The grass might be greener, but I don't want it to be!
August 14, 2013 10:22 AM Subscribe
I don't especially want to leave my boyfriend, but how do I stop feeling like I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life if I don't?
I've been with my current SO just shy of 3 years, living together for 1. I'd say we're about 75% compatible. On the whole, we have a content, loving relationship. We enjoy just hanging out together, eating out, traveling, and being silly with one another. We match up on most of the Big Things (religion, children, finances, juggling our careers), and he loves me a great deal. The things we don't agree on are that I'm a little further left-wing than he is, he's an introvert who's has a hard time breaking out of his own mind sometimes, and I'm a hardcore intersectional feminist, while he's got a ton of white cis male privilege (but he has been open-minded about the last point and is slowly becoming more aware).
About a year ago I met someone else through a research project I was doing in where I interviewed people, so we talked for about 15-20 minutes about ourselves. Afterwards, he asked me out for coffee, but I said I was with someone and he was affable about it. I later told my SO, who was a little jealous, but I felt like if I could tell him about it, it wasn't a big deal. But I was rattled, because I was attracted to this guy the minute I saw him, and during the course of our conversation, I found out we had a lot in common. In fact, probably more than my current SO and I do. I felt nauseous and horrible about it, because I've never been concretely attracted to someone outside a relationship I've been in, ever. I've always been fiercely loyal to my partners, and couldn't possibly understand why other people couldn't just be happy with the person they were with. We've talked professionally a couple of times since that interview and are friends on facebook, but I've never allowed myself to be in a situation where I might cheat.
I try to tell myself that I'm just idealizing this guy, and I've tried so hard to find even one little thing that I dislike about him, so that I can let it go and fully commit myself to my real, actual boyfriend, who I have gone through all the crappy times with, who's seen me at my worst and still loves me (and vice versa). I try to reason that there's no guarantee this guy doesn't have a massive dealbreaker that I'm not seeing, that he could be abusive, or hate children, or be lousy in bed. I beat myself up for being such a horrible person as to even start to compare people to one another, since what's really important is the unique relationship you have with any given person. But I feel exactly like Homer in that episode of The Simpsons where he meets Mindy, and the more he tries to find something wrong with her out of loyalty to Marge, the more he finds out how compatible they actually are.
I know there's no best answer, but has anyone here been in a similar situation and found your way out? I've read through lots of situations that seem similar on the surface, but underneath the person usually is already having some problems with the current SO or met their partner when they were very young and inexperienced (I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 31).
I've been with my current SO just shy of 3 years, living together for 1. I'd say we're about 75% compatible. On the whole, we have a content, loving relationship. We enjoy just hanging out together, eating out, traveling, and being silly with one another. We match up on most of the Big Things (religion, children, finances, juggling our careers), and he loves me a great deal. The things we don't agree on are that I'm a little further left-wing than he is, he's an introvert who's has a hard time breaking out of his own mind sometimes, and I'm a hardcore intersectional feminist, while he's got a ton of white cis male privilege (but he has been open-minded about the last point and is slowly becoming more aware).
About a year ago I met someone else through a research project I was doing in where I interviewed people, so we talked for about 15-20 minutes about ourselves. Afterwards, he asked me out for coffee, but I said I was with someone and he was affable about it. I later told my SO, who was a little jealous, but I felt like if I could tell him about it, it wasn't a big deal. But I was rattled, because I was attracted to this guy the minute I saw him, and during the course of our conversation, I found out we had a lot in common. In fact, probably more than my current SO and I do. I felt nauseous and horrible about it, because I've never been concretely attracted to someone outside a relationship I've been in, ever. I've always been fiercely loyal to my partners, and couldn't possibly understand why other people couldn't just be happy with the person they were with. We've talked professionally a couple of times since that interview and are friends on facebook, but I've never allowed myself to be in a situation where I might cheat.
I try to tell myself that I'm just idealizing this guy, and I've tried so hard to find even one little thing that I dislike about him, so that I can let it go and fully commit myself to my real, actual boyfriend, who I have gone through all the crappy times with, who's seen me at my worst and still loves me (and vice versa). I try to reason that there's no guarantee this guy doesn't have a massive dealbreaker that I'm not seeing, that he could be abusive, or hate children, or be lousy in bed. I beat myself up for being such a horrible person as to even start to compare people to one another, since what's really important is the unique relationship you have with any given person. But I feel exactly like Homer in that episode of The Simpsons where he meets Mindy, and the more he tries to find something wrong with her out of loyalty to Marge, the more he finds out how compatible they actually are.
I know there's no best answer, but has anyone here been in a similar situation and found your way out? I've read through lots of situations that seem similar on the surface, but underneath the person usually is already having some problems with the current SO or met their partner when they were very young and inexperienced (I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 31).
You may be idealizing the new guy, but that doesn't change the fact that you don't feel you are fully compatible with your current partner, and you don't feel you're getting everything you want/need out of the relationship. I would never choose to live a "good enough" life with someone, and having it be a 75% compatibility (as you described) reads as "good enough". You don't seem to be okay with good enough any more. I think you know you could find someone better suited to you. This new guy has just made you extra aware of that fact.
