Social anxiety with strangers?
August 14, 2013 2:28 AM Subscribe
I seem to be developing social anxiety as I get older. What can I do about it?
My anxiety seems to mostly be geared towards strangers -- doctors, classmates I don't know, etc. It also seems to manifest in mostly physical ways, as in, I don't actually FEEL nervous about talking to or interacting with these people, but I often get shortness of breath, panicky feelings, and have a quavering voice.
One example: I teach college and have done for many, many years. This new semester, I found myself short of breath while introducing myself and the material on the first day. I am totally confident in what I have to say, I've taught scores of classes over the past ten+ years, but for some reason, this anxiety came up this time.
Another example: I saw new doctor for the first time last week. My husband went with me. Afterwards he commented (he's pretty sensitive to my anxiety) that I was nervous. I thought about it and I really wasn't FEELING nervous, but he pointed out that my voice changed, I seemed meek and basically lost all my confidence. He said I didn't make eye contact with the doctor and that I was wringing my hands. I didn't FEEL nervous at all, nor did I notice those behaviors, but obviously they are happening.
Times when I do feel anxious or nervous: on the phone, especially with people who have accents (I've convinced myself I don't hear well and so I worry that I'll be misunderstood or misunderstand others), and when I feel I'm in charge of things that I have no business being in charge of (not teaching, but sometimes when I discuss my academic work, I have huge anxiety).
Right now, assume medications and therapy aren't possible (various reasons). I don't drink, I don't take any drugs. I don't avoid social situations because of anxiety (except for talking on the phone). I just want to get this under control.
tl;dr: What can I do to manage my physical anxiety when I'm sometimes not even aware of it? What can I do to manage my physical anxiety when I am aware of it?
My anxiety seems to mostly be geared towards strangers -- doctors, classmates I don't know, etc. It also seems to manifest in mostly physical ways, as in, I don't actually FEEL nervous about talking to or interacting with these people, but I often get shortness of breath, panicky feelings, and have a quavering voice.
One example: I teach college and have done for many, many years. This new semester, I found myself short of breath while introducing myself and the material on the first day. I am totally confident in what I have to say, I've taught scores of classes over the past ten+ years, but for some reason, this anxiety came up this time.
Another example: I saw new doctor for the first time last week. My husband went with me. Afterwards he commented (he's pretty sensitive to my anxiety) that I was nervous. I thought about it and I really wasn't FEELING nervous, but he pointed out that my voice changed, I seemed meek and basically lost all my confidence. He said I didn't make eye contact with the doctor and that I was wringing my hands. I didn't FEEL nervous at all, nor did I notice those behaviors, but obviously they are happening.
Times when I do feel anxious or nervous: on the phone, especially with people who have accents (I've convinced myself I don't hear well and so I worry that I'll be misunderstood or misunderstand others), and when I feel I'm in charge of things that I have no business being in charge of (not teaching, but sometimes when I discuss my academic work, I have huge anxiety).
Right now, assume medications and therapy aren't possible (various reasons). I don't drink, I don't take any drugs. I don't avoid social situations because of anxiety (except for talking on the phone). I just want to get this under control.
tl;dr: What can I do to manage my physical anxiety when I'm sometimes not even aware of it? What can I do to manage my physical anxiety when I am aware of it?
Respectfully, those behaviors are you feeling nervous.
Mindfulness practices can help you be more cognizant of your physical reactions. Noticing and acknowledging is a good first step. From there you might notice triggers or common circumstances—maybe those physical reactions happen most often when you're also tired, or hungry?
And of course, you might start to recognize subtle thought patterns that undermine your confidence. Stereotypes that you have about yourself or others; stories you tell that aren't necessarily the only way to interpret the situation, but are just your defaults.
I really like Gil Fronsdal's podcasts. He's a Buddhist teacher, but only some of the talks are really about specific Buddhist teaching. Many are pretty "secular."
posted by JoeGermuska at 4:50 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mindfulness practices can help you be more cognizant of your physical reactions. Noticing and acknowledging is a good first step. From there you might notice triggers or common circumstances—maybe those physical reactions happen most often when you're also tired, or hungry?
And of course, you might start to recognize subtle thought patterns that undermine your confidence. Stereotypes that you have about yourself or others; stories you tell that aren't necessarily the only way to interpret the situation, but are just your defaults.
I really like Gil Fronsdal's podcasts. He's a Buddhist teacher, but only some of the talks are really about specific Buddhist teaching. Many are pretty "secular."
posted by JoeGermuska at 4:50 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would say, slow down. You are probably losing your breath while you talk because you are talking too fast, because you are thinking too fast. Slow down, and don't think ahead so much. Focus on what you are saying, and then give yourself a little time to think of the next thing you're going to say. Don't worry about boring your students. We've all had boring classes, and it didn't kill us! (Actually, unless the teacher was so boring we literally could not stay awake, we tend to forget all the boring teachers. So, at worst you're risking being forgotten!)
Has something changed in your life? Is there some scary problem you're not dealing with, or some sort of past trauma that's catching up with you? Do these freakout situations all have something in common? It seems like there's got to be some reason why you're suddenly freaking out in social situations, and some introspection is called for. This kind of stuff is just what therapists are for, and I hope you'll reconsider talking to one. If it's a money issue, you can probably find somebody who uses a sliding scale. Whatever your reason is for not going, it's probably not reason enough.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:02 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Has something changed in your life? Is there some scary problem you're not dealing with, or some sort of past trauma that's catching up with you? Do these freakout situations all have something in common? It seems like there's got to be some reason why you're suddenly freaking out in social situations, and some introspection is called for. This kind of stuff is just what therapists are for, and I hope you'll reconsider talking to one. If it's a money issue, you can probably find somebody who uses a sliding scale. Whatever your reason is for not going, it's probably not reason enough.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:02 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I seem to be developing social anxiety as I get older.
