Asking someone out after job rejection
September 17, 2013 6:20 PM   Subscribe

So I didn't get the job, sadly, but I'm interested in asking out one of the people who interviewed me (not the hiring manager). I'm female, he's male, we're both in our early 30s. Would that be weird? It's a fairly casual organization, but I may be interested in applying for another job there in the future...
posted by three_red_balloons to Human Relations (28 answers total)
Unfortunately, I do think that would be very weird. Sorry.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:21 PM on September 17, 2013 [19 favorites]

Would that be weird?


It's a fairly casual organization, but I may be interested in applying for another job there in the future...

Definitely do not ask this person out.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:22 PM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Holy Inappropriate Batman!

No! And certainly not if you plan on interviewing there in the future.

Don't shit where you eat, or where you might eat.

There are plenty of guys out there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:22 PM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Yeah I wouldn't either.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:26 PM on September 17, 2013

Nope, don't do it. It would be weird, and could easily tank your chances for future jobs there. And if it's a small industry, word gets around.
posted by rtha at 6:28 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Agree, unless, is it a business with a thriving social community, like say film or music where you'd meet this guy in a social event. So if everyone are buds, exceptional environment, maybe, but really, no.
posted by sammyo at 6:30 PM on September 17, 2013

The only way that I would do this is if you became acquainted with this person outside of the place that he works. And even then it'd still be kind of awkward, but at least it'd have some context other than what you've got right now. And even then, I don't know if I would personally do it.
posted by sm1tten at 6:36 PM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

No this is definitely weird.
posted by sweetkid at 6:39 PM on September 17, 2013

This could be perceived as inappropriate by a lot of people and it would likely damage your chances of getting hired there in the future. Don't shit where you might eat some day, as it were.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:40 PM on September 17, 2013

Which is harder for you to find, a date or a job? If it's a job, do not ask this person out. If it's a date, go for it, but don't apply there again.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:42 PM on September 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

Hah, I was on the other side of this where I wanted to ask out a hottie that didn't get the job at my work, and he was clearly interested., you can't. Too weird.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:54 PM on September 17, 2013

Depending on specifics this might not be weird.
posted by steinsaltz at 7:12 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Definitely weird to do it now, or if you want to work there in the future. Fine to do it after you get a job elsewhere, though, if you still want to at that point.
posted by 168 at 7:47 PM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Totally agree with everyone saying it is too weird/unprofessional. Perhaps you can add him as a contact on LinkedIn and once a significant chunk of time passes and you have no expectation of a job at his organization, ask to meet up socially but as for the immediate future, this is a no go.
posted by katemcd at 9:35 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I once chatted with a girl at an airport bar who was stuck writing the speech for her sister's wedding. Apparently they met when he was recruiting for a job she applied for — that detail obviously didn't make the speech, but there you go, it happens… (I think he did give her the job though.)
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 9:51 PM on September 17, 2013

This is how my dad met my mom. Worked out for them!
posted by annekate at 10:12 PM on September 17, 2013

Seems I'm the weirdo here, but I don't see a problem with, "Dear (name), I didn't get the job we discussed, though I enjoyed meeting you and hope the conversation might continue over a beverage. All best, TRB"
posted by ambient2 at 11:12 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you literally only met him during the interview process, then yes, I think it's a little bit weird to ask him out romantically. If there is some way to get to know him outside of the job interview process or if there could be a legitimate professional purpose for interacting with him again, you could give it a try. The thing that gives me the most pause is that you want to apply there again. If you didn't care about working at his company, I'd say you have nothing to lose other than some guy thinking you're weird -- it'd be worth the risk if future employment wasn't in the equation.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:10 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Eww, no. Sorry, but that is treading too close to creepazoid behavior. Unless he gave you very, very strong signals of romantic interest -- basically, bludgeoned you over the head -- it's inappropriate and unprofessional.

I would be super-squicked out if an interviewee hit on me, even if it were done politely. Yuuuck.
posted by nacho fries at 12:11 AM on September 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Really weird and bridge-burny. Definitely do not do this if you plan to ever apply there again.

