Shying away from touch after past assault... how to move forward?

September 14, 2013 6:15 AM

I'd like to try dating... if not for the flashbacks. Difficulty: poor college kid. Snowflakes inside, trigger warnings all the way down.

I was sexually assaulted as a kid. That was a solid fifteen years ago. Male assailant. Since then, I've... pretty much managed to completely avoid any physical contact with men. I've ducked away from camp counselors, well-intentioned neighbors, and, embarrassingly enough, one guy who I'd asked out on a date (I feel terrible about this!). My parents always chided me for being "frigid", which isn't an inaccurate description of how I was coping (we weren't the kind of family who talked about stuff like that, so they didn't know why I was so unfriendly).

I can't so much as brush hands with a guy without having flashbacks and getting panicked. I can hide this well enough to get by in most social situations (for example, I'm not going to start hyperventilating and crying if my boss goes in for a handshake), but it'd be pretty cool if I could pursue romantic relationships with men one day. Right now, I can't even think about being touched (even by perfectly kind gentlemen who want nothing but the best for me and who I could definitely take down in a fight, if I hypothetically had to) without feeling sick. I'm also worried about burdening a future partner with this -- I'm especially worried about being broken up with if I'm unable to talk myself into sex after a reasonable amount of time (which is, like, three dates these days, right?) and ruining a perfectly good potential relationship because of something that happened over a decade ago.

I realize that this all sounds like a job for a therapist, but I'm a senior in college, and money's really extremely tight right now (and my geographic range is limited because I don't have a car or any friends with cars, and public transportation in my town is not so great). I'm not really sure what to do. Does anyone have links or book suggestions about touch avoidance this severe? Is this the kind of thing that anxiety medication can help with?

Throwaway email is [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Many colleges provide free mental health counseling with professional therapists-- so the fact that you are a senior in college might help you! Perhaps investigate if that is the case at your college, as part of their "student services"? Congratulations on deciding to tackle this issue!
posted by Peter Petridish at 6:19 AM on September 14, 2013 [13 favorites]

I'm especially worried about being broken up with if I'm unable to talk myself into sex after a reasonable amount of time (which is, like, three dates these days, right?)

I just want to tell you one thing. Society tells us that all men are desperately craving sex all the time and want it at the drop of a hat. But actually, lots of men have been sexually assaulted themselves, or have fears about sex for other reasons, or mixed feelings about it, or just don't feel comfortable with it right away. Or ever!

I know one guy in his mid-20's now, who was sexually assaulted in his teens. I would have never guessed it if he hadn't told me. He is gigantic. He has problems forming relationships with girls, in part, because he says girls always expect intercourse and he just does not want to have intercourse, ever.

I know another guy, who wasn't sexually assaulted (or at least, has never said anything about it), but has developed anxiety and ended new relationships if things moved too fast physically. He's ended relationships with girls he's really liked because of this, because the anxiety is so strong for him. He's in his 30s. In his last relationship they did not have sex until something like 4 months after they started dating.

You can find someone who doesn't expect insta-sex. There are plenty of people out there who are wanting that but those people aren't right for you, right now.
posted by cairdeas at 6:29 AM on September 14, 2013 [17 favorites]

There is no 'three-date' rule, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Also, I'm mad with your parents (!) for calling you 'frigid'. Not nice, or even accurate.

I just wanted to say that you will meet lots and lots of people who will be way kinder and more empathetic about your situation than you think. Yes, even in the dating world. Hang in there.
posted by Salamander at 6:44 AM on September 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Oh, I am so sorry. This sounds so incredibly difficult for you. Yes, it's definitely a job for a therapist. If you're still in college, most colleges have free or no-cost counseling on campus, and if yours doesn't, look around to see if you can find a therapist who does sliding scale therapy. A rape crisis center may have some good leads.

