She has started to work in the same company with me, what now ?
August 14, 2013 2:07 PM   Subscribe

I was a perfectly happy man 3 months ago. Then i met a woman by early May, we were in a relation two weeks later. It was too good to be true and apparently things unfold to a rebound situation on her end. We peacefully broke up. I was struggling at first but knew that things will get back to normal soon... after all it wasn't a relation lasted for years. This was until she started to work in the same company with me 2 weeks ago. Now i feel like i am stuck in this limbo forever.

Summary says it all actually. I will provide few additional details here.

me: 36 years old, art director; good looking, popular.

her: 30 years old, perfectly plays several instruments, writes and sings but unexpectedly she has a similar career to mine minus few years of experience.

We are both coming from loving but at the same time moderately dysfunctional families.

We both live in Barcelona.

Here is some history;
We first met at Paris almost 2 years ago. Were there for business and It was a very brief moment. I never saw her again. Then two years later there was an e-mail from her. We met for a coffee... ended up chatting for hours and sleeping together (no sex). We were in an official relation a week later.

On our second week i was already introduced to mother and all good friends which i thought was a bit too early. They all seemed cheering and accepting my existence from day one. She was talking about future, she indirectly asked me couple of times about marriage, etc.

Then 3-4 weeks into the relation and i started to feel that she is not really ok. She was actually sad in a way.
she was slowly getting distant.
There was something in her body language, i would call it guilt if i have to.

Then her previous b-friend called me to tell that she is seeing him too. I was not aware by then that he was clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have a history with obsession.

This was a milestone between me and her because it changed things.

She said she saw him only two or three times.

She said her last relation was the most most toxic one ever. They planned getting married but constant fights, arguments, jealously and manipulation killed the relation. Despite early red flags, she tried too hard to hold the relation together. She invested tremendous amount of energy to no end and emotional tornado was great for her when it ended.

She is trying to recover since more than a year and still in progress. She can't promise for a solid commitment as she feels weak, insecure, lost her belief against relations.

The guy keeps stalking her. Keeps sending messages and mails. All her family and friends are against the guy and they don't speak to him. She says she is never going to get back with him but she remains confused.

She needs to be really strong and cut all strings but i don't see this happening, she is weak in this matter.

I told her "I love you and can see a future for us but you need to deal with your issues first"

We broke up.

Some of her friends begged me to stick with her; they told me this was the first time in long time she was looking alive and happy. That she loves me but it is going to take time, etc. etc.

So much happened between then and today but know this; i couldn't disconnect.

At some point i realised that i am actually seeing her too often and continue to invest. We were definitely not friends but not lovers either. I once again decided to cut all strings.
It was painful and i am still not sure if i was going to be able to remain loyal to my decision. I say so because two weeks later she started to come to my office for job interviews. By late July she was already at the office when i arrived, it was her first day. Since then we are in some sort of relation again... Actually i think most of the company already assumes we are partners.

Over the last week and weekend i was out of the country for business. Few days later she texted me saying she missed me, a day later she called and said that we were buying a house together in her dream.

I passed the early "in love" period. Yet, i still have very strong feelings for her.

An inner voice is telling me to move on asap. Not sure if this rationalism or just plain fear of getting heart broken.
Sometimes we must take risks, no ? but how much risk is too much is the dilemma.

Am i being naive or irrational to think of persistence until winning her heart ?

Is there anything else you can tell me except "run without looking back" ? If this is the only recommendation then how ? Remember that we are in the same building, same floor. Different departments with common projects so i need to constantly talk to her or vice versa.
posted by yamamato to Human Relations (10 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Leave it alone for now. Be pleasant and courteous to her.

Keep your options open.

If you're going to be in a relationship, be in one. If she's not ready, then see other people.

Don't let her yank you around.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:31 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


this sounds like a whole lot of drama. it's like she's stalking you now with getting a job at your place of employment. i find that rather creepy. also, it sounds like her friends want you to rescue her from this bad situation with the ex that she can't let go of. i'd make it perfectly clear that you two are now colleagues and that is it. no personal communications. get out and start dating again. good luck. honestly, this sounds messy and quite dysfunctional.
posted by wildflower at 2:37 PM on August 14, 2013 [5 favorites]


I hope this isn't true but it seems like she might be doing the codependent hop-from-one-relationship-to-the-next thing. This one just happens to be messier than usual because the previous boyfriend is 'crazy' (in quotes because I think it takes practice to react rationally to this kind of an inconclusive breakup).

It's up to you as to whether you want to continue this way. It could get better! But the fact that you've cut ties with her twice means that you've UN-cut ties with her once, and she knows that. You probably won't be able to pull the 'ultimatum' card, as you've set a precedent showing that ultimatums are temporary for you.

I'd really be creeped out by the job thing too, especially that everyone assumes you guys are together. This has the potential to reflect poorly upon you in a professional sense.
posted by destructive cactus at 2:44 PM on August 14, 2013


it's like she's stalking you now with getting a job at your place of employment. i find that rather creepy.

Yes, that is completely inappropriate and creepy. She does not sound emotionally healthy. I recommend you be professional in your communications with her, and start dating again. Do not be friendly, do not go out with her.

Am i being naive or irrational to think of persistence until winning her heart ?

Yes.
posted by shivohum at 2:46 PM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: This woman isn't just rebounding -- she's in an emotional free-fall and you'd be wise not to let her take you down with her. You need to be extremely professional at work -- why do people already think you are a couple? - and you need to emotionally distance yourself from her. Like you said, she needs to deal with her issues before she can be in a relationship, and she hasn't done that. Instead, she's trying to avoid them by hopping into another relationship.
posted by sm1tten at 3:04 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


So, over the course of your one month long relationship, she went from wanting to get married to cheating on you two or three times.