And good for you for not cheating and being upfront about being in a relationship. Seriously, that is awesome of you. Many many people have been in that position and NOT taken that high road.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:31 AM on August 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
And good for you for not cheating and being upfront about being in a relationship. Seriously, that is awesome of you. Many many people have been in that position and NOT taken that high road.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:31 AM on August 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
...I found out we had a lot in common. In fact, probably more than my current SO and I do.
Not to contradict your experience, but you're comparing someone you had, literally, fifteen minutes of interaction with to someone you've known for three years. There is nothing at all you can glean from fifteen minutes of casual conversation, some professional interaction and being Facebook friends being outside of glaring, glaring flaws and the most shallow (in the "unexplored," not derogatory sense) aspects of their personality and interests. There is a dude you met, and a dude in your head, and they're not the same dude.
You can't find anything you dislike about him, because you do not know him. On the other hand, your boyfriend is a real, live human being who sweats and farts and disagrees with you on certain things and likes things you don't and doesn't like things you like. The knowledge you have in the latter scenario is actually knowing a person. Your crush is a crush: a bit of the person you met, and a whole lot of projecting your desires for a more perfect partner onto that person.
It is okay to have an occasional crush as long as you're not putting yourself in danger of infidelity, and you don't seem to be. It is not okay to feel nauseous and horrible after speaking with someone, regardless of how awesome they are. Confused? Sure. Tempted? Why not. But feeling physically ill isn't an appropriate reaction, and isn't healthy simply because you fill find yourself in this situation again. I am of the opinion that everyone does, and the important thing is what you do and not how you feel.
posted by griphus at 10:32 AM on August 14, 2013 [46 favorites]
Not to contradict your experience, but you're comparing someone you had, literally, fifteen minutes of interaction with to someone you've known for three years. There is nothing at all you can glean from fifteen minutes of casual conversation, some professional interaction and being Facebook friends being outside of glaring, glaring flaws and the most shallow (in the "unexplored," not derogatory sense) aspects of their personality and interests. There is a dude you met, and a dude in your head, and they're not the same dude.
You can't find anything you dislike about him, because you do not know him. On the other hand, your boyfriend is a real, live human being who sweats and farts and disagrees with you on certain things and likes things you don't and doesn't like things you like. The knowledge you have in the latter scenario is actually knowing a person. Your crush is a crush: a bit of the person you met, and a whole lot of projecting your desires for a more perfect partner onto that person.
It is okay to have an occasional crush as long as you're not putting yourself in danger of infidelity, and you don't seem to be. It is not okay to feel nauseous and horrible after speaking with someone, regardless of how awesome they are. Confused? Sure. Tempted? Why not. But feeling physically ill isn't an appropriate reaction, and isn't healthy simply because you fill find yourself in this situation again. I am of the opinion that everyone does, and the important thing is what you do and not how you feel.
posted by griphus at 10:32 AM on August 14, 2013 [46 favorites]
I guarantee you that this other guy is not as great as your lizard brain wants to think he is. But that doesn't mean that your current boyfriend is perfect for you either.
The fact that you're crushing so hard for this other dude is probably because you know, on some level, that you're not all that into your boyfriend anymore. It's ok, it happens. Not every relationship has to end in some awful breakup; sometimes people just realize that [relationship] isn't enough for them anymore, and it's time to move on.
Time to move on to that other dude? I don't know. Time to end it with the current dude? Maybe. Have a think about it.
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on August 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
The fact that you're crushing so hard for this other dude is probably because you know, on some level, that you're not all that into your boyfriend anymore. It's ok, it happens. Not every relationship has to end in some awful breakup; sometimes people just realize that [relationship] isn't enough for them anymore, and it's time to move on.
Time to move on to that other dude? I don't know. Time to end it with the current dude? Maybe. Have a think about it.
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on August 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
You are absolutely idealizing this guy, because you don't know him, at all. Whereas you can look at your current SO and think about how bad his farts smell, and how he never does the dishes, whatever.
You're making a mistake if you view this as 'this other guy' vs your SO. You should evaluate your current relationship on it's merits alone before you even think about this other guy again.
posted by wrok at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
You're making a mistake if you view this as 'this other guy' vs your SO. You should evaluate your current relationship on it's merits alone before you even think about this other guy again.
posted by wrok at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else, or pausing to consider a relationship with someone else. Most people are not 100% compatible with their partners, at least in my anecdotal experience.
I think of it as making a choice to stay in my relationship - aside from this other guy, do I want to stay with my BF? There's always other options out there. Do you want to stay in the relationship you're in? That's the question. The other guy is a red herring.
posted by KAS at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think of it as making a choice to stay in my relationship - aside from this other guy, do I want to stay with my BF? There's always other options out there. Do you want to stay in the relationship you're in? That's the question. The other guy is a red herring.
posted by KAS at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
P.S. the focus of trying to find something wrong with this guy is still focusing on this guy. If you really want to get over him, think about something else.
posted by windykites at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by windykites at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you are unhappy with your SO and don't think you will have a happy future together, then you should leave. That's all the reason you need.
But...I don't think leaving solely because someone else seems like they *might* be a better fit is a good reason to leave. Because that's pretty much always going to be the case. Monogamous relationships have the potential to be long, really long. And in the course of many decades, you are almost certainly going to find yourself wondering, attracted to other people, thinking about what might have been with someone else. But it's kind of a trick, right? Because you are comparing the complicated details of what making a life with someone actually is to the idea of making a life with this other person. That limerence of new relationships is alluring - and when you're in a years-long relationship with someone, it fades and you miss it. You have to keep in mind that this will be the case no matter who you are with, if you plan on doing the long-term forever type thing.
