Mental health and the aging parent, part million

August 16, 2013 11:49 AM

In short, my 60something mother who struggles with chronic depression has taken a turn for the worse, and I don't know what to do about it. I know this issue has come up a lot on the green, but would like some help and advice with our specific situation. Snowstorm inside.

Some backstory:

- Mom and I have a distant relationship for good reason. Drama of the Gifted Child sums us up very well. I moved out as soon as I could and as far away as I could, and we have a very superficial relationship now.

- She is a recovered alcoholic and has struggled with depression all her life. When I was 16 she told me that she was thinking of ending it all. I flipped out and ratted her out to my dad, and ever since then she has hidden the worst of her feelings from me.

- She has been taking antidepressants for quite a while and has recently upped the dosage, but I don't think they are helping her. Many years ago she tried therapy but perhaps had a bad therapist or didn't stick with it long enough and now seems to be in the "therapy doesn't help, it's a waste of money" camp.

- My dad is a great person but kind of a needy nelly and probably not the best husband. She's been unhappy with him for a long time, so their marriage is not a source of strength for her at this point.

Now, I have kept my distance from her problems because I know her happiness is not my responsibility (thanks, years of therapy!) but recently I feel like she's taken a serious turn for the worse. I came to visit with her new grandchild, who is of that perfect cute-but-not-stressful age, and when she was interacting with the baby she would bounce from joy to this kind of scary, sudden deadness. She's very good at concealing her pain, but several times I caught expressions of naked, raw despair on her face. And she LOVES babies, so this really took me aback.

Moreover, she recently lost a job she had for 15+ years because she was unable to conduct herself professionally at the workplace anymore; she told me she "resigned" but she told the truth to another family member who she is more comfortable talking to. I also know she was doing stuff like hiding under her desk to avoid people. This is all very new and she normally is quite proud of her career.

I feel like she has gone from someone who's got that perma-discontent going to someone who is so deep into her depression that it's starting to ruin her life. Given that she has expressed suicidal ideation before, I'm somewhat concerned for her safety, but I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do.

I thought about picking up the phone and saying something like "Okay, let's put aside the past 30 years of bullshit for just this conversation. I'm going to talk to you about mental illness and the truth about therapy and how I think you can get help that will actually help, if you want it." Is that a terrible idea?

(FWIW, everyone else in the family is medicated but generally against therapy. I am the only one to have had a positive experience with it. I know firsthand how hard it is and how long it takes and how humiliating it can be. So I think if she's going to get that message from anyone it has to be me.)

Is there anything I can do from here to help her, or do I just have to accept that she had an unhappy life, maybe got dealt a shitty hand by her own parents and biology and a number of other factors, and there is nothing I can really do about it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (5 answers total)

One thing that comes to mind, and this may work in your discussion with your mom, is that there could be something other than depression happening here. Sudden changes in personality and functioning can be the result of a host of medical things that can look like depression, particularly in people who are older. You might note your concerns about her, with a script like the one you suggested yourself and maybe offer to help make arrangements for the medical work-up. If it is depression, a good internist or GP can help guide your mom to the next steps, but maybe you'll catch something else that can be treated, and at minimum your mom might be more comfortable with a medical approach to all of this.

We had some concerns about my mom and my sisters managed to arrange a physician's visit from out of state. Turns out my mom had been severly hypothyroid and probably had been for years and that contributed to depression, memory problems and a bunch of other things that had us all very worried.

I think reaching out to her is a wonderful and caring gesture on your part. I also see that you are taking realistic care of yourself and managing boundaries by recognizing that she may not listen. All you can do is offer the help, it's up to her what happens from there.

I wish your family the very best.
posted by goggie at 12:00 PM on August 16, 2013 [5 favorites]

I also know she was doing stuff like hiding under her desk to avoid people.
She needs to see a doctor. She's pretty seriously ill. Therapy is not the answer at this point.

As goggie says it might be a mental health issue or it might not. But what you have described is a person who is not functioning normally at all. I've no advice about your involvement in this should be, but if there is going to be an intervention, that person needs to get her to a doctor urgently.
posted by glasseyes at 1:15 PM on August 16, 2013 [3 favorites]

Medical doctor, and then a second opinion. IMHE, sometimes the first (few) doctors miss stuff or misinterpret the problem, tests are inaccurate, etc.

Getting an accurate diagnosis will be a process, sure, but it is well worth pursuing.

- I'm concerned she was fired when her employer should have helped her.

I don't know what legal obligations your mom's employer had in that situation, but I'd put some effort looking into this if the firing has adversely effected her insurance coverage or financial situation.


It's awesome you're able to help. I hope everything falls into place and your mom gets great medical care.
posted by jbenben at 1:59 PM on August 16, 2013

but several times I caught expressions of naked, raw despair on her face.

This makes me wonder if it isn't physical pain she's coping with. My mother struggled with trigeminal neuralgia as she got older, and it was one of the things I think made her retreat into her shell. The pain is sudden, and not apparent to anyone else, and can be difficult to control.
posted by zadcat at 3:31 PM on August 16, 2013

hiding under her desk to avoid people, and her behavior has affected her job. You could call her and express concern, telling her that you've been helped by therapy. You could also call and inform her doctor(s), and suggest she see her doctor. A side effect of distance from an unhealthy parent is that you lose a lot of the ability to intervene in something like this.

"Okay, let's put aside the past 30 years of bullshit for just this conversation. I'm going to talk to you about mental illness and the truth about therapy and how I think you can get help that will actually help, if you want it." Is that a terrible idea? Not so much terrible as unlikely to be effective. People can't set aside 30 years of experience, and it's an adversarial approach. How about Mom, I care about you, I'm worried about you, and I want to tell you about how therapy has helped me. You can send her articles, you can research therapists in her area. Just letting her know that you care is a way of helping.
posted by theora55 at 10:50 AM on August 18, 2013