How badly have I screwed this up? Impotence, steroids and adoption.
September 3, 2013 8:49 AM Subscribe
I've taken steroids and screwed up my erection.
I need my GP to write an assessing of my suitability for adoption. How badly have I screwed things up?
I'm a mid thirties gay guy in a wonderful long term (15 yrs) relationship. I live in London, UK.
I have some self confidence and body issues connected with perceptions of masculinity etc. This, together with my natural instinct to seek a quick fix approach has led me to use steroids to bulk up: I'm nearly at the end of my second cycle of sustanon/deca (injected into my ass twice a week) right now.
The two cycles have done exactly what I need: I'm the size and shape I want to be. My husband doesn't know that I've used steroids and he isn't going to. This isn't a question about steroid use, so please don't talk to me about the morality or sense of doing this. Worth nothing that using steroids is not illegal in the UK, tho selling is.
My first cycle made me super horny and self confident, essentially solving all my issues (second cycle has not had these effects). I loved it! But I had some serious downs post-cycle: a bit of depression, a bit of weepiness, loss of muscle etc.
The biggest problem by far tho was that I was unable to sustain a rock solid erection sufficient for penetration. I've never been the most solid and have been prone to nerves and performance anxiety. But this was in a different league to my usual state. I was unable to fuck without medication (which thankfully works well) and even when doing non-penetrative stuff I would often lose my erection. This leads me to bottom much more than I usually would (which feeds back into my issues about masculinity etc: yes I am getting counselling for this).
I didn't ascribe this to coming off the steroids, partly because there were lots of other potential causes: I was/am under a lot of stress at work and in my family life (we were deciding whether to adopt a child and having building work done on the house) and have a family history of diabetes.
So I went to see my GP and didn't tell him about the steroids. He thought it might be diabetes but was probably stress. He prescribed cialis and took about 10 vials of blood. I didn't know he would be testing for anything that would suggest steroid use.
The test results are back: he said the only concerning thing is my very low LH and FSH levels and sky high testosterone. He asked me if I was taking anything, even inadvertently, I said yes. He has now asked me to come in, bringing all the supplements I take.
At this point I am FREAKING out. I am deeply ashamed of being so vain as to have taken steroids. And I really don't want to have to discuss this with him.
Also, and frankly, far more importantly, this man will have to write a report on my health for our upcoming adoption.
I am terrified that I have fucked things up and that he will have to tell the adoption panel about my steroid use. I am scared that I will have ruined our chance of starting a family because of my stupid stupid issues.
To me, this doesn't seem relevant. I am/we are excellent candidates for adoption in all other respects. Intelligent, fairly well off, well read on the problems that adopted children have etc. Our social workers seem convinced all will be well.
So, the questions.
- If I go to see the GP will he need to write this in his report for the adoption panel?
- If so, is there a way of minimising the damage? Say by not being totally honest with him? Perhaps saying that I was taking pills that I didn't know had steroidal effects?
- Or should I just not go back and hope that my erection problems go away in time?
- If I take the final course of action what do I do when I have to go to him for my adoption health exam?
Thanks in advance for your advice.
I'm a mid thirties gay guy in a wonderful long term (15 yrs) relationship. I live in London, UK.
I have some self confidence and body issues connected with perceptions of masculinity etc. This, together with my natural instinct to seek a quick fix approach has led me to use steroids to bulk up: I'm nearly at the end of my second cycle of sustanon/deca (injected into my ass twice a week) right now.
The two cycles have done exactly what I need: I'm the size and shape I want to be. My husband doesn't know that I've used steroids and he isn't going to. This isn't a question about steroid use, so please don't talk to me about the morality or sense of doing this. Worth nothing that using steroids is not illegal in the UK, tho selling is.
My first cycle made me super horny and self confident, essentially solving all my issues (second cycle has not had these effects). I loved it! But I had some serious downs post-cycle: a bit of depression, a bit of weepiness, loss of muscle etc.
