Goal: No more terrorizing myself.
August 11, 2013 1:59 PM   Subscribe

Advice me, Metafilter, on how to get over this totally irrational fear I have of being single forever.

Back in February, I had a really sucky breakup. My ex was one of my most favorite person to spend time with in the history of people I have spent time with. He was also an um-empathetic, esteem-undermining jerk, and combining our personal neuroses was like baking soda and vinegar. Since the breakup, I've been doing a lot of work on me: therapy, meditation, yoga, understanding how my own fears can lead me to undertake less-than-optimal behavior. But there is one fear I cannot shake: I am going to wind up alone, forever.

On the face of it, this makes no sense. My shrink says, "I think the bigger problem will be picking the right person for you, not lack of options." My friends think I am nuts. Over the last 15 years, I have been single for maybe 3 of them, about a year at a time. Most of my exes are decent dudes, who maybe did assy things when we were breaking up, but that is not unexpected. I have decent relationship skills, I can see where I messed up in other places, I'm cute, I'm smart, you know, no red flags to freak anyone out. And yet.

The standard advice is to just be happy being single, and I am — sorta. I have friends. I take classes. I'm kinda a big deal at work and I work hard at it. I can look at who I am today and be like, "Holy crap, I am so much more awesome than I ever thought I was going to be." And I genuinely enjoy these things.

But I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to share good things with. I miss feeling like I am building a life and an intimacy with someone. And that's not something there is a replacement for. Frankly, my family kinda sucks in the whole understanding & support department, so there isn't much of a halfway sense of belonging to a team to substitute in either. Plus, honestly, I don't want a substitute and I think that is okay. There are things about being part of a team that are awesome, and I miss them, and I want them again someday.

It certainly seems like I should be able to have them. I've gone on a few dates, though no one was really right for me. I met someone who was possibly-right and there was chemistry but also bad timing. But you know, false starts aren't radio silence.

And if a magic elephant could show up today and promise me that on this date in 2015, I would meet the guy of my dreams and we would ride off into the sunset together, that would be *fine*. If I met the right person *today*, I think I would actually be sad that this time of self-exploration ended. So it should all be okay right?

But, no, there is this deep fear of "that was the last stop; you sure are fucked" that I just can't shake. So far, I've just kept on going on, ignoring the tiny river of terror inside, but it is getting really tiresome. Halp?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
So this only works for me when I know I'm being silly, not when I have genuine strong fear about something. But sometimes it can help to imagine the worst case scenario and then take it ALL THE WAY. Like make it worse and worse and imagine it in every detail. Like you give a presentation at work that is so horrible that your boss stands up and says, "Just looking at you makes me want to vomit" and then goes into the corner and does so. Eventually, you start laughing.
posted by cairdeas at 2:15 PM on August 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


Find someone who you can look to as a MODEL! Is there someone else who held out and found the right person? Is there someone else who stayed single, happily?
posted by antipode12 at 2:47 PM on August 11, 2013


I think the only way to get over this fear is to actually embrace being single forever. Plan for it. Visualize it. Come to terms with it as a certainty or a life goal. Single people can do all sorts of things together people can't. Do those things. Enjoy them. Create a self identity that is built on being single.

Accept it, and you'll no longer fear it. You'll probably also end up unsingle around the same time that happens. These things have a funny way of happening like that.
posted by hamandcheese at 2:59 PM on August 11, 2013 [15 favorites]


I think the only way to get over this fear is to actually embrace being single forever. Plan for it. Visualize it. Come to terms with it as a certainty or a life goal. Single people can do all sorts of things together people can't. Do those things. Enjoy them. Create a self identity that is built on being single.

I totally agree with this.

You'll probably also end up unsingle around the same time that happens. These things have a funny way of happening like that.

However, this might not happen. You might really end up single forever. That has to really be ok, not something you're ok with temporarily so that you're secure enough in yourself to be ready for the next thing. Being secure enough in yourself has to be the end goal.
posted by sweetkid at 3:03 PM on August 11, 2013 [14 favorites]


Maybe you need to strengthen your human support system in general.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:07 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


My shrink says, "I think the bigger problem will be picking the right person for you, not lack of options."

i take it your therapist is not psychodynamic i.e. providing insight and looking at your childhood to see what the roots of this fear are.