I would gently suggest that you are not ready to date right now. Putting yourself in a situation that is stressful and flashback-inducing will only mess with your head. Do not feel like you are "behind" other people your age in terms of dating, or that you will be behind if you don't hurry up and date people...everyone handles romantic relationships at their own pace. Which brings me to the idea that you should never, ever, ever have to "talk yourself into" having sex with someone. If a potential partner gets all upset and can't wait until you feel comfortable, you are better off without them. The world is full of amazing men who will respect your wishes.
posted by corey flood at 7:08 AM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

...we weren't the kind of family who talked about stuff like that...

Hey, just so you know? This wasn't your thing, it was theirs. You were a kid. Your parents never, never, never should have made it feel like your responsibility to conform to a family rule about keeping a stiff upper lip and suffering in silence. They "didn't know" because they refused to know, because they let you hurt while they insisted the only problem was with you. You deserve to be angry with them about this. You deserve to understand that you not getting help was not in any way your fault.

If you want, you also deserve to forgive them for their contributions to your pain. Right now though I hope for you to understand that what you're doing when you gloss over them watching their child be abjectly afraid of men and using a word like "frigid" (!) to describe her is giving them an easy out that they do not deserve.
posted by teremala at 7:48 AM on September 14, 2013 [24 favorites]

You seem to emphasize how long ago the assault was, as though you should somehow be "over" it. But you were traumatized, and my guess is you're suffering from PTSD. I agree with the poster upthread who is hopeful that you have access to therapy through a college counseling center. Also, depending on where you live, even if money is very tight, you could be seen on a sliding scale at a family agency. A good therapist can teach you techniques (e.g., grounding, guided imagery) for dealing with flashbacks and avoidance, and with time and by learning coping skills, you would be more ready to enter a relationship. I don't think you can do this alone, however. I hesitate to link books because I don't know what might trigger more flashbacks for you.

It's a VERY good sign, though, that you recognize what happened and want to heal. I hope you can find someone to work with so you can attain the life you want and deserve.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 7:54 AM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

If your college doesn't offer counseling for students, or if you're not comfortable turning to that resource, you can call or use instant messaging to talk to someone through RAINN. Their phone service connects you with a counselor at the nearest RAINN-affiliated agency, so you could conceivably connect with with a local organization where you could go for free or very low-cost in-person counseling. At the very least, the phone call or instant message conversation is free and might help you to develop a plan using the resources that are available to you.

(And I agree with other posters: there's no three-date rule. There's no rule, period. And just as women aren't sex-vending-machines that take payment in dinner dates, men aren't attention-vending-machines that take payment in sex. It, however, would be a great idea to seek help for yourself before you try to delve into dating, just because dating should be fun and not emotionally grueling.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:15 AM on September 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

I would strongly suggest therapy if you can somehow make it work. Of everything I've tried it's the the only thing that has been fully effective.

You could also read The Sexual Healing journey.

And also - be nice to yourself. It is possible to overcome this. I know it's so much easier said than done when you just want a normal relationship but you don't have to be ready right now and that doesn't mean you'll never be ready.
posted by Laura_J at 8:27 AM on September 14, 2013

You'll get more comfortable touching others by pushing the boundaries of what feels comfortable, but not too far or too fast.

I would look for a trusted platonic friend (or friends) that you can confide in. But you can also try being more forward about initiating handshakes and eventually hugs from casual acquaintances.

Are you comfortable touching girls? If you have touch issues there, but not as strong, that might be an easier place to start. It might be easier to confide in a girl than a guy. Working with a gay male friend might be a way to practice touching men with less implied intimacy.

You definitely do not need to have sex on some dating timetable. It is true that guys will mostly want to progress things quickly, and you should be prepared for that expectation, but you don't have to go along with it. You can tell a guy that you like him but you want to move very slowly w/ regard to physical contact. Some guys may lose interest if sex seems distant. Don't let that get you down if it happens. Others will be more patient.

