Am I the type that always wants what I don't have?
September 23, 2013 7:55 AM Subscribe
I'm dating someone fantastic, but I feel nothing.
I'm dating a guy who's funny, handsome, smart, so nice, and is really into me. I've known him for 4 months and we've been dating for almost two months now, but because of an exam he's studying for we've only been on 3 dates. We've made an effort to be in contact, though, so we've been calling each other every few days.
The problem is with me. In the last two dates we started messing around, and...I feel like I should be feeling something. When we make out it's almost technical for me, and I start treating it like a learning exercise (I'm 20, and this is only the second relationship I've been in). All I feel are his hands on me, not the sparks of love and vulnerability that I expect, or have been told to expect.
Because if I continue this relationship, I hope it doesn't become like my first one. I spent a week pining after a guy, asked him out, and for the duration of our very short relationship those feelings left and curdled into boredom.
I like to think that I'm the type that just takes a long time to get used to someone. Or maybe I'm never going to be attracted to this dude. But what if I'm the type that always wants what I don't have?
For a week and a half he was AWOL due to a family emergency, but I didn't know because he wasn't returning my texts. I like being clear and definite, especially in terms of relationships with others, and this state of limbo was driving me crazy. I was consumed with thoughts of him, he was in my dreams. I have to admit that part of all this craziness was that I hadn't been attracted to someone for so many years and because I've wanted to be in a relationship for some time. I kept texting him, so the guy came back thinking I was as invested in the relationship as he was.
And he's invested. He called me a few days ago, a little late at night, just to say he was increasingly getting hooked on me. It was sweet, but a little intimidating, when I couldn't say the same back to him. When he came back, I no longer felt consumed by thoughts of him. Where are those feelings when I actually need them?
Up to this point my MO is that maybe if I keep being in contact with him, the feelings will gradually come. And it's not that I feel absolutely nothing - I love hanging out with him, and the first time we held hands I did feel a small thrill.
I need to make a decision soon as to whether we should keep on dating, because he's falling quickly for me, and I don't want to leave him devastated. Have you ever been in a similar situation? What should I do?
Thank you so much!
I'm dating a guy who's funny, handsome, smart, so nice, and is really into me. I've known him for 4 months and we've been dating for almost two months now, but because of an exam he's studying for we've only been on 3 dates. We've made an effort to be in contact, though, so we've been calling each other every few days.
The problem is with me. In the last two dates we started messing around, and...I feel like I should be feeling something. When we make out it's almost technical for me, and I start treating it like a learning exercise (I'm 20, and this is only the second relationship I've been in). All I feel are his hands on me, not the sparks of love and vulnerability that I expect, or have been told to expect.
Because if I continue this relationship, I hope it doesn't become like my first one. I spent a week pining after a guy, asked him out, and for the duration of our very short relationship those feelings left and curdled into boredom.
I like to think that I'm the type that just takes a long time to get used to someone. Or maybe I'm never going to be attracted to this dude. But what if I'm the type that always wants what I don't have?
For a week and a half he was AWOL due to a family emergency, but I didn't know because he wasn't returning my texts. I like being clear and definite, especially in terms of relationships with others, and this state of limbo was driving me crazy. I was consumed with thoughts of him, he was in my dreams. I have to admit that part of all this craziness was that I hadn't been attracted to someone for so many years and because I've wanted to be in a relationship for some time. I kept texting him, so the guy came back thinking I was as invested in the relationship as he was.
And he's invested. He called me a few days ago, a little late at night, just to say he was increasingly getting hooked on me. It was sweet, but a little intimidating, when I couldn't say the same back to him. When he came back, I no longer felt consumed by thoughts of him. Where are those feelings when I actually need them?
Up to this point my MO is that maybe if I keep being in contact with him, the feelings will gradually come. And it's not that I feel absolutely nothing - I love hanging out with him, and the first time we held hands I did feel a small thrill.
