Wedding gift for an intensely practical friend who has everything?
August 16, 2013 11:44 AM Subscribe
I have a very good friend who is getting married - I am her maid of honor. She is having a destination wedding, and told guests that she and her husband do not want any gifts, as us making the trip is gift enough. I got a couple small, sentimental things for her that will be meaningful, but I also want to get a nice gift for the couple, especially since they got us some generous gifts from our registry when we got married. More inside...
However, they don't have a registry, and they are extremely practical when it comes to "stuff". They live in a small apartment in NYC, so I wouldn't want to get them any physical things. They make good money, so they buy anything they might need when they need it. They are more well-traveled than anyone I know, so travel gifts to them would be unimpressive. A nice NYC restaurant would be an idea, but she's a vegetarian and neither of them are into super fine dining. Despite knowing this person for over 20 years, I have no idea what to get for her and her husband as a couple, as they are just those type of people who seem to have everything they need and don't really indulge in the frivolous things. I don't want to go the sentimental/sappy/handmade route with the gift for the two of them. Any suggestions on what could be right?
However, they don't have a registry, and they are extremely practical when it comes to "stuff". They live in a small apartment in NYC, so I wouldn't want to get them any physical things. They make good money, so they buy anything they might need when they need it. They are more well-traveled than anyone I know, so travel gifts to them would be unimpressive. A nice NYC restaurant would be an idea, but she's a vegetarian and neither of them are into super fine dining. Despite knowing this person for over 20 years, I have no idea what to get for her and her husband as a couple, as they are just those type of people who seem to have everything they need and don't really indulge in the frivolous things. I don't want to go the sentimental/sappy/handmade route with the gift for the two of them. Any suggestions on what could be right?
Response by poster: Oh, and I should also say that my go-to in a situation like this would usually be tickets to something, but neither of them are particularly into music, art, plays, or sports. They both work a lot and spend their downtime socializing with friends or traveling.
Also - brainmouse - I got HER a couple small, sentimental things. I would feel really bad if I didn't get something for them as a couple. I understand her general directive to say "no gifts, you've spent enough traveling here," but I am her maid of honor and her oldest friend. It would feel wrong not to get them anything.
posted by emily37 at 11:47 AM on August 16, 2013
Also - brainmouse - I got HER a couple small, sentimental things. I would feel really bad if I didn't get something for them as a couple. I understand her general directive to say "no gifts, you've spent enough traveling here," but I am her maid of honor and her oldest friend. It would feel wrong not to get them anything.
posted by emily37 at 11:47 AM on August 16, 2013
I'd take brainmouse's advice to heart, but if you're thoroughly set on getting them something, is there a charity they would like you to donate to in their name?
posted by Etrigan at 11:48 AM on August 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 11:48 AM on August 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
told guests that she and her husband do not want any gifts
She has told you what she wants. She knows better than you do what she wants. Nothing drives me crazier than someone asking me for a list of what I want for an event and then getting something not on the list. Seriously, it comes across as insulting and hurtful every time. The thing is almost always something I would never choose for myself, but rather something the giver got that was "a bargain," or "close enough," or worse, something they want me to want.
Hand write a note on nice paper, detaililng your memories of them as a couple, as individuals, your anticipation of many more years of happiness for them and your growing friendship. Your honor and excitement and standing up for her in her ceremony.
posted by bilabial at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
She has told you what she wants. She knows better than you do what she wants. Nothing drives me crazier than someone asking me for a list of what I want for an event and then getting something not on the list. Seriously, it comes across as insulting and hurtful every time. The thing is almost always something I would never choose for myself, but rather something the giver got that was "a bargain," or "close enough," or worse, something they want me to want.
Hand write a note on nice paper, detaililng your memories of them as a couple, as individuals, your anticipation of many more years of happiness for them and your growing friendship. Your honor and excitement and standing up for her in her ceremony.
posted by bilabial at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do they like cocktails? Really, really great scotch or bourbon. Gift certificate for a night out. Champagne basket when they get to their destination.
Cash.
But, seriously, they asked for no gifts. While your generosity is touching, unless there's any indication that they'd like something more, I would leave it the small sentimental things and just provide as much help as you can while planning and handling the wedding itself.
posted by jetlagaddict at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Cash.
But, seriously, they asked for no gifts. While your generosity is touching, unless there's any indication that they'd like something more, I would leave it the small sentimental things and just provide as much help as you can while planning and handling the wedding itself.
posted by jetlagaddict at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
What about a heartfelt, handwritten letter to her and her new husband touching on what you think makes them a wonderful couple. You could include some of your favorite moments you have witnessed with the two of them or your hopes for their future.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you really feel awkward about getting her a few small things but nothing for him, spend time talking to his family and friends to suss out his likes and dislikes.