Still, if you are unhappy with your SO, that's reason enough to leave. But don't leave thinking you will find someone who you will be forever in perfect eyes-only-for-you love with.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
But...I don't think leaving solely because someone else seems like they *might* be a better fit is a good reason to leave. Because that's pretty much always going to be the case. Monogamous relationships have the potential to be long, really long. And in the course of many decades, you are almost certainly going to find yourself wondering, attracted to other people, thinking about what might have been with someone else. But it's kind of a trick, right? Because you are comparing the complicated details of what making a life with someone actually is to the idea of making a life with this other person. That limerence of new relationships is alluring - and when you're in a years-long relationship with someone, it fades and you miss it. You have to keep in mind that this will be the case no matter who you are with, if you plan on doing the long-term forever type thing.
Still, if you are unhappy with your SO, that's reason enough to leave. But don't leave thinking you will find someone who you will be forever in perfect eyes-only-for-you love with.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:33 AM on August 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
There's always going to be other people you meet that you like, in the same way the grass is always greener. Independent of this guy, do you want to stay with your boyfriend? If so (and it sounds like you do), I would start by defriending new guy on fb.
I think this is pretty common, and not worth beating yourself up over at all.
posted by Fig at 10:36 AM on August 14, 2013
I think this is pretty common, and not worth beating yourself up over at all.
posted by Fig at 10:36 AM on August 14, 2013
Never break up with someone for anyone but yourself.
posted by Etrigan at 10:36 AM on August 14, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 10:36 AM on August 14, 2013 [17 favorites]
I beat myself up for being such a horrible person as to even start to compare people to one another
Oh my god chill. You have a crush. You seem to have never had one before when you were in a relationship, but they are normal, and it's not only bad, disloyal people who have crushes on someone other than their SO. What makes for a bad, disloyal person is someone who acts on the crush without the knowledge and consent of the SO and the crush-ee.
That said, you don't need a reason like "My boyfriend is abusive" in order to break up. You can break up because you're kinda unhappy, or a little bored, or really for any reason at all - some of which may not be entirely healthy reasons, mind, but still.
Sometimes getting a crush is a Symptom that something is wrong in your relationship. Sometimes getting a crush is just a pipe.
posted by rtha at 10:37 AM on August 14, 2013 [32 favorites]
Oh my god chill. You have a crush. You seem to have never had one before when you were in a relationship, but they are normal, and it's not only bad, disloyal people who have crushes on someone other than their SO. What makes for a bad, disloyal person is someone who acts on the crush without the knowledge and consent of the SO and the crush-ee.
That said, you don't need a reason like "My boyfriend is abusive" in order to break up. You can break up because you're kinda unhappy, or a little bored, or really for any reason at all - some of which may not be entirely healthy reasons, mind, but still.
Sometimes getting a crush is a Symptom that something is wrong in your relationship. Sometimes getting a crush is just a pipe.
posted by rtha at 10:37 AM on August 14, 2013 [32 favorites]
The first half hour when you chat to someone is almost always thrilling and easy - you just learning about each other, every question is new, every topic is unexplored, there are no shitty arguments on your mind.
So, let me caution you (as others above have) that this very brief encounter with someone is a poor way to judge your overall compatibility with them - hence why many romances start strongly and then fizzle.
But that is a separate question from whether you are currently satisfied with your partner, and I would encourage you to not conflate them.
posted by modernnomad at 10:41 AM on August 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
So, let me caution you (as others above have) that this very brief encounter with someone is a poor way to judge your overall compatibility with them - hence why many romances start strongly and then fizzle.
But that is a separate question from whether you are currently satisfied with your partner, and I would encourage you to not conflate them.
posted by modernnomad at 10:41 AM on August 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Is there any way to find out--maybe looking through emails, asking your parents or your best friend, or something-- how you would have described your relationship with your BF a year ago?
Because the description you offer of your relationship here sounds, well, kind of bleak. But it is impossible to tell how much of that bleakness is just by comparison with Imaginary Crush Dude (because he is, like, 95% imaginary to you at this point).
I wonder if you would always have described your relationship in such unsatisfying terms. Maybe so. In which case, perhaps your crush on Imaginary Crush Dude is trying to wake you up so you don't blah away your life.
Or maybe not, and you would be astonished to find that, prior to Crush Dude, you actually were thrilled with your relationship, and could definitely rekindle that state in his absence.
Either way, I think you have to cut off all contact with Crush Dude, like, yesterday.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:47 AM on August 14, 2013
Because the description you offer of your relationship here sounds, well, kind of bleak. But it is impossible to tell how much of that bleakness is just by comparison with Imaginary Crush Dude (because he is, like, 95% imaginary to you at this point).
I wonder if you would always have described your relationship in such unsatisfying terms. Maybe so. In which case, perhaps your crush on Imaginary Crush Dude is trying to wake you up so you don't blah away your life.
Or maybe not, and you would be astonished to find that, prior to Crush Dude, you actually were thrilled with your relationship, and could definitely rekindle that state in his absence.