I need to make a decision soon as to whether we should keep on dating, because he's falling quickly for me, and I don't want to leave him devastated. Have you ever been in a similar situation? What should I do?
Thank you so much!
not the sparks of love and vulnerability that I expect, or have been told to expect.
Expect is correct. What you do in the absence of that is your own business, but this will never be that.
posted by three blind mice at 8:09 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Expect is correct. What you do in the absence of that is your own business, but this will never be that.
posted by three blind mice at 8:09 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn't. Everybody is different. Even you, you'll find, will be different with each person you date. That's just how it is.
The good news is that there's nothing wrong with you! The bad news is that life is confusing. But the good news is that that's ok.
Go ahead and keep dating him if you'd like to. The nice thing to do if you think he's falling hard for you is to say something like, "I don't feel like we've really gotten the chance to know each other yet, so let's take this slow," or just something so he knows that you want to keep dating him but aren't quite there yet. You know?
Basically, here's a cheat sheet: does being around him make you happy? Keep being around him. If at any point you stop feeling happy being around him, go ahead and end things.
posted by phunniemee at 8:16 AM on September 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
The good news is that there's nothing wrong with you! The bad news is that life is confusing. But the good news is that that's ok.
Go ahead and keep dating him if you'd like to. The nice thing to do if you think he's falling hard for you is to say something like, "I don't feel like we've really gotten the chance to know each other yet, so let's take this slow," or just something so he knows that you want to keep dating him but aren't quite there yet. You know?
Basically, here's a cheat sheet: does being around him make you happy? Keep being around him. If at any point you stop feeling happy being around him, go ahead and end things.
posted by phunniemee at 8:16 AM on September 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
You've only been on 3 dates, which to my mind is more important than the two months they encompass.
Being in contact might not be enough. Give it a couple more dates-- not phone calls, not texts, actual dates-- and if you're still not feeling it, end it.
posted by RainyJay at 8:49 AM on September 23, 2013
Being in contact might not be enough. Give it a couple more dates-- not phone calls, not texts, actual dates-- and if you're still not feeling it, end it.
posted by RainyJay at 8:49 AM on September 23, 2013
If you're not that into him, it's ok. You don't have to like people who like you.
Also consider the possibility that you ARE into him, but your feelings are "disappearing" because of fear. This could be the case because of the initial thrill you felt at his touch, and how you enjoy his company, but how you quickly went emotionally dull and blank afterwards. This is self-protection. It's great that he's busy because the pace will be slow. So I'd just continue on and see where it goes, feel what you DO feel, and let it warm up. No need to decide right away.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:50 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also consider the possibility that you ARE into him, but your feelings are "disappearing" because of fear. This could be the case because of the initial thrill you felt at his touch, and how you enjoy his company, but how you quickly went emotionally dull and blank afterwards. This is self-protection. It's great that he's busy because the pace will be slow. So I'd just continue on and see where it goes, feel what you DO feel, and let it warm up. No need to decide right away.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:50 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
So first, someone can meet some list of "pros" or "what I want in a partner" and you can still not be attracted to them. That can mean it's just something about this guy, or maybe you want something more than what's on a list. Also, there are many guys out there who are objectively good guys and would perhaps be great partners. That doesn't mean you want to date all of them or will be attracted to them.
Second, that's hardly any dates in 2 months. I think in the in between time you are perhaps putting him - or the idea of him - up on this pedestal. You know the phrase "Absence makes the heart grown fonder," right? I think that may be going on here. You like the idea of him, and you want his attention. But then when you are around each other you come back to reality and say "Oh, yeah, I don't know if we have a spark." And that's okay to feel that way.
Third, I say give it a couple real dates. You can't really know if you have physical sparks with someone if you have only been around them physically a few hours total. You may be not feeling these sparks because your imaged reality of him when he's gone doesn't match how you feel physically when he's around.
