Wow, it's beautiful, please can I take it back?
September 24, 2013 8:59 AM Subscribe
For a sentimental family occasion, my inlaws got me a very sweet present of some expensive jewelry-- after being told very clearly that I don't like expensive jewelry and don't really wear it. How terrible would it be (politically, ethically, relationally) if I were to return the item in question to the store?
My spouse's parents are lovely people, and we get along well. They're also very generous about giving gifts-- not just for official occasions like birthdays, but when they arrive on visits and "just because." They can be somewhat... strong-minded in their generosity (at the latest visit, for instance, we begged them to please please not bring any more toys for our kid, because she has a billion and we have NO MORE ROOM, and just their presence was enough. They showed up with a princess-themed toy in hand [there have been a number of prior conversations about how we hate princess culture and try to shield our daughter from it] and were all, "I know you said no more toys, but we saw this and thought it was cute...").
My issue at present: we recently had a new baby. About a week afterwards, I had the following conversation with my husband (H):
H: So my parents called and wanted to know what kind of jewelry you like. They want to get you something as a "push present" for the baby.
B: Ack, really? I seriously don't like jewelry-- please don't let them get me any jewelry. I would just end up losing it. It's so totally sweet of them, but I really really don't need any kind of present.
H: I know, I told them you didn't like jewelry and didn't wear it.
B: Cool, then. Phew. Because seriously, that would be terrible. They're not going to do this, are they?
H: No, I told them. Don't worry.
I thought at the time that the matter was sorted; but this week, lo and behold, the inlaws proudly presented me with a very expensive ($500!) piece of jewelry. They seemed very excited about the design and had a cute story about having gone to two different jewelry counters to find just the perfect thing, etc. Of course I thanked them effusively at the time, wore the piece conspicuously out the next day, and so forth; and I will be sending an enthusiastic and heartfelt thank-you note, because it really was a lovely gesture. On the other hand.. the piece, while pretty, is similar in profile to something else I have, plus not really my style, plus too effing expensive for my small-item-losing, scatterbrained self. Realistically, I will never wear this in everyday life.
Here's the rub: I have gift receipts for the jewelry, and when the inlaws were giving it they did make the obligatory "But of course, if you don't like it, you can take it back and get something else..." gesture. My question is, can I actually do this? It seems so tacky and ungrateful to return a sentimental, highly thought-out special-occasion gift and use the credit to buy towels or whatever. But.. I didn't want the jewelry, and they knew I didn't want the jewelry, because we told them. I already feel fairly uncomfortable that they spent so much money on me; the frustration of knowing that that money was effectively thrown away, particularly when there are a number of things that I would LOVE to have $500 for (heck, I'd be happiest just to have them take the $500 back, although I fear there's no way to make that happen), is seriously messing with my head. What should I do? (And more broadly, what is up with otherwise-delightful people like this? Is their vision of their gift really more important than anything they know about the actual preferences of the receiver?)
Any perspectives, suggestions or insights would be great. Thanks, MeFi!
My spouse's parents are lovely people, and we get along well. They're also very generous about giving gifts-- not just for official occasions like birthdays, but when they arrive on visits and "just because." They can be somewhat... strong-minded in their generosity (at the latest visit, for instance, we begged them to please please not bring any more toys for our kid, because she has a billion and we have NO MORE ROOM, and just their presence was enough. They showed up with a princess-themed toy in hand [there have been a number of prior conversations about how we hate princess culture and try to shield our daughter from it] and were all, "I know you said no more toys, but we saw this and thought it was cute...").
My issue at present: we recently had a new baby. About a week afterwards, I had the following conversation with my husband (H):
H: So my parents called and wanted to know what kind of jewelry you like. They want to get you something as a "push present" for the baby.
B: Ack, really? I seriously don't like jewelry-- please don't let them get me any jewelry. I would just end up losing it. It's so totally sweet of them, but I really really don't need any kind of present.
H: I know, I told them you didn't like jewelry and didn't wear it.
B: Cool, then. Phew. Because seriously, that would be terrible. They're not going to do this, are they?
H: No, I told them. Don't worry.
I thought at the time that the matter was sorted; but this week, lo and behold, the inlaws proudly presented me with a very expensive ($500!) piece of jewelry. They seemed very excited about the design and had a cute story about having gone to two different jewelry counters to find just the perfect thing, etc. Of course I thanked them effusively at the time, wore the piece conspicuously out the next day, and so forth; and I will be sending an enthusiastic and heartfelt thank-you note, because it really was a lovely gesture. On the other hand.. the piece, while pretty, is similar in profile to something else I have, plus not really my style, plus too effing expensive for my small-item-losing, scatterbrained self. Realistically, I will never wear this in everyday life.
Here's the rub: I have gift receipts for the jewelry, and when the inlaws were giving it they did make the obligatory "But of course, if you don't like it, you can take it back and get something else..." gesture. My question is, can I actually do this? It seems so tacky and ungrateful to return a sentimental, highly thought-out special-occasion gift and use the credit to buy towels or whatever. But.. I didn't want the jewelry, and they knew I didn't want the jewelry, because we told them. I already feel fairly uncomfortable that they spent so much money on me; the frustration of knowing that that money was effectively thrown away, particularly when there are a number of things that I would LOVE to have $500 for (heck, I'd be happiest just to have them take the $500 back, although I fear there's no way to make that happen), is seriously messing with my head. What should I do? (And more broadly, what is up with otherwise-delightful people like this? Is their vision of their gift really more important than anything they know about the actual preferences of the receiver?)
Any perspectives, suggestions or insights would be great. Thanks, MeFi!
If they gave you the gift receipt, then I think you totally could return it. You're probably not going to get cash, but if there's $500 worth of stuff you could get at that store that you'd actually use, then hey, go for it.
What about saying the jewelry for your daughter to wear? Give it to her for an early birthday (14, 15). She would probably be thrilled to have something so nice with history, and you won't have to feel terrible if she loses it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:10 AM on September 24, 2013 [25 favorites]
What about saying the jewelry for your daughter to wear? Give it to her for an early birthday (14, 15). She would probably be thrilled to have something so nice with history, and you won't have to feel terrible if she loses it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:10 AM on September 24, 2013 [25 favorites]
YMMV, but I currently wear a pendant which my father bought for my (jewelry-eschewing) late mother. It was a gift of love, and although she never wore it, I quite like it, and wearing it reminds me of the love my parents had for one another, even though their taste diverged. You mention your new baby as being a "she" and I wonder if its possible that she may one day enjoy this item, and perhaps pass it on to your grandchild? Knowing my father, at least, he would have been quite upset/hurt (but would have hidden it well) if my mother had returned the pendant for cash rather than simply keeping it as a symbol of his affection...
posted by pammeke at 9:11 AM on September 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by pammeke at 9:11 AM on September 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
I'm a gift-giving person. I think a gift is given freely or it is not a gift at all. The recipient of one of my gifts has no obligation to me apart from a "thanks". If they want to sell it, chuck it in the trash, set it on fire, or cherish it always, it's entirely up to them. If they included the receipt, and you can get something you're actually happy about in exchange, use it. In my gift-giving life I've come across people who have lots of guilt and obligations wrapped up with the experience of getting a gift. It's not worth it on either end.
As for them giving you things when you specifically didn't want something, I think you need to be more hard-lined about this. I know some very good people who have tried to fill my life with (lovely, valuable, thoughtful!) clutter when they know very well that that's the last thing I need. You know what I did? I refused to accept their gift. I actually said "I'm sorry but I can't accept this" and they asked why, I said why, and then upon leaving their home I left the gift there. You could have refused to accept the toy they got for your daughter, insisted that they keep it with their luggage, that they take it home and donate it to a toy drive. This is a very strong statement and can start fights, but if you can manage to stay calm and rational through it, and otherwise very kind, it will make an extremely solid point, and their behavior will change.
posted by Mizu at 9:12 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
As for them giving you things when you specifically didn't want something, I think you need to be more hard-lined about this. I know some very good people who have tried to fill my life with (lovely, valuable, thoughtful!) clutter when they know very well that that's the last thing I need. You know what I did? I refused to accept their gift. I actually said "I'm sorry but I can't accept this" and they asked why, I said why, and then upon leaving their home I left the gift there. You could have refused to accept the toy they got for your daughter, insisted that they keep it with their luggage, that they take it home and donate it to a toy drive. This is a very strong statement and can start fights, but if you can manage to stay calm and rational through it, and otherwise very kind, it will make an extremely solid point, and their behavior will change.
posted by Mizu at 9:12 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Eh, just return it. Especially since they told you you could return it! Also, this:
Of course I thanked them effusively at the time, wore the piece conspicuously out the next day, and so forth;
You're encouraging them to keep doing it! Of course, thank them for thinking of you and going to all that effort, of course write a note and all of that. But don't mention the unwanted present itself, and don't wear it. Just say "Wow thanks that is so sweet of you!" and go exchange it. Same with the toys, etc.
