Mixed signals -- office edition

September 16, 2013 3:36 PM

My (married with child) female co-worker (please see this question) is giving me mixed signals. Is there any chance of logical explanation?

My friend and co-worker finally came back from maternity leave and we've resumed our friendship on somewhat more balanced level than before (no more hugging and cheek kissing, no more meeting outside work, no more clandestine feel in interactions). I restricted myself to occasional compliment and to standard bottle of alcoholic beverage as birthday present. We just talk for no more than 5 minutes every day.

My question is how should I interpret her behaviour:
- after I described her my marital problems she strongly advised divorce and now when divorce is in progress she is constantly asking about its progress and when it will be finalised (she asked more questions about it than my mother and sister);
- she shows jealousy of my wife; when I tried to patch thing with my wife for the last time she almost stopped talking to me and was rude in professional interactions, when I said to her that this attempt had failed she instantly became very nice;
- she literally hates my other female best and friend-co-worker (Said: "she's my enemy number one"), and often comments when I and she (my other co-worker) are working together on some project; also commented about my female summer interns;
- she constantly tries to cross intimacy boundaries: drinks my tea from my cup, eats my sandwich (which I had already bitten), takes my mobile phone and checks it out, berates me in front of other co-workers, rearrange items on my desk (it might be relevant that she is member of the secretarial pool and I'm one of the lawyers sharing this pool) -- I react to all this like if it isn't anything unusual;
- I would swear that she had started to takes more care in her clothes;
- last week she said: "It's a shame that you didn't came to work earlier because I was in the underwear trying different dresses girls were borrowing me. You could be there and admire me." (sorry about my poor translations skills);
- when we were discussing our height (also last week) she said "in these high heels I am taller than you, I could kiss you on your forehead".

On the other hand
- About a month ago she suddenly told me: "I like talking to you since you are making me laugh but I wouldn't bear you in marriage."
- Today I complimented her by saying that she looks pretty today. She thanked and said that she just looks as usual. I responded that perhaps I just like her just the way she is. She said: "that is not good, this way [after divorce] you will be unable to find someone for you". After that we just talked as usual.

This behaviour seems contradictory. What does she mean by it? [I don't intend to have affair with her; I just want to understand situation].

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You mean aside from setting you up for a harassment charge? She's a flirty twit who likes to screw with people, and if you aren't very careful, she'll take you down.
posted by sageleaf at 3:44 PM on September 16, 2013 [14 favorites]

She says she doesn't want to marry you, but acts like she does want to fuck you. This is not that unusual - people say one thing but act another way all the time.

Keep your distance. More distance.
posted by rtha at 3:44 PM on September 16, 2013 [17 favorites]

Talk about mixed signals! You told her she was pretty and talked about "liking" her. If that's typical of your interactions, you are encouraging her.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:45 PM on September 16, 2013 [8 favorites]

Let me clarify. You are also setting you up for a harassment charge. Stop flirting with her.
posted by sageleaf at 3:49 PM on September 16, 2013 [11 favorites]

Yeah, what are you doing? Just stay away. Be polite but relatively distant.
posted by Justinian at 3:50 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]

These signals don't sound mixed at all. She wants to have sex with you. She doesn't want to marry you. You are flirting with her and encouraging the whole thing.

If you don't want to have an affair then you need to start acting like you don't want an affair. Otherwise you will soon accidentally find yourself alone with her, and in the heat of the moment oh my goodness! I can't help myself! and then some time after that you can expect very embarrassing fireworks at work, as well as career-damaging gossip. Mind, you probably already have the career-damaging gossip.
posted by emilyw at 3:55 PM on September 16, 2013 [21 favorites]

There are no mixed messages here: she wants to have sex with you (but she doesn't want a long-term relationship with you), and even in your 5-minute interactions you are encouraging her.

At this point you can either distance yourself from her FOR REAL, or you can continue your interactions and almost certainly do real damage to your professional and personal life.
posted by scody at 4:04 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]

She's not giving you mixed signals. She's telling you quite clearly that she wants to maintain an inappropriate relationship with you. And now you need to tell her clearly that you will not be having that relationship. That means no more telling her she's pretty, no more spending any time alone with her, no more personal conversations of any kind.