I don't think you need to explain your reasons to someone you've only started dating (might be ok, though, depending). When you do start to get explicitly sexual, I think you should discuss your past with your partner. It might make things weird for him--probably will--but you can get past that discomfort. Trying to work through your issues with someone who doesn't understand what's happening is likely to go badly in an unfixable way.

Good luck.
posted by mattu at 8:34 AM on September 14, 2013

Just to add - PTSD tends to go away with treatment rather than time. So even though you're thinking it's been 15 years and you're still stuck with these issues it really doesn't mean they will be there forever.
posted by Laura_J at 8:36 AM on September 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

My first assault was 27 years ago and I still get flashbacks from it sometimes. I agree with the people who say it needs treatment rather than time.
posted by KathrynT at 9:08 AM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

As other people have mentioned, you should definitely call or look at your school's student health services website to see if mental health services are offered. Maybe you already have and they don't and that's why you mentioned money being tight, but please do check if you haven't yet. Counseling would most likely be free if it is offered. I think that sometimes therapy is a little over-recommended here on ask metafilter but this is not one of those times. You went through a terribly traumatic experience and your life can/will be much better after you get some treatment for it.

And don't worry about needing to have sex after three dates (or three months or anytime before you're ready). Yes, for some guys, not being able to have sex fairly soon in a relationship is a dealbreaker, but there are lots LOTS of guys out there who will be ok with waiting and taking things very slowly (and even some who prefer themselves to take things very slowly).

Also don't worry about putting any timetable on dating, etc. I'm someone who didn't ever date anyone until after college/well into my 20s (and not even for any particular reason or trauma, just shyness and not connecting with people well) I felt like I was this weird extreme outlier at the time when I was in my mid-20s and had zero relationship experience, but it's fine now. Now the only difference is that I have two ex-boyfriends instead of like the four or five or so that I might have if had starting dating at a more "normal" age. (And if we hadn't broken up the only difference would be in how long we'd been together). It doesn't make my life any better or worse now. I just wasn't ready then. You not being ready to date now or in the short/medium term future might make your life a little lonelier now but it's not going to matter down the road. It seems much more important right now that you get help for dealing with the trauma you've been through and let the dating part evolve naturally when you're ready for it.
posted by treese at 9:56 AM on September 14, 2013

I would strongly suggest contacting RAINN so that they can help you find your local rape crisis center, who will be likely to have free or low-cost therapy available to anyone who's dealing with the fallout from a sexual assault or abuse.

On-campus counselors might be great, might be horrible, but likely won't be specifically trained in dealing with sexual assault. The therapists at rape crisis centers almost always have 70-ish hours of extra training, plus the extra experience that comes from working in a specialty field. They're also more likely to know other local resources that might help; college campuses can sometimes get a little insular.
posted by jaguar at 10:14 AM on September 14, 2013

I'm especially worried about being broken up with if I'm unable to talk myself into sex after a reasonable amount of time (which is, like, three dates these days, right?)

I just want to n-th that this isn't a rule, it's certainly not been true to me and in my experience. Honestly, most of the men I've dated if I tried to sleep with them on the third date would have frozen up from the pressure and social anxiety. Personally, I prefer to have a conversation about the risks and plans if things go awry (pregnancy and std's) as well as talking about getting tested (when and results) and I've not met anyone where we both feel comfortable enough with each other to have such an intimate discussion after three dates.

(It is a strange world where people feel more comfortable having sex then they do talking about it, but here we are.)

I understand there are social circles where having sex quickly and with little discussion is the norm, but there are also social circles where not having any sexual contact before marriage is, and then those like mine where it's only after establishing a deeper mental connection. There are no hard rules for dating, everyone has their own and you look for people who line up with your core beliefs and take a pass on anyone who would insist you march to theirs.

And I never try to talk myself into sex. Ever. If it's not something I'm excited about, then it is not on the table. You don't have to consider it if you don't want to, and poke anyone in the eye who would even imagine telling you otherwise.
posted by Dynex at 10:52 AM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

My limited experience with PTSD suggests that it operates much like an acquired phobia, and that repeated exposure to triggers while in a manifestly safe environment can blunt its edges.