Personally I think there's something aggressive and controlling about buying people things you know they don't want, so I'd have no problem taking it right back. Unless it's simply that they're super flaky, in which case they'll forget they bought it anyway.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 9:12 AM on September 24, 2013 [9 favorites]
Of course I thanked them effusively at the time, wore the piece conspicuously out the next day, and so forth;
You're encouraging them to keep doing it! Of course, thank them for thinking of you and going to all that effort, of course write a note and all of that. But don't mention the unwanted present itself, and don't wear it. Just say "Wow thanks that is so sweet of you!" and go exchange it. Same with the toys, etc.
Personally I think there's something aggressive and controlling about buying people things you know they don't want, so I'd have no problem taking it right back. Unless it's simply that they're super flaky, in which case they'll forget they bought it anyway.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 9:12 AM on September 24, 2013 [9 favorites]
I would suggest to you that you save the jewelry for your children. You may not want it but maybe your children will when they are older. By saving it for your children you would satisfy your in-laws' sentimentality and avoid any confrontation.
If you would have preferred a different gift then in the future provide guidance on what you would like so gift giving, if unavoidable, can at least be more to your taste.
posted by jadepearl at 9:13 AM on September 24, 2013 [15 favorites]
If you would have preferred a different gift then in the future provide guidance on what you would like so gift giving, if unavoidable, can at least be more to your taste.
posted by jadepearl at 9:13 AM on September 24, 2013 [15 favorites]
I think it is perfectly acceptable to return it and get something you do want.
Things I do not think you should do:
1. Make a point of telling them that you returned their gift and got something else you like better, no matter how boorish their gift giving policies are.
2. Try to return the money to them. That would be even ruder than them giving them a gift you didn't want.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:15 AM on September 24, 2013 [7 favorites]
Things I do not think you should do:
1. Make a point of telling them that you returned their gift and got something else you like better, no matter how boorish their gift giving policies are.
2. Try to return the money to them. That would be even ruder than them giving them a gift you didn't want.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:15 AM on September 24, 2013 [7 favorites]
I would not return it. But then, I don't return gifts basically ever.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:16 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by leahwrenn at 9:16 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have to say there's something about the repeated gift giving despite clearly stated objections that makes it seem like more than just an overly generous spirit. I have had experience in my own family of gift giving and gift refusing being used as a way to gain emotional leverage over people. The fact your in laws repeatedly ignore your wishes is kind of disrespectful.
I would return the gift and I would tell them that you did and why. You don't have to be short or mean about it. Express your gratitude and tell them again why you returned it and your broader feelings about gift giving.
If you keep accepting gifts you don't want, they're going to keep giving them.
posted by brookeb at 9:17 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would return the gift and I would tell them that you did and why. You don't have to be short or mean about it. Express your gratitude and tell them again why you returned it and your broader feelings about gift giving.
If you keep accepting gifts you don't want, they're going to keep giving them.
posted by brookeb at 9:17 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would suggest to you that you save the jewelry for your children. You may not want it but maybe your children will when they are older.
I'll second this, as a follow-up to my original comment. My grandmother died before I was born and I would kill to have some of her jewelry.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:18 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'll second this, as a follow-up to my original comment. My grandmother died before I was born and I would kill to have some of her jewelry.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:18 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
Return it, put the cash aside, and use it to buy them something horribly expensive that they clearly don't need for Christmas.
posted by flabdablet at 9:21 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:21 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think if they're the type to ask you about the jewelry later (like, "and you can wear that necklace we got you when we see you next!" or something like that) then I would hang onto it, just in case.
If they tend to buy you things and not check in about it later, I would just return it and get something I'm more into, especially if there is something I really, really need or a bill that could be paid off.
posted by smirkyfodder at 9:23 AM on September 24, 2013
If they tend to buy you things and not check in about it later, I would just return it and get something I'm more into, especially if there is something I really, really need or a bill that could be paid off.
posted by smirkyfodder at 9:23 AM on September 24, 2013
Sounds like they're misdirected but they mean well. Flip it and see how you feel: say you really, really, really enjoy cuisine X and think it's wonderful and healthful and everyone would enjoy it if they just gave it a chance so you make a special anniversary dinner for your in laws and their closest friends and include a gift basket if deserts and treats. Would you want them to try to appreciate the gesture? And if they did that, would you then be more likely to be respectful and understanding when they told you that butter nut squash upsets their tummy (in a way that made it clear upset was a polite way of saying raging diarrhea) and pine nuts stick in their dentures snd otherwise help you understand they KNOW you tbink this food is a wonderful and loving thing but they are mire comfortable with other types of intimacy.
Find a middle ground, us what I'm saying. You have different love languages and responding so negatively to their love is not a great idea.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
Find a middle ground, us what I'm saying. You have different love languages and responding so negatively to their love is not a great idea.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
Keep it for your children.
1. This honors the sentiment of the gift.
2. You don't have to wear it or risk losing it.
3. You will have a wonderful heirloom for a daughter (or daughter-in-law, or grand-daughter).
posted by DWRoelands at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2013 [10 favorites]
1. This honors the sentiment of the gift.
2. You don't have to wear it or risk losing it.
3. You will have a wonderful heirloom for a daughter (or daughter-in-law, or grand-daughter).
posted by DWRoelands at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2013 [10 favorites]
I'd return it - I know how far $500 can go, and I'm sure you could use it since you just had a baby! However, if you can only get store credit and that won't help you, you could save the item for your daughter. I tend to be scatterbrained as well, so if it were me, I'd put it in our firesafe. I only go in there a few times a year (to switch out the insurance paperwork) so I'd be less likely to lose it, and one of those times when your daughter is a teenager, you will find it and remember to give it to her.
Good luck no matter which route you choose! I understand the whole "thanking effusively and wearing it in public" thing. It's considered good manners where I'm from, even if you don't like the thing or didn't want it in the first place.
posted by RogueTech at 9:25 AM on September 24, 2013
Good luck no matter which route you choose! I understand the whole "thanking effusively and wearing it in public" thing. It's considered good manners where I'm from, even if you don't like the thing or didn't want it in the first place.
posted by RogueTech at 9:25 AM on September 24, 2013
As someone who hates gifts, particularly expensive ones, I feel your pain. However, I have come to realize that rejecting gifts is ultimately a selfish act, just as foisting gifts on others is selfish in its own way. Please try to be gracious about this, it's their way of thanking you for giving them a grandchild. And honestly, $500 is not that much money for a piece of jewellery. You pretty much can't get anything half-decent for less than that. Save it for the baby if you really can't bear to wear it, but don't be a boor and return it to the store. It's really bad form.
posted by Dragonness at 9:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by Dragonness at 9:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [12 favorites]
I'm with the folks saying keep it for your children.
As we say in the South, "Bless their hearts."
Yeah, it's a bit narcissistic to buy presents that please the giver and not the receiver.
One thing you might do to dissuade them in the future, "You know Mom and Dad, it's so lovely, but as you know, I'm just not a jewelry person. I'm putting it away for Tabitha and she can wear it when she gets older."
You've made your preferences known, they have no expectation that you'll wear it (and hence, won't be looking for it upon your person when they visit,) and you're appreciating the item in the spirit in which it was intended.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
As we say in the South, "Bless their hearts."
Yeah, it's a bit narcissistic to buy presents that please the giver and not the receiver.