Over the last 15 years, I have been single for maybe 3 of them, about a year at a time.

IANAT. yeah, i would guess there is something going on here for you because that does not seem like much singleness over such a long period of time. you might want to read up on attachment styles which are formed in childhood and very much affect how we relate to others as adults. i tend to think once we've dealt with the childhood crap then we can move on to having healthy adult relationships. here are a couple brief articles about attachment styles. there are all sorts of books on it too.

what is your attachment style?
how your attachment style impacts your relationship
posted by wildflower at 3:11 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


As for you missing someone to come home to, share good things with, or build a life and intimacy with, how close are you with your friends? When I've gone through relationship problems with a significant other, I was able to get through them much more easily when I made a greater effort than usual to stay/become close with my other friends. Having someone you can rely on and trust (and vice versa) is important and I know that I've sometimes overlooked my friends as a resource in times of trouble.

I'm not saying that you need to constantly talk about your worries with your friends--even sharing in small joys with a close friend can improve your day immeasurably. Doing something as simple as getting coffee or lunch with a friend (or almost anything, really) can brighten your day and your life in general.
posted by jdgreen at 3:12 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I can empathize with this.

I like this quote: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Similarly, when we are not ready for a relationship, we radiate this out in a thousand small ways. Subconsciously we do things that cause our relationships to fizzle. When we become truly ready, a relationship happens pretty naturally.

Last year I went through a period of six months where I had basically zero romantic prospects. I didn't get asked out. I didn't kiss anyone for six months. Then something inside me changed. Even though I was going to the same events, meeting a similar set of people, I started getting asked out by 1 or 2 attractive people every week. My mental shift caused me to give out a different energy, and others could sense that. I got into a relationship pretty soon afterwards.

I don't think you need to be happy being single. I was not happy during my single phase. One of my priorities is to be in a fulfilling relationship, so how can I be fully satisfied being single? That's like asking an ambitious person to be fully satisfied while unemployed.

To expand on the analogy however, that ambitious job-seeker needs to figure out what type of job they want. If they want nimble fast-paced companies, then working for one huge corporation after another is going to lead to continual job-hopping. They also need to fix destructive behaviors that have consistently caused problems in previous jobs.

In my case, I came to the realization during my single phase that I kept dating proud macho types when I actually want a nurturing egoless partner. It took time to internalize that the charismatic hunk was impressive on paper, but didn't really make me fulfilled deep down. I actually want a sweet goofball who will cook dinner for me and cheer me on every day. I also worked hard on some distancing self-defense mechanisms that I have. I'm still working on those.

Just like the job-seeker will eventually find the dream job if they keep honing their skills and figuring out what type of company they want, you will eventually find your dream relationship if you do the same.
posted by cheesecake at 3:15 PM on August 11, 2013 [14 favorites]


When I have a bothersome, irrational fear of something, I like to hack the fear. By hacking it, I mean taking it apart. Figuring it out.

Your fear is that you will never be in a relationship again. If that were true, what would that mean about you? What would that confirm about who (think) you are?

Figure out what's going on underneath your fear and deal with it.
posted by Locochona at 3:59 PM on August 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


What wildflower said. That lack of singledom jumped out at me, too.

It's not always true that being bad at being single makes relationships more difficult - you might find someone to be "the one" by accident - but being bad at being single makes you very likely to jump into not-good-enough relationships during which you will not be available for a better relationship.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:08 PM on August 11, 2013


I think the job seeking analogy is so apt.

You might be unemployed forever... pretty unlikely. Or (more likely horrible scenario) your life might juuuust be unlucky enough that you have to switch jobs every 2-5 years until retirement and never get anything long term stable. One company goes out of business, another has layoffs, one has a crazy boss that you have to leave, then you find something good and get a physical disability and can't perform the task, and so on. One job ends after another with long periods of unemployment now and then, with heartbreak at each ending. For a lifetime. You might be juuuust unlucky enough that the stars align in a bad way and this is what life delivers.

Sheesh.

