How to curb career-related jealousy in a relationship?
August 2, 2013 5:20 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend (of 8 months) and I work in the same industry, but have different aspirations and skillsets. We more or less started "on the same level," but he's shooting quickly up the ladder since getting a promotion and I'm stuck in an awful rut at my current company. How do I cope with this?
I'm often his "plus one" to industry events and feel like the uninteresting one in the pair whenever we try to network. He's on track to get another raise soon, and he's expecting it to be big. I'm happy for him - he works hard and is the most optimistic person I know - but I can't help but feel jealous and depressed in my own unenviable position.
I guess there's a part of me that fears he'll leave me once he becomes too successful. He says he loves me, and is a very kind, attentive, and supportive guy in basically every respect, but it's all happening very fast. I know I need to focus on myself and perhaps let his success inspire me to be better. But instead I feel like a defeated and lost little girl.
I am dealing with codependency and self-esteem issues I've had since childhood, which I'm guessing plays a big part in this. I know I also have a hard time tearing away from him to give myself space to work on my own projects, which is contributing to the issue - It's almost like I've forgotten how to be alone. We've tried working together, with him encouraging me, and it helps sometimes - but not always.
Have any other couples here dealt with this, and can maybe offer some solutions? At least on how to find time and space to work together, and how to dissolve issues of jealousy when you both work in the same field? We're both in our mid-twenties and live in a big city (I'm female, he's male) if that helps. Thanks for any input.
I'm often his "plus one" to industry events and feel like the uninteresting one in the pair whenever we try to network. He's on track to get another raise soon, and he's expecting it to be big. I'm happy for him - he works hard and is the most optimistic person I know - but I can't help but feel jealous and depressed in my own unenviable position.
I guess there's a part of me that fears he'll leave me once he becomes too successful. He says he loves me, and is a very kind, attentive, and supportive guy in basically every respect, but it's all happening very fast. I know I need to focus on myself and perhaps let his success inspire me to be better. But instead I feel like a defeated and lost little girl.
I am dealing with codependency and self-esteem issues I've had since childhood, which I'm guessing plays a big part in this. I know I also have a hard time tearing away from him to give myself space to work on my own projects, which is contributing to the issue - It's almost like I've forgotten how to be alone. We've tried working together, with him encouraging me, and it helps sometimes - but not always.
Have any other couples here dealt with this, and can maybe offer some solutions? At least on how to find time and space to work together, and how to dissolve issues of jealousy when you both work in the same field? We're both in our mid-twenties and live in a big city (I'm female, he's male) if that helps. Thanks for any input.
His love is not contingent on your success. If you don't learn how to internalize this, you're going to be very unhappy. You being successful at your career doesn't mean he will love you. There are lots of people who are successful that he doesn't love. You being you...that's why he loves you.
I think women born in the 80s and early-to-mid 90s got the message that they had to be traditionally masculine to be worth anything to the patriarchy. Our mothers had to fight so hard for their careers that they instilled that same sense of desperation into us. It's ok if you aren't super successful. You're worth so much apart from career 'success' (and what is that, anyways? lots of money and people depending on you? stress?). Of course, it's fine to want to be successful and to achieve that traditional patriarchal success--but you don't have to. This is all about you fighting with yourself. Let it go. You aren't boring, you aren't less successful, you aren't going to lose his love just because he got a few raises. He wants to impress you, to provide for you, to do well at his job...regardless of whether or not your career is moving in exactly the same direction. It isn't a competition.
You are enough, inherently. What you choose to accomplish is up to you, but your worth remains the same no matter how much power or money you accumulate. Let these harmful feelings go, and inner peace will follow.
posted by puppetsock at 5:55 PM on August 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think women born in the 80s and early-to-mid 90s got the message that they had to be traditionally masculine to be worth anything to the patriarchy. Our mothers had to fight so hard for their careers that they instilled that same sense of desperation into us. It's ok if you aren't super successful. You're worth so much apart from career 'success' (and what is that, anyways? lots of money and people depending on you? stress?). Of course, it's fine to want to be successful and to achieve that traditional patriarchal success--but you don't have to. This is all about you fighting with yourself. Let it go. You aren't boring, you aren't less successful, you aren't going to lose his love just because he got a few raises. He wants to impress you, to provide for you, to do well at his job...regardless of whether or not your career is moving in exactly the same direction. It isn't a competition.