One thing you might do to dissuade them in the future, "You know Mom and Dad, it's so lovely, but as you know, I'm just not a jewelry person. I'm putting it away for Tabitha and she can wear it when she gets older."
You've made your preferences known, they have no expectation that you'll wear it (and hence, won't be looking for it upon your person when they visit,) and you're appreciating the item in the spirit in which it was intended.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
Return it only if there are other things in the shop you have use for, or if you are given a cash refund.
I agree with brookeb's point that their continued persistence in giving you things you have SPECIFICALLY requested NOT to be given is troubling and pretty irritating, especially since it points to the possibility of future problems as your kid(s) get older. It's disrespectful of you as an individual and of you and your husband as parents, and you should try, as a couple, to address it before it gets out of hand.
posted by elizardbits at 9:29 AM on September 24, 2013 [10 favorites]
I agree with brookeb's point that their continued persistence in giving you things you have SPECIFICALLY requested NOT to be given is troubling and pretty irritating, especially since it points to the possibility of future problems as your kid(s) get older. It's disrespectful of you as an individual and of you and your husband as parents, and you should try, as a couple, to address it before it gets out of hand.
posted by elizardbits at 9:29 AM on September 24, 2013 [10 favorites]
If people don't respect your stated preferences, then you should have no compunction about accepting it graciously - and then turning around and returning/reselling whatever. You could refuse to accept the gift, but it's just often not worth the bother.
A friend of mine, despite repeated attempts, can't dissuade her mom from buying her daughter lots of clothes. 90% get recycled into the community very quickly, so they're still doing someone good.
posted by canine epigram at 9:32 AM on September 24, 2013
A friend of mine, despite repeated attempts, can't dissuade her mom from buying her daughter lots of clothes. 90% get recycled into the community very quickly, so they're still doing someone good.
posted by canine epigram at 9:32 AM on September 24, 2013
Do your in-laws know what you do like? Next time have your husband suggest alternatives when they announce their plans to buy you jewelry or something else you have no interest in. Gift-giving types are going to gift, so it may as well be something that you really will enjoy. I would keep the current gift if I were you. I suspect that in the future you will see it as a memento of them and of your child's birth.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:32 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Wordwoman at 9:32 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
I think if it's really nice, you could set it aside for your daughter(s?) for when they are old enough to possibly want it.
posted by zizzle at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2013
posted by zizzle at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2013
If it has a stone, you could also reset it as a piece of jewelry you like better (ring or pin), but I really like the save it for your daughter thing.
Per the other toys; accept them, and then either donate it (if your kid doesn't care about it or is young enough not to notice it) or donate some other extra toys to make room for it.
People LOVE buying toys. LOVE it. It is not a battle you can win. Just donate the extras and as your kid gets older, involve them in being generous by passing on toys they don't want. I speak from experience on this one.
posted by emjaybee at 9:37 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
Per the other toys; accept them, and then either donate it (if your kid doesn't care about it or is young enough not to notice it) or donate some other extra toys to make room for it.
People LOVE buying toys. LOVE it. It is not a battle you can win. Just donate the extras and as your kid gets older, involve them in being generous by passing on toys they don't want. I speak from experience on this one.
posted by emjaybee at 9:37 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
One thing you might do to dissuade them in the future, "You know Mom and Dad, it's so lovely, but as you know, I'm just not a jewelry person. I'm putting it away for Tabitha and she can wear it when she gets older."
This is excellent.
I think it depends on how much you need the stuff the $500 would buy. If you really don't have the money to buy good basics (not a parsimonious "I don't have the money for the sale shelf at Target" but "I don't have the money for good-quality, long-lasting basic household items that would be used all the time") then trade it in. If you would just be using the $500 for things that you would like but don't need and could maybe afford anyway over time, keep the necklace.
I've inherited lots of bits and bobs from family - some valuable, some just old - and I really enjoy having this random assortment of things from our history. Family things that can last a few generations are nice, especially when they're small and portable. (Giant family antiques? Lovely but awkward! Difficult to store, insure and care for! Make it hard to travel or live abroad! A couple of boxes of jewelry, tchotchkes and so on? Lovely! I have, for instance, a set of mother-of-pearl opera glasses that my great-aunt bought on her trip to Paris in the thirties before the war, an Edwardian bar pin from (probably) my great-great aunt Helen, my grandmother's rings and my great aunt's best friend's little cloisonne jar from a trip to Asia in the fifties - they all fit on a shelf and I could pack them up in a moment, but they're wonderful little treasures.)
posted by Frowner at 9:37 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Number one, they specifically told you you could return it, so do so. Don't tell them unless they ask, and if they do just say, "yes, expensive jewellery is not really my thing, so I did end up returning it. Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness."
They are specifically giving you gifts that they know you will not like, apparently because they know you won't like them. This is at the very least controlling and antagonistic.
I suggest that in the future you have long conversations with them that lead them to believe your preferences are the opposite of what they actually are.
Unless: is it possible they're trying to indirectly give you money?
posted by tel3path at 9:40 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
They are specifically giving you gifts that they know you will not like, apparently because they know you won't like them. This is at the very least controlling and antagonistic.
I suggest that in the future you have long conversations with them that lead them to believe your preferences are the opposite of what they actually are.
Unless: is it possible they're trying to indirectly give you money?
posted by tel3path at 9:40 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
> Is their vision of their gift really more important than anything they know about the actual preferences of the receiver?
Yes.
> If you keep accepting gifts you don't want, they're going to keep giving them.
This is my SO's view. My mom's gifts usually miss the mark, by a lot. For awhile I took my SO's advice and tried being honest with her about why her gift wasn't right for me, and she was very open to my exchanging it for something I liked. But then she just kept getting it wrong and to keep telling her so was making me feel like a very bad ungrateful person. So I went back to just thanking her sincerely, and donating or re-gifting the things I can't use so that somebody benefits.
I'd keep the necklace and put it away for your daughter. At 14 or 16 she might be thrilled to have it. In they unlikely event that your in-laws ask you about it, you can say "Oh that's far too nice to wear; I would lose it. It's safe in my jewelry box." If they feel bad that their gift is not being used: well, you TOLD them before they bought it. Maybe they will get the hint that you meant what you said. Maybe not. Whatever.
Also, forget about how much it cost. Not your problem.
posted by evilmomlady at 9:43 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes.
> If you keep accepting gifts you don't want, they're going to keep giving them.
This is my SO's view. My mom's gifts usually miss the mark, by a lot. For awhile I took my SO's advice and tried being honest with her about why her gift wasn't right for me, and she was very open to my exchanging it for something I liked. But then she just kept getting it wrong and to keep telling her so was making me feel like a very bad ungrateful person. So I went back to just thanking her sincerely, and donating or re-gifting the things I can't use so that somebody benefits.
I'd keep the necklace and put it away for your daughter. At 14 or 16 she might be thrilled to have it. In they unlikely event that your in-laws ask you about it, you can say "Oh that's far too nice to wear; I would lose it. It's safe in my jewelry box." If they feel bad that their gift is not being used: well, you TOLD them before they bought it. Maybe they will get the hint that you meant what you said. Maybe not. Whatever.
Also, forget about how much it cost. Not your problem.
posted by evilmomlady at 9:43 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't consider $500 jewelry pretty pedestrian, FWIW.
I know, the jewelry is just not you. I feel you. I am a bit rigid about this gift stuff; I don't believe in returning or regifting, probably because I put a lot of thought into gifts I give people and I would be hurt if I knew the person hated the gift. Personally, I would find a nice safe place to keep it and maybe bring it out when the in-laws visit, but that's just me.
I think your in-laws sound like well-meaning, generous people who are sadly lacking in empathy. They want to help in some way, and these gifts are how they do that. I bet they felt they were being very good by bringing that princess-themed gift, for instance, because it was only ONE toy, and you said you had a lot. See? we're listening!
The way to deal with this in the future, though, that I can help with. We have some well-meaning but clueless gift-givers here, too. In my experience, They're not going to accept, "We don't need anything, thanks." Also, what you think is princess-themed may seem obvious to you, but they just might not get it, or else not have a clue about what to get instead.