Otherwise, keep the nice items you have for the bride-to-be, and give them to her as a birthday present. Find comfort in getting them nothing, as some people really do want nothing. I understand the discomfort at the fact that were generous when you got married, but sometimes you'll feel in someone's debt, even if they don't see it that way.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:53 AM on August 16, 2013
Otherwise, keep the nice items you have for the bride-to-be, and give them to her as a birthday present. Find comfort in getting them nothing, as some people really do want nothing. I understand the discomfort at the fact that were generous when you got married, but sometimes you'll feel in someone's debt, even if they don't see it that way.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:53 AM on August 16, 2013
Otherwise, I'll second the charity.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:53 AM on August 16, 2013
posted by filthy light thief at 11:53 AM on August 16, 2013
Were it me, I'd buy them a truly incredible, very expensive bottle of champagne or wine, assuming they drink alcohol. And if they don't, it would be a truly amazing and expensive food item, with fixings.
That would be memorable, yet practical for consumption following the wedding.
Another option would be a very fancy and beautiful guest registry for the wedding, for guests to put their names and best wishes for both of them. And taking care of shipping it home to them so they don't have to cart it.
posted by bearwife at 11:56 AM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
That would be memorable, yet practical for consumption following the wedding.
Another option would be a very fancy and beautiful guest registry for the wedding, for guests to put their names and best wishes for both of them. And taking care of shipping it home to them so they don't have to cart it.
posted by bearwife at 11:56 AM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Give a goat? Or any other popular gift from worldvision.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:01 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:01 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would get them a nice picture frame and put a picture of them in it. It's something a new couple will use and probably doesn't have too many of. Let them know that they can change the picture with another they like more if they'd like.
It's sentimental if you include the picture, and therefore less 'material gift'-like even if it is in fact, a material gift.
posted by cacao at 12:02 PM on August 16, 2013
It's sentimental if you include the picture, and therefore less 'material gift'-like even if it is in fact, a material gift.
posted by cacao at 12:02 PM on August 16, 2013
No gifts seem pretty specific. If you insist on getting them something, how about dinner for 2 at a very nice restaurant at what ever destination you are heading to.
posted by Max Power at 12:18 PM on August 16, 2013
posted by Max Power at 12:18 PM on August 16, 2013
Seconding that you should treat them to dinner! I'm sure there are some super vegetarian places in NYC.
If you want to give them something tangible and gift-ish but practical, how about a whole bunch of nice handcrafted natural soaps in different scents? Everyone needs to shower, and it's something that won't permanently take up room in their apartment.
posted by donut_princess at 12:32 PM on August 16, 2013
If you want to give them something tangible and gift-ish but practical, how about a whole bunch of nice handcrafted natural soaps in different scents? Everyone needs to shower, and it's something that won't permanently take up room in their apartment.
posted by donut_princess at 12:32 PM on August 16, 2013
I agree that if they said no gifts, the best gift is to do as they asked, not to disrespect their wishes because it makes you feel good.
That said, if you're insistent, I'd give them the gift either well before the wedding or well after, and not really mention the wedding itself as part of the gift.
And the best restaurant in NYC for a vegetarian who doesn't like fine dining, but wants to go somewhere special, is Dirt Candy.
posted by decathecting at 12:38 PM on August 16, 2013
That said, if you're insistent, I'd give them the gift either well before the wedding or well after, and not really mention the wedding itself as part of the gift.
And the best restaurant in NYC for a vegetarian who doesn't like fine dining, but wants to go somewhere special, is Dirt Candy.
posted by decathecting at 12:38 PM on August 16, 2013
Best answer: Speaking as someone who has Too Much Stuff, is partnered with someone who has Too Much Stuff, and who will put this in all caps on an invitation if we get married: "no gifts" really means "no gifts." Period.
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from the folks who feel awkward about not bringing a gift."
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from our besties who should read our minds and realize that we actually want gifts from them but not from anyone else."
It doesn't mean "we're trying to look humble and not too materialistic but we actually want all the expensive wedding tchotchke we can cram in out house."
It means "no gifts." Period.
So a good wedding gift for an intensely practical friend who has everything and who has specifically asked for no gifts is honoring her wish for no gifts. Anything else is disrespectful.
posted by jesourie at 12:50 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from the folks who feel awkward about not bringing a gift."