You are enough, inherently. What you choose to accomplish is up to you, but your worth remains the same no matter how much power or money you accumulate. Let these harmful feelings go, and inner peace will follow.
posted by puppetsock at 5:55 PM on August 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
Just a couple of practical thoughts, not addressing the codependcy:
Since you have different aspirations, can you focus on those so that you won't be comparing yourself all the time?
Also, the first thing I thought of when you mentioned that you sometimes work together with him encouraging you is that it could so easily take your relationship into a parent/child direction, so could you find a different mentor?
Slightly separating yourself career-wise might help strengthen your independence and confidence.
posted by Vaike at 8:53 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
Since you have different aspirations, can you focus on those so that you won't be comparing yourself all the time?
Also, the first thing I thought of when you mentioned that you sometimes work together with him encouraging you is that it could so easily take your relationship into a parent/child direction, so could you find a different mentor?
Slightly separating yourself career-wise might help strengthen your independence and confidence.
posted by Vaike at 8:53 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
Lots of people have asymmetrical career paths within relationships. One is "succeeding" more quickly than the other, earning more money, etc. In my experience, that has isn't the killer of relationships in an of itself.
I guess there's a part of me that fears he'll leave me once he becomes too successful. He says he loves me, and is a very kind, attentive, and supportive guy in basically every respect, but it's all happening very fast. I know I need to focus on myself and perhaps let his success inspire me to be better. But instead I feel like a defeated and lost little girl.
That is the killer of relationships, in and of itself. Here's how I look at it. You have a job, and you are rising at a certain rate. You have put yourself in that position, and you are being rewarded by the market for your current value.
To change your value, you will have to change your behaviour. Either you can become more aggressive and fixated on maximising your income. Or you can change companies, to a different place that may suit your temperament better (and therefore your performance may increase).
But there are career problems, not relationship problems. Your boyfriend fell in love with you, not your income. That he is doing well, is great for him. That he is doing better than you, is a problem for you. That is why I think this is a career problem.
If you were in a role that you absolutely loved, and got paid less than he did, you wouldn't be asking these questions perhaps. You're only asking them because there a sense of competition with him. Which is all in your head. He will leave you when the relationship falls apart, not when the income disparity widens.
posted by nickrussell at 3:18 AM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I guess there's a part of me that fears he'll leave me once he becomes too successful. He says he loves me, and is a very kind, attentive, and supportive guy in basically every respect, but it's all happening very fast. I know I need to focus on myself and perhaps let his success inspire me to be better. But instead I feel like a defeated and lost little girl.
That is the killer of relationships, in and of itself. Here's how I look at it. You have a job, and you are rising at a certain rate. You have put yourself in that position, and you are being rewarded by the market for your current value.
To change your value, you will have to change your behaviour. Either you can become more aggressive and fixated on maximising your income. Or you can change companies, to a different place that may suit your temperament better (and therefore your performance may increase).
But there are career problems, not relationship problems. Your boyfriend fell in love with you, not your income. That he is doing well, is great for him. That he is doing better than you, is a problem for you. That is why I think this is a career problem.
If you were in a role that you absolutely loved, and got paid less than he did, you wouldn't be asking these questions perhaps. You're only asking them because there a sense of competition with him. Which is all in your head. He will leave you when the relationship falls apart, not when the income disparity widens.
posted by nickrussell at 3:18 AM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is only addressing part of your question, but:
At these networking events, do you stay by his side the entire time or do you go off and have your own, seperate conversations? The latter might be a good thing to try if you aren't already -- you're far less likely to feel like you're being measured against him by the people you're taking to, regardless of whether or not they're actually doing so. You're also more likely to end up in conversations that are useful/interesting to you specifically.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:46 AM on August 3, 2013
At these networking events, do you stay by his side the entire time or do you go off and have your own, seperate conversations? The latter might be a good thing to try if you aren't already -- you're far less likely to feel like you're being measured against him by the people you're taking to, regardless of whether or not they're actually doing so. You're also more likely to end up in conversations that are useful/interesting to you specifically.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:46 AM on August 3, 2013
Separating yourself career-wise is a good idea. You don't have to change careers, but I agree with Vaike that it is probably not a good idea to have your BF be your mentor as well. It would also be well to separate your career path from his. Can you attend different events, move in different circles and make different contacts, so you have your own network and your own mentor(s)?
