Too much, too soon?
August 22, 2013 10:07 AM Subscribe
After a painful breakup, I'm slowwwwly trying to ease back into the dating world. I met a guy online last week...he's a few years older than me, never married, no kids but has been in several long-term relationships. We just started talking on the phone 3 days ago. Since then he's called me every night, and we have plans to meet this weekend. My issue is this: he's currently going through a trying situation; one of his parents in very sick and the doctors have said it's best for the rest of the family to fly in. Things are looking grim. He texts me updates on the situation; he's apologized for laying this on me since we haven't met yet but says he likes talking to me. I'm not sure how I feel about this....I feel very bad for him but the fact is, we don't know each other. I'm not sure how to respond other than, "hope things turn out ok." Considering his parent might die, I feel terrible but I also feel this is too heavy for "us" to be dealing with since there is no "us"....should I tell him maybe we should postpone meeting until his crisis has passed? I've gently suggested he should stick with his family/friends during this time and replied that he will but that he hopes we can still communicate. What to do?
i think Ruthless Bunny's advice is spot-on. I'm surprised he didn't just send you a quick note on the situation and then head off to deal with it. He must be in a tough spot if he can only turn to a new OKC acquaintance to talk about it, but it's not your burden to bear.
posted by sweetkid at 10:19 AM on August 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 10:19 AM on August 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
should I tell him maybe we should postpone meeting until his crisis has passed?
If you choose to wait until the crisis "passes," you're not actually making a decision because there's no telling when that moment comes, if it ever does. Everyone reacts differently to a parent's death, and you can only bet on how that is until it happens. You never know who will tough it out or who will break down.
I will tell you from experience that there can be a massive and intense amount of followup after a parent dies. I don't know what his situation is like, but when this happened to me, the actual death was sort of the midway point of Dealing With It, and it didn't let up for months and months.
You've known this dude for a week. Walk away.
posted by griphus at 10:20 AM on August 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
If you choose to wait until the crisis "passes," you're not actually making a decision because there's no telling when that moment comes, if it ever does. Everyone reacts differently to a parent's death, and you can only bet on how that is until it happens. You never know who will tough it out or who will break down.
I will tell you from experience that there can be a massive and intense amount of followup after a parent dies. I don't know what his situation is like, but when this happened to me, the actual death was sort of the midway point of Dealing With It, and it didn't let up for months and months.
You've known this dude for a week. Walk away.
posted by griphus at 10:20 AM on August 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
I've been that guy, and, honestly, there may not ever be a time when he's not so emotionally burdened. I mean, this could be a fluke, but I tend to attach quickly and over share, too, the good and the bad, regardless. When my dad was dying, I overshared about my dad dying. When things were good, I overshared about how good things were.
Giving this relationship some time off may very well mean things never pick up again. That might be OK and good and the right thing for you, but do know that his life may never settle down.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Giving this relationship some time off may very well mean things never pick up again. That might be OK and good and the right thing for you, but do know that his life may never settle down.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
He's not interested in YOU. He's interested in someone to vent to. That person is a close friend or possibly a therapist.
Move on and find someone with more appropriate boundaries.
posted by Solomon at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2013 [13 favorites]
Move on and find someone with more appropriate boundaries.
posted by Solomon at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2013 [13 favorites]
He's not interested in YOU. He's interested in someone to vent to. That person is a close friend or possibly a therapist.
That, too.
posted by sweetkid at 10:42 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
That, too.
posted by sweetkid at 10:42 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh, I wouldn't be all that pessimistic about his (over)sharing behavior, I mean, it is a special situation he's in, and one ought to give him some leeway.
I'd approach this in a general mensch type of way. One actually can show some compassion in writing, and then a little more just as a bonus, and simultaneously make it clear that the "we" thing's being put on hold until things straighten out emotionally. If he has any sense at all, he would be the first to want it that way, actually.
posted by Namlit at 10:44 AM on August 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'd approach this in a general mensch type of way. One actually can show some compassion in writing, and then a little more just as a bonus, and simultaneously make it clear that the "we" thing's being put on hold until things straighten out emotionally. If he has any sense at all, he would be the first to want it that way, actually.
posted by Namlit at 10:44 AM on August 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think if you were to meet up with him several months from now if you're still single that wouldn't necessarily be a terrible idea. I'm sure he'll be dealing with this for a long time, but maybe by then it won't be so high intensity.