She has taken her personal feelings out on you in a professional context. That's a terrible sign, and a signal that she can't be objective and neutral about this. You need to extricate yourself from this inappropriate relationship before you find your work-life suffering or find yourself slapped with a sexual harassment charge.
posted by decathecting at 4:09 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

You are sending mixed signals too. Things not to do with this person:

-Don't discuss your marital problems
-Don't discuss your divorce
-Don't compliment her appearance
-Don't discuss her, or your, appearance at all
-Don't discuss your other family, beyond vague statements like "They're doing fine"
-Really, just don't go beyond required workplace conversation and Hello/Good-bye/Have a nice day
-And don't be alone with her, whether at or away from the office

Beyond that: The cup-drinking and desk-rearranging would creep me right out. Those are boundary violations. It's much harder to establish a boundary after it's already been violated. So make sure you fully commit to the new boundaries you'll be setting, and work on re-establishing your other workspace and personal boundaries as best you can.
posted by expialidocious at 4:15 PM on September 16, 2013 [30 favorites]

The only confusing thing about this interaction is why you're risking your professional and personal relationships. Again. You should interpret her behavior as dangerous and your own behavior as complicit.
posted by sm1tten at 5:19 PM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]

- About a month ago she suddenly told me: "I like talking to you since you are making me laugh but I wouldn't bear you in marriage."

That is a deliberate flirt. No ambiguity there. Firstly, she's complimenting you and suggesting strong intimacy between the two of you in the future. Secondly, a partner that makes you laugh is a GOOD thing, so her statement is absurd and meant to make you think about being in a relationship with her.

- Today I complimented her by saying that she looks pretty today. She thanked and said that she just looks as usual. I responded that perhaps I just like her just the way she is. She said: "that is not good, this way [after divorce] you will be unable to find someone for you". After that we just talked as usual.

You chose to flirt with her. I'm not sure how to understand what she said, from the way you have related it, but you actually doubled-down on the flirting in response.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself about your attraction to her. In fact, you seem to be sending mixed signals.
posted by General Tonic at 6:15 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]

She is a controlling weirdo and I would get away from her ASAP.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:15 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]

yikes!

I'd advise stepping back from this particular ledge.
posted by jpe at 6:20 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

It seems to me like you are complicit in this pattern of behavior. Your female co-worker is establishing a pattern of emotional and physical intimacy with your agreement. There's no 'logical' in this, just human behavior, very natural stuff, except in the workplace where it can become a toxic burden of guilt and rejection should things go wrong.
How do they go wrong? Intimacy is one of the primary building blocks of a love relationship, with all the chemical cues that build up in us as sexually driven mammals. Interrupt that process and people get angry, hurt or vindictive. That can definitely happen, except at work you can't get away. All you can do is stick around through the misery and hostility from a rejected intimate. A long term relationship usually has the tools and stability to get through these types of problems. A romance fueled work place attachment does not, unless your co-worker is an unusually insightful and balanced human being.
posted by diode at 7:38 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

My (married with child) female co-worker (please see this question) is giving me mixed signals. Is there any chance of logical explanation?

Maybe you are seeing this as mixed signals because you think on the one hand she makes sexual comments about underwear and kissing, yet she is married with child, and how could she want to have sex with you when she is married with child?

You are being illogical to think that her flirting is innocent. People sometimes cheat on their spouses, even if they have children.

she constantly tries to cross intimacy boundaries: drinks my tea from my cup, eats my sandwich (which I had already bitten), takes my mobile phone and checks it out, berates me in front of other co-workers, rearrange items on my desk (it might be relevant that she is member of the secretarial pool and I'm one of the lawyers sharing this pool) -- I react to all this like if it isn't anything unusual

So you are reacting as though it is acceptable she takes your phone, food, tea and berates you? This is giving you a bad professional image and encouraging her behavior. When she does this you must say (in an emotionally neutral voice): "That's inappropriate." (This is assuming you use English at work, in other languages a different phrase may be more suitable.)

Quit flirting with her, be very professional and formal with her and don't make personal comments.

Try to find a way to keep her from coming into your office.

Do not talk about your divorce with her, if she asks you about your divorce or anything not related directly to work, say "That's none of your business" or "I am not interested in discussing my personal life".
posted by yohko at 10:37 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

You're both handling this pretty badly. Nobody should be talking about their divorce in the workplace. Nobody should be flirting in the workplace. Nobody should be eating other people's food or messing with someone else's phone in the workplace - wtf? Save those things for when you meet up outside of the workplace. If you don't meet up outside of the workplace, then it kinda shows how committed you are to all of this.