Either way, give it a few dates. If you don't feel something that you want to feel, then end it or consider ending it more strongly. Now I say "what you want to feel" which may be different than what you expect to feel, or what others have told you about feelings. It has to work for you.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:34 AM on September 23, 2013
Second, that's hardly any dates in 2 months. I think in the in between time you are perhaps putting him - or the idea of him - up on this pedestal. You know the phrase "Absence makes the heart grown fonder," right? I think that may be going on here. You like the idea of him, and you want his attention. But then when you are around each other you come back to reality and say "Oh, yeah, I don't know if we have a spark." And that's okay to feel that way.
Third, I say give it a couple real dates. You can't really know if you have physical sparks with someone if you have only been around them physically a few hours total. You may be not feeling these sparks because your imaged reality of him when he's gone doesn't match how you feel physically when he's around.
Either way, give it a few dates. If you don't feel something that you want to feel, then end it or consider ending it more strongly. Now I say "what you want to feel" which may be different than what you expect to feel, or what others have told you about feelings. It has to work for you.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:34 AM on September 23, 2013
Also consider the possibility that you ARE into him, but your feelings are "disappearing" because of fear.
Seconded. Did you start noticing this shut-down after/during his AWOL period? I would probably have a very hard time not building some kind of protective shell against someone who disappeared like that right as things were getting good.
But if he had a super-good reason (like your guy did), I would eventually be able to lower the shields. It would take more than one date, though! So, if you do basically enjoy being around him, maybe give it some more time.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:38 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seconded. Did you start noticing this shut-down after/during his AWOL period? I would probably have a very hard time not building some kind of protective shell against someone who disappeared like that right as things were getting good.
But if he had a super-good reason (like your guy did), I would eventually be able to lower the shields. It would take more than one date, though! So, if you do basically enjoy being around him, maybe give it some more time.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:38 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Here's the thing... maybe you are just a grass-is-greener / only-want-what-I-can't-have type (are you this way about other things? if so, it may very well be a pattern; if not, maybe not), or maybe you just don't get those feelings very easily. It took 30 years and eventually meeting The One Guy for me to feel that way. Nothing I'd ever felt before was even close... I'd call the earlier stuff "fondness," really, or "appreciation," but not the quivery-butterflies-cloud nine-moonstruck-gobsmacked thing, ever, ever. Not even slightly. What's scary about that is that I feel nearly sure that if I hadn't met this one fellow (we're still happy together, a million years later) maybe it would never have happened for me at all, because I've just never been the type who gets crushes and / or fluttery feelings easily, and whatever did go on at all that way was spectacularly short-lived.
I even married (and divorced) before finding my love, and it was because the guy was the smartest, funniest, most original and fundamentally decent* guy I knew... who had also pursued me so relentlessly that I eventually felt like, "well, maybe this is what love is?" He pinged on a lot of things that resonated with me, and he was sure. And persistent. But he was wrong, and so was I when I thought that maybe liking a lot things about someone and feeling very warmly about them was the real-world version of love. The real-world version of love is not necessarily like a RomCom, but I feel like it doesn't involve a significant burden of doubt over an extended period about whether one is in love or not for most emotionally stable/secure people. (I clumsily phrase it this way because abuse, neglect and trauma can confuse and screw with everything in someone's life, especially emotions, and this requires some help to sort out). It may strike like lightning, or it may unexpectedly sneak up over time, but however it presents, it's unmistakable when it announces itself, and it changes (like wine, or perfume!), but doesn't fade.
For what it's worth, I had known my now-husband for a few years socially, and always thought he was outrageously attractive (and I wasn't the only one, by far. oy), but didn't get any crush-y thing until we had our first date, which was not exactly a date, but we ran into each other and spent the afternoon talking and talking and talking and drinking wine... and I was felled. So. Completely. Forever.