The biggest problem by far tho was that I was unable to sustain a rock solid erection sufficient for penetration. I've never been the most solid and have been prone to nerves and performance anxiety. But this was in a different league to my usual state. I was unable to fuck without medication (which thankfully works well) and even when doing non-penetrative stuff I would often lose my erection. This leads me to bottom much more than I usually would (which feeds back into my issues about masculinity etc: yes I am getting counselling for this).
I didn't ascribe this to coming off the steroids, partly because there were lots of other potential causes: I was/am under a lot of stress at work and in my family life (we were deciding whether to adopt a child and having building work done on the house) and have a family history of diabetes.
So I went to see my GP and didn't tell him about the steroids. He thought it might be diabetes but was probably stress. He prescribed cialis and took about 10 vials of blood. I didn't know he would be testing for anything that would suggest steroid use.
The test results are back: he said the only concerning thing is my very low LH and FSH levels and sky high testosterone. He asked me if I was taking anything, even inadvertently, I said yes. He has now asked me to come in, bringing all the supplements I take.
At this point I am FREAKING out. I am deeply ashamed of being so vain as to have taken steroids. And I really don't want to have to discuss this with him.
Also, and frankly, far more importantly, this man will have to write a report on my health for our upcoming adoption.
I am terrified that I have fucked things up and that he will have to tell the adoption panel about my steroid use. I am scared that I will have ruined our chance of starting a family because of my stupid stupid issues.
To me, this doesn't seem relevant. I am/we are excellent candidates for adoption in all other respects. Intelligent, fairly well off, well read on the problems that adopted children have etc. Our social workers seem convinced all will be well.
So, the questions.
- If I go to see the GP will he need to write this in his report for the adoption panel?
- If so, is there a way of minimising the damage? Say by not being totally honest with him? Perhaps saying that I was taking pills that I didn't know had steroidal effects?
- Or should I just not go back and hope that my erection problems go away in time?
- If I take the final course of action what do I do when I have to go to him for my adoption health exam?
Thanks in advance for your advice.
You don't mention if you plan on continuing taking steroids or not. Are you planning on doing a third cycle? If next year you had lost the muscle gained, would you do this again?
Not meant as a comment on the morality of steroids, but the adoption panel is there to make sure that the people who adopt children are mentally and physically prepared to raise them. If you are so mired in issues of masculinity that you are repeatedly doing something dangerous and damaging to your body, while making sure that your partner will never find out about it (and thus also find out about the depths of your issues with your body), does that compromise your ability to be a parent?
I don't have an answer to that, certainly lots of my friends had parents with varying levels of mental problems that had a varied impact on said friends. I'm not sure if you can answer it as it appears you are far more concerned about your partner not finding out about this then you are about how this will affect your future children. (And I can state with great confidence that the children of people dealing with damaging emotional problems would all have benefited if their guardians had managed to overcome them as much as possible BEFORE said children came into the picture.)
Honestly, I think you should come clean with your partner and tell them you need some time to sort this all out in your head before starting towards parenthood, but I'm fairly certain you have no interest in that route. I do recommend against lying to your doctor, there's a very good chance he already knows you are taking steroids from the blood tests and is waiting for you to come back with what you are taking so he can discuss their long term affects. Taking steroids might affect your chances of adoption, taking steroids and lying about it isn't going to look better.
posted by Dynex at 9:33 AM on September 3, 2013 [24 favorites]
Not meant as a comment on the morality of steroids, but the adoption panel is there to make sure that the people who adopt children are mentally and physically prepared to raise them. If you are so mired in issues of masculinity that you are repeatedly doing something dangerous and damaging to your body, while making sure that your partner will never find out about it (and thus also find out about the depths of your issues with your body), does that compromise your ability to be a parent?
