Drag my a** to therapy!
September 16, 2013 11:32 PM Subscribe
Help me be brave enough to schedule my first therapy appointment and actually go. The whole idea completely freaks me out. What can I expect? And how do I be a good patient and get the most out of it? I have never been good at talking about things, to the extent that I used to leave even my mom notes, slide them under the door, and hide. Obviously, I need to go - but *ack*!
(There is no reason for this per se, my mom was great - I'm just super introverted and private and so is most of my family.) Also, I have PCOS and think my hormones are out of whack - I've been really anxious the past few days (on my period - really abnormally weepy and anxious - not fun), which means I really need to do this and means it is also doubly difficult.
I have the next available appt. with my doctor, but it's not for another three weeks.
(There is no reason for this per se, my mom was great - I'm just super introverted and private and so is most of my family.) Also, I have PCOS and think my hormones are out of whack - I've been really anxious the past few days (on my period - really abnormally weepy and anxious - not fun), which means I really need to do this and means it is also doubly difficult.
I have the next available appt. with my doctor, but it's not for another three weeks.
Some therapists will agree to some things to make the conversation less in-your-face, like you can find one who will talk to you over the phone or even by email or instant message, or you can find one who will sit facing away from you, or you can sit facing away from them. Or you can just say that you might have a hard time getting stuff out so you wrote some things down and brought it in for them to read, and it might be easier if they ask you questions about it. Etc., etc. You can talk to them on the phone beforehand and ask what they're willing to do.
posted by cairdeas at 11:51 PM on September 16, 2013
posted by cairdeas at 11:51 PM on September 16, 2013
A therapist is probably the one person in your life who won't judge for being anxious. You can be as weird and awkward and out-of-sorts as you like, and he or she will take it in stride. It's actually a huge comfort.
posted by jaguar at 11:56 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 11:56 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Remember, no matter what you tell them, your therapist is not going to be surprised, shocked, upset or otherwise perturbed. This is their job.
posted by deadwax at 1:24 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by deadwax at 1:24 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
It is absolutely okay to write something down in advance if you're more comfortable with that. Make a list of things that are bothering you or things you are hoping to get from the sessions. You might not even need it, but if you arrive and find you're too choked to talk straight away, it may make you feel better if you can give them something to read while you acclimatise.
posted by the latin mouse at 1:47 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by the latin mouse at 1:47 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
As for making and getting yourself to the appointment, just stop thinking about it and do it. Turn it into a mechanized (unemotional) procedure of some sort. E.g., "At 2:30 I'm going to call to make an appointment for next week". And then don't think about it again until it is time to get in your car (or on the bus, whatever) and go. Face the fear and do it anyway.
Tell your therapist at the first appointment pretty much exactly what you've told us all here (print it out and bring it if it helps). Then let that person take the lead. Relax and go with it.
As others said, not all therapists are good or a "good fit" with you, so after an appointment or two or three, I'd step back and consider whether you are getting something out of the process. In a previous comment, this is how I think that you can evaluate that.
Good luck - you'll be fine!
posted by Halo in reverse at 2:19 AM on September 17, 2013
Tell your therapist at the first appointment pretty much exactly what you've told us all here (print it out and bring it if it helps). Then let that person take the lead. Relax and go with it.
As others said, not all therapists are good or a "good fit" with you, so after an appointment or two or three, I'd step back and consider whether you are getting something out of the process. In a previous comment, this is how I think that you can evaluate that.
Good luck - you'll be fine!
posted by Halo in reverse at 2:19 AM on September 17, 2013
There are occasional exceptions, of course, but personally: My worst therapists have made me feel like I've wasted the hours I spent talking to them. Which could make me hesitant to do it again, and then I remember the number of time I've wasted several hours playing something like Candy Crush Saga, and since at least with therapists you've got a strong chance of it being productive, hey, why not. Zero chance of being productive if I'm just staying home poking around on the internet. Etc.
You don't have to be good at talking about things. It's a learned skill and you will suck at it, at first, most likely. I mean, I did. But part of their training is learning how to deal with people who suck at talking, and so even the therapists who I haven't found very helpful have generally been quite good at that part.
