How do I form better boundaries?
September 9, 2013 10:56 PM Subscribe
I'm missing the door that other people have. Whenever I end a relationship that is bad for me, I always regret it later and end up feeling worse, even months down the road.
I'm 30 and I've had this problem all my life. I often end up begging the guy back (unsuccessfully). What's puzzling to me is others seem to move on pretty easily after they end something. How do I make that same mental switch? Whatever resolve I have stored up evaporates once I imagine that there's even the slightest chance I might win the person back.
I actually feel happier when I'm in any kind of a relationship, even a bad one, than when I'm single. I know this flies in the face of the common wisdom, but it's true. I'm more productive, I sleep and eat better, my mood is more stable. I'm still not happy if the relationship is bad but I'm happier.
I have a friend with a similar problem and I'm going to quote something she wrote because it really resonates with me:
'I find it easier to deal with life when I doing the wrong thing, like being involved with people that I don't even want and are no good for me.
When I am doing the right thing and get them out of my life, emptiness is too much to bear. I slip into depression and want to sleep all day."
What is this problem and how do I fix it? How do I convince myself that I've made the right choice when I keep second guessing and missing that feeling of closeness once I've walked away? Also, how do I stop myself from acting on my impulses?
I'm 30 and I've had this problem all my life. I often end up begging the guy back (unsuccessfully). What's puzzling to me is others seem to move on pretty easily after they end something. How do I make that same mental switch? Whatever resolve I have stored up evaporates once I imagine that there's even the slightest chance I might win the person back.
I actually feel happier when I'm in any kind of a relationship, even a bad one, than when I'm single. I know this flies in the face of the common wisdom, but it's true. I'm more productive, I sleep and eat better, my mood is more stable. I'm still not happy if the relationship is bad but I'm happier.
I have a friend with a similar problem and I'm going to quote something she wrote because it really resonates with me:
'I find it easier to deal with life when I doing the wrong thing, like being involved with people that I don't even want and are no good for me.
When I am doing the right thing and get them out of my life, emptiness is too much to bear. I slip into depression and want to sleep all day."
What is this problem and how do I fix it? How do I convince myself that I've made the right choice when I keep second guessing and missing that feeling of closeness once I've walked away? Also, how do I stop myself from acting on my impulses?
Also, you mentioned that you find yourself "missing that feeling of closeness". I note that you didn't indicate that you miss the actual person - just the feeling of closeness. Remind yourself of this, and don't mistake the one for the other. When you're missing that feeling of closeness, go out and get close to people - anyone but the person you broke up with.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 11:16 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 11:16 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
You feel happier in a relationship because you do not feel you are whole outside of one. This means your insecurity drives all your emotions and your decisions on a daily basis. If you want to set good boundaries and learn to abide by them yourself, you will need to learn to value yourself more than you currently do now so you can clearly see when people are not treating you correctly -- and so you can say FIRMLY to yourself without a shadow of a doubt, "I deserve better, so I will cut this loose so better can come to me."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:25 PM on September 9, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:25 PM on September 9, 2013 [16 favorites]
It is grief for a loss. Acknowledge it and replace it with something else (constructive). It's why people suggest taking up a hobby or doing a class or getting a pet after a breakup - it distracts your mind by focusing on the awesome things you can do for you.
It is also an element of self-doubt - what if I got this wrong? Trust your own actions more and you'll find that this feeling is less acute.
posted by heyjude at 11:56 PM on September 9, 2013
It is also an element of self-doubt - what if I got this wrong? Trust your own actions more and you'll find that this feeling is less acute.
posted by heyjude at 11:56 PM on September 9, 2013
Whenever I end a relationship that is bad for me, I always regret it later and end up feeling worse, even months down the road.... I actually feel happier when I'm in any kind of a relationship, even a bad one, than when I'm single.
I think it's likely that what you're calling regret is actually loneliness. Like, you break up with Mr Bad For You, but three months later you're dwelling on him because you're lonely and really wish you had a boyfriend. That reality doesn't get a lot of airplay in our culture because we're supposed to be all Independent Ladies, etc. But that doesn't mean it isn't a legitimate, common experience. It is, and it's okay to feel that way.