But yes, for now, I think it would be best to send him your well wishes and cease communication.
posted by Asparagus at 10:46 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
But yes, for now, I think it would be best to send him your well wishes and cease communication.
posted by Asparagus at 10:46 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
My experience with online dating is that when you postpone the meeting, it often doesn't end up happening. Life goes on, gets in the way, etc. So that's the risk that you take by trying to put it off. You also risk him thinking poorly of you (not rationally, but just perhaps being hurt).
But I don't think this is a good time to meet up or even be talking to someone new, no.
posted by sm1tten at 10:57 AM on August 22, 2013
But I don't think this is a good time to meet up or even be talking to someone new, no.
posted by sm1tten at 10:57 AM on August 22, 2013
My mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer a year ago. She may have years to live, or just a couple of months (doctors admit predicting these things is extremely difficult). I've held off on dating ever since the diagnosis, and don't plan on it until I'm in a better place psychologically. This guy may have his shit together much better than I do, but you'd definitely be taking a chance.
posted by Thoughtcrime at 11:41 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Thoughtcrime at 11:41 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am maybe an abuser of white lies, but this seems a good time to plead your own famly crisis, lament the poor timing, and let him know that you hope things work out for the both of you but just don't have the emotional space to be available to him.
This is obviously kind of a nuclear option since you'd be shutting the door to future encounters unless you want super dark rom-com lie festival shenanigans to be your future.
posted by skrozidile at 11:46 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is obviously kind of a nuclear option since you'd be shutting the door to future encounters unless you want super dark rom-com lie festival shenanigans to be your future.
posted by skrozidile at 11:46 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've got to set boundaries. It is rarely a good move to be providing support (emotional or otherwise) to someone you have never met face to face.
When I was single, I kept dating through the ups and downs of my life. Thing is -- I never expected women who barely knew me to serve as a therapeutic outlet. When I saw them, we did normal activities and spoke of typical things. That is what the first three months of a relationship are for.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:53 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
When I was single, I kept dating through the ups and downs of my life. Thing is -- I never expected women who barely knew me to serve as a therapeutic outlet. When I saw them, we did normal activities and spoke of typical things. That is what the first three months of a relationship are for.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:53 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the responses....like many of you, I purposely DON'T share personal problems when I first start dating someone...I wouldn't dream of doing it BEFORE we start dating. It doesn't bother me at all that he told me about it, as the first mention of it was during a "how was your day?" type conversation, and he had just happened to go to the hospital for the first time that day. But it is uncomfortable now that things have taken a turn for the worst. I've had this happen in the past, with guys I met online sharing too much too soon....not sure whether this is something I bring out or just the types of guys I've met.... thanks again, everyone.
posted by kribensa at 1:03 PM on August 22, 2013
posted by kribensa at 1:03 PM on August 22, 2013
I think the trick is that you can either be starting to date, or else you can be his internet-support-penpal, but it is impossible to do both, and unlikely that you can gracefully transition from one to the other.
But really, you should trust your instincts and shut it down. You don't have to say "maybe later," even if that is a possibility. If that happens, it should only do so naturally.
posted by juliplease at 1:03 PM on August 22, 2013
But really, you should trust your instincts and shut it down. You don't have to say "maybe later," even if that is a possibility. If that happens, it should only do so naturally.
posted by juliplease at 1:03 PM on August 22, 2013
You ask "Too much, too soon?" but really, it's "I enable too much, too soon."
This guy is going to be a distant memory soon enough. You have a history of such situations. Therefore, look within and figure out how to direct interactions so that they are not in fact, directing you towards such a tight corner. I would start by coaching exercises.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:41 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
This guy is going to be a distant memory soon enough. You have a history of such situations. Therefore, look within and figure out how to direct interactions so that they are not in fact, directing you towards such a tight corner. I would start by coaching exercises.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:41 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
After a painful breakup, I'm slowwwwly trying to ease back into the dating world.