And then, yeah, just accept that it's okay that you're afraid and nervous and stuff, and do it anyway.
posted by Sequence at 2:57 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't have to be good at talking about things. It's a learned skill and you will suck at it, at first, most likely. I mean, I did. But part of their training is learning how to deal with people who suck at talking, and so even the therapists who I haven't found very helpful have generally been quite good at that part.
And then, yeah, just accept that it's okay that you're afraid and nervous and stuff, and do it anyway.
posted by Sequence at 2:57 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
What can you expect?
You will probably sit in a waiting room and fill out some paperwork. If you don't want to fill in all the info leave it blank. The therapist will walk you to her/his office. They will say say something vague like "What brings you here?" Or "What's going on?" Then, this is the most awesome part of it all: you can say or do whatever you want! It honestly will not matter. Therapy is totally a process of starting from wherever you are and going from there.
You can expect that you feel a million times better after your first visit, and that you will have doubts and feel shaky and lots of other feelings. It's all OK.
You can expect that your therapist will listen, will keep good boundaries, will be non-judgemental, and will let you do the work.
Sometimes you can ask someone else to make the appointment for you: maybe a family member or your doctor or a friend. If not, write the words on paper, read them out loud like 20 times, then dial the number and read them over the phone.
I'm glad you are doing this for yourself.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:12 AM on September 17, 2013
You will probably sit in a waiting room and fill out some paperwork. If you don't want to fill in all the info leave it blank. The therapist will walk you to her/his office. They will say say something vague like "What brings you here?" Or "What's going on?" Then, this is the most awesome part of it all: you can say or do whatever you want! It honestly will not matter. Therapy is totally a process of starting from wherever you are and going from there.
You can expect that you feel a million times better after your first visit, and that you will have doubts and feel shaky and lots of other feelings. It's all OK.
You can expect that your therapist will listen, will keep good boundaries, will be non-judgemental, and will let you do the work.
Sometimes you can ask someone else to make the appointment for you: maybe a family member or your doctor or a friend. If not, write the words on paper, read them out loud like 20 times, then dial the number and read them over the phone.
I'm glad you are doing this for yourself.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:12 AM on September 17, 2013
here's a good article that will answer some of your questions about what to expect: how to choose a therapist. i wish i'd known about the whole concept of finding a good therapist "fit" when i first tried therapy when i was young. basically, you want to find someone who you feel comfortable with and feel like you click with and can open up to and trust in time. if you meet with a potential therapist a few times and you just don't feel like you click with the therapist then i'd try a different one. therapy can be a bit hit or miss as far as the therapist's personality and whether or not they are actually helpful to you.
if talking is really difficult for you you might want to consider something like one of the expressive therapies like art therapy or music therapy. i believe there are some who utilize writing therapy as well. they are a way to express what is going on with you in non-verbal ways. fortunately, no artistic skill of any type is needed for them. if you decide to go that route just click on the professional organization at the bottom of the wiki page and they should be able to give you some therapist referrals. whatever you decide just be gentle with yourself. you'll do just fine.
posted by wildflower at 3:49 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
if talking is really difficult for you you might want to consider something like one of the expressive therapies like art therapy or music therapy. i believe there are some who utilize writing therapy as well. they are a way to express what is going on with you in non-verbal ways. fortunately, no artistic skill of any type is needed for them. if you decide to go that route just click on the professional organization at the bottom of the wiki page and they should be able to give you some therapist referrals. whatever you decide just be gentle with yourself. you'll do just fine.
posted by wildflower at 3:49 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some words of encouragement - I am 18 months into seeing my second therapist. I saw one therapist for a year, thought she was good at the time, but on reflection not so much. It was interesting but it didn't really dig deep enough. With the new one, I have tied up some unrequited romantic baggae and started a new relationship (3 months in), assuaged a huge amount of my fears and anxiety about work, and am feeling really refreshed and optimistic about my job, have much deeper understanding of how defensive my anger is, and it's much less likely to go off than it used. I've even started exercising again and stopped smoking! I don't want to sound too smug but it can and does work, though it may take a while to find what works for you.