Pull right back. No chatting for 5 minutes a day, no discussing anything you shouldn't be discussing, no sharing of food. Doubly this if you're higher up the chain of command than she is - if you're in a position of power over her than that will be looked upon very unfavourably if a harassment case is raised. And rightfully so. If it's possible, get yourself another secretary.

She appears to be interested in having sex with you. You, for your own sake, need to make it clear that you're not interested. I'd caution against saying "I'm not interested in having sex with you", because that's remarkably presumptuous and a rather weird thing to say to anyone, especially in the workplace. Just withdraw any attention or affection beyond that which is absolutely necessary for you to get your job done. Being involved with someone who has such a disregard for social norms will likely backfire.
posted by Solomon at 2:23 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't know. I don't "describe my marital problems" to people with whom I "just talk for no more than 5 minutes every day".

The friendship is either intimate or it's casual. You can't use the external structure ("no more hugging and cheek kissing, no more meeting outside work") to say that it's casual, then have all the content be so intimate. This makes it sound like some teenage movie where the kids have to worry about their parents catching them so they have to concentrate all their feelings into just a few stolen moments.
posted by CathyG at 5:54 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

She seems crazy. And you've been enabling her crazy and letting her think it's okay to behave this way at work.

It's inappropriate, and you should be clear about that.

And you need to stop flirting with women at work and creating relationships with coworkers that have a high potential for drama. I don't know what field you work in, but this sounds like a really annoying and weirdly unprofessional environment. And you need to review what professionalism in the workplace is about, and what you're missing in your personal life that you crave this kind of drama.
posted by discopolo at 6:12 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

As many have noted, her signals aren't mixed at all. Jealousy toward your wife and other female friends, possessiveness, overly familiar actions at the office and weird desk rearranging? Yeah, she's flirting with you, and you seem to be doing it right back. Maybe you feel flattered, and you may be in a vulnerable place right now due to the collapse of your marriage.

However. You might want to take a step back, or several, but please be careful. If she feels you're rejecting her she could cause problems for you at work - and I'd be saying the same if your genders were reversed. I've been in a similar situation myself, a former co-worker is famous for it, and I'm watching this dynamic play out in my office right now. First, someone in your office has surely noticed your interactions, and if you have a human resources department, they may already be aware. People have a tendency to get their knickers in a twist over perceived affairs at the office, and will complain, especially if there seems to be any favoritism or shirking of work by either party. Second, no more compliments. The big joke in our office is the only compliment that it is ever appropriate to give is "You look very professional today," but I wouldn't even say that. Third, find someone else to talk about your personal situation to; it may hurt to lose your long-standing friend, but I don't think her advice is helping you, and she doesn't need to know your business.

I would be thinking of a way to extricate yourself from the inappropriateness of the situation without blowing things up. Perhaps a conversation along the lines of, "X, you've been a good friend and very helpful to me during my divorce, but I'm trying to get past it and will be trying to talk about it less, especially at work. Also, I'm worried about you; our close friendship could be misinterpreted, and I wouldn't want to be seen as being disrespectful toward you or your husband. I'd like to make sure that doesn't happen, so we should probably chat a bit less and keep things light and professional. What do you think?"

I don't usually advocate "concern trolling" but in this case I think it might be helpful to deflect any potential feelings of rejection away from yourself by framing your "break up" as for her benefit.

Of course these are all just suggestions, and YMMV, etc. Good luck.
posted by jennaratrix at 6:47 AM on September 17, 2013

I don't think she necessarily wants to have sex with you - I'm in the she-likes-to-screw-with-people camp. Figuratively at least, you caanot run fast enough or far enough away from this coworker.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:28 AM on September 17, 2013

Office romances almost always cause trouble. Yours is already messed up. She's just had a child (presumably with her husband), and now she wants to pick up with you?

Tell her you don't think it's a good idea and RUN AWAY.
posted by KRS at 12:43 PM on September 17, 2013

She's telling you that she's down to fuck, but will not have a committed relationship with you. If you don't want this, you need to dial back your chatting and intimacy levels substantially.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:06 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]