How do I make the best use of a month-long personal retreat?

September 24, 2013 6:20 AM

I've been off work for a number of months with severe depression. My spouse is allowing and encouraging me to go away for a month to get away from daily family life. How can I best make use of this time?

For this time away, which I am considering a 'personal retreat', I am looking at renting a small house for one month. It is on waterfront about 40minutes away from where we live. If you have taken a time away from your life to try to heal from any health issues, how did you make it successful?

I want this time to be as productive as possible. If I don't plan I suspect I would spend a month not doing much and be no better at the end of it. Goals would include:
- eating more healthily than I have been
- daily reading and practice of the materials which I have been finding helpful but which I haven't been doing consistently (CBT, mindfulness, general depression understanding)
- daily exercise (the area I would be staying is good for long walks, and I may bring my bike)
- daily practice of my musical instrument
- other positive pastimes such as reading and listening to music. (And less time playing mindless games on my iPad)

I'm thinking a loose daily schedule would be helpful to try to provide some structure to each day so I don't just waste hours surfing the web. This would include all the activities I want to do each day, but be flexible such that I can - for example - exercise earlier or later in the day depending on the weather.

While the house I'm looking at has TV and wifi I would intend to use them as little as possible. There is a small store nearby for food essentials, and bigger stores a short drive away, though we haven't yet figured out if I would take the car or if my spouse would drop me off and keep the car, maybe coming to visit occasionally and bring food.

Other information related to the depression - my doctor is supportive of time away. I've tried 5 different meds, each with side-effects so debilitating I had to stop after a couple of days. I am also seeing a therapist, who is also supportive. If necessary I could travel from the rental place back into my home city for appointments with either.

I'm not at all worried about being lonely. I'm generally better on my own than I am around people.

So, how would you suggest I approach this retreat, and spend my time each day, with the aim of being significantly better at the end of the month?

(Posted from a sock puppet - mods are aware - because I want to keep health-related questions unrelated from my main MeFi profile.)

posted by spiraldown to Health & Fitness (14 answers total)

Best answer: I'd actually do just the opposite - I'd try to not be productive. At least - not in the ways you're thinking.

I find that when I'm trying to escape a "regular routine", then setting up another, albeit different, "regular routine" just perpetuates the very stress I'm trying to escape. Yeah, my schedule involves "a daily walk" rather than "commuting to work," but the stress is no less acute when I blow it off.

Eating healthier is a good idea, and reading the things you say you need to read is also a good one, but....I would avoid setting yourself up with a schedule of "every day I must...." and try just being. Bring your books, bring your bike, bring a notepad. If you're worried about doing too much on wifi and your iPad, leave it at home.

The most I would plan for "a scheduled thing" is a daily walk. But be flexible about the length of that walk - some days you're going to want to go longer, some days shorter. Some days it's going to be raining. But scheduling "I want to walk X yards every day" just seems like it could set yourself up for failure.

My hunch is that if you bring the things that you want to do and think you should do, and don't bring the time-suck things you know you shouldn't do, but then just let it all be, then you'll end up doing things because you genuinely want to, rather than because you're trying to stick to a schedule of obligations. And you'll also be giving yourself the permission to just sit and be, which may sound scary but...that's also where some insights come from - some of them productive.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [8 favorites]

Good for you for being pro-active with regards to your health. I think this sounds like a potentially very productive month for you! Eating better, reading, exercise, and non-stressful structure all sound like great things. However, although I realize you said that you prefer being alone, but your set-up sounds profoundly isolating and that situation can exacerbate depression and sap motivation for many, many people. Would you consider volunteer work or even just doing some reading at a coffee shop for a few hours a week? For me, direct interaction can be taxing when I'm depressed, but being completely isolated for days at a time is a bad situation too. I realize everyone is different, but the amount of time you're planning to spend alone raised some concerns for me. Working in some time to be in the presence of other humans might be something to think over. Good luck!
posted by horizons at 6:40 AM on September 24, 2013 [5 favorites]

Just make sure that you don't use the time to retreat inward due to time alone. It may be a decent idea to have a good friend (not your wife or doctor) check up on you a few times during the month just to have an outside perspective.