A tip - whatever style of therapy your therapist does, see if you find it intellectually stimulating and start reading up about it. I think mine has borne fruit because I'm engaged with the discipline and turn up wanting to "do the work". BTW I disagree with what someone wrote above about it being the therapist's job. That's kinda true but ultmately they are putting you in touch with your own resources, stuff that's already there, if you are just clear enough to see it. It's not your normal consumer relationship - though you may have to "shop around". Good luck!
posted by dannyl at 4:55 AM on September 17, 2013
A tip - whatever style of therapy your therapist does, see if you find it intellectually stimulating and start reading up about it. I think mine has borne fruit because I'm engaged with the discipline and turn up wanting to "do the work". BTW I disagree with what someone wrote above about it being the therapist's job. That's kinda true but ultmately they are putting you in touch with your own resources, stuff that's already there, if you are just clear enough to see it. It's not your normal consumer relationship - though you may have to "shop around". Good luck!
posted by dannyl at 4:55 AM on September 17, 2013
When you call to make the appointment it will be like scheduling a haircut or a dental cleaning. You'll give information about your insurance and a time will be set.
Just show up. There's not pre-course work. You can start off with, "I'm very introverted so this is hard for me." Your therapist will take it from there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:00 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just show up. There's not pre-course work. You can start off with, "I'm very introverted so this is hard for me." Your therapist will take it from there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:00 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you can't talk to your therapist, you can give them notes. I have done this. Don't worry, they've seen it all. Just tell them that you don't know what to expect and that you're uncomfortable with this experience.
posted by windykites at 7:26 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by windykites at 7:26 AM on September 17, 2013
For me, visualization works really well. I find that, for me, anxiety is usually a fear of the unknown, often 'built up' in my mind. Most of the time, when I'm on the other side of whatever I don't want to do, I think, 'that wasn't as bad as I thought!' So I kinda use visualization to deconstruct the thing I'm worried of facing.
Visualize getting dressed, getting in the car, entering the building, talking to the receptionist, waiting in the waiting room, going into the office, sitting down, talking to your therapist, saying hi, etc.
Anything that is anxiety inducing, kinda visualize yourself doing in great detail and calmly. Any moment that 'sticks' in your mind and makes you fearful -- for example, being afraid of some vague feeling of meeting someone new-- imagine being on the other side of that moment. Don't fixate on the meeting, but fixate on the steps you'd take. Smiling at them, saying hello, sitting down, possibly shaking their hand, and working through the part that scares you.
Visualize yourself being okay, happy, and calm in the task you want to do. Take the calmness of where you feel safe, and kind of transfer it to the visualization. Don't fixate on the parts that scares you too much, because I find it kind of builds it up and that's a big part of anxiety in the first place. Instead, imagine yourself on the other side of that moment; past the 'worst' part.
And any time you imagine something bad, and your mind starts to wander with worst-case scenarios, replace it with something good. Things going right, not things going wrong. Alternatively, face what scares you about it, and talk it down in your mind. Let's say awkwardness? Okay, bask in the mind-awkwardness, and then go past that moment. What happens next? You're sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes? What's happening? Nothing, except a few minutes of not knowing what to say. Deconstruct the 'bad' moment. What's the worst that can happen thanks to the awkwardness? Again, nothing. It's just a benign moment in time that will be over soon.
This helps me, so, hopefully it's of some help to you. It's never as bad as you think. You can do it! Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 7:40 AM on September 17, 2013
Visualize getting dressed, getting in the car, entering the building, talking to the receptionist, waiting in the waiting room, going into the office, sitting down, talking to your therapist, saying hi, etc.
Anything that is anxiety inducing, kinda visualize yourself doing in great detail and calmly. Any moment that 'sticks' in your mind and makes you fearful -- for example, being afraid of some vague feeling of meeting someone new-- imagine being on the other side of that moment. Don't fixate on the meeting, but fixate on the steps you'd take. Smiling at them, saying hello, sitting down, possibly shaking their hand, and working through the part that scares you.
Visualize yourself being okay, happy, and calm in the task you want to do. Take the calmness of where you feel safe, and kind of transfer it to the visualization. Don't fixate on the parts that scares you too much, because I find it kind of builds it up and that's a big part of anxiety in the first place. Instead, imagine yourself on the other side of that moment; past the 'worst' part.