This is someone who likes a lot of drama in their relationships, and you can expect more of these ups and downs if you keep seeing her. I think on some level you were aware of that when she started working in your office.

It's interesting how you describe her previous relationship: early red flags... tried too hard to hold the relation together... keeps stalking her... never going to get back with him but she remains confused. If you switch the genders of the two people you are writing about, it sounds a lot like your relationship with her.

By late July she was already at the office when i arrived, it was her first day. Since then we are in some sort of relation again

Is there anything else you can tell me except "run without looking back" ? If this is the only recommendation then how ?

I read this as that you are in some sort of sexual or dating relationship at this point in time. If instead the situation is that you are not dating, but that she is telling everyone you are -- well, in the US you would start documenting everything and possibly talk to HR. The EU may be different.

You wrote your question anticipating that you would be told to run and not look back. It seems like you understand the situation you are in already, but are not sure how to escape it.

I don't know what the laws and office culture are like in Spain, but in many US companies it would be very worrisome for someone in your situation. In short, this is the sort of situation where the crude Americanism "Don't shit where you eat" applies -- basically that means one should be very careful about romantic relationships in the workplace, as it can put one's employment at risk, particularly if you date someone who behaves the way she does in relationships. Basically, it is a warning to not get into the situation you are now in, because it's very difficult or even impossible to fix.

Your problems are twofold: you need to break up with her in a way that won't lead to any workplace problems, and you need to keep yourself from getting into a relationship with her again. Any further interaction with her should be strictly on a professional level -- no asking after her family or how her weekend was, nothing but work related conversation.

If there are laws or company policies covering dating coworkers, sexual harassment, or anything like that, learn about those and find out if you should be documenting things, how to do that, and what to document. If you want to keep working at your current company, consider talking with an employment lawyer (IANAL, and know nothing of EU employment law). Make excuses not to see her while you figure all this out.

I have no idea how you can peacefully break up with her, frankly. If she feels rejected by you, she may react unpredictably. Maybe you can say something about feeling guilty about having broken your own strict personal rule about dating in the workplace, or professional ethics, something that has nothing to do with who she is as a person.

After that, absolutely avoid going on any business trips with her, or any meetings with just the two of you in an office.

It's part of the human condition that sometimes one can have very strong feelings for a person, and that person can have very strong feelings back, and for it to be impossible to have a healthy relationship between those two people.
posted by yohko at 3:24 PM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I think that more often than not with people who seem drawn to or surrounded by drama, as this woman certainly seems to be, that if you are the knight in shining armor coming to her rescue, sooner or later that person will make you into the dragon that some other knight must/will ride in to save her from.

It sounds like your gut reaction is to move on, and if so I certainly think your gut is worth listening to. The first step is to set very clear boundaries for yourself and figure out how you are going to follow them. The next step is making her aware of those boundaries and your expectation that she respect them as well.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 3:47 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: hi all, thanks for your responses. I am going to consider all advises given.

i am afraid, i made it look like every issue and problem belongs to her and i am the ultimate victim. it was me acting weak and breaking no contact 2 times. Yes, she is flirting with me all the time because i was leaving that door open.

the week she joined the company was a socially intense period by coincidence. I mean there were too many gatherings involving other employees of the company. We both acted somewhat like a couple. I think that caused people to think we might be together.

Someone asked if it is a sexual or dating relationship. There is no sex involved. I don't want it because it would only make me get attached further and she is not pushing it.

Taking legal action at this point is out of question. The company i work for is the the leading one at Europe. If she gets fired from this company, she is not getting any jobs at Europe again, at least not in the same industry. So i am going to wait and observe for the moment. I also need to observe my self and see if i am subconsciously feeding the matter. It is so easy to fall into self manipulation, such as acting as the victim here (as i did in the original post) but in fact being equally involved with the drama.

I have heard your recommendations, i will collect evidence just in case.

finally know this - she asked me if i have any objections when her interviews moved to a more serious state and started to look like she is getting the job. I couldn't say it is no good for me, i said i am fine. I can now see that my subconsciousness actually wanted her to get the job because then she was going to be in my environment all the time where i am really strong. I think it was her responsibility not to join to the same company with me, i mean she shouldn't have applied at first.

thanks everybody. It is indeed a complicated situation and a bit embarrassing. Surely life is trying to tell me something :)
posted by yamamato at 6:03 AM on August 15, 2013


Don't add any drama that isn't there, act like normal, and it will BE normal. The only awkward is what you allow.

--Alex (<--knows all about "bringing the awkward")
posted by malrimple at 1:09 PM on August 15, 2013


Taking legal action at this point is out of question.

Oh, I wasn't meaning to suggest YOU would want to take legal action against HER at all, sorry if I gave that impression.

That may have come out a bit unclear due to cultural differences, from my US not-a-lawyer perspective, it doesn't seem like there is anything she has done that would make sense to take legal action against, so I did not think to specifically point out that I was NOT suggesting a lawyer so that you could take legal action yourself.

I thought from your question that the two of you had started dating again after some stalker-y behavior on her part, and you weren't sure how to break up and keep your job. The lawyer suggestion was intended to be about learning how to protect yourself in the event of any potential future complaints from her (not legal action necessarily, possibly something internal to your company) that could endanger your job. Wasn't meant as a suggestion to dash out and take legal action.
posted by yohko at 9:46 PM on August 15, 2013


« Older The whole world...on my wall.   |   Roast Beef & Pizza. Pizza & Roast Beef.... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.