Can't be together, but can't let go despite best efforts

September 3, 2013 5:38 PM

I've just moved to somewhere that's a 24-hour plane ride away, we have different long-term goals yet the connection we had is undeniably rare and we can't stop grieving. Help me best handle this.

Three months before I was to leave for law school in North America, I connected with someone on OKCupid. This was in a third world city and we are both almost 25. I had meant for it to be a casual rebound at most, but even before we met there was an unusual amount of connection, and the first night we met we stayed up in bed till dawn, mostly because we had so much to say. The two months we spent together(mostly on weekends) were incredible, though I tried putting up walls because I was leaving, and he pushed them down knowing full well what we were getting into. From the first night however I knew we could never be together in the long term, because he wants children, he wants to live in our home country (I don't) and because he has qualities which put him at risk for cheating and I want a relationship with someone who would never cheat on their significant other.
On the really long plane ride to this different continent, I was in tears for at least half the time. It felt like my heart was breaking. We were in love I knew, but somehow I didn't want to admit the extent of my feelings for him because he wasn't what I wanted in my future husband. We had toyed with the idea of meeting up a year from now, and he took it more seriously than I did, but I know it's because he's dwelling on his emotions and I'm certain he'll soon meet plenty of other girls and forget about me.
It's been almost a week now and I cut him out of my life social media wise (despite him saying he didn't wish to) because I was in an emotional crisis, an almost physical paralysis and thus needed to go 'no contact'. I received an email from him today stating he has been grieving and cannot get out of the funk. I know full well what he's talking about because during quieter moments the depth of feeling hits me and I feel like one half of me is so far away. I know they're just feelings, but I don't know how to let go if he can't.

posted by kinoeye to Human Relations (7 answers total)

because he has qualities which put him at risk for cheating

Could you clarify what you mean by this?
posted by Unified Theory at 5:46 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

because he has qualities which put him at risk for cheating and I want a relationship with someone who would never cheat on their significant other.

So...could you maybe elaborate on this? What are these 'qualities'? (And cheating is a choice, not some kind of genetic disease that a person can be inherently 'at risk' for.)

For someone who values fidelity, this is a big, big deal-breaker in itself, regardless of distance etc.
posted by Salamander at 5:49 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Be patient with yourself. It's been a week, and you're alone on a new continent! That is a lot on its own, but really no time has passed yet. Give yourself time. If you are in law school it won't be long before you are too tired to pine for lost love.
posted by headnsouth at 5:49 PM on September 3, 2013 [8 favorites]

I don't know how to let go if he can't.

Block his emails. Staying in touch isn't going to do anything for either of you.
posted by jacalata at 5:58 PM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Children and living in home country.... These are values people hold but sometimes (often) change if they love someone who holds opposing values.
I'm not saying you should change each other but consider that these points might be negotiable.
posted by k8t at 5:58 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

First Aid Kit wrote a song about this - To A Poet. You might like it. There's a line that they repeat "there's nothing more to it, I just get through it."

Regardless of the reasons, you're dealing with a broken heart. You're grieving. Music, comfort food, sex with someone new, take care of yourself, keep active, keep busy. And let time pass.
posted by valeries at 6:16 PM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Here's the thing - a broken heart HURTS, and it's really hard to think about anything else for awhile. Acknowledge that, and give yourself points for just getting through right now. You know the best thing is to let go of this guy. As everyone here always says, time and breaking contact will help you move on. And moving one will be the best thing for you.
posted by ldthomps at 6:40 PM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]