Separating your career from his will go a long way towards making your career seem less entwined with your relationship and dependent on it. It's also healthier to keep mentor and boyfriend roles completely separate. Carving out your own space will make you feel more secure. And if you DO break up for any reason it will minimize the fallout.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:11 AM on August 3, 2013
Separating your career from his will go a long way towards making your career seem less entwined with your relationship and dependent on it. It's also healthier to keep mentor and boyfriend roles completely separate. Carving out your own space will make you feel more secure. And if you DO break up for any reason it will minimize the fallout.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:11 AM on August 3, 2013
Best answer: Do you feel competitive and jealous of many people, or just your boyfriend?
If it is many people, then you need to take concrete steps to improve your skills. Do things that will improve your resume: side projects, freelance work, certifications. First make sure your resume is rock solid, then network. Networking is a way to market yourself to a lot of new people, but you first need to make sure that your resume is strong. Confront and overcome mental obstacles like "I can't get a second job in this field. It would take away all my free time" or "I don't want to study 4 hours per night, why can't I just get promoted while working 40 hours per week like my friend X?". As soon as you take concrete steps, you will feel way better. It is like going to the gym to lose weight. Even if your goal is to lose 100 pounds, you start feeling great if you go consistently for a couple weeks and see that you lost 8 pounds. The progress and sense of achievement is great.
If you only feel competitive with your boyfriend, then observe to see if he might be doing very subtle things that are competitive. I felt competitive with every boyfriend in my 20s. I thought there was something wrong with me, but now I realize those guys were actually doing subtle things. Even a friend remarked on noticing it. For example, they would listen happily when I talked about work topics that they are good at. They would give me advice and encourage me. But if I was tackling an area where i was more skilled than them, they would change the subject instead of asking questions and being interested in learning about it.
Nowadays I am in a relationship with a very supportive person. I still occasionally feel jealous of other people, which I quell by improving my own skills when it happens. I never feel jealous of my SO's achievements, even though we are in the same field.
posted by cheesecake at 9:42 AM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it is many people, then you need to take concrete steps to improve your skills. Do things that will improve your resume: side projects, freelance work, certifications. First make sure your resume is rock solid, then network. Networking is a way to market yourself to a lot of new people, but you first need to make sure that your resume is strong. Confront and overcome mental obstacles like "I can't get a second job in this field. It would take away all my free time" or "I don't want to study 4 hours per night, why can't I just get promoted while working 40 hours per week like my friend X?". As soon as you take concrete steps, you will feel way better. It is like going to the gym to lose weight. Even if your goal is to lose 100 pounds, you start feeling great if you go consistently for a couple weeks and see that you lost 8 pounds. The progress and sense of achievement is great.
If you only feel competitive with your boyfriend, then observe to see if he might be doing very subtle things that are competitive. I felt competitive with every boyfriend in my 20s. I thought there was something wrong with me, but now I realize those guys were actually doing subtle things. Even a friend remarked on noticing it. For example, they would listen happily when I talked about work topics that they are good at. They would give me advice and encourage me. But if I was tackling an area where i was more skilled than them, they would change the subject instead of asking questions and being interested in learning about it.
Nowadays I am in a relationship with a very supportive person. I still occasionally feel jealous of other people, which I quell by improving my own skills when it happens. I never feel jealous of my SO's achievements, even though we are in the same field.
posted by cheesecake at 9:42 AM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! Great answers. I will make sure to take these into account and focus on bettering myself.
posted by themaskedwonder at 2:29 PM on August 5, 2013
posted by themaskedwonder at 2:29 PM on August 5, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:33 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]