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from our besties who should read our minds and realize that we actually want gifts from them but not from anyone else."
It doesn't mean "we're trying to look humble and not too materialistic but we actually want all the expensive wedding tchotchke we can cram in out house."
It means "no gifts." Period.
So a good wedding gift for an intensely practical friend who has everything and who has specifically asked for no gifts is honoring her wish for no gifts. Anything else is disrespectful.
posted by jesourie at 12:50 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would feel really bad if I didn't get something for them as a couple. I understand her general directive to say "no gifts, you've spent enough traveling here," but I am her maid of honor and her oldest friend.
Would it scratch this itch if a few weeks before the wedding you could take them both out to a nice restaurant or bar, get a bottle of champagne, and toast them / their relationship / their upcoming nuptials? It'd be heartfelt, a very sweet thing to do for them as a couple (as opposed to something just for your friend), while also not being a physical thing that they've expressed a desire to not have given to them.
I'm a minimal-stuff person who is constantly trying to get my in-laws (and to a lesser extent my parents) to stop giving us stuff to let us know they love us or are thinking of us, and I think someone taking us out and doing something sweet like toasting us and saying nice stuff would mean so much more than a handmade or sentimental small gift. Personally, I don't look at small (physical) tokens or gifts--even handmade ones--and get flooded with good feelings about the time and effort that someone put into them. However I absolutely love people doing things that show they care or sharing experiences with me. It sounds like your friend might be the same way?
posted by iminurmefi at 1:02 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Would it scratch this itch if a few weeks before the wedding you could take them both out to a nice restaurant or bar, get a bottle of champagne, and toast them / their relationship / their upcoming nuptials? It'd be heartfelt, a very sweet thing to do for them as a couple (as opposed to something just for your friend), while also not being a physical thing that they've expressed a desire to not have given to them.
I'm a minimal-stuff person who is constantly trying to get my in-laws (and to a lesser extent my parents) to stop giving us stuff to let us know they love us or are thinking of us, and I think someone taking us out and doing something sweet like toasting us and saying nice stuff would mean so much more than a handmade or sentimental small gift. Personally, I don't look at small (physical) tokens or gifts--even handmade ones--and get flooded with good feelings about the time and effort that someone put into them. However I absolutely love people doing things that show they care or sharing experiences with me. It sounds like your friend might be the same way?
posted by iminurmefi at 1:02 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Give them a home-made IOU for an experience to be shared by you and them together: a dinner at your place, a picnic in the park, a [massage/drawing/performance/etc] by you. ie. A gift that is from you, is preferably experience and not a store, and doesn't involve an explicit purchase by you.
posted by Kololo at 1:06 PM on August 16, 2013
posted by Kololo at 1:06 PM on August 16, 2013
I second the idea for a nice bottle of champagne, wine, or liquor, depending on their preferences. Something consumable for sure. Maybe really nice chocolates if they don't drink. Plus a sweet, handwritten card.
posted by JenMarie at 1:09 PM on August 16, 2013
posted by JenMarie at 1:09 PM on August 16, 2013
Gah, my comment should have read:
Give them a home-made IOU for an experience to be shared by you and them together: a dinner at your place, a picnic in the park, a [massage/drawing/performance/etc] by you. ie. A gift that is made by you, is preferably experience and not a product, and doesn't involve an explicit purchase by you.
posted by Kololo at 1:12 PM on August 16, 2013
Give them a home-made IOU for an experience to be shared by you and them together: a dinner at your place, a picnic in the park, a [massage/drawing/performance/etc] by you. ie. A gift that is made by you, is preferably experience and not a product, and doesn't involve an explicit purchase by you.
posted by Kololo at 1:12 PM on August 16, 2013
Although we didn't have a register (because we really wanted cash!) we were grateful for any actual gifts we got because they're still mementoes of a special occasion. So while I'm not saying "oh she didn't really mean NO gifts", if it means a lot to you to get her something I'm sure she'll be really pleased with it, whatever you choose.
One gift we got that we loved, was my friend and her husband got us 3 bottles of wine - 1 for our first anniversary, 1 for our 5th and 1 for our 10th. It was really thoughtful and different, and something to enjoy without being clutter. Ask at your local specialist wine seller for which vintages would work. It's the gift that keeps on giving! And have a great time at the wedding.
posted by billiebee at 1:20 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
One gift we got that we loved, was my friend and her husband got us 3 bottles of wine - 1 for our first anniversary, 1 for our 5th and 1 for our 10th. It was really thoughtful and different, and something to enjoy without being clutter. Ask at your local specialist wine seller for which vintages would work. It's the gift that keeps on giving! And have a great time at the wedding.
posted by billiebee at 1:20 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from the folks who feel awkward about not bringing a gift."