* some deep, deep complications there as it turned out, but even so, still pretty solid in a whole lot of ways.
posted by taz at 10:28 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
I even married (and divorced) before finding my love, and it was because the guy was the smartest, funniest, most original and fundamentally decent* guy I knew... who had also pursued me so relentlessly that I eventually felt like, "well, maybe this is what love is?" He pinged on a lot of things that resonated with me, and he was sure. And persistent. But he was wrong, and so was I when I thought that maybe liking a lot things about someone and feeling very warmly about them was the real-world version of love. The real-world version of love is not necessarily like a RomCom, but I feel like it doesn't involve a significant burden of doubt over an extended period about whether one is in love or not for most emotionally stable/secure people. (I clumsily phrase it this way because abuse, neglect and trauma can confuse and screw with everything in someone's life, especially emotions, and this requires some help to sort out). It may strike like lightning, or it may unexpectedly sneak up over time, but however it presents, it's unmistakable when it announces itself, and it changes (like wine, or perfume!), but doesn't fade.
For what it's worth, I had known my now-husband for a few years socially, and always thought he was outrageously attractive (and I wasn't the only one, by far. oy), but didn't get any crush-y thing until we had our first date, which was not exactly a date, but we ran into each other and spent the afternoon talking and talking and talking and drinking wine... and I was felled. So. Completely. Forever.
* some deep, deep complications there as it turned out, but even so, still pretty solid in a whole lot of ways.
posted by taz at 10:28 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
One thing I wish someone had told me was that not all dating needs to end with, "...and then we got married!". I wish someone had told me that you can just date to have fun, without it being all serious and ZOMG IS THIS THE ONE. Not that I'm disparaging taz's point above - s/he has a very good point about what It feels like - but I always felt like dating had to Be Something or I needed to drop it immediately. Dating is not the same as a job interview, and if I could go back and tell my too-serious self something, this would be on the list.
So on the flip side, I would say: it doesn't have to be serious, either. Are you having fun? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Great! Whether or not he is The One, you can still go out and have a great time, until you're not, and then if/when you're not, you can stop.
posted by RogueTech at 10:42 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
So on the flip side, I would say: it doesn't have to be serious, either. Are you having fun? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Great! Whether or not he is The One, you can still go out and have a great time, until you're not, and then if/when you're not, you can stop.
posted by RogueTech at 10:42 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with others that there are things here that ping my anxiety radar - the fact that you were more interested in him when he was unavailable, the way you pined for the first guy till you got him. Maybe this is all just a function of attraction. But it also sounds like you might want to reject him before you feel "obligated" to him, or to dump him before he could dump you.
If any of that jibes with the way you feel, consider therapy to talk about why having someone sincerely interested in you bothers you and how to better understand what you want/need in a romantic relationship.
posted by ldthomps at 10:44 AM on September 23, 2013
If any of that jibes with the way you feel, consider therapy to talk about why having someone sincerely interested in you bothers you and how to better understand what you want/need in a romantic relationship.
posted by ldthomps at 10:44 AM on September 23, 2013
I'm dating someone fantastic, but I feel nothing.
Based solely on this interesting characterization (you didn't say, "but I'm not attracted to him") I'll ask -- are you taking any medications that might dull your senses? Leave you feeling physically disconnected in general? Some anti-depressants have that effect, and you might mention to your doctor and tinker with your meds, if you're on them.
posted by thinkpiece at 11:10 AM on September 23, 2013
Based solely on this interesting characterization (you didn't say, "but I'm not attracted to him") I'll ask -- are you taking any medications that might dull your senses? Leave you feeling physically disconnected in general? Some anti-depressants have that effect, and you might mention to your doctor and tinker with your meds, if you're on them.
posted by thinkpiece at 11:10 AM on September 23, 2013
It's great that you recognize this as a possibility now. I had that problem and it took me a while to get over it. For me it was having been raised in an unstable situation where love ran hot/cold, which led me to associate love with distancing behaviors.