What isn't okay is to beg Mr Bad For You to take you back, because THAT is self-destructive. It would be better to acknowledge that you're lonely and address that at the time.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:43 AM on September 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
I think it's likely that what you're calling regret is actually loneliness. Like, you break up with Mr Bad For You, but three months later you're dwelling on him because you're lonely and really wish you had a boyfriend. That reality doesn't get a lot of airplay in our culture because we're supposed to be all Independent Ladies, etc. But that doesn't mean it isn't a legitimate, common experience. It is, and it's okay to feel that way.
What isn't okay is to beg Mr Bad For You to take you back, because THAT is self-destructive. It would be better to acknowledge that you're lonely and address that at the time.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:43 AM on September 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
Maybe you should try deciding very consciously that you are going to be alone for a given amount of time (3 months, 6 months, even a year etc) and just devote that time to working on yourself and your own happiness. Then, the next time you break up with someone you will be able to look back on that period and know that you are capable of being happy without being in a relationship.
Also, I think you just need to realize that the feeling of wanting to be back in the relationship is a feeling that most people experience when a relationship that once made them happy ends, and that if you wait long enough this feeling will diminish. It's really just your job to allow yourself to experience the feeling without acting on it.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 1:30 AM on September 10, 2013
Also, I think you just need to realize that the feeling of wanting to be back in the relationship is a feeling that most people experience when a relationship that once made them happy ends, and that if you wait long enough this feeling will diminish. It's really just your job to allow yourself to experience the feeling without acting on it.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 1:30 AM on September 10, 2013
Your pattern is that it is not good for you to maintain a connection with people you were formerly dating. So go no contact immediately upon breaking up with someone & stay that way for a LONG time, like forever. There is no rule that says you *have* to be friends with your exes.
Email yourself when you are wavering about asking someone to come back. Tell the story of how you are feeling like you are explaining it to your best friend. Let it sit for a day or two, then come back and read it as if it had been written to you by your best friend. What would you tell her to do in that situation?
At some point too, you gotta look at this and just make the conscious decision not to behave this way anymore. It sucks, it is not easy, but it is how it is for you and you know yourself well enough to understand that. Do what works for you - getting back together with these guys does not.
posted by deliciae at 1:33 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Email yourself when you are wavering about asking someone to come back. Tell the story of how you are feeling like you are explaining it to your best friend. Let it sit for a day or two, then come back and read it as if it had been written to you by your best friend. What would you tell her to do in that situation?
At some point too, you gotta look at this and just make the conscious decision not to behave this way anymore. It sucks, it is not easy, but it is how it is for you and you know yourself well enough to understand that. Do what works for you - getting back together with these guys does not.
posted by deliciae at 1:33 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
'I find it easier to deal with life when I doing the wrong thing, like being involved with people that I don't even want and are no good for me.
This is pretty normal for people who were raised by abusive/alcoholic parents/caregivers. Therapy is probably the answer.
posted by empath at 2:12 AM on September 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is pretty normal for people who were raised by abusive/alcoholic parents/caregivers. Therapy is probably the answer.
posted by empath at 2:12 AM on September 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't rely on one single relationship to give you everything you need. Form closer relationships with friends and family to feed the need for intimacy that you have. That way, when a relationship ends, you have other baskets with eggs in them. An added bonus is that different kinds of intimate relationships with will fulfil varying needs and desires that you have. One person might want to feed the ducks in the park, where another will go to the movies and yet another will go skydiving with you.
If you keep all of your eggs in just one basket and that basket lands on the floor, you've lost everyone who will go duck feeding, movie viewing and skydiving with you. Multiple baskets means multiple caches of eggs. You don't get the depth of relationship with this method, but you have a lot more security.
If you find yourself pining for something gone, remind yourself that it's gone for a reason. Maybe that relationship wasn't working for you, so you got rid of it. If you got back into that relationship, you'll get the intimacy back, but you'll also get the problems back that you had before. And look how that worked last time. You'll end up in the same situation all over again. What you're looking for isn't That Someone, it's the feeling of closeness that your brain gave you when That Someone was nearby. That Someone just happened to be the most recent trigger for the feeling of closeness.