Personally, I've found the only thing that works is to give very SPECIFIC gift suggestions instead. I'd have a modest list of SPECIFIC things you and/or baby really want set aside so that you can refer to it (i.e., we have been eyeing this safari-printed stroller from Acme Baby Products over at Target, look, see, here it is in this picture!). It's not greedy to be prepared when they ask, it's just realistic. Trust me, they WANT to give you a gift. This way, you get something you'll actually use.
Heck, why not work their generosity in your favor?
"We'll, you know, Mom and Dad, what we really would love is just some time out as a couple. We just really don't seem to be able to get out much these days, what with baby and all. I mean, it's not like we would trust just anyone with baby, you know? I don't know how you and Dad did it. You guys were so great with us kids. Hey, which reminds me, when are you guys are coming up for a visit? Baby sure misses her grandparents! You know, they grow so fast..."
Heh. If they don't pick up on THAT clue, They're hopeless.
posted by misha at 9:48 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
I know, the jewelry is just not you. I feel you. I am a bit rigid about this gift stuff; I don't believe in returning or regifting, probably because I put a lot of thought into gifts I give people and I would be hurt if I knew the person hated the gift. Personally, I would find a nice safe place to keep it and maybe bring it out when the in-laws visit, but that's just me.
I think your in-laws sound like well-meaning, generous people who are sadly lacking in empathy. They want to help in some way, and these gifts are how they do that. I bet they felt they were being very good by bringing that princess-themed gift, for instance, because it was only ONE toy, and you said you had a lot. See? we're listening!
The way to deal with this in the future, though, that I can help with. We have some well-meaning but clueless gift-givers here, too. In my experience, They're not going to accept, "We don't need anything, thanks." Also, what you think is princess-themed may seem obvious to you, but they just might not get it, or else not have a clue about what to get instead.
Personally, I've found the only thing that works is to give very SPECIFIC gift suggestions instead. I'd have a modest list of SPECIFIC things you and/or baby really want set aside so that you can refer to it (i.e., we have been eyeing this safari-printed stroller from Acme Baby Products over at Target, look, see, here it is in this picture!). It's not greedy to be prepared when they ask, it's just realistic. Trust me, they WANT to give you a gift. This way, you get something you'll actually use.
Heck, why not work their generosity in your favor?
"We'll, you know, Mom and Dad, what we really would love is just some time out as a couple. We just really don't seem to be able to get out much these days, what with baby and all. I mean, it's not like we would trust just anyone with baby, you know? I don't know how you and Dad did it. You guys were so great with us kids. Hey, which reminds me, when are you guys are coming up for a visit? Baby sure misses her grandparents! You know, they grow so fast..."
Heh. If they don't pick up on THAT clue, They're hopeless.
posted by misha at 9:48 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
My question is, can I actually do this? It seems so tacky and ungrateful to return a sentimental, highly thought-out special-occasion gift and use the credit to buy towels or whatever. Yes, you can really do this. Saving it for your daughter would be nice, too. You could respect the intent of the gift and use the money to buy a piece of art, or some other luxury item. If you return it, use the money for something you want/need, and they learn of it, it will discourage them from buying you more jewelry.
Plus, I would've told daughter the princess crap was for her to use while Gram and Gramp were visiting, and promptly taken it back or to Goodwill. I asked people not to give my child war toys, so the tank got left behind at Gran's. Didn't stop him form joining the military, but my house, my values. There's a *tiny* bit of passive-aggression in their gift-giving. I wouldn't dwell on that, but I would also feel free to return a gift that was given knowing it was something I explicitly did not want.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Plus, I would've told daughter the princess crap was for her to use while Gram and Gramp were visiting, and promptly taken it back or to Goodwill. I asked people not to give my child war toys, so the tank got left behind at Gran's. Didn't stop him form joining the military, but my house, my values. There's a *tiny* bit of passive-aggression in their gift-giving. I wouldn't dwell on that, but I would also feel free to return a gift that was given knowing it was something I explicitly did not want.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think its extremely insensitive when someone gives you something even though you've specifically asked them not to. I'd return it with no qualms. I also wouldn't consider the gift to be thoughtful or generous. I'd consider it manipulative and controlling . At the very least its blatant disregard for your expressed wishes, so essentially thoughtless. Shame on them!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:53 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:53 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm not saying you have to keep jewelry if you really NEVER wear it, but something doesn't need to be used every day to be nice to have. Do you ever dress up for a special occasion? Is the jewelry something you can wear in those moments? If so, I'd get a jewelry box (if I didn't already have one) and keep it for those rare dress-up days, then maybe gift to your daughter when she's older.
posted by misskaz at 9:55 AM on September 24, 2013
posted by misskaz at 9:55 AM on September 24, 2013
Another vote for keeping the jewelry for your children. Their grandparents will be gone one day and having a specially chosen piece of jewelry that marked the birth of one of the kids is a special thing to hand down. I don't think that they're being malicious or passive-aggressive. They seem like they're over-excited about you and the kids and are channeling their enthusiasm into trying to spoil you.
If they insist on getting gifts for the kiddos despite your requests that they not, perhaps redirect them toward getting books? Books are a great gift for kids and can easily be passed on to friends and/or shelters that serve families. Plus, they take up far less room than toys.
posted by quince at 9:55 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
If they insist on getting gifts for the kiddos despite your requests that they not, perhaps redirect them toward getting books? Books are a great gift for kids and can easily be passed on to friends and/or shelters that serve families. Plus, they take up far less room than toys.
posted by quince at 9:55 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
It was not nice of them to ignore your objections, but please do keep in mind that in some family cultures one is SUPPOSED to verbally reject the offer of an expensive gift, even if one really wants said gift, as a standard of politeness, and this tradition, if it exists in your husband's family, might be confusing his parents about what you really want (especially if they are of the opinion that every woman likes expensive jewelry, which is a thing some people just believe really strongly, even though it is clearly not true).
I feel you on this, because I'm not a fan of expensive jewelry myself as I'm also prone to lose things, and besides I think jewelry prices are ridiculously inflated. It took me years myself to convince my husband (my husband! not even his family) that I was actually telling the truth about not liking expensive jewelry (especially since I MAKE jewelry sometimes as a hobby; that confused him even more). It's not that my husband is particularly dense or uncaring; it's just that he'd really been deeply influenced by the cultural expectation that women should like expensive jewelry and people who care about women should give it to them, and it took him a while to shake the idea.
Unless you really need the money you could get from returning the gift, I agree with the others who say you should set it aside someplace safe to save for your daughter it case it turns out that one day it appeals to her tastes. If the in-laws ask later about the gift, tell them that is what you have done with it. I know how you feel about the "wasted" money, but the fact is, it wasn't your money to waste in the first place. You would not, I presume, tell your husband's family how to spend their own money on themselves (unless they were doing something really dangerous or stupid with it). I propose you think of the gift as a silly extravagance they bought for themselves, because they clearly weren't thinking about what you really wanted when they got you a gift you had specifically asked them not to. And then stop worrying about the money they spent, because it was not your choice to spend it.
(On the stupid plastic toys situation, I've been fighting a legion of family on this for 9 years now with my kid, and I've realized that it's mostly hopeless. Donate, donate, donate. And remember that unless you move to a cabin in the wilderness, your child will be exposed to a variety of cultural views on gender no matter what you do; have faith in your ability to guide her in your own family values so that she will be able to resist negative messages from other people.)
posted by BlueJae at 9:57 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
I feel you on this, because I'm not a fan of expensive jewelry myself as I'm also prone to lose things, and besides I think jewelry prices are ridiculously inflated. It took me years myself to convince my husband (my husband! not even his family) that I was actually telling the truth about not liking expensive jewelry (especially since I MAKE jewelry sometimes as a hobby; that confused him even more). It's not that my husband is particularly dense or uncaring; it's just that he'd really been deeply influenced by the cultural expectation that women should like expensive jewelry and people who care about women should give it to them, and it took him a while to shake the idea.