Right now, I can't even think about being touched (even by perfectly kind gentlemen who want nothing but the best for me and who I could definitely take down in a fight, if I hypothetically had to) without feeling sick.

In my view, this is likely to be because there is nothing about the experience of thinking about being touched that challenges the physical feelings currently so strongly associated with it. I would expect conscious, deliberate, slow, careful exploration of actual touch, especially with a partner who is fully in the picture and has a genuine desire to help, to help quite a lot.

I'm not going to start hyperventilating and crying if my boss goes in for a handshake

Then handshakes are a good place for you to start, which is useful because they're something you can do with virtually anybody with no expectation of intimacy whatsoever. Make a baby-step goal of acquiring the ability to concentrate on the physical experience of your hand in another person's, and maintaining that concentration for the length of a handshake without having it broken by the inevitable flashbacks.

I would expect you to find that deliberately practising this, with the intent of learning to remind yourself during each such flashback that you are now perfectly safe and have your hand in another person's, to get you a noticeable reduction in anxiety quite quickly.
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 AM on September 14, 2013

You might want to see if your library has The Courage To Heal (it looks like Amazon has used copies from about $10). It's a wonderful, thorough, well-regarded book with concrete exercises (a lot of writing, some breathing and visualization, etc.) to help women deal with childhood sexual abuse.
posted by jaguar at 10:57 AM on September 14, 2013

I was molested and raped as a kid. A couple of thoughts:

First, in my late thirties/early forties, I had a string of online relationships during my divorce which did a lot for me. It helped me separate the physical part of sex from the psychological and emotional. For the first time in my life, I was able to address my emotional sexual needs. This was a really big deal. It made it finally clear to me what the term "sex object" is all about and exactly how I had been deeply damaged by the abuse. It made it clear to me that the disregard for my feelings and my choice and how I was taught to disregard themself was far more damaging than what happened to my body. There are people on the planet who will care how you feel, what you think, what you want. Those people can help you recover.

Second, a zillion years ago, some guy kissed my throat and this did not trigger any of the scary stuff because it was not related to anything that had ever been done to me. It was a big turning point. Since then, I have become far more aware that different people touch differently. Different people see different things as erotic. Etc.

Talking to different men online helped me safely explore some of this and I now have a much clearer idea of how to experience my sexuality on terms which aren't an immediate reminder of bad things that happened. There are lots of different ways to be sexual. You don't have to do those things that hurt, physically or emotionally. That knowledge was enormously freeing for me, like being able to breathe for the first time.

FWIW: I went on maybe six dates in my teens then swore off it for life. You can get to know men under other circumstances, without announcing/agreeing upfront that this is a negotiation for SEX. I find it is generally less stressful and involves less gamesmanship to get to know men socially and establish personal trust before putting that piece on the table.

I would offer virtual hugs, but that doesn't work here. {insert warm, caring closing of whatever sort works for you}
posted by Michele in California at 11:27 AM on September 14, 2013

Oh, honey. As a queer I wish I could be like "you should date girls!!!" but it's not that simple, obviously. Something that may be of interest to you, even if it doesn't perfectly fit your situation, is designation of "stone."

I have had people open up to me about past traumas, warn me to take it slow and that they may be triggered, and explain which parts of their body are off limits, and I was hella fine with it, because I was getting fucked, you know? It kind of turns me into a lazy pillow queen, but I love that. And over the course of a relationship even the stoniest of tops melts and little and boundaries blur and change over time as people get more comfortable.

I think you have a lot of work to do before you get to the point where you're playing around with someone (and what a great first step to ask this question, I'm so proud of you, babe) but it may help you to get into a "top" headspace and be assertive about your boundaries as opposed to the more mainstream hetero dynamic of "just do whatever you want until I say no."
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:45 AM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]