Either way, I think you have to cut off all contact with Crush Dude, like, yesterday.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:47 AM on August 14, 2013
Sorry, when I said it is "not okay" to be physically ill after such an encounter, I don't mean you are bad and wrong for feeling so. That's not something you can control at this point and you shouldn't feel bad about emotional responses because that causes all sorts of vicious emotional circles. What I meant was that you need to do some soul-searching, or get some therapy, or whatever it is you need to do to figure out why you're reacting in such a manner, and what you can do to react in a healthier manner (i.e. not just ignoring it until it goes away.)
posted by griphus at 10:48 AM on August 14, 2013
posted by griphus at 10:48 AM on August 14, 2013
I felt nauseous and horrible about it, because I've never been concretely attracted to someone outside a relationship I've been in, ever. I've always been fiercely loyal to my partners, and couldn't possibly understand why other people couldn't just be happy with the person they were with.
So, this is actually not all that typical, and it doesn't make you more virtuous than people who can feel attracted to people they aren't dating, and the fact that you're attracted to somebody else now doesn't MEAN anything at all.
You know that if you'd never met your BF, you probably would have wound up with someone else. So, obviously it's possible for you to be attracted to others. Falling in love doesn't somehow scoop out the part of your brain that thinks people are hot and lock it in your boyfriend's attic.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:48 AM on August 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
So, this is actually not all that typical, and it doesn't make you more virtuous than people who can feel attracted to people they aren't dating, and the fact that you're attracted to somebody else now doesn't MEAN anything at all.
You know that if you'd never met your BF, you probably would have wound up with someone else. So, obviously it's possible for you to be attracted to others. Falling in love doesn't somehow scoop out the part of your brain that thinks people are hot and lock it in your boyfriend's attic.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:48 AM on August 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't especially want to leave my boyfriend, but how do I stop feeling like I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life if I don't?
Spoiler alert: this is the phrasing of someone who is going to leave her boyfriend. Whether it's for someone you've spent a coffee break plus 15 minutes with, or for someone else, or for no one in particular, your question suggests a lot about your actual feelings about your relationship.
I think your infatuation with coffee man is just noise, personally, and realistically, he's surely not all that you're building him up in your mind to be. Don't let that folly be the reason you break up.
You've had some good times with BF, and that's great. You don't express a strong feeling for your BF in your question--and while you note the naivete of other lovelorn ("met their partner when they were very young and inexperienced (I'm 26..."), it sounds like you met this guy when you were about 23. That's incredibly young, in my book, and often a time when well meaning people complacently settle down with comfortable, if not ideal, companions.
To me, it sounds like you've checked out of this relationship, and realized that 75% is good enough in the short term, but not foundation of a life together. I'd agree.
Good luck. And I'd echo some of the posters above--don't cheat. Break it off with BF and figure out what you really want before taking up with someone else.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:49 AM on August 14, 2013 [14 favorites]
Spoiler alert: this is the phrasing of someone who is going to leave her boyfriend. Whether it's for someone you've spent a coffee break plus 15 minutes with, or for someone else, or for no one in particular, your question suggests a lot about your actual feelings about your relationship.
I think your infatuation with coffee man is just noise, personally, and realistically, he's surely not all that you're building him up in your mind to be. Don't let that folly be the reason you break up.
You've had some good times with BF, and that's great. You don't express a strong feeling for your BF in your question--and while you note the naivete of other lovelorn ("met their partner when they were very young and inexperienced (I'm 26..."), it sounds like you met this guy when you were about 23. That's incredibly young, in my book, and often a time when well meaning people complacently settle down with comfortable, if not ideal, companions.
To me, it sounds like you've checked out of this relationship, and realized that 75% is good enough in the short term, but not foundation of a life together. I'd agree.
Good luck. And I'd echo some of the posters above--don't cheat. Break it off with BF and figure out what you really want before taking up with someone else.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:49 AM on August 14, 2013 [14 favorites]
I have been in this exact situation. I left the previous boyfriend after my feelings for the new guy (now my fiancé) helped me acknowledge my doubts about that relationship. But not before I experienced at least four months of gut wrenching anxiety, self hatred, and guilt for feeling love for two people at once. I was compatible with both of them, but when I met Fiancé it was kind of like a lightning bolt of "oh dear."
Now that I am with Fiancé sometimes I get a more general feeling of "ugh I can't believe I am with a person who does X" but it's on top of a feeling of "but that doesn't matter because he is great." No one is going to be perfect, and in some moments that is intensely comforting and in others it is a little frustrating, but I just kind of know that I am with who I am supposed to be with. That is how I know I made the choice right for me.
HOWEVER, it's worth noting that Fiancé and I are also in an open relationship. Were the situation to somehow ever come up again we'd be free to investigate the crush with no consequences. Not an option for everyone, but that's how I ended up resolving my emotional responses.
posted by teslacoilswoah at 10:49 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Now that I am with Fiancé sometimes I get a more general feeling of "ugh I can't believe I am with a person who does X" but it's on top of a feeling of "but that doesn't matter because he is great." No one is going to be perfect, and in some moments that is intensely comforting and in others it is a little frustrating, but I just kind of know that I am with who I am supposed to be with. That is how I know I made the choice right for me.
HOWEVER, it's worth noting that Fiancé and I are also in an open relationship. Were the situation to somehow ever come up again we'd be free to investigate the crush with no consequences. Not an option for everyone, but that's how I ended up resolving my emotional responses.
posted by teslacoilswoah at 10:49 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you would enjoy the film, Take This Waltz, with Sarah Silverman, Michelle Williams, and Seth Rogen. Its about having crushes outside of your relationship and making choices. I think it might really speak to you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:50 AM on August 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:50 AM on August 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
After three years you need to be able to say, unequivicably: This is the guy for me.
