not get upset.). In the past I might have spoken my mind, told him what I thought of him but quickly learnt that this got me nowhere - in fact he stores up comments and incidents to throw back at me years and years later, so it seems pointless to try to make him see what an a*****e he is being. I think he knows, but just doesn't care. It seems futile to try to reason with him. He is in his own little selfish world and no one can or will burst that bubble.
So how do I cope with him in the years to come? Within the next year or so I will be moving back to my mother's to look after her during her last years. (I'm currently in a different country, several thousand miles away, and although still spry, her health is now deteriorating). This will bring me right in between my brother and his plans to squeeze every last penny out of our mother, so he will be even unhappier with me. At some point we will have to divide the estate and ohhh boy.... this fills me with dread. There is no one else close in the family to provide neutral territory but even if there was, I'd like to be able to handle this (and him) myself.
How do I become more confident with dealing with him? Do I need to talk to someone? Is there books on this stuff?
TL;DR: My brother is a selfish, alcoholic bully. How can I grow a backbone to deal with him?
I know you're not my psychiatrist. But perhaps you are like me and have been in a similar situation.
I can't quite believe I've got to middle age and still haven't found a reasonable solution to this problem.
My brother is three years older than I. We have never been close; I was the goofy little sis who looked up to him and got nothing but coldness and nastiness back. Anything I've done he has treated with disdain (getting married, moving to a different location, that sort of usual mundane thing).
So, into adulthood we've never much stayed in touch, and our paths cross only when they really have to, probably every five years at some sort of parental anniversary. And still he can't find just a little civility towards me. He can shoot me down in flames with a single comment - even in the limo following our father's coffin last year, in the company of our mother, his grown up kids and my husband; a snarky belittling remark which drove me to tears at a time when I really needed to be strong.
He has been an alcoholic for thirty years, and will not accept the fact or help from family or groups. He acts like a hard case, very stony faced and aloof with everyone except for a small clique of like-minded souls who he spends all his time and money with down at his local bar.
The worst thing is that he is fleecing our 83 year old mother for anything he can get. I found out about this last year when I stayed with her during my father's last days, the funeral and for a few weeks afterwards. My brother would lay on sob stories regarding poverty or fines to be paid or the car needing to be fixed and would extract a tidy sum quite regularly (and then spend the money down the bar. He does actually have a good job...). I think my mother has wisened up to the bull he has been feeding her, but finds it hard to say no. I want to protect her from him, but my presence in itself enrages my brother - I think he is terrified that I'm out to cut him out of our mother's life/the estate/his rightful inheritance or whatever - which is not the case at all.
I should add that my brother's loathing of me was extended somewhat to our parents too, although he turns on the charm for my mother until he gets what he wants. In return for the money, he gives her nothing. He lives 10 miles away and visits infrequently (perhaps 4-5 times a year) to get this money. He phones her every few weeks. He does not buy her anything for her birthday or Christmas. He did not come to see our father on his death bed, but managed to turn up the day after he died and get a chunk of money from our mother.
Its making me sick to see him treating her like this but I feel powerless to do anything about it. The mere mention of anything to do with me sends him into a fit of rage. (We've given up trying to understand why he hates me so much - I asked him many times but he's not giving anything up. I just seem to be a jealousy inducing, loathsome creature in his life. He has always disliked and I have learned to live with it. Its fine, but his cruddy attitude can wind me up very quickly and I find it hard to not get upset.). In the past I might have spoken my mind, told him what I thought of him but quickly learnt that this got me nowhere - in fact he stores up comments and incidents to throw back at me years and years later, so it seems pointless to try to make him see what an a*****e he is being. I think he knows, but just doesn't care. It seems futile to try to reason with him. He is in his own little selfish world and no one can or will burst that bubble.
So how do I cope with him in the years to come? Within the next year or so I will be moving back to my mother's to look after her during her last years. (I'm currently in a different country, several thousand miles away, and although still spry, her health is now deteriorating). This will bring me right in between my brother and his plans to squeeze every last penny out of our mother, so he will be even unhappier with me. At some point we will have to divide the estate and ohhh boy.... this fills me with dread. There is no one else close in the family to provide neutral territory but even if there was, I'd like to be able to handle this (and him) myself.