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from our besties who should read our minds and realize that we actually want gifts from them but not from anyone else."
It doesn't mean "we're trying to look humble and not too materialistic but we actually want all the expensive wedding tchotchke we can cram in out house."
It means "no gifts." Period.
This may be true for you, but it doesn't necessarily describe every "no gifts" request. I'll give the OP credit that she knows her friends. But I will agree with others who recommend something consumable or an experience, like dinner out or a home-cooked meal.
posted by JenMarie at 1:22 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
It doesn't mean "no gifts except from our besties who should read our minds and realize that we actually want gifts from them but not from anyone else."
It doesn't mean "we're trying to look humble and not too materialistic but we actually want all the expensive wedding tchotchke we can cram in out house."
It means "no gifts." Period.
This may be true for you, but it doesn't necessarily describe every "no gifts" request. I'll give the OP credit that she knows her friends. But I will agree with others who recommend something consumable or an experience, like dinner out or a home-cooked meal.
posted by JenMarie at 1:22 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is exactly what really nice bottles of booze were made for! It's special/quality/expensive enough to mark the occasion, perfect for people who seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and while it is a physical gift, it takes up little space and is consumable. Just of course be sure to get them something in the family of booze they actually like.
(And as a tiny city apartment-dweller myself, while I would be frustrated if my friends and family ignored my requests for no gifts, I'd have a hard time being upset with a dear friend who gave me a nice, thoughtfully-chosen bottle!)
posted by rhiannonstone at 1:28 PM on August 16, 2013
(And as a tiny city apartment-dweller myself, while I would be frustrated if my friends and family ignored my requests for no gifts, I'd have a hard time being upset with a dear friend who gave me a nice, thoughtfully-chosen bottle!)
posted by rhiannonstone at 1:28 PM on August 16, 2013
I would be incredibly annoyed if I was given a gift after explicitly asking not to be given one. In fact, this happens constantly, as I have everything I need and I don't want more crap.
What a waste. Someone buys something I don't want for a price more than what I could get it for if I did want it, and now I either have to waste my time to try selling it or finding a new owner, or I have to just throw it away, and I have to negotiate whether the giver will find out that I didn't want the gift that I asked them not to give me, and how to deal with that if they get offended.
Just don't give them anything, or give them cash. Please. Don't be that jerk.
posted by brenton at 1:35 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
What a waste. Someone buys something I don't want for a price more than what I could get it for if I did want it, and now I either have to waste my time to try selling it or finding a new owner, or I have to just throw it away, and I have to negotiate whether the giver will find out that I didn't want the gift that I asked them not to give me, and how to deal with that if they get offended.
Just don't give them anything, or give them cash. Please. Don't be that jerk.
posted by brenton at 1:35 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, or the worldvision goat route, that would be better than cash.
posted by brenton at 1:37 PM on August 16, 2013
posted by brenton at 1:37 PM on August 16, 2013
Yeah, if you must get something get fancy booze. We had a no-gifts wedding and one of the nicest things someone got for us (ignoring, of course, that we had asked for no gifts) was four different pretty nice bottles of champagne. It was nice to have a festive drink on hand for our first few happy occasions as a couple and once we finished them they were no longer taking up space in our small apartment. Plus we were poor-ass grad students at the time and it was fun to get to try nice champagnes.
We got a really lovely gift certificate to a very fancy restaurant. We're coming up on our five-year anniversary and still haven't spent it. We both feel terrible about it. We will someday...but at this point we've moved out of the area where the restaurant is actually located and we have a small baby so at least until she's weaned we're not going to use it because it pretty much requires an overnight stay. These kinds of well-intentioned gifts can become albatrosses so easily.
posted by town of cats at 2:32 PM on August 16, 2013
We got a really lovely gift certificate to a very fancy restaurant. We're coming up on our five-year anniversary and still haven't spent it. We both feel terrible about it. We will someday...but at this point we've moved out of the area where the restaurant is actually located and we have a small baby so at least until she's weaned we're not going to use it because it pretty much requires an overnight stay. These kinds of well-intentioned gifts can become albatrosses so easily.
posted by town of cats at 2:32 PM on August 16, 2013
We asked for no gifts for our wedding, and we meant it, for the same reasons your friends did - we have very little space and enough money. People who say that mean it. No one is going to go out of their way to say "no gifts" when they really mean "buy us something." Sentimental gifts for your good friend will be well received, of course, but please don't think that you need to reciprocate because they got you stuff off their registry. I buy things from all my friends' registries if they have them, and it has absolutely no relationship to whether or not they got us a wedding gift.