I think a lot of acting on impulse is simply giving in to habit. You decide that Someone is good for you, so you go out and find Someone to fill the void. It worked last time, so your brain remembers that pattern. You can't act without giving your brain the OK to perform a set of actions, though. You have to tell your brain to pick up the phone and dial the numbers - you aren't completely helpless in the face of what you want. Tell yourself time and again that you're not going to make that phone call. Or make a phone call to someone else who can give you intimacy.
An analogy: your habits are like a river. A river flows from the mountains, down its course, to the sea. Logical and predictable. The mountain is the original impulse, the desire for intimacy. The course of the river is the actions you take to reach the end result. This is the sea. A stream of water will create a gouge in the landscape. Over time, this gouge becomes deeper and wider, and the river will naturally flow down it. As it gets deeper and wider, more and more water flows down it, cementing the place of the river in the landscape. This is how habits are formed. Neurons in the brain fire, and neurons that fire simultaneously wire together more strongly. When you go out and find someone who fulfils your need for intimacy, you create a river in the landscape of your brain.
However, a river can be dammed, or guided along a different riverbed or even dried up completely. Trying to stop a mighty river in full flow is likely to be fruitless. However, guiding that river round to another direction will likely work if you are careful and dedicated enough to doing it. Every time you find intimacy with another person, you give the river a different route to the sea. If you can find intimacy with 5 different people, 5 new friends or relatives who each give you intimacy in some form, you then lessen the power of that single river, and end up with 5 smaller rivers. The same amount of water is still flowing - you still have the same amount of intimacy - just with more security attached to it. You're not cutting off the water supply altogether, which you could do, but why would you want to? You could even have a sexual relationship with someone and have intimacy in that fashion with them. You simply wouldn't need to rely on that particular river. This way, if something happens and that river gets dammed up, you're still able to reach the sea.
Your desire for intimacy and closeness is wired pretty deep into the human brain. It's natural to want it. Since it sounds like you only get intimacy in sexual relationships (apologies if I'm reading this wrongly), it sounds like you've linked sex and intimacy together in your brain. But there are many forms of intimacy - someone giving you a hug, someone laughing with you, sex, someone sharing a powerfully moving story with you, sharing a powerful and moving story with someone else, etc. Maybe get more of those other forms of intimacy in your life and see how you fare with them. They're not the same as sex, obviously, but they can be equally as powerful.
Also, look into metta bhavana meditation. It can cause the release of hormones in the brain that are the same ones released during intimate moments or orgasm. Basically, you wish other people well, starting with people you like and ending with people you dislike. Focusing strongly on how much you like other people can really help foster a sense of closeness and intimacy with them, even though they might not be physically present.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 AM on September 10, 2013 [10 favorites]
If you keep all of your eggs in just one basket and that basket lands on the floor, you've lost everyone who will go duck feeding, movie viewing and skydiving with you. Multiple baskets means multiple caches of eggs. You don't get the depth of relationship with this method, but you have a lot more security.
If you find yourself pining for something gone, remind yourself that it's gone for a reason. Maybe that relationship wasn't working for you, so you got rid of it. If you got back into that relationship, you'll get the intimacy back, but you'll also get the problems back that you had before. And look how that worked last time. You'll end up in the same situation all over again. What you're looking for isn't That Someone, it's the feeling of closeness that your brain gave you when That Someone was nearby. That Someone just happened to be the most recent trigger for the feeling of closeness.
I think a lot of acting on impulse is simply giving in to habit. You decide that Someone is good for you, so you go out and find Someone to fill the void. It worked last time, so your brain remembers that pattern. You can't act without giving your brain the OK to perform a set of actions, though. You have to tell your brain to pick up the phone and dial the numbers - you aren't completely helpless in the face of what you want. Tell yourself time and again that you're not going to make that phone call. Or make a phone call to someone else who can give you intimacy.