Unless you really need the money you could get from returning the gift, I agree with the others who say you should set it aside someplace safe to save for your daughter it case it turns out that one day it appeals to her tastes. If the in-laws ask later about the gift, tell them that is what you have done with it. I know how you feel about the "wasted" money, but the fact is, it wasn't your money to waste in the first place. You would not, I presume, tell your husband's family how to spend their own money on themselves (unless they were doing something really dangerous or stupid with it). I propose you think of the gift as a silly extravagance they bought for themselves, because they clearly weren't thinking about what you really wanted when they got you a gift you had specifically asked them not to. And then stop worrying about the money they spent, because it was not your choice to spend it.
(On the stupid plastic toys situation, I've been fighting a legion of family on this for 9 years now with my kid, and I've realized that it's mostly hopeless. Donate, donate, donate. And remember that unless you move to a cabin in the wilderness, your child will be exposed to a variety of cultural views on gender no matter what you do; have faith in your ability to guide her in your own family values so that she will be able to resist negative messages from other people.)
posted by BlueJae at 9:57 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ethically, it is of course yours to return and wouldn't be wrong. Frankly, giving a gift that's impractical especially when told not to is rude. Politically...the very fact that you're asking this even though they said you can return it if you would like leads me to believe that you know in your heart they would not take it as well as they say; you know your in laws better than us, and they ignored the request in the first place. If it were your aunt or even one of your own parents I would say you should return it, but with in-laws it might be more weird tension than it's worth. Keep it, even in a safe deposit box if you have one, and either offer it to your children or eventually sell it. Just remember that you didn't lose $500 dollars; they probably weren't going to hand you a check or buy you $500 worth of necessary baby items if they had listened, but now you or your kids will have something you can pawn/sell someday if necessary. One of your children could even have it melted down and made into weddings bands or something someday saving them some cash, who knows?
posted by itsonreserve at 9:59 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by itsonreserve at 9:59 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not a jewelry person (I've managed to lose two wedding rings before just giving up on the whole convention), but it sounds like the gift is a way for your in-laws to celebrate the birth of your daughter. You have no obligation to keep it, but from your description, I wonder if the selection of the gift was an attempt to participate in the importance of the event in a way that they could - financially and aesthetically (maybe). I would set it aside for your daughter and consider the $500 something that you never had in the first place.
It sounds like their gift-giving is already out of hand, but I would treat this gift more delicately, given the circumstances.
posted by bibliowench at 10:05 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like their gift-giving is already out of hand, but I would treat this gift more delicately, given the circumstances.
posted by bibliowench at 10:05 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
As to all those suggestions that you view the gift-giving as bullying, or that you respond by deliberately getting them something they don't want(!), OP, please do remember that these are your in-laws. They are going to be in your lives for a long time.
It is easy to toss out advice over the internet when you know the advice is not going to affect you or your loved ones personally anyway. But it is not helpful.
OP, for the sake of your own sanity and that of everyone involved, I'd suggest the most pragmatic approach to family drama is to start out with the assumption that everyone acted with the best intentions, and respond accordingly.
posted by misha at 10:08 AM on September 24, 2013 [14 favorites]
It is easy to toss out advice over the internet when you know the advice is not going to affect you or your loved ones personally anyway. But it is not helpful.
OP, for the sake of your own sanity and that of everyone involved, I'd suggest the most pragmatic approach to family drama is to start out with the assumption that everyone acted with the best intentions, and respond accordingly.
posted by misha at 10:08 AM on September 24, 2013 [14 favorites]
I would keep the jewelry, because it's small and isn't clutter and you might want to wear it once in a while -- just toss it in the coffee can you use as a jewelry box (unless you're classier than I am and have an actual jewelry box). But I wouldn't judge you for returning it: if you're hurting for cash, feel free to return it. That's what gift receipts are for. If you think this is a test, then go ahead and fail it (from their perspective).
As far as the toys: my in-laws were super generous when their first grandchild was born, and were bringing him gifts every time they came over. We'd hinted that they shouldn't do that, but it didn't take until the time Mr Corpse intercepted them in the driveway before they could bring stuff in and said "No, gifts are only for Christmas and birthdays." He said it nicely, they took it well, the stuff went back in the car.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:12 AM on September 24, 2013
As far as the toys: my in-laws were super generous when their first grandchild was born, and were bringing him gifts every time they came over. We'd hinted that they shouldn't do that, but it didn't take until the time Mr Corpse intercepted them in the driveway before they could bring stuff in and said "No, gifts are only for Christmas and birthdays." He said it nicely, they took it well, the stuff went back in the car.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:12 AM on September 24, 2013
Giving gifts is a major way that some people show love to others. From the sounds of it, this is true for your in-laws. The gift is not really about the object, or its utility to you, it's just how they're saying "I love you."
In my experience, some of these people who say "I love you" by giving gifts are not great at picking out gifts with the recipient in mind. Though the gift-giving may come across as selfish, it can be attributed to the giver just being kinda dense in the gift-picking department, or having a different idea about the meaning of the gift than the recipient does. They may have put plenty of thought into it, even a lot of thought into what the recipient would like, but it just doesn't come across that way sometimes. From your description, this may well be true of your in-laws.
I think it's likely that your in-laws are attributing your comments to being polite. If they give gifts regularly to loved ones and friends, then they likely hear these kind of comments all the time, and many people who do enjoy the gifts say these kind of things to be polite.
If it REALLY is an issue for you, you might find a way to carefully and lovingly press the point. In that scenario, it may be best for your husband to take the lead.
posted by hootenatty at 10:26 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
In my experience, some of these people who say "I love you" by giving gifts are not great at picking out gifts with the recipient in mind. Though the gift-giving may come across as selfish, it can be attributed to the giver just being kinda dense in the gift-picking department, or having a different idea about the meaning of the gift than the recipient does. They may have put plenty of thought into it, even a lot of thought into what the recipient would like, but it just doesn't come across that way sometimes. From your description, this may well be true of your in-laws.
I think it's likely that your in-laws are attributing your comments to being polite. If they give gifts regularly to loved ones and friends, then they likely hear these kind of comments all the time, and many people who do enjoy the gifts say these kind of things to be polite.
If it REALLY is an issue for you, you might find a way to carefully and lovingly press the point. In that scenario, it may be best for your husband to take the lead.
posted by hootenatty at 10:26 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
A lot of families / cultures have the tradition that you give the daughter-in-law jewelry on certain occasions (engagement, wedding, first child, every child). Some are even more specific (pearls, a gold bangle, a locket). Since your husband made it clear that you are not a jewelry person and did not desire this gift, I suspect there is more baggage attached to it than a simple birthday or other present would hold.
So while I think it would be totally acceptable to exchange it for another piece of fine jewelry that is more your taste - even if it still goes back into a drawer for your daughter and you never wear it - I think returning it for cash or something more useful is missing the point of the gift. Because chances are, she wasn't giving you a present -- she was doing for you what her mother in law did (or didn't do) for her, and so on. It's saying that you're a link in a chain of connected women, and that this gift is a meant to be an emotional /symbolic one, not a rational / practical one. It's not a sign that "their vision of their gift [is] really more important than anything they know about the actual preferences of the receiver" or that they don't care about your desires or feelings. It could really be that for them there are some occasions that are bigger than gifts, and if the only appropriate way she/they know how to say "I am so happy for you right now and so thrilled to have reached this family occasion together that I could burst from it" is to buy you jewelry, because that's What Is Done, then the most generous thing you can do is to keep it for what it means, not for what it is. Respecting their desires the same way you want them to respect yours.
On the other hand, if this is just general cluelessness about what you like, and there's no cultural or family tradition also at work, maybe a conversation could help. The more effusive your thanks, the less likely anything will change.
posted by Mchelly at 10:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
So while I think it would be totally acceptable to exchange it for another piece of fine jewelry that is more your taste - even if it still goes back into a drawer for your daughter and you never wear it - I think returning it for cash or something more useful is missing the point of the gift. Because chances are, she wasn't giving you a present -- she was doing for you what her mother in law did (or didn't do) for her, and so on. It's saying that you're a link in a chain of connected women, and that this gift is a meant to be an emotional /symbolic one, not a rational / practical one. It's not a sign that "their vision of their gift [is] really more important than anything they know about the actual preferences of the receiver" or that they don't care about your desires or feelings. It could really be that for them there are some occasions that are bigger than gifts, and if the only appropriate way she/they know how to say "I am so happy for you right now and so thrilled to have reached this family occasion together that I could burst from it" is to buy you jewelry, because that's What Is Done, then the most generous thing you can do is to keep it for what it means, not for what it is. Respecting their desires the same way you want them to respect yours.