I recall how a boyfriend's unequivocal affection for me would actually push me away. Sometimes I even felt a physical sense of disgust. The person I had been attracted to had suddenly transformed into someone I could no longer imagine being physical with (or felt nothing from his touch), thanks to my fear of or maybe my unfamiliarity with intimacy. Part of that was my childhood experiences, part of that was because I was extremely shy and spent far too much time daydreaming about someone I liked rather than meeting him IRL. Maybe my sudden change in affection had something to do with not being able to accept intimacy IRL over the safety of a daydream. While I've gotten over it for the most time, I'd probably still have a hard time being in a relationship with someone who overwhelmed me with affection.
So that's what it can be like for someone who did have that problem. Some of the things you say do ring a bell. Especially that you pined for him when he ignored you, then seemingly lost your attraction when it became clear that he liked you. Yep, that sounds really familiar. But don't assume this is the case either. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of relationship experience yet and you're still getting to know yourself.
I'd just track your romantic feelings in a journal for a while. Do you see a pattern emerging? Does a love interest's ignoring you or rejecting you reignite your feeling for him whereas clear declarations of his affection for you push you away? Do you find yourself easily manipulated by hot/cold behavior? (a period of regular texting, followed by unwarranted silence leaves you frantic) If not, carry on. If so I'd go talk to a therapist and figure out why you're reacting this way. Disclaimer: IANAT
posted by lillian.elmtree at 11:25 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
I recall how a boyfriend's unequivocal affection for me would actually push me away. Sometimes I even felt a physical sense of disgust. The person I had been attracted to had suddenly transformed into someone I could no longer imagine being physical with (or felt nothing from his touch), thanks to my fear of or maybe my unfamiliarity with intimacy. Part of that was my childhood experiences, part of that was because I was extremely shy and spent far too much time daydreaming about someone I liked rather than meeting him IRL. Maybe my sudden change in affection had something to do with not being able to accept intimacy IRL over the safety of a daydream. While I've gotten over it for the most time, I'd probably still have a hard time being in a relationship with someone who overwhelmed me with affection.
So that's what it can be like for someone who did have that problem. Some of the things you say do ring a bell. Especially that you pined for him when he ignored you, then seemingly lost your attraction when it became clear that he liked you. Yep, that sounds really familiar. But don't assume this is the case either. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of relationship experience yet and you're still getting to know yourself.
I'd just track your romantic feelings in a journal for a while. Do you see a pattern emerging? Does a love interest's ignoring you or rejecting you reignite your feeling for him whereas clear declarations of his affection for you push you away? Do you find yourself easily manipulated by hot/cold behavior? (a period of regular texting, followed by unwarranted silence leaves you frantic) If not, carry on. If so I'd go talk to a therapist and figure out why you're reacting this way. Disclaimer: IANAT
posted by lillian.elmtree at 11:25 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Gosh, thank you for all the considerate replies!
A few things:
I've been clear with him, and he's been accepting of the fact that the longest this relationship will last is 2 years, as I will be graduating then and leaving the country. So this is definitely not going to lead into marriage/The One.
I didn't really know where to put it in the original description, but I was physically abused for most of my life. My family was not touchy-feely at all, and when they were it would feel strange and alienating for me. Now that I'm in a safe and caring environment I want to change, I'm starting to change, but in general hugging and physical contact is something I'm not too comfortable with. I think I'm so frustrated by my lack of ~feeling~ because I've wanted to feel for so long.
The most worrying thing about all of this, I guess, is that I don't want to hurt him terribly. He knows that I'm not where he is right now in the relationship, but he's becoming so invested that if I break up with him in a few months it really is going to hurt him terribly. I'm very concerned about this because that's exactly what happened in my previous relationship.
tl;dr - I should talk to a therapist
posted by facehugger at 12:11 PM on September 23, 2013
A few things:
I've been clear with him, and he's been accepting of the fact that the longest this relationship will last is 2 years, as I will be graduating then and leaving the country. So this is definitely not going to lead into marriage/The One.
