What to do if the “butt out, do nothing" is not the right answer?
August 28, 2013 12:57 PM   Subscribe

What’s the best way to sensitively encourage someone with (potential) mental and financial difficulties to get help? Complex family situation – snowflake inside.

Apologies in advance for the long narrative, but I’m just trying to tease out all the nuances which may be relevant to the situation.

I have an older sibling (who I’ll call Sib) who I’ve never been very close to – for a long time, we have been geographically separated, and don’t regularly contact each other even with the advent of telephone, email, Skype etc. I have tried reaching out, but Sib isn’t very responsive and any communication ends up being very transient and superficial. Partly, this may be because Sib feels that they shouldn’t burden anyone with their problems; and partly, there is an outward disparity in our levels of “success” (especially financially) and, as the older sibling, Sib may feel unable to meet (cultural) expectations.

Sib is married and has two small children, and has recently taken on the obligation of supporting their parents-in-law (who have no financial resources of their own). Because of the culture we were raised in, this is perceived, very strongly, as the “right thing to do”. Financially, Sib has hinted that this is a very difficult position to be in, although they have a full-time, reasonably paid, job.

By accident, I learnt that Sib has been buying things on an online marketplace, literally every day (compulsively?). In the last year, close to 500 transactions have been made. Based on conversations with other family contacts, this is creating lots of resentment in Sib’s family given their financial and living conditions. This may also be affecting (or even be a symptom of) Sib’s mental health. The front Sib puts up, however, is that nothing is wrong and there is nothing to discuss.

My worry is that this is all piling up and adding stressor after stressor for Sib and that something bad will happen: Sib has had to take lots of time off work recently which may affect the stability of their job; Sib may get into such a level of financial difficulty that they lose their house and cannot support their family; they may get divorced and lose contact with the kids; they may do “something stupid”. I know this is catastrophizing, and I’m trying hard not to do that, but a part of me feels that some of these would result as a logical extension of the path they are on.

Sib has a family (ageing parents and I) who love them and want to help but don’t know how. We have thought about providing financial support, but would only be able to do so in a very limited manner and are not sure that such support would help resolve the underlying problem. My personal view is that Sib is an adult and should be entitled to make their own mistakes and live their own life (our parents may disagree with this). Having said that, we don’t think doing nothing is the right answer either, especially as we would like, if at all possible, to insulate the kids from any fallout and maintain good relations with Sib and family. Most of all, we want Sib and family to be happy and we can see that this is not currently the case. So here are my questions:

1) What’s the best way to help Sib? If you were in Sib’s situation, how would you like to be approached? If you have had to deal with similar issues, how have you done this and has it worked?

2) Are there any concrete things I could do, from a geographic distance which would be welcome / wouldn’t cause resentment?

3) Any other advice?

A throwaway account has been created at siblinghelp@gmail.com if you’d like to email instead. Thank you all.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total)
 
It would help to know which culture this is because then people could give you culture-specific advice.

If it's a culture where you are supposed to respect your parents over anyone else and listen to them even as an adult ... this may sound like an out-there idea, but would it help if your parents started going to therapy themselves?

They could announce it around as something they are doing just like a check-up with an ordinary doctor, just to make sure everything is as good as it could be.

And if YOU are in therapy or have ever gone it might help if that becomes something you guys speak about openly and your parents express highly positive feelings and approval of.

I feel like that might help to remove some of the stigma for your sibling, that therapy is only for people who are crazy/nuts and failing at life, or it's just for people who aren't part of your culture and can't cope in the proper way, etc.

If your parents are in contact at all with your sibling's in-laws, and they have a good relationship, they might get the in-laws to just speak positively about therapy as part of normal conversation. Not like dropping it in obviously all the time as a non-sequitur. But if it comes up while everyone is sitting around watching Oprah on a Saturday, or something, they could make comments of admiration for people who go to therapy and how they think it is great and those people are very strong and brave and responsible, and how it would have made life a lot easier if it had been available to them in their early years, etc.

I'm just trying to think of what might remove the shame factor for your sibling.
posted by cairdeas at 1:14 PM on August 28, 2013


I think it will be very difficult to help Sib effectively when your relationship is not close, you are geographically separated, and lack of money is not your core concern.

Trying to be a closer sibling to Sib is my best suggestion. More emails, phone calls, a visit if possible, or regular visits even better. The idea is to make a permanent change in your relationship with Sib, not just open the door for a one off intervention. Since Sib is not responsive, this will take patience and persistence, and may not work at all.

Another idea is to connect with Sib's local support network, whatever that might be, and try to help them help Sib. I think this is risky, will rightly be resented by Sib, but it is something to consider if you think things are really falling apart.
posted by mattu at 2:02 PM on August 28, 2013


Sib could have all the money in the world and the fact that the shopping is out of control is a problem.

What does Sib's spouse say about this? Frankly this is something that is really beween the two of them. What you hear from others may not be what's really going on. As for resentment from other family members, would these be the family members living with Sib? If so, why? Aren't they being supported by Sib and Spouse? Are the family members who are resentful the ones who AREN'T supporting the In-laws? Besides, who cares about resentment? What is there to resent?

You have a lot of worries for Sib, but are they misplaced? Do you really know what the real and true situation is, or have you decided to live your life, long-distance, vicariously through Sib?

Unless you have concrete proof that these 'reports' and 'stories' are true, then continue to reach out to Sib and be as non-judgemental as possible.

Even if they paid their own way, even if we were living in a mansion together, I would find living with my in-laws stressful. So don't go by that as some indication that there are mental health issues and possible job loss on the horizon.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:24 PM on August 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Mod note: From the OP:
1) Culture in question is oriental
2) Sib's wife is very concerned and is the one expressing resentment, directly and indirectly to my parents who live close to Sib
3) If I can't so anything directly because of distance, can my parents do anything? How? They as well as Sib's family are on the same page re: concern for Sib.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:32 PM on August 28, 2013


your sibling has an addiction. providing money to someone with a shopping addiction would be a huge mistake, so please don't do that. sib will just buy more stuff. due to the cultural issues i'm not sure what the answer is. i think like mattu said trying to establish a closer relationship would help, at least emotionally, especially if you open up about your own struggles to sib so they don't feel so alone in theirs. this will take time and effort though. i think you have to decide what is most important: having a talk with sib and being honest about your concerns versus saving face and not saying anything. i'd go with having an honest but compassionate talk. what sort of social or community support does your sib have? faith community? is there anyplace they can discreetly get help?
posted by wildflower at 4:40 PM on August 28, 2013


write a letter or email explaining your worried, and end with that you won't bring up the subject any more.

to help out, maybe you or your parents could take care of the kids some times, maybe over a weekend, so that your brother/sister has one less thing on their plate.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:13 PM on August 28, 2013


Are you sure that your brother is buying and keeping these things? Maybe he is trying to resell them, to raise money, and is not particularly good at that. If so, all the worries about an addiction or needing to step in and solve a problem largely disappear. Could be a number of things, probably.

Seconding what Ruthless Bunny said. You don't know the whole story, and you're not close enough to be effectively involved. I'd counsel you to stay out of the situation unless your brother contacts you. If he does, try to understand the whole picture before making any decisions.
posted by Capri at 5:35 PM on August 28, 2013


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