On the other hand, if this is just general cluelessness about what you like, and there's no cultural or family tradition also at work, maybe a conversation could help. The more effusive your thanks, the less likely anything will change.
posted by Mchelly at 10:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
Everyone who's saying keep it for your daughter...I don't know, when I was a kid there was no $500 piece of jewelry that would have been better for me (at the time, or as something to be saved for later) than my parents having an extra $500, or $500 worth of things they needed. (E.g., if this gift is from a department store, bedding or cookware or clothes.) If that's a negligible amount of money to you then sure, keep it, especially since it takes up practically no space. (I would not say the same about toys or furniture or anything they gave you that's bulky.) But it's perfectly ok if you need that money more than your daughter needs a pretty necklace in the future. (Your Income May Vary, I guess...)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 10:52 AM on September 24, 2013
posted by DestinationUnknown at 10:52 AM on September 24, 2013
Do your in-laws know what you do like? Next time have your husband suggest alternatives
I was about to suggest this as well. They may be the type to ignore the suggestions and still buy stuff you don't want, but steering them in the right direction with gifts is worth a try. As said above, some people just don't know how to express affection any other way or prioritize gift giving over the other ways.
Since you say they went to two different jewelry counters, there is a good chance that there are other things in the store you could use or would love to have. Exchange it without guilt!
posted by soelo at 10:57 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was about to suggest this as well. They may be the type to ignore the suggestions and still buy stuff you don't want, but steering them in the right direction with gifts is worth a try. As said above, some people just don't know how to express affection any other way or prioritize gift giving over the other ways.
Since you say they went to two different jewelry counters, there is a good chance that there are other things in the store you could use or would love to have. Exchange it without guilt!
posted by soelo at 10:57 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
My mom doesn't wear any jewelry for religious reasons. When my sister was born, my grandparents gave my mom a diamond necklace. I don't know that she ever wore it, but she loaned it to me to wear on my wedding day. We got a lovely picture of all three of hands, and I think a picture of my mom clasping it with my grandmother watching in the background. Very special memory.
Toss the box in a drawer or a closet somewhere. The sentiment is going to be worth more to your kids in the future.
posted by mibo at 10:58 AM on September 24, 2013
Toss the box in a drawer or a closet somewhere. The sentiment is going to be worth more to your kids in the future.
posted by mibo at 10:58 AM on September 24, 2013
Even if you said you didn't want it, you really should be gracious on this situation. They're not being passive aggressive, but returning it seems passive aggressive. Keep it for your kids or sell it in hard times.
The relationship you have with your in laws is important, and they probably did their best. Be gracious. Put it in the back of the drawer or whatever.
posted by discopolo at 11:04 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
The relationship you have with your in laws is important, and they probably did their best. Be gracious. Put it in the back of the drawer or whatever.
posted by discopolo at 11:04 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
They gave you the receipts and you told them you didn't want jewelry. So I think they just wanted to give you a gift, didn't know what to get, felt cash would be tacky so gave you the jewelry as a sort of place-marker for a gift hoping you might like it and thinking if not you'd return it for something you do want. If they didn't want you to return it they simply wouldn't have given you the receipt!
Return it, and if there isn't anything at that store you want then get the $500 on a gift certificate. Then sell the gift certificate online and get yourself something you do want with the money. That's better than schlepping around, keeping track of and worrying about some unwanted piece of jewelry for the next 18 years so you can give it to your child who will then most likely lose it and/or not appreciate it. I mean, I could see a child wanting a memento of their mother but one the mother liked and wore, not one she never wanted in the first place. What would be the point of that?
posted by hazyjane at 11:05 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Return it, and if there isn't anything at that store you want then get the $500 on a gift certificate. Then sell the gift certificate online and get yourself something you do want with the money. That's better than schlepping around, keeping track of and worrying about some unwanted piece of jewelry for the next 18 years so you can give it to your child who will then most likely lose it and/or not appreciate it. I mean, I could see a child wanting a memento of their mother but one the mother liked and wore, not one she never wanted in the first place. What would be the point of that?
posted by hazyjane at 11:05 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry, not trying to thread-sit, but I meant to mention one more thing in my answer about the princessy gifts the grandparents are getting your daughter.
I didn't want my kids, who are boys if that matters, to have toy guns when they were little. I was very opposed to guns, partly because my father's brother was killed at 17 in a shooting accident with a neighbor's kid, and also because I was suicidal as a young adult and, to be blunt, if I'd had access to a loaded gun then, I'd have killed myself with it.
Whew. So, valid reasons for keeping my kids from toy guns, I thought!
My father, of all people, made the point to me that by forbidding my little boys toy guns I could very well be making a problem where there was none, though. Might I be making real guns (the actual danger) more enticing? And you know, that was very insightful of him, and he had a point. I didn't want them fetishizing guns because they were all sexy and mysterious. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.
So I changed my stance, choosing in my case to allow toy guns while always stressing how they were safe because they WERE toys, while real guns were potentially deadly, etc. For the record? None of us has guns (my boys are 18 and 20 now).
So, OP, something to think about with that princess-themed stuff maybe, too. Trying to shield your daughter from it completely might not have the desired effect. You don't want your daughter to think kids who like princess stuff are bad, right? You just don't want her to slavishly accept the narrative that goes along with that stuff, like girls are helpless damsels waiting for a prince to rescue them or whatever. Anyway, that is totally your call, just thought it might provide a helpful perspective from another parent.
posted by misha at 11:10 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
I didn't want my kids, who are boys if that matters, to have toy guns when they were little. I was very opposed to guns, partly because my father's brother was killed at 17 in a shooting accident with a neighbor's kid, and also because I was suicidal as a young adult and, to be blunt, if I'd had access to a loaded gun then, I'd have killed myself with it.
Whew. So, valid reasons for keeping my kids from toy guns, I thought!
My father, of all people, made the point to me that by forbidding my little boys toy guns I could very well be making a problem where there was none, though. Might I be making real guns (the actual danger) more enticing? And you know, that was very insightful of him, and he had a point. I didn't want them fetishizing guns because they were all sexy and mysterious. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.
So I changed my stance, choosing in my case to allow toy guns while always stressing how they were safe because they WERE toys, while real guns were potentially deadly, etc. For the record? None of us has guns (my boys are 18 and 20 now).
So, OP, something to think about with that princess-themed stuff maybe, too. Trying to shield your daughter from it completely might not have the desired effect. You don't want your daughter to think kids who like princess stuff are bad, right? You just don't want her to slavishly accept the narrative that goes along with that stuff, like girls are helpless damsels waiting for a prince to rescue them or whatever. Anyway, that is totally your call, just thought it might provide a helpful perspective from another parent.
posted by misha at 11:10 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also, regarding toy giving: yes, you technically have total rule over your kid and how you want to raise her, but forcing other people adhere to your ideas is a stressful and kind of very hard line. You brought a person into this world and her grandparents want to get her something. They get to do that. It's important to address what your fears are for your kid if your daughter encounters a few princess toys from the grandparents.
It's unlikely that they'll turn her into your worst nightmare for who she'll grow up to be.
posted by discopolo at 11:11 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's unlikely that they'll turn her into your worst nightmare for who she'll grow up to be.
posted by discopolo at 11:11 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
If this was something you like and wanted, you would never have asked this question.
A gift is not made valuable by how well it matches your own desires. A gift is an expression of the giver's heart in physical form. I would cherish this gesture above the conflict you have with its monetary characteristics, and not return it. You can one day add your own demonstration of value by giving it to someone you happen to cherish, be it your child or a stranger.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:18 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
A gift is not made valuable by how well it matches your own desires. A gift is an expression of the giver's heart in physical form. I would cherish this gesture above the conflict you have with its monetary characteristics, and not return it. You can one day add your own demonstration of value by giving it to someone you happen to cherish, be it your child or a stranger.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:18 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Assuming it's truly good quality jewelry and in a style you like, I would keep it. A few reasons:
- You say you don't wear jewelry and would just lose it, but what if someday you are in a situation where you would like to wear jewelry and it would be good to have? A formal event, a job interview, etc. I don't think you need to wear nice jewelry every day for it to be a worthwhile thing to own, and getting it as a gift means you don't have to spend your own money on that one nice piece you have for special occasions.