And any time you imagine something bad, and your mind starts to wander with worst-case scenarios, replace it with something good. Things going right, not things going wrong. Alternatively, face what scares you about it, and talk it down in your mind. Let's say awkwardness? Okay, bask in the mind-awkwardness, and then go past that moment. What happens next? You're sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes? What's happening? Nothing, except a few minutes of not knowing what to say. Deconstruct the 'bad' moment. What's the worst that can happen thanks to the awkwardness? Again, nothing. It's just a benign moment in time that will be over soon.
This helps me, so, hopefully it's of some help to you. It's never as bad as you think. You can do it! Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 7:40 AM on September 17, 2013
I've been to a therapist before. The first appointment was extra long and I want to tell you, we did not just jump right into "hey, what are your biggest problems/neuroses?" First she just asked a few questions about my background, family, and life to get a sense of who I was and the setting of the issues I wanted to talk about. It was amazing how fast the time passed just talking about these things.
It was sort of like having a conversation with a new friend, except that you never had to worry about asking them about themselves in return or whether they wanted to keep on with the conversation or anything. I felt a little weird going in there (and I still get a little weirded out when she says things like "where in your body do you feel that emotion?") but overall I think she's great and that the sessions were actually pretty relaxing rather than stressful, even when we talked about things that were sad or distressing.
Don't worry about being a 'good patient' except to the extent that it is important to know what you want to address and be able to explain it to them (or give them a little writeup explaining it). I found that if I didn't focus in on the point of the visit, I could waste a bunch of time that I was paying pretty big bucks for because she's just a pleasant conversationalist and willing to talk about me for as long as I want to....
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:49 AM on September 17, 2013
It was sort of like having a conversation with a new friend, except that you never had to worry about asking them about themselves in return or whether they wanted to keep on with the conversation or anything. I felt a little weird going in there (and I still get a little weirded out when she says things like "where in your body do you feel that emotion?") but overall I think she's great and that the sessions were actually pretty relaxing rather than stressful, even when we talked about things that were sad or distressing.
Don't worry about being a 'good patient' except to the extent that it is important to know what you want to address and be able to explain it to them (or give them a little writeup explaining it). I found that if I didn't focus in on the point of the visit, I could waste a bunch of time that I was paying pretty big bucks for because she's just a pleasant conversationalist and willing to talk about me for as long as I want to....
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:49 AM on September 17, 2013
I wrote stuff down for my first couple of sessions because I'm bad at talking about what's in my head. I'm also awkward and weird but the whole confidentiality thing gives me a lot of comfort so I just decided to talk and voice whatever is in my head. It was hard to do at first, and still is, but it felt like a weight had been lifted when I realized I could just talk about whatever and wouldn't be judged and could get things off my chest. It was really a huge relief to me that I could do that and have someone respond back to that stuff without judgment.
Also nthing don't worry about being a good patient, but I do like to think things over and sort of go in knowing what I want to talk about in therapy just so that I can get the most out of it.
posted by fromageball at 8:59 AM on September 17, 2013
Also nthing don't worry about being a good patient, but I do like to think things over and sort of go in knowing what I want to talk about in therapy just so that I can get the most out of it.
posted by fromageball at 8:59 AM on September 17, 2013
If you have a diary, it might help to bring that. I printed excerpts from my livejournal concerning the points and period in my life I wanted to talk about.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 10:43 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by LoonyLovegood at 10:43 AM on September 17, 2013
One of the things I enjoyed about my time in therapy was that I didn't have to be entirely sure of something before I said it. I could toy something over, "try it out", and talk in through to see how I felt about it and what it meant.
I think usually when people communicate they have, or feel they should have, concrete ideas of what kind of point they're trying to make. That can feel like a lot of pressure sometimes.
Don't worry about being a bad patient, your therapist went through a lot of training to be able prompt patients when they need it and help them explore things in a way that's meaningful and appropriate for them.
Notes are fine!
Keep a list between sessions of things you'd like to share or focus on if that's something you're comfortable doing. My therapist would sometimes give me exercises (thought logs) to work on between sessions that we would use as jumping off points in our next session.
