Is this guy being overly enthusiastic?
September 16, 2013 3:13 PM Subscribe
A guy sends a FB friend request after after meeting you for the first time at a meetup group, AND promises to FB msg to ask if you're coming to a second event of that meetup group. Being pushy or what?
I was at an event of a social meetup group (not a singles one, or anything like that, purely social). One of the guys asked me for my Facebook afterwards (this was the first time we've met). Feeling pressured in the heat of the moment, I gave it to him. Now the friend request is sitting in my inbox.
I might not have minded so much accepting this (I have asked for people's FB before if it's the first time and I feel it's potentially the last time as well). Except that this meetup group has another event this coming Sunday, and he said he'd inbox me this week to ask if I was going.
Yes I am paranoid, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but a) isn't that moving too fast, and b) could it be potentially romantic rather than platonic interest? [because if it's the former, I DO NOT WANT THAT - I have seen too many codependent romantic relationships around me (including my parents) and I'm still in the "me, me, me" part of my twenties]
Thanks.
I was at an event of a social meetup group (not a singles one, or anything like that, purely social). One of the guys asked me for my Facebook afterwards (this was the first time we've met). Feeling pressured in the heat of the moment, I gave it to him. Now the friend request is sitting in my inbox.
I might not have minded so much accepting this (I have asked for people's FB before if it's the first time and I feel it's potentially the last time as well). Except that this meetup group has another event this coming Sunday, and he said he'd inbox me this week to ask if I was going.
Yes I am paranoid, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but a) isn't that moving too fast, and b) could it be potentially romantic rather than platonic interest? [because if it's the former, I DO NOT WANT THAT - I have seen too many codependent romantic relationships around me (including my parents) and I'm still in the "me, me, me" part of my twenties]
Thanks.
He could be really into Facebook (some people are) and friending everyone and communicating with people that way. He could be really invested in getting people to come to those meetups and is using this as a strategy. It could definitely be romantic interest (but far from guaranteed). If you're not comfortable, don't reciprocate. If he asks, wave it off with a "oh, I'm not really on Facebook that often."
There's no way to suss out his motives from one interaction, so just respond to him in ways you're comfortable with, and everything will be ok.
posted by brainmouse at 3:17 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's no way to suss out his motives from one interaction, so just respond to him in ways you're comfortable with, and everything will be ok.
posted by brainmouse at 3:17 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
a) too fast for whom? Sounds like it might be too fast for you, and if that's the case, that's fine. Listen to your feelings.
b) it potentially could be in hopes of a romantic relationship, sure. Or it could be platonic. Hard to be a mind reader from this side of the computer screen without knowing the guy.
Don't stress about this one way or the other. If you want to be facebook friends with the guy, accept the friend request. If not, don't, and if he presses the issue later, claim that you don't check in on facebook very often. Problem solved, either way.
posted by craven_morhead at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013
b) it potentially could be in hopes of a romantic relationship, sure. Or it could be platonic. Hard to be a mind reader from this side of the computer screen without knowing the guy.
Don't stress about this one way or the other. If you want to be facebook friends with the guy, accept the friend request. If not, don't, and if he presses the issue later, claim that you don't check in on facebook very often. Problem solved, either way.
posted by craven_morhead at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013
I find there are two types of Facebook users: ones who see Facebook as a catalogue of everyone they've ever met EVER and those who use it for personal and more private connections. Maybe this guy is the former, and maybe you are the latter?
In the end, I'll share my opinions about ALL social media: You are the user, you get to decide how to use it. If you don't like to friend everyone you've met, you have no obligation to accept this guy's friend request, even if you gave him your info. You have the right to change your mind and not connect with him on Facebook. You also have the right to not respond to any of his communications on Facebook, and when you see him next, just pass it off as infrequent use (I use that all the time.)
In short: you are in control, and you can decide how this connection should play out. And if he gets offended, that is his problem, not yours.
posted by absquatulate at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
In the end, I'll share my opinions about ALL social media: You are the user, you get to decide how to use it. If you don't like to friend everyone you've met, you have no obligation to accept this guy's friend request, even if you gave him your info. You have the right to change your mind and not connect with him on Facebook. You also have the right to not respond to any of his communications on Facebook, and when you see him next, just pass it off as infrequent use (I use that all the time.)
In short: you are in control, and you can decide how this connection should play out. And if he gets offended, that is his problem, not yours.
posted by absquatulate at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
Ignore the request. Done.
If he asks you about it next time you are at a meetup together, tell him you've been rethinking your FB approach in order to minimize your friend list. "Nothing personal."
posted by nacho fries at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
If he asks you about it next time you are at a meetup together, tell him you've been rethinking your FB approach in order to minimize your friend list. "Nothing personal."
posted by nacho fries at 3:19 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't think you can put these things into "right" or "wrong" categories, just categories of "feels good" and "doesn't feel good." For me, which of those categories an action falls into depends entirely on my gut feelings about the person. A lot of things that feel annoying and overly enthusiastic coming from someone I feel lukewarm about feel charming coming from someone I'm really interested in connecting more with. If it doesn't feel good to you, it's fine to ignore his request and maybe say that you've been rethinking your FB approach like nacho fries suggested.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:22 PM on September 16, 2013
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:22 PM on September 16, 2013
Why not just let the friend request sit there till the group meeting next week? If he asks about it next week or gets too pushy about "Why didn't you friend me??" just say you were busy or haven't been on that much.