- What others have said about your children someday wanting it is a really good point.
Re this:
when I was a kid there was no $500 piece of jewelry that would have been better for me (at the time, or as something to be saved for later) than my parents having an extra $500, or $500 worth of things they needed.
My parents were young and broke when they had me, and I was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. My parents were given a lot of somewhat valuable heirloom-ish or not-useful-to-a-baby (cash, savings bonds, etc) gifts when I was born, which they immediately sold, spent, returned for cash, and the like. It makes me a little bit sad to know that I have absolutely ZERO "your grandfather gave this to you when you were born" stuff waiting in the wings, and didn't even have a college fund or a savings account to bust into for a prom dress or a car down payment.
Especially if you are not so young and broke. If you desperately need this $500 to pay a bill, and it will be foolish to have such a nice piece of jewelry when you're flat broke, I could see it. But to return it just because cash is better than jewelry? That's tacky.
posted by Sara C. at 11:21 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
- You say you don't wear jewelry and would just lose it, but what if someday you are in a situation where you would like to wear jewelry and it would be good to have? A formal event, a job interview, etc. I don't think you need to wear nice jewelry every day for it to be a worthwhile thing to own, and getting it as a gift means you don't have to spend your own money on that one nice piece you have for special occasions.
- What others have said about your children someday wanting it is a really good point.
Re this:
when I was a kid there was no $500 piece of jewelry that would have been better for me (at the time, or as something to be saved for later) than my parents having an extra $500, or $500 worth of things they needed.
My parents were young and broke when they had me, and I was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. My parents were given a lot of somewhat valuable heirloom-ish or not-useful-to-a-baby (cash, savings bonds, etc) gifts when I was born, which they immediately sold, spent, returned for cash, and the like. It makes me a little bit sad to know that I have absolutely ZERO "your grandfather gave this to you when you were born" stuff waiting in the wings, and didn't even have a college fund or a savings account to bust into for a prom dress or a car down payment.
Especially if you are not so young and broke. If you desperately need this $500 to pay a bill, and it will be foolish to have such a nice piece of jewelry when you're flat broke, I could see it. But to return it just because cash is better than jewelry? That's tacky.
posted by Sara C. at 11:21 AM on September 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Keeping it for your daughter solves all problems and maybe even adds value to the transaction. I know I would love it if my grandparents had valued my mom and my birth enough to give her a gift like that, and she had kept it for me.
Returning it only causes potential bad feelings. I do get that this is a slightly weird dynamic, but don't make it a bigger deal than it has to be. You like your in-laws, and your in-laws like you and want to give you stuff. Lots of people would like to have that problem.
posted by HotToddy at 11:51 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Returning it only causes potential bad feelings. I do get that this is a slightly weird dynamic, but don't make it a bigger deal than it has to be. You like your in-laws, and your in-laws like you and want to give you stuff. Lots of people would like to have that problem.
posted by HotToddy at 11:51 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think its extremely insensitive when someone gives you something even though you've specifically asked them not to. I'd return it with no qualms. I also wouldn't consider the gift to be thoughtful or generous. I'd consider it manipulative and controlling . At the very least its blatant disregard for your expressed wishes, so essentially thoughtless. Shame on them!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:53 PM on September 24 [1 favorite +] [!]
Wow, have you ever had a grandparent? Been in the vicinity of an older person? They are often (not always) a little bit stuck in their ways. They can't jump up and down when they are thrilled, and they don't really understand "not liking jewelry" or "princess culture." They kind of revert to the habits that were popular when they were young parents. So maybe we can just give 'em a break, say thanks, and carry on?
posted by thinkpiece at 11:58 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:53 PM on September 24 [1 favorite +] [!]
Wow, have you ever had a grandparent? Been in the vicinity of an older person? They are often (not always) a little bit stuck in their ways. They can't jump up and down when they are thrilled, and they don't really understand "not liking jewelry" or "princess culture." They kind of revert to the habits that were popular when they were young parents. So maybe we can just give 'em a break, say thanks, and carry on?
posted by thinkpiece at 11:58 AM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think the suggestion of keeping it to give to your child one day is pretty great.
Your in-laws may have interpreted the "no no, I don't wear jewelry, I will lose it, thanks but no thanks" remarks from you and your husband as a way of saying "no, that's too generous, don't buy me a gift, etc." A more effective strategy might have been having your husband suggest something else they could have purchased for you that would have been thoughtful and sentimental.
My grandparents are like this, in terms of gift giving, and they both love jewelry and see it as a special, sentimental gift. You have to be pretty direct with them sometimes if you don't want them to buy you something, and really the best way to deal with it is telling them while you don't want X, you would really love Y.
In your case, it sounds like they did try to get you something you would like, they asked your husband for suggestions and bought something that was similar to something you already owned, so I'd give them points for that. Also, without having heard the conversation your husband had with them yourself, it's difficult to tell how direct he was with them.
posted by inertia at 12:13 PM on September 24, 2013
Your in-laws may have interpreted the "no no, I don't wear jewelry, I will lose it, thanks but no thanks" remarks from you and your husband as a way of saying "no, that's too generous, don't buy me a gift, etc." A more effective strategy might have been having your husband suggest something else they could have purchased for you that would have been thoughtful and sentimental.
My grandparents are like this, in terms of gift giving, and they both love jewelry and see it as a special, sentimental gift. You have to be pretty direct with them sometimes if you don't want them to buy you something, and really the best way to deal with it is telling them while you don't want X, you would really love Y.
In your case, it sounds like they did try to get you something you would like, they asked your husband for suggestions and bought something that was similar to something you already owned, so I'd give them points for that. Also, without having heard the conversation your husband had with them yourself, it's difficult to tell how direct he was with them.
posted by inertia at 12:13 PM on September 24, 2013
It seems so tacky and ungrateful to return a sentimental, highly thought-out special-occasion gift and use the credit to buy towels or whatever.
Here is my suggestion for the future: when you know they are about to buy you a present, just tell them that you want the towels and whatever. Make sure you know that they will be sincerely appreciated and make just as big of a deal about being happy about them as you did when they gave you the necklace. It doesn't have to be stuff for you per se, you can tell them that you really want some nice X that you can use for club/hobby Y or donate to cause Z.
posted by cairdeas at 12:19 PM on September 24, 2013
Here is my suggestion for the future: when you know they are about to buy you a present, just tell them that you want the towels and whatever. Make sure you know that they will be sincerely appreciated and make just as big of a deal about being happy about them as you did when they gave you the necklace. It doesn't have to be stuff for you per se, you can tell them that you really want some nice X that you can use for club/hobby Y or donate to cause Z.
posted by cairdeas at 12:19 PM on September 24, 2013
I would TELL them I'd put it aside for my daughter, and return it.
posted by lemniskate at 12:47 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 12:47 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have gift receipts for the jewelry
They wouldn't have given you the gift receipt with it if they wanted you to NOT return it. Maybe they just feel that jewelry is the only "appropriate" gift for this situation, or aren't very creative in their gift giving. If it's from a big department store, this is their way of giving you a $500 gift certificate for whatever you need there -- maybe they think gift cards are tacky.
Or you can save it and give it to your daughter or even future daughter-in-law with the lovely backstory of how you are passing along this thing that grandma and grandpa gave you that you didn't want and only wore once to make them happy because you hate jewelry, and are now giving it to her because it's "special". Maybe she won't like jewelry either, and you can have a nice family tradition of saving unwanted gifts through the generations.