If you have doubts or concerns or if it's just not ringing your bell anymore, then you should pull the plug on it.
It doesn't have to be bad to be wrong.
If you think you can be happy for the rest of your life with your current boyfriend as your partner, then chalk up your brief encounter as one of those weird things we humans are wired for.
Sure, handsome, total stranger whose habits we don't know about is ALWAYS going to look better than Ole Faithful at home.
I'm pretty sure that if Kate Bush happened by, that Husbunny would give himself whiplash doing a double-take. He's also be VERY interested in having a deep meaningful conversation with her.
I've got a thing for Vincent D'Onofrio. The real thing about it though, is that while we may have our celebrity crushes, we don't really know those people. They might drive us batshit with their bullshit.
So, because I love Husbunny and because we're so very happy together, even if Vincent D'Onofrio and I met in real life. I might try to see if he smells as good as he looks, but that's about as far as it will ever go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:52 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you have doubts or concerns or if it's just not ringing your bell anymore, then you should pull the plug on it.
It doesn't have to be bad to be wrong.
If you think you can be happy for the rest of your life with your current boyfriend as your partner, then chalk up your brief encounter as one of those weird things we humans are wired for.
Sure, handsome, total stranger whose habits we don't know about is ALWAYS going to look better than Ole Faithful at home.
I'm pretty sure that if Kate Bush happened by, that Husbunny would give himself whiplash doing a double-take. He's also be VERY interested in having a deep meaningful conversation with her.
I've got a thing for Vincent D'Onofrio. The real thing about it though, is that while we may have our celebrity crushes, we don't really know those people. They might drive us batshit with their bullshit.
So, because I love Husbunny and because we're so very happy together, even if Vincent D'Onofrio and I met in real life. I might try to see if he smells as good as he looks, but that's about as far as it will ever go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:52 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
One of my best friends is about to get married and has confided in me very similar feelings, although not nessecarily directed at one person in particular as in your case. I'll tell you what I tell her. While it may seem that you have something more in common with someone else, you also have to consider all of those things that affect compatibility that aren't "on paper" in that sense. Having someone that you are compatible with and get along with, and who is there for the ups and downs, and loves you in spite of your flaws and that you love inspite of their's is hugely important in my eyes.
Also, this is completely normal, especially for this point in your relationship. The point where you have been living together for a while, and some of the excitement has worn away. You are getting into the routine of everyday life living with someone else, and eyes are sure to wander. To think about what it would have been like with so and so, or what it would be like with so and so, but in the long run, I usually try to imagine my life without my SO, in a way that isn't focused on the convenience and cost of living together, and typically what I find is that I can't imagine it, or don't like what I see. That is what I would recommend doing. If you think you would be better off for it, regardless of being with Mr. X, than that is a different situation. Imagine what it would be like being alone without your SO, try to base your decision on your happiness within your current relationship, and not what is available instead.
posted by Quincy at 10:56 AM on August 14, 2013
Also, this is completely normal, especially for this point in your relationship. The point where you have been living together for a while, and some of the excitement has worn away. You are getting into the routine of everyday life living with someone else, and eyes are sure to wander. To think about what it would have been like with so and so, or what it would be like with so and so, but in the long run, I usually try to imagine my life without my SO, in a way that isn't focused on the convenience and cost of living together, and typically what I find is that I can't imagine it, or don't like what I see. That is what I would recommend doing. If you think you would be better off for it, regardless of being with Mr. X, than that is a different situation. Imagine what it would be like being alone without your SO, try to base your decision on your happiness within your current relationship, and not what is available instead.
posted by Quincy at 10:56 AM on August 14, 2013
I don't know whether you should stay or go with Current Boyfriend. I do think it's kind of a bad sign if you're having to make justifications to yourself.
Crushing is normal, but, also could be a sign that part of you is bored/unhappy/ready to move on.
So instead of hitting that part of yourself with a frying pan and trying to bury it, maybe talk to it. A crush is really about you, more than the crush object.
So. How are you? Do you want to marry the current guy? If so, why haven't you yet? Do you want to just keep drifting along together? Do you miss being single and able to pursue new people? Do you find yourself saying "This is the best I could possibly do so I better not miff it," but then feeling sad because you feel like you're settling? Are there things you want to do but can't because you're with Current Guy, and are these things really important to you and bugging you?
It's ok to have these questions. It does not make you Bad. It may rock the boat of your relationship. It may break it up. Neither of these events would make you Bad, either.
(Likewise, in a week you might not give a rip about Crush Guy and everything's fine.)
posted by emjaybee at 11:11 AM on August 14, 2013
Crushing is normal, but, also could be a sign that part of you is bored/unhappy/ready to move on.
So instead of hitting that part of yourself with a frying pan and trying to bury it, maybe talk to it. A crush is really about you, more than the crush object.
So. How are you? Do you want to marry the current guy? If so, why haven't you yet? Do you want to just keep drifting along together? Do you miss being single and able to pursue new people? Do you find yourself saying "This is the best I could possibly do so I better not miff it," but then feeling sad because you feel like you're settling? Are there things you want to do but can't because you're with Current Guy, and are these things really important to you and bugging you?