An analogy: your habits are like a river. A river flows from the mountains, down its course, to the sea. Logical and predictable. The mountain is the original impulse, the desire for intimacy. The course of the river is the actions you take to reach the end result. This is the sea. A stream of water will create a gouge in the landscape. Over time, this gouge becomes deeper and wider, and the river will naturally flow down it. As it gets deeper and wider, more and more water flows down it, cementing the place of the river in the landscape. This is how habits are formed. Neurons in the brain fire, and neurons that fire simultaneously wire together more strongly. When you go out and find someone who fulfils your need for intimacy, you create a river in the landscape of your brain.
However, a river can be dammed, or guided along a different riverbed or even dried up completely. Trying to stop a mighty river in full flow is likely to be fruitless. However, guiding that river round to another direction will likely work if you are careful and dedicated enough to doing it. Every time you find intimacy with another person, you give the river a different route to the sea. If you can find intimacy with 5 different people, 5 new friends or relatives who each give you intimacy in some form, you then lessen the power of that single river, and end up with 5 smaller rivers. The same amount of water is still flowing - you still have the same amount of intimacy - just with more security attached to it. You're not cutting off the water supply altogether, which you could do, but why would you want to? You could even have a sexual relationship with someone and have intimacy in that fashion with them. You simply wouldn't need to rely on that particular river. This way, if something happens and that river gets dammed up, you're still able to reach the sea.
Your desire for intimacy and closeness is wired pretty deep into the human brain. It's natural to want it. Since it sounds like you only get intimacy in sexual relationships (apologies if I'm reading this wrongly), it sounds like you've linked sex and intimacy together in your brain. But there are many forms of intimacy - someone giving you a hug, someone laughing with you, sex, someone sharing a powerfully moving story with you, sharing a powerful and moving story with someone else, etc. Maybe get more of those other forms of intimacy in your life and see how you fare with them. They're not the same as sex, obviously, but they can be equally as powerful.
Also, look into metta bhavana meditation. It can cause the release of hormones in the brain that are the same ones released during intimate moments or orgasm. Basically, you wish other people well, starting with people you like and ending with people you dislike. Focusing strongly on how much you like other people can really help foster a sense of closeness and intimacy with them, even though they might not be physically present.
posted by Solomon at 3:28 AM on September 10, 2013 [10 favorites]
It sounds like you have maladaptive behaviour patterns that you need to address and process in therapy. "emptiness is too much to bear." - did you have a rough childhood? Often people who experience profound sense of emptiness did not have validating parents and never developed a strong sense of self... people with borderline personality disorder often experience profound emptiness and end up in problematic, abusive, or unhealthy relationships. This may or may not be you. I would say get therapy because this issue obviously runs deep. All the best to you - I hope you sort it out. Sounds really hard. x
posted by beccyjoe at 5:30 AM on September 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by beccyjoe at 5:30 AM on September 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
We humans are wired for connection. It doesn't have to be a pathological reason, like you have borderline personality disorder or alcoholic parents. It's pretty normal to feel like something is missing if you have few close relationships. If you have been getting most of your emotional needs met by just one person, and then they leave, of course you will feel empty and lonely to some degree.
Try to build closer friendships for emotional connection. Also, if you get a pet, this will help a lot with touch deprivation. If you find yourself missing a particular person, maybe it's because you haven't grieved for the loss. If you let yourself fully experience the grief, it will pass sooner.
Therapy can be helpful, but I think people sometimes are too quick to rush to judgment that something is wrong with them when they feel bad. Our culture pressures people to be happy all the time, but realistically, life is not like that. It DOES suck to be lonely, and for a lot of people, it sucks to be single. If it didn't, there would be a lot more people happily alone. Work on cultivating healthy romantic relationships when you feel ready, and don't beat yourself up for wanting one.
posted by xenophile at 6:01 AM on September 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Try to build closer friendships for emotional connection. Also, if you get a pet, this will help a lot with touch deprivation. If you find yourself missing a particular person, maybe it's because you haven't grieved for the loss. If you let yourself fully experience the grief, it will pass sooner.