I have some special family jewelry. It's things people wore and loved, with stories about how they saved to buy the ring, or how they were great-whoever's favorite earrings -- that's what makes it special, not simply that they owned it at one point in time.
posted by yohko at 12:55 PM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
They wouldn't have given you the gift receipt with it if they wanted you to NOT return it. Maybe they just feel that jewelry is the only "appropriate" gift for this situation, or aren't very creative in their gift giving. If it's from a big department store, this is their way of giving you a $500 gift certificate for whatever you need there -- maybe they think gift cards are tacky.
Or you can save it and give it to your daughter or even future daughter-in-law with the lovely backstory of how you are passing along this thing that grandma and grandpa gave you that you didn't want and only wore once to make them happy because you hate jewelry, and are now giving it to her because it's "special". Maybe she won't like jewelry either, and you can have a nice family tradition of saving unwanted gifts through the generations.
I have some special family jewelry. It's things people wore and loved, with stories about how they saved to buy the ring, or how they were great-whoever's favorite earrings -- that's what makes it special, not simply that they owned it at one point in time.
posted by yohko at 12:55 PM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
A good relationship with your in-laws is priceless. Humor them.
Keep the jewelry, wear it when they visit, the rest of the time it can live safely in your jewelry box or dresser.
If this is their only flaw, count your blessings!
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:59 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Keep the jewelry, wear it when they visit, the rest of the time it can live safely in your jewelry box or dresser.
If this is their only flaw, count your blessings!
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:59 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
$500 is a lot of money to me, if it is to you too I suggest you return the item for cash, or use the store credit to buy gifts for them (and others) in the upcoming year. I wouldn't say anything, but if the in-laws ask I'd honestly say "Thank you for the gift but also for giving me the receipt, I found I couldn't wear it because I was too anxious about losing it. I lose small things all the time so my jewelry needs to be almost disposable."
The idea of your child having a piece of jewelry "from Grandma" is nice, except it would be a regift from you, and a gift chosen for an adult not a child.
I think raising a child is expensive enough without holding onto a $500 piece of jewelry for a decade or so because your not-princess might like it (btw, yay for not-princessing!)
posted by Anwan at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
The idea of your child having a piece of jewelry "from Grandma" is nice, except it would be a regift from you, and a gift chosen for an adult not a child.
I think raising a child is expensive enough without holding onto a $500 piece of jewelry for a decade or so because your not-princess might like it (btw, yay for not-princessing!)
posted by Anwan at 1:21 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Jesus yes take it back. They gave you the receipts.
Also, though your heart is in the right place, making a big deal deal out of unwanted gifts encourages more of the same. I'm not saying to throw them on the floor and be like "WTF?!", but until there is some awkwardness, you will keep getting the gifts.
My father and his wife were like this with my daughter and my nieces. Constantly buying them presents, especially in my sister's case, and repeatedly ignoring her strong requests to a) not buy gifts for the girls, and b) especially not those kind of gifts.
So my sister just started taking them from my parents, putting them on top of the cupboard, and saying, "Dad, I told you I didn't want you getting these kind of gifts for the girls, they will not be playing it with them, and I'll be taking them to Goodwill tomorrow." Or she put them straight in the bin when they were cheap and crappy.
Though it sounds like it, my sister didn't throw out everything she hated, there was a little gray rather than black and white. Dad was miffed the first few times (didn't stop him getting the gifts, note), but it drastically reduced the amount of shit he bought over the long run. And because my sister would occasionally let some stuff slide, he got a better idea of what was appropriate to buy, and when.
I would sell it. You can get a lot of awesome shit with $500.
posted by smoke at 4:07 PM on September 24, 2013
Also, though your heart is in the right place, making a big deal deal out of unwanted gifts encourages more of the same. I'm not saying to throw them on the floor and be like "WTF?!", but until there is some awkwardness, you will keep getting the gifts.
My father and his wife were like this with my daughter and my nieces. Constantly buying them presents, especially in my sister's case, and repeatedly ignoring her strong requests to a) not buy gifts for the girls, and b) especially not those kind of gifts.
So my sister just started taking them from my parents, putting them on top of the cupboard, and saying, "Dad, I told you I didn't want you getting these kind of gifts for the girls, they will not be playing it with them, and I'll be taking them to Goodwill tomorrow." Or she put them straight in the bin when they were cheap and crappy.
Though it sounds like it, my sister didn't throw out everything she hated, there was a little gray rather than black and white. Dad was miffed the first few times (didn't stop him getting the gifts, note), but it drastically reduced the amount of shit he bought over the long run. And because my sister would occasionally let some stuff slide, he got a better idea of what was appropriate to buy, and when.
I would sell it. You can get a lot of awesome shit with $500.
posted by smoke at 4:07 PM on September 24, 2013
Maybe there's something I don't understand about the question, but how will they know you returned it? It's a piece of jewelry, and your in-laws aren't going to see you every single day so they can confirm you're not wearing it. You have accepted the gift with grace. That means you've done all you needed to do and now the next step is to do what makes you happy.
posted by capricorn at 5:32 PM on September 24, 2013
posted by capricorn at 5:32 PM on September 24, 2013
$500 jewellery is not 'expensive jewellery.' With no offence meant to any jewellery or anyone. It's like $50 shoes are not expensive shoes -- no matter how much fifty bucks is for you, $50 shoes are not, in the world of shoes, expensive shoes. $500 jewellery is maybe $50 jewellery in the pawn shop -- losing it isn't the end of the world, because it is not $500 you are losing, but something that just happens to get an enormous mark-up in a brick and mortar shop.
The good thing about retails-for-$500 jewellery is that it is incredibly appropriate Your First Real Jewellery! for a young girl. Another vote for saving it and handing it down. They've given you a pretty cool present in giving you something to pass down.
(But if you are cash-strapped and it came from a dept store you have my permission to exchange it for things you need...)
posted by kmennie at 7:02 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
The good thing about retails-for-$500 jewellery is that it is incredibly appropriate Your First Real Jewellery! for a young girl. Another vote for saving it and handing it down. They've given you a pretty cool present in giving you something to pass down.
(But if you are cash-strapped and it came from a dept store you have my permission to exchange it for things you need...)
posted by kmennie at 7:02 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
My parents gifts are often way off the mark.
My solution to this was to suggest things I would really like to have that were also something they'd like to give me. This resulted in me having some very, very nice kitchen appliances that were well above my budget, contributions towards a holiday I wanted, etc.
I have to admit: lots of thankyous and wearing it around them the next day, etc? That's saying "I actually wanted this but socially I have to refuse expensive gifts to be polite".
posted by Ashlyth at 2:07 AM on September 25, 2013
My solution to this was to suggest things I would really like to have that were also something they'd like to give me. This resulted in me having some very, very nice kitchen appliances that were well above my budget, contributions towards a holiday I wanted, etc.
I have to admit: lots of thankyous and wearing it around them the next day, etc? That's saying "I actually wanted this but socially I have to refuse expensive gifts to be polite".
posted by Ashlyth at 2:07 AM on September 25, 2013
Wow, have you ever had a grandparent? Been in the vicinity of an older person? They are often (not always) a little bit stuck in their ways. They can't jump up and down when they are thrilled, and they don't really understand "not liking jewelry" or "princess culture." They kind of revert to the habits that were popular when they were young parents. So maybe we can just give 'em a break, say thanks, and carry on?
Yeah no, I didn't have grandparents, they died when I was tiny. Nonetheless, I still think people doing the exact opposite of what you ask them to do is rude. You can help them if they struggle with ideas, maybe by suggesting other gifts that you would prefer, but if you say, "Please don't get me such and such a thing for these well expressed, perfectly reasonable reasons," and they do it anyway, return the gift with no qualms. My mother is "stuck in her ways" in many regards, including rascism and other bad behaviors, but I don't just smile and look the other way because she is old.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:20 AM on September 26, 2013
Yeah no, I didn't have grandparents, they died when I was tiny. Nonetheless, I still think people doing the exact opposite of what you ask them to do is rude. You can help them if they struggle with ideas, maybe by suggesting other gifts that you would prefer, but if you say, "Please don't get me such and such a thing for these well expressed, perfectly reasonable reasons," and they do it anyway, return the gift with no qualms. My mother is "stuck in her ways" in many regards, including rascism and other bad behaviors, but I don't just smile and look the other way because she is old.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:20 AM on September 26, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:04 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]