I don't have an answer to that, certainly lots of my friends had parents with varying levels of mental problems that had a varied impact on said friends. I'm not sure if you can answer it as it appears you are far more concerned about your partner not finding out about this then you are about how this will affect your future children. (And I can state with great confidence that the children of people dealing with damaging emotional problems would all have benefited if their guardians had managed to overcome them as much as possible BEFORE said children came into the picture.)
Honestly, I think you should come clean with your partner and tell them you need some time to sort this all out in your head before starting towards parenthood, but I'm fairly certain you have no interest in that route. I do recommend against lying to your doctor, there's a very good chance he already knows you are taking steroids from the blood tests and is waiting for you to come back with what you are taking so he can discuss their long term affects. Taking steroids might affect your chances of adoption, taking steroids and lying about it isn't going to look better.
posted by Dynex at 9:33 AM on September 3, 2013 [24 favorites]
You really need to speak to an adoption law attorney about this. I could tell you about the very non-detailed medical writeup my GP had to do for our US-based adoption but what good would that do you? Exact home study requirements vary by state here in the US so they will certainly vary from where you are.
I'd calm down about it and not stress, if for no other reason than that there's nothing you can do about it at this point. If steroid use is legal and you haven't harmed yourself in any way then there's no reason to be concerned. I'd wager that your worst-case is you have to explain why you'd use them.
But you need to consult an attorney about it. How you'll do that while keeping this a secret from your partner, particularly if it ends up on an official document, I have no idea.
posted by phearlez at 9:43 AM on September 3, 2013
I'd calm down about it and not stress, if for no other reason than that there's nothing you can do about it at this point. If steroid use is legal and you haven't harmed yourself in any way then there's no reason to be concerned. I'd wager that your worst-case is you have to explain why you'd use them.
But you need to consult an attorney about it. How you'll do that while keeping this a secret from your partner, particularly if it ends up on an official document, I have no idea.
posted by phearlez at 9:43 AM on September 3, 2013
I suspect your doctor knows the score and wants a frank, off the record conversation with you (hence asking you to come in person).
I would do a little research about what adoption panels are looking for, specifically. I would guess this is pretty easily googled and there are probably lots of online, UK-based adoption forums that discuss this.
With some knowledge in hand, I would go to your doctor (who, remember, already probably knows the score) and just be honest. "I took two rounds of steroids because I wanted more muscle mass." Gauge how your doctor reacts, but just probably just be clear about your situation. "My partner and I are trying to adopt. I don't see how this effects the adoption. I'm sharing this information with you in confidence, I hope you won't include this in your report to the adoption agency given that it doesn't impact my ability to parent."
If your doctor is not amenable to this plan, I would ask about a specific plan of what would make the doc comfortable giving you a "clean" recommendation. Ie: "How long would you need to see me off steroids before you wrote a clean bill of health for me?" and then make a plan to follow up when you've met the expectations of that plan.
I would also tell your partner, given that he might find out because of this whole situation, but you do seem pretty committed to not telling him.
I wouldn't do steroids anymore either. But in the scheme of things I don't think moderate use is the worst thing ever health wise. Hopefully your doc is on board with this.
posted by latkes at 10:45 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would do a little research about what adoption panels are looking for, specifically. I would guess this is pretty easily googled and there are probably lots of online, UK-based adoption forums that discuss this.
With some knowledge in hand, I would go to your doctor (who, remember, already probably knows the score) and just be honest. "I took two rounds of steroids because I wanted more muscle mass." Gauge how your doctor reacts, but just probably just be clear about your situation. "My partner and I are trying to adopt. I don't see how this effects the adoption. I'm sharing this information with you in confidence, I hope you won't include this in your report to the adoption agency given that it doesn't impact my ability to parent."
If your doctor is not amenable to this plan, I would ask about a specific plan of what would make the doc comfortable giving you a "clean" recommendation. Ie: "How long would you need to see me off steroids before you wrote a clean bill of health for me?" and then make a plan to follow up when you've met the expectations of that plan.
I would also tell your partner, given that he might find out because of this whole situation, but you do seem pretty committed to not telling him.