Best of Luck!
posted by anthroprose at 7:11 AM on September 24, 2013

Best answer: Seconding horizons' concerns. When I'm stressed, depressed, etc. all I want to do is withdraw and be alone (and it's really easy for me to do, because I'm a professor, so I have my summers "off"), but if I do that I get into a really really bad headspace.

I also know that for me, putting a lot of pressure on myself to be "productive" during what is supposed to be a respite would just provide more opportunities for me to feel bad about myself.

I do love the idea of exercise, meditation, and healthy eating because these things are about taking care of yourself. I'd make those into an easy routine. Do some pleasant, relaxing exercise like walking or yoga, rather than something goal-oriented or strenuous. Meditate for 10 minutes rather than creating some expectation that you're going to sit for 60 minutes a day. Work on building up a recipe book of easy, comforting food, but also schedule in a reasonable amount of "cheating," because some days, cooking is just Too Much, even in the best of times.

Then create opportunities (but not expectations) to do the other things you know you will enjoy and find satisfying. Have several fun, interesting books scattered around the house so you can pick one up when you take the notion. Have your musical instrument set out (I don't know why, but sometimes opening the case was an insurmountable obstacle for me) so you can pick it up, tune up, and noodle around for a few minutes when you feel like it.

And, yeah, find some way to interact meaningfully with other humans outside your house.
posted by Compared to what? at 7:28 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

Along with the eating better, might you set a goal of cooking something time-consuming or a little complex each week? Maybe something new, maybe something you've enjoyed making before, but it might be nice to have a tasty new recipe or 4 for accomplishments. If cooking isn't your thing, maybe your instrument or another skill can be that space for progress.

Healthmonth.com lets you track daily and weekly goals for yourself, and includes all sorts of healthy things like eating well, meditation, and custom goals. If it would help you to have that sort of tracking, there's a metafilter team there, too, that is very supportive. If it would just lead to ipad time, of course skip it. But even if you're not doing health month, you might want to browse through their preset goals to see if there's something like "daily stretching" that you'd like to add.
posted by ldthomps at 8:40 AM on September 24, 2013

Here to add my voice to the folks concerned about loneliness.

I did something pretty similar to what you're planning, alone, thinking I'd be happier that way. I thought it would be some much-needed peace, and that it would be good for me to spend time reflecting rather than reacting.

Anyway, it didn't work like I expected. It was definitely a good thing to do, to get away for a while, but I needed people to interact with in whatever small way.

I want to emphasise that I am a naturally solitary person, have lived alone for long periods, and very much enjoy my own company. In this scenario, the loneliness was much more powerful than I expected it to be. Don't underestimate it.
posted by greenish at 8:42 AM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: What about a project where you can see that you've made progress?

When I get in a mental rut, I can feel like I'm not getting anything done at all, and then I feel bad about that, and then I get even more stuck. (And generally 'stuff on the computer' doesn't help here.) But I knit, and I spin yarn, and I can do that for a bit, and then there's more of whatever I'm making, and it's physical and can't be argued with.

Handcraft projects obviously fit here, but art (even very simple art, like geometic pattern doodling or simple watercolor or sketches) or a jigsaw puzzle, or working on something from a kit might do. Something like a "Take a photo a day" might encourage you to get out and look at things on your walks, too.
posted by modernhypatia at 9:53 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've had a similar experience, and, despite my efforts, accomplished very few of the things I meant to do. But I did get the time and distance from some bad things to get a lot better. (Yay, accrued sick leave.)

Healthy food is a big help. Also, schedule time to get outdoors and get sunshine; it's good for you in general, and for depression specifically. Exercise is really good for recovery. Beating yourself up for not accomplishing stuff is bad for you. If you have a therapist, and I hope you do, keep seeing them. If you have a pet who can accompany you, great; my dog is therapeutic for me, also, walks. CBT, mindfulness, general depression understanding is all good, but don't beat yourself up for missing a day or a week.