Snaps to you for taking this step!!
I went into therapy scared, upset, and feeling out of control and left feeling accomplished, mature and proud of what I'd accomplished - this was in about 12 sessions over 6 months. Give it a try and you might surprise yourself with how helpful it can be!
posted by rubster at 5:47 PM on September 17, 2013
I think usually when people communicate they have, or feel they should have, concrete ideas of what kind of point they're trying to make. That can feel like a lot of pressure sometimes.
Don't worry about being a bad patient, your therapist went through a lot of training to be able prompt patients when they need it and help them explore things in a way that's meaningful and appropriate for them.
Notes are fine!
Keep a list between sessions of things you'd like to share or focus on if that's something you're comfortable doing. My therapist would sometimes give me exercises (thought logs) to work on between sessions that we would use as jumping off points in our next session.
Snaps to you for taking this step!!
I went into therapy scared, upset, and feeling out of control and left feeling accomplished, mature and proud of what I'd accomplished - this was in about 12 sessions over 6 months. Give it a try and you might surprise yourself with how helpful it can be!
posted by rubster at 5:47 PM on September 17, 2013
It is totally okay to show up and say "I'm feeling very anxious about being here." Lots of people haven't been to therapy before, so it's definitely the therapist's job to guide you.
Also, when I feel anxious about going to a situation like this (therapist, hairdresser, dentist) I tend to freak out about being stuck in a situation that might be unpleasant - so I try to remember that I'm a grown adult, and if it's seriously awful I could just leave. But it has never come to that - people are kind, and they are professionals, and it is their job to put you at ease.
posted by escapepod at 6:39 PM on September 17, 2013
Also, when I feel anxious about going to a situation like this (therapist, hairdresser, dentist) I tend to freak out about being stuck in a situation that might be unpleasant - so I try to remember that I'm a grown adult, and if it's seriously awful I could just leave. But it has never come to that - people are kind, and they are professionals, and it is their job to put you at ease.
posted by escapepod at 6:39 PM on September 17, 2013
Consider doing some dry runs. Go to the neighborhood where the therapist is. Check out the building. Even go inside and look at the waiting area if you can.
It might also help to remember where the power is in the relationship. You are the therapist's boss. You're going to interview her and paying her salary as long as she's doing a good job helping you out.
posted by jasper411 at 8:19 PM on September 17, 2013
It might also help to remember where the power is in the relationship. You are the therapist's boss. You're going to interview her and paying her salary as long as she's doing a good job helping you out.
posted by jasper411 at 8:19 PM on September 17, 2013
In my experience the first visit with the two therapists I've been involved (psychodymamic first and humanist after) with was just straight forward getting to know, who they were, their training and approach, confidentiality, punctuality etc and finding out a little bit about who you are, and the people around you and what you're hoping to achieve and generally setting the scene for your relationship, all in all I'd say it was nothing out of your usual experience of seeing a doctor or a dentist or whatever.
Like you I was quite concerned but its nothing to be overly worried about, chances are once this has been done you'll be bursting to talk about how you feel; for me, despite all my reservations all my first therapist, in asking me "how do you feel about love?" was just like hitting the start button in a pinball table - and I was off!
posted by Middlemarch at 8:27 AM on September 18, 2013
Like you I was quite concerned but its nothing to be overly worried about, chances are once this has been done you'll be bursting to talk about how you feel; for me, despite all my reservations all my first therapist, in asking me "how do you feel about love?" was just like hitting the start button in a pinball table - and I was off!
posted by Middlemarch at 8:27 AM on September 18, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
They are the professional and they will guide you.
You just show up, as you are and the rest will happen.
You DO NOT have to feel the pressure of being a good patient. You haven't studied for X number of years to be a patient. On the other hand, they have studied to become a therapist. They are the educated one in this practice, you aren't and you aren't expected to be.
Good things come from therapy, that's why you're going, right? And you know who makes good things happen? The therapist, that's why you're paying them!
You have the right to be excited and optimistic about taking this step for your future happiness.
My advice: Put your faith in this person and let them do their job for your hard earned cash.
Good luck! And good on you!
posted by Youremyworld at 11:43 PM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]