How do I become more confident with dealing with him? Do I need to talk to someone? Is there books on this stuff?
TL;DR: My brother is a selfish, alcoholic bully. How can I grow a backbone to deal with him?
Best answer: Help your mom research choose an estate/family lawyer now, before it becomes OMG territory. Since you will be caring for her, you should be set up with the various powers of attorney (medical, financial) at least some of which can be the kind that would only go into effect if she's physically or mentally incapacitated, if that makes everyone feel better about it. Talk to her about naming someone other than a family member as the executor - the lawyer who handled my mom's fairly simple paperwork served as the executor, which was great because I was too much of a wreck to deal, and I don't even have siblings, difficult or otherwise.
Consider keeping the lawyer on retainer, so when (not if) your brother flips out about something, you can tell him he'll have to talk to the lawyer about it.
Your brother's animosity towards you doesn't have anything to do with you, so it isn't anything you can fix. You can do some short-term therapy to learn some coping skills to keep the misery spiral of something that isn't at all your fault or responsibility at bay.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Good for you for getting a jump on things.
posted by rtha at 1:54 PM on September 27, 2013 [17 favorites]
Consider keeping the lawyer on retainer, so when (not if) your brother flips out about something, you can tell him he'll have to talk to the lawyer about it.
Your brother's animosity towards you doesn't have anything to do with you, so it isn't anything you can fix. You can do some short-term therapy to learn some coping skills to keep the misery spiral of something that isn't at all your fault or responsibility at bay.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Good for you for getting a jump on things.
posted by rtha at 1:54 PM on September 27, 2013 [17 favorites]
First of all, the way to avoid "dividing the estate" is to have your mother settle it properly while she can.
You can't do anything about your brother, all you can do is sigh and roll your eyes. I find that saying things like:
"That's a biting comment."
"That hurts my feelings"
"Harsh"
Basically, don't acknowledge the comment itself, but do acknowledge that it was hurtful. Then drop it and refuse to engage.
"I'd prefer to drop the subject."
"Let's change the subject."
"We disagree, there's no point in discussing it."
The country to which you return, are there any protections for elders who may be taken advantage of by caregivers? If so, you may want to look into it.
Also, while you're having that discussion with your Mom about the will/estate, etc, do speak to her about giving your brother lots and lots of money. Ask her why she does it, how she feels about it, what she hopes will happen when she does it.
rtha has it completely, get your Mom in touch with an attorney who can take all the choice and availability of the estate's money and tie it up in such a way that your brother can't continue to skim it away.
As for your relationship with him, he's clearly damaged, he may have a mental illness or he may just not be a very friendly guy. Not your problem. I'm sorry you can't have a good relationship with him, but the sooner you give up, the sooner you can make your peace with the situation as it truly is, and not what you wish it would be.
Good luck
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:59 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can't do anything about your brother, all you can do is sigh and roll your eyes. I find that saying things like:
"That's a biting comment."
"That hurts my feelings"
"Harsh"
Basically, don't acknowledge the comment itself, but do acknowledge that it was hurtful. Then drop it and refuse to engage.
"I'd prefer to drop the subject."
"Let's change the subject."
"We disagree, there's no point in discussing it."
The country to which you return, are there any protections for elders who may be taken advantage of by caregivers? If so, you may want to look into it.
Also, while you're having that discussion with your Mom about the will/estate, etc, do speak to her about giving your brother lots and lots of money. Ask her why she does it, how she feels about it, what she hopes will happen when she does it.
rtha has it completely, get your Mom in touch with an attorney who can take all the choice and availability of the estate's money and tie it up in such a way that your brother can't continue to skim it away.
As for your relationship with him, he's clearly damaged, he may have a mental illness or he may just not be a very friendly guy. Not your problem. I'm sorry you can't have a good relationship with him, but the sooner you give up, the sooner you can make your peace with the situation as it truly is, and not what you wish it would be.