TV is generally bad, but can help deal with isolation. Too much creates isolation. Maybe take a bunch of dvds of really funny movies, or use netflix to re-watch things that will cheer you, or at least something that will be neutral. No depressing drama. I'd probably swap off the car, as having no transportation makes me feel way too isolated.
posted by Mom at 10:53 AM on September 24, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks for all the input so far. I will give more thought to the loneliness / solitude aspect, but being alone is a big part of why this appeals to me. Although the fact is that going back to work and being around people is something I need to work towards. I think there is a cafe in the (otherwise quite isolated) community I'm looking at, so could plan to spend time there.

EmpressCallipygos - very interesting point about not over-scheduling/planning. Although I feel that currently being at home all day with no structure I generally achieve very little. But I get caught up in things like 'what am I going to cook the family for dinner tonight' and get more and more frustrated flipping through recipe books unable to make a decision. I guess the goal is to get myself to a place where I only have to take care of myself - and as you say: just sit and be.... I think is a good description of what I need.

Yes, Compared to what?, the goal would be to have the instrument out and ready to play when I feel like it - something I can't do at home as we don't have enough space.

And modernhypatia - I would see learning new songs as something measurable. And yes, I already have a large jigsaw puzzle picked out! Photo a day is also a great idea.
posted by spiraldown at 10:54 AM on September 24, 2013

Daily contact with nature. Even an urban park.
posted by No Robots at 10:59 AM on September 24, 2013

Response by poster: The house I'm looking at is on a river with gorgeous views, which I know I would appreciate. The roads around are very quiet which would be good for biking, and there is a city-owned forest park with walking trails a short distance away.
posted by spiraldown at 11:21 AM on September 24, 2013

For your walking, instead of setting goals related to time/distance, you might set some goals related to smelling the flowers, as it were. If you go on a very short, slow walk and you notice a specific beautiful natural feature that you spend a minute to appreciate, that is a successful walk.
posted by CathyG at 1:37 PM on September 24, 2013

Best answer: Another thought about walking/exercise/etc. I went through a stint of unemployed downtime this summer, and one of the things that helped me not backslide into getting really bummed out was to make myself "leave the house" for at least an hour each day. Some days I ended up going on big huge adventures where I went to a neighborhood in Brooklyn I'd never visited before and spent the whole afternoon exploring - but other days all I could manage was "ugh, I'm just gonna get a soda at the local diner and be done with it".

My point is - if I made my goal "I'm going to explore a new neighborhood every week," I'd never have made it. Or even "I'm going to walk for an hour a day" I wouldn't have made it. The real point of my goal was to get myself out of the house and out in the world, not to walk a set number of minutes or miles; so I made it "okay" if all I did was walk out the door and sit down for most of that hour. Most of the time, I ended up doing more anyway because it was such a low bar. (I realize that's totally cheating, but it worked so I don't care.)

So maybe try that - you will leave the house for at least X amount of time each day. Whether you stay out of the house longer, or spend most of that time sitting down as opposed to walking, is entirely up to you each day, and all totally valid. That could help you take your each-day's mood and energy level into account as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:46 PM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Can you somehow make it so that you have only limited access to the wifi/TV? Like, they aren't there at all, or at least they only function for a certain limited number of hours a day?

I ask because although EmpressCallipygos makes a great point about forcing a schedule, I know when I am depressed if I don't force something, I just spend all of the time doing passive entertainment activities like surfing the web or watching mindless TV. Conversely, when I go visit my uncle's cabin -- which has no wifi or TV -- then I just can't do that. The resulting boredom makes me go outside, take long walks, read interesting books, cook healthy food, and even occasionally want to visit with people (I too am an introvert who loves her alone time).

So I think if you can get rid of the temptation of passive distractions that just make you wallow and feel worse, you'll find yourself naturally gravitating to healthier activities that you really enjoy. But if you're anything like me you can't rely on your willpower to avoid them -- particularly if you're already feeling depressed.
posted by forza at 6:53 PM on September 24, 2013