Is it worth worrying about? In the job analogy, the ONLY thing you can do is your best job at finding a job, and keeping it. You have to step back and understand what you can actually control, and what you can't. Same in dating and jobs. You can use all the resources you have, your best knowledge at a given time, your capabilities. Ruminating on the worst-case vs. best-case scenario doesn't change your actions at any given time. All you can do is your best at any given time. You can help with those terrorizing thoughts by focusing on the process. What can you actually do? Focus on resume writing. Focus on getting outside advice. Focus on mentorship. Focus on doing better this time than last time, and fixing the mistakes you know about. Focus on getting help to figure those out. But all you can do is... all you can do.

When you're feeling terror, you can remind yourself that all you can do is your best at any given time. Sometimes life gives you lemons. Look at this woman who had a lot of random challenges. The list is mind boggling, and it's just what life randomly delivered for her. It happens. Her articles and blog posts have some great wisdom about keeping a useful perspective through all that.

Lastly, I've felt kind of this way in dating, and here is a thought that helped. I was in a relationship and I wanted it to work so badly. I thought that there was some way to make it work. There must have been. I wanted it to work, and there was a lot of good there, so if I could just find the right fix or the right thing to say. What I ended up picturing, around that time, was that I had been given poison and the antidote DID exist. However, I was staring at a gigantically long hallway with bottles lined up in shelves all along the walls. Thousands of bottles, and the antidote could be anywhere. The fact that there might be an antidote -- a right thing to do, a right action to take, a solution -- is useless if you're limited in your ability to find it.

You can't predict the future, you can't read minds, you can't know everything about a person, you can't understand what the dating market will look like in 2 years, you can't know someone well enough to know exactly, with certainty, what they want from you and will enjoy... etc. You can't ever predict exactly what a relationship will bring. You can't ever know exactly how to act.

Basically, recognize that the uncertainty that is plaguing you is just a fact of the situation (and, um, life). All you can do is your best.
posted by htid at 4:10 PM on August 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


So far, I've just kept on going on, ignoring the tiny river of terror inside, but it is getting really tiresome. Halp?

Here's a thing I think might help, for some reason. Imagine yourself talking to someone who is much older than you and single. If you don't know anyone IRL, make someone up. Now imagine you're having a conversation with them and you tell them that your greatest fear is not someone detonating a dirty bomb in the subway, or being maimed in an accident and completely incapacitated, or losing all your money and having to live in the street in a box, but having their life. If your imaginary person is offended, think why that might be. Or if they laugh and say it's not that bad, think what reasons they might give. Maybe picturing that exchange will help you see being single as a thing that happens to some people, a thing that has its downsides and sad parts like anything else, but a real-life circumstance instead of a terror-inspiring fate you're too scared to really think through.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 4:14 PM on August 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


My ex was one of my most favorite person to spend time with in the history of people I have spent time with.

But I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to share good things with. I miss feeling like I am building a life and an intimacy with someone. And that's not something there is a replacement for. Frankly, my family kinda sucks in the whole understanding & support department, so there isn't much of a halfway sense of belonging to a team to substitute in either.

I feel like the problem is that you are investing too much into a significant other. If you view his role as being your favorite most interesting person with whom you share everything with and get most of your understanding and support, well, no wonder the idea of not finding that person seems scary.

You can't build a life with a friend the way you can with a spouse, but you can certainly build intimacy. You can find support and understanding. You can share good things with them. I have a million favorite people in my life, and that feels great.

I agree with those upthread who say you should work on building your support network and intimacy with other people in general.
posted by unannihilated at 4:41 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm really curious why a "un-empathetic, esteem-undermining jerk" was "one of [your] favorite person[s] to spend time with". That doesn't sound like much fun at all.
posted by Unangenehm at 5:02 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've been in similar situations, and I've reconciled with the fact that at least in my case, when I feel this way, I am inconsolable. That's a pretty dramatic word but I use its precise meaning - this whole conversation where I discriminate and evaluate and project my life into the future leads nowhere I haven't been a thousand times before, staying up late, losing sleep. Consolation comes only through exhaustion or distraction. Right now I'm re watching star trek ds9 for example.