It's ok to have these questions. It does not make you Bad. It may rock the boat of your relationship. It may break it up. Neither of these events would make you Bad, either.
(Likewise, in a week you might not give a rip about Crush Guy and everything's fine.)
posted by emjaybee at 11:11 AM on August 14, 2013
(Likewise, in a week you might not give a rip about Crush Guy and everything's fine.)
While this is certainly possible, she's been nursing the crush for nearly a year, it sounds like. It isn't something that just came up.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:14 AM on August 14, 2013
While this is certainly possible, she's been nursing the crush for nearly a year, it sounds like. It isn't something that just came up.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:14 AM on August 14, 2013
Married 20 years here and still get occasional "crushes". Hence the saying, "I may be married, but I'm not dead." I choose not to act on them and to stay married because I love hubby and we have a good relationship. I agree with those who say you have to evaluate your current relationship on its own merits, not against the potential qualities of another person.
posted by michellenoel at 11:27 AM on August 14, 2013
posted by michellenoel at 11:27 AM on August 14, 2013
Regarding your current SO, things are 'content' on the whole, and 'he loves [you] a great deal'. But you never really say how you feel about him.
And it's been a year since your meeting with AttractiveNewGuy; things in long term relationships wax and wane, and I'd think that over the course of a year, if your feelings for your current SO were going to cycle back around to a better place, they likely would have done so by now. But instead, your thoughts still turn to AttractiveNewGuy.
Like others have said, I think AttractiveNewGuy is not the main issue here. But it really does sound like your current relationship just does not feel to you like it's giving you enough. Not as compared to anything else (like an imagined possible relationship with AttractiveNewGuy); it's just not feeling good enough for you, period. If the thought of staying in your current relationship consistently provokes 'feeling like [you're] going to regret it for the rest of [your] life,' that's something you ought to reflect on.
posted by fikri at 11:30 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
And it's been a year since your meeting with AttractiveNewGuy; things in long term relationships wax and wane, and I'd think that over the course of a year, if your feelings for your current SO were going to cycle back around to a better place, they likely would have done so by now. But instead, your thoughts still turn to AttractiveNewGuy.
Like others have said, I think AttractiveNewGuy is not the main issue here. But it really does sound like your current relationship just does not feel to you like it's giving you enough. Not as compared to anything else (like an imagined possible relationship with AttractiveNewGuy); it's just not feeling good enough for you, period. If the thought of staying in your current relationship consistently provokes 'feeling like [you're] going to regret it for the rest of [your] life,' that's something you ought to reflect on.
posted by fikri at 11:30 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
So, around the time you moved in with your SO, you developed a crush on someone else.
This could be nothing, and just the first time you've had an attraction while in a relationship, which is normal and healthy and fine. This could be your reaction to living with your SO. Or this could be your feeling like the 25% incompatibility with your SO is, in fact, too much.
Separate the crush out from your relationship. Stop examining the crush. You don't have to find a reason in your crush-object to not like him any more. Stop fixating on him completely. Do something else. Break your habit of thinking about him, and the crush might go away on its own.
posted by RainyJay at 11:30 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
This could be nothing, and just the first time you've had an attraction while in a relationship, which is normal and healthy and fine. This could be your reaction to living with your SO. Or this could be your feeling like the 25% incompatibility with your SO is, in fact, too much.
Separate the crush out from your relationship. Stop examining the crush. You don't have to find a reason in your crush-object to not like him any more. Stop fixating on him completely. Do something else. Break your habit of thinking about him, and the crush might go away on its own.
posted by RainyJay at 11:30 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Joining the crew saying that it's fine to even be married and have crushes....but that does not seem to be what you're having here.
A happily-married or happily-partnered crush goes like this "OH LOOK HE IS SO PRETTY I WANT TO SMELL HIS HAIR AND HEAR ABOUT ALL HIS THOUGHTS." *heartbeat* "BUT DEFINITELY NOT MARRY OR LIVE WITH HIM."
When you're happy in a serious long term relationship, that person seems like the most perfect person you could ever be married to or with. Not necessarily the person you find the sexiest, but just the most "right". Your boy-girl legos click well. You might find someone else sexy, but you don't want to take them home and make babies.
This is not that. I think you may be unhappy in your current relationship, but are doing that thing where you don't want to be single so it's only okay to be unhappy if you have another prospect.
posted by corb at 12:01 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
A happily-married or happily-partnered crush goes like this "OH LOOK HE IS SO PRETTY I WANT TO SMELL HIS HAIR AND HEAR ABOUT ALL HIS THOUGHTS." *heartbeat* "BUT DEFINITELY NOT MARRY OR LIVE WITH HIM."
When you're happy in a serious long term relationship, that person seems like the most perfect person you could ever be married to or with. Not necessarily the person you find the sexiest, but just the most "right". Your boy-girl legos click well. You might find someone else sexy, but you don't want to take them home and make babies.
This is not that. I think you may be unhappy in your current relationship, but are doing that thing where you don't want to be single so it's only okay to be unhappy if you have another prospect.
posted by corb at 12:01 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I knew a couple that were together for a 2 years, loved each other, were happy, talked about marriage etc, but then the woman met another guy at work and was just floored by him. She told her boyfriend that she just had to see about this other guy, knowing she couldn't get married until she knew who was the right guy. Boyfriend was crushed but understanding.