If you must, though: donations to charity, consumables (wine/beer, fancy pastas or tapenades or whatever), and gift cards to local restaurants are very nice. (I'm a veg, and a couple people went to the effort of seeking out a good vegetarian place to get us a gift card for - a very nice touch.)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 3:00 PM on August 16, 2013
If you must, though: donations to charity, consumables (wine/beer, fancy pastas or tapenades or whatever), and gift cards to local restaurants are very nice. (I'm a veg, and a couple people went to the effort of seeking out a good vegetarian place to get us a gift card for - a very nice touch.)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 3:00 PM on August 16, 2013
Are you a guest at my wedding next year? Seriously. We sincerely appreciate your generosity, but please understand that when we said we don't want gifts, we're not being coy. We really do have what we need and don't want or need anything else. We live in a teeny-tiny place with absolutely no more room for even a single one of the blenders everyone wants to buy us.
We know that your trip to our wedding is expensive. We know it's a struggle for some people to afford. Your presence is infinitely more meaningful to us than any mixer/china/margarita glasses you could possibly buy.
Here's my advice, in order:
1. Don't buy anything.
If you must give a gift:
2. Well-thought out, handwritten memory of either the bride, the groom, or both.
3. Gift to a charity in our honor, for the people who actually DO need something.
We have kicked around the idea of a honeyfund (buy some activity on the honeymoon) for people who insist on purchasing something, but we don't yet have any agreement on doing this.
It would really be better if you didn't buy anything.
posted by cnc at 3:05 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
We know that your trip to our wedding is expensive. We know it's a struggle for some people to afford. Your presence is infinitely more meaningful to us than any mixer/china/margarita glasses you could possibly buy.
Here's my advice, in order:
1. Don't buy anything.
If you must give a gift:
2. Well-thought out, handwritten memory of either the bride, the groom, or both.
3. Gift to a charity in our honor, for the people who actually DO need something.
We have kicked around the idea of a honeyfund (buy some activity on the honeymoon) for people who insist on purchasing something, but we don't yet have any agreement on doing this.
It would really be better if you didn't buy anything.
posted by cnc at 3:05 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is probably a dumb idea (I'm extremely socially awkward, especially with gifts and money stuff) but maybe you could ask the bride and groom if there's a close family member who is maybe having trouble affording the travel cost of the destination wedding and then offering to help that person to attend. Could just be helping them with meals or transportation while at the destination, doesn't have to be a plane ticket or anything like that.
This is something that definitely would have to be worked out with the couple and the guest well in advance.
posted by dogwalker at 9:28 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is something that definitely would have to be worked out with the couple and the guest well in advance.
posted by dogwalker at 9:28 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know what I'd do? I'd save this impulse for their first anniversary and send them a bottle of wine, send them a gift certificate for a meal out or movie tickets. it'll stand out because while they'll probably get a few cards, they'll probably get very few gifts, and it'll mean a lot that you remembered.
posted by lemniskate at 6:32 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 6:32 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm a constant 'no gifts!' person because I'm the sort of person who doesn't like stuff. However, experiences and consumables are fair game. You know your friend and hopefully can make this call.
My no stuff friends have enjoyed subscriptions or memberships a lot, including - year membership to the local zoo, film club membership, cake of the month club, chocolate of the month club, tea of the month club, friends of the opera house, exhibition tickets (preferably at a time to be decided by the couple), massage vouchers, a 'nice day out' voucher (a long bike ride, chosen by the recipient).
I also like the ideas for a present on their anniversary. Your continued friendship is the best present!
posted by kadia_a at 2:30 AM on August 18, 2013
My no stuff friends have enjoyed subscriptions or memberships a lot, including - year membership to the local zoo, film club membership, cake of the month club, chocolate of the month club, tea of the month club, friends of the opera house, exhibition tickets (preferably at a time to be decided by the couple), massage vouchers, a 'nice day out' voucher (a long bike ride, chosen by the recipient).
I also like the ideas for a present on their anniversary. Your continued friendship is the best present!
posted by kadia_a at 2:30 AM on August 18, 2013
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posted by brainmouse at 11:46 AM on August 16, 2013 [9 favorites]