Good luck
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:59 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Following rtha's advice sounds like a needed step to protect your mother from the leech. He will not care - or help - if she becomes impoverished. As for you, can you learn to snarl "back off" to your brother? Learning to snarl will probably be very hard for you, but once you do learn to put brother in his place, it will be very empowering.
In the meantime, can you find assertiveness training anywhere? It was very popular a few yeas ago as women needed to find their backbones and not be bullied.
posted by Cranberry at 2:01 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
In the meantime, can you find assertiveness training anywhere? It was very popular a few yeas ago as women needed to find their backbones and not be bullied.
posted by Cranberry at 2:01 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think he is terrified that I'm out to cut him out of our mother's life/the estate/his rightful inheritance or whatever - which is not the case at all.
In fact, this is probably (a)just what he fears and (b)is most likely to happen in some form. Whether he gets precisely what he fears or not is, of course, not any of your business. You've already discovered that you can't stop him from self-destructing.
Instead, your concern is your mom and how to keep him from taking advantage of her and, when you move in to take care of her, keep him from bullying you.
When you say "we", as in We've given up trying to understand why he hates me so much, I hope you meant you and your mother. If so, you've won half the battle. She sees what a dick he is, at least as far as you're concerned. That will make it much easier for you to get power of attorney now. You'll need it when you're the primary caretaker for your mom, so start the ball rolling now. If your mom is agreeable, you might set up her bank accounts so that two signatures are required - yours and hers. Make sure she has an up-to-date will that specifies (I presume) that you and he are to share the estate equally.
Once you set firm limits and boundaries, his behavior will most likely get worse. Maybe a lot worse. Stand strong and let his invectives roll off you. He's had your whole lifetime to figure out how to punch your buttons and is probably better at it than anyone else you've ever met. But if you don't let him get to you, he will eventually stop trying.
Or, on preview, what rtha said.
A bit of anecdata here: Your story closely mirrors my own, except it's an older sister that's been the bane of my existence for many years. Nasty, resentful, cruel, and no one knows why. But, believe it or not, it was how I handled our mom's declining years, as her primary caretaker, and then her estate that brought her around to some civility. I'm sure it's because I was as kind and as evenhanded toward her as possible, without trying to exact revenge for how she had acted toward me all those years.
posted by DrGail at 2:05 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
In fact, this is probably (a)just what he fears and (b)is most likely to happen in some form. Whether he gets precisely what he fears or not is, of course, not any of your business. You've already discovered that you can't stop him from self-destructing.
Instead, your concern is your mom and how to keep him from taking advantage of her and, when you move in to take care of her, keep him from bullying you.
When you say "we", as in We've given up trying to understand why he hates me so much, I hope you meant you and your mother. If so, you've won half the battle. She sees what a dick he is, at least as far as you're concerned. That will make it much easier for you to get power of attorney now. You'll need it when you're the primary caretaker for your mom, so start the ball rolling now. If your mom is agreeable, you might set up her bank accounts so that two signatures are required - yours and hers. Make sure she has an up-to-date will that specifies (I presume) that you and he are to share the estate equally.
Once you set firm limits and boundaries, his behavior will most likely get worse. Maybe a lot worse. Stand strong and let his invectives roll off you. He's had your whole lifetime to figure out how to punch your buttons and is probably better at it than anyone else you've ever met. But if you don't let him get to you, he will eventually stop trying.
Or, on preview, what rtha said.
A bit of anecdata here: Your story closely mirrors my own, except it's an older sister that's been the bane of my existence for many years. Nasty, resentful, cruel, and no one knows why. But, believe it or not, it was how I handled our mom's declining years, as her primary caretaker, and then her estate that brought her around to some civility. I'm sure it's because I was as kind and as evenhanded toward her as possible, without trying to exact revenge for how she had acted toward me all those years.
posted by DrGail at 2:05 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Rtha has it.
Therapist (for you) and lawyer.