Well, a year later and after a few months of dating the other guy, the woman realized that boyfriend #1 was the right guy for her all along. He took her back, and now they are married.
So, you know, thats a possibility.
YMMV.
posted by hellameangirl at 12:10 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well, a year later and after a few months of dating the other guy, the woman realized that boyfriend #1 was the right guy for her all along. He took her back, and now they are married.
So, you know, thats a possibility.
YMMV.
posted by hellameangirl at 12:10 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I felt nauseous and horrible about it, because I've never been concretely attracted to someone outside a relationship I've been in, ever. I've always been fiercely loyal to my partners, and couldn't possibly understand why other people couldn't just be happy with the person they were with.
Ok, but you're 26, right? And you've been with this guy for 3 years. This is probably the longest relationship you've been in, and it's definitely the longest real relationship you've been in, because dating someone for all four years of college is different from dating someone for four years in the real world.
What's happening to you is that you're experiencing something that almost everyone in long-term relationships experiences, but it's freaking you out because this is the first time you've been in a relationship that gets to the stage where this happens. My suggestion is to give yourself a break about this. Crushes happen, they happen all the time. But since you have this background assumption that they're a huge problem, you're actually feeding this crush more and more. Because if crushes shouldn't happen when you're in a relationship, and you're having one, it must mean that either this new guy is the most incredible guy ever or that your boyfriend is the worst. If you instead look at this as just a mood that will pass, you'll take away a lot of its power.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:42 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ok, but you're 26, right? And you've been with this guy for 3 years. This is probably the longest relationship you've been in, and it's definitely the longest real relationship you've been in, because dating someone for all four years of college is different from dating someone for four years in the real world.
What's happening to you is that you're experiencing something that almost everyone in long-term relationships experiences, but it's freaking you out because this is the first time you've been in a relationship that gets to the stage where this happens. My suggestion is to give yourself a break about this. Crushes happen, they happen all the time. But since you have this background assumption that they're a huge problem, you're actually feeding this crush more and more. Because if crushes shouldn't happen when you're in a relationship, and you're having one, it must mean that either this new guy is the most incredible guy ever or that your boyfriend is the worst. If you instead look at this as just a mood that will pass, you'll take away a lot of its power.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:42 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Have you talked to your current bf about the stuff you don't like? Can you talk to him? I am just wondering about the maturity of your love and relationship skills. There will always be differences. You should be able to discuss the differences with 100% honesty. It's easy to have fun, it takes work to be there for each other when outside forces strike, and it is really hard to talk about stuff between the two of you with full honesty. You could use this as a platform to discuss things that you feel are missing in the relationship, as people have indicated. Do you feel that he "just doesn't get" why your feminist left wing interests are important to you? Do you want more support and validation of your interests? Or maybe the intimacy just isn't there? What is missing emotionally? I'm willing to bet it is not a common-interest compatibility issue per se.
I also wanted to note that compatibility of common interests is not the same as emotional compatibility.
I also wanted to talk about commitment. The people that I've known who were "fiercely loyal" often had commitment issues behind it. They didn't feel committed, they didn't feel that natural bond to their partner, so they overcompensated for it. Or they were loyal to relationships that weren't worthy of loyalty. Of course sexy people will catch your eye. Honestly speaking, how bonded do you feel to your bf?
Btw it's not a good sign if you are rattled inside to the point of feeling nauseated when you first meet someone. IMO, it's pointing to some seriously deep button pushing. Not the foundation for a LTR. Not a sign of "the one." Just plain ol' button pushing. Excitement combined with fear. Aside from the common interests and values, what was it about this guy? There's more than interests, I suspect. Why were you interviewing him? Was he sexy-confident? What was it about his personality? Maybe you were just super excited because he validated all of the stuff you like.
Anyways you're 26, you still have time to jump around and check out different partners and learn about relationships.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:42 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also wanted to note that compatibility of common interests is not the same as emotional compatibility.
I also wanted to talk about commitment. The people that I've known who were "fiercely loyal" often had commitment issues behind it. They didn't feel committed, they didn't feel that natural bond to their partner, so they overcompensated for it. Or they were loyal to relationships that weren't worthy of loyalty. Of course sexy people will catch your eye. Honestly speaking, how bonded do you feel to your bf?
Btw it's not a good sign if you are rattled inside to the point of feeling nauseated when you first meet someone. IMO, it's pointing to some seriously deep button pushing. Not the foundation for a LTR. Not a sign of "the one." Just plain ol' button pushing. Excitement combined with fear. Aside from the common interests and values, what was it about this guy? There's more than interests, I suspect. Why were you interviewing him? Was he sexy-confident? What was it about his personality? Maybe you were just super excited because he validated all of the stuff you like.
Anyways you're 26, you still have time to jump around and check out different partners and learn about relationships.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:42 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've never been concretely attracted to someone outside a relationship I've been in, ever. I've always been fiercely loyal to my partners, and couldn't possibly understand why other people couldn't just be happy with the person they were with.