I wouldn't do steroids anymore either. But in the scheme of things I don't think moderate use is the worst thing ever health wise. Hopefully your doc is on board with this.
posted by latkes at 10:45 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
IAAD. IANYD. Since you didn't mention the steroids, your docotr is probably concerned about the possibility that you have an androgen-secreting tumor or you are taking a contaminated supplement. You should tell him, even "off the record" or you may find yourself heading down an unpleasant rabbit hole of unnecessary tests. Tell him you didn't realize what the side effects would be, which you didn't.
I cannot answer your question about adoption. The US forms I've filled out ask for a basic physical exam and then some vague questions about whether the prospective parent has "any conditions" that would prevent him/her from being a good parent.
I would think long and honestly about whether your self-esteem and masculinity issues would get in the way of your ability to be the parent you would like to be. You only have to read this board for a few days to see how parents' hang ups about body image result in problems for their children. Is that worse or better than whatever living situation the child would have otherwise? I cannot answer that. But it's a question you should ask yourself.
Here is an actual piece of medical advice: stop the steroids. Their long term effects are well documented and unpleasant. Find some other way to feel good about yourself.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 10:48 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
I cannot answer your question about adoption. The US forms I've filled out ask for a basic physical exam and then some vague questions about whether the prospective parent has "any conditions" that would prevent him/her from being a good parent.
I would think long and honestly about whether your self-esteem and masculinity issues would get in the way of your ability to be the parent you would like to be. You only have to read this board for a few days to see how parents' hang ups about body image result in problems for their children. Is that worse or better than whatever living situation the child would have otherwise? I cannot answer that. But it's a question you should ask yourself.
Here is an actual piece of medical advice: stop the steroids. Their long term effects are well documented and unpleasant. Find some other way to feel good about yourself.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 10:48 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would come clean - at this point I don't think you have much of a choice. I don't know what the adoption panel is looking for, but I would say your body image issues - of which you are self aware - are not any worse than the typical problems women suffer from with their own body image issues, and I don't think those issues are culturally associated with unfit parenting to a great degree.
posted by MillMan at 11:09 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by MillMan at 11:09 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Lying to your doctor is pretty much the same brand of foolishness as lying to your lawyer. Don't do that. Instead, have a straightforward conversation with your doctor about the way your right to confidentiality is going to get balanced against the adoption panel's right to accurate and relevant information.
The most likely outcome of that conversation, in the opinion of this particular random Internet adviser, is that you'll find you have less to worry about than you thought. Even if that's wrong, at least you'll be able to proceed on the basis of actual information as opposed to wild and anxious speculation.
posted by flabdablet at 11:53 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
The most likely outcome of that conversation, in the opinion of this particular random Internet adviser, is that you'll find you have less to worry about than you thought. Even if that's wrong, at least you'll be able to proceed on the basis of actual information as opposed to wild and anxious speculation.
posted by flabdablet at 11:53 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Do you think that your husband finding out about your steroid use would threaten the relationship?
If you are pursuing adoption as a couple, then that secret between you seems like even more of a ticking time bomb than the steroid use alone. However difficult or intense the consequences you fear of sharing your secret with your husband, the stakes will only be higher if you are sharing responsibility for a child. So I suggest to you that in fact your steroid use, and definitely the furtive nature of it, *is* relevant to the peace and stability of the home you will be able to provide for a child.
In any case it does sound like a good idea to speak with a lawyer before you speak with the doctor, to have a better understanding of the adoption process and what specifically your doctor will be expected to speak to.
I don't see how your doctor can give you proper medical care without knowing about the substances you're using, and it seems to me that undertaking a course of improper medical care is also not a good idea for a parent soon to be responsible for a whole other life.