Why do you want to ask this person out? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Do you actually know this person, outside of the interview process?

Then again, if you make peace with the idea of never applying there ever again...then I suppose the worst that could happen would be rejection? But be warned, if the feelings are not reciprocated, then you will almost certainly become the topic of unflattering gossip about how you are super duper weird.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:30 AM on September 18, 2013

To add a few more details (wrote this very quickly on my phone last night)--I currently have a job, but they recruited me to apply. I know employees there (including this guy) socially already. I have the sense he's interested, and wanted to let him know I'm interested, too. I had a 5-year relationship in the past with someone I met at work (and have to say I take slight offense to the phrase 'shitting where you eat'). None of my relationships have ever ended on terms where it would be strange to work together, honestly. Anyway, I guess I have a very unconventional viewpoint on this, so I probably won't say anything. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:20 AM on September 18, 2013

Even if you don't plan on applying there again, I still think this would be weird. Moreover, if I were the person being asked, I would find it weird in a way that would be nigh-impossible to keep to myself. This isn't cool, I know, but tongues would wag, and jokes might happen at your expense.

On preview, if you know this guy socially anyway I guess you could consider asking him at some point down the road (assuming you continue to have social contact with him), but I would definitely not pursue him so soon after he's interviewed you for a job. Asking right now kind of reads like, "Oh well, I didn't get the job, will you be my consolation prize?"
posted by DingoMutt at 8:00 AM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm gonna go against the grain here I guess..

I don't know why expressing interest in someone is so "creepy"?

I mean, if you know the guy, you've met, both single, find him attractive and interesting, you're not his underling or vice versa in an office situation, what exactly is the problem?

I guess I don't find it creepy to be asked out, as long as it's not done in a creepy way, and if someone asked me out and I'd rather not go out with a person I may eventually work with, I would decline and explain and expect to not have awkward feelings after anyways. but I also usually end relationships on good terms and don't enjoy or generally date people who do enjoy, the drama.
posted by euphoria066 at 10:12 AM on September 18, 2013

It's creepy because it's weird to feel like you can never get away from sexual undertones even in a highly professional setting. It's disturbing to think that here you are at work, mind on the job, interviewing someone, and they are sitting there thinking about how they would like to bone you. Asking someone out after only meeting in those circumstances is uncomfortably pointing out possible sexual intent of every day interactions that we don't like to think about. It's a dude though so maybe he feels less threatened by this approach and you seem to know him somewhat beforehand so maybe if you tread very very carefully. PS I dont care about dating someone AT work if your relationship naturally grows that way...
posted by Valkyrie21 at 11:14 AM on September 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you already know him and seeing him again during the interview process was like a light bulb saying "Hey, I want to date this guy," I don't think that's weird at all. But I think if you know him socially, you may want to approach it from that angle rather than "Hey, you just interviewed me for a job and didn't hire me, but let's date."
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:18 AM on September 18, 2013

Neither creepy nor weird, the worst he may do is be flattered but firmly say no. If the genders were reversed I would say the opposite, but they aren't, so I will say this. Ask him straight out in an email or on Facebook. "Hey thanks for everyone during this process, I thought we kind of hit it off, want to grab a drink/coffee sometime?"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:06 PM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I know employees there (including this guy) socially already. I have the sense he's interested, and wanted to let him know I'm interested, too.

So chat him up next time you just happen to see him socially, and don't treat the interview like it's your chance to ask him out. Don't make a big thing, or even mention it at all, out of wanting to ask him out based on the interview specifically.
posted by yohko at 6:44 PM on September 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't find it creepy if I was asked out after an interview even if we didn't know each other socially beforehand. I think there may be a double standard involved in the answers here, though; I agree with Potomac Avenue that if the genders are reversed it would be more problematic.

Since you do have the option to meet with him socially, though, I'd probably wait to ask him out until I saw him again in a more conventional setting. Maybe arrange a Happy Hour?
posted by Thoughtcrime at 3:37 PM on September 19, 2013

« Older Help me switch my phone from one provider to...   |   Advice for a new/soon-to-be paraplegic? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.