And if you do wind up moving into the same city as he's in, watch your back. Sounds like there's enough at stake for him to consider hurting you in some fashion. Sad to say people have killed over a relatively minor amount of money. Losing the control is also an issue for him, and he will resent what he sees as a loss of power. Sounds like he has anger issues anyway, and drunks don't think straight.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:21 PM on September 27, 2013
Therapist (for you) and lawyer.
And if you do wind up moving into the same city as he's in, watch your back. Sounds like there's enough at stake for him to consider hurting you in some fashion. Sad to say people have killed over a relatively minor amount of money. Losing the control is also an issue for him, and he will resent what he sees as a loss of power. Sounds like he has anger issues anyway, and drunks don't think straight.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:21 PM on September 27, 2013
Have you ever gone to an AlAnon meeting? I think it might be extremely comforting to learn how common and familiar all this is to a family with an alcoholic. Many people will have similar stories and may be a source of strength as you have to interact with his ongoing addiction (and attendant selfishness).
posted by whimsicalnymph at 2:58 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by whimsicalnymph at 2:58 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
My wife's mother subjected her to a barrage of belittling criticism. My wife couldn't deal with it, but I did by coming in from an unexpected angle.
When we visited her, I would run at her with my arms outstretched like a grizzly bear, wrap her up and ask "How's my favorite mother-in-law?" It knocked her completely off balance, so she couldn't go on the attack. It worked even after she had started her stream of vituperation.
If you can run up to your brother, give him a big, wet smooch and ask "How's my favorite brother?" it may just work. It doesn't really matter what your real feelings are toward him. I didn't much like my mother-in-law, but I pretended to, to keep her from going into her familiar on-rushing train mode.
It was easier for me, because my mother-in-law didn't know which buttons to push to drive me crazy (and I have plenty). If you have a significant other, he/she can do it, maybe more easily, for the same reason.
posted by KRS at 3:02 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
When we visited her, I would run at her with my arms outstretched like a grizzly bear, wrap her up and ask "How's my favorite mother-in-law?" It knocked her completely off balance, so she couldn't go on the attack. It worked even after she had started her stream of vituperation.
If you can run up to your brother, give him a big, wet smooch and ask "How's my favorite brother?" it may just work. It doesn't really matter what your real feelings are toward him. I didn't much like my mother-in-law, but I pretended to, to keep her from going into her familiar on-rushing train mode.
It was easier for me, because my mother-in-law didn't know which buttons to push to drive me crazy (and I have plenty). If you have a significant other, he/she can do it, maybe more easily, for the same reason.
posted by KRS at 3:02 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was going to second whimsicalnymph. Though you are focused on your mom, the truth is that an abusive sibling is a hurtful and damaging thing to grow up with and live with. You are still blaming yourself for not "knowing how" to deal with his abuse, but abuse never stops being abuse...the fault isn't in you for not adjusting to it! People who have also lived with abusive parents/siblings/spouses are going to get what you're going through better than anyone, and may even have advice about ways to protect yourself/your mom or at least minimize the unpleasantness.
Is your mom getting any therapy? She no doubt feels grief and/or guilt at how her son turned out. There is no doubt a long tangled history of how it's been in your family when you were growing up. A therapist might help her be able to resist his manipulation. Though of course he may also be threatening her; it sounds consistent with what you describe. That's definitely something you should discuss with her.
posted by emjaybee at 3:06 PM on September 27, 2013
Is your mom getting any therapy? She no doubt feels grief and/or guilt at how her son turned out. There is no doubt a long tangled history of how it's been in your family when you were growing up. A therapist might help her be able to resist his manipulation. Though of course he may also be threatening her; it sounds consistent with what you describe. That's definitely something you should discuss with her.
posted by emjaybee at 3:06 PM on September 27, 2013
My husband works with seniors so I've heard "your" story a lot. I believe step 1 should be for you to consult with a geriatric care manager who has a background in mental health but also understands the various legal, financial and medical issues involved.