I really wasn't FEELING nervous, but he pointed out that my voice changed, I seemed meek and basically lost all my confidence.
I suspect the anxiety was present all your life and the change is that you are becoming aware of it now that you're older. Your wish to get rid of it seems to me like it embarrasses you--your visible anxiety makes you more anxious. Your deeper fears are around feeling respected, taken seriously, understood, not criticized.
You say therapy is out of the question but the interpersonal nature of your fears means you should work on them with another person.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:43 AM on August 14, 2013
I really wasn't FEELING nervous, but he pointed out that my voice changed, I seemed meek and basically lost all my confidence.
I suspect the anxiety was present all your life and the change is that you are becoming aware of it now that you're older. Your wish to get rid of it seems to me like it embarrasses you--your visible anxiety makes you more anxious. Your deeper fears are around feeling respected, taken seriously, understood, not criticized.
You say therapy is out of the question but the interpersonal nature of your fears means you should work on them with another person.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:43 AM on August 14, 2013
Good advice above. I'll add the suggestion you embrace this interesting and beautiful phenomenon in your life; this new experience with anxiety.
Sometimes you wouldn't notice the anxiety except for the physical manifestation. You want to put an end to even "appearing" anxious-- I get it. But, what helps me when I'm hooked on a new behavior or mental quirk (!) is to accept it and shrug it off as No Big Deal. Part of life. We all go through phases, my new phase is nothing groundbreaking or terribly interesting, I'm just apparently __anxious__ for no good reason lately. How random. How cool. It probably ties into something, a therapist could help me uncover it...
But, taking away the importance of the new "thing," for me, tends to make the thing fade away.
Sorry if my response is too minimizing. It's just a thought. Accepting and removing power from stuff that surfaces in my life has been helpful. The more troublesome issues obviously require a different approach.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:52 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Sometimes you wouldn't notice the anxiety except for the physical manifestation. You want to put an end to even "appearing" anxious-- I get it. But, what helps me when I'm hooked on a new behavior or mental quirk (!) is to accept it and shrug it off as No Big Deal. Part of life. We all go through phases, my new phase is nothing groundbreaking or terribly interesting, I'm just apparently __anxious__ for no good reason lately. How random. How cool. It probably ties into something, a therapist could help me uncover it...
But, taking away the importance of the new "thing," for me, tends to make the thing fade away.
Sorry if my response is too minimizing. It's just a thought. Accepting and removing power from stuff that surfaces in my life has been helpful. The more troublesome issues obviously require a different approach.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:52 AM on August 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
If it is really a sudden change, see a doctor. Sudden changes in personality can be a symptom of other problems within the brain. Ask someone who's known you over a long time if its a drastic change.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:10 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:10 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Could you have a physical problem that is causing you anxiety?
Pernicious anemia (failure to absorb B12); iron deficiency; and hormone changes before/during menopause can all manifest as anxiety.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:58 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Pernicious anemia (failure to absorb B12); iron deficiency; and hormone changes before/during menopause can all manifest as anxiety.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:58 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is it possible you have some other source of stress in your life that is manifesting itself in the situations you described? I've had situations where I was overly self-conscious and I to the extent I could figure out the cause, it seemed to be associated with a generally higher level of stress due to unrelated matters.
posted by Dansaman at 8:24 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Dansaman at 8:24 AM on August 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know it's been over-recommended here and I'm certainly one of the known proponents, but this is exactly the kind of thing that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is intended to treat.
CBT done properly is a limited run of sessions with a qualified psychotherapist or psychologist with a specific goal in mind, giving you a tool kit to a) recognize the non-ideal situation as (or before) it occurs and b) resolve it in a positive, proactive, productive manner.
They can help you identify where you might have stress spikes that have tucked themselves away from your conscious view, how your anxiety is actually being triggered, why you've not able to perceive it before others have pointed out the physiological response, and what to do about all of this.
Finding a CBT-qualified professional can take some digging, but if you have insurance and get a provider list, you can easily check names online and then call the most likely looking candidates to ask about CBT, their qualifications, and how they administer it. Again, it's really important that they understand the part about having an end goal in mind that doesn't take years. While you may choose further therapy beyond this goal that could take longer, it should be based on needs identification after getting this current issue addressed.
posted by batmonkey at 8:46 AM on August 14, 2013
CBT done properly is a limited run of sessions with a qualified psychotherapist or psychologist with a specific goal in mind, giving you a tool kit to a) recognize the non-ideal situation as (or before) it occurs and b) resolve it in a positive, proactive, productive manner.
They can help you identify where you might have stress spikes that have tucked themselves away from your conscious view, how your anxiety is actually being triggered, why you've not able to perceive it before others have pointed out the physiological response, and what to do about all of this.
Finding a CBT-qualified professional can take some digging, but if you have insurance and get a provider list, you can easily check names online and then call the most likely looking candidates to ask about CBT, their qualifications, and how they administer it. Again, it's really important that they understand the part about having an end goal in mind that doesn't take years. While you may choose further therapy beyond this goal that could take longer, it should be based on needs identification after getting this current issue addressed.
posted by batmonkey at 8:46 AM on August 14, 2013
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posted by TheCavorter at 4:02 AM on August 14, 2013