Therapy can be helpful, but I think people sometimes are too quick to rush to judgment that something is wrong with them when they feel bad. Our culture pressures people to be happy all the time, but realistically, life is not like that. It DOES suck to be lonely, and for a lot of people, it sucks to be single. If it didn't, there would be a lot more people happily alone. Work on cultivating healthy romantic relationships when you feel ready, and don't beat yourself up for wanting one.
posted by xenophile at 6:01 AM on September 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Yeah I did all the "right" things to ensure I did not date bad people and it's worse for me in many ways to be alone. Forcing yourself to be alone will not make those things better. I like to be held and to have physical contact and to have interactions and attentions from people around me.
Figuring out what your seeking is important, I don't think you should stop seeking those things, just increase your standards for who you seek these things from.
There are tons of people in the world who like intimacy and touch and to say nice things to each other and give and recieve attention, but they aren't interested in abusing you.
So why do you gravitate toward the abuser to get these things?
The truth is the culture that tells you you are bad for needing intimacy, that you are "ill" because you need intimacy, that you need to become "complete" all by yourself and not feel lonely, often drives the urge to run back to abusers.
After all, they're the only people who will still offer you intimacy even though you're so BAD/ILL/UNDERDEVELOPED/MALADAPTED/PERSONALITY DISORDERED that you feel that you need intimacy in your life on a regular basis.
The idea people don't need love is toxic. Most of us need love. And there is a whole world of people out there who aren't interested in the stupid bagage of diagnosing people who need love as ill and would rather just hang out and love each other.
But interacting with non-abusive people takes work. You have to learn to respect THEIR boundaries, to give them the space they need, to balance getting love from different people who have different gifts to share with you. You have to let people share the exact kind of love they are able to share and not blame them for not have more. No one person can fill THE ENTIRE well of your emotional needs. You'll destroy people trying to get that much emotional energy from them. Let them give what they can give to you in a healthy way.
In essence, cultivate deeper friendships by being more involved in community activities and finding people who also like hugs and closeness and being nice to each other. Not everyone likes that, but a lot of people do. It's just VERY VERY VERY HARD to wait patiently and do the work of cultivating this friendships and it takes work on your end as well as theirs.
You want all of the love and none of the work, and abusers are delighted to offer you a solution. Easy intimacy, but with a price. Sometimes when there is no one else to love you, that price is worth it. Loneliness is very painful and I have no judgement for people who seek intimacy wherever they can find it, and people who abuse you are still in the wrong for using your desperation against you and treating you badly.
There is nothing wrong with paying for intimacy while you build more "real" intimacy- go to therapy andtell your therapist you just want more loving kindness and support, and you're looking to build that. You can get support as you build what you want in your life. Go get massages and bodyworks and feel luxurious and loved. Go out in the world and meet people and look for friendships that share the same vision you have of being nurturing and close and supportive.
Then when you date with a stronger base, you won't be essentially making trade with the same reserves that a poor person has to negotiate the terms of their pay/working conditions from a big business that owns a monopoly on jobs in the area. You know what I mean? You can say "I want a loving nice partner and you are not that, bye!" knowing you have your needs met in other ways and you want to find the real deal.
You'll also need to know what a healthy person is seeking in a partner. If what you bring to a relationship is "I don't care who you are I just need a physical body to fill my well of emptiness" that doesn't leave a lot of room to create a meaningful relationship with appreciation of each others traits and actions and such, you know?
I do think you could use therapy, not because you are "ill" but because you are lonely and sound like you could use some support and human interaction your family and friends don't know how to give- and some help rebuilding better relationships that involve more of the kind of intimacy you need.
posted by xarnop at 6:33 AM on September 10, 2013 [13 favorites]
Figuring out what your seeking is important, I don't think you should stop seeking those things, just increase your standards for who you seek these things from.
There are tons of people in the world who like intimacy and touch and to say nice things to each other and give and recieve attention, but they aren't interested in abusing you.
So why do you gravitate toward the abuser to get these things?