Your mother may not be open to rocking the boat with your brother or she may not realize that she will soon need every penny of her money, now that her health is deteriorating. A third party may be just what she needs - a frank conversation with someone who is outside the family dynamics who will direct her (with you present) to get a handle on her financial situation and her health needs.
(And it may turn out just what you need, too - it is not uncommon to have rotten siblings who will milk their elderly parents for money, and a good care manager will know how to help you in that regard, including recommending the right type of therapist or lawyer).
Just as with regular therapists, a good "fit" is key. Interview several before you commit (you should be able to get a free initial consult). They are not cheap so try to be prepared as far your mother's finances (assets, long term care insurance, etc) and health (latest doctor's evaluations and so on).
As a bonus, it may well turn out that feeling in control of the financial situation will alleviate a good deal of the distress you feel around your brother. Good luck!
posted by rada at 3:09 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your mother may not be open to rocking the boat with your brother or she may not realize that she will soon need every penny of her money, now that her health is deteriorating. A third party may be just what she needs - a frank conversation with someone who is outside the family dynamics who will direct her (with you present) to get a handle on her financial situation and her health needs.
(And it may turn out just what you need, too - it is not uncommon to have rotten siblings who will milk their elderly parents for money, and a good care manager will know how to help you in that regard, including recommending the right type of therapist or lawyer).
Just as with regular therapists, a good "fit" is key. Interview several before you commit (you should be able to get a free initial consult). They are not cheap so try to be prepared as far your mother's finances (assets, long term care insurance, etc) and health (latest doctor's evaluations and so on).
As a bonus, it may well turn out that feeling in control of the financial situation will alleviate a good deal of the distress you feel around your brother. Good luck!
posted by rada at 3:09 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your brother is an alcoholic. This story repeats itself in so many families. It's a very very very common situation.
There is a group called Al-Anon, which is like AA, but for the friends and families of people with addictions. It can be so helpful to see other folks struggling with difficult and painful situations, exactly like yours. In some ways it is even more helpful than individual therapy (although that can be quite helpful to work out your own responses) because you can see how this is a problem even larger than your brother, larger than your own family. I highly recommend you go to a few Al-Anon meetings. You can just sit quietly the first few times if you don't feel like opening up. Different groups have different vibes, so try a few groups if the first one doesn't feel quite right. It's free and I think it will help you gain some traction in this really difficult situation. Go to one this weekend, if you can, and let us know how it goes.
In the meantime, help your mother get her estate established. It's a hard topic, but it's one she knows she must confront, and drama-free conversation and planning will help everyone feel more at ease.
posted by barnone at 3:20 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
There is a group called Al-Anon, which is like AA, but for the friends and families of people with addictions. It can be so helpful to see other folks struggling with difficult and painful situations, exactly like yours. In some ways it is even more helpful than individual therapy (although that can be quite helpful to work out your own responses) because you can see how this is a problem even larger than your brother, larger than your own family. I highly recommend you go to a few Al-Anon meetings. You can just sit quietly the first few times if you don't feel like opening up. Different groups have different vibes, so try a few groups if the first one doesn't feel quite right. It's free and I think it will help you gain some traction in this really difficult situation. Go to one this weekend, if you can, and let us know how it goes.
In the meantime, help your mother get her estate established. It's a hard topic, but it's one she knows she must confront, and drama-free conversation and planning will help everyone feel more at ease.
posted by barnone at 3:20 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Exploiting an elderly person for money could be considered a form of elder abuse.
You should think about reporting him.
posted by brookeb at 3:22 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
You should think about reporting him.
posted by brookeb at 3:22 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
First, take legal advice about how to protect your mother. Do this now.
As to why he hates you so much: 1) He knows you have the ability to protect your mother and may soon have the willingness to do so, if you can stop focussing on his intimidation long enough. Also, 2) alcoholics are just like that. Go to Al-Anon.
If I could name one thing you could do regarding your inner strength - rather than just your legal position - it would be to change the way you talk about yourself. Above the fold you wrote: "soft-hearted slow-minded wuss" "can't keep up with his clever [...] retorts" "Long winded whine inside". I counted half a dozen insults that you levelled at yourself in those few phrases, and that's before you'd even started.