Then ease into the dating world (and its rules), not the relationship world (and its norms).
posted by nickrussell at 3:20 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then ease into the dating world (and its rules), not the relationship world (and its norms).
posted by nickrussell at 3:20 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Namlit makes a good point.
Considering his parent might die, I feel terrible but I also feel this is too heavy for "us" to be dealing with since there is no "us"
Did he ask you for any emotional support explicitly? This feels "heavy" because your perspective is skewed and really indicates your own lack of boundaries. You can write a well balanced response both with compassion and distance.
....should I tell him maybe we should postpone meeting until his crisis has passed? I've gently suggested he should stick with his family/friends during this time and replied that he will but that he hopes we can still communicate. What to do?
Did he say he hopes you two can still communicate or you two can still meet?? Is he insisting on meeting or really, anything at all? I think whether he wants to just communicate at the level you are (not asking for more than that) or meet is the key here, which you don't address properly.
Dear OKC-Dude, I know you're going through a lot right now and I wish you all the best with what's happening, I'm not comfortable being a support for you, given the fact that we haven't even met yet. I know that when we're undergoing trying times that our natural impulse is to reach out. I honestly do hope things work out for the best, and i'd love to meet when you're not so emotionally burdened."
You haven't written much about what the guy expects from you, if any thing at all. It is very possible that all he is looking for with the most trivial of interactions is kindness and compassion, no more, no less. Maybe I am too old fashioned but I personally would find the kind of response above fairly condescending to someone who may not have asked anything more than literally "hope we can still communicate".
All that said, given the way you have worded this post, it sounds like the guy might do better without you in his life at this very early stage itself. I would suggest slowly fading away, definitely not a lecture like the one above, and not disappearing altogether either.
posted by xm at 5:15 PM on August 22, 2013
Considering his parent might die, I feel terrible but I also feel this is too heavy for "us" to be dealing with since there is no "us"
Did he ask you for any emotional support explicitly? This feels "heavy" because your perspective is skewed and really indicates your own lack of boundaries. You can write a well balanced response both with compassion and distance.
....should I tell him maybe we should postpone meeting until his crisis has passed? I've gently suggested he should stick with his family/friends during this time and replied that he will but that he hopes we can still communicate. What to do?
Did he say he hopes you two can still communicate or you two can still meet?? Is he insisting on meeting or really, anything at all? I think whether he wants to just communicate at the level you are (not asking for more than that) or meet is the key here, which you don't address properly.
Dear OKC-Dude, I know you're going through a lot right now and I wish you all the best with what's happening, I'm not comfortable being a support for you, given the fact that we haven't even met yet. I know that when we're undergoing trying times that our natural impulse is to reach out. I honestly do hope things work out for the best, and i'd love to meet when you're not so emotionally burdened."
You haven't written much about what the guy expects from you, if any thing at all. It is very possible that all he is looking for with the most trivial of interactions is kindness and compassion, no more, no less. Maybe I am too old fashioned but I personally would find the kind of response above fairly condescending to someone who may not have asked anything more than literally "hope we can still communicate".
All that said, given the way you have worded this post, it sounds like the guy might do better without you in his life at this very early stage itself. I would suggest slowly fading away, definitely not a lecture like the one above, and not disappearing altogether either.
posted by xm at 5:15 PM on August 22, 2013
Response by poster: He still wants to meet. He said things like I'm sorry to put this on you but talking to you gives me strength...I am pretty much alone etc. Most times I email with a guy, we talk on the phone once or twice and have coffee. I don't really lack boundaries...I just wanted to convey my discomfort without being a jerk about it.
posted by kribensa at 6:16 PM on August 22, 2013
posted by kribensa at 6:16 PM on August 22, 2013
I retract my answer with this info. RB's response may be the way to go- I don't know.
You definitely need to get out of the picture as soon as you can. You are not being a jerk because you ARE helping him; its just not the way he would want or able to see it right now.
posted by xm at 7:21 PM on August 22, 2013
You definitely need to get out of the picture as soon as you can. You are not being a jerk because you ARE helping him; its just not the way he would want or able to see it right now.
posted by xm at 7:21 PM on August 22, 2013
OMG - RUN.
This is truly abnormal behavior on his part. If he's alone, that's a red flag (does the man not have any friends??)