A lot of the advice and especially perspective here is really good, but sometimes I like to remind myself how distinct this whole conversation is from its subject. That warm felicity that I think most people want (maybe you too), that feeling of sharing and mutual growth, of casual dependable intimacy, giving flavor and dimension to ordinary moments, isn't something that your mind can maneuver itself to. It's hard not to start thinking about, of course - you get to a certain age and it seems like everyone you know is experiencing a part of life which seems off limits to you - and so these thoughts begin and the conversation goes on from there. Is it me? Is it that? Is it this? Is it an it?

But when does it stop? I have to force myself to remember that the objects of this discussion are feelings, and cannot be evaluated, balanced, taxonomized. They aren't like legos, they're like music. So, right now, when it bothers me being alone, I try to feel how single is - and it isn't so bad. It's a broad cloudless horizon, why shouldn't it go on forever? And pretty soon after feeling it going on and on forever, I find myself moving on and on.

Having said all that you can see why I would be reticent to give advice (other reasons: being generally dumb on this subject, other people here being way better). I just hope your life's momentum sweeps you up and keeps you moving when you feel bad.
posted by Teakettle at 5:25 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Be comfortable with yourself first.
Andrea Dorfman offers sage advice.
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 5:48 PM on August 11, 2013


Why are you defending your exes? Yeah, they're not serial killers, but they weren't right for you either. You seem to remember them in a way too rosey way. Use this time to figure out what's wrong with your partner-selector or else you'll just end up single again.

"If you can't make yourself happy, what makes you think you make anyone else happy." (Brutal, but true)

Also, get a pet.
posted by Neekee at 8:48 PM on August 11, 2013


The thing is, there's no real point in worrying about the future because you really don't know what's going to happen. I'm in my thirties now, and the last decade I've had one friend lose her husband to lymphoma, another become paralyzed by a brain tumor, several get divorced, and one get breast cancer, and one is really struggling with infertility, and there were some pretty horrific stillbirths too. No one planned for that horrible shit to happen. It just did. So even if you meet mister perfect tomorrow, it won't insulate you from pain or sadness or loneliness.
Do what you can: (1) Be the best version of you; (2) date a lot. The rest is not up to you, so fuggedaboutit!
posted by bananafish at 11:24 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was chronically single for many many years. I SO know what you're talking about and how you're feeling. My suggestions:L

1. Getting a pet (I got a cat) does a huge amount to solve the "someone to come home to" thing. It sounds trite, but really. There is a reason why this is a very common suggestion.
2. Your therapist was right, it isn't for lack of options. The issue is finding the RIGHT one, not ANY one. It took me a long time to understand this and really accept it. For some reason it gave me comfort. Maybe it was because I figured "Yeah, okay, if I massively lowered my standards I could find someone pretty easily", and that took the hopelessness out of it. The issue wasn't that I COULDN'T find someone, just that I was choosing carefully.
3. It sounds like you're doing a lot of good stuff for yourself (meditation, yoga, therapy, etc). Keep doing that.
4. I started to feel less doomed to be alone when I started focusing more energy on just doing things that *I* liked without any consideration for how they would make me seem to a potential partner. For example, I started making quilts and actually taking the time to hand quilt them. It was something that wasn't about dating (no man sits down and thinks "Gee, my dream woman would make quilts in her spare time"). Making the quilts was 100% for me, something I liked, something that made me feel accomplished.
5. On a similar theme as #4, I found being single gave me a LOT of free time, and for a long time it felt that all that free time was wasted and useless. It was time I "should" be spending with a partner, or that was how I felt. Having a hobby where I could see what I accomplished in that time was great. I could see the quilts I made. I also started going to the gym and working out, and seeing my body change and feeling healthier was fantastic too. I also created a book club. I had ways to mark time passing, and I had things to show for it (quilts made, books read, physical changes in my body). My time to myself when I was single wasn't wasted time anymore.
6. My happiness and contentment shot through the roof when I stopped living a life that I thought would make me appear more attractive to other people and instead started living a life that I liked and that I would find attractive in a mate. I did things that I found enjoyable and interesting. I accepted my nerdiness and did all the dork stuff I always enjoyed but sort of avoided because I didn't think it would help in my quest for dates. I stopped dumbing myself down and faking interest in things I didn't actually care about, and instead let my intelligence come through without worry men would find it intimidating. I basically just let me be myself, without censorship or restraint. My GOD it was liberating. Living for ME instead of some hypothetical partner I might meet eventually was absolutely wonderful and so different from how I had been. I can't recommend it enough.
7. Logically and rationally you know that you almost definitely will meet someone. Logic won't get you all the way, though, which is what you're finding. You need to address and account for your worst case scenario fears (ie. being alone forever) and preparing for it. If you're going to be single forever, then make damned sure your single life rocks ass. (see #6) The point isn't to give up, but rather to take the intense fear out of being alone. Craft a single life that is active and social and fulfilling and happy, so that the prospect of having THAT be your life indefinitely isn't so scary.
8. Seriously, get a cat.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:50 AM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