The truth is the culture that tells you you are bad for needing intimacy, that you are "ill" because you need intimacy, that you need to become "complete" all by yourself and not feel lonely, often drives the urge to run back to abusers.
After all, they're the only people who will still offer you intimacy even though you're so BAD/ILL/UNDERDEVELOPED/MALADAPTED/PERSONALITY DISORDERED that you feel that you need intimacy in your life on a regular basis.
The idea people don't need love is toxic. Most of us need love. And there is a whole world of people out there who aren't interested in the stupid bagage of diagnosing people who need love as ill and would rather just hang out and love each other.
But interacting with non-abusive people takes work. You have to learn to respect THEIR boundaries, to give them the space they need, to balance getting love from different people who have different gifts to share with you. You have to let people share the exact kind of love they are able to share and not blame them for not have more. No one person can fill THE ENTIRE well of your emotional needs. You'll destroy people trying to get that much emotional energy from them. Let them give what they can give to you in a healthy way.
In essence, cultivate deeper friendships by being more involved in community activities and finding people who also like hugs and closeness and being nice to each other. Not everyone likes that, but a lot of people do. It's just VERY VERY VERY HARD to wait patiently and do the work of cultivating this friendships and it takes work on your end as well as theirs.
You want all of the love and none of the work, and abusers are delighted to offer you a solution. Easy intimacy, but with a price. Sometimes when there is no one else to love you, that price is worth it. Loneliness is very painful and I have no judgement for people who seek intimacy wherever they can find it, and people who abuse you are still in the wrong for using your desperation against you and treating you badly.
There is nothing wrong with paying for intimacy while you build more "real" intimacy- go to therapy andtell your therapist you just want more loving kindness and support, and you're looking to build that. You can get support as you build what you want in your life. Go get massages and bodyworks and feel luxurious and loved. Go out in the world and meet people and look for friendships that share the same vision you have of being nurturing and close and supportive.
Then when you date with a stronger base, you won't be essentially making trade with the same reserves that a poor person has to negotiate the terms of their pay/working conditions from a big business that owns a monopoly on jobs in the area. You know what I mean? You can say "I want a loving nice partner and you are not that, bye!" knowing you have your needs met in other ways and you want to find the real deal.
You'll also need to know what a healthy person is seeking in a partner. If what you bring to a relationship is "I don't care who you are I just need a physical body to fill my well of emptiness" that doesn't leave a lot of room to create a meaningful relationship with appreciation of each others traits and actions and such, you know?
I do think you could use therapy, not because you are "ill" but because you are lonely and sound like you could use some support and human interaction your family and friends don't know how to give- and some help rebuilding better relationships that involve more of the kind of intimacy you need.
posted by xarnop at 6:33 AM on September 10, 2013 [13 favorites]
Do you have close female friends? While friends are certainly not a replacement for a boyfriend, developing close friends you can be intimate and real with will take a lot of the edge off of breakups.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:37 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Blasdelb at 6:37 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
What's puzzling to me is others seem to move on pretty easily after they end something. How do I make that same mental switch?
I'd like address how you are treating yourself
You are making a variant/or first step of the fundamental attribution error. Basically, you have access to your internal state but not the internal state of others. I doubt anybody, other than sociopaths, moves on pretty easily from relationships they have invested in. But you don't get to see that in others because you can't see inside their head and most people don't share the details of their despondency.
Also every relationship I ever had failed until the current one (which is the same for everyone else as well).
Also beware of the DTMFA brigade here. The standards on ask for a good relationship are so impossibly high that everyone would be single and the human race would die out in a generation. People and their relationships are not perfect and never will be.
So ease up on yourself. Being a bit needy is being a bit human in this kind of situation. Failing at romance is overwhelmingly common and normal. It's like baseball. Keep swinging and every once a while you get a hit and sometimes you get a home run. But mostly not.
posted by srboisvert at 6:40 AM on September 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd like address how you are treating yourself
You are making a variant/or first step of the fundamental attribution error. Basically, you have access to your internal state but not the internal state of others. I doubt anybody, other than sociopaths, moves on pretty easily from relationships they have invested in. But you don't get to see that in others because you can't see inside their head and most people don't share the details of their despondency.