I'm gonna tell you a secret. Words actually do have magic powers, it's all real (not the part about unicorns though, sorry). When you talk about yourself like that, it makes you weak. So what you have to do is ban yourself from saying anything insulting about yourself from now on. You don't have to change your attitude, you don't have to become a Strong Woman(TM) out of nowhere, you just have to stop yourself from doing that one thing.
posted by tel3path at 3:54 PM on September 27, 2013 [11 favorites]
As to why he hates you so much: 1) He knows you have the ability to protect your mother and may soon have the willingness to do so, if you can stop focussing on his intimidation long enough. Also, 2) alcoholics are just like that. Go to Al-Anon.
If I could name one thing you could do regarding your inner strength - rather than just your legal position - it would be to change the way you talk about yourself. Above the fold you wrote: "soft-hearted slow-minded wuss" "can't keep up with his clever [...] retorts" "Long winded whine inside". I counted half a dozen insults that you levelled at yourself in those few phrases, and that's before you'd even started.
I'm gonna tell you a secret. Words actually do have magic powers, it's all real (not the part about unicorns though, sorry). When you talk about yourself like that, it makes you weak. So what you have to do is ban yourself from saying anything insulting about yourself from now on. You don't have to change your attitude, you don't have to become a Strong Woman(TM) out of nowhere, you just have to stop yourself from doing that one thing.
posted by tel3path at 3:54 PM on September 27, 2013 [11 favorites]
So how do I cope with him in the years to come? Within the next year or so I will be moving back to my mother's to look after her during her last years. (I'm currently in a different country, several thousand miles away, and although still spry, her health is now deteriorating).
I usually am all for seniors staying in their own communities in a supportive way, but reading your question I immediately wondered if your mom couldn't come live with you in your current country.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 4:14 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
I usually am all for seniors staying in their own communities in a supportive way, but reading your question I immediately wondered if your mom couldn't come live with you in your current country.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 4:14 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Nthing all the recs for Al Anon - I found it enormously helpful in just feeling like I wasn't alone in all the stuff I experienced, and I learned some good techniques for coping/blowing things off, too.
posted by rtha at 4:21 PM on September 27, 2013
posted by rtha at 4:21 PM on September 27, 2013
Best answer: I am currently going through a similar thing with a brother that has discovered the fascinating world of meth addiction in the past 2 years. I live overseas so it took me a while to find out just how much he was taking advantage of my mother. Helping her get things lined up legally so he could not get access to her bank accounts, having her set up a will and a living will and arrange power of attorneys etc surprisingly actually helped me deal with him as the fact I had to help my mother do this against one of her own children made me white hot mad, it's funny when you hate someone how little power their words have.
As others have mentioned be ready for him to freak out as the source of funds is cut off, my brother threatened to have my mother put away as she must be senile not to trust him, and told her he'd kill her himself and just take the money and laugh at her funeral (her will/living will now includes a clause to keep him from her hospital bed and to keep him from her funeral)
If your brother says anything to you, look at him like the liar he is and simply say "I have nothing to say to you." Keep repeating it until he shuts up or looses his temper, when he looses his temper say "Now you know why I have nothing to say to you."
posted by wwax at 5:09 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
As others have mentioned be ready for him to freak out as the source of funds is cut off, my brother threatened to have my mother put away as she must be senile not to trust him, and told her he'd kill her himself and just take the money and laugh at her funeral (her will/living will now includes a clause to keep him from her hospital bed and to keep him from her funeral)
If your brother says anything to you, look at him like the liar he is and simply say "I have nothing to say to you." Keep repeating it until he shuts up or looses his temper, when he looses his temper say "Now you know why I have nothing to say to you."
posted by wwax at 5:09 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
I had a very difficult relationship with my brother...and it reminds me of yours. The difference is that there was never any money/estate to squabble over. I can't explain at all why my brother didn't like me...I felt I was extremely likable, and for some crazy reason I always loved him, even when he was horrible to me. Maybe it was because he was older and knew everything I didn't. My brother was also a physically beautiful person (like a movie star). I was proud of him and I just looked up to him growing up...and that is a hard habit to break.