You don't have to friend anyone, and you can always friend or unfriend him later. You don't have to decide this right this second. Personally I say just let it sit there till next week. I think he behavior next week would be a good indication on whether or not you want to pursue a friendship -be it Facebook or otherwise - with this guy.
Some people just friend anybody they meet once. Some people have hardly any friends. How many friends does this guy have? Hundreds? If so he probably just friends a lot of people.
In the future, is there something like a LinkedIn you can direct people to that's less personal? Or you don't have to give them your online presence info at all and that's fine too. If someone pressures you next time or he pressures you just say you keep you friends list small or you aren't on very often.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't have to friend anyone, and you can always friend or unfriend him later. You don't have to decide this right this second. Personally I say just let it sit there till next week. I think he behavior next week would be a good indication on whether or not you want to pursue a friendship -be it Facebook or otherwise - with this guy.
Some people just friend anybody they meet once. Some people have hardly any friends. How many friends does this guy have? Hundreds? If so he probably just friends a lot of people.
In the future, is there something like a LinkedIn you can direct people to that's less personal? Or you don't have to give them your online presence info at all and that's fine too. If someone pressures you next time or he pressures you just say you keep you friends list small or you aren't on very often.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
It is really good to be aware of your boundaries and everything, and you are at complete liberty to ignore his request. But facebook requesting you and offering to send you a message really isn't "moving too fast."
posted by c'mon sea legs at 3:26 PM on September 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by c'mon sea legs at 3:26 PM on September 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
If this guy is somehow in charge of the meetup, then it's a reasonable strategy for him to be active in trying to make attendees feel welcome. In my group organising experience, people are WAY more likely to come to something if they are personally invited (and reminded).
On the other hand he could easily be Creepy McCreepster.
In general I have found that a good proportion of people I make acquaintance with at group events will facebook friend me afterwards, and so far non of them have turned out to be creepy, but YMMV!
My reaction to dubious-acquaintance-facebook-friending is usually either to ignore the request (which prevents people from annoyingly repeat-requesting you) or to accept them but put them in a special Holding group. The Holding group don't have access to any of my Facebook activity. After a while I go through and either delete people or remove them from the Holding group so they are a normal Facebook friend.
posted by emilyw at 3:38 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
On the other hand he could easily be Creepy McCreepster.
In general I have found that a good proportion of people I make acquaintance with at group events will facebook friend me afterwards, and so far non of them have turned out to be creepy, but YMMV!
My reaction to dubious-acquaintance-facebook-friending is usually either to ignore the request (which prevents people from annoyingly repeat-requesting you) or to accept them but put them in a special Holding group. The Holding group don't have access to any of my Facebook activity. After a while I go through and either delete people or remove them from the Holding group so they are a normal Facebook friend.
posted by emilyw at 3:38 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
"...I have seen too many codependent romantic relationships around me..."
Don't worry, the Confirm button does not result in a crash-bang explosion whereby you find yourself lawfully wedded and in your fifties. So that shouldn't be the reason for not accepting. Friending after one meeting is not necessarily moving too fast and the tone of whatever message he sends as a follow up to you may clear up his intentions; a social meetup group generally suggests people are looking for social interaction with people who they may not already know, so maybe you just struck him as someone that he was interested in knowing.
posted by skermunkil at 4:46 PM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Don't worry, the Confirm button does not result in a crash-bang explosion whereby you find yourself lawfully wedded and in your fifties. So that shouldn't be the reason for not accepting. Friending after one meeting is not necessarily moving too fast and the tone of whatever message he sends as a follow up to you may clear up his intentions; a social meetup group generally suggests people are looking for social interaction with people who they may not already know, so maybe you just struck him as someone that he was interested in knowing.
posted by skermunkil at 4:46 PM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
He's either interested in you romantically and trying to let you know that, or really invested in building attendance for the meetups. I've never seen an adult male reach out with that kind of alacrity out of regular old platonic regard.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:23 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:23 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
He's interested romantically. Sorry. I have never had a dude hop on tracking me like that and then it turned out Platonic.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:36 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:36 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people collect FB friends like it's a game. Some people are constant networkers always trying to build contacts. Some guys are gross and think any women who talks to them the way normal human beings do is flirting and asking to be hit on. It's hard to know which this guy is.