Also every relationship I ever had failed until the current one (which is the same for everyone else as well).
Also beware of the DTMFA brigade here. The standards on ask for a good relationship are so impossibly high that everyone would be single and the human race would die out in a generation. People and their relationships are not perfect and never will be.
So ease up on yourself. Being a bit needy is being a bit human in this kind of situation. Failing at romance is overwhelmingly common and normal. It's like baseball. Keep swinging and every once a while you get a hit and sometimes you get a home run. But mostly not.
posted by srboisvert at 6:40 AM on September 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
If this is the part where we do armchair personality disorder diagnosis, my vote is for dependent personality - the only anxiety diagnosis no one's ever given me, sniff.
Anyway, OP, the good news is: you are experiencing a ridiculously normal thing. Yes, it's disrupting your life and it's maladaptive and good for you for trying to fix it, but seriously, watch 10 minutes of a soap opera, listen to half an hour of pop radio, or endure a single lunch hour in an average high school cafeteria: this is what's going on with like forty percent of what you see there. There's a whole branch of psychological thought that just focuses on this stuff (this book explains it pretty well.)
This means that: you can stop beating yourself up about it, and there are loads of self-help and therapy options for you.
The two big things are probably going to be:
posted by Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! at 6:59 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Anyway, OP, the good news is: you are experiencing a ridiculously normal thing. Yes, it's disrupting your life and it's maladaptive and good for you for trying to fix it, but seriously, watch 10 minutes of a soap opera, listen to half an hour of pop radio, or endure a single lunch hour in an average high school cafeteria: this is what's going on with like forty percent of what you see there. There's a whole branch of psychological thought that just focuses on this stuff (this book explains it pretty well.)
This means that: you can stop beating yourself up about it, and there are loads of self-help and therapy options for you.
The two big things are probably going to be:
- Becoming really comfortable with (and really understanding) who you are/what you like/etc.;
- Developing strong attachments (the kind that feature healthy emotional - not necessarily sexual - intimacy) with multiple people so you aren't devoted to or dependent on just one person.
posted by Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! at 6:59 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
What's puzzling to me is others seem to move on pretty easily after they end something. How do I make that same mental switch?
Don't compare your insides to their outsides!
I don't know anyone who hasn't been through a breakup that felt like the end of the world. The "mental switch" you seem to perceive in others is likely more of a sense of, "It feels miserable right now but I will get through it, and for now people don't need to know how bad I feel."
I don't know exactly how to address the problem of wanting to get back together a few months later but it wouldn't surprise me if the way you talk to yourself about this-- "Something is the matter with me"-- makes it harder for you to stand up on your own. At this point you are telling yourself that you fail at relationships/breakups and you are beating yourself up on top of the perfectly normal, expected pain of the breakup. Be nice to yourself.
posted by BibiRose at 7:39 AM on September 10, 2013
Don't compare your insides to their outsides!
I don't know anyone who hasn't been through a breakup that felt like the end of the world. The "mental switch" you seem to perceive in others is likely more of a sense of, "It feels miserable right now but I will get through it, and for now people don't need to know how bad I feel."
I don't know exactly how to address the problem of wanting to get back together a few months later but it wouldn't surprise me if the way you talk to yourself about this-- "Something is the matter with me"-- makes it harder for you to stand up on your own. At this point you are telling yourself that you fail at relationships/breakups and you are beating yourself up on top of the perfectly normal, expected pain of the breakup. Be nice to yourself.
posted by BibiRose at 7:39 AM on September 10, 2013
What's puzzling to me is others seem to move on pretty easily after they end something.
This is really not the case at all. A lot of people just don't talk about it because they don't want to seem like they're dwelling on it.
posted by wondermouse at 5:01 PM on September 10, 2013
This is really not the case at all. A lot of people just don't talk about it because they don't want to seem like they're dwelling on it.
posted by wondermouse at 5:01 PM on September 10, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 11:13 PM on September 9, 2013