I did break it, however, when someone counseled me, telling me that siblings are 'unnecessary' after you grow up. They are wonderful when you are young (even for people like us) because they teach us that we're not in the world alone...that we have to learn to navigate. Siblings would (ostensibly) be good if your parents died...because you might take care of eachother. But once we grow up there is no more good reason to have siblings. They are a drain (unless they happen to like us and be nice to us).
The person who opened my mind to this concept told me to dump my brother and dust off my hands. Be done with him. Now, I know you can't do that...because of everything you've described...but you could indeed do it emotionally. You can simply decide that his purpose for you was already completed and now ....ppppffffttt! dump him like you would dump a terrible so-called friend. Deal with him through lawyers. Be the dump-er instead of the dump-ee. Become completely estranged. It is the only answer. Maybe sometime down the road you can reconnect...maybe if he stops drinking, for example. :)
posted by naplesyellow at 7:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I did break it, however, when someone counseled me, telling me that siblings are 'unnecessary' after you grow up. They are wonderful when you are young (even for people like us) because they teach us that we're not in the world alone...that we have to learn to navigate. Siblings would (ostensibly) be good if your parents died...because you might take care of eachother. But once we grow up there is no more good reason to have siblings. They are a drain (unless they happen to like us and be nice to us).
The person who opened my mind to this concept told me to dump my brother and dust off my hands. Be done with him. Now, I know you can't do that...because of everything you've described...but you could indeed do it emotionally. You can simply decide that his purpose for you was already completed and now ....ppppffffttt! dump him like you would dump a terrible so-called friend. Deal with him through lawyers. Be the dump-er instead of the dump-ee. Become completely estranged. It is the only answer. Maybe sometime down the road you can reconnect...maybe if he stops drinking, for example. :)
posted by naplesyellow at 7:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Along the lines of the comment above, there's at least one person in my life who has the ability to hurt me like that and I think the reason they're so effective is that I still feel close to them and want to feel close to them. In my case, I have a lot of reasons for wanting to keep that closeness. In your case, it doesn't sound like you do.
What I would do is break up with your brother. A one-sided breakup, of course, but basically stop thinking of him as this person you grew up with and are connected to. Separate whatever fond memories you had of him as a kid and the thoughts of him as part of your family from the strange, hostile person you see occasionally today.
I think it's hard not to expect family members to love you or be good to you: they've seen you from up close for most of your life, their loving you is kind of what's supposed to happen, and so their rejection feels stronger than some random person's. So let him out of your family. Let go of the habit of looking up to him, however subconsciously, for approval, and cut him out of your life (metaphorically, of course, since you'll still have to deal with him in practicality.)
There's a lot of advice on metafilter to cut people out and it almost always seems really callous and extreme to me. In this case it seems right.
posted by egg drop at 1:16 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
What I would do is break up with your brother. A one-sided breakup, of course, but basically stop thinking of him as this person you grew up with and are connected to. Separate whatever fond memories you had of him as a kid and the thoughts of him as part of your family from the strange, hostile person you see occasionally today.
I think it's hard not to expect family members to love you or be good to you: they've seen you from up close for most of your life, their loving you is kind of what's supposed to happen, and so their rejection feels stronger than some random person's. So let him out of your family. Let go of the habit of looking up to him, however subconsciously, for approval, and cut him out of your life (metaphorically, of course, since you'll still have to deal with him in practicality.)
There's a lot of advice on metafilter to cut people out and it almost always seems really callous and extreme to me. In this case it seems right.
posted by egg drop at 1:16 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Disclaimer: I'm projecting (but my perception of the situation may be reasonably accurate anyway).
Stay out of her relationship with your brother as much as possible.