I didn't really know where to put it in the original description, but I was physically abused for most of my life. My family was not touchy-feely at all, and when they were it would feel strange and alienating for me. Now that I'm in a safe and caring environment I want to change, I'm starting to change, but in general hugging and physical contact is something I'm not too comfortable with. I think I'm so frustrated by my lack of ~feeling~ because I've wanted to feel for so long.
The most worrying thing about all of this, I guess, is that I don't want to hurt him terribly. He knows that I'm not where he is right now in the relationship, but he's becoming so invested that if I break up with him in a few months it really is going to hurt him terribly. I'm very concerned about this because that's exactly what happened in my previous relationship.
tl;dr - I should talk to a therapist
posted by facehugger at 12:11 PM on September 23, 2013
All I feel are his hands on me, not the sparks of love and vulnerability that I expect, or have been told to expect.
I don't know who's told you this, but it's a very highly romanticized view of things. Are you enjoying him at all -- if you are don't feel that you must break up because you aren't getting these idealized "sparks".
posted by yohko at 1:46 PM on September 23, 2013
I don't know who's told you this, but it's a very highly romanticized view of things. Are you enjoying him at all -- if you are don't feel that you must break up because you aren't getting these idealized "sparks".
posted by yohko at 1:46 PM on September 23, 2013
You're not really dating. You've seen this guy three times. Slow your roll.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:52 PM on September 23, 2013
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:52 PM on September 23, 2013
*trigger warning*
Oh my gosh, yes. If you've had issues with physical abuse in your past, definitely please see a therapist. I went to a CBT therapist for help in dealing with PTSD stemming from when I was raped; CBT worked well for me, but there are a variety of types of therapy that can work for physical abuse survivors.
Taz nailed it with this: "I feel like it doesn't involve a significant burden of doubt over an extended period about whether one is in love or not for most emotionally stable/secure people. (I clumsily phrase it this way because abuse, neglect and trauma can confuse and screw with everything in someone's life, especially emotions, and this requires some help to sort out)."
Be gentle with yourself. I understand (really, really understand) wanting to be Ta-Da! All better now!, but it will take time and a lot of self care.
For now, if it were me, since you've only been on a few dates, I'd start working with a therapist but maybe not tell him about the abuse yet. You'll know when the time is right, but I found that giving the relationship some time before Letting Him Know to be very helpful. (If you've already let him know, that's ok too. You know yourself and the pace you need. I just figured I would mention it).
posted by RogueTech at 9:33 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh my gosh, yes. If you've had issues with physical abuse in your past, definitely please see a therapist. I went to a CBT therapist for help in dealing with PTSD stemming from when I was raped; CBT worked well for me, but there are a variety of types of therapy that can work for physical abuse survivors.
Taz nailed it with this: "I feel like it doesn't involve a significant burden of doubt over an extended period about whether one is in love or not for most emotionally stable/secure people. (I clumsily phrase it this way because abuse, neglect and trauma can confuse and screw with everything in someone's life, especially emotions, and this requires some help to sort out)."
Be gentle with yourself. I understand (really, really understand) wanting to be Ta-Da! All better now!, but it will take time and a lot of self care.
For now, if it were me, since you've only been on a few dates, I'd start working with a therapist but maybe not tell him about the abuse yet. You'll know when the time is right, but I found that giving the relationship some time before Letting Him Know to be very helpful. (If you've already let him know, that's ok too. You know yourself and the pace you need. I just figured I would mention it).
posted by RogueTech at 9:33 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In fact, you may find yourself being crazy attracted to someone with all the "wrong" boxes checked. That's just part of figuring out what's actually important to you in a partner.
With this guy though, it sounds like you want to move on but don't trust your own feelings. You should trust your own feelings.
posted by the jam at 8:09 AM on September 23, 2013 [3 favorites]