So basically what I'm saying is it might be time to give your inner muscles, your heart, courage, and integrity, as much attention as you have been giving your outward muscles. They are definitely more important to your future children.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:59 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you are pursuing adoption as a couple, then that secret between you seems like even more of a ticking time bomb than the steroid use alone. However difficult or intense the consequences you fear of sharing your secret with your husband, the stakes will only be higher if you are sharing responsibility for a child. So I suggest to you that in fact your steroid use, and definitely the furtive nature of it, *is* relevant to the peace and stability of the home you will be able to provide for a child.
In any case it does sound like a good idea to speak with a lawyer before you speak with the doctor, to have a better understanding of the adoption process and what specifically your doctor will be expected to speak to.
I don't see how your doctor can give you proper medical care without knowing about the substances you're using, and it seems to me that undertaking a course of improper medical care is also not a good idea for a parent soon to be responsible for a whole other life.
So basically what I'm saying is it might be time to give your inner muscles, your heart, courage, and integrity, as much attention as you have been giving your outward muscles. They are definitely more important to your future children.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:59 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
MillMan: "I would come clean - at this point I don't think you have much of a choice. I don't know what the adoption panel is looking for, but I would say your body image issues - of which you are self aware - are not any worse than the typical problems women suffer from with their own body image issues, and I don't think those issues are culturally associated with unfit parenting to a great degree."
A woman taking off-label medication to assuage those body image issues, particularly ones with unintended consequences (hormonally and the whole 'roid rage' thing) would probably come under greater scrutiny by an adoption agency, one would assume. Even though the use is not illegal in the UK, the use of them for cosmetic reasons and not under a doctor's guidance does not really bode well.
What you are looking for here is yet another easy way out that saves face. There is none that does justice to you, your partner and your future children. You can totally hide it from your doctor, swear you'll never inject again, lie about your medical history (physical and psychological) and continue lying to your partner. Those are all things you can do. But none of them solve the problem you are faced with.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
A woman taking off-label medication to assuage those body image issues, particularly ones with unintended consequences (hormonally and the whole 'roid rage' thing) would probably come under greater scrutiny by an adoption agency, one would assume. Even though the use is not illegal in the UK, the use of them for cosmetic reasons and not under a doctor's guidance does not really bode well.
What you are looking for here is yet another easy way out that saves face. There is none that does justice to you, your partner and your future children. You can totally hide it from your doctor, swear you'll never inject again, lie about your medical history (physical and psychological) and continue lying to your partner. Those are all things you can do. But none of them solve the problem you are faced with.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
A woman taking off-label medication ... would probably come under greater scrutiny by an adoption agency
I wouldn't assume that. I know things are a lot better now but there's no guarantee that adoption panelists are immune from homophobia. In general men are not always presumed to be "natural" parents. The poster seems to have a valid concern to me, hence why I think he should talk to the doctor who has control over what he states on whatever form he needs to fill out.
Anecdotally, I know someone who talked her doc out of including irrelevant health data on an adoption health history form.
posted by latkes at 8:47 PM on September 3, 2013
I wouldn't assume that. I know things are a lot better now but there's no guarantee that adoption panelists are immune from homophobia. In general men are not always presumed to be "natural" parents. The poster seems to have a valid concern to me, hence why I think he should talk to the doctor who has control over what he states on whatever form he needs to fill out.
Anecdotally, I know someone who talked her doc out of including irrelevant health data on an adoption health history form.
posted by latkes at 8:47 PM on September 3, 2013
Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you all for your advice.posted by taz (staff) at 5:59 AM on September 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
I did come clean to my doctor. Medically he thinks I'll be fine. He did point out that they are controlled drugs.
He also said as far as he was concerned it was all ancient history and didn't need mentioning in any medical report.
Thank you also for your comments about the things I have to work through before adoption. That is exactly why I am in counselling.
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I would guess that the adoption health exam would be for the purposes of determining if you have any communicative disease which might affect the child and/or any conditions which might limit your physical ability to parent, including life-ending conditions.
I would answer your physician's questions honestly. Lack of honesty may affect your chances of adopting.
posted by uncaken at 9:01 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]