I did much the same when my mother was dying, and my selfish and worthless brother did little more than go on with his life as though nothing was happening, only resenting the imposition of her illness despite actually living with her (I moved in [to take care of her] at her request). There was no real money, but he certainly took advantage of her as much as possible. I repeatedly attempted to tell her to, "wise up", but the outcome was her refusal to acknowledge his shortcomings, and my determination to, "help" her in this regard only actually caused her further pain. Some people prefer their illusions, OP; if your mother is one of them, you can love and care for her without attempting to completely dispel them.
Ultimately, it's her money, and unless she's suffering with dementia, it's hers to do with as she pleases...irrespective your opinion of your brother and his motives.
posted by Nibiru at 2:15 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Stay out of her relationship with your brother as much as possible.
I did much the same when my mother was dying, and my selfish and worthless brother did little more than go on with his life as though nothing was happening, only resenting the imposition of her illness despite actually living with her (I moved in [to take care of her] at her request). There was no real money, but he certainly took advantage of her as much as possible. I repeatedly attempted to tell her to, "wise up", but the outcome was her refusal to acknowledge his shortcomings, and my determination to, "help" her in this regard only actually caused her further pain. Some people prefer their illusions, OP; if your mother is one of them, you can love and care for her without attempting to completely dispel them.
Ultimately, it's her money, and unless she's suffering with dementia, it's hers to do with as she pleases...irrespective your opinion of your brother and his motives.
posted by Nibiru at 2:15 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nthing the estate planning advice. Get the legal stuff set up and the estate tied up. Even if your mother wants to provide for your brother, at least she can do so in a way that makes sure you and she have primary control over the estate while she's alive, so that his leeching behavior doesn't ruin her chances for comfortable final years.
If you do go that route, it's pretty important to abide by the terms of the trust/estate strictly, so that your brother won't have any ammunition later to dispute the settlement of the estate when your mother finally passes.
I'm sorry about the horrible relationship, though: I definitely think seeing a therapist to develop some tools to protect yourself from him might be useful.
posted by suelac at 11:23 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you do go that route, it's pretty important to abide by the terms of the trust/estate strictly, so that your brother won't have any ammunition later to dispute the settlement of the estate when your mother finally passes.
I'm sorry about the horrible relationship, though: I definitely think seeing a therapist to develop some tools to protect yourself from him might be useful.
posted by suelac at 11:23 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thats brilliant. It seems every aspect of my problem has been addressed in some way and every one of you have given me a great start in working this out.
(I have to say, the most astonishing part for me is that I was so not expecting the "cut him out of your life" aspect, yet had a major revelation that it was exactly what I have wanted to do for quite some time. It was just completely hidden under the "but he's my sick brother; I've got to wait here just in case he needs me one day" guilt-ridden sister thing. Jeez.... took me long enough, eh?)
Thank you all, very much.
posted by Brecha at 9:17 PM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
(I have to say, the most astonishing part for me is that I was so not expecting the "cut him out of your life" aspect, yet had a major revelation that it was exactly what I have wanted to do for quite some time. It was just completely hidden under the "but he's my sick brother; I've got to wait here just in case he needs me one day" guilt-ridden sister thing. Jeez.... took me long enough, eh?)
Thank you all, very much.
posted by Brecha at 9:17 PM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have family members who can be nasty. I have found the response, "You know, you don't have to be nasty about it," very helpful. Depending on the situation and the company, you can replace "nasty" with "mean," "rude," "an asshole," etc.
Agree with above advice to stay out of his life as much as you can, get your mom's estate in a lawyer's hands ASAP, and seek therapy for yourself.
posted by elizeh at 7:35 AM on September 29, 2013
Agree with above advice to stay out of his life as much as you can, get your mom's estate in a lawyer's hands ASAP, and seek therapy for yourself.
posted by elizeh at 7:35 AM on September 29, 2013
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Mostly though, I think you need to do your best to not allow him any power over you. Don't allow such a cruel and selfish person to impact how you see yourself, how you see your history and your interactions with your family. He sounds toxic, nobody would blame you for cutting him out completely instead of trying to alter yourself by 'growing a backbone'.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 1:50 PM on September 27, 2013