Use whatever script you like. Then block/delete/move on.
You might want to examine how it was you let this creeper creep up on you.
I think the mistake was you thought he brought up his parent's illness in an understandable manner, when really what he should have said was... "I wanted to meet soon, but my family member has just been diagnosed with a serious illness. This is not the time for me to start dating. May I contact you when the situation is resolved?"
Even if that sounded like a lie to you - so be it.
Texting you with health updates and he's not even met you yet?
No. No. No.
posted by jbenben at 8:42 PM on August 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
This is truly abnormal behavior on his part. If he's alone, that's a red flag (does the man not have any friends??)
Use whatever script you like. Then block/delete/move on.
You might want to examine how it was you let this creeper creep up on you.
I think the mistake was you thought he brought up his parent's illness in an understandable manner, when really what he should have said was... "I wanted to meet soon, but my family member has just been diagnosed with a serious illness. This is not the time for me to start dating. May I contact you when the situation is resolved?"
Even if that sounded like a lie to you - so be it.
Texting you with health updates and he's not even met you yet?
No. No. No.
posted by jbenben at 8:42 PM on August 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
You don't want to convey your discomfort because that's something you do with friends and intimates, and you have not even met this guy, yet.
What you want to do is convey your regrets you are no longer interested in meeting him w/out being a jerk.
Ruthless Bunny gave you a great script, I hope you use it.
You are not a bad person. You are not a bad person.
This person should not be dating anyone, and it is OK if you deflect his entreaties.
In fact, it is kind and appropriate for you to model Good Dating Behavior for this fellow.
You are not a bad person for doing the right thing here.
posted by jbenben at 8:51 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
What you want to do is convey your regrets you are no longer interested in meeting him w/out being a jerk.
Ruthless Bunny gave you a great script, I hope you use it.
You are not a bad person. You are not a bad person.
This person should not be dating anyone, and it is OK if you deflect his entreaties.
In fact, it is kind and appropriate for you to model Good Dating Behavior for this fellow.
You are not a bad person for doing the right thing here.
posted by jbenben at 8:51 PM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
He said things like I'm sorry to put this on you but talking to you gives me strength.
Eek, flee.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:48 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Eek, flee.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:48 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
In case these other fine people didn't impress you with it, RUN AWAY!
He doesn't KNOW YOU! Not really. If his biggest source of strength is someone he's been texting and emailing with on OKC, then he's got bigger problems than those he's currently sharing with you.
Just tell him you're not interested. Full Stop.
Find someone datable.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:02 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
He doesn't KNOW YOU! Not really. If his biggest source of strength is someone he's been texting and emailing with on OKC, then he's got bigger problems than those he's currently sharing with you.
Just tell him you're not interested. Full Stop.
Find someone datable.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:02 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, okay, if he was a guy worth dating he would be respecting your request for space, not laying more guilt on you. It isn't your responsibility to make this stranger feel better. I understand that he is in a difficult place right now, but putting this all on you is not okay. It makes me extremely uncomfortable reading about this and picturing if I were in your siutation. The fact that he only has an internet stranger to help him through this and to make him feel strong is worrying. Doesn't he have friends? Doesn't he have other family members?
...I just wanted to convey my discomfort without being a jerk about it.
"I'm sorry, I absolutely sympathize with what you're going through, but I am not able to give you the support that you are looking for. It is making me very uncomfortable having someone I have never met rely so heavily upon me for strength and support. This is much too serious and intense in a very short amount of time.
I am not interested in meeting, nor do I wish to continue to communicate. "
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:07 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
...I just wanted to convey my discomfort without being a jerk about it.
"I'm sorry, I absolutely sympathize with what you're going through, but I am not able to give you the support that you are looking for. It is making me very uncomfortable having someone I have never met rely so heavily upon me for strength and support. This is much too serious and intense in a very short amount of time.
I am not interested in meeting, nor do I wish to continue to communicate. "
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:07 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If he can't see that this is the right and proper tack to take, then he's not the right guy for you. If he's a righteous dude, then he'll see the wisdom and get back with you once the crisis has passed.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:12 AM on August 22, 2013 [25 favorites]