For what it's worth, I ignore friend requests all the time. If I saw anyone from request I ignored, I'd say I am never on Facebook and missed it, or I'd say I saw the request on my phone and forgot to approve it later. Facebook to me is a window into your life and I'm not crazy about sharing it with people I don't really know. I randomly deactivate my FB for stretches of time as it is. I think it's healthy that you aren't paranoid that he's a stalker but are still willing to second-guess whether you should add a stranger as a friend on Facebook -- not enough people do that, IMO.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:53 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I ignore friend requests all the time. If I saw anyone from request I ignored, I'd say I am never on Facebook and missed it, or I'd say I saw the request on my phone and forgot to approve it later. Facebook to me is a window into your life and I'm not crazy about sharing it with people I don't really know. I randomly deactivate my FB for stretches of time as it is. I think it's healthy that you aren't paranoid that he's a stalker but are still willing to second-guess whether you should add a stranger as a friend on Facebook -- not enough people do that, IMO.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:53 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
My boss's friend request has been in my inbox for months. I do like her but I don't mix my personal & professional life online. I'll accept it the day one of us leaves the company.
You can use fb however you choose to. Just ignore the request. If he asks about it, say "meh, facebook." If on some future day you decide he's ok & not red-flaggy for you, accept the request. It's *your* facebook account.
posted by headnsouth at 6:55 PM on September 16, 2013
You can use fb however you choose to. Just ignore the request. If he asks about it, say "meh, facebook." If on some future day you decide he's ok & not red-flaggy for you, accept the request. It's *your* facebook account.
posted by headnsouth at 6:55 PM on September 16, 2013
Now the friend request is sitting in my inbox.
You don't have to do anything with it right now, that friend request will just sit there for years. Facebook will work just fine if you just let it sit right there, unresponded to.
Also, if he asks you on a date, and you aren't interested, say "I'm not interested". Even if he was to ask over and over, or want to know why not, you can just say "I'm not interested" each time. If he was to reply to that with a demand that you show up at a certain place and time, don't go to that place. Codependent relationship averted.
posted by yohko at 10:46 PM on September 16, 2013
You don't have to do anything with it right now, that friend request will just sit there for years. Facebook will work just fine if you just let it sit right there, unresponded to.
Also, if he asks you on a date, and you aren't interested, say "I'm not interested". Even if he was to ask over and over, or want to know why not, you can just say "I'm not interested" each time. If he was to reply to that with a demand that you show up at a certain place and time, don't go to that place. Codependent relationship averted.
posted by yohko at 10:46 PM on September 16, 2013
Exactly what Crystalinne said. Don't overthink it.
And if he pursues it later, just say "oh thanks but I really just use Facebook among friends and family. I'll see you at the next meetup" or something like that.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:52 AM on September 17, 2013
And if he pursues it later, just say "oh thanks but I really just use Facebook among friends and family. I'll see you at the next meetup" or something like that.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:52 AM on September 17, 2013
Friending you on Facebook is not moving too fast. It's not even moving, in a romantic sense. And if he does show a romantic interest in you at some point- for example, he asks you out- you can say no. There is no reason to assume he wants to be engaged in co-dependency when he hasn't even asked you out, let alone started dating you.
posted by jojobobo at 1:07 AM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by jojobobo at 1:07 AM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Friending someone on Facebook is pretty much the least energy intensive way of contacting someone. It's free, can be done pretty much anywhere and is ridiculously easy. Sending you a card, or flowers, or writing you a letter, or even an email, would have been more time/energy/money intensive. If it is a romantic overture, it's an extremely weak one. I friend requested my parents on Facebook one time, just to put this in perspective.
It might be too much too soon for you, and that's fine. But I think it's quite likely that he is looking at this from a very different POV.
posted by Solomon at 2:32 AM on September 17, 2013
It might be too much too soon for you, and that's fine. But I think it's quite likely that he is looking at this from a very different POV.
posted by Solomon at 2:32 AM on September 17, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks. I will hang onto it, see what his reaction is at this meetup, and go from there.
posted by glache at 5:15 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by glache at 5:15 AM on September 17, 2013
Once you fully befriend someone on Facebook, there's no "turning back" insofar as unmaking the decision without causing small-to-medium petty drama. Waiting-to-accept however is a non-controversial passive act no one can complain about without sounding pushy.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:20 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by oceanjesse at 7:20 AM on September 17, 2013
Is this guy in charge of the group, or a very active member of it? Because my guess would be that he simply wants to make you feel included, noticed, and welcome in the group. Now, of course he MIGHT be romantically interested in you, but you have no way of knowing that at this point because a FB friend request is the social equivalent of saying "I look forward to seeing you again" these days.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:08 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:08 AM on September 17, 2013
Yeah, he thinks you're cute. If you don't want to get romantic with him, you don't have to (and shouldn't). But it's really not a big deal.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:40 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:40 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Suppose this was 25 years ago, you had given him your phone number and he had called you up to ask for a date. You would probably have accepted. He's obviously interested in you. Accept the invitation and see where it goes.
If you don't like what happens, unfriend him, just as you would have turned down a second date if the first one didn't go well.
posted by KRS at 12:51 PM on September 17, 2013
If you don't like what happens, unfriend him, just as you would have turned down a second date if the first one didn't go well.
posted by KRS at 12:51 PM on September 17, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:17 PM on September 16, 2013 [10 favorites]