While 26 is time enough to have life and relationship experiences, it is not time enough to have all the life and relationship experiences. Just because you feel something you haven't felt before doesn't necessarily mean there's a fundamental flaw in you or your relationship. I agree with griphus that taking a good hard look at why you're having the reaction you're having would help you out a lot.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:59 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
While 26 is time enough to have life and relationship experiences, it is not time enough to have all the life and relationship experiences. Just because you feel something you haven't felt before doesn't necessarily mean there's a fundamental flaw in you or your relationship. I agree with griphus that taking a good hard look at why you're having the reaction you're having would help you out a lot.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:59 PM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I found out we had a lot in common. In fact, probably more than my current SO and I do.
Even if you had 100% of Things in Common (whatever that means), it doesn't mean that you will automatically be perfect partners forever. My wife and I have big differences in many areas, but we have been married for 15 years (as of tomorrow) and are about as happily married as you can possibly be. If you love someone, you love them because of your differences, not in spite of them.
Like many of the other commenters here, I am getting a strong vibe that you maybe don't want to be in your current relationship anymore and are using this extended crush as a subconscious excuse. Try and take a step back and look at and/or work on your current relationship absent any consideration of this other guy for a while.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:08 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Even if you had 100% of Things in Common (whatever that means), it doesn't mean that you will automatically be perfect partners forever. My wife and I have big differences in many areas, but we have been married for 15 years (as of tomorrow) and are about as happily married as you can possibly be. If you love someone, you love them because of your differences, not in spite of them.
Like many of the other commenters here, I am getting a strong vibe that you maybe don't want to be in your current relationship anymore and are using this extended crush as a subconscious excuse. Try and take a step back and look at and/or work on your current relationship absent any consideration of this other guy for a while.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:08 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Someone in another AskMe thread recommended the book Took Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, which is designed for people who have doubts about relationships they have been agonizing over. I found it very helpful.
(You can read the first chapter or two over at the Amazon preview.)
posted by ropeladder at 1:33 PM on August 14, 2013
(You can read the first chapter or two over at the Amazon preview.)
posted by ropeladder at 1:33 PM on August 14, 2013
While overall compatibility in a relationship is important, another factor that contributes to whether things should/will continue is commitment. If either party does not have both feet in the relationship for whatever reason, it probably doesn't have a great chance of going the distance. From what you wrote, I don't think you're "all in" at this point, regardless of the new guy.
posted by kribensa at 1:41 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kribensa at 1:41 PM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I have serious crushes, it's always a sign that it's time to get out of my current relationship. This is not necessarily the case here, but it's something I have also observed in friends at various times. In the interest of full disclosure of what an idiot I am, I tend, most often, to end up dating the objects of those crushes. Or at least continuing to pine over them for some time. This is not necessarily advisable.
But yes, you sound bored. You sound like you think you're settling. And if you think you are, you are. I did that once. He was a wonderful and lovely person. Still is. Six years later we're getting a divorce, after I lost a couple of years of my life in stagnation and depression.
Everyone else has already said it: don't leave for anything but you, think hard about what you see for the future, and the present, of your relationship. But, as much as crushes can be a normal part of a relationship (they can), pining for a year over someone you never even see strikes me as a bad sign.
posted by Because at 9:37 PM on August 14, 2013
But yes, you sound bored. You sound like you think you're settling. And if you think you are, you are. I did that once. He was a wonderful and lovely person. Still is. Six years later we're getting a divorce, after I lost a couple of years of my life in stagnation and depression.
Everyone else has already said it: don't leave for anything but you, think hard about what you see for the future, and the present, of your relationship. But, as much as crushes can be a normal part of a relationship (they can), pining for a year over someone you never even see strikes me as a bad sign.
posted by Because at 9:37 PM on August 14, 2013
If you are prone to flights of fancy like I am, the only way that has worked for me has been to tackle it head-on and get additional direct information.
Throughout my life, there have been several times when I was attracted to someone slightly distant, and every brief interaction made me more attracted. Because we only had short interactions, I was able to build it up in my head into fantasy. In all of those cases, once I finally had 8-10 hours of conversations with them as friends, the fantasy died. In two cases, what I thought was cool aloofness was actually social anxiety brought on by overbearing parents. In a third case, the person struggled with psychotic breaks from reality. Hearing their frustration and helplessness changed my perception. Now I saw them as injured baby-birds rather than unattainable delights.
It took several times of going through this before my brain learned to stop jumping into fantasy. Since this is your first time, there might not be a way to get through it without getting to know your crush. But this may very well destroy your relationship.
posted by cheesecake at 8:03 AM on August 15, 2013
Throughout my life, there have been several times when I was attracted to someone slightly distant, and every brief interaction made me more attracted. Because we only had short interactions, I was able to build it up in my head into fantasy. In all of those cases, once I finally had 8-10 hours of conversations with them as friends, the fantasy died. In two cases, what I thought was cool aloofness was actually social anxiety brought on by overbearing parents. In a third case, the person struggled with psychotic breaks from reality. Hearing their frustration and helplessness changed my perception. Now I saw them as injured baby-birds rather than unattainable delights.
It took several times of going through this before my brain learned to stop jumping into fantasy. Since this is your first time, there might not be a way to get through it without getting to know your crush. But this may very well destroy your relationship.
posted by cheesecake at 8:03 AM on August 15, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're not married. You can take the gamble at a different relationship that could satisfy you in different ways than the one you have, or you could stay with the one you're in. There's no right or wrong here, just don't cheat and don't beat yourself up for having regular feelings.
posted by windykites at 10:30 AM on August 14, 2013 [16 favorites]