I totally know where you're coming from. I was there. But I decided that even if I was always meant to be single, that I'd enjoy ever day of it. Sometimes I'd feel lonely, but then I'd run my favorite weepy movies and give into a bit of a pity party. Then I'd be done with it.

I had great friends, a fun job and there were tons of books I wanted to read, so I never lacked for things to do.

All I can say is tell yourself that you ARE going to be single for your life. If that's the case, how does that look to you? To me it meant that I'd have tons of other peoples kids in my life. So I am Tia, or Aunty to a bazillion little monsters out there. I bought a condo and did a reno. I got my MBA. I went to the gym. I traveled.

I did everything I could think of to have a great life as a single person.

When I was 38, I met Husbunny. We became friends, then dated, then we got married.

It was a pleasant surprise. Having a partner should be icing on your incredibly delicious and moist cake. Not the glue that hold the dry crumbs together.

All I can say is our relationship is built on each of us doing exactly what we want to do, and cleaning out the cat box.

And seriously, get a cat or two.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:17 AM on August 12, 2013


Having a partner should be icing on your incredibly delicious and moist cake. Not the glue that hold the dry crumbs together.

repeated for truth.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:45 AM on August 12, 2013


Get in a relationship with someone kind and stable but who just kinda doesn't give you what you need. Someone boring. After six months you will realize that it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Seriously.

Look, you guys broke up six months ago.... you're feeling better but still smarting. You're starting to date but not really. You're probably not really ready to connect because you're still healing. So this "alone forever" stuff is kinda premature right now.

Don't busy yourself with activity. Learn to be by yourself.

(Be honest: You'll know when it's self-avoidance "busy" vs. sincere interest busy.)

If you're still rejecting the "learn to be ok with the idea of single forever" then you still haven't made peace with making yourself happy. You're still looking outside yourself for satisfaction. Personally, I fought it for many years. The fear of being alone forever was such a torment. I had my breakthrough moment when I realized emotionally that I still wasn't mature enough yet, that I didn't know myself that well and that I had to learn to draw from the confidence and strength from within. That I needed to identify what I felt, what I wanted, and how to communicate it effectively. These are skills that are absolutely essential for a proper, adult, healthy relationship btw.

(And coincidentally after that break through, guys started coming out of NOWHERE until I was juggling guys and then my sweetie showed up. YMMV)

So that's all I can say to you - take an honest assessment. If you can't do that, then look at WHAT YOU DO not WHAT YOU SAY. That makes it pretty damn clear where your head is at.

PS. Cats are awesome.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:48 AM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


But there is one fear I cannot shake: I am going to wind up alone, forever.

On the face of it, this makes no sense. My shrink says, "I think the bigger problem will be picking the right person for you, not lack of options."


Well, lets assume what the shrink says is true, that there will be options but a problem with picking the right person for you.

Maybe there won't be a right person for you out of however many options present themselves. Then your problem is choosing between winding up alone forever or picking an unsuitable option.

If your greatest fear was being alone forever, you could avoid that by picking an unsuitable option. Maybe your fear is more about becoming the sort of person who would make that choice.

Also, if you like the feeling of being on a team, find a group of people doing something that interests you and join them.
posted by yohko at 3:13 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


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